My Crazy Ex

by 23 KM To Nerdiness

Octavia Melody

[DAY 0]

My name's Mick, former cider-guzzling human.

My 20s were a complete blur. I drank alot and most of my 'relationships' were temporary, to say the least. As I got closer to 30, I realized I wanted more outta life.

Like a REAL relationship.

So, I decided to make some changes. I quit my bartending gig, got a corporate sales job and stopped going out all night. I was finally starting to act like a real adult.

Who still lives in a frat house.

The place was a disaster, and I knew that I could never get it cleaned up on my own, so I decided to do something about it.

I got in touch with the first cleaning service I could find.

[DAY 1]

Early, the next day, was this grey coated mare standing at my door.

"Uh......hi." I greeted.

"Hello there." she giggled.

She had this British accent, she was beautiful, and I had no idea what she was doing there.

"C-Can I help you?"

"Oh, this is Muzzle Drive, right?" she asked. "You did called for somepony to tidy up the place for you, right?"

I could not believe it, THIS was the mare from the cleaning service?

"Oh yes, that's me, my bad. I-I'm Mick."
"A pleasure to meet you." she giggled. "Octavia Melody."

Never in my wildest dreams did I think the agency would send somepony like HER. I was almost looking around for the cameras like I was on one of those practical joke show things.

"Well, this is it." I sighed, staring at the pigsty.

As she was looking around, I was kicking myself. I mean, how could I let it get SO bad.

"I-I'm sorry, let me just straighten up real quick, and-"

"No, no, no, you needn't worry." Octavia said calmly. "There's no messy home I couldn't handle. I've tussled with worst settings."

I don't even know how the hell that was even possible, but I was just happy how willing she would do the job.

"Are you sure about that, or-"

"Child's play." she scoffed. "You go on about your day while I get this place into tip top shape."

"O-Okay."

I mean, I could understand why she didn't want anyone hovering over her the whole time. So, I met up with my bud, Berry Punch.

"HA- *BURP*, I beat ya again!" she hiccuped. "You up for another round?"

"Round?" I asked. "What round? I just went to the bathroom and came back to you downing 11 mugs of cider!"

"N-No reason to be a- *HIC*, sore loser about it, Mickey Mick Mick."

Berry......had a BIGGER drinking issue than me.

"Besides, I gotta go, she's probably almost done."

"Who's almost done?"

"The new cleaning mare, she asked me to step out for a couple of hours."

"And you- *BURP*, LEFT?!" she belched in surprise. "Dude, she's totally scamming you."

"What?" I cackled.

"It takes a professional thief, like, three hours to empty a house. I'm talking furniture, clothing, CELLARS..."

"Pfft, Berry, you're wasted. I fully trust her, there's no way she'd do that."

I ran home as fast as I could and by the time I got there, I expected the place to be ransacked.

"OMC." I uttered as I stepped inside."

But the place looked INCREDIBLE.

"W-Wow, this is amazing. Could you maybe come once a week?" I asked.

"But, of course." Octavia nodded. "That was a worthy challenge you've bestowed upon me there."

It felt like there was something there, but I decided that hitting on the cleaning lady was something the OLD me would do.

And I was genuinely trying to do better than that.

[DAY 14]

"Are they almost done?"

"Just a tick." Octavia hummed, observing muffins in the oven.

Over the next couple of weeks, I got to know Octavia. She wasn't just gorgeous, she was actually a REALLY cool mare.

"U-Uh, pardon me for asking, but how did somepony like you end up cleaning houses?" I asked.

"Like me?" she said curiously.

"I-I mean......you're not what I expected."

"Well, I'm trying to earn the extra bits for a new cello, is all. I've been practicing for years on my old one. When I'm not tryiny to earn my degree in music, I spend my free time writing a piece of mine and.....other things."

Before I could ask what 'other things', I got a letter from the mail that changed everything.

"Sorry, I can't go."
/)

It said.

"Damn." I muttered.

"What is it?" Octavia asked.

"Ah, nothing." I sighed. "Just some mare I was supposed to go out with. She flaked."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Were you looking forward to it?"

"Eh, I don't know. D-Do you wanna go out? I already got the tickets."

"Why of course, sounds like fun." she giggled.

I convinced myself that it wasn't a date. More like......two friends catching a movie.

That's it.

"I must say, that was a good flick." the mare laughed. "I had a good time."

"Heh, so did I." I sighed.

"..."

"..."

That little voice inside my head is just like 'Don't.....DO it, just get in the house'. But then....

SMOOCH.

I told that voice to shove it.

It was a nice moment. Until I completely screwed it up.

"Y-You wanna, maybe come inside for a bit?" I asked.

"I.....I-I don't know, it's getting a tad late and I have to practice." she stuttered. "Truly sorry, Mick."

"Totally get it, gotta do what you gotta do."

It was classic old Mick.

I felt like such an idiot.

[DAY 15]

The next day, I sent a letter to Octavia to apologize for what happened and when she didn't get back to me right away, I figured I pretty much screwed the whole thing up.

But then I finally got a response.

"Mick, can I meet with you, please?"

It read.

I thought it was odd, but she asked me if I could meet her at one of the houses she was cleaning. Gave me the address, so I went straight over.

"Hello?" my voice echoed in the empty house. "Octavia, it's me."

"Okay!" she called from upstairs. "I'm up here!"

I wasn't sure if she called me over because she was upset or because she wanted to quit working for me...

But it wasn't either of those things.

"Well hello there." she chuckled, wearing a small maid's outfit, laying on the bedroom mattress in a seductive pose.

"O-Octavia?" I gasped.

"Why don't you scurry on over here?" the mare purred.

Well, it would've been rude to say no...

Right?

[DAY 16]

"Come on, Mick, DETAILS!" Berry Punch squeaked. "Gimme gimme gimme!"

"She just invited me to this house-"

"Aaaaaaaand?"

"Aaaand.........she's just really cool."

"Well, do you have a picture of this mystery mare of yours?"

"Alright." I laughed. "Fine, but that's all you're getting."

"Oh, wow, she's BEAUTIFUL." Berry exclaims. "I feel like I've seen her before."

"You think you've seen EVERYPONY, Berry. I doubt it."

[DAY 24]

For the next couple of weeks, Octavia and I have worked on our...

RELATIONSHIP.

In other ponies' kitchens, in their living rooms, even in their dining rooms.

[DAY 75]

It was exciting at first, but after a while, the novelty just wore off.

"Tavi, how about you come over to my place, I cook you dinner and you can spend the night?" I asked her.

"I'd love nothing more." the mare giggled. "But I have my studies and I have to work all night and you get where I'm headed."

And I realized that if I didn't see Octavia at work, I didn't see her at ALL.

There was this bracelet that caught my eye on the nightstand as I was listening to Tavi go through her usual list of excuses.

"I-I know and I get it, Tavi, but....I was really hoping.......we'd be something more." I stated.

She said she felt bad and wanted more out of the relationship too, so we decided to make dinner plans for the weekend.

I was actually starting to feel like a grown up.

[DAY 79]

I was really happy that night. Work was going well, my place looked great, and I had a beautiful marefriend that I was serious about.

It felt like things were finally coming together for me.

"Hello, Tavi. Glad you came." I said.

"Glad to be here again." she giggled. "I brought us some wine."

"Ah, thank you.........nice bracelet."

And then, I saw the bracelet from the house Octavia had cleaned. I don't think she realized that I had seen it.

"Is, uh........that new?"

"Oh, this? No, I've had this thing forever. I adore jewelry." she stated.

I thought was she stealing from her clients, and if so, did that make me her accomplice?

[DAY 80]

The next day, Octavia and I hooked up again like we have been for months, but this time, I had a plan.

This time, I wasn't going anywhere. Not without some answers. The moment she went upstairs, I snuck up after her.

While I watched her tidy up the bedroom from around a corner, Berry Punch of all ponies show up struggling to climb through the second floor's window.

"Berry!" I hissed. "What are DOING here, what are you even doing UP here?!"

"Drunk powers, Mickey." she slurred, handing me a flyer. "You need to read this."

And THAT'S when I found out how Berry knew Octavia:

She was a bucking British maid PORNSTAR!!!

And I was in ALL of her videos!!!

That cleaning service I discovered? It was a FAKE. Tavi just put it up so she could get potential co-stars. And when she first saw me at my door, she figured I'd fit the bill. She started hitting on me and made ABSOLUTELY sure I wouldn't be able to resist and planted cameras in ALL of her clients' houses.

And her hits went sky high.

Oh, and that first day, when she kicked me out of my own house to clean?

She was just setting up her fans for her next conquest: ME.

Mick threatened to sue Octavia.
She agreed to delete the videos.

Mick has a new marefriend.

But he cleans his own house.

---

Author's Note:

The role of Mick: mickal9090.

Comments

[TheHardie-Boy]

Well...at least she wasn't psycho or criminal

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

9869185
Technically, I think recording someone without consent is illegal somewhere...🤔

[Orrm]

9869194
I think he meant 'At least she's not a Shimmy.'

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

9869219
Ah

[TheHardie-Boy]

9869194
I'd take criminal pornstar over psycho any day

[Mossy Pages]

9869194
It is, in America.

[Gemini_Mantis]

She was a bucking British maid PORNSTAR!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER-

[Pete100]

This was probably the most tamed so far.