Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 53: Dudes... Where's Our Car?

Twilight sighed. “I hate to say it-”

“Because it’s true?” Purple Heart asked innocently. Twilight shot him a glare and his smile widened.

“I hate to say it because I don’t believe it’s true. But... I guess you three actually did a fairly good job, for once,” she admitted.

“Yeah! I figured you’d be on mop duty for at least another month!” Pinkie said, spinning in her chair.

“I just hope the history books don’t short change us on the chapters,” Wits muttered.

“Oh please. With how close Twilight is to just banishing us to the moon, we’ll probably get an entire side book of just Twilight ranting about us even if we aren’t directly responsible for some things,” Light Patch muttered quietly to his two friends.

“What was that dear?” Rarity asked with a look suggesting that if she wasn’t out of range, she’d have likely kicked the stallion.

“Just saying we’ll probably get at least a chapter each. We’re hard to summarize,” Light Patch quickly supplied, nudging his friends to get them nodding.

Applejack hummed. “I’m actually surprised y’all were able to wrap it up so fast-”

“I’m just happy we got to sit around and let somepony else clean up,” Rainbow Dash interrupted cheerfully, laying across the arms of her throne.

“-without y’all making things an even larger mess,” the orange mare finished with a light glare sent towards the lounging pegasus.

“Yeah, well... that’s teamwork between friends and junk like that, right?” Light Patch stated with a shrug, “Something, something ‘friends like these, who needs enemies?’ I’m sure there’s a perfect friendship report in there somewhere.” Spike hummed thoughtfully.

“We haven’t done friendship reports for a while. how do you three know about them?” the dragon asked, causing Fluttershy to squeak and hide under her throne.

“Ah, yes. I’d forgotten we’re popular figures of fiction in their world,” Rarity mused as she stood up to try to coax Fluttershy out from hiding.

“Oh yeah,” Spike muttered, starting to lean back before bolting upright again. “Wait! If that’s the case, then why didn’t you warn us about Time Travel Cataclysm over here?” Spike jerked a thumb to point over his shoulder at Starlight before quickly turning to her. “No offence.”

“None taken, Spike. You do have a point,” Starlight sighed.

Wits End shrugged. “Those events haven’t happened in the show yet.”

“Oh,” Spike slumped back into his seat, “that's...” he trailed off, looking for the proper word.

“Pedestrian?” Starlight prompted, “Simple?”

“Boring?” Fluttershy offered, having finally come out from under her chair.

“Yeah. I guess I was just hoping for some deep argument about trying to preserve the time line or something.”

Wits End scoffed. “We’re already aliens from another universe interfering with the natural order of events in at least two other universes. I think the Temporal Prime Directive has been broken enough.”

With a cough, Sunset raised a hoof. “Uh, hang on. Can we go back to that part where you girls are fictional characters in their world? I thought you three boys were just from another parallel dimension, like Equestria and the High School universes.”

“I mean, technically you’re not wrong,” Wits muttered. “It’s just that our dimension is a little less parallel than yours.”

“So... a perpendicular dimension?” Spike asked.

“Is that a thing?” Wits shared a look with the other two colts. “Let’s make that a thing. We’re from a perpendicular dimension where your adventures are children’s stories. And also merchandise. A whole lot of merchandise.” He paused. “Also, some people get really angry about some of those stories for some reason?”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “They get angry about bedtime stories?”

“...Yousa mighten be saying that.”

“We’re getting away from my point here,” Sunset cut in, her irritation helping to cover the growing sense of existential dread. “You mean I’m from, like… comic books? TV shows?”

“Technically,” Wits mused, “you didn’t exist until a spin-off movie.”

“I WASN’T EVEN MAINLINE CANON?!”

“Take it easy, Sunset,” Twilight deadpanned.

“Actually, she does kinda have a point,” Spike chimed in as the three colts nodded along.

“I don’t know if that’s better or worse.” Sunset moaned, sighing heavily. “On the one hand, less spying on my life. But on the other hand, spinoff movie sequel.”

“Sequels actually,” Light Patch chimed in. “There’s been like three of them and some shorts. It’s basically almost a full on spinoff series at this point.”

“It’s worse,” Sunset concluded.

“Did we get a comic book series?” Spike asked eagerly.

“A fairly successful one from what I’ve heard,” Purple Heart replied.

“Cool.”

“Maybe we should write a Friendship Letter, for old time’s sake!” Fluttershy cheered. She immediately shrunk back. “I mean, it seemed like a good idea, since everypony’s in a good mood and all...”

“No, it’s a great idea,” Wits said. “Spike, write this down. Dear Princess Celestia.” The mint-colored stallion started pacing as Spike wrote his words on a spare piece of paper. “Today I learned that, when invading a monarchy that relies on less than a dozen extremely powerful mares to protect the entire country, don’t just invade from one spot. Spread your forces out around the entire country so that there’s always an overwhelming number of locations that can’t be protected.”

“I thought your lesson was ‘don’t invade the country of your friends’,” Twilight shot back.

Wits paused mid-step. “That was lesson two.”

“And anything about taking care of bandits?”

“Lessons 23 through 28.”

“Have you been planning this joke for a while?”

“I had a lot of time on the flight back from the Crystal Empire on Alicorn Airlines.”

“It’s a really dumb joke.”

“Your face is a dumb joke.”

“That didn’t even make sense!”

“And neither does your face!”

The reparte was interrupted by a snort from Applejack. “It’s like when y'all were back in Discord’s game,” she chuckled. “Always fightin’ ‘bout nothin’. And y’all wonder why folks thought ya were flirtin’.”

“SHUT.” The two formerly arguing ponies turned on the farmpony in sync.

“Don’t even joke about that,” Twilight snarled.

“It’s just a joke about Friendship Lessons,” Wits grumbled. “Do you really think I’m gonna send that to the Princess? I’d rather publish my memoirs from when Sol Eater had me stuck in a cage, and in a dress.”

Twilight paused. “Hang on. What was that last part?”

Wits was silent. “In a dress?”

“No no, before that.”

“Friendship lessons?”

“After that.”

“...In a cage?”

“The Princess,” Twilight said. “Has anypony…” She trailed off, then dashed to a filing cabinet, flinging drawers open and filing through the contents.

Wits leaned over to Spike, who was tearing up the letter with the hopes that doing so would give him back the time it took to write it. “What’s in the cabinet?”

“Letters,” Spike replied. “Twilight’s saved every letter from her friends and mentors since she got to Ponyville.”

“They all fit in a filing cabinet?”

Spike shrugged. “Magic.”

“Ah.”

Twilight suddenly stood straight, staring into a distance that was obscured by the wall. “Guys, this… this is really bad news.”

The three colts all shared a look.

“Oh, Twilight.”

“There is just ‘news’.”

“There’s no good or bad.”

“Where are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“That is bad news,” the trio of colts chorused.

Chapter 54: Did You Forget Where We Parked the Popemobile Again?!

“You know,” Rainbow Dash said, “I’d’ve thought that losing two Princesses would be a national emergency or something.”

“It is a national emergency, Dash,” Twilight said flatly. “The only reason we’re not announcing it to the world is because Equestria’s government is fragile enough as it is. We need to handle this quickly and quietly.”

“Or?”

“Or Equestria descends into chaos, and we have to glue it back together piece by piece before the Princesses get back.”

Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. “That sounds more like you broke a family heirloom than a country.”

“Just tell me if anypony in Cloudsdale saw them, would you?”

“Fine. The answer’s no. Cloudsdale’s been on high alert ever since the Alicorns marched towards them, and they haven’t seen any Alicorns. Not even the Wonderbolts have seen them, and they’ve been searching from the air for any leftover invaders.”

Twilight frowned. “Great… That rules out the sky. Anypony else find anything?” She turned to Light Patch. “This would be a really, REALLY good time for your powers to kick in.”

“Since I got back from my search area, Spike and I have tried everything he could think of to have them kick off. Even Pinkie helped, despite not being done herself.” Light Patch shifted the ice pack he was holding to his head. “I even let Spike try percussive maintenance just on the off chance. All I have left is teleport and that only seems to be good for places I’ve been.”

“I had to swing hard! It’s not like they get lightly tapped on the head and suddenly they can shoot lasers that can blow up planets!” Spike protested loudly, making the injured stallion flinch.

“It’s fine. Just not so loud.”

“And you're sure you checked the Crystal Empire? And Frozen North?” Twilight clarified.

“No! I even teleported up to the train station and asked a couple of tall lanky janitors; one was a white pegasus with pastel hair and a top hat at a beyond jaunty angle and the other a unicorn in a really puffy uniform that kept shifting. But neither of them could have been the princesses because they had moustaches.” Light winced and shifted his ice pack again.

“Do you need a fresh ice pack?” Fluttershy asked timidly. Light waved her off.

“I promise, Twilight. I did my checking, and I got your brother, sister-in-law,
Moon Dancer, and Winter Sun to help. After they were all done chewing me out, of course. If the princesses are up north, they’re in the Freakin’ Cold and I’m not going there alone. Definitely not while my ears are still ringing and I’m seeing triple.” Nodding his head definitively, the grey pegasus lay his head on the table with a low groan.

“Hngh,” groaned Twilight, head falling back limply. “Where could they be...” She stiffened, mechanically turning her head to where Purple Heart sat slumped over his corner of the table.

“You...” she whispered. “YOU! PURPLE HEART!”

The purple earth pony jerked in surprise, limbs windmilling wildly as he fought against gravity to stay in his seat. Righting himself with no small amount of effort, he slammed his forelegs on the table as his chest swelled and shrunk with his panicked breathing.

“WHAZZAT?!” he cried, eyes wide as he quickly searched for the source of hostile intent.

“YOU!” Twilight repeated, centering Purple Heart’s manic gaze on herself. “WHERE DID YOU TELL CELESTIA AND LUNA TO GO?” Before Purple Heart could react, Twilight yelped as she ducked an ice pack chucked in her general direction. She turned to the pegasus glaring at her from under his forelegs and gave him an apologetic look.

“Sorry,” she said, magicking the ice pack back to him before Fluttershy could grab it. The moment the ice had returned to Light Patch, she whirled on Purple Heart again and in a harsh but quieter tone demanded, “Where did you drive them off to?”

Purple Heart blinked rapidly, trying to parse out the alicorn’s question. “What’d I do?” he asked plaintively. “I don’t remember doing anything to Celestia or Luna. Unless, of course, you’re referring to that bogus peace talks request I forged.”

“AHA~!” cried Twilight, dexterously ducking the ice pack and passing it back promptly with her magic. “So you admit the request was your doing!”

“...yes? Is that a trick question or something?”

“Wait, so that was you?” Spike asked, having finally realized what Twilight was on about. “That pony named Men Tanto something or other.”

Wits frowned, turning to the purpled earth pony curiously. “The Lone Ranger? Seriously?”

“Nah. Mentaanto,” replied the colt in question. “Tolkien Elvish for ‘message giver’.”

The pinto unicorn’s eyes narrowed. “You tried to pull a Sauron on a princess?” The two colts stared at each other for a moment. “Sneaksy Hobbitses.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“I’m going to ignore the giant reference in the room and just move on,” Twilight sighed. “I know the message you sent asked for Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to arbitrate a peace talks between the Thestrals and the Deerkin. Did that actually happen or was it some kind of trap?”

“Trap, a hundred percent,” replied Purple Heart.

Twilight groaned. “Why am I not surprised?”

“You’ve known us for, what, several months now?” came Light’s muffled voice from behind his forelegs. “I’d be worried if you were surprised at this point.”

Twilight swung around to glare at the ice-packed pegasus. “What do you call the last few weeks of anarchy and madness you three have caused then if not surprising?”

“Unsolicited possession and insomniatic panic.”

“...Point.” She looked back at Purple Heart. “Now, where are Celestia and Luna?”

Purple Heart blinked again. “I unno.” He jerked a hoof at Wits. “He was the one with the trapping force. I just set it up.”

“Hey, don’t look at me.” Wits shook his head. “I sent Sol Eater and a frack-ton of Alicorns after them, and my forces came back with their tails between their legs. Wherever they went after the trap, they did it without anyone on my side knowing it.”

Rainbow Dash whistled. “Maybe P.I.S.S. should be directing the Princesses instead of the Elements. They whooped your flanks pretty hard, huh?”

“In retrospect, that might have been where Sol Eater first realized I wasn’t fighting the war to win it.” Wits sighed. “Look, I put the Thestrals on search mode, but they haven’t seen hide nor hair of the Princesses. I’d send the 597th to sweep the countryside, but that sounds like a good way to cause a national panic and get ponies thinking I flipped sides again.”

“If it comes to it,” Twilight said, “I’ll vouch for you.”

“For my innocence, right?”

Twilight turned to the rest of the mares in the room. “Did you find anything?”

“We ain’t exactly got the contacts y'all got,” Applejack said with a shake of her head. “If I went round askin’ the farmin’ folks I know if they’ve seen the Princesses, they’d think somethin’ was wrong.”

“And you reaaaaaally don’t want me asking around!” Pinkie proclaimed. “Anything anypony says in Sugarcube Corner reaches all of Equestria as fast as a flan can collapse!”

Rarity sighed. “As much as I hate to admit it, rumors are a dangerous thing in my circles as well. Plus, these sorts of things tend to reach the ears of the entitled elite rather quickly…”

Twilight sighed back. “Great. Any chance the animals heard anything, Fluttershy?”

“Um, it’s not like they can communicate over long distances…” Fluttershy muttered. “Unless they’re whales, but we don’t have any whales in Equestria. I asked some birds to spread the word, but it’ll take a while for the message to get out, and then we’ll have to wait for it to get back…”

“So that’s a no,” Twilight said.

“... Pretty much, yes.”

“Terrific.” Twilight started pacing. “So between the nine of us, we’ve ruled out Cloudsdale, the Crystal Empire, most of the sky, a fair chunk of the darkest places in Equestria, and maybe the Ponyville pet shop. We’re gonna have to expand the search.”

“Are there any other continents or big islands to check?” Light muttered from the cave he’d assembled for his head on the table.

“Oh, right. The rest of the world,” Twilight realized, tapping one hoof on top of the other. “It comes up so little I sometimes forget about it.”

“I think I remember hearing from Blueblood back during the Gala that the royal family maintains a sizable vacation place on one of the larger islands near Seabiscuit,” Rarity supplied helpfully.

“Somehow I doubt that the Princesses would be hiding someplace well known,” Wits pointed out. “Where’s the very last place we’d expect to find them?”

“Maybe they’re in this very room?” Pinkie Pie pondered.

“Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash deadpanned. “If one of the princesses was already in this room, don’t you think we’d know it?”

Pinkie tilted her head. “But there’s already two princesses in here. What if there’s four?”

“What two princesses?”

“Twilight and Minty!”

No-pony was sure where Wits End got the full glass of water, but they certainly noticed when he spat the contents across the room. “I’M NOT A PRINCESS!” the stallion exclaimed. “THAT WAS ONE TIME!” Everypony was silent and stared at Wits, surprised at the outburst for a moment before the silence was broken by the scrape of one of the thrones across the floor. This brought all of the focus on the now very irate looking pegasus who’d stood up from the table.

“Y'all have fun with the search. I’m gonna go find somewhere quiet to die for an hour or two,” Light Patch muttered before quietly, but aggressively, trudging to the door to the map room. He paused, hoof on the door handle, and turned back to look at Spike. “You owe me, Spike. In a few minutes after I’m well out of earshot, I need you to slam this door shut for me.”

The moment Light Patch turned the door handle, the door swung open. There was a sound not unlike a dog’s chew toy being hit with a large brick as Light Patch disappeared between the door and the wall. Jargon, on the other hand, stood in the doorway completely nonplussed. “Am I interrupting, sir?”

Twilight frowned. “I thought I said that you and the rest of the alicorn’s should stay out of my castle.”

“Twilight, please,” Rarity sniffed. “I’m afraid I just don’t understand your recent antagonism towards-” She sniffed the air again, ner muzzle wrinkling. “What in the name of Celestia is that?!”

Purple Heart’s eyes bugged out as he clamped his hooves over his mouth and nose. “OH! I get the reference now!” he squawked squeakily, cutting a glare at Wits’ unflappable frown. “Bucking Cain and Jurgen!”

There were a few muffled questions before, one by one, each of the assembled ponies went limp on the floor. The two ponies still standing looked about at the nine unconscious mares, stallions, and dragon.

“Jargon,” Wits said plainly. “You remember what I said about entering enclosed rooms, don’t you?”

“Apologies, sir,” Jargon sniffed. “I did bathe earlier.”

“How much earlier?”

The hornless alicorn’s face screwed up in thought as he began counting on his hooves.

“Never mind,” Wits cut in. “You’re just lucky I’m used to the smell by now. You do realize you took out Patchy with the door, though, right?”

Jargon let the door go, and the eponymous pegasus slumped to the ground. “I thought the door was rusty.”

Wits sighed. “Just give me your report, then go outside. I’ll try and open some windows or something.”

The alicorn nodded. “You asked Miss Iron Maiden if any of the 597th had seen a pair of alicorns from this world.”

“Yes, I was there for that. What about it?”

Jargon reached into a saddleback and produced a sheaf of papers. “These are the records of everypony who went through the portal.”

Wits blinked. “You’re gonna have to work on your transitions, Jargon. What do your last two statements have to do with each other?”

“Sir,” Jargon said, passing the papers over.

“...Fine.” A pair of summoned hands took the sheaf and brought it closer to Wits. “Yes yes, dates and official stamps. We don’t need this anymore. This is… two alicorns returning to the Bastion of the Night. Okay, but why?”

“The descriptions, sir.”

“Descriptions? Who, for Mareiadoc Brandybuck and Ponygrin Took? A cream-colored mare with pastel rainbow hair and a smaller dark blue mare with hair reminiscent of space? What’s so special about-” Wits paused, rereading the page from the beginning. “Jargon, is it possible that you’ve discovered a sense of humor since the last time we spoke?”

“Unlikely, sir,” Jargon sniffed.

Wits gave a long-suffering sigh. “Alright, go tell Iron Maiden to help open up some windows. I’ll stay here and let our friends know that the Princesses are in another castle. Quite literally, in fact.” He paused. “Just as soon as they wake up, of course.”

“Very good, sir.” Jargon gave what could charitably be called a salute and turned, brushing past Light Patch’s limp body as he exited.

The moment the door closed a groan erupted from Light Patch. “Did anyone happen to get the edition of the immovable rod that hit me?” he asked.

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