The captain's dependency

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videomaster21XX

videomaster21XX #1 · Sep 2nd, 2020 · · ·

Well to answer your author's note. I have a couple of questions:

Thunderlane, that's her name, the captain thought to herself as she remembered. All that was needed was to prove to her that she was a mare with libido to spare,

Thunderlane is a guy right? Why does it say here that Spitfire is referring to him as a girl? At first I thought Spitfire might have mistaken the pony outside for a mare, but then the next paragraph mentions her checking HIM out, so I'm confused.

Also:

The next day, before the start of the daily morning warm-up, Spitfire made his remarks in front of the full line of new faces, always in his familiar authoritative tone.

Spitfire became a guy? There might be more instances of this in the fic, I only really had time to skim it. I can try to read through later and see if I spot anything else.

Omegafr

Omegafr #2 · Sep 2nd, 2020 · · ·

10415987
Like i said, i write my stories in French and translate into English directly. So, if i have time, i've tried to make possible for a better comprehension.
And for making simple, Thunderlane is always a stallion and Spitfire a mare in this story, gender doesn't change at each sentence

quakeSanchez

quakeSanchez #3 · Sep 2nd, 2020 · · ·

his primary desires, and his booty call is no longer available. Too full of pride to face it uncovered, she turns

Spitfire goes through sex change between sentences. In story description, no less.

"He should be here any minute!" Said a voice

Improper capitalisation. FimFiction has a good writing guide for situations which involve dialogue and narration.

that sounded as if it were impatient in a confined space

This sentence doesn't work in English at all. Not only a bond between 'voice' and 'impatient' is broken, but 'confined space' is really an odd detail here.

and many stallions could afford to fantasize about the pretty Pegasus without any consequences

What's that supposed to mean? Fantasies usually don't involve much consequences.

but the reverse was already a little more obvious

What?

Spitfire loves sex

Narration jumped from past to present tense.

i write my stories in French and translate into English directly

Then again, I should probably stop right here. Languages don't work this way most of the time. Have you tried to read your own story in English?

before embarking on an anal and oral routine with him.

Okay, no qualms here. This phrase is very amusing.

venomous cock

🙃 She seems strangely okay with the fact.

Omegafr

Omegafr #4 · Sep 3rd, 2020 · · ·

10416683
Hye, i read all my story in english and tried my best for change some errors, thanks for taking time to comment some of these

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