Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 24: Ponypedia Will Not Be Counted As A Source

Twilight let out a long, tired sigh as she lay out face-down on the map table.

Rainbow Dash glanced side-long at the prostrate princess. “Still haven’t recovered from dealing with that Coltson guy, huh?

Twilight let out an even longer, more beleaguered sigh in response.

“And that's why we put him in the front office,” Just Duty said, pointing at Twilight.

“Yeah, fair enough.” Rainbow Dash looked around the room. Their group had been the first to get back and with Spike taking up Paladin Duty’s time and attention with a constant stream of questions about the Paladins of Equestria—some of which she had wanted to ask first—there wasn’t much for the rest of the girls to do until everypony else arrived. “Shouldn’t Rarity at least be here on time?”

With great effort, Twilight pulled her head up enough to stare at the pegasus with one eye.

Rainbow Dash shuttered. “Alright, fine.” She slid out of her seat and hovered towards the door. “I’m gonna go help Sunset raid the pantry. Her idea of ‘chocolate therapy’ doesn’t sound to ba-”

She was cut off by the thud of a book crashing into the map’s surface as Rarity draped herself into her chair. “I am sorry about being late, I was doing a bit of light reading.”

“Light reading?” Rainbow replied sardonically as she measured the book’s thickness with her hoof.

“Yes. It was that or give into the urge to make a wide brimmed red hat. Can you imagine me in a hat like that…” Rarity paused in thought. “I suppose I’d have to make a red trench coat to match. If I should make the coat. Which I will not!” She glared at a spot behind and slightly above her.

“What was that for?” Twilight asked, having pulled the book over to use as a pillow.

Spike looked up from his volume of Into the Paladin-verse; or as he called it, his research materials. “Are you seeing black and white panels with narration on them?

“No! It’s Light Patch! He’s been messing with me all day! I think his subtle hints weren’t as subtle as he hoped they were! He’s been trying to slow me down by annoying me or making me think of how stunning I’d look in red!”

“So do what you usually do and kick ‘im,” Rainbow replied with a shrug and a small frown as Twilight went back into her little funk.

“He learned to not stay still long enough after the first one,” Rarity replied casually.

“So he can learn,” Rainbow Dash mused, earning a small chuckle from Rarity. “Well, until the rest of the girls show up, I’ve got a date with Twilight’s chocolate stash.” She crossed quickly to the door. “I just hope Sunset hasn’t eaten all of the good-” She was cut off by a knock coming from the other side. “Oh, for the love of- Alright, who is it?” She turned the door handle.

The door shot open, taking the pegasus with it through most of the arc before she could let go. “Twilight!” Fluttershy called, panting heavily. “Twilight, I think- Oh, Rainbow Dash! Are you alright?”

Rainbow Dash held up a forehoof from where the door had deposited her. “Peachy,” she grumbled.

Fluttershy hesitated. “Sorry,” she said quickly before turning back to the map table. “Twilight!”

“Yeah, I heard you,” Twilight sighed. “What’s so important that you decided to almost take Rainbow out?”

“That was an accident.” Fluttershy turned back to the prone pegasus again. “Sorry.” Back to Twilight. “I think Wits End might be evil.”

“You’re just figuring this out now?” Twilight rolled over, trying to find the softest part of her book-pillow. “I thought his declaration that he was gonna become a villain was the first hint.”

Some of the fervor that had fueled Fluttershy’s entrance left her. “I… figured that was just Wits being Wits.”

Twilight found a particularly comfortable part of the tome and relaxed a bit. “In that case, I called him being evil from the very beginning. Finally, I’m vindicated for the Battle of Roads Crossed.”

“I think you still share half of the fault for that one, dear,” Rarity sniffed.

“Don’t harsh my victory,” Twilight sighed. The softness had gone out of her book again and taken her momentary good mood with it.

Fluttershy blinked. “I’m… I’m just going to sit down, I think.”

The door banged open just as Fluttershy reached her seat and the poor mare jolted in fear as Pinkie Pie and Applejack thundered in.

“Twilight! You won’t believe what happened!” Pinkie shouted excitedly, plopping a hefty sack on the floor. Twilight rolled her head back, sighing loudly as she looked at the ceiling.

“At this rate, I don’t know what to believe,” she groaned.

“We found Purple Heart!”

The group of mares, plus Spike, jerked to attention. “WHAT?!” they chorused.

“How’d you find him?!” Twilight demanded.

“Where was he?!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“Was it hard?” Fluttershy asked.

“What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?” Just Duty inquired calmly.

The mares blinked at the older stallion in confusion. “Huh?” Pinkie asked, cocking her head.

“Now that you’re all quiet, why don’t you ask your questions one at a time?” the Paladin suggested. “That way we’ll actually get an answer.”

“Sorry,” Rainbow and Fluttershy apologized.

“Where did you find him?” Rarity asked. “Not lurking around some swamp or otherwise inhospitable establishment?”

“We found him in Canterlot,” Applejack said. “He was at a party being held by Casus Belli, a-”

“Retired guard pony, I’ve heard of him,” Twilight interrupted. “What was he doing at a party at the Belli estate?”

“He managed to get into that show y’all were gettin’ bent outta shape about,” Applejack replied. “MacHawk or somethin’ like that.”

“And he’s in the bag...” Rarity trailed off. “Why?”

“He kept fighting back on the way,” Pinkie explained.

“And he wouldn’t fit in Pinkie’s hair,” Applejack elaborated.

“Aah. I see.”

Just Duty stepped over to Pinkie and Applejack and nudged the sack. “Why don’t we let him out and ask him a few questions? I think he’ll prefer being open to the air.”

“Good idea,” Pinkie concurred, yanking on the sack’s drawstring. Purple Heart tumbled out of the sack, gasping for breath.

“That,” he panted, “was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced!” He turned to his assailants. “What in Equestria was that for?!”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Twilight replied, expending incredible effort to drag herself off her chair and onto her hooves. “Running off like that? Do you know what you started?” She shook her head as she approached the purple pony. “No, that’s not fair. But still, running away just to headline a play being run by Discord? I’m amazed you stayed out of the paper at all.” She came to a stop, somehow managing to loom over the larger colt. “So, whose ‘strings’ did you have to pull to make that happen?”

Purple Heart stared up at the Princess of Friendship, and the decidedly unfriendly look in her eyes. He tried to swallow in a dry throat, fruitlessly licked his lips, and tried again. Eventually, he met her eyes. “What the absolute buck are you on about?”

“Don’t play coy now,” Twilight snapped back. “Or at least don’t insult me by pretending you didn’t get my little reference. I spent way too much time dealing with you three to get zero credit for that one. You’ve got some kind of magic that no Earth Pony has ever used, you used it to break a powerful magical item that was for your own protection, and then you somehow got wrapped up with the literal God of Chaos? You’d have to be more of an idiot than usual to think I wouldn’t…” She trailed off, looking deep into Purple Heart’s eyes. “More of an idiot,” she repeated.

Then, she slapped her forehoof onto her face. “Oh for the love of Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and me. You’re the wrong Purple Heart.”

Applejack blinked. “What?”

“Did he make a single quip while you two were bringing him here?” Twilight asked. “A single reference to something we wouldn’t get? Any demands about his last meal being sushi, for example?”

The two Earth Pony mares shared a glance. Applejack frowned. “Uhh…”

“What makes you think he’s the wrong Purple Bruise?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight pointed a forehoof at the increasingly incredulous stallion. “Because he hasn’t said anything to tick me off yet.”

“Ah.” Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“I don’t know what the Hades has gotten into you ponies, but you’ve obviously got the wrong colt,” Purple Heart said, glaring at the mares. “Sure, I may make references and like sushi a bit too much, but that doesn’t mean you can stuff me in a sack and drag me to a Princess of all things just because I was in a play.” He turned his gaze to Twilight. “Look, I get it. This production of MacHawk wasn’t the best. I should know! I’ve been in several! I don’t know what Discord was thinking with all the costuming and set pieces. I’m just an actor! I just gotta play the part to the best of my ability!” The purple colt heaved a heavy sigh. “Whatever colt you’re looking for, I hope he’s more understanding than I am, cos this is bucking ridiculous.”

He turned and took several steps towards the door only to pause and look over his shoulder. “I can leave, can’t I? Or am I gonna be held here any longer? Cos if that’s the case, I gotta let Violet know I’ll be home late.”

“We’ll make sure you can inform Violet, but since you’re here anyway and, assuming by the mixup that you appear to be a spitting image of the pony we are looking for, maybe you can tell us if you’d encountered another pony like yourself?” Just Duty asked, finally stepping into the conversation by blocking the door.

“That look exactly like me?” Purple Heart asked, looking at the stallion. “No, there are several I know who are similar but none that could really be mistaken for myself.”

Just Duty shrugged. “Either the pony isn’t there or is likely operating in disguise,” Paladin Duty frowned and looked at Spike who appeared to be in thought. “You don’t suppose it’s similar to Issue 567: Hidden to the Right?”

“Where the Tasker Master hides by leading the Paladins to a visual lookalike and then disguising themself when they go after the doppleganger?” Spike replied. “Yeah, I was thinking about that. But from what I’ve heard about Purple Heart, the Purple Heart we’re looking for,” the dragon amended at the look he got from the purple stallion in the room, “it doesn’t really sound like him. He’s always sounded to be more of a ‘punch it until it’s not a problem anymore’ kind of pony.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Rainbow chimed in.

“Still, it wouldn’t hurt,” Just Duty mused. “I don’t suppose you could give us a bit of a rundown on the ponies you’ve been working with in the play? Maybe focus on the ones you don’t know. But first, would you like to send that letter to Violet?.”

Purple Heart squinted at the Paladin for a few seconds then rolled his eyes over to Spike. “Would you please write a quick letter to Violet Heart in Snohomare?” he asked.

The small dragon frowned, folding his claws over his chest. “How do you know I can send letters with fire?”

Purple Heart perked up. “I didn’t, but is sending a letter via fire instantaneous?”

“Yeeeees?” Spike said slowly.

“Perfect!” the purple earth pony crowed. “Please send a letter to Violet Heart of Snohomare reading, I will be staying over with the cast tonight. Lock the doors and windows, there’s leftovers in the fridge, and be in bed by nine. Love, Purple. Got that?”

Spike cast a look at Twilight. The mare nodded assent. Spike pulled out a scroll and started writing.

“Now,” Just Duty rapped a hoof on the floor for attention, “were there any ponies in the production team for MacHawk that you didn’t recognize?”

“Yup.”

“...Would you care to elaborate?”

Purple Heart sighed. “I didn’t know the ponies playing Dunclaw, Featherbane, MacGruff, Roc, Porter, Medic-”

“Uhm, what about-”

“-half the crew, most of costuming, lighting-”

“That’s nice. Could you narr-”

“-catering, stage manager, director, or the assistant producer,” Purple Heart finished. He looked around at the stunned ponies. “What?”

“You don’t know any of those ponies?” Rarity asked, eyes wide with surprise.

“Well, yeh,” Purple Heart replied. “We didn’t use a solely local crew, so I didn’t know everypony.”

Rarity blinked slowly, then turned her attention to Twilight. “I simply cannot believe it.”

“That Purple Heart would work with that many ponies at once?” Twilight asked.

Rarity shook her head. “That it was possible for there to be a version of Purple Heart that was even more useless to us than the one we’re used to.”

Purple Heart stared at the unicorn. “Hey now…”

“That is to say,” Rarity continued, “that the thought of there being a Purple Heart with such a thick skull that it overshadowed his flair for overdramatic brooding and bliant bluntness-”

“I appreciate the alliteration but-”

“AND YET.” Rarity talked over the large stallion as if he wasn’t even there, earning a huff of indignation from him. “And yet, this faint shadow of our own Purple Heart somehow manages to play the role of boisterous buffoon and empty-headed ruffian to a ‘T’! As if he were born to play the role of mediocre irritation that was left by-

“ALRIGHT.” Purple Heart stomped a hoof with enough force to cause the other ponies in the room to jump. “First you accost me in the middle of a party, then you ponynap me and drag me across Equestria, and now I’m being assaulted by a barrage of insults against my character by way of comparison to another fictional version of me? I have a limit, lady, and it stops at this… this…” He huffed, waving a forehoof as he searched for the right set of words. “...Sound and fury, signifying bugger all!”

Rarity shot a smirk at Twilight before turning back. “Then why not prove me wrong by telling me something about some pony you do know on the cast? Surely, you must know at least one other pony in the production?”

Purple Heart nodded aggressively. “Purple Patches,” he proclaimed. “The very pony who recruited me for the Shudderstick play. The one who your friends,” he shot a withering glare at Applejack and Pinkie Pie, which by and large went unnoticed by the two Earth Ponies, “pulled me away from when they PONYNAPPED ME.” He shot another, less restrained glare at the two mares, earning him a glance from under the hat of one, and a friendly wave from the other.

“And, if anything, can you tell me about this… trusty Patches of yours?”

Purple Heart squinted one eye and cocked his head, peering up at the ceiling in thought.

“There’s really not much to say,” he sighed. “I didn’t see much of him outside of the final few weeks of production before Opening Night and my initial meeting where we… sorta interviewed Discord.”

“You were there when Discord was interviewed?!” Twilight gaped.

Purple Heart nodded. “Bleep carping appeared between us while we were on our way to the theater,” he said. “Scared the living daylights out of me. What confused me was the fact that Discord knew me by name.”

“...what?” The collection of mares shared wide-eyed looks.

“He knew you by name?” Paladin Duty echoed, trying to get the conversation back on track before it derailed itself.

“Yeah,” Purple Heart confirmed. “Asked me if I was having any villainous urges after monologuing about a snooping colt named Wits End. He even conjured an image of the poor bugger. Must’ve been that colt that writes reviews or something, cos Purple Patches recognized him too...” He trailed off, thinking back to that unusual exchange.

“Hang on a minute.” Applejack walked around to stand in front of Purple Heart. “That Patches fella ‘conjured’ an image of Wits? Wasn’t he an Earth Pony? We Earth Ponies ain’t exactly known for conjurin’.”

Purple Heart thought for a moment, then shrugged. “I suppose. Maybe he was some kind of… Conjure Pony?”

“Or,” Twilight said, “he’s a pony with abilities we haven’t seen before.” She thought for a moment, then shot a look at Paladin Duty. “Or maybe abilities that we have seen before.”

Duty shared a similar look with Spike. “Issue 163,” he said with a nod.

“The introduction of the Tasker Master?” Spike asked. “But that one was panned because the look-alike just happened to look like the- Ohhhhhh.”

Just Duty smiled and turned to Purple Heart. “It seems like we’ll need you to stick around for a while so we can ask about this Purple Patches. It is, by all accounts, very important.”

“You’re welcome for getting us on track,” Rarity hummed, fluffing her mane with a smirk.

Purple Heart turned on the fashionista with glacial slowness. “Hang on… Were you egging me on so I’d talk about Patches?” The mare nodded, and he raised an eyebrow. “And where did you learn to act?”

Rarity brushed a few strands of hair back into place. “Suffice it to say that I have studied the ways of the Epona Ruh.”

Purple Heart breathed in sharply through his nose, raised a hoof, and leveled it on Rarity with a look of indignation. “Fffffffffine.”

Just Duty moved Purple Heart to a small side table in the room and sat him down at it. “Take some time and review what you know and remember about Purple Patches. I can get you a quill and ink if you need it.” After a couple more minutes, he moved back to the table, and then looked at Applejack and Pinkie Pie. “I should probably chastise the two of you for ponynapping-”

“Ah. Well, Ah guess that's not exactly a thin’ a respectable pony should do,” Applejack admitted. Just Duty sighed.

“That was incredibly sloppy work. You didn’t even take the time to confirm it was the right target. Amateur move. It could have resulted in me having to use the Forget Me Stick again.”

“The what?” Purple Heart asked from his seat.

“Don’t worry, it's just a magical item that confuses your memories of the last few minutes to days.” Just Duty replied, earning a variety of looks from the ponies and dragon present.

“It’s not magical, is it?” Pinkie guessed.

“Blunt force trauma is a magical thing when applied correctly,” Just Duty replied. “In any case, I’ll leave you two off with a warning since you did manage to get us a lead on one of the three colts we’re looking for. I don’t suppose you have any other leads? Miss Rarity you sounde-”

“Not now, darling,” Rarity interrupted, focusing on her sketch pad. “I just had a marvelous idea for an ensemble that would just look positively marvelous in rojo.”

Twilight tilted her head. “What color is rojo?”

“I’m not sure, but if I had to guess, it’s likely red. If Light Patch is still stuck on that suit he wants me to make...” Rarity said as she continued sketching.

“Why do you think Light Patch is trying to make you make this outfit? Why are you sure it isn’t some flash of artistic inspiration or an idea from that muse pony you keep talking about?” Rainbow asked.

“A muse, darling. Not a pony named Muse, it's a- Nevermind, I’ll explain that later. In any case, it’s mostly because I also keep hearing a tune in my head with the idea of the ensemble. It just feels like a reference to something I don’t understand. Something all three of the colts seemed fond of truthfully,” she said, earning groans from around the table.

“And why’s he doing all of that again?” Twilight asked, no longer draped across the map table but still holding onto the giant book Rarity had brought in.

“I can’t say for certain, but I suspect he’s afraid he’s tipped his hoof a little too far and shown more of his cards than he meant to. Or he wants me to think he has,” the white unicorn said, flipping her sketchpad upside down.

“So what cards has he shown?”

“I suspect I know where he is and what he’s looking for.”

“...And?”

“Sorry, I had to finish with these pleats. If he’s going to mess with my inspiration, I’m going to mess with his references,” she said, drawing feathers on the coat. “He’s somewhere in the Frozen North beyond the Crystal Empire looking for an ‘artifact of power’ if the information he accidentally leaked to me is true.

“And what artifact do you believe he’s after?” Twilight asked.

“The only one that, according to the ‘Unabridged History of Magical Artifacts’, is known to have been made and lost up there.”

“Oh... Oh no,” Just Duty muttered, putting a hoof to his head to rub his forehead.

“What? What artifact?” Twilight asked, having already opened the book to search for herself.

“The Orb of Glacious. A weapon made sometime before Discord’s reign to help win a war. It was used to kill everypony present at the one battlefield it was used. The survivor tossed the Orb into a crevice in a glacier. After that, I guess everypony forgot about it. You know, we ponies aren’t very good at not letting artifacts of power drift around where just any old megalomaniac can find them,” Rarity regaled. Her sketching stopped and she looked at her diagrams for a brief moment. Then she ripped it out of her sketchbook with her magic, crumpled it up, and tossed it aside. “In any case, I did mention that this could all very well be a set up and he just wants to watch us waste our time up there.”

“There is no way that the Orb is still up there! Celestia and Luna would have collected it in their quest to defeat Discord and kept it safe in some ‘Super Secret Artifact of Doom’ safe room!” Twilight said, trying to reassure herself.

“That is what they would ‘officially’ like you to think,” Just Duty interjected, earning a face hoof from Twilight.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Oh, yeah, this artifact of incredible power and danger is the one they would keep safe. As opposed to all of the other artifacts we’ve had to deal with that were just laying around in the corner store.”

“Okay, so he’s hunting for basically a doomsday art-”

“I’d hardly call it a doomsday artifact. It only wiped out the ponies in a finite radius around it,” Rarity replied.

“An artifact of immense danger then. Do you know why? He told us he was a neutral observer, remember?”

“And he’s hardly been just an observer or neutral, has he?! Maybe he just wants to poke things so that it’s like the show for him. He did say he wanted to be entertained, didn’t he? I wouldn’t put it past him to poke things into action or try to make us waste our time so the plan’s his friends are working on can progress further,” Rarity suggested.

“His friends, huh?” Twilight mused. “Fluttershy, you said you thought Wits was finally evil. What made you think that?”

Fluttershy seemed to wilt in her seat. “Well, I don’t want to speak poorly of him when he’s not here to defend himself…”

“Fluttershy, at this point, I’m ready to speak poorly of him to his face the next time I see him. And I’ll use some very choice words that I wouldn’t repeat in front of Spike.”

“Hey!” Spike huffed. “I’m not a kid, you know!” He turned back to his comic, studying it with great intensity.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy, and the pegasus sighed. “I met with a deer in Midton named Mellroch. According to him, he met Wits once before. Back when we were looking for the colts before, remember?”

“Sure,” Twilight said with a nod. “What about it?”

“Well, the reason I was called up to Midton is because there was a Misplacer Beast loose up there. It turned out she was searching for her cub, who was originally taken by Changelings, but then…” Fluttershy hesitated. “It sounded like Wits End took the cub after that.”

“What would Wits want with a Misplacer Beast cub?” Twilight asked, then she frowned. “And more importantly, what was he doing around Changelings in the first place?”

Fluttershy nodded. “That’s what I was wondering too. And Mellroch said that a pony by Wits’ description was talking to the batponies up in the Undiscovered West. Trying to get them to join his… well, his Evil League of Evil.”

“That sounds like Wits,” Rainbow Dash cut in. “Subtle like a bolt of lightning through the bedroom window.”

“That got me thinking,” Fluttershy continued. “Well, at least it did when we were heading back to Midton. Wits has been taking a lot of stuff since he left, right? First that Diamond Dog’s artifact, then the copy of Discord’s adventure, and now a Misplacer Beast. And he was talking to Luna and Sunset about being a villain, right? Well…” She trailed off, looking down at the table.

“You think he’s planning something?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, no, I’m certain that he’s planning something. Wits wouldn’t be Wits if he wasn’t planning something. But, I think he might have done some… research?” Fluttershy thought for a moment. “If he talked to any of the other ponies we defeated, he might be trying to figure out how to beat us, right? And he’s gathering allies in the batponies, or at least trying to.”

Spike scoffed, putting down his comic. “From what Twilight told me, it sounds like the worst this Wits End guy would do is minorly inconvenience a small village before he managed to take himself down.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I… don’t think so. Twilight, you weren’t with him when he was trying to take down Holdfast back in Discord’s game. He...” She fell silent again as she gathered her thoughts. “I think that, if Wits is doing this much work, he’s putting his full effort into being a bad guy. Even if he doesn’t try to destroy the world-”

“It could keep us busy while the other two do something just as bad,” Twilight finished. “Or the other two could keep us busy while Wits builds up momentum.” She sighed. “I still don’t understand what it is about those things he took that’s important. On their own, only the Diamond Dog artifact is dangerous.”

“Maybe it’s not the items on their own that’s dangerous?” Spike offered. He looked down to find a new comic to study and when he looked back up, he found the rest of the ponies staring at him. “What? It’s basically Villain 101, based on comic books! You gather up a bunch of seemingly harmless items, and then you stick them together into a weapon of incredible cosmic power!”

“And what could he do with a Misplacer Beast, a book of adventures, and a helmet that shoots dark magic lasers?” Twilight asked.

Spike tapped his chin with a claw as he thought. “Build a laser that makes you lose your place in your book when you get hit?”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “That’s ridiculous.”

“No no,” Twilight held out a hoof. “He’s got a point. That’s pretty dastardly and completely in character for Wits. He told me before he left that he was a bad guy because I was treating him like one. If he sees me as the reason to be a villain, he might just be building something to deal with me exclusively.”

Spike gasped. “You’re his origin story! I’ve never been part of a villain’s origin story before!”

“Trust me, it’s not nearly as fun as it sounds,” Just Duty grunted.

* * *

“Since when did Equestria have a senate?” Purple Heart muttered, eyeing the partially sculpted dome of marble and terracotta with a contemplative frown. He turned his head to the castle anchored to the edge of the cliff face in the distance. “The monarchy has been unopposed for nigh a millenia. Don’t tell me the public demanded a voice in the government?” The purple and green earth pony looked back to the unfinished senate building. With a shrug, he stepped off the cloud and plummeted towards the city. Threads flashed out before him and struck the ground long before he reached it, slowing his descent as the threads stiffened and flexed forward to place him just outside the walls of Canterlot.

“Hmm, this may actually work to my advantage,” he pondered as he strode into the city with the rest of the countless tourists, ponies on holiday, and locals. “It's alot easier to convince a mob to your way of thinking compared to an individual. Maybe I’ll pull a Palpatine. That would be fun...” An easy grin made its way onto his face as he walked over to a ‘Porting Station off the street, using his strings to pilfer some coins from passersby as he went.

“Hello,” the unicorn on duty greeted. “Where to, sir?”

“The new senate building please,” Purple Heart replied.

“That’ll be 15 bits.”

“When did Equestria get a senate?” Purple Heart asked as he pulled out several denominations of bits and sorted through them for the requisite fare. “Is the monarchy not good enough anymore?” He pushed several coins across the counter.

The unicorn shrugged, sweeping the coins into the till that popped open. “Hay if I know,” she replied. “Princess Twilight Sparkle came up with the idea. Some ponies got together and asked for some communal summit and she went with the idea whole hog. She figured Princess Celestia and Princess Luna would appreciate fewer personal audiences to go through. Makes the petition system a bit more automated.”

Purple Heart grimaced. “As if automating a system ever made something better,” he sighed.

“Right?” the unicorn agreed.

A ticket popped up from the register till and the unicorn plucked it up with a hoof and passed it to Purple Heart. “Port Pad number four. Have a great day, sir.”

“Thank you,” Purple Heart replied, taking the ticket and walking over to the properly numbered pad. Passing his ticket to the technician, he then stepped onto the pad, tensing for a brief moment as he was brought from one pad to another. Stepping off the pad, he shook the static electricity from his limbs and mane and strode to the senate building’s main door.

As he walked in, he listened to the pockets of conversation bubbling around him. From what he could gather, the senate was still relatively new and had yet to receive all its members from across Equestria. The plumbing hadn’t been installed yet, meaning the latrines in the other buildings on the block were always in use. A new bill was in the works to be proposed to the Princesses. The number of comfortable chairs was fewer than the number of actual senators, therefore requiring the usage of metal folding seats. Somehow, the Hooffields and McColts had both sent a member of each family to vy for senator of their district. The senators from the Pony North West, the Tri-City Coast, and the Badlands had not been chosen.

A smile stretched Purple Heart’s face and he turned to the reception desk, one of the only finished facets of the senate lobby. The colt sitting behind the desk looked up at his approach.

“Can I help you, sir?” the colt asked.

Purple Heart nodded. “I’m the new Senator for the Pony North West, Baelhart,” he said candidly.

The colt perked up. “Aha. Right. Papers, please.” He held out an expectant hoof.

Purple Heart blinked. “Papers? You mean I need to give you a passport, entry permit, work pass, license, and some other stuff as well as consent to a full body scan?” the purple colt asked.

The desk colt blinked in response. “Nooooo?” he elongated the vowel. “I just need to see your identification.”

“Oh,” Purple Heart coughed. “You mean I don’t have to wait at the Department of Licensing for nine hours?”

“...Nooooo?”

“Huh. In that case-” a green thread attached to the colt’s forehead, “-you don’t need to see my identification.” Immediately, the colt’s eyes went blank.

“I… don’t need to see your identification,” he intoned flatly.

“I can go about my business.”

“You can go about your business.” The colt shifted his blank stare to his desk.

“You’ll finish the paperwork to recognize me as Senator of the Pony North West. Move along.”

“I’ll just finish the paperwork recognizing you as Senator Baelhart of the Pony North West.” The colt pulled out a passcard attached to a lanyard. “Move along, sir,” he said tonelessly. Purple Heart slung the lanyard around his neck and strode off toward the senate chamber, leaving the colt behind him questioning his life choices.

The doors to the senate chamber were open to the public when Purple Heart reached them. He stepped inside the vast room and looked around. About two thirds of the seats were full while the platform at the center was empty, save for a pair of lecterns facing each other. He noted the number of metal folding chairs outnumbered the comfortable seats by far. A small chuckle escaped him as he slid behind the desk marked for the senator from the PNW. As he settled onto the metal chair, the doors closed. A mare dressed in an impeccable suit stepped onto the platform and cleared her throat.

“Greetings to all of you that managed to make it to the Fifth Session of the Public Equestra Senate,” the mare said, her voice effortlessly reaching the far edges of the room. “I’m Madam Speaker Top Class. Before we begin, I shall take the register of our attendees.” Adjusting the glasses on the bridge of her nose, Top Class started listing names. It seemed that most of the members of the senate were in attendance, save for a score or so.

“With that out of the way, we can- Yes?” Madam Class looked over the rim of her glasses at Purple Heart’s raised hoof.

“You didn’t call my name, Madam Speaker,” Purple Heart said.

Top Class frowned and peered down at her papers. “I do not have anypony listed as any of the senators for the Pony North West, Mister...” She looked up at Purple Heart again. “What is your name?”

“Baelhart,” he replied. He lifted his lanyard for the mare to see. “Just got my identification and paperwork done today. It's been a bit of a pickle in the North West, what with the-” He paused, looked around at the other senators, and coughed lightly. “-play that Discord infamously directed bringing up questionable themes and topics to the public.” Many of the senators present hummed and hawed to themselves.

Top Class frowned again. “I’ve yet to receive any paperwork confirming your confirmation as a senator,” she said archly, looking questioningly at the purple earth pony.

Purple Heart tried to swallow subtly and hold the mare’s steely gaze. “I’m sure it’ll show up.” He swallowed audibly. “Soon, I hope.”

Beat.

Purple Heart coughed again.

Beat.

Purple Heart licked his lips and flicked a glance at the doors to the chamber.

Beat.

They remained sealed shut.

Madam Top Class pursed her lips. “Unfortunately, as I have no confirmation of your confirmation as a senator, I am going to have to ask you to leave the senate chamber, Mister Baelhart,” the gold mare declared. “A guard will be summoned to escort you from the build-”

The doors opened and a pony rushed into the chamber, papers fluttering in their teeth as they barreled down the aisle to where Top Class stood. Upon reaching the podium, the pony gave the papers to Madam Class and started a whispered conversation with the mare. The rest of the chamber broke out into their own hushed discussions as the clerk explained themselves to Top Class. The whispers ceased when the clerk turned and ran back up the aisle and out of the chamber, letting the double doors swing shut behind them.

Top Class turned to address Purple Heart. “It appears that the paperwork confirming your identity and position as a senator of the Pony North West has just been processed,” the mare stated. “Therefore, I must ask if Senator Baelhart of the Pony North West is in attendance?”

Purple Heart grinned weakly. “Aye,” he called, settling back in his chair and trying not to sag in relief.

Top Class gave a decisive nod and looked around at the assembly. “Our first topic for the day regards the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony,” she said. Whispers broke out once again amongst the senators. “For some time now, there has been a gradual, but noticeable dip in the number of cases addressed by the Elements of Harmony. For years, the Elements have been one of our bulwarks against those that would seek to destabilize our country. They have committed their lives to helping the ponies of our nation, regardless of class, race, or social standing.”

Top Class paused and gave a sigh of irritation. “Therefore, I find myself asking ‘what are the Elements doing now?’ Over the past few months, there have been more incidents of unexplainable or abnormal phenomena across Equestria: there are rumors of a Displacer Beast near the Undiscovered West. A farm to the north was ransacked by two separate bandit groups and have remained unpunished since. Rumors of a bat pony rebellion under a being named Mellroch in the Undiscovered West have gone unconfirmed. Several towns in the Frozen Wastes beyond the Crystal Empire have been taken over by mercenaries for unknown purposes.

“Chrysalis has been spotted moving against the Crystal Empire for unknown reasons. A local colony of Diamond Dogs has been lobbying for the return of one of their sacred artifacts that was stolen recently. A number of mining crews have been reported missing and presumed ponynapped for unknown purposes. A play featuring regalia and iconography similar to the current monarchs of Equestria has left the populace questioning the possibility of a coup.”

Madam Class looked around at the dumbstruck faces around her. “While all this has been happening, it appears that the Elements of Harmony have been chasing three colts across Equestria for unknown reasons. I believe that measures must be taken in light of current events.” She paused for a moment to let her words sink into her listeners. “Are there any suggestions?”

Silence met her question as the senators refused to meet Top Class’ gaze.

Purple Heart resisted the urge to laugh as he stood and walked down to the dais. “If I may, Madam Speaker?” he asked, gesturing to the podium. Top Class balked for a split second, then nodded acquiescence, yielding the floor to Purple Heart.

The purple and green earth pony looked around the chamber for a moment. “My fellow senators,” he boomed, restraining the urge to grin as several ponies recoiled at his volume. “I understand your reticence at questioning the actions and reasoning of such upstanding ponies as those bearing the Elements of Harmony. However, this rogue, single-minded behavior cannot be allowed in ponies of such high ranking and repute.”

“But the Princesses always do what’s best for Equestria!” a voice called out.

Purple Heart blinked and looked around, searching for the speaker. With a sigh, he rubbed his eyes with a hoof and leaned on the podium.

“If that were the case, then why have Princesses Luna and Celestia allowed the Elements to run across Equestria on this mad search of theirs?” Purple Heart inquired, locking eyes with as many senators as he could. None of them held his gaze for long.

“Because one of the Bearers is Princess Twilight herself!” a voice called from behind him. Purple Heart whirled around, eyes narrowing at the senators doing their best to look innocent.

A growl bubbled up from his chest and he looked at Top Class. “If the senators here are so enamored with the Princesses, how did a senate get formed in the first place?”

Top Class shrugged. “Enough ponies sent representatives to Canterlot to badger the Princesses for one,” she replied. “Mostly the youth.”

“Ah. Good on the young’uns for standing up for something they want,” Purple Heart sighed. He turned back at the chamber at large. “My purpose here is to propose legislation that will keep the Elements of Harmony in check. They’re supposed to protect Equestria from threats that martial or traditional approaches won’t solve. They aren’t allowed to run rampant across the nation on their silly ‘Friendship Crusade’ and they certainly aren’t allowed to utilize government resources to do so.”

One senator, his nameplate marking him as the representative for Appleloosa, scoffed loudly. “You want to put the six most important ponies, aside from our Princesses, on a leash? Because they left some rumors and minor threats for the locals to investigate first? If I called the Elements of Harmony everytime a Buffalo sneezed on my land, they’d never have time to practice their little friendship lessons.”

“Not on a leash per say,” Purple Heart replied, turning to the representative. “I propose the enactment of a regulatory panel that will decide whether or not the Elements of Harmony are required to address a situation. Approaching a town of unfriendly ponies to bring them to the Light of Friendship: yes. Chasing some poor colts across the country for unknown reasons and without oversight: no. Ideally, there will be ponies stationed in each represented part of Equestria to ascertain the validity of any calls for assistance.” He smiled. “Unless the buffalo was firing a warhead, I don’t think the Elements would even know it sneezed.”

“And who exactly gets to be on this panel?” the senator from Manehattan asked, her eyes narrowing as she weighed the potential pros and cons. “Hamstringing the Elements by bringing every issue to a committee would be just as bad as giving them free reign.” Her eyes narrowed further. “And with too few ponies, all it would take is a few of those Changelings you mentioned to upset the whole process.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “I dunno,” he said blandly. “This is a senate. I believe a system ranking the level of concern should be applied to every situation to decide if the solution is a kiss and a band-aid or rousing the Elements.”

The mare blinked. “You’re rather nonchalant about this, aren’t you?”

Purple Heart shrugged again, leaning on the lectern as threads invisible to the naked eye snaked down his body and slid along the floor, connecting to each senator present. “I’m just a concerned citizen bringing up a concern I have about the current state of affairs in the country,” he explained. “If we don’t question the reason the Elements of Harmony are running amok across Equestria, then I frankly don’t know what to tell you all.”

Purple Heart glared at the senators at large and held his forelegs out to either side of him. “This is why I offered to come here to be a part of this. And I’m trying to do my part as a member of society. Here’s a solution for a problem we have. But, if you don’t think it's a problem, then I suppose I can die knowing we're the laughing stock of the world.”

Cloudsdale’s senator slammed his hooves on his desk, wings flaring angrily. “Maybe you yuppies in the northwest haven’t noticed, what with your avocados and espressos, but Equestria’s saved the world thanks to those girls at least a dozen times. What’d we get out of being able to tell them what to do that we don’t have now, aside from even more funds spent on another do-nothing government council?”

“Control,” Purple Heart said promptly, his threads snapping taut. The chamber filled with murmurs and he arched an eyebrow. “I take it you all remember, if not know, of what happened to Princess Luna all those years ago?” He looked around at the ponies, seeing and hearing their acknowledgement. “There is a saying that we ‘yuppies in the northwest’ have. ‘Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely’. What is to stop the Elements from taking over Equestria? You’ve all seen or at the very least heard of the play MacHawk that was performed just recently? Granted, it was put together by Discord, but you can’t help but question, ‘Is it possible? Could our Princesses really possess the capacity for tyranny’? We know one was. What’s to stop another?”

Purple Heart eyed the pegasus from Cloudsdale. “In order to ensure the security and continuing stability of Equestria, we should organize a panel of ponies to police the Elements of Harmony to maintain a safe and secure society.” The dozens of threads pulsed once.

Silence.

Beat.

Beat.

Applause.

Senators jumped to their hooves and stamped out applause for Purple Heart’s proposal. The chamber rang and shook with shouts of agreement and Baelhart looked around with a small grin on his face.

“And this is how the Elements are inhibited,” he muttered. “With thunderous, fearful applause.”

Comments

[Mix-up]

Nice to see they have started to caught on. Looks like bale is starting to really take over Purple heart, I wonder how it will finally spill over.