Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 11: Great Googly Moogly~!

The locals of Ponyville scrambled to get out of Purple Heart’s path as the large earth pony stalked through the town square. His glowering face was reason enough to clear the way and his general disposition compounded that with the desire to flee home. Purple Heart himself was blind to the fear and discomfort of the ponies as he walked towards the edge of Ponyville.

“How dare she!” Purple Heart snarled. “How dare she think of me as nothing more than a lab rat, an experiment to poke and prod!” A furious growl rumbled in his chest, sending nearby ponies backing away cautiously. The angered earth pony cast a glare over his shoulder. Over the top of Ponyville’s modest skyline, he could just make out the spires of Twilight’s Castle.

“Damn you, Twilight,” he swore under his breath. “I am not a toy. I am not something to contain or control.”

He turned sharply and huffed, striding down the street again.

Only to double back down a side alley leading back to the castle.

“If she sees me coming back, I’m gonna be in a carpload of trouble,” he muttered, “and suitably embarrassed to boot. Particularly after that rant.”

He paused by the large doors, peering up at the entrance to the castle with a frown on his face.

“Now… How to get inside without causing a fuss...” he mused. One of the doors creaked and started opening. Eyes widening with surprise and no small amount of anxiety, Purple Heart’s strings burst from his body and latched onto the walls of the castle. Just as the door swung completely open, Purple Heart was stuck to the wall above, looking down at the top of Wits End’s head. The small unicorn looked left and right, then trotted away toward the marketplace.

“Hmm,” Purple Heart hummed. “Wonder if he got into a spat with Twilight as well...” His rumination was interrupted by the slow swing of the door in his peripheral vision. His strings lengthened and he slid down the castle front and squeezed through the door. Once he was inside, he fell to the floor. The door closed with a majestic click and Purple Heart was once again inside Twilight’s castle.

“This is a terrible idea,” he grunted as he picked a corridor at random and set off through the castle. “Walking back in here after saying what I said. No, not even walking, SNEAKING for carp’s sake! What the hell am I thinking?! Twilight probably summoned Celestia and Luna immediately after I left and are already drawing up plans to wipe us from the face of… Equestria. Yeh, that works.”

He turned a corner and immediately backpedalled. With manic energy, he scaled the wall and anchored himself to the ceiling again. Trying not to breathe too loudly, he stared down at Sunset Shimmer walking slowly beneath him. The mare had a frown set into her face as she walked the empty corridor. She paused and looked out a window. Purple Heart wasted no time scrambling along the rafters deeper into the castle, not trusting the mare to not look up at him.

“I either need to find a really good hiding spot or frack off across Equestria,” the purple stallion muttered as he swung on green threads. “I don’t even know what I want to do. I got my freedom, but that only lasts until I get caught.” His swinging paused when he took a moment to glance down. He blinked. Below him stretched a labyrinth of bookshelves that filled several rooms. Purple Heart lowered himself to the floor with thick lines of corded threads and stepped over to a table of books that Twilight had clearly been using earlier. He raised one of the books and blinked at the title.

“Setting Limits For Your Out of Control Foal,” Purple Heart hummed. “Interesting. Wonder if she ever planned on using that on Discord.” The purple earth pony balked.

“Waaaaaaait… I could get him back for all the crap I’ve been through.” Purple Heart’s lips twisted as he frowned. “Hmm… Get revenge or hide from Twilight. Revenge… Hide… Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge- I think Revenge will be a good start.” He looked around at the vast collection of reading material and smiled.

“Lessee… Where to start...”

Threads exploded out of his back and scattered throughout the library. Within seconds, a line of books and scrolls were dancing past Purple Heart’s nose as his eyes skimmed title after title.

“What to do, what to do,” he whispered. “Challenge him to a duel? Nah, too Bismark… A battle of wits? Nope, not Sicilian enough. Make friends and then backstab him? Too Roman. Crown him king and then stab him? Still too Roman...” He paused in his pondering. The line of books and scrolls hesitated, waiting to move forward.

“How about-” He looked at the books about him, “-impose my rule on a small town and make them worship me as a god, then spread my religion’s influence to all of Equestria?” The books and scrolls just hung there, floating mutely on his strings. Purple Heart shook his head. “Eh, no. Not even gonna let that thought finish.” The line movement resumed and the purple stallion went silent as he continued to run plots through his head. Then he froze. All the reading material his threads were holding tumbled to the floor with a crash.

“A frame up.” Purple Heart tossed his hooves in the air. “Of course! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?! Why do something when you can manipulate others from the shadows to do it for you?! I’ll be a regular old Palpatine!” He blinked. “But how? I don’t even know if there’s a senate to hoodwink.” He gave a heavy sigh and looked down at his hooves. His brow furrowed and he brushed a few books around to reveal a small booklet.

Purple Heart let out a low whistle and grinned. “This may be just what I need.” He picked up the booklet with a string and brought it up to his face.

‘MacHawk’.

“I think I can work something out with this,” he decided. “I’m sure those two lover ponies can help me… They certainly owe me a favor...” Threads shot to the ceiling and dragged him up. Within seconds, the books and scrolls returned to the shelves. Several seconds more and a window opened and shut. A minute after Purple Heart’s realization, Spike dashed into the library and looked around. The small dragon narrowed his eyes and he scanned the bookshelves skeptically. After a moment of mute searching, he shook his head and turned to leave.

“Could’ve sworn I heard something fall,” he muttered under his breath.

* * *

“Well.” Wits End stood, staring back at Twilight’s castle through narrowed eyes. “That could’ve gone better.” The unicorn found himself at quite a crossroads.

A metaphorical crossroads, that is. Physically, he found himself back at the marketplace yet again, looking up at the crystal castle that dominated Ponyville’s skyline. He had stalked straight out of Twilight’s front door, and hadn’t stopped until the throngs of Ponykind had forced him to stop; both physically and mentally. Now that his initial anger had been given time to peter out, he was left in the uncomfortable place of asking himself the all-important question.

Wits sighed heavily. “Now what do I do?”

He briefly considered going back to Twilight and apologizing, but quickly banished the thought from his mind. “Going back right away would negate everything I said to her,” he muttered to himself. “Whether one or both of us was right or wrong, I’m not about to crawl back and beg for forgiveness for having an opinion.

“What else is there, then?” he continued, beginning to pace about the market. “Flee into the Everfree Forest, to live as a hermit for the rest of my days apart from the rest of society?” He paused, a look of quiet contemplation crossing his face, then resumed his slow trot. “No, that hardly seems like the rational response. Hermitage seems like it’d be terrible for my complexion.”

After a moment of thought, Wits’ commentary began again. “Turn to a life of crime? Now there’s a thought. Living as a wanderer, sleeping in the most opulent mansion my powers can get me into, taking whatever I please with a simple-” he turned to the closest stall-owner, tendrils of silvery magic quickly connecting them, “-that’s mine now.”

The merchant blinked. “Uh… Yep, it sure is.” He passed over the loaf of bread he had been carefully adding to an arrangement.

“Thanks.” Wits took the loaf with one hoof and raised it to his mouth, but paused at the last moment. “No… That’s no fun at all. There’s no excitement of stealing something if the other guy just gives it up.” He tossed the loaf back to the merchant. “That’s yours again.”

The merchant blinked again. “...Thanks?”

“Fuggedaboutit.” Wits resumed his pacing. “So, removing myself from society is out, and so is living life as a social parasite. What else is there? Heroism?” He scoffed. “Yeah, I’m sure Twilight would love that. Let’s give the Princess of Freudian Psychology more ammunition after calling me out for not being a ‘real hero’.” He made air-quotes both with his forehooves and sighed.

“Excuse me.” A pegasus trotting by came to a stop next to the mint-colored stallion. “Are you monologuin’?”

“What? No.” Wits shook his head. “I’m not monologuing. I’m pondering.”

The pegasus nodded. “Alright, just checkin’. Seems like only villains monologue these days. Just like’m to ruin a perfectly good pastime, eh?”

Wits nodded vaguely as the pegasus set about his way again. “Yeah, just like a villain.” He frowned. “Aw geez, am I really the bad guy? Am I gonna have to pull a Syndrome and call out some hero for getting me monologuing now? I mean, I get it; that’s what I told Twilight I was gonna do, but… Hmm.” He scratched his chin with a forehoof. “Now, that’s an idea…”

The unicorn’s train of thought was derailed by a hole forming in the cobblestone in front of him. “Behold!” a familiar voice echoed, followed swiftly by a familiar creature appearing from the hole. “Tremble in fear, the Underdog is here! Did you truly think you saw the last of-” The Diamond Dog was cut off by a giant magical hand wrapping around his entire body from the neck down. “Hrk.”

“Alright, listen.” Wits pulled the Underdog out of the hole, holding him so that they were eye to eye. “I’ve had a bad day already. The last thing I need is some two-bit villain-of-the-week trying to achieve Goldfish Poop Gang status. So, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fling you so far that Luna inducts you into the Equestrian Space Program.”

The Underdog forced a snarl onto his face. “Fool! If you think you can get rid of me that easily, I’ll just come back again even more powerful than-”

“Right. Say hello to Voyager 1 for me. If it’s V’ger by this point, you have my condolences.”

“W-wait!” The Underdog struggled against the hand’s grip futility. “The artifact! I’ll give you the artifact!”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “The helmet thing you were trying to blast me with? That’s with Twilight.”

“The pony princess put it in an underground vault for safe keeping!”

Wits blinked. “I worry about the nature of security measures in this world. Do you have it with you?” The Diamond Dog nodded vigorously, and Wits tilted the magic hand so that the first was palm-down. “I’m going to give you a chance to drop it on the ground. If you try anything other than that, you’ll be an unsightly crater on the moon. Got it?” Another energetic nod. Wits relaxed his grip slightly.

A moment later, the helmet dropped to the ground. Wits tightened his magical grasp once again as he picked up the artifact, turning it over in his hooves. “And you’re sure this is the actual dark magic macguffin and not just a children’s headpiece, right?”

“Of course!” the Underdog replied

“How do I make it work?”

“Hah! The nature of its mechanisms are too arcane for a feeble-minded-”

“Hoofston, we have a go for liftoff. Tee-minus ten, nine-”

The Underdog balked. “There’s a trigger button under your left hoof,” he said quickly.

Wits turned the artifact to get a better look. “Here? And you point the convex side at what you want to not exist anymore, right?” He got a nod from this captive. “Right. Let’s give this a try.”

The Diamond Dog swallowed. “Not on the Underdog, I hope.”

“What? Don’t be silly!” Wits patted him on the cheek. “You’ve been almost nothing but helpful! I owe you a bit of that good old benefit of the doubt.” He turned, taking aim over the rim of the artifact.

A thin beam of dark magic fired from the helmet, arcing over the buildings and residents of Ponyville, and striking a point on Twilight’s crystal castle. Wits tilted his head, watching pieces of crystal vaporize in a gout of dark flame. “Huh. Better aim than I expected.”

“What was that?” the Underdog asked.

“Just a bit of pettiness. Nothing you need to worry about.”

“Oh.” The Underdog cleared his throat. “So… Are we friends now?”

Wits blinked. “What?”

“Well, you surfacelings seem to become best friends after just a little bonding, so I thought-”

Wits sighed heavily, cutting off the rest of his captive’s words. “Are you really supposed to be a villain or what? What is with you, man? Come on!”

The Underdog snarled. “Hey, you were my first time! I wasn’t expecting you to be so inconsiderate in the aftermath!”

“Phrasing! How do you make a capture scene awkward? I- Urggggh.” Wits turned away, grumbling to himself for a minute. He sighed. “No, you know what? I’m sorry. I get it. There’s no book on how to be a villain. You get points for trying your best, at least.”

“...Thanks?”

“Shhh. This is not a conversation.”

“Then what is it?”

Wits rolled his eyes, flipping the Diamond Dog onto his back. “Well it was going to be a monologue, but you’ve ruined the mood for that pretty well. I was gonna talk about how new villains like you probably have a hard time, and that ponies really need to respect how hard it is to put together an evil plan, but now that speech would go completely against the mood of the scene!”

With some effort, the Underdog shifted so that he could see Wits again. “Wait, I thought monologuing was a villain thing.”

“Yeah, welcome to the point. Congratulations, you sly dog. You got me monologuing.” Wits motioned with a forehoof, summoning another hand to grab a length of rope, and the two hands worked together to hog-tie the Underdog; complete with a nice little bow. “I’m done throwing you into the horizon, by the way. This time, I’m gonna follow Twilight’s advice.”

“Which was?” The Underdog’s question was followed by another piece of rope being stuffed into his mouth.

Wits turned away and began walking. “Letting her deal with the problem. Tootles!” He waved over his shoulder with one hoof.

The magical hands lifted the captured Diamond Dog, and flung him through the air to land. He sailed through the new hole in Twilight’s castle with a noisy crash.

Wits End made his way through the assorted stunned ponies who had gathered to watch. “Excuse me! Pardon me! Supervillain leaving the scene of the crime here! Make way, make way!” He paused, looking at the hesitant ponies around him. “I don’t think you heard me right, so let me try that another way.”

Dark magic tore a path through the sky, piercing several layers of clouds. Wits held the smoking helmet up with one spectral hand, standing on a raised piece of the street. “Ponies!” Wits bellowed, “prepare for your imminent demise!” The gathered townsfolk took off in all directions; some screaming, some gasping, but all running.

Wits grinned, magical hand dropping the helmet back into his waiting hoof. “Now all of Equestria knows I’m coming.” He started walking down the now empty street, tucking the helmet into an abandoned saddlebag and slinging it over his back. “Good.”

I’m sure Twilight’ll put two and two together, he thought, finding a part of Ponyville that wasn’t panicked and joining the flow of traffic. She’ll think I’ve gone full villain. All I have to do is cause enough trouble for her to come after me personally, then I’ll let her beat me and ‘reform’ me. I’ll go through the whole story arc in a single season, if that. I might not be able to be a main hero, but by the end of this I’ll be one of the recurring support characters at the very least. Operation Speedrun is underway. He paused, spotting an azure mare moving away from the crowd. “Hey, hold up one sec!”

The mare stopped, turning as Wits drew closer. She peered at him from under her ornate pointed hat. “What could you possibly want from the Great and Powerful- Wait.” Trixie raised the brim of her hat to inspect Wits’ face. “Aren’t you the colt who destroyed my wagon?”

Wits coughed awkwardly. “Yeah, that was me. I could give some excuse for it, but that was ‘100%, Grade A, Double Fine Proof My Bad’. Sorry.”

“It’s… fine, I suppose. Trixie has already gotten her apology,” the unicorn mare hefted a sack of bits in one hoof, “and her compensation from Twilight and her friends. So, I suppose we are even.” Trixie grinned, setting her hat at a suitably dramatic angle. “So, what can the Great and Powerful, and also Reformed and Generous, Trixie do for you?”

“Oh, Trixie.” Wits grinned back, wisps of white magic forming around the two of them. “I’m so glad you asked. What do you know about teleportation?”

* * *

Light Patch yawned as Twilight pulled his floating form through Ponyville, a sight that, while strange, was not nearly strange enough for the ponies of Ponyville to do more than cast a questioning glance towards the pegasus turned balloon before returning to their business. “I do hope this doesn’t play into the stereotype that pegasi are airheads,” Light Patch idly muttered.

“I’m sure this won’t do anything too bad,” Twilight replied. “The worst it might do is make ponies think you’re Discord in pony form. If you’re really that concerned, you could walk.” Light Patch just gave a half shrug and rolled over as if he was laying on his back. Twilight grunted in frustration and continued to drag him back to her castle.

Navigating the pegasus through the town was easy. Getting him into the castle was a bit more difficult, but her magic kept it from being as bad as it could have been. She sighed when she’d finally maneuvered the pegasus into the Map Room. Pinkie was currently walking along the circular wall of the Map's base, occasionally tapping a hoof on it, considering the sound, then continuing around again.

“So, what’cha want me back here for?” Light Patch asked as he studied the map he was floating above. “I hope this isn’t an attempt to make me change my ‘Spectator’ stance again.”

“Actually, there was something I was hoping I could convince you to help Pinkie with.”

“I assume it’s got something to do with the fact that my other two friends seem to have struck it on their own as well.” He pointed at the two wayward cutie marks. His hoof wavered as the map flickered, changing the position of the three cutie marks. “Huh, it tracks us.”

“Yes, but I get the feeling the tree hadn’t meant for the map to be able to track moving...” Twilight trailed off as her mind whirled, trying to find a word that she hoped wouldn’t insult them. “Ponies of interest.” she started to say before the stallion cut her off.

“Pains in your flank?” Spike deadpanned as he walked in, holding a plate of sandwiches. Light Patch snorted and leaned forward to snag some of the food.

“She didn’t use those exact words to describe us, did she?” the stallion whispered to Spike.

“I’m not old enough to repeat the exact wording,” Spike whispered back a grin on his face, prompting a smile from Light Patch who gave Spike a quick hoof bump for the food.

“Thanks for the food, Spike, but weren’t you going to hang out with the Cutie Mark Crusaders today?” Twilight asked, flicking her eyes from Spike towards the door.

“You’re not trying to get rid of him, are you?” Light Patch asked, looking innocently at Twilight. “I mean, I told you I’m a neutral observer. He's no more with me here than he would be anywhere I’m not.” Light Patch finished off the sandwich he’d taken and then made a hurt look. “We’re all friends here. the worst I might do is pants you in public.”

“What’er pants?” Spike muttered around his sandwich, mentally adding something else to the list of things he was gonna have to look up or ask about.

“We don’t wear pants,” Twilight deadpanned her reply.

“Well, I guess you’re all safe then,” Light Patch said with a shrug, leaning back to watch the map. He ignored Twilight and Spike talking in the background as he watched the map slowly, almost painfully, update the position of the cutie mark’s it was showing. “You know... you may need to restart this thing. You’ve got some serious lag.”

Twilight looked away from Spike. “I brought you here because I was hoping you could maybe improve the map. As you can see, it’s slow to update. I was never able to figure out what magic powers it, and I was too worried about breaking it to try to mess with it.”

“Okay. Then why me?”

“Because, Patchy, you’re like me,” Pinkie said, suddenly right in the pegasus’s face, holding onto him despite currently hanging upside down from him. Light Patch shook her off and quickly shot away from her, tangling himself in the tree roots and memory crystals above the map.

“How long have you been in here?!”

“Since the third draft,” Pinkie said, lying on the map, “and I want to help you figure out your powers by helping me figure out how to help the map.”

“Ah... Well, the idea of stretching and testing my powers sounds lovely, but what makes you think you and I can change how it works?”

“Because I almost did!” Pinkie flipped over onto her stomach. “Well, kinda. I made their Cutie Marks go all-” she wiggled her hooves vaguely, “but it didn’t stick. Between the two of us, maybe we can make the-” she wiggled again, “permanent! Even Twilight thinks it could work!”

“Could work,” Twilight emphasized. “Only because Pinkie’s… abilities don’t conform to any known rules of magic. If you two have the same power, then I don’t even think Discord would know what’s possible.”

“That is high praise from you, Twilight,” Light Patch said, having finally untangled himself from the roots and settled down on the surface of the map. He very subtly tried reaching out with his powers towards the map, trying to ignore the grin Pinkie shot at him the moment he’d started and stayed focused on Twilight. “I would like to get a better handle on these powers to enjoy them while they last.” He felt his powers touch and interact with the map and his face twitched as he felt something. “But, I’ve told you I’m just a third party here. I won’t help or hinder anyone.” He drew his power back.

This got a groan from Twilight. “Seriously? You’re still going on about that? You do understand that the two only other pon- people from your world are out there, right? Chances are, they’re both making their villainous, and probably dumb, plans as we speak. If we just leave them out there, then they’ll either cause some damage, or worse, get themselves in more trouble than I can protect them from.”

Spike frowned in concern. “Do you really think they’d do anything… bad?”

“Purple Heart was furious when he left,” Twilight sighed. “Whatever he does, it’s sure to break something important. As for Wits… I’m more concerned with him setting up something he can’t control. Like starting a rebellion.” She turned her attention back to Light Patch. “Now, what’s it gonna take to get you to drop this whole neutrality shtick and help save your—and my—friends?”

“Absolutely nothing, because I’m not dropping my shtick, it’s mine and I’m taking it with me. Besides, why should I help? It wouldn’t matter if we helped you save the world or not, we’d just get the blame for it again. Just like Just Duty, Bael, and Holdfast were our fault,” Light Patch said, running a hoof through his hair that came out with a pocket watch. “Just like the Hydra was our fault and just like whatever drew us here will probably be our ‘fault’ too.” He waved his hooves in an attempt to do air quotes.

“I told you,” Spike said with a slight sense of smug satisfaction, “you and the rest of the girls really should apologise to them for that.”

“Besides, Twilight, you’re a smart mare. I’m sure you can handle… hoofle?” Light Patch trailed off and looked towards Pinkie for help but got a shrug in return. “I’m sure you can deal with whatever Purple and Wits are up to. And, I’m sure Pinkie can figure out the map upgrades on her own.”

Twilight dragged a hoof over her face. “Oh, for the love of Celestia… This isn’t about ‘dealing’ with Purple Heart and Wits End! This is, and always has been, about trying to get the three of you back to your world! I can’t do that if two-thirds of you aren’t here!” She let out her breath in a huff as she walked around the table. “At this point, I’m starting to think Wits isn’t the only one who thinks he needs to stay in this world.”

“I don’t think I have to stay in this world, but it’s starting to feel like we’re not allowed to be in our world any more. After the first adventure, we got sent home. Only to blunder into a funhouse mirror of your world and after that we get pulled straight to Equestria. We didn't pass ‘Go’ and we didn’t collect our two hundred bits,” Light Patch said, dropping the sandwich he’d been about to eat back on the plate and shoving it away. “After everything, I don’t wanna be here anymore than you seem to want us here. But it looks like the universes have other plans, so I figure just this once, I’ll let you take care of things. It’s your specialty. Which is good, because I just don’t care this time.”

Twilight gave a short shout of frustration before glaring at Light Patch.

“Well too bad! Because I’m asking you to care! You say you want to go home! If you help, I can get you back sooner! I can focus on that once I’ve got all three of you here and dealt with what’s making you all act so weird!”

“As nice as it would be to get home a little sooner, what can you do to promise me that we would get home? We didn’t get to go back after the last adventure, we just wound up here,” he retorted.

“I promise, I just need you to help me get your friends back,” Twilight requested through gritted teeth. “Help your friends, like you always used to.”

“Help my friends?” Light Patch echoed angrily, turning to look at Twilight and Spike. “You want me to help my friends.”

“Hey, calm down,” Spike said, scooting in front of Twilight. “We’re all friends here, right?” He opened his mouth to continue, but he was cut off by Light Patch suddenly jumping onto the top of the map.

“You want me to help my friends?” he sneered. “Fine. I'll help them.” He reached out and shoved his hoof into Pinkie’s mane, ignoring her surprised cry.

“I’m borrowing this,” he said, pulling out an antique pocket watch. He flicked it open to check it was working. Then he lifted a hoof and slammed it down on the map table’s surface. Sparks shot from the table and the rendering of Equestria flickered. The markers of his and his two friend’s cutie marks spasmed wildily for a second, then the whole thing went dark.

“Wha... what did you do!” Twilight shouted, rushing to the blank table.

“I did what you suggested,” Light said. “I helped my friends.” He looked blankly and Twilight’s dumbstruck expression. Then he blinked. When his eyes opened he was somewhere else. The grey pegasus smiled and pulled the pocket watch out from behind his back. He flicked the watch open and there sat a significantly smaller view of the map with the markers still tracking himself and his friends with a much faster update rate. “And I may have helped myself a little too. Let’s go see who's up to what.”