Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 7: Brought Down to Normal

Wits stared at the object on the table in front of him. “No way,” he said flatly. “Not wearing that.”

Twilight glared at the unicorn stallion. “After you blew up the last magic inhibitor, you don’t get a say in whether you wear it or not.”

“It’s a tiara!”

“It’s a circlet,” Twilight corrected. “And I made sure it matches your tastes in fashion.”

“You know what matches my tastes in fashion? Not a tiara.”

“Wits?”

“Maybe a fez. Or a good fedora.”

“Wits…”

“Not a trilby, though. You have no idea how much grief I got when the whole ‘m’lady’ meme got going while I was wearing proper fedoras regularly. See, the difference is-”

“Wits!”

“What?”

Twilight’s glare intensified. “You’re wearing the tiara.”

After a few seconds, Wits grabbed the headpiece off the table and set it on his head. “Just in case I’m not enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara.”

“You’re not a freak, Wits.”

“No? Then why am I wearing a magic tiara that keeps me from using any magic whatsoever?” Wits tapped the enchanted band around his head. “Is this thing on?”

Twilight shifted the band so that it rested directly against his horn, causing it to glow faintly with her own magic. “Now it is. Try using your magic now.”

Wits focused on moving a nearby book. A few weak sparks gathered around his horn, but nothing more. “Nope, no go-juice.”

“Good. Look, this is just a temporary measure while we figure out how to help you control your magic. Until then, this is to keep you safe.”

“To keep other ponies safe from me, you mean,” Wits said sardonically. “Or did you forget that we were writers back in our world? I can recognize a ‘for your own good’ speech when I hear one.”

Twilight sighed. “Then in your expert opinion, do you think this is the wrong choice?”

“Logically? No, this was the right move. But it would’ve been nice to be brought in on the conversation instead of being treated like-”

After waiting for him to continue, Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Like what?”

Wits sighed and rolled his eyes. “Like a villain. I feel like this is the kind of thing you’d put on Discord or King Sombra if they were pretending to be reformed.”

“If you were like Discord or Sombra,” Twilight said, “you would’ve been banished to the moon the moment we found you.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence…”

“It is a vote of confidence.” Twilight placed a forehoof on Wits’ shoulder. “I travelled with you a lot during Discord’s game, Wits. You might be a little misguided sometimes, but nine times out of ten your goal is to do the right thing. Right now, we just want to avoid a Road’s Crossed situation. Alright?”

“You do remember that was also your fault, right?”

“There were extenuating circumstances,” Twilight deadpanned. “I just had to listen to one of them complain about a tiara for ten minutes.”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem,” Wits snarked back. He paused. “Wait, that would mean I’m just your problem. I’m pretty sure there’s a song about that…”

Twilight shoved Wits towards the door, hoping that would cover for the look of irritation that had settled on her face. “Just explore the town and try to relax, dummy. Use the bits I gave you if you want. No hero stuff, no saving the world. Just enjoy yourself for a bit.”

“Alright, alright!” Wits chuckled. He stared at the door for a moment. “Right, no magic.” He reached out with a forehoof and pulled the door open. “Hey, what happens if there’s some hero stuff that needs doing?”

“Then you let one of us know.”

“Yeah, but what if it’s hero stuff that I can do?”

Twilight narrowed her gaze. “Then you let one of us know. This is a ‘relax or else’ situation, Wits.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll be back when I’m thoroughly relaxed then.” Wits trotted through the doorway. A few seconds later, he poked his head back through. “What if it’s hero stuff I can do without using magic?”

“GO.”

Wits pulled his head back, narrowly avoiding the flying book as it sailed by. “I think that was a no,” he muttered. “Alright, I guess this is a self-care day. I can do this.”

* * *

“I can’t do this.” Wits was laying on his back on a bench, staring at the irritatingly perfect blue sky overhead. It had been two hours and thirty-one minutes since he’d left Twilight’s castle—he’d counted. Most of that time had been spent exploring Ponyville and building a mental map of the major landmarks. There had been a one hour detour when he had spent some bits on a treatment at the Ponyville Day Spa; something that he never would have done in his own world, but it felt like the natural choice for relaxing.

Instead, Wits discovered that he was not a fan of mud baths, cucumber wraps, or shiatsu massage avec hooves. While his pores may have been opened and his chakras aligned, he felt no more relaxed than he had been when he entered the spa.

“What in the world are you talking about, darling?” Rarity asked. She had entered the spa while Wits was waiting for his appointment, and insisted on him getting the same package she was getting. Hence the mud bath, cucumber wrap, etcetera. “I feel positively refreshed! Maybe you just need to go again?”

“No thanks,” Wits said quickly. “I guess I’m just more of a spaghetti guy than a spa-getting one.” He stared pointedly at Rarity from his upside-down position. “Get it?”

“I get it,” Rarity deadpanned.

“You’re not laughing.”

“That is because I got the pun.” Rarity shook her head. “Honestly, I find it hard to believe we missed you at all.”

Wits rolled over onto his stomach. “Aw, you guys missed me?”

Rarity coughed, which she turned into a haughty scoff. “Why, I’ve never… even heard… such a ridiculous… What’s going on over there?”

“You can’t distract me with a ‘look over there’ routi-” Wits followed Rarity’s outstretched forehoof to an obviously distraught young mare wearing a torn, yet expensive-looking, dress. “Looks like a plot hook to me. Let’s see what’s up.”

“Ah… How about if you sit this one out?” Rarity forced a smile, her eyes darting to the band around Wits’ head for a moment. “I’m quite sure I can handle a bit of dress repair on my own.”

“Yeah, but what about whatever tore the dress in the first place?” Wits asked, hopping off of the bench and stretching his legs. “Maybe she’s secretly a princess, and her maid was ponynapped by bandits, and she’s looking for somepony to help rescue her?”

“I think you’re thinking of Discord’s little game, dear.”

“Yeah but-”

“Please, Wits!” Rarity cut through the stallion’s next words with her polite, yet firm, exclamation. “If you really want to help, then go enjoy the rest of this lovely day. I know I’ll be able to help that poor girl better if I know you’re not undoing all of the hard work Aloe and Lotus Blossom put into making you look half-way presentable.”

Wits pouted. “Hey, I resemble that remark.” After a moment, he sighed. “Fine. I’ll go find some way to keep myself occupied that doesn’t involve devious bandits and daring rescues.”

With a smile, Rarity nodded. “Thank you. I’ll let you know how the dress repair went later. Ta ta!” One flip of her mane later, Rarity was prancing towards the mare in the torn dress. Wits watched as the two mares chatted quite animatedly for a short time before Rarity led her off, singing a cheery song about friendship and dresses that the rest of Ponyville helpfully joined in on as they trotted by, only to go back to their daily lives as the fashionista passed.

Wits waited until the background music had faded into the distance. “So that just kinda happens in this world, huh?” he asked no-pony in particular. “Alrighty then.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda weird, right?” Pinkie asked from directly behind him.

“AUGH!” Wits lept almost a foot into the air, somehow turning while airborne to face the pink party pony. “Don’t do that! What’re you doing here anyway?”

Pinkie grinned. “Oh, I’m keeping an eye on Patchy today, but then he said he wanted to be alone for a while, and I had to check on the cakes anyway, so I thought I’d check in on you real quick while I did the checking! Plus you were talking to yourself, and it was the perfect time to say something for maximum comedy!”

“Hang on a tick.” Wits paused his attempt to calm his rapid heart rate. “You’re watching Light Patch?”

“Yep!”

“And making cakes.”

“Yeppers!”

“But then, how did you get over here in time to be there just in time to respond to my hypothetical question?”

“Oh, that’s easy!” Pinkie stuck her tongue out playfully. “The part where I’m watching Patchy hasn’t been published yet, so I can do whatever I want.”

Wits groaned, feeling a headache starting to form. “Look, I’m really not in the mood for meta-fictional humor.” He paused. “Actually, hang on. Can we go back to that ‘you’re watching Light Patch’ part?”

“Sure!” Now it was Pinkie’s turn to pause. “Wait, no, we can’t. That’s a secret.”

“What’d you mean, it’s a secret?”

“I’ve said too much!” Pinkie began hopping backwards away from Wits. “I must go! My cakes need me!”

“Wha- Come back here!” Wits chased the pink pronking party pony until she disappeared around a corner. He slid to a stop, seeing neither pink hide nor magenta hair of the mare. “Man, that whole teleporting thing is really useful for avoiding exposition,” he grumbled. A roar from down the street cut off the rest of his train of thought. “That sounded big. And dangerous.” He grinned. “Sweet.”

It didn’t take long for the mint-colored unicorn to find the source of the roar. A monsterous, slimy, eel-like creature that towered over the panicking ponies around it. Its many finned tentacles whipped about, crashing through buildings and sending unlucky ponies flying. A large lamprey-like mouth opened from the center of its mass, seated below a trio of inky black eyes, and it let loose another roar. Wits braced himself as he felt the sound roll over him, as well as echoing in his thoughts.

Wits’ grin widened as he faced down the beached Aboleth. “Sweet.” He darted forward, dodging debris launched at him by the flailing tentacles, and tucked into a roll under a wild swing. “Alright, I’m gonna give you one chance,” he called, rolling to his feet in front of the creature’s gaping maw. “You go back to whatever watery depths you dragged yourself out of. And when you go back to the waters and tell others of this town, when you tell of its riches, its ponies, its potential… When you talk of Ponyville, then make sure you tell them this. It. Is. Defend-”

“Wits, stop!” Fluttershy darted between Wits and the creature. “Everypony just calm down!”

“Wh- But-” Wits motioned to the massive, flabby, tentacled mass behind her. “Big monster!”

The Aboleth pulled itself forward, bringing its toothy maw closer to the pegasus mare. Its jaw opened, unrolling a long pallid tongue, dripping with ropes of goo. Its chest heaved, pulling air into primitive lungs through a layer of slime that encased its entire body so that it may utter its first words since beginning its rampage. “Oh no, a biwg monstah? Dat’s tewwible! Dat sounds wewwy wewwy scawwy!”

For once, Wits was at a loss for words. His mouth moved silently for several seconds, occasionally letting out a weak whimper. Finally, he pulled together enough to ask a single question. “Really?

Fluttershy kept her forelegs held out in front of the Aboleth, facing Wits in a way that made it clear that she wasn’t protecting him from the massive creature, but was instead doing the opposite. “Wits, Whimsy is completely-” she looked back at the damage its tentacles had done “-well, mostly harmless. Sometimes they just get confused and wander into town, that’s all!”

“I got wost,” Whimsy offered, seeming to deflate.

“I know, Whimsy,” Fluttershy replied.

“It hawpens a wot.”

“I know, Whimsy.”

“Hang on.” Wits placed a hoof over his muzzle, trying to hold off the oncoming headache. “Is it, like, a split personality thing? Where, like, half the time it’s Nice Aboleth, and the other half it’s Murder Aboleth?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “They’re always like this. Most of the time, they stay in the Everfree Forest with Steven Magnet.”

Whimsy shifted, brushing away a piece of debris on its back with a tentacle. “I got wost.”

“We know, Whimsy.”

Wits trotted up next to Fluttershy, looking up at the towering monster. “You’re telling me you got lost and ended up in the middle of Ponyville?” he asked.

“I’m not a cwevah Aboweff,” Whimsy muttered as quietly as a creature of his size could.

“How do you have a lisp? You don’t have lips.”

Whimsy gestured towards its lamprey-like jaws with a tentacle. “I can’t make hawd ‘awa’ sownds wif my mouf wike dis.”

“Alright,” Fluttershy cut in, turning to face the Aboleth. “Whimsy, can you help clean up this mess? Once you’re done, we’ll go back to Steven. Okay?”

“Uwu...” The massive creature quivered. “Am I in twouble, Miss Fwuttashy?”

Fluttershy smiled gently. “We’ll talk about that later, okay?”

Whimsy leaned closer to Wits End, dropping its voice to what could charitibly be called a ground-rumbling whisper. “I dink I’m in twouble.”

Wits sighed, visibly defeated. “I know, Whimsy.”

The two ponies watched as the Aboleth carefully picked up the large pieces of rubble and set them aside, sweeping bricks and wood into separate piles to help repair the damage it had caused. All the while, it apologized profusely to the ponies around it; none of which seemed all that upset now that the excitement was over.

Fluttershy moved a little closer to Wits. The unicorn seemed… smaller, in terms of presence. “Are you… okay?”

“Ah… I guess? I just...” Wits fell silent for a moment. “The last time I was a pony, we were on an adventure. Lots of fighting, questing, saving the day, that kind of thing. Then in the high school universe, everything came down to a bunch of big fights to save the world. Now that I’m here, I kinda thought…”

“That's how things worked in this world too?” Fluttershy asked.

“That's how my life was going to work from now on,” Wits corrected. “It sounds silly, but I honestly thought I was finally having my ‘In Another World’ story. In Discord’s adventure, I felt like a hero; like I was really important for the first time. Like what I did mattered. I guess I thought being here in Equestria would be a return to that.”

Fluttershy paused. “You don’t have to be a hero to be important. You can be normal for a while.”

“I’m tired of normal, Fluttershy.” Wits’ reply came out sharper than he had intended. “Sorry. I just liked being a hero. I still want to be one. Being normal just… doesn’t work for me anymore. After climbing Mount Doom, I don’t think I can go back to the Shire.” He tapped the circlet around his head. “Doesn’t help that I got stuck with this thing, either.”

“I don’t really understand the Mount Doom thing,” Fluttershy said slowly, “but… I do understand what you’re saying. It was… kinda hard to go back to normal after becoming an Element of Harmony.”

“But you did go back to normal.”

“When I can.” Fluttershy smiled, a strange expression on her face. “We’ve been the Elements for a while, Wits. After this long, I like normal when I can get it.” Her smile softened, and she placed a forehoof gently on Wits’ shoulder. “There’ll always be something to do in Equestria, and you’ll have plenty of chances to be a hero. For now, I think you should get used to what normal feels like again.”

Wits sighed and sniffed. “Yeah, I guess I’ve been running on adrenaline for a while now. I haven’t really tried to be normal since all this stuff started… Alright, you’ve convinced me.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Good. Now, I have to take Whimsy back to the Everfree. Are you going to be alright here?”

“Can I come with you?” Wits got his answer in the form of a look in Fluttershy’s eyes. “It was worth a shot. I’m sure there’ll be somepony here to keep an eye on me.”

“Wh-what do you-”

“Come on. Every time something remotely interesting happens, there’s an Element of Harmony here to take care of it right away? Just ‘cause I’m allowed to roam the facility doesn’t mean I’m not under observation.”

Fluttershy blushed, breaking eye contact with the unicorn stallion. “I-I-I don’t know what you’re-”

“Pinkie already spilled the beans.”

“...Oh.”

“I’m not angry, Fluttershy.” Wits smirked. “Really, I’m not. I wish somepony had told me ahead of time, but I do think the plan is a good one.” He made a dismissive gesture with one forehoof. “Go on. I’ll stay out of trouble here.”

Fluttershy frowned, then sighed. “Sorry, Wits. I’ll talk to Twilight later. I hope you have a good day.” With that, she waved to Whimsy and began leading him out of town.

Once the pegasus was out of sight, Wits’ smile fell. “Not angry,” he muttered. “Just disappointed. Of course this was Twilight’s idea.” He pushed his irritation to the back of his mind. “I’ll just have to talk to Twilight later as well.” After a deep breath, he forced a smile onto his face. “Now, on to being normal.”

A dramatically timed crash of thunder interrupted the otherwise cloudless day. The following maniacal barking laughter seemed to be the next natural step. Wits gazed longingly in the direction of the sound, turned away, and shook his head. “Nope. Being normal. Normal, everyday pony stuff. Nothing to see here. Move along. Move along, like I know you do.”

A second thunderclap sounded behind him, and a quick glance over his shoulder revealed a dark aura forming over the marketplace. Wits twitched, as the townsponies nearby began making their way into their houses. “Normal. Normal. Normal? Normal. Nnnnnmmmmmm.” He threw his forehooves in the air. “Frack it! Hero!” With that, he charged down the street towards the market.

* * *

“Tremble! Fear! Behold, for I am… the Underdog!” The darkly colored Diamond Dog wasn’t much larger than the ponies around him, but the townsfolk took the gathering darkness as a sign to run away anyway. “Your day in the sun is over, surfacelings!” He held Scootaloo’s helmet in his claws and chuffed in laughter. “With this becursed artifact, I, the Underdog, shall crumble your topside tyranny and-”

“Surprise attack!” Wits’ forehoof connected with the side of the Underdog’s face with a harsh crack, sending the Diamond Dog sprawling. The unicorn shook his hoof and cracked his neck. “You know, head protection only works if you wear it.”

The Underdog shook his head and stared at Wits. “You! Usurper of the tyrian claw-paw-things! You’re the one who stole our preeeeeecious artifact! But now,” he held the helmet in front of him, “now I have reclaimed our mighty weapon, and will use it to conquer-”

“Hang on, time out.” Wits stared at the object in the Diamond Dog’s paws. “Your artifact is a children’s helmet?”

“This is no pup’s head protector, pony! This is an ancient artifact!”

“Looks like a helmet, dude.”

“Be silent! Your puny pony mind cannot perceive the true nature of this-”

“Surprise attack!” Wits’ hoof shot out, clocking the Underdog across the chin. “Come on, man!” The stallion danced from side to side, holding his forehooves out like a boxer. “You gonna fight? Or are you just bumpin’ gums, ya hard-boiled turtle-slapper?”

The Diamond Dog snarled. “Enough idle chattering, then! Have at you!” He swung the helmet-shaped artifact in front of him, aiming the convex side at Wits. “Destroy this insolent horse-worm!”

Wits watched as the helmet began to glow with a dark aura, like that surrounding the marketplace. In an instant, the aura collapsed to a single point and fired out in a thin beam of dark magic, cutting through the ground on its way to where Wits stood. Where the beam passed, gouts of black flame erupted from the blasted earth. “Danger helmet!” Wits lept to one side, narrowly avoiding the beam. He tucked into a roll to gain some distance from the pillar of darkness that grew from where he had been standing.

Rolling to his hooves, Wits shook the dirt from his mane and grinned. “Is that all you’ve got? I’ve fought princesses before, dude. This is-” He dodged another beam, ducking under debris thrown from a fruit stall caught in the blast. “This is honestly a bit of a letdown.”

“Be silent and fight, worm!” the Underminer howled.

“Sorry, bud. I don’t really do the whole ‘let my hooves do the talking’ thing. More of a Spider-pony kinda guy than a Batpony, really.” He stopped short. “Sorry, Thestral. Anyway, lemme show you what some real magic looks like!” Wits focused on the Diamond Dog, motes of violet light forming around him. “You like earth? Prepare to go to space!”

A single mote of magical energy sparked from the tip of Wits’ horn, floating lazily to the ground less than a foot in front of him. Both combatants stared at the place where the mote landed, which fizzled for a moment before bursting into very tiny flames.

After a few seconds, Wits and the Underdog looked up to stare at each other. Wits smiled sheepishly. “Okay, we’ll call it a draw.”

A moment later, Wits flung himself out of the way of another dark magic beam. Gosh darn it, Twilight! he thought, glaring up at the magic-repressing circlet around his head. I was doing a thing and everything! He rolled behind the stone boulder and pulled at the circlet to no avail; it was as if it was glued to his scalp. “Oh, come on!” he growled. “Really? What if this was a life-or-death situation?”

Wits’ eyes went wide as an energy beam cut through the boulder above him. “That it is, surfaceling!” the Underdog laughed as Wits jumped away from the resulting burst of dark flame. “Don’t you know? Dark magic can cut through anything! Surrender, and your demise will be a slow and exhausting one in the mines below!”

“What’s the alternative?” Wits asked.

“Quick and painful!” Another blast of dark magic shot past the mint-colored stallion, reducing a vegetable stall to a burning heap of wood and cabbages.

Dark magic cuts through anything, huh? Wits mused. That gives me a terrible idea. He darted forward, ducking under another sweeping beam of energy to stop directly in front of the Underdog. “Alright, hit me with your best shot then! For those about to rock!” he shouted, pushing the helmet up towards his face. “Fire!”

The Underdog’s next shot fired into the sky, piercing a hole through clouds. “Fool!” he crowed. “Nothing can survive a point-blank blast from this! You’ve chosen the quick and painful choice after all!” He turned to the remaining, cowering ponies. “Now, bow down before your new underlord; the Underd-”

A mint-colored hoof landed on the Diamond Dog’s shoulder. “Hey.”

Slowly, the Underdog turned back towards the stallion. Wits stood, wisps of dark flames dancing across the side of his face; kept at bay by a thin, violet layer of magic. He reached up with one hoof, pulling the broken pieces of the circlet from his head. “Thanks for the help there,” he said, dropping the circlet to one side. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

The Underdog gulped. “Done what, exactly?”

Wits summoned a giant hand, grabbing hold of the Diamond Dog’s entire body. He shifted his raised hoof until he was just barely touching his foe’s nose. “Skadoosh.”

The hand flung the Diamond Dog into the sky, forming a second hole in the clouds. “I’ll be baaaaaack!” he cried, his voice fading away just as quickly as he did.

Wits picked up the helmet from where it had landed, dusting it off. “I should take this to Twilight,” he said, licking his hoof and rubbing at a stubborn piece of dirt affixed to the surface. After a moment, he picked up the broken circlet. “I should probably take this to her too.” He looked around at the now completely destroyed marketplace, the burning pyres of dark flames, and the still panicked ponies. He waved the one, and watched as she passed out on the spot. “I should come up with a reaaaaaaally good excuse before I talk to Twilight.”

Comments

[Mix-up]

Finally managed to start reading this fic, I like it, at the moment it sounds like the boys have a hard time adjusting to what should just be waiting for a solution for them to come back home and not make a scene anywhere, and yet trouble seems to follow them anyway. I wonder if that dark magic diamond dog was was already like that or the Hydra creature modified him to better fit the RPG frame and that it's doing the same for the rest of Equestria. From the sound of it Wit and the other actually are hungry from adventuring again, of sorts, but I am not sure that it is actually their wishes or if in all those months sense they had been sucked with the Hydra they had been changes in some way. I wonder what is the deal with Light Patch having a mix of Pinkie's power and the RPG, could some of Discord magic came into play and somehow mixed elements of Light's RPG form and Pinkie and could it be sign of more things that will happen to him later. Looking forward for more of this story again.