Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 12: It’s Villainy 101

The view from Canterlot Castle was incredible, even at night. Or, in Princess Luna’s opinion, especially at night. The land below lit up in constellations of cities and towns, stretching out to the horizon in a reflection of the stars above. From her balcony, Luna felt as if she should see all of Equestria lit by the light of the moon she raised.

It had been difficult for some time, even after she was freed from Nightmare Moon’s influence, for Luna to see the beauty in the stillness that blanketed the land at night. She wanted to share what she saw with the ponies of Equestria, but finally she was content with having it to herself. Even still, she saw a few flickers of movement through the night, as they went about their nocturnal business.

Luna sighed contentedly. The night life was good.

The hair on the back of her neck stood at attention. Luna turned to see a cloud of blue magic forming in the middle of her room, swirling and billowing as if from some intangible wind. Once the cloud was large enough, a small, mint-colored unicorn stepped through, and the cloud collapsed back into nothingness.

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Quite an entrance.”

“Thanks.” Wits End brushed a bit of cloudstuff from his shoulder. “I would’ve taken the reference further, but it’s surprisingly hard to find a big golden gauntlet and some glowing gemstones at this time of night. Plus, I’m not the purple one.” He glanced around, noting the distinct lack of guards. “You seem remarkably unconcerned by me being here.”

“While our sister has been kept apprised of thou and thine companions by way of Princess Twilight,” Luna said slowly as she stepped down from the balcony, “we have been watching more… closely. And directly.”

“Let me guess.” Wits thought for a moment. “Magic? No, spies. No! A hat, fake mustache, and a big trenchcoat!”

Luna stared at the unicorn. “Magic, obviously.”

“I know. It was a joke. I do that sometimes, princess.”

“As we are aware.” Luna turned away, looking back out into the night sky.

“So,” Wits trotted over to stand next to the Alicorn, “how up to date are you?”

“We have seen thy battle against the Diamond Dog known as the Underdog.”

Thin wisps of silvery magic drifted from the unicorn’s horn, snaking their way around Luna’s hooves. “Well, good to see someone was watching.”

A burst of magic from the princess’ horn dispelled the wisps. “As well as the aftermath with Twilight,” Luna finished, a subtle smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “Thou will find that thy magic is most ineffective here.”

Wits retracted his magic, keeping an implacable smile of his own on his face. “Well, I gave it a shot. What happens now? Do we fight?”

“That seems unnecessary.”

“Because you’d kick my flank, right?” Luna’s smile was all the answer Wits needed. “So did you pick up this enigmatic air of mystery thing from watching Celestia or something?”

“Somewhat,” Luna answered. “Watching her has been quite a valuable learning experience.” She turned towards Wits End. “However, we are certain that thou hast come with more pressing questions than these.” She gestured to a small table set with a pair of chairs. “Shall we?”

Wits blinked. “Wait, so I still get to do what I came here to do?”

“We do not see any reason not to,” Luna said, taking a seat at the table.

After a moment, Wits took the other seat. “This is turning into a very strange villain scene.”

Luna raised an eyebrow as she poured tea into a cup. “Is that what thou believest this to be?”

“I mean, it is for me at least.”

“And thou truly see thyself as a villain?”

“I’m sorry, but could we get to the part where I ask you questions instead?”

“Of course. Just one last question.”

Wits sighed, slumping onto the table. “Go ahead.”

Luna smiled, gesturing to the two cups of tea before her. “Cream and sugar?”

Wits hesitated. “Earl Grey?”

“Darjeeling, actually.”

“...Do you have honey?”

“Of course.”

“Honey then. And cream.”

After a moment of preparation, Luna slid the teacup across the table. “So,” she said, watching the unicorn blow on the steaming surface of his drink, “what wouldst thou with to ask of us?”

Wits took his first sip, and gave a contented sigh. “It’s about villaining.”

“Go on, then.”

“…How do I do it?”

Luna blinked. “Are… are you asking me how to be a villain?” she asked, dropping the Royal Canterlot Voice in her surprise.

“I mean,” Wits gestured towards Luna with his teacup, “you gotta start with the original, right? You were the first villain Twilight and her friends ever fought.” And the first one to be reformed, he thought. If I’m lucky, she’ll give me a model to follow.

“Twas Nightmare Moon who Twilight and her friends defeated,” Luna corrected. “We were… a vessel.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Moon parasite, extenuating circumstances, Tantabus episode, yadda yadda yip yorp.“ Wits sipped his tea. “But Nightmare Moon was the villain that set the bar, and you have to have some idea of how she operated. I want to know how she thought; what her plans were, what her motivation was, stuff like that.”

Luna thought for a moment. “So that thou can… what, exactly? Walk in her hoofprints? Or avoid her mistakes?”

“Yousa mighten be sayin’ that. This is all… information gathering so far.” With a shrug, Wits ran a hooftip around the rim of his cup. Easy now, Wits. Let her think you’re on the fence so she’ll sympathize with you later. “I have my idea of how to be a villain, but I have some… concerns about how that would mesh with pony sensibilities.”

“Art the villains of your world that much more different than our own?”

“Ohhhhh, you have no idea. The worst part is when they get elected.” He sipped his tea. “But I digress. What was Nightmare Moon’s ultimate goal?”

Luna frowned, but did her part by casting her mind back to the dark years she spent with Nightmare Moon in control of her. “Simply put, conquest. Nightmare Moon wanted an eternal night across all of Equestria. This surely would have extended to the entire world once Equestria was under her hoof.”

Wits nodded. “World conquest. A good, old-fashioned one-tag. Always a classic. And then?”

“And then what?”

“And then what was she going to do?” Wits drained the last of his tea, setting the cup back on the table. “If she had control over the entire world, what would she do? Funny hats for all of the ponies? Destroy Sunday and replace it with Funday? Outlaw all spontaneous acts of singing?”

Luna hesitated for a moment. “We… I am not sure she had any plans beyond conquest. She likely would have ruled cruelly until she grew bored with her subjects, and then destroyed them and waited for the next civilization to conquer.”

“Well that’s bloody boring.” Wits leaned back in his seat, a frown set on his face. “All that work to achieve ultimate power, and then she Scar’s her kingdom into oblivion? Seems like a waste to me.”

“Nightmare Moon was a parasite, as you said,” Luna spat. “Planning was not her strength.” Luna’s next words were stopped when the sounds of a saxophone started to drift through the room. Matched to the crescendo of the saxophone, suddenly Light Patch appeared in the room holding a microphone.

“I’m never gonna dance again, guilty hooves have got no rhythm,” the invader sang, opening his eyes to look right at Wits End. “Though it’s easy to pre- Why are you here?” He said, glaring at Wits End.

“Me?” Wits pointed a forehoof at the grey pegasus. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t Twilight have you under maximum security at this point or something?”

“I was gonna sedu- visit Best Princess, seeing as Twilight won’t leave me to my whole dreaded neutral thing I’m trying,” Light Patch replied. “Now, I believe I asked first.” He took a seat at the table and grabbed as much food as he could scavenge from the table.

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Seduce, thou sayst?”

“Don’t encourage him,” Wits said quickly, saving their teacups from Light Patch’s grabbing hooves. “I’m doing research on past villains. Gotta make sure I’m doing this right.” He paused. “Wait. How the frack did you even get in here?”

“You entered this place with ease,” Luna said.

“Yeah, but I had some great and powerful help. Stop trying to steal the doily!”

“I promised Johnson I’d find him more doilies,” Light Patch protested, trying to grab it again. “Also, apparently I can ‘port now, kinda like Pinkie Pie.”

Wits, having no free hooves with which to face-hoof, elected to gently tap his forehead against the table. “This is getting out of hand,” he muttered. “Now there are two of them.” He raised his head, shooting a glare at the pegasus. “Well, ‘port your way outta here. This is something the captain’s gotta do for himself.” He passed one cup to Luna, and motioned towards Light Patch. “Shoo.”

“Alright, alright I’ll go. I can tell when I’m not wanted,” Light Patch gave a quick bow towards Luna and turned to leave.

Wits sighed. “Right... Now that we’re free of that distraction-”

“Ah, I’d almost forgotten one more thing,” the pegasus said, walking back to stand by Wits End. “I got a little favor to ask of you and your fancy unicorn horn.”

“Oh boy, here we go…” Wits took a long sip from his teacup to replenish his mental strength. “Yes?”

Light Patch pulled a stack of parchment out and pushed them into Wits’ hooves. “Have a look at those notes of mine and see if it makes sense to you as well. In return, I’d be happy to help you in some way. ‘Specially tracking, I have a good watch on some ponies movements.”

“Notes on-” Wits flipped through the papers. “What the heck is a trans-dimensional- Hooves off the doily, you criminal scum!”

Light Patch backed away from the table. “Just some thoughts on a way for us to get home, but I don’t know unicorn magic.” He tapped his flat featureless forehead. “Just a little extra-curricular stuff I was- Oh my gosh look it’s the oldest trick in the book!” he finished, pointing to the other side of the table.

Wits glared at the pegasus. “If you think I’m going to look away, you’ve got another thing-” He trailed off. “Luna, what are you doing?”

“He said there was an elder jape in this direction,” Luna replied, looking in the direction Light Patch was pointed. “We wish to observe this.”

“...Luna, he’s trying to distract us so he can bloop away. Looking away is exactly what he wants us to do and he’s already gone isn’t he.” Wits looked back to find the space where Light Patch had been mysteriously empty, along with a distinct lack of doilies. “You knew that was gonna happen, didn’t you?”

“We have not had many opportunities to engage in such frivolities,” Luna said with a smirk. “Thous hast very odd friends.”

“Yes. Yes I do.” Wits sighed. “Look, I’m gonna be honest. This whole thing played out very different in my head. Are there any, like, sudden plot twists I should know of?”

“Just one,” Lune said with a smile.

“Great. Let’s get it out of the way then.”

“As thou wish.” Luna reached across the table, and gently placed her forehoof against Wits’ snout. “Boop.”

* * *

Wits awoke with a start. “Hwat jus’ happen’d?” He slurred, eyes slowly focusing on the inside of the wagon he laid in.

“Finally,” Trixie scoffed, “you’re awake.” She stretched, and set her hat back on her head. “You asked me to teleport you into Princess Luna’s tower, and then passed out. A bit sudden and rude, if you ask me.”

Wits blinked. “Well that just raises more questions.”

“You want me to teleport you now?”

“No. Well, yes, but not to Luna’s tower. She already answered my questions.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Don’t question it. Let’s move on to the next item.” Wits ran a magical hand through his mane to straighten it as he stood.

“Trixie must admit, she has never seen a pony so dedicated to researching how to be a villain.” Trixie thought for a moment. “But… why go through all this trouble? Why not simply be a villain by doing evil?”

Because doing that might get me in more trouble than I can BS my way out of, Wits thought. “I’ll explain another time. On to the next one, if you please.”

“Not that I have any problem with helping you out,” Trixie said, a flash of silvery magic glinting in her eyes for a moment, “But I don’t really think I can send you to Discord that easily. His place is a little… weird. A lot weird. Almost entirely weird, really.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Wits said with a smirk. “I have some neutral ground in mind.”

* * *

Wits stepped out of the teleportation cloud, taking in the circle of stones he had appeared in. With a grin, he trotted over to a decrepit-looking sign leaned against one of the larger of the rocks. In thick, bold letters, the sign read ‘Discord’s Playground’; with the words ‘Closed for business, please touch nothing’ scrawled hastily underneath. “I know I said I wasn’t taking the reference any further,” Wits said, slowly turning away from the sign. “But this? This does put a smile on my face.” With that, he kicked out with a back-hoof, sending the sign skittering to the ground.

A moment later, lightning struck the ground in front of the unicorn. When the light cleared, it revealed a familiar Draconequus with a hammer in one claw and a perturbed look on his face. “How did I know you were going to be the one to find this place first?” Discord sighed.

“What, you don’t wanna know how I found this place again?” Wits asked with a grin.

“Honestly? No. No I do not.” Discord tossed the hammer over his shoulder. “What I do want to know is what you want here. You know you can’t get back to the game world from this place, right?” He held his paw out, catching the returning hammer without a glance. “I sealed it off after you three sent that Hydra back.”

“Good to know. No, I’m not here to relive the glory days. I’m here to get some answers.”

Discord’s furry eyebrows raised. “An interview? Well, that is a surprise.” He snapped his claws, and the two of them were suddenly seated opposite each other in comfortable tan chairs. “And what were you hoping to ask me, Witsie Rose?”

Wits tapped the pad of paper that had appeared in front of him with an equally recently added pen. “Talk to me about being a villain.”

“Oh ho ho! Is that what we’re talking about today? Well then, this won’t do at all!” Discord snapped his claws again, casting aside the interview setting in favor of a croquet mallet and a basketball. “If we’re going to discuss my little reign of chaos, we’ll need to set the proper mood!”

Wits stared at the t-ball bat that had formed in front of him. “With… sporting equipment?”

“With a bit of chaos, of course!” Discord leaned in, eyebrows a-waggling. “You know the rules of Calvinball, don’t you?”

Wits blinked. With a sigh, he summoned a pair of magical hands to pick up the bat. “Alright, we’ll multi-task then.” He lunged forward, batting the basketball out of Discord’s paw. “Flyman’s ball!”

“Ooh, well played!” Discord watched as the ball bounced off of one of the standing stones, and started walking to where it landed. “So, you decided I’d be a better mentor than ol’ Woona, huh? I must say, I am quite flattered.”

“Look, I’m not entirely certain that actually happened at this point,” Wits replied. “And it’s less of a mentorship and more of a professional reference. I wanna make sure I’m not overreaching with my evil schemes.”

“Good thing to check.” Discord pulled a large glass orb from behind his back and placed it in contact with the basketball. “After all, when I overreached, the princesses turned me into a statue.” He placed his hoof on the orb and wacked it with his mallet, the force sending the basketball sailing away. “Better go stop that before it reaches the piranhas.”

“There’s piranhas?” Wits held up a forehoof. “Never mind. Of course there’s piranhas.” He picked up one of the nearby stones with a magical hand, and flung it away. It landed with a thud in front of the rolling ball, which ramped off of it and over the moat filled with water and ravenous fish. “So suddenly changing the nature of reality is out if I want to get more than one act of villainy out per millenia. Good to know.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Well, you’d just need to make it a really, really good one! For example, ‘accidentally’ spilling some Plunderseeds while facing down your imminent demise.” He hesitated and coughed. “Allegedly, of course. I’m reformed now, after all. What’d you have in mind, anyway?”

The two of them arrived at where the ball had rolled to a stop. Wits held out his summoned hand for the mallet. “I’m not sure yet,” he said, lining up his shot between two rolling hula hoops. “That’s why I’m talking to you. I’m trying to get into the mindset of a villain appropriate for ponies.” He tapped the ball, which slowly rolled into the path of the hoops.

As they watched, the hoops both collided with the ball, tumbling and knocking over a pile of empty soda cans. Discord hissed through his tooth. “Bad luck, that,” he winced. “That’s oogie to boogie, my favor. As for the mindset, I think you’re thinking a bit too much about it. Just go out and have some fun! As long as you don’t cause any real damage, I’m sure the girls will give you a second chance. And a third. And probably a fourth before they start planning your spot in the Royal Garden.”

“I’m banking on it. Hurry up and take your shot, would you?”

“Hey, I’m not throwing away my shot.” Discord gave the basketball a mighty kick, sending it straight up into the air. “As I was saying, you should be doing villain stuff for the fun of it! After all, if you don’t love your job, you won’t give it your 120%.”

“I hate this particular mangling of a phrase, but it’s the destination I’m interested in, not the journey.” Wits stuck out his hoof, catching the ball before it hit the ground.

“The Melonguardi maneuver!” Discord whistled. “Impressive. What was that little tidbit about the destination?”

“Hey, you haven’t exactly been helpful in answering my questions. Don’t expect me to answer yours quite yet.”

Discord held up a placating claw. “Far be it for me to impose on an act of chaos in the making! By all means, keep me in the dark! It’ll be so much more fun to watch this way, after all.”

“I aim to please.” Wits tossed the ball into the air and caught it in his magical hand. “But what about evil schemes? I feel like a good villain should have something they're working towards, right?”

Discord shrugged. “What I was working towards was having fun. I’d say that means I completed my evil schemes every time.”

Wits tisked, tossing the ball back to Discord. “You know,” he said, dismissing the magical hands around him, “I know that I should’ve expected this, but somehow I’m still disappointed.”

Discord caught the ball in one claw and raised an eyebrow. “Well, I do so hate to be a disappointment to ponies trying to steal my gig.” He flung the ball over one shoulder, where it landed in a fiery explosion. “So what, praytell, is so disappointing about lil old me?”

“Oh come on! How about everything? I mean, mostly everything. I thought I was just gonna have to deal with you having gone soft.” Wits poked the Draconequus in the stomach, eliciting the sound of a dog’s squeaky toy in response. “But turns out your great and magnificent plans? They stop at ‘shenanigans ensue’.”

“What’s wrong with shenanigans?” Discord asked, an offended tone in his voice.

“Nothing’s wrong with shenanigans! When they’re in service of something, that is.” Wits sighed. “Shenanigans for the sake of shenaniganry? For the sheer shenaniganosity of it? Just to increase the level of… shenaniganitude in the world?”

“Any more crimes against the Equestrian language you’d like to commit there?”

“It’s just boring!” Wits exclaimed. “You go out, you conquer the world, and then you’re defeated. That’s the problem. Your plan starts with the goal of losing.” He paused. Focus, the unicorn thought. Your goal is to lose. Just not as bad as Discord has in the past.

Discord winced. “Right in the feelings, Witty. Right in them.” He clutched at his heart for a moment before leaning over the unicorn. “Look, I get it! You’re a little guy with big plans. I get that. I appreciate that. You’re gonna do great things out there, kid, but you’ve gotta drop this ‘greater meaning’ thing! Just go out there and have some fun!”

“I’m not here for fun,” Wits replied. “I mean, not exclusively. Fun is a pleasant side-effect right now. I have a goal in mind, and you, good sir, have not helped me one bit in finding how to achieve it.”

“Well, I certainly hope not!” Discord chuckled. “I’m reformed, remember? I don’t engage in villainous acts of chaos anymore. I just… encourage them from others now. And I’m very much looking forward to seeing what kind of chaos you and your little friends can cause.” He paused for a moment. “Before Twilight and her friends find you and make you listen to reason again, of course. I’m not a total monster.”

“Funny, I’m banking on that too,” Wits deadpanned. He summoned a magic hand and snapped its fingers. As if on cue, the blue cloud of energy formed behind him, swirling lazily.

Discord ran a finger through the cloud, and stuck the resulting ball of cloudstuff in his mouth. “Ooh, ominously delicious! So, where’re you going now?”

“To find some villains with actual plans.” After one step towards the portal, Wits paused. “Hey, as long as we’re here, lemme ask you something completely unrelated.”

“Lay it on me, oh short one.”

“You had a playbook for the adventure, right? Tomb of Horses?”

Discord’s eyebrows narrowed. “And how did you find out about that, exactly?”

“My counterpart and I found a copy in the candy-colored human’s universe. Where’s the original?”

After a moment of hesitation, Discord answered. “I was going to run the rest of the adventure someday, but right now that world’s a little… well, it’s more chaotic than even I want to deal with right now. I gave the book to Twilight for safe-keeping. Why?”

Wits shrugged. “I was curious how it was supposed to end. Get a little peek into a possible future, you know? Ah well.” The unicorn was halfway through the portal before he stopped again, turning back so his head was poking out of the cloud. “You know,” he said, “I’d be careful if I were you.”

“And why’s that?” Discord asked.

“I might not be the only one looking for a conversation.” Wits began sinking into the cloud with a smirk on his face. “Friendly or otherwise.”

The cloud shrank into nothing, leaving Discord alone. “Figures,” he huffed. “He was all mysterious and spooky, and then left me to do the clean-up.” The Draconequus snapped his fingers, clearing the field of his creations. “And he stole my gimmick to boot. Such ingratitude!”