My Crazy Ex

by 23 KM To Nerdiness

Fancy Pants

[DAY 1]

I'm Hazel Nut, unicorn mare.

I moved to Chi-colt-o for a job when I was 25 years old, and I'll tell you, whoever named that place "The Windy City" was not joking. I was working alot and I got pretty lonely, so when a coworker offered to set me up on a date, I said yes. Especially when she said he was some kind of royalty.

"Hazel?" a stallion called out. "Pleasure to meet you.

"Oh, you must be Fancy Pants." I chimed.

I mean, he was a little shorter than I expected, but doesn't every mare secretly dream of being rescued by a prince?

"Should we set up?" he said.

"Sure."

Okay, he wasn't exactly a prince.

More like a great great nephew of an earl or duke, or something like that, and from some huge family nopony's ever heard of that lost their money about 200 years ago.

But still, I figured it could be fun. Right?

"To a great first date." Fancy nodded.

"I second that. Cheers."

"Cheers."

Things went better than expected. Fancy seemed smart and funny and charming. And I loved his sophistication. I expected a prince to be more self-absorbed, but he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say.

And of course, he said what every girl wants to hear after she's had a good time.

"I would love to see you again." he sighed.

"Well, how could I say no to a guy who-"

SMOOCH!

I was not expecting that at all...

[DAY 2]

"Is this calligraphy?"

"I guess, I don't know, Mist."

The next morning, I was hanging out with my best friend Misty when a letter was hoof-delivered to my door.

"Well, at least he can spell, I mean, who can spell anymore in longhoof?" Misty uttered. "And you said he sent flowers, too?"

"To here." I stated. "And my office."

"Do I need to remind you about a friend of mine who spent all last year telling me that if she could get a nice guy again, she'd be willing to overlook the little things? Do you remember that mare?"

I figured she was right. He had his little quirks, but didn't everypony?

"You're right." I nodded. "I should just enjoy dating a nice guy for once."

[DAY 5]

A few days later, I invited Fancy Pants over. You know, just a quiet, casual night at home. It was one of those perfect, relaxed nights, until...

He pulled out the little box...

"Oh, uh..."

"Surprised?" Fancy chuckled.

"It's just......we're not-"

"Hazel, I'm not crazy. I saw this in a shop window and thought of you."

"Oh, my goodness."

There was a locket inside, just like the one I told him about on our first date.

"T-That's so...thoughtful, Fancy..."

But I could tell it was way more expensive than the one I lost.

"I-It's just too much." I said.

"Oh, it's nothing." he stated, fitting the necklace on me.

I guess I thought it'd be some huge insult if I turned it down.

"Don't we look good together, my fine princess?"

"...hmm."

[DAY 32]

Over the next few weeks, I tried to slow things down...

"Mmm, that was an amazing dinner." I hummed.

"I'm going to show off all of my skills for you tonight." Fancy laughed.

But when Fancy invited me over for dinner, and promised not to do anything too drastic, I accepted.

"Wait, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I have something for you. Actually, it's for the both of us."

Uh oh.

I really hoped it wasn't another gift.

"Buck, lights."

Then the lights went out and some random stallion comes out shining a spotlight on me.

"This is Buck." Fancy said. "We've known each other since colthood. He has graciously agreed to lend his musical talents for us this evening."

This guy Buck must have been hiding in the kitchen the entire time I was there, about...two hours!

I gotta tell you, if you've never been serenaded before, it's the most AWKWARD thing you can ever imagine. Fancy was singing about birds and trees and moon rays.

Are moon rays even a real thing?

And this weird guy Buck just kept glaring at me like I was stealing away his soul mate. Then, there was the whistling part. It was really awful. And just when I thought it was all over-

"Here."

He pulled out an envelope. With TICKETS.

"You, I, and the sunrise over Spane."

And right then was when I realized, "Oh, my Celestia, little fillies aren't the only ones with fairy tale fantasies."

"W-Well, this is incredibly sweet." I uttered. "But, I think we should wait."

At that moment, Fancy just SNAPPED, tearing and shredding the tickets and envelope to pieces.

"You will never meet a stallion who treats you better." he whined, stomping out the door.

"Fancy, wait!" I hollered, following after. "Fancy, just calm down, please!"

"You'll regret this day for the rest of your life!"

And just like that, he was gone.

That escalated quickly...

But was I supposed to drop everything, fall in love with this guy and run off with him to South A-mare-ica? I-I can't name one pony crazy enough to do that.

[DAY 33]

"I still haven't seen or heard from him. I just want to know that he's okay."

"You're not responsible for this."

Misty came over the next day to make sure I was alright.

"You didn't do anything, he did." she stated.

"Oh, darn."

There was Buck, standing on my front lawn.

"Who's that?" Misty asked.

"Fancy's friend, or servant, or whatever."

"Hey, go away! Yeah, you. Go back to the crazy castle!"

"It's all your fault. You did this." the stallion huffed at me.

"I'm gonna go see what happened." I said.

I figured Fancy sent him with a ten-page apology letter.

"Look, Buck, Fancy really-"

"Congratulations. He's dead." Buck said.

"What are you talking about?"

"You killed him."

Buck handed me some printout, an article that said that Fancy Pants had jumped off a cliff. He was dead...

Because of me.

[DAY 36]

The funeral was a couple days later.

I really didn't wanna be there, but Fancy had always been sweet and generous with me. He was a little unpredictable, but he was a good guy, so it felt like the right thing to do.

"We can try to remember the life of the stallion," Buck announced. "Instead of his terrible, unnecessary death. Feel free to share."

I barely knew this guy, and all of his friends were treating me like the widow...

The widow that KILLED him.

"Hazel, come on up." Buck said.

"U-Uh, I can't-"

"You owe him."

What was I supposed to do? It's not like I had a choice. But what do you say to a bunch of ponies who THINK you killed their friend?

So, I stood forward.

"I-I'm so sorry this happened." I uttered. "I never got the chance to tell Fancy Pants that I..."

I totally panicked.

"Loved him."

I thought speaking in front of that crowd was about the worst thing I could've imagined.

But I was wrong.

After the funeral was over and everypony left, Buck approached me with an URN.

"You take him." he said. "He wanted that."

"I-I can't take this." I stuttered. "What about his family? I-"

And he just left.

I'm standing there, holding Fancy's ashes in my hooves and wishing I was the one that was dead. And then...

"You love me. I just knew you just needed a little push to admit it."

That LUNATIC was still alive!

"Now, I know it was a little extreme-"

"You faked your own death just to make me say 'I love you'?!"

"When you say it like that, it sounds crazy. But we love each other."

"You. Are a HORRIBLE pony. How could you put me through all of this?!"

"Because you love me!"

This guy was insane. All I could think was, "I need to get as FAR away from him as possible."

Until he said-

"Give me a kiss! I'm alive!"

Then, I wanted to KILL him.

I tried to toss his so-called "ashes" on him, but remember.......the "Windy City". Most fairy tales end happily ever after.

This one ended with a restraining order.

Hazel is now happily engaged.

Fancy Pants is rumored to have died.

Again.

There has been no confirmation.

---

Author's Note:

The role of Hazel Nut: Toriandthehorse.

Comments

[ponybird21]

Damn, and if only hazel was a gold digger, she could have grabbed everything from him and THEN broken up. XD

[Toriandthehorse]

Oh, this is awesome! Thank you!

"Give me a kiss! I'm alive!"

Then, I wanted to KILL him.

I tried to toss his so-called "ashes" on him, but remember.......the "Windy City". Most fairy tales end happily ever after.

This one ended with a restraining order.

Gold.

[pensuka]

I hear of rushing in romance but this takes the cake

[sorrow_song]

Im suprised there wasnt a trixie chapter yet lol, or spitfire.

[The Red Parade]

Hey there. This was reviewed here. Thanks for picking me as a reviewer, and I hope what I have to say is helpful.

Deuces.

[Leondude]

9870844
Ironic how my opinion of Starlight has changed over a year (give or take).

Great, now I'm replying to myself like a crazy person.

[Pete100]

In some cases faking your death would be funny or a good way to teach a lesson. Not this case.