My Crazy Ex

by 23 KM To Nerdiness

Timber Spruce

[DAY 1]

I'm Scribble Pen, pegasus mare.

I'm an interior designer. And I like to use plants when I'm putting the finishing touches on a space. I was so sick of the same old stuff you find at those massive hardware stores. So when I found a small nursery close to my office, I thought I'd try my luck there. That's how I met Timber Spruce, the owner.

"You look like you could use some help." he said warmly.

"I'm looking for a variety of flowering plants that have really bright colors." I nodded.

"My first thought is a nice orchid, lots of colors, really beautiful. But, they do need alot of attention, so how are you at taking care of plants?"

"Mm.......fine."

"Are you sure about that? 'Cause I'm sensing alot of dead ferns in your past, I don't know."

"Very funny. Okay, I'm not that great. But they're for a client, actually. He's a little absentminded, so..."

"Succulents it is." Timber shrugged. "They're nearly impossible to kill, even for a non-green hoof like yourself."

"Hey..."

"I'm kidding, come on.

He was cute. I could tell plants were a passion for him.

"These are our selection of bromeliads, and the colors as you can see, they're really bright."

"Yeah, they're beautiful." I stated.

In five minutes, he picked out exactly what I was looking for. I thought that was gonna be the end of that, but then he did something......unexpected.

"Hey, maybe we could get together sometime soon." Timber said. "Just so I can see how the plants are getting along and to......make sure that you like them."

He did his version of flirting.

"You wanna check up on the plants?"

"Yeah, well......and also maybe see you again, too."

He was a little on the geeky side, but I kinda liked it. He just seemed like this really nice, sort of innocent guy.

"Tell you what," I said, writing on a note. "If you're still concerned about the well being of your succulents, my address is on the back."

"G-Great, uh......guess I'll see ya, then."

"I hope so."

Sure, Timber wasn't necessarily my usual type, but I thought he'd be fun and different. He was definitely, DEFINITELY different...

[DAY 17]

By that point, Timber Spruce and I had already gone out on a couple of dates. Yes, he was a little eccentric, but he was sweet and genuine.

"You know, I've always wanted to build this really special greenhouse, like, this VIP one." he said.

"For Very Important Plants?"

"Yeah. See, ponies forget that plants are living organisms, and just like us, if you put them in the right environment, they thrive."

"Cheers to that."

I liked everything about him. However, there was just one problem:

Up until that point, he hadn't made a move...

So I decided to.

"Come with me." I purred.

Our first time was a little awkward.

Okay, VERY awkward.

[DAY 18]

"No. You. Didn't."

"We did."

"With the plant guy?"

"He's a horticulturist."

I knew I was gonna get crap from Lilac Links, about Timber. But, she's my bestie. I tell her everything.

"It was really......sweet." I nodded.

"Sweet?" Lilac scoffed. "Oh, no."

"N-No, not bad, but if I had to guess, I would say it was his first time."

"Wait, what? How old is this guy?"

".......24."

"Ha! A hot 24-year-old virgin?"

"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, IF he was."

The truth is I didn't care if I was his first or not. I really liked Timber.

"You should ask him." Lilac said.

"Can't just ASK him." I snickered.

"Sure you can."

But I did hope it'd get a little better.

[DAY 24]

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see." Timber hummed.

"You better not be a serial killer."

"If I was, I would say that you're already screwed, huh? Alright, stand right......here. Ready?"

"Uh huh."

"Ta-da."

It was definitely the most romantic thing a guy had ever done for me. I've never seen a more beautiful greenhouse glowing with light, flowers and a candlelit dinner.

"You like it?"

"I love it."

And I could tell he put alot of thought into it. Later, we decided it was time for round two. Right there in the middle of the nursery. He was......a lot more comfortable this time.

"Definitely better." I giggled. "Where did YOU come from?"

"I don't know, I'm just a lot less nervous nervous than the other night." Timber sighs. "What with it being the first time and all."

"Was it your......your first time?"

"No, I meant OUR first time."

"..."

"...wait a second. You thought that was my first time? Like, like, my VERY first time?"

I didn't know what to say...

"No...?"

So I lied.

"It was pretty bad, though, huh?" he chuckled.

"You seemed nervous."

"I was. It's just been awhile."

I felt bad for judging him our first time. He obviously just put away too much pressure on himself, and just when I thought our relationship was gonna move on to the next level, suddenly things got odd.

KNOCK KNOCK!!!

"There's a guy out there."

"Oh, it's just a customer." Timber shrugged.

"NOW?"

"Yeah, he was supposed to come a lot earlier."

It was 11:00 at night. I was like "Can't this wait?"

"Please tell me you have it?" the stranger uttered.

"Shh." Timber whispered. "You gotta be quiet, alright?"

This 'customer' looked kinda desperate and jumpy. We went from this amazing date to me watching some kinda late night plant sale. A bag of bits? A brown paper bag? The whole thing was beyond shady.

"What was that?" I asked.

"That was an exotic plant order, and he's one of my best customers, so..."

"Yeah, but 11:00 at night? Don't you think that's weird?"

"Well, when ya gotta have it, ya gotta have it."

It was definitely strange, but then I thought "Okay, I can live with one strange night."

Unfortunately, it didn't end there.

[DAY 27]

A few days later, I met Timber back at the nursery. I had asked him to put some plants aside for another client of mine. I hadn't thought about it before, but I realized that every time I had been at the nursery, there were hardly any customers.

I wondered how he paid the bills.

"Had plenty of time to put your order together." he stated. "Lemme go find some tape."

A while after he took off-

"Oh, Tim, I found some-"

And that's when I found a map of a nearby forest not so discreetly covered on his desk. It had a small area circled with coordinates, and at the top, it said "Mary J."

It had been awhile since I had heard that term, but everypony knows what "Mary J." stands for...

He had no business. He was handling paper bags off to strange customers in the middle of the night. In my mind, it was pretty clear what Timber was doing.

[DAY 28]

The next day, I told Lilac about what I knew.

"How did this go from being a virgin to selling weed?" she asked.

"The map with the circle and coordinates, it's the location of where he's growing." I stated. "The paper even said 'Mary J.' at the top."

"Who the buck says 'Mary Jane' anymore?"

"Well, you haven't met Timber."

"Whatcha gonna do?"

"Before I do anything, I gotta know for sure."

I remembered the coordinates, so I punched them on my Global Pony System (GPS), and Lilac and I started tracking our way to the spot on Timber's map.

"Are we there yet?" Lilac whines.

"Almost." I said. "We're getting close. I have a bad feeling about this."

"It's just weed."

"I hope I'm wrong."

"Yeah, but if you're right, it could be a really good hookup."

"Ohhhhhh..."

"Do you hear that?" I uttered.

"What the hell is that?" Lilac grunts. "What did you get me into-"

"Shh."

There were all these clothes scattered everywhere, and, at first, I didn't wanna pick them up, but I wasn't sure if somepony was in trouble or hurt.

"Oh yeah, you're a naughty girl!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Turns out, Timber wasn't growing weed.

He was a plant humper.

"Oh, HELL naw!" Lilac gags. "Horticulturist my flank! That ain't right at ALL!"

"S-Scribble, what are you doing here?" Timber gulped.

"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THAT TREE?!?!"

"I-I can explain."

Oh, he explained it alright. He was a dendrophile...

"L-Look, I know that it looks a little weird." he stuttered.

"Yeah, ya THINK?"

That's somepony who gets sexually aroused by nature.

"I'm done." Lilac huffed, walking away.

He had always been that way, but right before we met, he decided he should try being with a mare for once.

Lucky me.

And when he had a hard time performing, he set up that date in the nursery to help him get in the mood. That strange customer in the middle of the night? He wasn't there to score weed, he was a fellow dendrophiliac who was there to buy a rare Saddle Arabian red maple fern...

To DO.

The map wasn't to marijuana plants, it was the location of the love of his life:

A tree he had named Mary Jane.

"Sicko." I hissed before catching up to Lilac.

"Sicko?" Timber scoffed. "Babe, we talked about this. Trees are living organisms, come on."

To this day, I still don't understand how it even WORKED.

Timber remained celibate for 7 months, but relapsed after staying in a cabin.

Scribble continued her career as an interior designer...

But only uses artificial plants from now on.

---

Author's Note:

And now you can't look at tree holes the same way again. You're welcome...

The role of Scribble Pen: ponybird21

Comments

[ponybird21]

OMG I'm fucking wheezing

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

10112279
😎

[pensuka]

Wow i am going to need mental bleach for this

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

10112354
😁😈

[TheHardie-Boy]

I can only imagine that being painful and not at all satisfying. Strange to see this one marked as complete

[Toriandthehorse]

And now you can't look at tree holes the same way again.

Damn right.

[Shadic Midnight Blitzer]

10112279
I am very happy for ya. Congrats ponybird21!

I think I remember you from the Meme squad

[Shadic Midnight Blitzer]

10116543
Alright alright... But this sounds like an interesting chaoter that could be made to a story.

I think it would've gone more interesting if they don't Know who the baby was. Oof

[ponybird21]

10116503
Yep. I was the meme squad.

[Shadic Midnight Blitzer]

10116562
Yay

[Shadic Midnight Blitzer]

10116543
You wouldn't have any problems if one day (as in a really far future due to the fact that I have to manage the stories I already have) this chapter is made into a story itself? (As to expand upon this idea? More details?)

[accidentallyoffensive]

"He was a dendrophile..." Ohhh! Thats what it's called... yeah I've seen things....that can't be unseen.

[Pete100]

How is something like this even possible?