Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 49: An Uneasy Agreement

“I don’t know how you sold me on this idea,” Twilight grumbled, trying her best to hold back an oncoming migraine.

“Don’t worry about it,” Wits said easily. “This is genius.”

“This is a disaster.”

“They’ll never see it coming.”

“We’ll never see you three alive again.”

“You missed this, didn’t you?” Spike said, his legs swinging as he watched the group of ponies from his stool.

Both ponies shot a shushing sound at the small dragon. “Everypony knows where they’re going and what they’re doing,” Twilight said, “right?”

Wits nodded. “Go up north, clear out a couple of bandits with two halves of a PG-13 superweapon. Sounds easy enough.”

“I’m going to collapse the entire kingdom,” Light Patch moaned from under his forelegs, which were burying his face. “My name will be in the history books as the Destroyer of Equestria.”

“I wouldn’t give yourself that much credit,” Twilight replied, rolling her eyes. “Our government is more robust than you’d expect. And even if the council seizes up, once the Princesses come back they can sort it out; though they might grumble about the extra work.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine,” Wits cut in. “Just don’t kick the bucket three days in.”

“Don’t make me take all of this as a challenge!” the pegasus replied, waving a hoof.

“Want mine? I gotta get Sol Eater through the portal without undue violence,” Purple Heart grumbled. He glared at Wits. “Not certain ‘SEDUCE ME’ is gonna work. And I doubt ponies eat chicken.”

“Sol might,” Wits coughed. “Oh, by the way, can I borrow a couple of things? I wanna take Rogue Squadron with me. They know the territory, and I’ll need all the advantages I can get.”

Purple Heart blinked once. “Uuuuuuuh, yes? Sure? I ‘unno where they are at the moment.” He side-eyed Light briefly. “If they managed to get the Halved Orb, you wouldn’t have to go get it. So I can only presume that they are either indisposed or AWOL.”

“Go talk to Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie,” Twilight muttered. “I think they are the ones who helped them drag Light Patch back here.” She paused. “I ought to start charging ponies rent for staying in my castle.”

“Speaking of borrowing, do you have any knives you could spare, Wits?” Light asked.

“No knives,” Wits replied. “And no disintegrations. Purple took out enough of the government already.”

“You’re really tying my hooves on methods I actually know how to use here,” Light patch replied. “Next your gonna tell me ‘no faking assassination attempts’.”

“You don’t get to use those either!” Wits and Twilight replied at the same time, eliciting another groan from Light Patch.

Wits perked up. “Oh, one more thing.”

“I cannot wait for you to get out of my castle,” Twilight sighed.

“I need to take Spike with me.”

Twilight blinked. “What?”

Spike blinked as well. “What?”

Wits looked at the assembled ponies and Spike. “...What? Really? No-one else gets it? With Rogue Squadron and… No?”

“Can I go?” Spike asked, turning to Twilight. “I mean, I really haven’t gotten to do anything since this whole fiasco got started.”

Twilight shook her head. “Looking for ponies is one thing, but I’m not about to send you into the middle of a bandit civil war.”

“He’ll have an entire regiment of alicorns around him,” Wits replied. “And the best spec-ops team Equestria has besides the Wonderbolts.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “And you?”

“Yeah, I’d be a much better target than him anyway.”

Twilight looked between Spike and Wits. Eventually, she sighed. “Fine. But Spike doesn’t leave your side for a moment up there.”

“I shall draw aggro away from him at all times,” Wits said with a lazy salute. “Let’s do this thing then.”

Light Patch finally sat up straight, and took a deep breath before plastering a nervous smile on his face. “I’m going to get assassinated so fast,” he squeaked, before going back to faking his confidence—poorly, the others at the table noted.

“You can’t do any worse than Blueblood,” Twilight deadpanned. “And he hasn’t been deposed yet.”

“Even if they try to charge you with something,” Wits added, “you’ve got at least two free passes without anything sticking.”

“So long as you don’t try to pull a Palpatine like I did,” Purple Heart said. “Try more for Supreme Chancellor Obi-Wan. I can guarantee I won’t send any assassins.”

“You’d better not, or me and my senate will make a clone army and come after you,” the pegasus jokingly threatened at Purple Heart.

“Already did that.”

“What? No you didn’t,” Light Patch shot back. “You made a magical automata army. Basically droids. So roger roger that!”

“Alright then,” Wits said, cutting off the argument starting to brew by summoning a pair of hands to clap decisively. “Pack for cold weather, Spike. I’ll wrangle up Rogue Squadron and meet you in the 597th’s compound.”

Twilight’s eyebrows shot up so high they threatened to join with her hairline. “They’ve established a compound?!”

“Pack quickly,” Wits added.

“You got it!” Spike hopped from his stool and rushed out of the room. Wits watched the small dragon leave, then sighed.

“What?” Purple Heart asked.

Wits shook his head. “I was hoping for ‘yub yub, commander.’”

* * *

“Shoulda asked Twilight to take the cuffs off before she left,” grumbled Purple Heart as he climbed over hill and dale. The purple alicorn in question had bamfed him close to where his forces were camped, and left with little more than a nod of approval at her own work. Now the large earth pony was making his way back to the camp, and his mood was not improving in the slightest.

“How the actual carp am I gonna do this...” he muttered. “No strings, no positive rapport with Sol Eater, no idea where she is… And I have to get her BACK through the portal without violence. Talk about a handicap… Hooficap… Hngh...”

He trudged along, staring at nothing as he crested hills and descended them, not paying any attention to his progress. It was only when a trumpeting call far ahead of him that his eyes came back into focus. A patrol made up of two elephants and six Armours appeared from within a small copse of trees disconnected from the forest whole. Real panic ripped through Purple Heart when he saw the Armours approaching him. A subtle string flicked out and attached itself to the leader. Hiding a sigh of relief, Purple rolled his shoulders back and stood tall.

“Sah!” one of the elephants called, saluting smartly with their trunk. “Where’ve ya been? The Colonel’s been apoplectic since you suddenly disappeared. What happened?”

Silently directing the Armours to form up and flank himself, Purple Heart twisted his lips into a good-natured scowl. “Got myself a little turned around trying to chase down the beings coming through the portal, sergeant. Actually ran into our illustrious Princess Twilight and had to answer a few questions for her. How have things been in my absence?” He strode between the hulking Raiders, nodding for them to follow him to the camp.

“We’ve had to repel several incursions coming from the portal,” the other elephant spoke up. “Hathi had two squads dedicated to searching for you. Now that you’ve returned, he can pull them back to augment the defenders at the portal.”

Purple Heart nodded his head. “Right. I’ll speak to him first. I’ve some important things to discuss with him. Excellent work, soldier.”

“Sah,” the two elephants saluted. The Armours said nothing and merely clanked along as they followed the trio up one more hill that, upon reaching its summit, revealed the Tusken Raider encampment below.

“Thank you,” Purple Heart said to the two elephants. “You may return to your duties.” He raised a hoof in salute to respond to the elephants’ own. Once they had turned and lumbered back the way they’d come, Purple Heart pulled his strings from the Armours.

“With me,” he ordered, turning back to the encampment. With the Armours clanking behind him, Purple Heart made his way down the hill as quickly as he could. When he reached the encampment, he waved a hasty salute at the elephants on guard, released the Armours, and sped towards the command tent. He threw the flap open with no fanfare or pomp and circumstance.

“COLONEL HATHI!” he cried. “IT HAS, INDEED, ALL GONE TO SHIT, KUPO~!”

The elephant in question simply stared at Purple Heart in silence, as the officers circled around the table with him looked on, eyes wide.

Then Purple Heart noticed his audience.

He blinked twice. “Zeusy, I’m home...” he sang softly as embarrassment settled in his features.

The silence returned and stretched on.

“Eeehm… IneedtheColonel, bye!” Purple Heart said rapidly as he dashed forward, grabbed Colonel Hathi in his hooves (with the help of about a hundred strings), and tore out of the command tent. Within seconds, he was out of the encampment and in the forest. With a twitch, he dropped Hathi onto the ground and started to pace. The stunned elephant sat on his hind end and simply stared at the purple earth pony.

“It’s all gone to roadapples, kupo!” Purple swore. “This whole thing is coming down around our ears!” He whirled to Colonel Hathi, panic clear in his face and the jerky movement of his body. “That little disappearing act a few days ago?! Unsolicited! Twilight came outta nowhere and bamfed me away to her castle! ‘Why’, you must be thinking. I DON’T KNOW WHY!! Absolute mad lass manages to gather up the three of us and makes us sit down and help her, for carp’s sake! Gotta admit, props to her on that, but BOY HOWDY do I not like how things turned out! I’m surprised I managed to keep it in this long, but I am WAAAAAY outside my comfort zone!”

Hathi blinked at the gasping stallion, not quite sure what the problem the purple earth pony was wrestling with, if any. The elephant officer wanted to speak up, but he’d seen enough rants to know that the best bet was usually to let them run their course and talk to the individual in question after they’d worn themselves out. So, he stayed silent, trying to catch up with the colt’s rampant train of thought.

“-without violence! WITHOUT. VIOLENCE! I’d have more success trying to convince someone to NOT invade Russia in the winter! Besides, I’m certain that every day when Sol Eater wakes up, she asks herself ‘the question’, says ‘the question is violence’, then answers herself with ‘YES’. That is one dangerous alicorn that I really don’t want to tussle with!”

“Aah,” hummed Hathi. “Might I suggest a parley?”

Hathi winced imperceptibly when he found himself staring into wild cobalt blue eyes.

“A… parley,” Purple said hesitantly. “You think… that Sol Eater, Co-Ruler of the Second Alicorn Diarchy, would accept a parley? Without instantly flash-frying my sorry carcass on sight?”

“...Worth a shot, innit?”

“HNNNNGH!!” Purple Heart threw up his hooves and fell onto his pack, breathing deeply as he looked up at the sparsely clouded sky.

“If I might be so bold as to ask,” Hathi said slowly, choosing his words carefully, “what was Princess Twilight’s suggestion?”

“Nothing!” Purple Heart snapped. “Wits though, he suggested some kind of double-bluff business that might work. Possibly. Maybe. Not...” He turned his head to look at the colonel. “Have you ever experienced a situation where the phrase ‘Seduce me’ DOESN’T result in awkwardness?”

Hathi blinked. “I… cannot say that I have,” he replied hesitantly.

Purple Heart squinted at the elephant. “Can’t or won’t?” he inquired.

Hathi swallowed noisily. “I’m… not at liberty to say,” he said finally.

“Ahuh.” Purple turned his head back to the sky. “Welp, I got nothing. Guess I’ll try to talk to her under the banner of parley and hope she doesn’t vaporize me.” Strings popped out of the stallion’s shoulders and compressed into thick cordes that pushed his back off the ground and onto his hooves. They thinned and turned into a small brush that Purple Heart then used to dust off his back. With one final stretch, he banished the strings and turned to Hathi. He balked under the elephant’s confused gaze.

“What?”

“Those strings… how long have you had them?” Hathi asked slowly.

Purple blinked. “You can see them?”

“I saw them pushing you up from the ground and brushing your back,” Hathi said. “They were not exactly subtle.”

A frown formed on Purple Heart’s face. “I always keep them hidden,” he muttered. “Why were they visible?” He looked down at the ground, eyes flicking to and fro until they landed on his cuffs. His face went deadpan. “Oh.”

Hathi arched an eyebrow at the purple earth pony. “Oh?” he echoed.

“Twilight must’ve woven more magic into these than I thought,” Purple Heart realized. “Not only is this intent based, but now they’re no longer invisible. Thaaaaanks.”

“They were invisible before?” Hathi asked.

“Ever since I got here.”

“What can they do?”

“Anything I put my mind to.”

Hathi squinted. “Oh really?”

“Eeyup.” A string popped out of the purple colt’s chest and waved at the now-grim faced elephant.

“Can they make beings do things against their will?” Hathi rumbled, towering over Purple Heart. Purple blinked, looking up at the sudden eclipse. Hathi’s tusks were very close now.

“Uhhhhhh...”

“Sir? Yes. Or no.”

Purple Heart swallowed.

“Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyes.”

“...”

“In my defense, I didn’t know I could use them for such a purpose! Doesn’t excuse what I did to you or anyone else, but hopefully you’ll want to squish me less!” Purple Heart rambled out quickly.

Hathi stared down at Purple Heart for a long while. When he finally spoke, his voice wasn’t the powerful trumpet it usually was. Instead, it was a dangerous whisper.

“As soon as I return to the camp, I am penning a missive to the capitol,” he said, “detailing my reasoning for declaring you unfit to serve and command in the Equestrian Military. I suggest you send a letter as well when you request a parley of Princess Sol Eater that orders a replacement for your position as commander of our force. You have three more days as my commanding officer, sir. Make good use of them.”

Purple Heart bowed his head in acknowledgement.

“Out of curiosity,” Hathi mused, “what else can you do with those strings of your’s?”

Purple Heart shrugged. “Like I said, anything I can put my mind to.” A weave of strings shot out and set to making a number of shapes in the air. Several dozen split off to make two clones, one of Purple Heart, and another of Hathi. Yet more created a dome over the two of them for a split second and promptly vanished with the rest of the strings in a torrent of emerald green.

Hathi blinked, impressed despite himself. “Could you make a strong barrier, perhaps?” he inquired. Purple nodded slowly as his gaze drifted to the portal shining dimly in the distance. A smile curved his lips.

“Colonel,” he said, “I think I’ve got an idea...”

* * *

“And with that second casting of the spell, you are basically caught up with what’s been going down,” Paladin Just Duty finished. “Now, I believe you promised me a drink or two for this poor old stallion’s parched throat.” He faked a cough.

“Now that I finally understand what’s been going on in the background,” Holdfast said with a sigh, “I feel like I owe you more than just a couple of drinks. And then if there’s any truth to all of the rumors I’ve heard about you and your little outdated order of Paladins. I suspect the whole country owes you enough drinks to cover you for the rest of your life, and probably your children too.”

“If you're going to phrase it like that, I suppose you can start settling the debt now.” Just Duty paused. “Or rather, soon. Wasn’t there an emergency senate appointee you’re supposed to meet here?”

“Apparently somepony convinced Blueblood that the Frozen North should have some representation in this council, in addition to their representation in the Crystal Empire,” Holdfast replied testily. “And being the Chairpony of P.I.S.S., I apparently have nothing better to do than greet this pony, rather than let others greet and learn directly what's going on up there.”

“Well, at least you seem to be trying to use...” Just Duty hesitated, “...your position to do good, for the most part.”

“For the most part?”

“The loose wording has tied more hooves than just the Elements,” Just Duty said with as neutral a look as he could force. “At least that’s what agent Sweetie Drops rants about recently. My own Paladins have had to specifically stay away from some of the more visible events out of caution.”

“I had less say than I was hoping on the final draft of that document,” Holdfast admitted. “It was rammed through our committee while we were still forming.”

“I know a nice little tavern we can journey to and discreetly morun the bureaucratic stupidity we’ve had to suffer through. And considering you’ll be following me in, the regulars shouldn’t hassle you if you were to visit again.”

“That sounds nice, but I should sit here and-” Holdfast trailed off, his ears turned in a new direction.

“And?” Just Duty prompted.

“And... I think I hear some pony,” Holdfast said, setting off towards the lesser used hallway his ears pointed at. With a shrug, Just Duty followed quietly, giving any who’d have paid attention a rare public display of his skill. Fortunately, only them and the voice they hunted stalked the passages at this time.

Luck was with them, and many of the passages were covered in carpet to keep noise down for those who used to toil in these offices. Now it was mostly storage and meeting rooms; one of which was occupied by a lone pony, sounding quite flustered.

“Okay, it’s fine,” the voice said reassuringly to itself, its tone not sharing in that view. “You have a plan. Granted, it’s a nuclear option plan, but it is a plan.”

Just Duty craned his neck to get a better look over Holdfast. “Sounds like Light Patch,” he whispered. “One of the stallions in the center of what's going on.”

“Do you have any idea what he’s doing here?” Holdfast whispered back.

“All you have to do is force enough gridlock to seize up the whole senate, and break down any controlling coalitions that might exist,” the young pegasus muttered to himself. “With that, the whole senate will have to be re-elected; Blueblood included. Not ideal in the middle of two wars, but better than whatever new chaos Blueblood might cause. I could also snarl up P.I.S.S. I think, due to not needing re-electing as a special consideration senator. It’s just like the British Parliament.” Light Patch tried to wipe the sweat from his forehead. “I just wish I knew more about the British Parliament.”

“I thought you’d said he was de-villinized,” Holdfast whispered back, expertly holding back the worst of his alarm.

“That was the information Spike had provided.” Just Duty replied, idly wondering if he should have brought his hammer with him. The two listened to the stallion go over his plan two more times.

“His plan does have a certain level of elegance in its simplicity,” Holdfast replied, after listening to the pegasus panic as he went over his plan for at least the third time.

“His plan is to collapse one of the few branches of government still doing stuff now that the princesses have been cut out of the loop.” The older stallion paused for a moment as a stray thought occurred to him. “You know, come to think of it, I haven’t even had a meeting with them for a while longer than usual.”

“I’m not saying it is not a bit wonton in its scale,” Holdfast replied, “but I think we can use his plan in a more focused manner.” Without another word, the senator pushed his way into the room, causing the pegasus to jump in surprise.

“Oh, Senator Holdfast!” Light Patch gulped. “It’s good to meet you before the meeting. I'm Winter Bluff, the emergency representative of the Frozen North townstates-” That was as far as Light Patch was able to get into his cover story before he noticed Just Duty follow Holdfast into the room.

“You’re really not good at this pony name thing Light,” Just Duty said, a wry smile on his face. “A little advice: try to avoid using anything that could suggest lying in a name. Tends to make the ones you least want suspicious... suspicious.”

“We have a meeting to get to,” Holdfast cut in, “so I’ll have to keep this short. I heard your plan and I think it’s workable, but please: allow me to be the scalpel to your bonesaw and guide it a little more effectively. I believe there is a way we can oust Blueblood without completely paralyzing the only functioning governing body Equestria has.” He paused just long enough to let Light Patch’s brain catch up. “It would also work quite well with my plans to re-tune P.I.S.S. into something worth keeping around.”

“Or at least fix the name,” Just Duty said with a grimace. “We’ve been saying it so much that it is starting to have the effect of the sound of running water in a crowded room on me.”

“It’s on the list of priorities,” Holdfast admitted. “First things first: deal with Blueblood.”

“Actually, the first thing is to get to that senate meeting you mentioned,” Light Patch said, staring in horror at the working and accurate clock in the room. With a shared look, the three stallions bolted through the halls to try and not be much later than they already were.

* * *

Buck Skykicker looked up at the alicorn standing in front of him. It was still difficult for him to believe that he was working with an entire regiment of them, after preparing to fight them just days ago. “What is it?”

Iron Maiden’s smile was implacable. “Strategos- that is, Wits End wants to discuss how best to handle the situation in the north. As the commander of Rogue Squadron, he wanted you there for your expertise.”

Buck shared a look with the rest of his squad. “Don’t start anything while I’m gone.

“I never start anything,” Wedge quipped back. “I only finish things already in motion.”

With a nod, Buck turned to follow the alicorn. After a few tense minutes, he spoke. “Any harsh feelings?”

Iron Maiden looked down at him as they walked; the alicorn standing a good head taller than the pegasus. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we were on opposite sides of a war not too long ago. I want to know who has my back, and my squad’s for that matter.”

Iron Maiden stared at him for a good long time. “Is Equestria so barbaric that you only fight wars against your worst enemies?”

Buck was taken aback. “What, do alicorns fight wars for fun?”

“Of course not! But we respect our opponents. If we weren’t on opposite sides, we’d treat them to drinks at the tavern.” Iron Maiden frowned. “Perhaps that’s why we lost our empire…”

Despite himself, Buck chuckled. “So you’ve got my back?”

Iron Maiden nodded. “So long as you and your squadron wield those wings of yours against our common enemy, the 597th has your back.”

Buck nodded. “That’s a relief.”

The two of them came to a clearing, with Wits and Spike standing in the middle by a patch of bare dirt. “That’s roughly how the Crystal Empire looks, right?” Wits asked, making a few more lines in the dirt with a stick.

“Mostly,” Spike nodded. “I mean, it’s a lot more symmetrical on Twilight’s map…”

“Hey man…”

“Wits End.” Iron Maiden announced her presence, eliciting a small jump from the unicorn. “We are all here.”

“All?” Buck looked around the clearing. “Just the four of us?”

“Five.” A shadow moved past him, with a pair of eyes that reflected the moonlight around them. “Good to see ya again, boss.”

“Mousetail,” Wits replied with a nod. “No hard feelings?”

The Thestral grinned, revealing shining pointed fangs. “Are ya kidding? All you did was skip past that awkward part of the relationship where we try and figure out who’s in charge of who. I’ve got your back, boss.”

Wits End paused. “...Alright then.” He motioned towards the makeshift map in the dirt. “Let’s get to work.”

“So we have a map,” Buck said. “We still need a plan.”

“You’re talking to the pony who single-hoovedly brought Equestria to the brink of conquest,” Wits replied with a grin.

“You wouldn’t have won,” Buck replied. “There’s no way you would’ve beaten the Elements of Harmony.”

“And there’s no way Purple Heart would’ve used them against me. Don’t underestimate my conniving nature, kid. In another life, I could’ve been a smuggler.”

Buck frowned. “Then what’s your plan?”

“Simple. Mousetail, how big is the Royal Guard contingent in the Crystal Empire?”

Mousetail thought for a moment. “All up, about as big as your Alicorn groupies. Reports say that the bandit forces around that big too, but the Guardsponies can’t keep them pinned down.”

“That matches up with the info we got,” Buck said. “When we were sent in to try and snatch the Orb, most of our time was spent just tracking these guys down. They know the terrain too well to be caught by a traditional Equestrian force.”

“We can handle a few ponies,” Iron Maiden scoffed. “We’ll find them from the sky and rain down on them like-”

“No such luck,” Buck interrupted. “They’re not pony bandits, and they’re not a unified force. Half of them are Griffon mercenaries, and the others are a rag-tag bunch led by a Minotaur. There’s hardly any coordination between them, but that makes predicting them almost impossible. Sometimes they work together to fight off the Royal Guard, only to fight each other on the retreat.”

“So we’re dealing with two warlords, not one,” Wits cut in. “So let’s treat them as two separate forces instead.” He looked at each of them in turn. “Now obviously, we don’t know where our opponents are, but I have a lead on how they think.”

Buck raised an eyebrow. “Who?”

“The putz who hired them. Like I said, don’t underestimate me. Spike?”

Spike picked up the stick, drawing a rough circle that covered the middle of the map. “Based on the letters Twilight was getting from Cadance and Shining,” he said, “this is about where the Crystal Empire’s part of the Royal Guard is able to work best.” He finished by marking his drawing with a large ‘C’. “Any time those bandits got outside of that, and the Guard would lose them.”

Wits nodded. “Makes sense. They’re trained to protect the empire, not the snow around it. Farmboy, you got in amongst the bandits for a short time, right?”

Buck blinked. “Are… how did you know I was a-”

“Just assume I have some genre savviness and answer the question.”

“...Fine.” Buck sighed, calling up his memories of his last briefing. “The Bowgunners are your typical bandit mob. They’ve been hitting the outlying villages up here for years, but never been so much of an issue that they needed to be dealt with. This year, a new leader named Grill Grood took command and has been leading more aggressive raids.”

“And the others?”

“Talon Mercenary Company. Or at least, that’s what they call themselves. Came from the Griffon territory looking for work, and apparently didn’t realize that Equestria doesn’t deal in war. They take what they need, but still pretend to be professionals in the meantime. Leader’s called Solosun Grundy; by the books, as much as Griffons put stock in books.” Buck paused. “Anything else?”

“Nope,” Wits replied. “I needed a profile to work with, and you provided two excellent ones. Mousetail: we had some Thestrals up here to keep an eye on the Crystal Empire. Did they happen to track where the bandits were hitting?”

“Sure.” Mousetail took the offered stick from Spike, and started drawing out a series of small circles. “Those minotaur raids are all over like this… And the griffons,” she drew a single circle, just barely touching the edge of the Crystal Empire’s reach, “stick to this area.”

Wits grinned. “I do love when the enemy plays by the rules.” He paused. “Iron, you don’t have to raise your hoof. This is a warroom, not a classroom.”

“Sorry.” Iron Maiden put her hoof down. “It’s just… That’s a lot of ground to cover. The 597th wouldn’t be able to encircle a fraction of that, and the Equestrians have already proven that a straight battle won’t work.”

“I agree,” Wits said. “Which is why we’ll be avoiding a straight battle. You wanted a plan, farmboy? Well listen up, ‘cause here’s your plan.”