A relationship, whether romantic or platonic, can sometimes be a dangerous thing...
Especially after it ENDS.
This tells the stories of people, or ponies, who have revisited past relationships, bringing their behavior to a point that reaches the level of being excessive or even extreme.
P.S. If anyone wants to be a victim part of this story, feel free to PM me.
I've been a single, game loving human for a few years ever since I've moved to Ponyville and that day, I was literally walking down the street thinking how seriously tired I was in the dating game.
And that's when I saw Pinkie Pie.
She was struggling with a cart of baking supplies.
"U-Uh, you need any help with that?" I asked her.
"Really?" she squeaked in surprise. "That would be so super duper amazingly fantastically helpful, thank you so MUCH!!!"
"Sure, no problem."
What were the chances that you're thinking about finding the perfect woman or mare, and then the next second actually feeling like you've just met her. That's when I told myself it was probably meant to be.
Pinkie was a self-proclaimed 'super scooper baking assistant' at Sugarcube Corner. She was very pretty and she had this whole bubbly childlike innocence to her. Kind of a endearingly wacky type. Wackier than her signature poofy mane.
Eventually, we both get the cart of supplies toward the famous candy store, I helped her get everything in order, just fulfilling a good human deed.
"I just wanna thank you again so SO much!" Pinkie giggled before wrapping me in a quick as lightning hug.
"Oh, don't mention it." I shrugged. "It was totally nothing-"
"I would like to bake you a pie." she cut me off, a large as life smile on her face.
Bake me a pie?
"Y-You know, to thank you for the assistance." she continued.
"Oh, no, you don't have to do all that-"
"Nopey nope, I INSIST!"
Kinda had to admire her persistence. But, at the same time, I heard it gets a bit tiresome. But I'm not complaining. Yet...
"Well......okay, I guess," I chuckled. "Or, we could grab dinner Saturday night if you want."
Her light cerulean eyes lit up, accompanied with the biggest grin only a pony like her could ever create. "That. Sounds. So. Much. FUN!!!" she squeals in delight.
[DAY 4]
The next day, as I was about to head out the house to meet Pinkie, it caught me completely by surprise when she suddenly showed up on my doorstep holding a wide blanket over her forehooves. She yanked it aside with an anticipated smile, and....
"TA-DA!!!" she yelled.
She actually made me a pie. An APPLE pie, which is my absolute favorite.
I was so shocked, that the OBVIOUS part of this never occurred to me:
How the hell did she know where I lived?
Anyways, our very first official date went really well. She was funny and kooky, but in a good, silly way. I liked her alot. Soon, we made it back to Sugarcube and reached the doorstep.
"I had a really great time tonight." I said.
"I had a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really..." her really's began to slow down as we soon inch our way into a quick kiss.
That moment was a moment I would never forget. Especially when she nearly blinded me with a small camera that she slyly used to take a pic of our tender little moment.
"GOT it!" she squeed, looking over the photo. "Priceless. Look at how clueless you looked."
"Uh.....yeah," I uttered. "You really got me there."
"Hey, you wanna come in for a drink?" she asked. "We have pineapple mango cherry strawberry rhubarb punch!"
"While that is tempting, I'm not so sure about-"
"I have a HayStation 4 upstairs."
My jaw nearly hit the floor.
How she figured out my love of video games, I have no idea but I knew there was no way I was going home that night.
[DAY 5]
The following morning, I woke up on the bedroom sofa and found myself staring at a giddy, wide awake Pinkie Pie cuddled up with me in a cozy quilt.
"We're gonna get along JUST fine, you and I." she whispered.
And at that moment, I think I believed it.
[DAY 14]
About two weeks after we met, Pinkie invited me over for what she called a 'very SPECIAL surprise'.
She had this little black smudge on her face, like tar or something, and I was gonna tell her about it, but you know when you don't tell someone about something within the first few seconds, it's kinda too late?
Well that's what happened.
"HAPPY TWO WEEK ANNIVERSARY!!!" Pinkie roared in excitement before plopping an eye-poppingly colorful gift bag onto my lap.
"T-This is unexpected, I didn't get you anything." I stuttered.
"Oh, that's okay, silly. You'll like this one."
I didn't know what to say. I mean......'Two Week Anniversary'? But she was so happy and excited, that I didn't wanna be THAT asshole and hurt her feelings. So, I opened the bag and pulled out a little heart-shaped pillow with a picture of us on it. It was pink and girly and not really my thing but she obviously worked REALLY hard on it.
And it's the thought that counts, right?
"W-Wow." I said.
"'Wow' indeed," Pinkie cheers. "I knew you'd like it! Ooh, one more thing."
She then just digs into her bushy mane and flings this key in my hands. "It's the key to my place!" she states.
I mentioned we've only known each for TWO WEEKS, right?
"It's okay if you didn't have anything for me."
I know it was stupid of me, but I didn't know what to do, I panicked. So...
I gave her the spare key to my place.
[DAY 18]
Every few weeks, I'd get together with my sister, Alexis, and just hang out. It was a good excuse for her to keep tabs on me...
"So, when are you gonna get a REAL job?"
And to boss me around.
Before I could answer, a pink envelope slips from under the front door and glides it's way onto the table we were playing cards on.
"You gonna open it?" Alexis asked.
I wasn't worried about being rude to my sister, I knew who the letters were from without even looking at the address. However, the card bursts open with confetti and glitter where a little swaying Pinkie puppet holding a big red heart chanted "I love love LOVE you, Joe!!!" over and over, to my sister's amusement.
"Ooh, someone love love LOVES you." she snickered. "She sounds like a very serious, grounded mare."
Now, I love my sister...
But man, she can be really harsh when it comes to the girls I date.
"S-She's just a girl I've been seeing for a few weeks, Alex."
"She's in love with you after only a few WEEKS?" she sighed.
"W-Well, you don't understand, she's....unique." I stated. "She's fun, she's great and.......different."
Of course, she knew I was in complete denial. I wanted to tell her that she was wrong and that Pinkie was totally stable but I guess we both knew that wasn't true. 'Fifty Shades of Crazy' she says I was getting myself into.
[DAY 24]
Pinkie was making me dinner for, like, the FIFTH time that week and I was really liking somepony looking after me. Although, the only weird thing is seeing sloppy foal's drawings all over the fridge.
"Isn't that cute?" Pinkie laughed. "The Cake twins made those."
There were drawings of us in love, in balloons, getting married and having a kid.
Actually, make that FOUR kids.
Maybe.....Alex was onto something.
Later that day, I knew what I had to do, but breaking up with Pinkie was really REALLY tough. It was like looking into the eyes of a wounded animal.
Technically, she kind of IS an animal...
"I'm just.....NOT in the right place right now to be with someone." I said. "I-I just don't think this is good timing."
Pinkie's devastated frown slowly vanished.
"S-So you just need time?" she sniffled.
"Yeah, like, right now."
She just took one long look at the heart pillow in her hooves and turned to me with a small smile.
"I'll always love you, Joey." she said.
[DAY 30]
A few days later and it became obvious that Pinkie wasn't ready to move on. The moment I saw a lone steaming crockpot in my kitchen, my imagination went insane.
To my relief, but also my confusion, it was just peach cobbler. Pinkie broke into my house and made me PEACH COBBLER.
How the holy hell can you report that?!
[DAY 53]
"Alex, remind me again WHY we're.......on my roof."
Then it all made sense: the black smudge on her face, the random leaves I'd find in her mane...
Pinkie had been living on my rooftop for over a MONTH, so she can watch me come and go.
"Hello, Joey..."
My heart sank as I spotted the psycho mare relaxing on the roof's railing. And that was where I learned the truth:
Pinkie was batshit crazy.
"P-Pinkie, this is NOT you," I tried reasoning with her. "You need to clean all this up and go home."
"But you and I are meant to be together." she stated creepily.
"I broke up with you."
"But I thought we were on a 'break'."
"Not......really."
"I-I did everything right, I-I cooked for you, took care of you..."
"I'm sorry, Pinkie, it just wouldn't work."
"Okie dokie lokie." she sighed as she hopped away before returning with something shiny and blue.
I swear to GOD, it was a blue cannon.
I didn't even know they made blue cannons!
"P-Pinkie Pie, just.....put the cannon away, please."
"Oh, no no no NO!" she hissed. "I-If I can't have you, then nopony- WOAH!!!"
Pinkie suddenly lost her footing trying to aim until-
POW!!!
The cannon went off, it's blast threw the psycho pony off the roof to the ground down below.
I really did not see that coming.
Ambulance came to collect her, said it was a miracle she survived. You know, nothing a couple of months of physical therapy couldn't fix.
Her mind, however...
"You guys are SO nice." Pinkie giggled as she's strapped down and carried away. "I'm gonna bake you all a tasty pie."
Joseph relocated to Fillydelphia and hasn't heard from Pinkie Pie since. He is currently taking a break from dating...
I've been divorced for about 8 months, and honestly wasn't doing well. I was a bit of a stress eater and started chowing down like your typical college freshman again.
And it showed. Something needed to change.
[DAY 3]
If I was gonna get my life back on track, I needed to start by getting my lazy ass off the COUCH. So I wrangled my best friend, Soarin, and hoped that he'd help motivate me.
"On to the next one!" the pegasus stated.
"D-Dude, I've only been on this for like......FIVE minutes." I said.
"Yeah, yeah, that's what this cross fit stuff is about. You hit as many machines as you can. I'm gonna try that one over there."
Soarin saying he'd help me get off the extra weight and him ACTUALLY being able to do it......were two VERY different things.
"Hey, you need some help?" a light blue pegasus.
"U-Uh....." I stuttered.
It's not often when a pretty mare walks up and talks to me. So when I saw her, I felt and probably acted like an IDIOT.
"Uh.......t-this equipment isn't what I'm used to.......it's been awhile."
I was completely out of my element.
"Hey, no sweat." she scoffed. "You've met the right pony. Name's Rainbow Dash. I'm a personal trainer."
"Don." I said, shaking her hoof.
"I've got some time before my next client is due, lemme take you through some exercises." Rainbow asked with a playful shove. "On the house."
"O-Okay, sure."
I figured what the hell, GO with it.
It was clear that during that workout, Soarin had a look of shock seeing me with somepony like Rainbow. For the first time in my life, I was the envy of every guy and stallion in the room.
What, you think I was about to complain or question it?
It was friggin' awesome!
"Well, I've gotta head out." Rainbow sighed. "But I'd love to whip your butt into shape. Now, I don't pick just ANYONE as a client."
It was the best sales pitch EVER.
"You know where to find me if you're interested." she said before slipping a calling card into my hand.
And.....how could I resist?
"When can we start?"
[DAY 4]
Rainbow was like those weight loss infomercials. Promising you that the weight'll just MELT away.
"Do you really think I can lose 30 pounds in 40 days?" I asked her. "That just seems like......alot."
"Well, the bigger you are, the easier the weight comes off." she stated. "Based on your BMI, it's totally doable. You look perfectly healthy."
"You look professional." I uttered.
"Remember, it's not just about exercise, so NO junk food. Only the foods on the list, got it?"
I didn't know HOW I was gonna do it. But if there's one trainer and one BODY that could make me do it...
It was her.
"Whatever you say."
"That's right, WHATEVER I say."
[DAY 5]
Over the next week, I hit that gym HARD. Every. Day.
"You feel it in your core now?" she asked, rubbing my stomach as I lifted weights.
"Y-Yeah." I said, dopey grin on my face.
"Good. Give me 50 more."
I had to say, Rainbow was TOUGH. But she had this way that made me wanna do more. I won't lie, getting back into shape sucked. "No pain, no gain!" she'd always say.
Now, if my trainer was a DUDE, I probably would've given up right away. But I kept telling myself that this was good for me, even though it didn't FEEL like it was good for me.
"How bad do you want it?" Rainbow panted as we jogged. "Give it to me!"
"I gonna give.......I'm gonna PUKE!"
I just hope that it wouldn't KILL me.
Although, I was kind of proud of myself. A few weeks ago, I was sitting on my couch eating my way towards an early death, and now I was working out with a hot mare. I was psyched.
"Let's see, Don, you've lost.......3 pounds this week." Rainbow groaned.
"T-That's great!" I exclaimed. "It's no on schedule but, any progress is good, right?"
"No, we NEED to rev up your metabolism. I've got something for that."
I gotta hand it to her, she was COMMITTED. And she took her job SERIOUSLY.
"Here," she said, handing me a round container. "it's a protein energy herbal supplement. Three spoons in water, three times a day. Pounds will melt away."
It seemed too good to be true, but I wanted to lose weight. And she seemed to know what she was doing. So, without a second thought, I went with it.
[DAY 18]
The last few workouts were killing me. As good as it felt to finally be losing weight, I'd be lying of I said I didn't have second thoughts, about everything.
I thought maybe one night off might be enough to get me motivated again.
However, before I could get a moment to chillax, Rainbow suddenly just shows up at my front door and just pins me to the wall.
"Today, I'm gonna EXPAND your program!" she huffed, pulling me into rough kiss.
Was I surprised?
HELL yeah!
[DAY 19]
The next morning, I felt like I'd run a marathon, exhausted and in pain. I told myself Rainbow was being considerate and didn't wanna wake me when she left.
I was feeling pretty good about myself. Even when I saw the twelve sticky notes on my bathroom mirror.
Dashie really, really, REALLY wanted to motivate me. But the part I couldn't stop thinking about:
Did she ALWAYS carry those photos of herself around?
[DAY 22]
That day, me and Rainbow were watching the baseball game while lifting weights.
"Ugh, I gotta use the bathroom." I grunted. "If the doorbell rings and it's Soarin, would you please get it?"
"No prob." she breathes.
"I got NACHOS!!!" I heard from the bathroom. It was Soarin.
Now, he knew about my weight loss sessions with Rainbow, but there were just some things that are sacred between bros.
Like baseball.
Yo, Donny, you're never gonna believe what I've got." he chuckles. "T-REX NACHOS!!! Deep fried nachos, dipped in blue cheese batter, deep fried again, and drenched in queso."
"S-So......the cheese...is INSIDE?" I gasped.
"No dipping whatsoever, bro!"
"That's GENIUS!"
I got completely lost in the moment. I-I haven't seen food like this in WEEKS!
But all it took was just ONE look from Rainbow and I knew she wasn't happy with me.
I figured we'd talk about it, and I probably had to apologize, and we'd move on. She just got off the couch and stomped out of the house.
I was in big trouble.
[DAY 23]
The next day, I figured I'd do a little workout and hoped to score points with Rainbow. Of course, it wouldn't be easy. She eventually came by and told me Soarin had hit on her the other day before she left.
I couldn't believe the stuff she said HE said. In my mind, I knew Soarin would never say that to her.
Then again, I was running 7 MILES everyday. Rainbow could make a guy do ANYTHING.
I was furious. I needed to hear what my 'bro' had to say for himself. Even when he did, I was too mad to even LISTEN to him.
Why would Rainbow lie to me?
[DAY 31]
Dashie and I didn't see each other for a couple of days, but I kept up my routine. I thought, the best way to make her happy with me again was to show her how committed I could be.
"Lost 20 pounds!" I cheered. "Woohoo!"
"I think you should up your supplements." she stated coldly.
And even though she didn't seem to be mad at me anymore, I still never lost enough weight to make her happy.
[DAY 37]
There are times in your life when you listen to your body.
And you DON'T.
And there are also times when you should listen to your friends...
And you DON'T.
This is the time when I didn't do EITHER of those things.
While I was doing my normal jogging, I suddenly felt lightheaded, sicker than ever before. Last thing I remembered was collapsing in the middle of the road.
"Hey, you awake?" Soarin asked as I woke up in a HOSPITAL bed.
"W-What happened?" I groaned.
"Rainbow's what happened. She's bucking INSANE. That stuff you've been drinking, her 'energy drink', doctor said it's HORSE LAXATIVE!"
"S-She had me drinking that.......FIVE times a day."
"Dude, doctor said you were SEVERELY dehydrated. Like 'lost at sea on a life raft' dehydrated."
Words can not describe the feeling.
Knowing that you've been sold a fake bill of goods, AND been drugged...
"S-She was my marefriend." I sighed. "And I PAID her..."
And to make matters worse, Soarin said he found out from other guy's at the gym:
Rainbow was on some sort of psychotic quest to beat her personal best as a weight loss trainer.
"She took on male clients." Soarin continued. "Mainly losers.........sorry. Then she'd hook up with them to motivate them to lose weight. The guy before you got to his goal weight in 50 days."
"Ugh, I knew it was WAY to good to be true."
So she targeted me, ran me into the ground, got with me JUST to motivate me and THEN, she damn near killed me. Oh, and probably no surprise:
She wasn't even a CERTIFIED trainer.
Rainbow Dash pleaded guilty to reckless endangerment and served 500 hours of community service.
My nine year marriage just ended, I lost my house, most of my video game collection, but I got to keep my dog, Ares.
I used to LOVE going to the dog park but, after the divorce, it's......kinda just a bit depressing. Even with my mother there trying to cheer me up, saying I need to put myself out there, meet others.
"Ooh, looky there." my mother giggled, pointing at the other end of the park. "That pegasus over there's playing with Ares. You're IN."
It's not that I never wanted to go out with anypony, it's just that I'm a little out of practice. And.....I was never that comfortable meeting girls in the first place.
"H-Hello." the yellow pegasus whispered. "I-Is he yours? He's so sweetie and well behaved. I have a lab named Gopher."
"Yeah, lab dogs are always great, right Lummy?" my mother cooed.
"I-I just like the little guys." I muttered.
"They're the best kind." the pegasus giggles.
Her name was Fluttershy and I had no idea why she was paying any attention to me, which is probably why I was such an easy target.
We talked for awhile and ended up agreeing to walk our dogs together. I knew I was out of my league, but I thought I'd have to be an IDIOT to pass this up.
[DAY 5]
So, one day Fluttershy showed up at my house looking a bit devastated.
She looked horrible.
"Uh, Flutters, is everything alright?" I asked.
"N-No." she mumbled, trying not to burst into tears.
"W-What's wrong?"
It was there that I noticed a thick, red leash wrapped around her hoof.
"H-He's gone." she sniffled.
"Sweet Celestia. Please, come in."
She told me Gopher had yanked the leash out of her hoof while he was chasing a squirrel, and got hit by a cart.
"H-He was such a beautiful dog." Flutters sighed, showing off a few pictures of the poor canine.
Ponies who have dogs get it, they really are like kids to you. We were looking at the pictures of Gopher when all of a sudden she said-
"I-I knew you'd understand." she uttered before she gave me a quick peck on the cheek and snuggled up with me.
I really felt horrible for her. But I have to admit it did feel good to be needed. I remember thinking it's not everyday a mare like Fluttershy would wind up in your arms like that.
[DAY 24]
Flutters and I were spending ALOT of time together but, no matter WHAT we were doing, she always wanted Ares around. But I wasn't about to screw up a good thing by whining about it, so I let it slide.
I know. I was completely clueless. Had I been paying attention, I might've seen it coming.
[DAY 35]
One day, I got home from work a little early and there was Fluttershy standing in my living room.
"W-Where's the baby?" she asked me frantically.
She's always had this slightly.....absent expression but that time, she was a little more absent than usual...
And kind of scary.
"Ares is at my ex wife's place." I stated. "She had a bad week at her job and-" "You know I don't like it when you speak with her." she said with very little emotion.
That was the exact moment, RIGHT there, that I knew I should end the relationship. But, instead, I just said-
"Okay...?"
What a loser.
[DAY 40]
Things with Fluttershy were cool for a few days. But when Ares got back from my ex wife's, she acted like nothing had gone wrong.
"Lummy, c-can you come here for a minute?" she called from the living room. "Alright." I called back. "Be right there."
I swear, on my LIFE, it was the single, most bizarre thing I've EVER seen, even to this day.
The nose, the ears, the fluffy white tail glued to her flank...
"Woof." she said with a reluctant wink.
I knew that it was something I'd live to regret...
Like you wouldn't want to either...
[DAY 58]
Every morning, for six years, Ares woke me up at 7:30.
I woke up at 8:31.
"A-Ares?" I called out. "ARES? Where are ya, buddy?"
I knew something was wrong. I checked all of his hiding spots, but I couldn't find him ANYWHERE. I was pretty freaked out. My ex wife was out of town, so she couldn't have taken him.
THEN I started thinking maybe he squeezed through the fence or got STOLEN. I was still a little groggy, so I thought that maybe I forgotten that Fluttershy was taking him for a hike that morning.
When I realized he wasn't with her either, I started to freak out. What's weird was Fluttershy somehow already had 50 copies of lost pet posters with a photo of Ares.
She was on a MISSION.
But what was a little strange though, was that she kept on referring to him as 'OUR dog'.
After a night of searching for him, we were exhausted.
"You wanna order some pizza?" I asked her. "We can start looking for him early in the morning and-"
"N-No." she sighed. "No, I can't stay here with him not here."
I was sitting there staring at her thinking 'What the HELL does THAT mean?', but no explanation, she just gets up and leaves.
[DAY 62]
Over the next few days, we haven't heard anything about Ares. And the longer that he was missing, the less I heard from Fluttershy.
I thought that maybe in all the craziness, somehow, I've hurt her feelings, so I went to her cottage to patch things up.
I lost my dog. I didn't wanna lose her too.
As I made my way to her place, I ran into a friend of her's, Dr. Fauna.
"Hello, there." she greeted me cheerfully. "You must be the Luminous Fluttershy's been talking about." "Hey, pleasure to meet you." I responded.
"It was so nice of you to give her that dog. No wonder you two are an item."
"D-Dog?" I asked. "I'm sorry, WHAT dog?"
"I saw her having the time of her life with the little guy earlier."
I felt like I was just punched in the face.
My 'marefriend' dognapped my dog.
I HAD to get inside her house, but I had no idea what to expect. If Flutters was crazy enough to steal my dog and lie to my face, who knows what else she's capable of doing?
I was sure that Ares was somewhere inside that cottage. I started checking the rooms one by one...
And then I saw it.
It was some kind of doggy nursery. With mobiles and stuffed animals and an ACTUAL baby crib. Then.....it got even weirder.
"You're such a cute fur baby." the pegasus cooed, holding a whimpering Ares in her arms like a foal. "It's wonderful, isn't it?"
She just WALKS in, holding my dog.
"Oh, Ares, are you alright boy?" I said worriedly, swiping him away from Flutters.
That search for Ares? The flyers, the tears, that was ALL just an act. And to explain why when he went missing, she showed up with flyers already made.
She never even owned a DOG, which made sense because I've never seen her at the dog park. 'Gopher' had never existed.
"You stole my dog, are you crazy?!" I yelled.
"I-I was just being a good mother." she states.
Fluttershy wasn't crazy.
She was batshit crazy.
I got out of there as fast as I could. I swear, this mare is still out there...
Somewhere.
After that crazy moment, NO more dog parks.
Luminous filed a restraining order, and posted Fluttershy's picture at dog parks across town.
Name's Quillian B. Inkheart, down on his luck unicorn.
I had just left my marefriend's house...
My EX-marefriend's house, to be more accurate. She invited me over to tell me it was over. It was the third time I'd been dumped in the last year.
That's when I ran into Twilight Sparkle.
We had dated back in college. I studied philosophy, she was a psych major. Seeing she was in the middle of a signing here in Manehattan for a book she recently wrote, it seemed that, unlike me, she actually did something with her degree.
I haven't seen her in years and she looked good. Went inside to say hello, and then after the signing, we caught up.
"So then, I got my master's and went into private practice." Twilight stated. "That's when I started writing the book." "That's really impressive." I said. "So, what's it about?"
"Relationships. It's a self-help book for stallions from the female's perspective. Speaking of which, how's your love life these days, Quill?"
"Funny you should ask..."
I told her about my run of bad luck with the mares and that's when it stopped being two friends just catching up.
"Okay, first off......it's not 'bad luck'." Twilight said matter of factly. "It's you."
I just sat there and looked confused at her.
"Don't take this the wrong way, Quill, but......you're a mess."
"..."
"..."
"W-Well that's kinda hard NOT to take it the wrong way." I uttered.
"I can help you if you want."
"With what?"
"Everything. Changing your life. Look, I've specialized in working with guys like you."
"Mmm, I don't know." I sighed in my chair. "You counseling me....it'd be too weird." "Think about it. Read the book and take my card. Look me up in case you change your mind."
I took the book and the card but, no matter how many degrees she had, the last thing I want is advice about my love life from Twilight.
But, after some thought, and a little desperate, I took the egghead up on her offer.
[DAY 7]
"So.......how does this work, Twily?" I asked. "D-Do I just talk about my life?"
My first session with Twilight was awkward, to say the least. Now, I haven't been to therapy of ANY kind.
"Do I have to talk about my mom, cuz that's a whole different-"
"Relax, we'll get to all that." she said nonchalantly. "But first things first..."
It was not what I expected.
She pulls a nice, clean tuxedo out.
You've got great raw material, you're attractive, you're smart, funny, BUT, when mares look at you, they don't see that."
"......okay, then."
"Real mares want real stallions. You're outfit screams 'I spend all my bits on Playcolt magazines'. We're gonna have to change that."
"I thought this was gonna be more therapeutic..."
"My methods are a little unorthodox, we're gonna work from the outside in. Step 1: change your look, change your life. Also, no shortcuts. Make yourself look nice."
If I was gonna do this, I was gonna do it right. So, for the next couple of weeks, I avoided taxi chariots and walked to work to lose a few pity pounds I've gained for awhile. I even spend more than the usual 90 seconds on grooming after I got out of the shower in the morning.
I gotta say, I looked pretty good.
At least for me...
[DAY 21]
"Nice." Twilight applauded at my form. "Very nice. Think you're ready for your first assignment."
What she suggested for me to do next FLOORED me.
"Tonight, I want you to go to this cocktail lounge, walk in like you own the place, sit at the bar and stay there until you hook up with a mare that you'd consider to be out of your league."
"I'm sorry, what?" I snickered.
"It'll help boost your confidence. Trust me, do what I say, you'll be amazed at the results.
The whole exercise seemed crazy, but my way of doing things never work. So, I took a leap of faith.
That night, I went to the lounge Twilight picked out for me. She said I'd be confident, but I was just uncomfortable. I remember thinking Twily didn't know what she was talking about and that her advice was ridiculous...
"This is stupid." I huffed.
"What's stupid?" a mare beside me asked.
Until it TOTALLY worked!
"Oh, nothing." I murmured. "Was just talking to myself." "Doesn't sound like you don't have very nice things to say to you." she giggled. "That's a great suit, by the way."
So, we talked for awhile, had a few more drinks and the next thing I know, I'm snuggled up with a beautiful mare wondering why it took me so long to go to therapy.
[DAY 23]
"It. Was. AMAZING!" I exclaimed. "Once we started talking, I just got into the moment and it all worked out. AND she loved the suit!"
"See?" Twilight says. "If you act confident, then your subconscious starts to believe it."
It was a little odd giving her all the details. We did used to date after all. But, she insisted. Said it was 'part of the treatment'.
"So, it's been two days, do I see her today, or wait a little longer?"
"Oh, you're never gonna talk to or see this mare again."
"I-I'm totally confused, I thought you wanted me to meet someone special."
"You're not ready for 'special' yet, Quill!" she stated. "If you started seeing this girl, I guarantee you'll blow the relationship."
It didn't make sense to me and neither did what happened next.
"Here."
"A-An.......an eyepatch?"
"I want you to go back to that same bar and wear the patch. REALLY own it! This lesson is about role-playing. Eyepatches are hot, it'll work."
Honestly, it sounded a little bizarre. But, Twilight was the expert, so I did what she said and wore the patch.
"The explosion was bad." I grunted dramatically to the mare beside me. "But the eye was a small price to pay for the lives saved that day."
"That's incredible!" she said in awe. "You are SO brave."
[DAY 30]
And the next week when Twilight told me I was too cautious and needed to move outta my comfort zone. I spent the night pretending I didn't speak ENGLISH, just like she told me to.
"Hi, there." a random mare approached me.
"Hola." I said seductively.
"O-Oh, uh.........habla Inglés?" she pondered. "At all?"
"El baño es cerveza muy fría."
Which translates to: ["The bathroom is very cold beer."]
"I have no idea what you said, but it sounds super attractive."
"Sí.......plátanos." ["Yes.......bananas."]
All of Twily's advice seemed so weird and silly and a bit dishonest, to tell you the truth. But everything she said worked, I've never done this well with mares.
Now I know why.
[DAY 37]
"So, then I just said 'gracias' and left." "Amazing, Quilly." she clapped. "You handled that perfectly. Now, today's assignment is standing out in a crowd, so tonight.....I want you to go out in this."
A tuxedo with a red rose.
The same outfit I wore to the Spring Formal back in college...I mean, it couldn't have been a coincidence.
I was having a good time completing these assignments, but, to tell you the truth, I started to enjoy my appointments with Twilight just as much.
At first, I thought I was going crazy so, that night, I wore the tux as requested. I waited for about an hour and nothing. I felt like an overdressed fool.
I just sat at the bar realizing that the pony I really wanted to be with was Twilight.
And that's when I got my first BIG surprise of the night.
"Oh, hey, Twilight!" I laughed. "I wasn't expecting to see you here-"
"We need to get out of here." she said in a hurried tone.
"Oh, sure, lemme pay the bill and-"
"N-No, no, we need to go, NOW!"
And then, all of a sudden this tall, armored stallion just blocks our way out saying we were under ARREST!
That's when I learned Twily wasn't your average therapist. I thought she was building me up for a relationship. Turns out she was building me up for her 'CLIENTS'.
That book she wrote? It bombed, and ponies stopped going to her for therapy. Suddenly, she was in debt. And THAT'S when she decided to start a second career, matching wealthy businessmares from outta town with young studs who fulfill their fantasies, like meeting a mysterious stallion of action, or the handsome stranger who only spoke the language of love.
Twilight eventually realized she was up on the cops' radar and tried to warn me, but it was too late...
I was a ho.
Funny thing is, I never read her book until after everything happened.
It was terrible.
Charges were dropped against Quillian. Twilight received a suspended sentence.
I've been unemployed for about 4 months and....I caught my marefriend cheating on me. I just couldn't get myself to leave the apartment.
That's when I started playing online video games on my Neightendo Switch. My gamer name was 'Kingsman'.
"Yo, you SUCK, 'Kingsman'!" I heard from my headset.
I.....wasn't that great at it.
I realize now I was probably suffering from some mild depression.
"Kingsman, those other guys are kinda right, you STINK at this." a girl's voice stated.
"Ugh, I'm not uses to these controls." I groaned. "Plus, I never know what to say on this stupid headset."
"Just say you'll meet me for a drink."
I-I sorta panicked and I ended up agreeing to meet some random mare who called herself 'ShimmyGirl' that Saturday night.
[DAY 6]
"Kingsman?" a light amber coated mare waved. "Is that you?"
She was NOT what I expected.
"I was thinking you wouldn't show." she sighed in relief. "Sunset Shimmer. You're expected some type of shut in, I assume?"
"N-No, no." I mumbled. "Not at all."
Not by a long shot, she was easily the most attractive mare I've ever been out with.
"C-Can I get you a drink or something?" I asked. "Sure." she giggled. "Cider will do just fine."
I never met anypony like Sunset. She was direct, she was confident, she was FEARLESS. We jumped right past the usual first date questions.
I was going on about my sick writing skills, she was talking about her favorite zombie movies and games.
She loved horror stuff.
Sunset.....had a way of saying things that were funny. But not really, like, 'HA HA' funny.
"I'm still surprised a mare asked me out tonight." I chuckled. "I was afraid I might've ran into some creepy stallion guy."
"Don't worry," she said. "you're safe with me.........for now."
Later that night, I see she's definitely different than the girl's I've dated before. ALOT different.
I wasn't exactly a lady's guy, but I've been with a few. But none with Sunset's level of.......enthusiasm.
"OW." I winced, feeling the scar forming on my lip as Sunset pulled away from the kiss.
And to call her unpredictable would be an absolute understatement.
"OW!" I yelled, rubbing the hoof scratches on my back.
"O-Oh, I'm so sorry, did I hurt you?" she gasped.
"W-Well, no, it's just my-"
SMACK!!!
She slapped me.
At that moment, I realized that I HAD to get out of there, go home, and never chat with her again.
But that's not what I did...
[DAY 41]
"Okay, I am going to make you a legend." Sunset stated. "Time to up your high score, what's your password?"
"Yeah, right." I scoffed.
"Aww, come on, it's just a game."
I figured she was right, maybe I was being a bit paranoid. Giving her my gaming password would've shown how honest I was to her.
"Okay then, it's my name plus my birthday." I stated.
What caught me off guard was how fast she typed everything in.
"Wait, do you even know my-"
"Your birthday was April 20th, 1999." she said matter of factly. "In Canterlot Hospital at 9:45 AM, that right?"
"......wow."
"It's important to listen, Charlie." she nodded.
[DAY 75]
Sunset and I usually had fun together. But every time we play a game of ANY kind....
She would get really competitive.
"I have an idea." she said after a quick round of darts. "Why don't we up the stakes? You need a little SKIN in the game to get you focused."
Now, by this time, I was pretty used to the rough stuff...
"How about a little William Tell?" Sunset snickered, waving an apple around in her magic.
But this was, like, pretty bucking stupid.
"B-But you saw how BAD I was, right?" I said.
"But I am awesome."
I thought she was just trying to scare me, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me back down.
I had to call her bluff.
"It'll be over before you know it, Charlie." Sunset hums.
"U-Uh, Sunset-"
"Don't talk." she cut me off. "You don't wanna throw off my AIM, don't you?"
Right there, I saw that I might've underestimated her. And I remembered just how much she liked to inflict pain.
She was SERIOUSLY gonna do this.
PLOP!
To this day, I can still hear the sound of that dart STICKING into that apple.
"That........was fun, I guess." I panted.
"My turn." she squeaked, placing a fresh apple on her head.
"H-How about we play a different game instead?"
"Oh, come ON. Don't worry, I trust you."
There's silly.
There's stupid.
And then there's plain idiotic.
This was bucking IDIOTIC.
"Do it, dude." she grunted. "Do it, or I'm walking out of here."
"This is dumb, Sun, I'm not gonna-"
"DO IT-"
PLOP!
She scared me. And I panicked.
And there was the dart...
Dangling from her bleeding cheek.
"S-Sunset!" I whined. "I'm so sorry about-"
I was freaking out and she was standing there like she couldn't feel a thing.
"Leave it." she said nonchalantly.
"Sweet Celestia..."
Then, she just KISSED me like nothing happened.
That's when I finally realized exactly which level of crazy Sunset was.
[DAY 78]
After the darting disaster, I needed a few days to gather the courage to tell Sunset that it was just not gonna work out between us. So, I did what any guy would do in this:
I texted her. Through game chat.
"Maybe we should take a couple of days apart. To think, ya know?"
I sent.
And then, I got this.
☹ 😡 😠 ☠
She......didn't take it very well.
[DAY 80]
A couple of days later, I was back to my old habits, feeling pretty good about leaving Sunset and all that craziness behind. Although, I couldn't, for the life of me, sign in with my password.
And then it hit me.
I gave Sunset my password. She was behind this. But that wasn't the worst part.
At the time, I was one of those idiots who use the same password for everything.
"r u scared?"
I read from the chat.
"U SHOULDN'T HAVE BETRAYED ME. U SHOULDN'T HAVE BROKEN MY TRUST. U AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET."
Suddenly, the power in my apartment went out. "This could be bad." I groaned. "This could be REALLY bad."
[DAY 100]
By the time I regained control of all my accounts, Sunset had bought game controllers, life-sized anime figures, and these rare vintage horror movie posters. I was like a bit machine for anypony Sunset had been in contact with online, but at least the nightmare was finally over.
I had my first job interview in 6 months for a job that I knew was perfect for me. My life was finally getting back on track.
The interview was a piece of cake, acing all the usual questions the guy was throwing at me.
"So, why do you think you have the potential to do what we do?" he asked me. "I'm passionate about work. Uh, it's something I think about often when I get up in the morning, I've never had a problem being part of a team or taking a leadership role."
"And YET, you seem to hate coming to work."
I had no idea what he was talking about.
"I-I'm sorry, what?" I stuttered.
"Before we interview ANYPONY, we always do a basic online search." he stated. "Your name brings up quite a colorful video."
Sunset recorded me the night I got laid off from my last job. She said she wanted me to see me how stupid I am when I'm drunk.
Turns out, she posted it everywhere.
Yes, I admit I talked like an idiot. I was frustrated and I was venting.
And DRUNK!
"S-Sir, wait, my ex-marefriend did this, s-she's absolutely crazy-"
"That'll be enough, thank you." he sighed. "Your application will be under......consideration."
For the next few months, I couldn't even get a damn interview. But I learned a valuable lesson from Sunset:
True terror, true pain, true FEAR, doesn't come in the form of zombies or monsters. It comes from not listening to your gut and not running away as fast as you can when you know you should.
Police didn't have enough evidence to charge Sunset Shimmer.
Charlie's currently dating a pacifist....'off the grid'.
My 20s were a complete blur. I drank alot and most of my 'relationships' were temporary, to say the least. As I got closer to 30, I realized I wanted more outta life.
Like a REAL relationship.
So, I decided to make some changes. I quit my bartending gig, got a corporate sales job and stopped going out all night. I was finally starting to act like a real adult.
Who still lives in a frat house.
The place was a disaster, and I knew that I could never get it cleaned up on my own, so I decided to do something about it.
I got in touch with the first cleaning service I could find.
[DAY 1]
Early, the next day, was this grey coated mare standing at my door.
"Uh......hi." I greeted.
"Hello there." she giggled.
She had this British accent, she was beautiful, and I had no idea what she was doing there.
"C-Can I help you?"
"Oh, this is Muzzle Drive, right?" she asked. "You did called for somepony to tidy up the place for you, right?"
I could not believe it, THIS was the mare from the cleaning service?
"Oh yes, that's me, my bad. I-I'm Mick." "A pleasure to meet you." she giggled. "Octavia Melody."
Never in my wildest dreams did I think the agency would send somepony like HER. I was almost looking around for the cameras like I was on one of those practical joke show things.
"Well, this is it." I sighed, staring at the pigsty.
As she was looking around, I was kicking myself. I mean, how could I let it get SO bad.
"I-I'm sorry, let me just straighten up real quick, and-"
"No, no, no, you needn't worry." Octavia said calmly. "There's no messy home I couldn't handle. I've tussled with worst settings."
I don't even know how the hell that was even possible, but I was just happy how willing she would do the job.
"Are you sure about that, or-"
"Child's play." she scoffed. "You go on about your day while I get this place into tip top shape."
"O-Okay."
I mean, I could understand why she didn't want anyone hovering over her the whole time. So, I met up with my bud, Berry Punch.
"HA- *BURP*, I beat ya again!" she hiccuped. "You up for another round?"
"Round?" I asked. "What round? I just went to the bathroom and came back to you downing 11 mugs of cider!"
"N-No reason to be a- *HIC*, sore loser about it, Mickey Mick Mick."
Berry......had a BIGGER drinking issue than me.
"Besides, I gotta go, she's probably almost done."
"Who's almost done?"
"The new cleaning mare, she asked me to step out for a couple of hours."
"And you- *BURP*, LEFT?!" she belched in surprise. "Dude, she's totally scamming you."
"What?" I cackled.
"It takes a professional thief, like, three hours to empty a house. I'm talking furniture, clothing, CELLARS..."
"Pfft, Berry, you're wasted. I fully trust her, there's no way she'd do that."
I ran home as fast as I could and by the time I got there, I expected the place to be ransacked.
"OMC." I uttered as I stepped inside."
But the place looked INCREDIBLE.
"W-Wow, this is amazing. Could you maybe come once a week?" I asked.
"But, of course." Octavia nodded. "That was a worthy challenge you've bestowed upon me there."
It felt like there was something there, but I decided that hitting on the cleaning lady was something the OLD me would do.
And I was genuinely trying to do better than that.
[DAY 14]
"Are they almost done?"
"Just a tick." Octavia hummed, observing muffins in the oven.
Over the next couple of weeks, I got to know Octavia. She wasn't just gorgeous, she was actually a REALLY cool mare.
"U-Uh, pardon me for asking, but how did somepony like you end up cleaning houses?" I asked.
"Like me?" she said curiously.
"I-I mean......you're not what I expected."
"Well, I'm trying to earn the extra bits for a new cello, is all. I've been practicing for years on my old one. When I'm not tryiny to earn my degree in music, I spend my free time writing a piece of mine and.....other things."
Before I could ask what 'other things', I got a letter from the mail that changed everything.
"Sorry, I can't go." /)
It said.
"Damn." I muttered.
"What is it?" Octavia asked.
"Ah, nothing." I sighed. "Just some mare I was supposed to go out with. She flaked."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Were you looking forward to it?"
"Eh, I don't know. D-Do you wanna go out? I already got the tickets."
"Why of course, sounds like fun." she giggled.
I convinced myself that it wasn't a date. More like......two friends catching a movie.
That's it.
"I must say, that was a good flick." the mare laughed. "I had a good time."
"Heh, so did I." I sighed.
"..."
"..."
That little voice inside my head is just like 'Don't.....DO it, just get in the house'. But then....
SMOOCH.
I told that voice to shove it.
It was a nice moment. Until I completely screwed it up.
"Y-You wanna, maybe come inside for a bit?" I asked.
"I.....I-I don't know, it's getting a tad late and I have to practice." she stuttered. "Truly sorry, Mick."
"Totally get it, gotta do what you gotta do."
It was classic old Mick.
I felt like such an idiot.
[DAY 15]
The next day, I sent a letter to Octavia to apologize for what happened and when she didn't get back to me right away, I figured I pretty much screwed the whole thing up.
But then I finally got a response.
"Mick, can I meet with you, please?"
It read.
I thought it was odd, but she asked me if I could meet her at one of the houses she was cleaning. Gave me the address, so I went straight over.
"Hello?" my voice echoed in the empty house. "Octavia, it's me."
"Okay!" she called from upstairs. "I'm up here!"
I wasn't sure if she called me over because she was upset or because she wanted to quit working for me...
But it wasn't either of those things.
"Well hello there." she chuckled, wearing a small maid's outfit, laying on the bedroom mattress in a seductive pose.
"O-Octavia?" I gasped.
"Why don't you scurry on over here?" the mare purred.
Well, it would've been rude to say no...
Right?
[DAY 16]
"Come on, Mick, DETAILS!" Berry Punch squeaked. "Gimme gimme gimme!"
"She just invited me to this house-"
"Aaaaaaaand?"
"Aaaand.........she's just really cool."
"Well, do you have a picture of this mystery mare of yours?"
"Alright." I laughed. "Fine, but that's all you're getting."
"Oh, wow, she's BEAUTIFUL." Berry exclaims. "I feel like I've seen her before."
"You think you've seen EVERYPONY, Berry. I doubt it."
[DAY 24]
For the next couple of weeks, Octavia and I have worked on our...
RELATIONSHIP.
In other ponies' kitchens, in their living rooms, even in their dining rooms.
[DAY 75]
It was exciting at first, but after a while, the novelty just wore off.
"Tavi, how about you come over to my place, I cook you dinner and you can spend the night?" I asked her.
"I'd love nothing more." the mare giggled. "But I have my studies and I have to work all night and you get where I'm headed."
And I realized that if I didn't see Octavia at work, I didn't see her at ALL.
There was this bracelet that caught my eye on the nightstand as I was listening to Tavi go through her usual list of excuses.
"I-I know and I get it, Tavi, but....I was really hoping.......we'd be something more." I stated.
She said she felt bad and wanted more out of the relationship too, so we decided to make dinner plans for the weekend.
I was actually starting to feel like a grown up.
[DAY 79]
I was really happy that night. Work was going well, my place looked great, and I had a beautiful marefriend that I was serious about.
It felt like things were finally coming together for me.
"Hello, Tavi. Glad you came." I said.
"Glad to be here again." she giggled. "I brought us some wine."
"Ah, thank you.........nice bracelet."
And then, I saw the bracelet from the house Octavia had cleaned. I don't think she realized that I had seen it.
"Is, uh........that new?"
"Oh, this? No, I've had this thing forever. I adore jewelry." she stated.
I thought was she stealing from her clients, and if so, did that make me her accomplice?
[DAY 80]
The next day, Octavia and I hooked up again like we have been for months, but this time, I had a plan.
This time, I wasn't going anywhere. Not without some answers. The moment she went upstairs, I snuck up after her.
While I watched her tidy up the bedroom from around a corner, Berry Punch of all ponies show up struggling to climb through the second floor's window.
"Berry!" I hissed. "What are DOING here, what are you even doing UP here?!"
"Drunk powers, Mickey." she slurred, handing me a flyer. "You need to read this."
And THAT'S when I found out how Berry knew Octavia:
She was a bucking British maid PORNSTAR!!!
And I was in ALL of her videos!!!
That cleaning service I discovered? It was a FAKE. Tavi just put it up so she could get potential co-stars. And when she first saw me at my door, she figured I'd fit the bill. She started hitting on me and made ABSOLUTELY sure I wouldn't be able to resist and planted cameras in ALL of her clients' houses.
And her hits went sky high.
Oh, and that first day, when she kicked me out of my own house to clean?
She was just setting up her fans for her next conquest: ME.
Mick threatened to sue Octavia. She agreed to delete the videos.
I'm Arcane Dust, your sturggling stallion unicorn.
Moondancer and I have been together for over 2 years, when the company she worked for decided to transfer her to Vanhoover for a six month assignment.
"What, you expect us to take a train back and forth every weekend?" Moondancer sighed. "You know we cannot afford that, right?"
"Well not EVERY weekend." I shrugged. "Just maybe every other one. We'll get through it."
I knew it was gonna be TOUGH, but our relationship was solid and I didn't think anything could stand in our way.
"Long distance relationships NEVER work out, Dusty." she continued. "You're a GUY. You're gonna go out with your friends one night, you're gonna be lonely, and then you'll be like 'Hey, check that sexy mare there', and then-"
"Okay, STOP." I grunted. "You haven't left yet and you're already panicking about something that won't happen."
When I found out she was going away, I actually got her something to show I was serious.
"D-Dusty......i-is that-"
"Now, it's not an engagement ring, it's just a promise ring. It's to show you how I feel. I'm not leaving, not by a long shot."
"Are you absolutely sure?"
"Positive."
I felt like we were gonna survive this long distance thing no problem.
[DAY 771]
After Moondancer left, I was feeling pretty lonely. So, I figured a night out with my good friend and roommate, Lemon Hearts, would be a good distraction.
I went over to the bar to grab a few more drinks and then-
"WHOOPS!" I yelped, bumping into a white coated unicorn mare. "I-I am SO sorry, I-" "Oh, i-it's no problem." the pony sighed, staring at the scattered bits on the floor.
"L-Let me get that."
She composed herself as I magically plucked every bit off the ground and tossed into her glittering purse.
"Again, I'm really sorry."
"Well, darling, if you really want to make it up to me, you could buy me a drink."
"Oh, sure."
I felt bad about knocking her purse down, I thought it's the least I could do.
She told me her name was Rarity, we talked for a little, but I made sure to slip in the fact that I was in a serious relationship.
"That's just dreadful, dear." she swooned. "I couldn't possibly imagine it, I mean, what's the point of being with somepony if we can't BE with them? Just the idea of NO cuddling would be a deal breaker."
"Heh, don't remind me." I snickered. I know it wasn't easy, but we'll make it."
"Why can't I ever meet a gentlecolt like you?"
And then, all of a sudden, the conversation took an unexpected turn.
"Look, Arcane," Rarity said. "I'm not implying that it won't, but if thing's don't work out, or even if they do, here's my address."
"Thank you, but we're pretty solid, I-I really can't, sorry." "Ooh, I-I've clearly had too much wine, I'm truly sorry."
"Woah, it's nothing, don't be."
"No, no, I must retire for the night. It was a pleasure meeting you. Moondancer's a lucky mare."
You never really know how strong you are until you've been tempted. Knowing that I was able to say no to RARITY gave me a lot of extra confidence that Moondancer and I were gonna make this work.
[DAY 776]
A few days later, and I got a package in the mail that changed everything.
It was from Moondancer.
She said the move had made her realize that we weren't meant to be together and she blamed ME for letting her go. Said she never wanted to hear from or SEE me again, that it would be too hard.
No other way to put it: I was totally blindsided.
[Reset: DAY 1]
For the next two weeks, all I did was mope around. But eventually, I thought it was time to get off the couch and start my running routine again.
"Arcane?" a familiar white mare paused beside me. "It's me, Rarity. We met a couple of weeks ago?"
"Oh yeah, hey." I panted.
I haven't thought of Rarity since that night at the bar. And I was still in kind of a funk, I didn't know what to say.
So, I went with-
"U-Uh, do you, uh......live around here?" "Not too far, darling." she stated. "I like to run in this neighborhood."
"Heh, so do I."
"So.........how's the whole 'long distance' thing coming along?"
"Not so good, actually. We.....kinda broke up." "Oh, so sorry to hear that, that must've been horrible. Do you want to go out, maybe talk about it?"
"Thanks, but I'm not really ready for-"
"Ah, no, that's not what I meant. It's quite clear that you need a friend more than a date."
I thought it was really cool that she was just willing to hang out.
"S-Sure, why not?" I nodded. "That'll be great."
There was just something about her, like I......KNEW her. So that night, she dragged me to this 5-star restaurant and we just chatted.
"Maybe showing her that ring was a mistake, I guess."
"I don't understand why she'd leave you, but it couldn't have been the ring."
It was kind of therapeutic, Rarity had a female perspective I really haven't thought of.
"She probably had more issues that have nothing to do with you." she said matter of factly.
"I-I guess you're right."
[DAY 8]
After that night, we spent alot of time together, just hanging out at the movies, being dragged to more sophisticated territories and stuff. Honestly, we've really did start out as just friends.
SMOOCH!
But that didn't really last long.
"For your information, I didn't plan this." Rarity said.
"N-No, I like it."
Rarity was confident, fun and generous. All of a sudden, breaking up with Moondancer.......didn't seem so bad.
[DAY 13]
It didn't take long before Rarity and I officially became a couple.
"Ugh, absolutely NOT!" the unicorn gasped. "In the pile at ONCE!"
"Aww, but I love this shirt."
One night before dinner, we started going through my old clothes. Rarity said I needed a 'clean break from my past'.
It hasn't even been a month and, but things were going so well, Moondancer was the farthest thing from my mind.
Rarity, on the other hoof...
"Uh, Rare, what are you doing?" I asked, watching her look through my pile of letters.
"Ah, Dust, you startled me." she gasped. "I-I was......you know, uh......I was just......oh, I was looking through your letters. To see if you've received anything from Moondancer."
"Rare, I haven't spoken to her for almost a month."
"I do apologize, i-it's just afraid that thing's might not go great between us and I wanted to make sure it was truly.....over between you two."
"I get it, I do, but I've moved on."
"A-Are you sure?"
"Hey, if there was a way to prove it to you, I would."
"W-Well.......actually, there is..."
So, that night, I threw all pictures of Moondancer and I away.
"I know it sounds weird." Rarity grunted. "It's just that I've been with stallions in the past who said they were 'over' their exes."
I kinda understood the concerns and honestly, there was no reason for me to hang on to all those photos of me and Moondancer. I actually agreed with Rarity.
Lemon Hearts had a different opinion...
"So, you threw away ALL of them?" she asked.
"Clean slate." I shrugged.
"Dusty, I'm glad you're happy, I really am, but you just got out of a SERIOUS 2 year relationship! Don't you think you're rushing into things with Rarity, she's here all the time."
"We hang at her place too, so....."
"You know what I meant."
[DAY 17]
A few days later, Rarity invited me over completely devastated. She said she accidentally left the door open and her cat, Opal, got out.
"C-Can you stay the night?" she sniffled.
We figured we wait til it was light out to go search for her. And, with the cat gone, it means I could stay the night.
Trust me, there's a point to this cat story...
[DAY 35]
Somehow, a couple of days turned into almost every night. Yeah, we were probably moving a little TOO fast.
But I'll admit, I was thinking with....the wrong part of my body.....or not at all.
[DAY 45]
And, not long after, we decided that I would move out of my place.
"Arc, I CANNOT express how bad of an idea this is." Lemon Hearts groaned.
"W-Well, yes, maybe this is a little quick-"
"I-I'm sorry, 'a little'? There are dairy products in the fridge from before you met her. Milk that I put onto my cereal this morning."
"Look, we really have something here, something special." I said proudly.
"I remember you said the exact same thing about Moondancer."
[DAY 46]
The next morning, I was just warming up before my run. I saw a flyer of Opal with it saying she's been FOUND, so I ran back to Rarity's place to tell her the good news. However, when I got back, I saw something I thought I'd never see again:
Moondancer, who's shouting at the top of her lungs for Rarity to open up and nearly beating down her door.
"Moondancer!" I hollered. "What the buck are you doing here?!"
"Oh, Dusty, you have to listen-"
"She's MENTAL, darling, don't listen to a word she says!" Rarity barked, trotting out the door.
"Oh, I'M mental?!" Moondancer growled. "At least I'm not a coltfriend-stealing MONSTER!!!"
I later found out that Lemon Hearts got in contact with Moondancer and told her about me and Rarity. She went NUTS and got here in a snap.
"Urgh, I should've NEVER trusted you!" Moondancer hissed.
"Wait." I uttered. "You two KNOW each other?"
And that's where I heard the entire truth:
Rarity was a professional dating decoy. She worked for some kind of crazy service where mares hired other mares to hit on their coltfriends to see if they could be TRUSTED. Apparently, she was so jaded from dealing with cheating stallions all the time that once she saw I was a good guy, she fell for me.
She lied to Moondancer saying that we slept together, knowing she'd break up with me.
After that, Rarity went for the kill. That day she spotted me running? She knew that was my route because Moondancer told her the places where she'd find me. A part of me knew she wasn't the jogging type anyways.
From there, Rarity was all about erasing my past with Moondancer so that she could never track me down. She thought of everything.
And her cat, Opal? She released her ACROSS town, hoping she wouldn't find her way home, that way, I'd stay the night with her and eventually moved in.
I mean, what mare does that to her damn PET?
"D-Dusty, I know I messed up." Moondancer stuttered. "But we could start over again."
"She doesn't appreciate you like I do!" Rarity hissed. "We're meant to be together!"
I knew I had to make a choice I could live with...
I didn't want anything to do with either one.
So I got a dog. He's awesome.
Arcane moved back in with Lemon Hearts. He never spoke to Rarity again.
"Star, you ready......you're not ready, of course."
Name's Kobe, human manchild of Equestria.
Starlight and I have been going out for over a year. We just GOT each other, ya know? We had similar interests, we liked to have fun, we were perfect together.
"Is there such a thing as too much studying, Glimmy?"
Until she started grad school.
"Pfft, do you know who says that?" she scoffed. "Ponies who get C's."
"I got a C+, so..."
"Go on, have fun. Tell everypony I said hello."
Her classes were expensive and she had taken out a student loan, so she got REAL serious REAL fast.
"Are you sure?" I asked her.
"Sorry, I gotta do this." she sighed.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted her to do well, I just felt that the constant studying was kinda bordering on......unhealthy.
"Ugh, I just read this sentence seven TIMES and I still don't understand it." Star groaned. "Why did I decide to go back to school again?"
"Because you said you needed a master's degree to get ahead in the business world- GOT IT!"
"W-What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm playing 'Treasure Attack'." I uttered. "You haven't heard of it?"
Treasure Attack was the latest craze at the time. It was one of those augmented reality video games where you use the camera on your Neightendo 3DS to find treasures all around.
"Okay, the object of the game is to collect as many treasure chests as you can so you can level up.
"Kinda sounds like a foal's game."
"Yes, yes, I know it looks a little dorky, but it's really fun, everyone's into it. Plus, you can play it anywhere. That's the map of the neighborhood, and those emojis are other players."
"So, where's the treasure?"
"Pretty much anywhere, coffee shops, parks, even in this room. You should try it."
"I'm not so sure..."
"Aww, come on, you need a break from all this studying."
"No, thank you."
"Well.......I know another way to relieve some stress."
"Hehe..."
Luckily, at that point, there was still ONE thing that'll get Starlight to take a break from her school work. Even with all the worries aboit money and school, I was still her #1 passion.
[DAY 383]
The next day, I headed over to Star's place for lunch. I assumed I'd find her inside studying again, but she was running around the house, frantically looking for something.
"GOTCHA!!!" she laughed in triumph.
"What are you doing?" I said.
"Oh, uh.......nothing. J-Just out here looking for..........ugh, treasure."
It seemed my demonstration I had given her the night before had affected Starlight more than I thought.
"I honestly can't believe what I'm seeing here right now." I giggled.
"I know, me neither, I've been studying all morning, that I decided to play."
The all work, no play, no anything but studying mare......was suddenly playing a video game?
"I-It's......so much fun, I admit it."
"Well, that's GREAT!" I cheered. "But here's a tip, try to go for the ones that are a little bit further so-"
"Ooh, there's one down the street!" she squeaked, taking off down the road, device in magic.
"Wait, I'm coming with you."
I was excited. After she bought her own Neightendo, I thought maybe she was realizing a healthy balance of fun and work was the way to go.
[DAY 385]
"Okay, the map says there are two more chests down the next few blocks." Star stated.
"Got it." I nodded. "I'll get the red one."
"Ha, nice try. The red one is MINE."
"Wooooah, Miss Competitive's flapping her wings there."
At first, it was really cute. It was actually bringing us closer together.
"Hey, you're almost catching UP with me!" I gasped. "Eeyup." Star giggled. "Better watch out."
Suddenly graduate school was the furthest thing from her mind.
"H-Hey, you wanna head back to the house? I don't wanna keep you from studying." "No, it's okay. Let's forget studying for today, let's go play more."
I was thinking 'How cool was THIS', but I soon learn the answer to that question was anything BUT cool...
At all.
[DAY 387]
It didn't take long before every discussion-
"So, how was your day?"
"Great, I found three chests, one was a dud but the other two were BIG scores, diamonds and pearls, baby."
...found it's way back to Treasure Attack.
And just when I was about to suggest she considered taking a break from the game, she said something...
Interesting.
"I was on a Treasure Attack message board," she said. "and I saw that they were gonna hold a contest for the BEST players in the city. Grand prize: 1,000 bits."
"W-Well, that's cool, I guess."
It seemed like she was SO worried about paying for school that she started seeing Treasure Attack as a way to help ease the financial burden.
"Glimmy, do you realize how many ponies'll probably be playing it?" I asked. "The odds are next to nothing."
"....well they are with THAT attitude."
I was worried she was raising her expectations WAY too high, but if money was a problem, I thought I had the solution.
[DAY 390]
A few nights later, I took Starlight out for a nice dinner. The plan was to move in with me. I thought if we share the rent, maybe Star could relax a bit about her student loan.
"So, Star......I was thinking that-"
"Ooh, one sec, Kobe, be RIGHT back!" she said, giddly trotting out of the restaurant with the 3DS.
"Seriously?" I hissed.
I couldn't believe how fixated she was on that game.
She eventually agreed to move in with me, but she was clearly obsessed and it just kept getting worse.
You would've thought one of her friends' uncle's FUNERAL would be off limits. But not to Glimmy.
She needed a video game intervention.
"Seriously, at a FUNERAL?!" I exclaimed. "I saw a black diamond treasure chest and I just HAD to have it." she stated.
"That's still no excuse!"
"......y-you're right, but now that it's over, how about some treasure hunting?"
"I don't think I wanna play anymore."
"W-What?!" she squealed. "But you HAVE to, I- OOH, be right back!"
That damn game wasn't just destroying our relationship. At that point, it had completely consumed the mare I fell in love with.
[DAY 396]
A few nights later, as I was getting ready for bed, I found this random 3DS on the floor. It belonged to some strange dude.
I HAD to ask.
"You're still up?" Star asked. "I thought you'd be asleep by now."
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep but, who's Copper Connections and why is his 3DS under the bed?"
"O-Oh, I found it at school today, some stallion must've dropped it at the coffee shop."
Starlight was good at alot of things...
Lying wasn't one of them.
So I figured if she was really telling the truth, she wouldn't mind if I returned it.
"It was a mistake, I'll take that, I could mail it." she shrugged. "His address is already on it, on my way to work I could drop it off." I stated.
"That's sweet of you, but don't worry about it." "No, no, it's no problem at all."
"I got it covered, K."
I was pretty obvious that she didn't want me anywhere near whoever that guy was.
And I'll admit, I got a little jealous.
[DAY 397]
I don't know why I called my idiot friend, Spike for help, but hey, at least I could trust him. We were both trying to figure out what Starlight could be up to.
"So, what happened, dude?"
"Apparently, one of her study buddies said she dropped out of her master's program." "She dropped OUT?" the dragon groaned.
If Star wasn't taking classes anymore, then exactly what was she doing when she left the damn house? That made me even MORE suspicious.
"Sorry, bro." Spike said. "You know where she could be?"
That's when it hit me. One of the coolest things about Treasure Attack was that it showed you all your friends who're playing the game.
And, more importantly, PRECISELY where they were.
Turns out, Glimmy was less than a mile away. I followed her emoji toward the block it said she was on. It was in a pretty shady neighborhood, so I was a little surprised that's where she was.
"DON'T MOVE!" a cloaked, deep-voiced pony hollers, large knife magically aimed at me. "GIMME YOUR NEIGHTENDO, NOW!"
"O-Okay, okay!" I whimpered. "Just take it easy!"
I was legitimately terrified for my life.
Until I looked into the eyes of my attacker.
"STARLIGHT?!"
"Oh, BUCK!" she uttered.
"What the hell?!"
She was robbing ponies and taking their game devices.
"It's 1,000 bits, I'm SO close!"
"All this to play a goddamn game?!"
That's how insane she got. At first, Star got sucked in, just like everypony else, until she heard about the contest. Winning that money was the only thing that mattered.
And when she realized she couldn't collect all those chests on her own, she got the idea to STEAL them from other players. So, she started targeting other players, taking them by force.
"Kobe, there's a black diamond chest across the street." the insane unicorn stated. "That'll put me on top!"
"Starlight, you're STILL playing the game?!"
"It'll only take a second!"
"STAR, NO!"
CRASH!!!
The taxi chariot broke Starlight's leg. She broke her other leg, and both arms, climbing out the hospital window.
I'm Starry Night, unicorn stallion and massive train enthusiast.
I was in Manehattan at a locomotive convention and it was my last night there, and I decided that I just wanted to go have a quiet drink by myself, so I went down to the hotel's bar.
At the time, I've been single for about two years because-
A: I work alot, and B: my friends say I'm socially awkward.......and I guess they're right.
"Hey there, you." a mare waved.
This wasn't the first time a beautiful mare has ever talked to me, but the problem is is that I did, right then, exactly what I always do.
I froze.
"Sweet Celestia, Starry Night, is that you?" she gasped. "It's me, Suri Polomare!"
I dated Suri in my senior year of high school back in Canterlot.
"Suri, hey, I didn't recognize you! What are you doing here?"
"I'm a clothing designer, I have a meeting." she stated. "Traveled from Canterlot, I'm selling to a big brand."
Suri and I dated for four months back then.......before I broke up with her. Actually, I didn't break up with her. My family moved to Manehattan...
So, I kinda just left without telling her.
"C-Can I order you a drink or something?" I asked. "I mean, I already have one, but we should chat."
Her nickname was 'Schizo' in high school. She was kinda emotionally unpredictable. Now, she seemed really cool, like she'd really grown up and gotten her act together.
I've never been a big drinker, but I wasn't a lightweight either.
"Another round, please!" Suri chimed.
I figured I must've been really tired, because I remember having three or four drinks and then that's all I can recall.
[DAY 1]
When I woke up, everything was a blur. It took a second, then it all came back to me.
"Morning, handsome." Suri giggled.
Well, almost everything.
I still had no idea how we had gotten back to Suri's room or if we even DID it. It was pretty uncomfortable, at least for me.
"Hey, sorry for rushing out like this, but, uh......I gotta go." I winced.
"Awww, when am I gonna see you again?" she pouted.
"Heh, I don't know, but I'll look you up."
"Well, I hope so Starry, especially after we made LOVE." Suri grunted.
That's the exact moment where I realized why everypony called her 'Schizo' in high school. She hadn't changed a bit.
"Ha ha ha!" the mare cackled. "I'm just kidding!"
It didn't feel like she was kidding.
DAY 12]
After the convention, I've been getting letters from Suri and I wasn't interested, so I didn't respond.
I was more interested in my friend, Coco Pommel, who watched my house while I was away. I had just made dinner for her as thanks for collecting my mail and feeding the fish while I was at the convention.
"Thank you so much for making me dinner, Starry." she giggled.
"No problem, take care."
We were just friends from work, but I was working up the courage to ask her out. I really liked her, she was smart and sweet...
And normal.
After she left, I was doing the dishes wondering if I should've kissed her or not.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
I thought Coco must've left something and maybe I could've gotten a second chance with that kiss. But, I only got a hug.
From Suri.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in shock.
"Don't freak out, Star," she laughed. "I'm not moving in with you or anything.......I moved in that greenish house down the street."
"What made you move down here?!"
She moved from Trot's Way, Canterlot to New Horsey, Manehattan RIGHT across the street from my house, with no letter or anything. Who DOES that?
"We've been talking about how we wanna be close to each other and I thought this would be our perfect opportunity." Suri squeaks. "Now come and help me with a few boxes, they're really heavy."
We never talked about that.
She caught me off guard, I was tired and I guess I was trying to avoid confrontation. So, I thought I'd just move a few boxes, then go to bed and deal with it in the morning.
I know, stupid.
[DAY 16]
Four days later, I got a package.
It was from Suri, let's just say that.
It was a camera with footage of her stripping and trying to be seductive for me. I know I should've been turned on, but seriously, the whole thing kind of terrified me.
I was in denial. I thought if I just ignored her, she'd lose interest. I was bad at breakups.
[DAY 23]
My mom was planning to ride from her house in Horseshoe Springs to stay with me that weekend. As I was reading her letter-
CRASH!!!
One of my sliding glass doors shattered right before my eyes.
I recognized the rock that destroyed it. I found it on a hike. I thought it was cool because it was shaped like a heart, so I gave it to Suri back in high school fourteen years ago.
At that point, I should've confronted her, but I'm especially bad at breaking up with angry, violent mares. So, I thought it would be a good idea to just let her cool off a little.
[DAY 24]
I hadn't gone on a run for about eight years. But, after spending 80 bits on a new sliding glass door, I needed the distraction. Afterwards, I decided to hop in the hot tub to unwind, where I got quite the surprise.
My hot tub was filled with dead, rotting fish. There must've been around 20 of them.
What kind of twisted pony does that?
"Starry." a voice uttered through the talkie that came with my prized train set.
"S-Suri?" I answered.
"Oh, you finally respond to me."
Her voice was just flat and cold. Really scared the shit outta me.
"You can't run away from me, Starry."
I think I finally realized then that she wasn't going to stop and that I should tell her that she was acting crazy.
"You filled my hot tub with FISH?!" I exclaimed. "There is something seriously wrong with you!"
"Starry......I'm pregnant."
That's the scariest thing a stallion could hear.
"......we're gonna be a family."
[DAY 26]
Suri kept on sending letters and calling on my talkie, I think she was up to 47 letters that DAY.
As I was taking a taxi chariot on my way home from the bar, I decided to pass the time and read one of Suri's letters.
"Starry, I hope you're not planning on wasting our baby's college tuition on expensive carts. I might have to teach you a lesson in selflessness."
~Your foal mama ;)
It read.
I figured it must've been my mother's new cart that she was talking about and I thought she might destroy the wheels or worse, so I called my mom on the talkie.
"Hi, honey." she chimed.
"Mom, are you at the house?" I pant.
"Yeah, I'm just cleaning up a bit. You should seriously think about hiring a maid or some-"
"No time, Mom, if you see Suri, DO NOT talk to her!"
I told her to keep an eye out for Suri and to keep her distance.
"I have been seeing a mare pushing a stroller down the street. Think she's been circling around for a while. she stated. "In fact, there she is again."
"Stay AWAY from her!"
"Starry, I'm just gonna go talk to her. She needs to learn boundaries."
"No, Mom, DON'T- UGH!"
My mother really never knew who she was dealing with.
I thought something was wrong when an ambulance went past me, but I was sure something was wrong when I got a quick "How's your mom?" from my talkie.
The moment I made it home, I found my mother being put in an ambulance chariot, badly bruised.
"MOM!" I hollered. "What happened?!"
"S-She......beat me with the stroller." she mumbled.
"Come on, let's get her to the hospital, guys!"
My mom recovered. She got really lucky, considering she ended up with a damaged leg, three cracked ribs and a dislocated hoof.
The next day, I found this old letter that Coco left for me, which must've been buried under all the ones sent by Suri and....
"Hey, Starry, it's Coco. This mare, Suri from high school called. I hope you don't mind, but I told her that you were at the train convention downtown. Hope that's okay. See you later.
~C 💋
Suri came looking for me. After FOURTEEN years.
She followed me to the bar, pretended it was a coincidence, got my address through my locomotive license and moved down the street from my house.
Oh, and one more thing.
She wasn't pregnant, OR a fashion designer.
Suri is serving 9 years for assault with a "deadly" weapon.
Name's Mirage Chime, unicorn stallion and professional egghead.
All my life, I've always wanted to be a famous novelist. When I got into a good school with a very prestigious writing program, it was a dream come true.
The head of the program, Professor Novella, had been guiding young writers for DECADES. But I had no idea it was actually his teaching assistant that I was gonna learn the most from.
I had big dreams. But my journey to a Ponitzer Prize......got off to a pretty rough start.
"C minus?" I sighed in disbelief.
I got back to back C minuses on my first two short stories. It was very frustrating. To make matters worse, my recent grade was equipped with the long hated "See me in my office." thing.
I was dreading having to go to meet the professor. But, when I stepped into his office...
"You wanted to see m-"
He wasn't there. Just his assistant.
"Oh, u-uh.......I was looking for the professor, did you know why he wanted to see me or-"
"He didn't." she uttered. "I did. I liked your story. You have talent and I didn't want you to discouraged just because some old fart doesn't get it."
"T-Thank you. You.....r-really think my work is GOOD? Can I ask what you liked about it.....for a better sense of what's working?"
"Tell you what, buy me a drink and I'll break it down for you.....sentence. By. Sentence." she whispered.
"U-Um......sure. Mirage Chime."
"Sugarcoat."
It might be worth mentioning that I've never been a lady's guy. But, somehow, ONE drink suddenly led us back to her place. I didn't even know how it happened.
"Wow, this is a great collection, I'm impressed." "Who isn't impressed with me?" she scoffed.
"I-Is that a picture of Earnest Hoofingway?" "Yep, and my great grandmother, Caramel."
"Your great grandmother knew the greatest writer in Equestrian history?"
"She didn't just KNOW him, she was his niece."
"You're kidding."
"I am indeed not kidding. Kept it a secret for years. Let me just show you something."
It took me a while to grasp exactly what was going on, but then...
".....no." I uttered.
".....yes." she said smugly.
"This was Hoofingway's typewriter!"
The reason that Hoofingway kept his typewriter at her great grandmother's place was that after he passed, nopony ever claimed it, so Sugarcoat kept it.
"Want to know how she helped him become the greatest writer ever?" she whispered. "By igniting the PASSION in him."
[DAY 4]
After that night, Sugarcoat and I started seeing alot of each other and I thought it was gonna be like having a writing coach, but she was more of a......drill sergeant.
ANYTHING the professor liked, she didn't.
"Sorry for being blunt, even though that's my specialty, but you're taking a giant step backwards, Chime. It's clearly obvious you wrote this for the GRADE."
The worst part was that she was right, it was less about the writing and more about pleasing my professor.
But she had different plans for me.
"You'll have to leave the program." she stated.
"Q-Quit school?"
"Yeah, that's what I said. Give me 6 months and I'll make you a REAL novelist."
I really liked Sugarcoat, but I worked really hard to get into that class.
"I-I'm sorry, but-"
"Now, before you shoot it down, I think I have something."
And that's when we started Phase 1 of Sugarcoat's school of advanced writing.
"Cider?" I said.
"Almost all great writers drink."
"At 11:30 in the morning?"
"Earnest drank two glasses every day before typing a single word. I want you to drink two of these every day and start writing."
For the record, I'm a lightweight. One glass and I'm buzzed. TWO glasses and I'm asleep.
Cider.......was probably gonna kill me.
"A-Alright, fair enough." I nodded. "Let me just get my quills out-"
"Nope, no quills." she stopped me. "Not anymore. Use the typewriter, maybe that'll......inspire something."
You know, I would've chugged a GALLON of ink for the chance of writing with Hoofingway's typewriter.
"Ugh, sweet Celestia- HIC. This is bad." I groaned.
See? Lightweight.
I looked over what I wrote down and it was like I threw up on the page, mostly gibberish, but somehow I manage to write something I really liked. Just enough to get me started down the path.
But from there, the words just started flooding out of me. I didn't leave that typewriter for 13 HOURS until I had a finished short story.
I was the best thing I've ever written. I was convinced that Sugarcoat was brilliant, so one day, I dropped outta school and moved in with her.
[DAY 9]
A short story was one thing, but my goal was to write a novel. And truthfully, I didn't know where to start.
"Well, I'm screwed." I moaned. "Can't even write a greeting card at this point." "...let's get you away from the typewriter for a while." Sugarcoat suggested. "Wanna go for a ride?"
So, we called a chariot and went for a drive. Thought we would've went to grab some food or something and then head back, but she had the stallion run for an hour to the middle of absolutely nowhere.
The moment I got out for a bathroom break, the chariot just took off at the speed of light.
She left me stranded, and I had no idea what to do. So, I walked along the railroad tracks until I couldn't take another step. I was cold, hungry and apparently in hobo territory.
It took me the entire night to walk home, Sugarcoat said I needed to 'grasp the depth of the pony struggles against nature'...
Whatever the hell that is.
[DAY 41]
In fact, everything we did had some form of lesson in it. Having to stop in the middle of fooling around was supposed to be about frustration and disappointment.
It worked.
[DAY 90]
Then, there was the lesson in conflict.
"Chime, I'd like you to meet Razor."
"Hey, dude."
"Razor here said I have a nice flank."
"She does." the brute chuckles.
"Are you gonna let him talk to me like that?"
"U-Um........HEY there-"
POW!!! right in the kisser.
Hoofingway supposedly liked a good bar brawl.
I'm gonna assume he was better at it than I. But still, it's only been 3 months and I was almost finished with my first novel.
And I was convinced it was all because of Sugarcoat.
[DAY 115]
I hadn't seen my old roommate, Flash, in weeks. I was excited to tell him about Sugarcoat.
"She sounds like a psychopath." he stated. "I mean, bar fights, dropping you off in the middle of nowhere, what Kinda writing teacher does that?" "No, dude, she's not teaching me about writing, but about LIFE." I said. "She's teaching me the same way her great grandmother taught Earnest Hoofingway."
"So, she's turning you into a depressive alcoholic who committed suicide..."
I just don't know what got into me, I was so close in finishing my first novel that I just didn't care. But, if I was thinking clearly, I would've seen how right Flash was.
[DAY 121]
I'd been working on my novel day and night, night and day until...
I was a novelist.
Sugarcoat said she wanted to read it right away.......and alone so I wouldn't stare at her. So, I left the house for a few hours.
But when I got back, she had one final lesson for me.
This one REALLY hurt.
"Is that.......sweet Celestia!" I exclaimed. "What are you doing?!"
It was the ONLY copy of my book.
And she was BURNING it page by page!
"Sorry, but it had to be done." she said coldly. "It's just obvious you needed one more lesson."
"What lesson is that?"
"Heartbreak. You've never had your heart broken, and it shows. In order for you to be truly great, you have to know how it feels to suffer. It's a shame we can't be together anymore."
She burned my book......and kicked me out. A week later, she just disappeared. I checked at the college and they said she never showed up for work that day.
Or ever again. She just vanished.
[DAY 183]
That whole episode with Sugarcoat really messed me up, but eventually, I got my act together. Stopped drinking, got back in shape and the school let me re-enroll.
So, a few months went by, I'm doing my daily jogging down past this bookstore, and that's when I finally found out what happened with Sugarcoat.
"You gotta be bucking kidding me."
It was MY book with SUGARCOAT'S name on it!
I suddenly realized the past 6 months had been a total scam. She also wanted to be a novelist, but she wasn't a very good writer, and she knew it.
So, she needed to find somepony else to do the work for her. She managfed to convince me to use an old typewriter telling me it was Hoofingway's, but it wasn't. She wanted to make sure I had only one copy of the manuscript. Sugarcoat made her own copy and then destroyed mine.
I'll give her credit for one thing:
She did get my first novel out of me.
The book she stole, my book, ended up on the BESTSELLER'S list, believe it or not.
Hey, at least I knew I was that good.
Chime wrote a story about getting seduced by a con mare. It was the first of many best-selling novels.
Sugarcoat was never able to recapture the magic of 'Downfall of a Post-Grad'.
I work part time as a park ranger in the Canterlot national park. I get to spend nearly every day surrounded by nature. Besides, with the occasional tourist regretting feeding a bear, it's a pretty laid-back job.
Or, at least it was until one afternoon, I had came across a small cart of camping and hiking equipment. Outside of the designated camping areas, you don't see alot of ponies, so it felt......odd. Could've been some kids looking to party.
Or could've been a group of psycho KILLERS looking to dump a body.
It could happen...
Either way, my guard was up.
To my relief, it was a mare. She was using a metal detector.
"Uh, ma'am?" I said.
"Oh, I didn't see ya." she gasped. "There somethin' wrong here?"
"You know, using a metal detector in these parks.......it's technically illegal."
"Oh shoot, it is?" she winced. "I truly am sorry there, feller."
It's the law that anything buried on or around a national park belongs to the government. Can't just dig it up and take it.
She didn't seem like the body burying type, just a little clueless. So.......I let her off with just a warning.
"So, you watch over this ENTIRE forest all by yer lonesome?" she asked me. "Yep, keep a sharp eye on it all." I nodded.
"You must know a thang or two 'bout this place." "Inside and out."
Being a park ranger can be kinda lonely. Escorting her back to civilization, I was kind of bummed that I'd probably never see this mare again.
"Alright, ma'am, hope you have a pleasant evening." I sighed.
"You too, pardner." she tipped her hat.
But then, things took an interesting turn.
"W-Wait." the mare stuttered. "Actually, ya know any place to get some grub 'round here, mister..."
"Chrome. Chrome Shield."
"Nice to meet ya, name's Applejack."
"But yeah, actually there's a hayburger place nearby. I can take you there if you like."
"Well, much obliged, but.....maybe you'd like to come along."
I said yes.
And a burger led to a mug of cider, which led to another mug of cider. And a few mugs of cider eventually led to...
"Heh, never slept with a guard before." the farm pony giggled.
I'll admit, the uniform hadn't done me any favors.
"Heya, Chrome?" AJ said. "There's somethin' I gotta tell ya."
But a word of caution:
When somepony decides to suddenly having a confession to make 10 seconds after going at it, BEWARE.
"I......I haven't really told ya why I was out there in them woods."
"W-What were you doing there?" I asked.
"I-I was lookin' for my family's fortune."
That's right. She said she was looking for her family's FORTUNE.
"My auntie Red made a ton of bits back in her day." she said. "She was one of the first ponies to sell bottled apple juice."
".....wow."
AJ said her family was a bit dysfunctional and her auntie Red did something.....a little crazy to keep their 'greedy' hooves off her moolah.
"She bought 100,000 bits worth of gold and she hid it in the woods."
"W-Why didn't he just put it in a safety deposit box or something?"
"Ol' auntie Red never trusted banks." AJ sighed. "She passed away a week ago and......I was the only one there by her side."
Yep. I've just been told that AJ's aunt stashed 100,000 bits worth of gold somewhere in MY national forest and with dying words, she told AJ, and only AJ, where she buried it.
And the instructions never told her straightforward where it was, that'd be too easy.
Red left her CLUES.
"Now, I know they sound like she's speakin' in tongues, but I honestly think it means somethin'."
I knew she wanted my help, but as I said, it's against the rules. But, my favorite movie growing up was 'The Loonies'. The idea of buried gold got the best of me.
"O-Okay, I'll help you look." I said. "But, whatever we find, we have to report it first, agreed?"
"Read ya loud 'n clear."
[DAY 2]
So the treasure hut was on. I have to confess, I was actually excited to see what we could find.
"Okay." I pondered. "The first clue your aunt gave leads to this place here, 'Crescent Moon Valley', if I'm right." "Mighty smart thinkin' there, Chromey." AJ applauded.
It took us most of the day to get to Crescent Moon Valley, but it was fun. We were like two kids sneaking off into the woods together. It was getting dark by the time we got there, so we set up camp and took a crack at Clue #2.
I remember thinking the clues were pretty easy to figure out. AJ made me feel like Windiana Pones.
SNAP!
"W-What was that?" AJ gasped.
We were in the WOODS, I figured it could've been anything. But it did sound a bit like hoofsteps.
"I don't know who'd be out this far." I stated.
"Um......"
"......what?"
Warning #2: beware of confessions that come out around a campfire right before you think you might get it on.
"My.......ex-coltfriend....might've overheard my auntie Red while she told me the plan."
"Wait, I thought you said you were ALONE."
"I was the only one by her side, but.....he was nearby..."
I was pissed. I was going out on a limb for her and THIS comes out? There was a ex-coltfriend that might be creeping out there!
"Anypony ELSE in that room I need to know about?" I huffed.
"No, no, I swear."
I should've just called off the whole stupid thing right then and there. But she seemed so sweet and genuine, I believed her...
Again.
She had this incredible way of changing the subject, and I forgot all about ex-coltfriends and noises in the woods...
Until the next morning.
[DAY 3]
We were all set to continue the hunt. But when I go to pull the cart, the wheels were GONE.
"You gotta be kidding me." I groaned. "Think anypony could've done this besides your ex?"
"No, it was definitely him." she hissed. "Can't believe he was just plumb crazy 'nuff to DO this!"
"Why?"
"M-My ex......is an ex-con..."
Warning #3: beware of confessions that come the next morning AFTER you get down and dirty by a campfire.......the night...
You know what..........you get the idea.
"Why didn't you tell me that before?"
"Because.....'cuz I know how insane it sounds! I can't even IMAGINE what you're thinkin' right now!"
"Oh, I think you can."
"Chrome, we have to find the gold, 'SPECIALLY if my ex's still out there! It'd be a darn CRIME if he got 'em."
This is one of those moments in life where you look back and you say "What the HELL could I have possibly been thinking?!"
Years of watching Dooby Scoo Pointed to only one thing:
This was total BS.
But I decided to believe her...
AGAIN.
"Hey......if we're gonna find that gold, we'd better get moving." I said.
"Ya really mean it?" she asked.
"Yeah, let's go."
So, with no cart, we double timed it on hoof all the way to the top of that peak. My heart was racing as AJ searched around with her metal detector.
"Think I got somethin', Shield!" AJ cheered.
We were about to unearth 100,000 bits worth of GOLD. We were digging FAST. Eventually, we dug deep enough for AJ to reach in and haul out this lumpy sack.
Now, I had an image on what we were gonna dig up...
This wasn't it.
This bag was filled with jewelry, not gold.
"W-What's with all this?" "Uh.......I-I don't know..." she murmured.
And then, it got REALLY weird.
"You don't have to do this." some random stallion said, approaching us.
"Wait, who are you?" I stuttered.
"Please, you don't have to do this, Applejack." he pleaded again.
The moment I turned to her-
WHACK!!!
When I came to, I was tied up and my head was killing me. But my ego was gonna take a real beatdown.
"A-Applejack..." I coughed. "What's going on?"
"What's goin' on?" she uttered. "You and Trendy here are gonna camp out while I make my way outta here."
Now bear with me, here's what really happened:
Two years before I met her, AJ and her 'friend', Trenderhoof robbed a couple of jewelry stores. AJ got caught first and went to jail. But before Trendy got captured, he buried the money and jewelry in the forest and wrote her a letter with cryptic clues on how to find it. He made it cryptic in case the guards went through her mail, which they sometimes do.
Around the same time, AJ got released on parole and went looking for the goods herself.
And that's where she met me, the lonely guard/ranger who could lead her to it. She used my knowledge of the park to her advantage. There was never an auntie Red or any of that.
Even when Trendy turned over a new leaf and came to talk some sense into AJ, he couldn't stop her from tying us both up.
I.....may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but AJ couldn't tie a knot for crap.
"She'll never find her way out." I scoffed.
The guards caught up to her the next morning wandering, hungry and lost.
Applejack served another 6 years in jail. She just finished writing her first children's book.....
about lost pirate gold.
Chrome Shield saved a mare who got trapped in a landslide.
I'm Lunestia (yes, really), party-loving unicorn mare.
"Boneleeeeeeeeess!!!"
When my coltfriend, Cheese Sandwich moved in with me, he brought his buddy, 'Boneless', with him too. That rubber chicken was his best friend, and when he went missing, it was the latest incident in the vicious streak of bad luck.
"I can't believe this is happening to me right now." he sighed. "Just another party pooping thing to add to the bad luck list."
In just the last few months, he had lost his job, got his cake maker stolen and now this.
I know you've had a rough couple of months." I said. "It goes beyond that." Cheese sighed. "I can never catch a cheesy break. Fish went down the drain when I tried to teach it to potty as a colt, and my lizard got carried away by a hawk."
Cheese seemed to think that bad luck was some kind of CURSE. But to me, it was just life.
And maybe some irresponsible pet ownership.
[DAY 392]
With no job, no money and a missing chicken, Cheese just moped around the house all day.
That is, until. He found. The CHIP.
"Holey Moley!" he exclaimed.
"What, what is it?" I asked.
"This CHIP! I know I might be crazy, but it looks kinda like.....it can't be."
It looked like an ordinary chip to me, but to Cheese, this fried slice of potato, was a dead ringer for-
"Foodha, the wise monk!" Cheese cheered.
I-I.....guess it looks......roundish in the belly area." I uttered.
For the record, I look more like Foodha than that thing.
"It's more than his belly, it's......LOOK."
Looking back, I should've wrestled that stupid chip out of his hoof right then and just ATE it.
"This is not getting eaten." he snickers.
But instead, that night, the chip joined us for dinner.
"You know, this chip could be worth alot of bits." Cheese stated.
I remember thinking to myself 'You know what else could be worth alot of money? Getting a JOB'.
And, I swear, it's as if the universe had heard me.
Somehow, Cheesy's luck began to turn. First, it was a potential job offer, followed immediately by him finding Boneless in his mane. To me, it seemed coincidental. A few good things bouncing out a few bad ones. But to Cheese....it was a sign. From a higher power.
Yep. That's when it became his lucky Foodha chip. From then on, Cheese got it in his head that this simple potato chip was a reincarnated god.
[DAY 393]
But, the next day, I came home to a brand new Cheese Sandwich. He was happier than I've seen him in months.
"How was your day, Cheesy?"
"Grand-fabu-tastic!" the chipper stallion cheered. "I got the job."
"Oh, honey, that's GREAT!"
"Turns out, the guy at H.R. is a high school pal of mine."
"Heh, what a coincidence."
"But it's not a coincidence, it was the chip!"
Yep. A vegetable got him the job.
"Oh, you got a display.........for the chip." I sighed. "Can't keep something like that in a jam jar. Gotta treat it with respect."
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse than worshipping junk food-
"Lottery tickets, Cheese?" I groaned. "Seriously?"
I hated seeing him waste money. And we needed things, including a new refrigerator.
"Luny, I figured with the chip, I couldn't lose." he said.
"And how's THAT working out for you?"
".......wait a sec, I didn't finish this one."
*CHA-CHING*
"Cheese. Y-You just won 500 bits." I gasped.
"YES!!!"
At that point, even I had to admit that Cheese had hit some kind of weord lucky streak...
"See, I told ya, Luny. Thanks, Foodha!"
Unluckily for me.
[DAY 397]
A few nights later, I came home to find that Cheese's obsession with the chip had reached a whole new level.
"Ooooooohm, how I've praised you, Foodha chip, ooooooooohm." he hummed.
"Uh, what are you doing?" I uttered. "Are you praying to the chip now?"
"I'm not praying, I'm PAYING." Cheese nodded. "With respect. I asked for world peace, and a new party cannon."
Now, I'm no scholar on the subject, but I was pretty sure that's not how Foodhism worked. But, his excuse is that he's not a Foodhist, but a Foodh-ish.
Praying, paying respect, call it what you want.
It was weird as hell.
But if that's as far as it went, I could've lived with it.
[DAY 399]
In the coming days, Cheese got more and more fixated on that damn chip, until one morning, it got downright ridiculous.
"Honey, stop!"
He was about to shave his head and go full Foodha.
"This is just a potato chip, okay?" I huffed. "Deep fried, packed with sodium and it probably has a shelf life of up to 75 years."
"But, Lun-"
"Pray to your chip all you want, that's fine. But the mane STAYS, got it?"
"Okie dokie lokie."
But while I managed to keep him from going full Foodhist monk, Cheese was determined to ruin my morning anyway.
"Now, if you get changed, we can make it to the store in time to get same-day delivery."
"....."
The hope was to buy the new refrigerator we desperately needed from the money Cheese got from the scratch-offs. But the path of enlightenment...
"We can't do that yet." Cheese winced.
Kicked me right in the ass.
"All the money's tied up til Sunday."
"W-What do you mean 'tied up'?"
"I placed all the money in a series of bets for this weekend's buckball games. I can't lose!"
I. Was. FURIOUS.
My patience with Foodha Cheese and his stupid chip was running out fast.
[DAY 400]
The next day, I went to see my mother, who's also my hairdresser.
"Barbecue?" she muttered.
"Sea salt and vinegar." I stated.
"I see."
She didn't know much about potato chips. But she always knows alot about anypony. And I hoped she could help me.
"Lunestia, if he thought he found a good luck, great. Anything to get that guy out of a funk."
"Okay, so if believing in the chip makes Cheese happy, then there's no reason to discourage him?"
"Exactly. Eventually, he'll see it's just a regular chip."
Mom made me think that there was no harm in Cheese's new take on life. After all, he won the 500 bits. So technically, it was his to spend.
I thought, heck, maybe the bets would pay off.
[DAY 403]
By the time the weekend rolled around, I was feeling better about the whole situation. Yeah, I had a glass-encased snack in my living room, so what?
But then-
CRASH!!!
It happened.
I had accidentally broken Cheese's chip. He was gonna be home soon, so I had to act fast. I thought how hard could it be to make a chip look like a big, round, fat guy?
Harder than you'd think.
"Ugh, this kinda looks like Al Horse." I groaned.
But it was on my third potato and my fourth glass of wine when I finally made one I thought might pass.
"Howdy there, Luny." Cheese chimed. "How was your day?"
"G-Good, good. It was good."
"Well, I've won every single game in my bet, if Appleloosa wins this one, it's 2,500 bits!"
"Oh, wow."
I really thought maybe he wouldn't notice.
"Time to pay my respects."
But......no such karma.
"L-Luny......d-did you touch my Foodha chip?" he stuttered.
"Why would I touch your Foodha chip?"
"This is not my Foodha chip."
"Are you sure?"
"Are you kidding me? Look at it, it's the spitting image of Al Horse!"
Racked with guilt, I finally confessed.
"You pulled the ol' switcheroo?" Cheese gasped.
"I'm sorry, I-I panicked! I'm sorry, it was an accident."
To make matters worse, Cheese's luck immediately took a sharp turn.
He lost 2,500 bits and he was crushed. I hated to see him that way. Although, I figured the whole Foodha insanity was over.
[DAY 406]
A few days later, I was surprised to see a deliverymare leaving our house. I couldn't imagine what Cheesy could have ordered.
"Cheese?"
Considering, in the last 48 hours, he had lost his job AND Boneless again, who had a bad run-in with a cart...
Yeesh.
"Oh, good." Cheese said. "Honey, you're home, I could use some help."
I should have seen it coming.
"W-What is all the- CHEESE!!!"
He had bought 1,000 bits worth of potato chips. But that wasn't even the worst part.
"How did you afford all of this?!" I hollered.
"Oh, I put it on your credit card." he stated. "Don't worry, I'm gonna pay it all back once we find a new chip! Does this look like Princess Celestia to you?"
It was official. Cheese has boarded the crazy train.
"Luny, could you grab me a jar?"
Lunestia hasn't eaten a potato chip since dumping Cheese.
Cheese Sandwich later found a pretzel that resembled Gandhoof. He took it to Las Pegasus and lost his life savings at the slot machines.
Name's Tony, Italian human and music lover of Equestria.
Back then, my pal, Cheerilee and I fulfilled our dream of opening our own record store. I called it......'Chicks with Discs'.
I know, ol' Cheerie didn't like it either, but at the time, it seemed funny to me, okay?
Bottom line, we both loved music. And my personal favorite was the 'Morning Disc Jockey, DJ PON-3'.
At that time, I was completely obsessed with trying to win one of their calling contests, to no avail. I listened to her every day.
Guess you could say I had a bit of a voice crush.
[DAY 1]
The next day, Cheerilee and I were working at the store where her favorite DJ, the afternoon guy was on.
"It's 3:45 and it's scorching hot out there, my ponies. the raspy voice stated on the radio. "But don't you worry, Uncle Scratchy's got the tools to CHILL."
"Ooh, I really love his voice." Cheerilee swooned.
"Oh, please, Scratchy?" I scoffed. "He sounds like he belongs in an iron lung."
"Scratchy's been on the radio for 20 years now, Tony." "Sure, but DJ PON-3 just sounds so.....sensual."
"Hey, I'm with you." a white coated mare waved. "She sounds so much sexier." "See, Cheerie?" I snickered. "The customer is always right."
"Whatever." she grunted.
The mare seemed familiar for some reason but I couldn't place her.
"I don't know if you should be admitting you find her voice sexy." I said. "I think, in this case, I'm probably allowed." she uttered.
"Why?"
"'Cuz I kinda am......her."
"W-Wait, your DJ PON-3?"
"Caller #10 with the correct answer shall get FRONT row tickets to AB CD!"
That's why she seemed so familiar.
"Oh my God, it's her! Cheerie, come quick, it's actually HER!"
I.......might've freaked out a bit.
I just couldn't believe DJ PON-3 was at my store.
"You guys got good taste, some of these records you can't even FIND anymore." she said impressed.
"T-Thanks, I'm a total classic rock god."
"Heh, a guy after my own heart."
We spent the next hour talking about music. And then...
[DAY 4]
We went out to dinner. Had a good time, learned her name was Vinyl Scratch, until she decided to give me something interesting...
"This is the alternate calling number." she stated, scribbling on a note. "Use this if you wanna get tickets. Much better luck with that."
"Wow, that's tight, thanks!" I laughed.
Vinyl was a very cool girl. She told me a few insane stories.
"You seriously got to meet Odd Al?"
"Are you kidding me, that guy owes me 10 bits."
She was funny, she was awesome, and yes, we headed to her place on the first date...
Guess I was better at playing records than at playing hard to get.
[DAY 15]
Vinyl and I have started seeing each other alot. And I've been dying for a chance to use that secret calling number she gave me.
"Where did the 'Tumbling Boulders' get their name from?" Vinyl asked on the radio.
It worked. I had actually got through, I was finally gonna get on the air.
"You're on the air." the voice chimed. "Who am I talking to?"
"H-Hi, yo it's Tony." I stuttered.
"Nice to meet you, Tony. Do you have the answer?"
"No, it's TONY. You know, from a certain little record store downtown?"
"Well, TONY from a certain little record store downtown, can you tell me where the 'Tumbling Boulders' get their name from?"
It wasn't the response I had hoped for. She acted like she didn't even KNOW who I was.
"I-It's a 'Murky Waters' song." I sighed.
"That's correct! You've just won two tickets to the BOULDERS."
I was just confused. I couldn't understand why she hadn't acknowledge me. A little on-air wink, a shout out to the record store, nothing.
It was weird as hell.
But, it didn't stop her from waltzing in like none of that happened.
"Hey, but winner!" she chortled. "Good for you, the BOULDERS, right? Bet the seats are gonna be awesome!"
"Yeah, sounds great."
"Uh oh, what's the matter?"
"When I got on the air with you, why did you treat me like a total stranger?"
"Oh, I'm sorry." she winced. "We should probably talk about this. If you're a friend or relative of the DJ, you can't win prizes. Pretended I didn't know you so you wouldn't be disqualified. It's my job, Tones."
"Oh, I-I guess that makes sense."
"Lemme make it up to you, why don't I give you a private tour of the radio station?"
"Really? That sounds cool!"
"Great, let's meet there, say.......midnight?"
"Why so late?"
"After midnight, we'd have the place to ourselves."
I had never seen the inside of a radio station before and thought with just the two of us there, it seemed really exciting. And it kind of was...
Just not in the way I hoped.
We hung out there for a while, fooled around for a bit, but then......that's when things got really weird.
"Quick, get down!" Vinyl hissed, dragging me to the floor and cutting the lights before a flashlight shined past the door and disappeared. "That was close." she panted.
I thought it was funny, the idea of getting caught in her office. But the look on Vinyl's face, it was pure FEAR. She was the star of the radio station, but the reputation of being pretty wild.
Something wasn't right.
[DAY 16]
"Tony, have you ever asked her if she was with anypony else?" Cheerilee asked.
"No, whatchu trying to say here?"
"Think about it, when she pretended not to know you on the air-"
"I told you there was a reason for that."
"It just doesn't make any sense. And I hate to say this, but maybe she IS involved and she doesn't wanna get caught with another guy."
The more Cheerie spoke, the more suspicious I got. But, before I was going to accuse Vinyl for anything, I needed more info.
The next day, I got it.
[DAY 17]
Two stallions were in the shop while Vinyl was on the air. It was obvious that they were fans like me.
Well.......not EXACTLY like me, but still.
"She's an awesome mare, right?" one of them chuckled. "Her husband is a friend of mine."
Her WHAT?
"Excuse me," I cut in. "D-Did you say you know the DJ?"
"Yeah?" he uttered.
"As in THE DJ PON-3?"
"Yeah, why?"
"N-No reason."
I was shocked.
"Cacca, Vinyl has a husband."
"Sweet Celestia." Cheerilee groaned.
"Hey, hey, hey, we're back!" Vinyl's voice played on the radio. "The music is booming and the food is sizzlin' downtown, come on down and say hello."
".......I'm gonna take off for a while. Watch the store, Cheer."
Vinyl told me she was doing a local fundraiser broadcasting all morning from a restaurant downtown. I thought THAT was my perfect chance for revenge. I just didn't know exactly how. I figured I could come up with something when I got there.
BAD idea.
"Who's ready to ROCK?!"
I was so mad, I was seeing red, which is probably why I couldn't see things very clearly. I stomped up there, snatched that damn microphone up and spoke my mind.
"DJ PON-3 in the morning is a cheating son of a BITCH!" my voice echoed.
The audience was in total shock. And so was I when I finally got my head together.
The DJ mare beside me wasn't Vinyl.
But as I was being escorted off stage, I finally found the pony I was looking for.
"Vinyl, who's this guy." the DJ asked.
Later, I found out Vinyl was a radio station INTERN, who dreamed of being a DJ but stammered when she got in front of a live microphone.
She had this gift of doing incredible impersonations and I completely fell for it. Of COURSE she knew the secret calling number, she worked at the goddamn station. And she monitored the radio all day, every day so she could know exactly what to say.
"You've been lying to me this whole time?!" I grunted. "Why are you carrying me away, SHE'S the crazy one!"
"Sorry, Tones." she winced.
Vinyl Scratch (fake DJ PON-3) got fired from the station. She's now a stand-up comedian and lives in a wagon.
I'm Kura Raibana, stallion pegasus and aspiring DJ.
My friend Jeff Letrotski was in the bowling league and, one night he asked if I could sub for one of his teammates who'd just quit. I haven't bowled since I was eight, but I guess I had a hidden talent for it that I didn't expect. Jeff and his other teammates on the other hoof.....
Not so much.
They weren't the best on the league, but I didn't care. I wanted to help a friend out and maybe have a little fun.
"Woo! Who's the best griffon in this league?" someone shouted. "THIS one!"
"Hey, who's that?" I asked.
"That's Gilda, my dude." Jeff nodded. "She's the best bowler in the league. Everyone calls her the 'Her-minator'."
"Please tell me you didn't come up with that name."
As terrible as the nickname was, she could really bowl. And she was cute.
Kinda loud, but cute.
I didn't really hinted to stay after the game, but when I spotted Gilda at the snack bar, I figured I'd stick around.
"Hey, you were pretty enthusiastic out there." she said.
"Y-You saw that, huh?" I chuckled.
"I like to keep an eye on the competition."
"So how was I?"
".......meh."
Didn't have a problem with a little criticism, so I'm used to others being a little blunt. And I think that's one of the reasons why I fell for Gilda.
"Guess I'll never top the 'Her-minator'." "Ugh, I absolutely HATE that name."
"Heh, I'm Kura."
"Name's Gilda."
We talked for a while and she seemed like this really cool, down to earth kinda griffon, so I thought I'd try to impress her with something I was good at.
"Well, you may be a legend at bowling. How are you at pool?"
That was probably a mistake.
She beat me there mercilessly.
"I see.........that answered my question." I huffed.
"Whataya say we make this next game a little more interesting?" she said with a cocky smirk.
"What do you have in mind?"
"I win, you take me out for some grub."
"And if I win?"
"You.......GET to take me out for some grub."
"Rack 'em up then."
So, yeah, she beat me again, but it didn't matter. All of a sudden, subbing in for bowling that night seemed to be the best decision of my life.
[DAY 16]
Gilda and I started seeing each other alot. She was really competitive, but mostly in a fun, harmless kinda way. Most of the mares I've dated never drank cider, watch sports or even know what heckling meant. Hanging out with Gilda was like hanging out with the guys.
Except that she was a gorgeous griffon.
[DAY 17]
By that point, we've been dating for a few weeks and I was back at the bowling alley on Jeff's team again. After we finished a game, we stuck around and watched Gilda and her team play.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Gilda hollered. "WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT?! THOSE WERE THREE GUTTEE BALLS YOU JUST DID!"
"What the hell?" I muttered.
"BOWLING IS BUCKING LIFE!!!"
"Pfft, that's nothing." Jeff scoffed. "She's letting him off easy."
Competitive was one thing, but she looked like she was gonna rip this guy's head off.
"I don't know, Jeff, it's like she's a different griffon here."
"WINNING IS EVERYTHING! TAKE YOUR BALL SACK AND GO HOME!!!"
Maybe Jeff was onto something.
That night...
"Kura, I don't know why you're making SUCH a big deal about this."
"Because it's kind of a BIG deal, G." I sighed. "You treat this league like it's life or death, but it's really just a game."
I thought she would apologize immediately. But she was still fired up, even when we got home!
"Do you think I'm the only griffon who takes this seriously?" she growled. "I have seen teams reduced to TEARS in this league. It's not a joke."
"That has nothing to do with you."
"But you-"
"Or US."
If Gilda and I were gonna make this work, I needed to know that this was not gonna be an issue. Probably because I was afraid one day that temper might be aimed at me.
"Look, I like you alot."
"I like you alot, too."
"But if I'm honest, I'm a little worried how you'll handle losing. It's frightening."
".....I know." she sighed. "Sometimes I flip out. I guess I'll........work on that a little."
"Ahem..."
"Ugh, okay, ALOT."
I figured that was the end of uber competitive Gilda. And for a while, it was.
[DAY 28]
The next time we were at the bowling alley, I kept a close eye on her. I could tell it was hard for her, but she was actually being a good sport. And I was pretty impressed, especially because Gary, her griffon teammate, was SO bad.
[DAY 31]
A few days later, Gary got kicked out of the league. Apparently, he was rubbing sandpaper on the bottom of his bowling ball, which makes it grip the lane better or something.
I couldn't believe they'd even check for something like that.
How the hell do you get caught?
"Now we have no shot at the title!"
"Gilda, it'll be fine, you could just replace him, right?" "With WHO? Every other decent player are already on another team.......unless..."
As soon as she said that, I knew I was screwed.
"Come on, you're such a good bowler, you could totally help us win." she snickered. "I-I just don't think that's such a great idea."
"Please?"
Up until then, I refused getting involved with the league, but she was my griffriend. How could I say no?
"Alright, I'm in."
"Yes, SCORE!!!"
It seemed harmless.
[DAY 52]
I've been playing on her team for a few weeks and we were the one's to beat. We made it all the way to the playoffs and we were one game away from the championship. And throughout our entire run, I didn't notice one minute of the old ultra competitive Gilda.
She was just having fun.
But, then again, we were winning.
[DAY 54]
The night before the championship, it felt like things couldn't have been better. Yeah, I was looking forward to the game, but what I was more excited about was my relationship with Gilda.
But then......there could've been a valid reason for Gilda to have sandpaper at her house. But it was way too coincidental, my mind started racing.
Could she actually have set up her teammate and have him kicked put of the league so that I could replace him?
Was she capable of being THAT manipulative?
[DAY 55]
It was finally the championships, I came into the alley right after work and Gilda was already there. I was up all night thinking about her and the sandpaper.......and then I had an idea.
I was gonna bowl like crap.
On purpose.
Here was my plan:
I had to see if Gilda had really changed, or if she was using me.
"Hey, you okay?" she asked.
"Uh.....sure." I uttered.
"'Sure'? Get your head in the game."
The championship was the best out of three games. So, I thought throw the first one, get my answer, then come back and win. That was the plan. But, I guess I haven't thought of it well enough.
Frame after frame, I threw nothing but duds, but Gilda still kept her cool. The better she bowled, the worse i had to bowl.
"That's okay." she clapped awkwardly. "Y-You'll get it next time."
I gotta tell you, she was really keeping it together. Eventually, I started thinking I might've been overthinking things and was totally wrong about her.
By the time we lost the first game, I felt like a complete jackass for throwing it.
"Gilda, I-I'm so sorry."
She worked really hard for this and I was screwing it up because of a stupid hunch.
"It's fine, maybe you need a new ball or something." she stated.
"Y-Yeah, that could be it."
Then, when I go to reach for a ball...
"This is for the TEAM!"
THUD!!!
After that, I had my answer about Gilda.
But, it turns out I was wrong about a couple of things.
That sandpaper? She never used it to set up Gary, he just started cheating because he couldn't take anymore of Gilda's rants. Also, Gilda wasn't using me. She actually liked me, but when she saw me slipping under the pressure of the championship, she completely LOST it.
I couldn't prove Gilda knocked me unconscious, so she got a sub, won the last two games and finally got the championship trophy.
Hey, I know I played a part in this by throwing the game, but she nearly CRACKED MY SKULL with a bowling ball!!!
Kura eventually married a synchronized swimmer; a sport that doesn't allow stallions.
Gilda went on to win the league trophy an unprecedented seven times.
She had to forfeit all seven trophies after the league found out she was doping.
I'm Nyemic Inferno, nerdy earth human of Equestria.
I work as an artist, but my whole life, I've always wanted to write and draw comics, specifically superhero comics. But my biggest problem was I couldn't come up with my first great hero. I just couldn't quite figure out what I wanted him to be or what he looked like.
Limestone had been witnessing my frustration for the entire year that we were dating.
"You still struggling on that thing?" she grunted.
"I-I just need to come up with something GREAT, ya know?" I sighed.
She moved in with me after only three months of being together because she.....kinda got into a lot of debt. But she'd never let her financial problems affect us, even though she had to work a night shift at the diner to help pay off her balance.
Which she absolutely HATED.
"I think you should put down your pencils, and take me out tonight." Limestone nodded. "Let's go to the movies, I'll even see that new 'Pretenders' film."
"........you mean the 'Revengers'?"
Keep in mind Limestone knew literally nothing about the comic book world and she couldn't have cared less, really. But, I'm convinced that that trip to the theater was fate.
"I know you're not big into comic book movies, but you have to admit that was pretty awesome." I chuckled.
"It was fun." Limestone shrugged.
After two hours of action and explosions, we were walking in the alley behind the movie theater, taking a shortcut to the house when-
"GIVE ME THE POUCH, LADY!"
Now, all I saw was a knife and my life flashing before my eyes. But, out of nowhere-
"BACK OFF!!!" Limestone barked.
POW! SMACK! CRASH!!!
Limestone went full on Amazon warrior. She beat the guy unconscious with her pouch.
"W-What was that?" I wheezed.
"I........I-I don't know." she panted. "Just happened, I can't explain it."
"That was the most amazing thing I've seen in my whole life!"
For the first time, I had been waiting for inspiration. And in that crazy moment, I finally found it.
[DAY 382]
When we got home from the movie, Limestone went to sleep, but I never made it to bed.
"Hey, you worked all night?"
"Limey, I would like to introduce you to..........'Double DANGER Mare'!!!" I exclaimed.
I had created a female superhero.
Based on my marefriend.
"Is this me?" she asked.
"Yeah."
I was excited. Female superheroes were becoming popular. I figured I had just struck comic gold.
If only I knew how crazy it was gonna make Limey.
[DAY 432]
Six weeks later, I had the first issue ready to go. Shortly after, I got some good news: a big comic book publisher had agreed to distribute 'Double Danger Mare' and wanted me to do a publicity tour. The catch?
They wanted Limestone to be involved.
She was less than enthusiastic, but a few days later, we had our first signing at my pal, Whooves's comic shop. From across the room, I noticed Limey actually checking out some comics.
"Whatcha looking at?"
"Artwork on this one looks pretty cool." Limestone nodded. "Although, I think it's labeled wrong. The sticker says it's 50 bits."
"Uh, that's the correct price there." Whooves stated.
"50 bits for a comic?"
"Ha, that's nothing. The really rare ones sell for a 1,000."
"What?! That's crazy. Who'd pay that much?"
"The fans." I stated. "You see that group of ponies out there? They're all here for you."
The moment I said that to her, EVERYTHING about her attitude changed.
She was RAKED with the fans and they loved her. She even seemed excited to show of the shirt I got her. It was like seeing some dormant alter ego come bubbling to the surface, and she was really working it. She set up a fan club AND hosted chat rooms for Double Danger Mare fans.
In the days that followed, she became completely committed to the comic series.
"What the buck?!"
"Limey, what is it?"
"Some big jerkwad said Double Danger Mare would get her ass kicked by Wonder Windigo!" she huffed. "I gotta set that guy STRAIGHT!"
REALLY committed.
"Dear, how about you tear yourself away from your fans for a moment, I could show you the pages for my next issue." I said.
"Buck yeah, lemme see that!"
"So, what do you think?"
"........no. No, no, this is ALL wrong."
But, slowly, I started noticing something.
"The Skull Cracker knocks me unconscious and throws me in a DUNGEON?"
"Yeah, it's a cliffhanger. It's explained in another issue."
"Yeah, but until it comes out, everypony's gonna think I'm weak!"
The line between Limestone and her comic character seemed to be blurring. She even started slipping into the character's voice.
It was cute......sort of. But I was concerned that she was getting a little carried away.
[DAY 440]
A few nights later, I came home from the movies, but it looked like Limestone hadn't gone home from work yet.
"Limey, you home?" I called out.
"HIYAH!!!"
"Yikes!"
Turns out, she was just.......hiding.
"Yes, it worked!" she cheered.
"What the buck was that?!" I panted, riding to my hooves.
"It was the 'Throw of Shadows'! I learned it in my ninjutsu class."
"What are you talking about, what is ninjutsu?"
"It is a deadly art of the NINJA. Tonight was my first class and it was awesome, they teach you how to be invisible......and ATTACK!"
At that point, all I could think was:
Who is this mare? And what has she done to my Limey?
"Why on Equestria would you do that?" I grunted.
"I thought it'd be cool if I showed off some sweet moves at my next appearance. Show that Double Danger Mare really is a badass."
"Ughhh."
"Nye, what's the matter?"
"I think you hurt my shoulder."
I know this may sound crazy, but I was worried Limestone might be losing it a little. She was starting to act like she really believed she was Double Danger Mare.
[DAY 441]
The next day, I was doing some laundry when I noticed something.....odd.
In the closet was a Double Danger Mare costume.
"Pretty cool, right?"
"Limestone!" I gasped.
"Oh, did I scare you?" she snickered.
"I-I'm fine. Uh......where did you get this?"
"I made it, I thought I could wear it at signings and conventions."
- Talking in the voice of the character. - Taking secret ninja classes. - A superhero uniform in the closet.
Something was definitely up.
And then, I spotted it.
"The sleeve's ripped." I stated.
"I know, it got caught on a hook." she nodded. "I need to fix it."
Caught on a hook? Or slashed with a knife?
This all added up to one undeniable conclusion.
"You've concluded that your marefriend is roaming the streets as a costumed crime fighter?" Whooves ponders.
I knew it sounded nuts, but there was a crime wave in our neighborhood. And I wondered if that might have sparked it.
"A lot of weird stuff is has been going on Limestone." I sighed. "Do you know what this means?"
"That she's one free-spirited lass." Whooves utters.
"Don't play, I'm afraid she's gonna run into the wrong ponies and do something stupid."
"I'm pretty sure the possibility of that happening is extremely slim. If she was a guy, possibly, but mares are too sensible to do something so-"
"Insane?"
"Correct."
Whooves wasn't buying it, but I was convinced that Limestone was trying to be a superhero. So that night, I stopped by the diner to see if she was really going there every night.
But, they told me she hadn't been at work for over THREE weeks!
Now, I was positive.
My marefriend had officially lost it, and was roaming the streets fighting crime. So I quickly got Whooves to help me look for her.
"How much longer are we going to be searching, chap?" he sighs.
"Until we find her." I huffed. "I don't know how long this can take."
But just as we were heading into a bad neighborhood...
BEEP BEEP!!! BEEP BEEP!!! a device on Whooves goes off.
"Oh no." he winced.
"What is it?"
"There's been so many break ins, I've installed some sensors in the store. Somepony's breaking in right now!"
We raced right over to Whooves's store.
And there she was.
"Heyyyyyyy..." Limestone chuckled sheepishly, carrying a bag. "What are you guys doing out so late?"
And it all came together.
Once Limestone realized how much money there was in the comic world, she started gathering intel on all our followers through the promotional signings. She took advantage of a recent crime wave and started breaking into her fans' homes to steal as much comic swag as she could find.
And finally, she went for the motherload: Whooves's store. Limey figured if she could sell all that stuff, then she could pay off all her debt.
So she wouldn't have to work at that diner anymore.
"C-Can we just forget all of this had happened?" Limestone stutters.
"Uh, do you hear the sirens?" I said annoyed.
"Aww, just cover for me, please?"
"How are we even supposed to do that?"
"J-Just tell them that you actually stumbled into the REAL thief a-and he kicked your flanks and got away!"
"We don't even have any cuts or bruises."
POW!!!
"AH!"
And that's how Limestone Pie became the one that got away...
Almost.
The police eventually caught up to Limestone and she has a new secret identity:
Inmate #36A74.
Nyemic Inferno discontinued Double Danger Mare. His next comic was also a hit...
I had been dating Diamond Tiara for about four months when I decided to break it off. She was attractive and sweet, but she just flat-out didn't GET me.
"Oh, Deep, I've got a surprise for you." Diamond hummed.
At all.
"You. Look. ADORABLE." she squeed, staring at an ugly, glittery sweater clinging to my body.
She meant well and I hated the idea of hurting her. But the longer I waited, the worse it was going to get.
So finally, I just ended it.
[DAY 124]
Or at least I thought I had.
A week later, there she was at my front door.
"Hi, Deepy." she sighed awkwardly. "I know this is sudden, but I needed to talk to you face-to-face."
With a very unusual request.
"It's my cousin, Duke. He's getting married here."
"And...?" I asked.
"I......need you to go to the wedding with me and pretend we never broke up."
Apparently, Tiara had already told her whole family about me and she was too embarrassed to show up alone.
"I'll be ridiculed by my family! Please, help me out this once?"
I should've said no bucking way.
But part of me still felt bad about breaking up with her. So instead, I said-
"Okay, I'll go."
"Oh, thank you, THANK you!" she cheered.
Honestly, I figured at worst, I was in for a boring weekend of schmoozing Tiara's relatives from the old country. My mindset was: just get through the next two nights and the wedding on Sunday, then you're home free.
What could go wrong?
[DAY 128]
"Everypony, this is Deep." Tiara chimed.
It was a sea of snooty relatives kissing me, greeting me like I was a celebrity or something. And I couldn't understand a word anypony was saying with their complicated vocabulary.
That's when I met Tiara's father.
"This is daddy." Diamond giggled.
"It's a pleasure to meet you- SIR!" I grunted before the guy wrapped his arm around mine tightly without uttering a word. "T-That's quite a grip you got there."
It was like shaking hooves with a grizzly bear.
Just when I was feeling about as uncomfortable and out of place as a pony can feel-
"Deep, how's it going!"
I met the groom.
"Thank you for coming, my brother!" Duke chortled before pulling me into a hug.
"Ha, you're speaking my language." I chuckled.
He seemed like a really nice guy. And it was a relief to meet somebody I could understand. I started thinking, okay, maybe if I stick with Duke, he'll be able to get me through this ridiculous experience.
We were just having a drink and joking around.
Until I spotted it.
"That's an......interesting tattoo on your hoof there, Duke." I uttered.
"This?" he asked. "It's just a symbol of a club I belong to back in Trottingham."
"What kinda club?"
"......like a social club."
Then I noticed that all the stallions in Tiara's family, including her father, had the same tattoo as Duke.
"So, uh, what do you do?"
"I work for the government....and a few other things. Mainly with my cousins over there, Chump Change and Bill. I've been a big shot in the government for many years."
"What did you do for the government?"
".......can't say."
The more we talked, the more it sounded like Tiara's family might have some connections to the criminal underworld. After that strange conversation with Duke, I was suddenly concerned about what might happen if anypony found out I wasn't dating Diamond Tiara anymore.
Later that night, I tried to get more info about her family.
"So, Tiara," I said. "Duke told me he and your dad work for the government."
"Duke talks too much sometimes." she shrugs.
"But what did he mean by that?"
"I don't feel like talking about what my family does."
For the record, a pony gets WAY scarier when no one will tell you what they do for a living. Especially when you've broken up with that pony's daughter.
"So.....once the weekend is over and we are no longer a couple, what's your plan for getting out of this?"
"I'll just say......it wasn't working." Tiara nods. "It's a real shame though. My family already likes you alot. They're going to be very disappointed."
Tiara HAD to have known that I wasn't going to get back together with her, so why was she being so manipulative?
And what was actually going on with her folks?
[DAY 129]
The next morning, I went on a run to clear my head, reminding myself that I only had one day to go.
"Deepy, there you are." Tiara said, trotting up to me with Duke.
But that last day...
"What is it, is there a problem?" I asked.
"BIG problem." Duke sighed.
Was gonna be a long one.
"Penny Pincher, my best stallion is in the hospital."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"But, with no best stallion, I was hoping you'd fill in for him, Deep."
"Me?"
I barely knew Duke, but saying no didn't really seem like an option.
"Sure." I uttered.
"Deep, you're the BEST!" Duke laughed.
It just seemed like the less I wanted to do with Tiara and her family, the more they kept pulling me in.
Believe it or not, the bachelor party ended up being kind of a blast. I figured, just get me through to the end of the night and the ceremony tomorrow without anything else weird happening.
"Hey, Deep, having a good time?" Duke asked.
"The best." I slurred.
"Glad to hear it, cuz I have a favor to ask you."
No such luck.
"O-Okay, what is it?"
"I have a package I need to give you. Need to get it to some ponies, VERY important ponies, Deep. Must stay top secret, get me?"
If I hadn't been so drunk, who knows what I would've said? But I was.
"Sure." I chuckled. "Anything for my boy, Duke."
"That's what I like to hear!"
And once I agreed to help Duke, it was like some kinda signal to Daddy Rich, who just pats me on the back with a hearty chuckle before leaving.
"You just got the PAT." Duke gasped.
"W-What does that mean?"
"It means you're one of us now. That's an invitation for which the only answer is yes."
I had half a bottle of cider in me when a country stallion, who I assumed had killed guys before, invited me into his family...
What would you have said?
To this day, I still don't remember a THING that happened after that.
[DAY 130]
The next morning, I woke up with the WORST hangover of my life. I was totally out of it.
Until I saw my hoof.
"......oh no."
I was branded with the same tattoo the rest of Tiara's family had. I felt like I was in WAY over my head. I've just been RECRUITED.
Just as I was trying to figure out how I was going to get myself out of this mess-
KNOCK KNOCK!!!
Duke showed up.
"Deep, you're not ready yet?" he asked.
"U-Uh, I'm just, uh, getting dressed. I'll meet you downstairs."
"Oh, I'll wait here for you. We'll walk down together."
Part of me wanted to make a run for it, but I was terrified about what they would do to me if I got caught.
So there I was, standing at the alter, the best stallion of a criminal mastermind, not knowing if I should be more worried about being coltnapped or the FBI storming into that wedding.
Suddenly...
"It's better this way, Deep." Duke uttered. "Don't fight it."
Duke pushed me into his spot. There, I found myself staring at Diamond Tiara.
In a wedding gown.
Turns out, it wasn't Duke's wedding after all.
It was MINE.
"No!" I shouted. "I will not spy for you, do you understand me?"
"What are you talking about?" the priest asked.
"This whole family's a criminal empire!"
"Diamond Tiara's family owns a trendy clothing store in Trottingham. Where'd this whole spy mumbo jumbo come from?"
Tiara's family weren't criminals.
That 'social club' Duke mentioned? That was actually the REAL family business. Filthy Rich owned a clothing company in Trottingham. That sweater Tiara bought for me was actually one of his.
And those tattoos on every stallion?
Those were just the company logo.
Tiara just WANTED me to think her family was extremely dangerous so I would be too afraid not to marry her. She asked her cousin, Duke, to help with the plan.
And Duke played the part perfectly.
I ran out of there as fast as my hungover brain could let me manage, and I never looked back.
"Deepy?" Tiara gasped. "You can't leave! Deepy, I promise we can make this work! I'd make a GREAT wife!"
Diamond Tiara moved to Trottingham to work in the family business. She's now in charge of the lingerie line.
My coltfriend, Flash and I had a whirlwind romance. We had moved in together after only three months and had been dating for six. We were really still gettin to know each other, but I was a storybook mare.
I mean, Flash was the first stallion I ever fell in love with. So what he did that night......was like...
"Will you marry me?" he asked, presenting a bulky diamond ring.
A fairytale come true.
"Yes!" I squealed. "This looks so beautiful. This must've cost a fortune, you can't afford this."
"Don't worry about it. You deserve the best."
I was gonna marry Flash, and live happily ever after. We immediately started planning the wedding over dessert.
"Maybe we could keep it simple." I nodded. "Just family and friends, we could have it on the beach!"
"You deserve something bigger." Flash pondered. "How about your parents' country club?"
I honestly didn't care about a big wedding, and......I haven't met his parents yet because everything was moving so fast.
But he met mine once.
And that left an impression.
Later that night, we met up with my parents to show them the ring.
"Oh, congratulations, sweetheart!" father cheered. "Wonderful news." my mother uttered before bursting into tears.
They adored Flash, so I thought they'd be thrilled. But, for some reason, they didn't seem that happy.
"M-Mom, what's the matter?" I asked.
"It's been a trying day, honey." Dad sighed. "Got some bad news about Uncle Trims."
Uncle Trims was my dad's business partner. They managed alot of wealthy client investment accounts.
"Is he okay?"
"We don't know." Mom sobbed. "He left. Took alot of ponies' life savings, including ours."
It was a huge blow. My parents have been talking about retiring to Germaney, but that dream was gone.
"He took all of your money?" Flash said.
"Not all of it, but a good deal of it." Dad uttered.
Even though my parents' golden years had just gone up in smoke, they still wanted to celebrate our engagement. It felt like the perfect distraction to help them get over it.
"Flash, why don't you invite your parents?" Mom asked. "We'd love to meet them."
"Y-Yeah, I guess." he shrugs. "I haven't spoken to them in a while."
Even though I hadn't met Flash's parents, I was surprised to see him act........strangely when they were mentioned.
"I'm not sure they'll be able to make it. They can be......difficult sometimes."
"But we'll ask, right?" I said.
"Of course."
I suspected there was something Flash wasn't telling me. Why would he be so nervous for my family to meet his parents?
But, I decided to give him some time to work it out.
And a few days later, it sounded like he did.
"So, I had a talk with my parents today." he said.
"Are they coming?"
"Yes, they're really excited to meet you and your parents."
"That's great!" I cheered. "So excited."
However, Flash still looked nervous.
"What's wrong?"
"Remember when I said they can be difficult? That's because they're kind of.....eccentric."
Ponies are always embarrassed about parents. But that stuff is usually in their heads.
"E-Eccentric?" I said. "How?"
"Just.....BIG personalities."
I was sure that's what Flash was worried about. Because I created this image in my mind about the first meeting of the families, I refused to believe that anything could go wrong.
As far as I was concerned, this would be the most beautiful weekend ever.
[DAY 188]
My parents arrived first. We showed off the ring, and they were thrilled. I was amazed, they showed NO signs of having just lost almost everything.
Everything was going exactly as I was hoping...
Until Flash's parents arrived.
My first image of his dad was seeing him threaten a passing taxi chariot, but......I was prepared for eccentric. I was still sure the parents would love each other.
"So......how did you two meet?" Mom asked Flash's dad.
"This little lady and I have been attached at the hip ever since I walked into that strip club 28 years ago." he nodded casually.
"I was a waitress there." Flash's mom stated.
"If you wanna call it that."
His mom was a stripper....I actually figured Flash might have mentioned that one.
But I also understood why it would get left out.
"So, uh, your wife tells us that you're in the fashion business?" Dad asked Father Flash.
"Oh yeah, I manufacture and distribute knock-off hoofbags." he answered. "But the good kind, not crap. There's alot of money to be made in top-quality imitation accessories.
"D-Dad, this is not the best time." Flash winced.
"Ohhhh, that's right, you guys got swindled, huh?"
At that point, it seemed obvious why Flash had been so nervous.
"That, uh........pretty well sums it up." Mom sighed.
Luckily, they handled it like a champ.
I breathed a sigh of relief. We made it through the first meeting.
And then it was time for the first meal. We made reservations at our favorite restaurant. The dinner was mostly cordial...
"So, lemme get this straight." Flash's dad said. "This guy told you and these other rich guys that he's gonna make you even richer?"
Keyword: mostly.
"Something like that." Dad sighed.
Flash's dad wouldn't let the financial thing go.
And then......the check came.
"What do you say, should we split this?" Dad asked.
"Ooh, you know what, I left my wallet in my suitcase." Daddy Flash groaned.
This guy actually broke out the alligator arms. My mom and dad are not dumb, and they were not fooled.
Later, when Flash and I got home, I didn't want to make too big a deal out of it, but something had to be said.
"Told you my parents were characters." he said.
"I didn't expect THAT though." I grunted. "Don't be upset, but they were rude."
"I don't think I'd call it rude."
It was strange. He didn't seem to realize just how badly things had gone. Like he was blind to his parents' behavior.
Before we could really discuss it, his parents interrupted from the room next door.
Apparently, they were having.......a nightcap.
That went on all night.
The sounds they made haunt me to this very day.
After keeping everypony in the house awake all night, Flash's parents slept most of the next day. So, Flash and I decided to bring the two families together again for dinner.
This time, at home.
"Misty's a great cook." Flash stated.
"You know what I say, mares should be lambs in the kitchen, and tigers in the bedroom, am I right?" Flash's dad chortles.
"Rawrrr." his mom roars seductively.
"Hey, that's my daughter." Dad muttered.
I could see that my dad was starting to lose his patience with those two. And I kept waiting for Flash to do something, or say something. At least try to reign his parents.
But nothing.
"Misty, your mother and I have something we wanna give you kids for the wedding."
"A check for five thousand bits?!" I exclaimed. "W-We can't take this, it's too much."
Considering everything they had just been through, that money was beyond generous.
"Too much?" Flash's dad scoffed. "It's not enough. Weddings cost a fortune. You got food, flowers-"
"Open bar." Flash's mom chimed.
"Exactly! You're being kinda chintzy here. I mean, don't take it out on the kids just cuz you were silly enough to let somepony steal your money."
That was the final blow.
I couldn't believe he had the gall to say that.
"That's it." Dad grunted. "You two are the rudest, most obnoxious, most vile ponies I've ever met."
I don't think I had ever seen my dad that angry before.
"Honey, we tried, but we can't stand to spend another second in the same room with these two, let alone an entire wedding." Mom hissed. "We won't be there if THEY are."
"Screw these pompous jerks." Flash's mom said. "I don't know what you see in this mare, son. I mean, have you tasted this dinner? She can't even cook."
"That's not fair, mom!" Flash groaned. "She tried her best."
"Ex-CUSE me?!" I exclaimed.
That was the best he could do to defend me?
I was furious. I couldn't believe he just stood by and let his parents act that way. That was when I started thinking....I gotta call off this wedding.
[DAY 190]
The next morning, both families were preparing to leave. The weekend had been a total disaster. I just couldn't believe the wedding that I was so excited about was crumbling.
And that's when I suddenly found a note........addressed to me.
"What the-"
It was from Flash's mom, and it listed all the reasons I was bad for Flash. But that's when something really strange jumped out at me.
There, I knew exactly what I had to do.
Somehow, I coaxed my parents into the same room as Flash's parents one last time.
"Now, I know the relationship between the two families is strained, and maybe it always will be." I stated. "But before you go home, there's just something I have to ask."
I wanted them to witness this.
"Explain to me, how did Flash break his leg as a boy?"
"What?" his mom uttered.
It was a story I had heard a thousand times.
"How'd he hurt his leg?"
Surely, his own mother would know that...
"W-What is this, some kinda inquisition?" she gasps. "I don't have to stand for this."
"Wanna help her, Daddy Flash?" I said.
Or his father.
"Cart accident." he nodded.
"Wrong, he fell down the stairs. These aren't your parents, Flash!"
"How did you find out?" Flash sighed.
I probably wouldn't have, except for that letter.
The letter said Flash S-E-N-T-R-I-E.
What kind of parents don't know how to spell their own son's full name right?
"You hired fake parents?" Mom asked.
"Actors, actually." Flash's 'dad' chimed in a British accent.
Flash was kind of a gold digger.
He thought he'd never have to worry about money again of we got married. But when he thought my parents lost a fortune, he wanted out. So, he hired fake parents in hopes that their trainwreck performance would put an end to our engagement.
"Why couldn't you just mare up and break it off yourself?" I growled.
Then it hit me...
He wanted the ring back.
"That's why you hired fake parents?!"
"Can you blame me?" Flash whined. "I spent every bit I had on it......you're giving it back, right?"
Flash's plan half-worked. I did break up with him...
Right before I donated the ring to a charity auction.
Misty's parents recovered most of their money and two years later threw her a wonderful wedding.
"Oh, be careful with that, Soarin. Those are my dishes."
I'm Schuberry, pegasus mare and lover of music.
Soarin and I had only been dating for about five months before we moved in together. Yeah, I knew it was quick, but we were in love and, at the time it just felt right to me.
"You do know I have dishes, right?" Soarin said.
"Oh, you mean these chipped artifacts we got going on?" I scoffed. "No way. These are going to Goodwill."
Something to keep in mind, though: up until that point, we hadn't slept together yet. To be clear, we did have.......quality time plenty of times. But we never actually slept overnight. In the same bed.
TOGETHER.
"Welp." Soarin sighs. "I gotta get ready for work."
I work from home during the day, and Soarin was the night manager at the rainbow factory. So our schedules were completely out of sync. In the back of my mind, I was kind of hoping that Soarin would get a different job so that we could live like a normal couple.
[DAY 155]
"Hey, how was your day, Soarin?"
"Um........not good." he huffed. "The factory closed."
The place where Soarin worked was turning into luxury condos. And that meant he was out of a job, effective immediately.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do, this sucks."
"Babe, I am so sorry." I said, pulling him into a hug. "But, you know, this might actually be a GOOD thing."
Don't get me wrong, I felt bad for him. Nopony wants to lose their job. But for us, that was what was needed.
"You know you can look for daytime work and get off the night shift."
"Mm, I don't know, dear. I'm kind of a night owl at this point."
Whenever I pressed him to make a change before, he was always nervous. He liked everything just the way it was.
"If we had more time together at night, then we have time for other things." I stated.
"Alright." Soarin said. "Maybe we do need this. I'll do it, it'll be great."
"Eeeeeeee!"
I was thinking 'mission accomplished'. Sometimes you just gotta push to get what you want. It was gonna be our first night sleeping together, like, all night. Soarin broke out the romantic music I like and lit the room up with candles.
"Honey, this is beautiful." I said.
"Well, I wanted our first real night together to be perfect." Soarin nodded.
It was exactly what I had been hoping for. It was beautiful. We enjoyed ourselves...
But then, it was time to sleep.
"Hey, would it be nice to fall asleep to candlelight?" he said as I blew out a few flames in the room.
"Oh, that makes me so uncomfortable." I winced. "When I was young, a candle fell over while me and my cousin were sleeping and it nearly burned the house down."
I hadn't considered what effect this drastic change in Soarin's schedule might have on him.
"I-I'm just gonna d-do some reading. Helps me fall asleep."
But when I dozed off, he was still reading. And when I woke up the next morning, he wasn't in bed.
He was on the couch. ASLEEP.
"Soarin, wake up."
"Huh, what time is it?" he slurred.
"7:30. Why did you come in here?"
"I couldn't sleep. Guess I'm still having trouble adjusting."
"What time did you pass out?"
"I don't know. The sun was coming up and I got sucked into a movie."
He'd only got a few hours of sleep.
"What are your plans for today?" I asked.
"Meeting with a headhunter. Probably a waste of time."
And he was GROU-CHY.
"No, don't say that. I have a friend who used one and she got a great job."
"Well, not getting my hopes up."
I've never seen him like that before. It looked like he was gonna be in a bad mood all day. But, surprisingly, when he came home-
"How did it go?" I said.
"Great." Soarin chuckled. "They loved me."
He was, like........a new stallion.
"Hopefully, something will open up soon, and I'll be a working man again.
He was bright eyed and bushy tailed. I was thinking........how did that happen?
[DAY 159]
Over the next week, this pattern of staying up late-
"Babe, what are you doing?"
Kept going.
"Oh, honey, have you ever read these Yakyakistanian romance novels?" he uttered. "They're ADDICTING!"
Soarin wasn't really trying to snap out of it. He was even downing energy drinks while reading bad, cheesy love stories.
"Soarin, it's 4 in the morning." I stated. "Just come to bed."
"Sure, sure. I just want to see if Ruknard and Yadeeta disobey their parents and run away together."
And he was paying the price for all those late-night sessions.
"Good morning, dear."
"If you say so."
He'd walk around like a.....
"It's Tuesday, right?" he slurred.
"It is Friday."
"Oh............yeah."
Like a ZOMBIE, or something.
Then he'd practically stumble out the door to look for a job all day. And when it wasn't Yak love stories, it was cleaning the basement or doing laundry or......
Ugh, ZOOMBA.
"Soarin!" I yelled. "What the hell?!"
"I was feeling a bit sluggish!" he huffed, dancing to the loud music. "Wanted to get a workout in!"
I flew over to that radio and cut it off.
He was behaving like a crazy pony.
"Are you okay, Soarin? You don't sleep, you're moody as hell, you're here doing ZOOMBA! Should I be concerned?"
"I'm fine. The transition's a little tougher than I thought, but I should be back to normal in no time."
"Are you SURE?"
"Yeah, positive."
By that point, I knew that this wasn't just trouble transitioning. Nopony can go DAYS without sleep.
[DAY 166]
I meet my friend, Cloud Chaser, for lunch every week. Normally we'd just chitchat, but I had to tell her about Soarin's ridiculous behavior.
"Where does he go all day?" she asked.
"He's out looking for work." I grunt.
"Aww, come on. Nopony does that."
"Why do you say that? What are you saying?"
"That sounds like one of my cousins. With the crazy hours, the mood swings. He'd always disappear for days on end and come back a different pony. Turned out he had a drug problem."
"No, he's not that type."
"Well, I didn't think my cousin was either. Besides, can you honestly say you know what 'type' he is?"
I HATED to even consider it, but I couldn't imagine what else it could be.
"So, what do I do?"
"If you ask him, he'll deny it. You gotta follow him and catch him in the act, and then confront him."
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I did what Cloud Chaser said. I was expecting him to lead me to a back alley or a dealer's house. But, instead, he led me to a motel. I was afraid of what I was going to see in there...
But he was just sleeping.
"Soarin, wake up."
"Schuberry!" he gasped. "What are you doing here?!"
"Are you okay? What did you take?"
"Nothing."
"I know you're on drugs."
"W-What? I'm not on drugs. I don't come here to get high.........I come here to sleep."
"Why?"
"Because I can't do it at night. Because.....I'm afraid of the dark."
Of ALL the things I expected my ADULT coltfriend to admit, that was not one of them.
"Seriously?"
"I-It all started when I was a kid. My jerky older brother locked me in a closet for 11 hours. As I've gotten older, it's only gotten worse. That's why I worked at night. Then, once I lost my job, with you working out of the house, I started coming here to get a few hours of sleep."
I was prepared for him to lie about doing drugs. But there is NO WAY that this was a lie. I mean, who would lie about that?
"Well what exactly is it about the dark that scares you so much?" I asked.
"...........monsters."
Monsters.
I know. A part of me DID want to break it off with him right then and there, but I didn't want to be the type of girl who abandons their coltfriend when he needed me most.
"I'm not going anywhere. We're gonna work through this together, okay?"
So I decided to help him with his problem. But where do you BEGIN helping an ADULT overcome their fear of the dark?
[DAY 180]
I went searching DEEP in the libraries all around town for answers. And, believe it or not, I found a support group.
For adults.
"A-And even though I was three, I remember it like it was yesterday." one of the members stuttered. "W-We were playing peekaboo. My hooves were over my eyes. But then, one day I peeked and nopony was there and I never saw my dad again."
It was.......a strange collection of ponies, let me tell you. But Soarin really seemed to appreciate me being there for that first meeting. Suddenly, the lights in the room flickered about and everypony, including Soarin, nearly had a panic attack.
"Hey, it's okay." the group's leader says calmly. "It's an old building, alright? That's what the glow sticks are for."
After that first session, Soarin started going to that group three times a WEEK.
[DAY 185]
"You're lying in a beautiful field at dusk. As the sun goes down, you feel warm and protected."
Back at home, we even tried some relaxing visualization techniques the group leader recommended.
"The darker it gets, the more peaceful you feel." I continued. "Because there is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light, except sleep. And all is well. You're safe....."
Then, as I slowly began to dim the lights-
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
The police arrived 10 minutes later. They had gotten reports of a 'terrified little girl screaming'.
I had to lie and say we were watching a movie.
A few days later, I met up with Cloud Chaser again. I told her how nothing was working, and how Soarin was still sleeping at the hotel during the day.
"I may have a solution." she stated. "A friend of mine is getting her doctorate in psychology at the university, and I was telling her what you were going through and she said her department was just got funding for a new sleep study. I told her about Soarin and she got excited and said a stallion in his condition would be a perfect candidate."
"That would be amazing!" I cheered. "This could save our relationship."
It was the best news I'd heard in a while. I was so excited to tell him, I just went straight to the hotel.
"Soarin? Time to wake up."
As I pulled the covers from the edge of the bed, I saw his hooves resting next to something.......off.
"You gotta be bucking kidding me. WAKE UP!"
Up from under the sheets jumped Soarin and some random white mare. It took me a second to recognize her, but it was that 'Peekaboo' chick from his crazy support group.
"I-It just happened!" Soarin stutters. "W-We got friendly in group and I ran into her here and.......we decided to share a room to save bits, then one thing led to another...it's the best sleep I've ever had."
I had stuck by that scared-of-the-dark little bitch through it all, and that's the thanks I got.
I'm not proud of what I did next. But...
"You two can have each other." I huffed, closing the curtains and heading for the light switch.
"Y-You wouldn't." Soarin whined.
It had to be done.
"Peekaboo, bitches."
*CLICK*
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Soarin and "Peekaboo" tried to get married...
But they got trapped in a courthouse elevator during a power failure.
AppleBloom, and I had been living together in our new place for about a year and it was our first Hearts and Hooves Day there. So I went BIG. Homemade pasta, flowers, chocolates.
"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, AB." I said, holding a box of chocolates and a comic. "To you........and me?"
And, yes, a comic. 'Nebula Squad'. It was the sci-fi comic that every other sci-fi comic wanted to be. It was political, it was racy, it was sexy. Countless issues of intergalactic bliss. It was amazing and since the day I met AB, I've been trying to get her to read an issue. Just ONE.
But she wouldn't.
So I thought maybe if I went all out for Hearts and Hooves Day....
"Fine." she sighs. "Ya win. But just one."
"Okay, good."
I was like 'Wait, that worked?'
"So, there are a few things you should know before you start." I said. "This version of Nebula Squad is in an alternate timeline from a different creator who's given this one a much lighter tone than its-"
"Arch, hun, lemme just read it."
"Y-Yeah, you're right. Sorry."
I was convinced she was gonna love it. I mean, how could anypony not? After she was done-
"So what'd you think?" I asked.
"It was great." she nodded slightly.
"Oh, you didn't like it, did you?"
"No, no, no, no, I did. I really did.....ugh, I'm sorry. It's just not my thing."
I thought, 'Are you bucking kidding me? I'm THIS close!'
"Did you like any of it?"
"This Brax guy here looked pretty cute."
"The ladies love Brax. Well, I appreciate you giving it a shot. Can I get you some more wine?"
"Sure."
I thought it was a lost cause, but then-
"We could read another one." AB uttered. "If ya want."
"Really?" I gasped. "The real action doesn't start until the second act."
"Great. I'll get us some more wine."
We ended up reading two more issues that night. I was like 'Holy shit. My marefriend might have become a Nebuloid!'
Best Hearts and Hooves Day EVER.
[DAY 1106]
The next day, all I could think about was getting off work so i could tell my friend, Snips, about this. He was an even bigger fan of the comics than I was.
"I've got very big Nebula Squad news." I chuckled.
"You're finally turning your living room into a replica of the command center?" Snips said.
"Never gonna happen."
He'd been bugging me about that for months. Not kidding.
"But I did get AppleBloom to start reading the comic."
"Oh, no way! What'd she think?"
"I think she's starting to get sucked in like a Nebula tractor beam."
"Marry her."
"Yeah, right." I scoff.
"..."
"...wait, you're serious?"
"As a Trillien viral spore! We could have the wedding at SquadCon. You and AB can wear the Throlactian bonding robes from issue #32."
Snips worked in a comic book store and was even a coordinator for the annual Nebula Squad convention. So he knew everything there was to know about the comic. But when it came to the ladies...
"I just thought it would be pretty cool, but, whatever."
Let's just say I was light years ahead of Snips.
Light years.
I got home that night and found AB sitting on the couch with a kind of guilty look on her face.
"Whatcha doing?" I asked.
"Nothin'." she uttered.
Under the pillow right next to her, I saw a corner of paper.
"Is that a comic?"
"I......called in sick to work."
"Wait, what? So you've just been sitting on the couch reading Nebula Squad all day?"
"Y-Yes...?"
"That's awesome!" I cheered. "What issue are you on?"
From that point on, it was basically Nebula Squad 24/7. It was like I got my wish.
[DAY 1120]
Thirty issues of Nebula Squad later, it was getting to the point where it was hard to get AppleBloom off of the couch. I mean, come on, she even memorized the team's motto. The more into it she got, the less I liked it.
[DAY 1122]
Pretty early on, I realized this wasn't just a new interest for AB....
"Call me Shintara." she panted in the middle of our makeout session.
"What, like, from the comic?"
"Shintara from the Quad Nebula."
It was a weird fascination.
"I'm not saying that."
"SAY IT!"
"Urgh.....oh, Shintara, y-your alien pheromones are.....driving me crazy."
"Eeto eeto, prahna!" she babbled.
"You speak Quannese?"
"Roo taa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!!!"
[DAY 1132]
"Keep 'em closed."
After a while, AB's fascination turned into a full blown obsession.
"What is it?" I asked. "What's the surprise?"
"Just keep 'em closed, and........open 'em!"
"Ah! Is that.......a bucking intergalactic-"
"Battle saber? Hells, yeah!"
"But those are really expensive!"
"Yeah, like, a thousand bits but totally worth it."
Those thousand bits was supposed to go towards our trip to Mexicolt the next year.
"I need it for my Shintara outfit I'm building for SquadCon next month."
Hasta la vista, trip.
[DAY 1152]
"Alright, AB, I'm ready to go out here."
The whole thing got really old...
"Do ya have my intergalactic battle saber?" she asked.
"Yep, it's right here." I sighed.
REALLY fast.
But, we finally made it. We were at the last issue, the finale. Which wasn't much of a finale since the comic was suddenly discontinued. But AppleBloom didn't know that.
"I'mma ready." she said, sitting on the couch in her Shintara getup.
"Okay, here you go."
"Wait, I got this here outfit for ya. Put it on, Brax."
For the sake of keeping AppleBloom happy and, well, sane, I put on the damn costume. I was just glad I only had to sit through this last stupid comic, then things would go back to the old me and AB.
But when she found out how it ended...
"T-That's it?" she utters.
"Yep." I nod.
"Brax gets coltnapped, that's the end?"
I realized it wasn't going to be that simple.
"That's correct."
"This stinks! They need to make more books."
"Oh, well. What do we watch next?"
"What're you talkin' about? We gotta start back on issue #1!"
"......what?"
She just got sucked deeper into the black hole.
"Hey, you're the stallion that said we have to read each issue five or six times to pick up on all the 'sub-text', whatever that means! So, let's start over."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"You got me into this!"
"Yeah, but this.....it's too much. I don't even want to go to SquadCon this weekend."
"But the creator, Laser Burst, will be there, I HAVE to meet him!"
"I'm done."
"Fine, I'll just go by my lonesome!"
It had finally dawned on me.
I created a monster. I barely knew who AppleBloom was anymore.
[DAY 1153]
It was the day of SquadCon, but I felt like I had to get this fight off my chest. So I went over to Snips' before he left for the convention.
"It was insane, she's full on obsessed." I huffed.
"Dude, I've gotta tell you something." Snips said.
Again, Snips was coordinating SquadCon that year, which means he had access to alot of information, including schedules and locations of the cast and crew.
And AB knew that.
"You know I don't tell anypony where the guests are staying." Snips continued. "But AppleBloom came by, and started asking questions and she wouldn't leave me alone about it."
"Okay..."
"At first, I said no, then she threatened to buck my teeth in, so.....I told her. I think she's going to sleep with Laser Burst."
"WHY?!"
"I don't bucking know! You told me AB thought Brax was attractive and Laser kinda LOOKS like him."
I know it wasn't all Snips' fault, but I had to move. AppleBloom had booked a room under her name, and I convinced the front desk that I was her coltfriend and lost my key.
"Don't ya see how amazin' this could be? We can do this together." I heard behind her door.
I couldn't help but think how this whole thing was such a bizarre twist of fate. I unlocked the door and stormed right in there.
"Hey, you step away from my-"
Inside, I found AB standing in her outfit next to Laser Burst himself.....tied to a CHAIR.
"AppleBloom, what have you done?" I gasped.
"I-I met him down in the bar and convinced him to come up here." she stated.
"Wait a minute, you didn't come up here to sleep with Laser Burst?"
"Ew. Do ya think I'm some kinda Andorian leg spreader?"
And that's where I found out what AppleBloom was really up to at SquadCon.
Once she realized that Nebula Squad had no real ending, she started plotting to get it back. Snips and I thought she was obsessed with Brax and thought she'd use Laser Burst for her fantasy, but what she really wanted was to revive her obsession. So, once she knew where to find him, she got him alone and made her move. And when that didn't work out, things went...
A little off script.
"AB, are you insane?!" I yelled. "He's got a bump on his noggin!"
"I had no choice, Arch!" AB grunted. "I did it for us, ya know!"
"How does this help our relationship?"
"I meant US: the FANS!"
Guess I should've stuck with flowers and chocolate...
Arch convinced Laser Burst not to press charges.
Arch then broke up with AppleBloom in the main hall at SquadCon.
AppleBloom turned her living room into a replica of the Nebula Squad Command Center...
I'm Erde Procyon, I know, it doesn't sound that feminine, unicorn mare and stargazing enthusiast.
So, when this whole thing started, I had just made a pact for myself. I was gonna try and be happy with just being single. But it's so true that the moment you stop looking, you find it.
CRASH!!!
Or, in this case, it finds you.
And that's how I met Shining Armor.
"Sweet Celestia, I'm so sorry." he winced, helping me up. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I pant. "I'm okay."
"You're rubbing your elbow. Doesn't it hurt? You need an ice pack?"
"No, no. I'm fine."
He was super cute, and it was pretty adorable, the way he seemed so upset about knocking me down.
"Let me make this up to you somehow. Can I take you out for coffee?"
"Oh, is that your MO? Accidentally tackle a girl in the park and then con her into a date with you?"
"W-Well, no-"
"I'm kidding." I laughed.
"Heh, that's a good idea." he snickered. "I should add that to my moves: running into a girl in the park."
"Oh, ha."
"I'm Shining Armor, by the way."
"Erde Procyon."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"I like that name."
Maybe that pact I made to stay single could wait. I mean, how often do you literally get run over by hot guys in the park?
[DAY 5]
I decided to take a chance on going out with Shining, even though we just met.
"Thanks for bringing me here." I said.
"No prob." Shining shrugs. "I'm glad you like it. I come here all the time, and I always eat too much."
"You don't look like it. You go to the gym?"
"Oh, I like to work it outside. You know, go to the park, toss a ball around......run into pretty mares."
"Yeah." I giggled. "I'm still suspicious."
We wound up getting along really well, and we had lots to talk about. But it was all feeling too good to be true.
"Excuse me, can I get this bone to go?" Shining requested to a waiter. "It's for my dog. He's gonna love it."
"Ooh, you have a dog?" I said. "What kind?"
"Black lab named Barney."
You have to understand, I was a SUCKER for a guy with a dog. I once read that they make the best coltfriends, and a great coltfriend is something that had been evading me up to that point.
"I love dogs."
"I think he's gonna love you too." Shining nodded.
"Does that mean you want to see me again?"
"Yep. In fact, what are you doing this weekend?"
"Something with you, I guess."
He was cute. He was funny. He had a lab named Barney.
He was, like, perfect!
[DAY 12]
I felt like a girl with a huge crush. And the following weekend, I couldn't wait to see him and meet his dog.
"Hey, where's Barney?" I asked. "Barney, where are you? Come here, boy!"
"He's not here." Shining sighed. "Sorry, he's at his mom's house."
"His who?"
"My ex-marefriend. Her and I split custody of him, so I get him every other week."
So I'd never actually heard of two ponies sharing a pet, although I didn't sound too crazy.
"I was really looking forward to meeting him." I sighed.
"You will, and you're gonna love him."
Oh, I met him, alright...
[DAY 32]
"You ready to go hiking?"
"Yeah." I said. "Barney gonna run with us?"
"Oh, he's not here." he stated. "My ex has him."
"Again?"
So we'd been dating for nearly a month, and I still haven't met his dog. We sure as hell hadn't slept together yet. And the whole thing was just starting to feel a little suspicious.
"Hey, Shining, I need you to be straight with me."
"Sure, what is it?"
"Are you still.....hung up on your ex?"
"No, why would you ask that?"
"Well, it just seems like you bend over backwards to accommodate her, and you and I haven't even...."
"It's not what you think. Trust me, I really want you to stay the night. It's just, I've always rushed into bed with mares, and it has never ended well. I just want this to be the right time for us."
"I understand."
I'll admit, hearing Shining say he didn't want to rush into sex really touched me. And...that kinda turned me on a bit. Which eventually led me to put on a sexy little something and go over to his place unannounced.
BARK BARK!!!
But, to my surprise, I heard Barney.
"Barney!" I cooed. "Oh, what a cute puppy!"
Unfortunately, in life, there are some things you can't unsee.
"What. The. Buck?"
And this was one of them. Inside, through the living room window, I see Shining Armor himself rolling around a mountain of dog toys wearing a pair of dog ears and a muzzle. My heart sank as he stopped his frolicking and caught me staring at him.
"Shit." I whined to myself.
Now I know what you're thinking...
"I am SO sorry if I freaked you out." Shining said. "I did not want you to find out like this."
And I do not have a reason as to why I didn't just RUN. I guess I felt I needed to know what the hell was going on.
"I still don't know what I'm looking at here." I said.
"It's......a specific type of role play." Shining shrugs.
"So you're a.......doggie cross-dresser?"
"It's a lot deeper than that. I don't just dress as a dog. I LIVE as a dog."
"O-Okay. Why?"
"It's kind of hard to explain."
"I think you're gonna have to try."
Apparently, it's a form of bondage that is practiced by a tiny percentage of ponies. Shining explained that the reason we hadn't have sex yet was because he was incapable of becoming aroused unless he was dressed like.....THAT.
"So all those times you said Barney was at your ex-"
"I am Barney." Shining states. "And I haven't talked to my ex in over a year. I'm sorry I lied to you. Just, I wanted to make sure this was real before I told you the truth."
"T-This is alot to process, Shining. I need some time."
"I understand. Take all the time you need."
I felt like I was being pranked. Like, how am I even supposed to wrap my head around that? I felt like i had just won Worst in Show.
I had to tell somepony what was going on, and my friend Drizzle is an attorney. I figured that whole 'privileged information' thing meant at least it would stay secret.
"I can't believe this, I FINALLY meet a stallion that I'm crazy about, and now I have to break up with him!" I grunt.
"Aside from the dog collar," Drizzle said. "He sounds like a great guy."
"I thought you'd tell me to run as fast as I could."
"I'm a lawyer, remember? It's all about the evidence. Let's start with the pros."
I know it seems ridiculous, but we actually made a pros and cons list. We saw alot of pros and only one con. Drizzle didn't mind, but it seemed pretty major to me.
"Caring, sensitive, funny, loyal......like a dog."
"Aw, come on." I groaned.
"Could you say the same things about your exes?"
"Are you just trying to get me to do something weird so you can see what happens?"
"Partly, yes. But also because I don't wanna see you throw away something potentially really good because of this one thing."
"Ugh, I don't know! I need to think about this."
"Alright, but don't think too long. Somepony might come by and scoop him up. Like Animal Control."
"Oh, I hate you."
I'm sure you can't believe I even considered it. I can't believe I even considered it. But I really liked this guy and I figured that I could at least try to step outside my comfort zone.
Waaaaay outside my comfort zone...
[DAY 36]
"This is so weird."
"Ruff!" Shining yipped.
"Okay, okay.......good boy?"
"Ruff ruff!"
So, it started off very, very strange with him hopping and barking around, sniffing my flank...
"Woah, down boy!"
But, believe it or not, aside from the dog part, it was actually some of the best sex I've ever had.
"Good boy." I sighed.
[DAY 58]
The first couple of weeks were actually.....OKAY. I mean, when he wasn't crawling around, he was the same old charming, handsome Shining Armor that I fell for.
I told myself I was fine with a guy with a weird fetish as long as we kept it in the bedroom. Which we did...
At first.
[DAY 68]
But soon...
"Stop whimpering." I grunted. "Make your own toast."
It migrated to the kitchen.
[DAY 79]
And when 'Barney' started popping up outside of the house, it became too much.
"Drop it, Shining!" I hissed as he chews on a fork.
I still haven't been back to that restaurant.
[DAY 85]
Shining seemed to be feeling more and more comfortable about spending more and more of his time as Barney.
"Ruff!" he barked, pointing at a little remote on the table.
"What's that? Is.........is that one of those shock collars?"
"Ruff!"
"Is that what you want?!"
"Ruff!"
"Okay, um......bad dog-"
ZAP!!!
"ARF!"
I think sending electrical currents through my coltfriend was the moment I decided I should......probably rethink this arrangement.
[DAY 94]
I took some time to think about it, but eventually I decided that it was time for an ultimatum: Me or Barney.
But when I got to his house-
"AWOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
It was filled with humping, grinding, barking......dog ponies.
Everywhere.
"WHAT THE BUCK, SHINING?!?!" I yelled.
"Erde!" he gasped.
Apparently, he ran with an entire 'pack' of freaks.
"I-I'm sorry, babe." he shrugged. "I'm just a dog."
"Okay, you can just go screw yourself." I huffed.
"Come on, Erde. Join the pack!"
I do have my limits.
"BAD dog!"
ZZZZZZZAP!!!
"ARRRRRRRF!!!"
Son of a bitch...
Two years later, Erde met the stallion she married.
He's a cat person.
After being hit by a cart, Shining moved to a house in the country with a big yard.
I'm an aerospace engineer, which pretty much means I don't get out much, even though I'm trying to get into military training. So one night, my buddy Micro Chips decided to drag me to this lecture that doubled as a social mixer for 'smart' ponies.
After about five minutes of this one guy yapping on about alien theories, I realized this wasn't for everypony. It was the last place I'd expect to meet someone like Smolder.
"So, you think we can get the 'aliens' to come abduct this guy?" she quipped.
"I second that." I laughed.
"You wanna go get somethin' to eat?"
"S-Sure."
She was funny and really beautiful. And I gotta be honest, last time I had a girl ask me out to have a drink with her was......never.
And it turns out not only was she pretty, she was really smart and........interesting.
"I just always thought it would be such a fulfilling experience to spend time with an indigenous culture." she stated.
"Wait, so you actually lived with a tribe?" I gasped.
"Yeah, the buffaloes. They were cool. The healthiest creatures I've ever seen. I had alot to do after I left."
"Do what?"
"I started my own business, actually. Inspired by what I learned from the tribe."
She said it was a lifestyle business that specialized in holistic health plans. Apparently, this buffalo tribe had a HUGE impact on her.
"But enough about me, tell me about you."
Usually when I talk about work on a date, I can actually see the girl formulating an exit strategy.
"I'm actually boring myself just talking about it." I sigh. "It's not a sexy job."
"That job requires intelligence, and intelligence, I mean, at least in my opinion....is extremely sexy."
But not Smolder.
Later that night, we......got more acquainted with each other. At that moment, I guess I was a little outta shape.
"Mid, you okay there?"
"Y-Yeah........I just need......need to catch my...breath."
"Well, don't die on me. I'm not done with you yet."
She wasn't kidding about not being done with me.
We did it three more times that night.
[DAY 2]
The next morning, Smolder got up early to make breakfast.
"Mm, what's that?" I asked.
"Just a mixture of herbs, roots and fauna with an enzyme compound design." she nodded. "And, of course, the good stuff."
Well..........her version of breakfast.
"Good stuff?"
Looked healthy enough, so I thought, why not?
"Mm, ugh.........t-that's really good." I gagged.
"You don't like it."
"I'm more of a hay-bacon and eggs for breakfast, burgers for lunch kinda guy."
"I can tell. Last night in bed......I thought you were gonna have a heart attack."
I told her that I was concerned about my health too, and that's when she hit me up with a proposition.
"Let me help you. Give me two weeks, 'kay? Two weeks, follow my diet, follow my training regimen and I promise you, you will be as fit and vital as the tribal chief himself."
"Wow." I snickered. "The chief, huh?"
I've never been very successful at relationships. So if she was asking me to become an unofficial member of this buffalo tribe, I was like "Sure. Where's my grass skirt?"
[DAY 3]
"Come on, Blitzy, really sink into the pose."
"Smolder, if I sink any further, I'm gonna rip something."
The next two weeks, Smolder put me through a program. Unfortunately, for me...
"I actually feel pretty good. We should go back to bed for a little bit." I said.
"We just got started." she stated. "We got a four-mile run ahead of us."
"Ugh, seriously?"
The buffalo were early risers. They were also warriors who ran around ALL DAY to increase their battle stamina. And then there's more...
"Alright, hop in. It's ready."
"Sweet Celestia, this tub is FREEZING!"
"The oldest members of the tribe used to sit in the river every morning, and they said it added decades to their lives." Smolder said.
She said ice water reduced 'inflammation in the body', which decelerated the aging process. Scientifically, it made sense...
"You're gonna join me, right?"
"That was just for the males in the tribe."
But, as soon as my parts hit that water-
"HOLY BUCKBALLS!!!"
The didn't care what science thought.
Anytime I got discouraged, she had a certain way of........motivating me. I had more sex those two weeks than I did the last three years.
"Maybe this isn't all bad." I sighed.
"And if you notice, you can speak a full sentence without gasping for air." Smolder giggles.
"Actually, I did. It's been tough, but I feel great now."
I really felt like a completely new stallion.
[DAY 20]
A couple days later, I met Micro Chips for lunch. Although, at this point in my diet, lunch meant something completely different to us.
"Since when did you start eating steamed vegetables?" he asked.
"I promised Smolder I'd stick to this diet."
"The girl from the lecture?"
I filled him in on everything, the shakes, the training regimen...
"Other than the fact that I feel hungry most of the time, I actually feel pretty good." I stated.
Even the tribe she lived with.
"Which tribe?"
"The buffalos. Apparently, they're really fit, they live long lives, and they have awful, AWFUL local cuisine."
"Lemme guess, you didn't research it?"
"Hey, Smolder's been keeping me pretty, pretty busy."
[DAY 21]
The next day, I was just looking to grab a snack when-
"Stop!" Smolder hissed, blocking the fridge's door. "What are you doing?"
"J-Just getting some ice cream. Or, I mean an organic soy......something."
"You're not allowed to have any of that."
Not 'allowed'?
I was happy to get in shape, but I wasn't trying to go full Iron Mare here.
"Blitz, I'm.....I'm sorry. All my formulas are in there and I can't show any creature."
It was strange that she was so secretive about what was in that freezer. That night, Smolder wasn't in bed. About an hour later, I heard her sneak in through the front door.
"Smolder?"
"H-Hey, Blitzer. W-What are you doing up?"
What was I doing up? I wasn't the one sneaking into the house in the middle of the night carrying a cooler!
"Where were you?"
"Um, I was just at the park." she said. "Some of the same herbs that I found in the buffalo's homeland grow there, but they don't like you to take stuff, so I go at night. I know, guilty as charged."
Gardening for contraband herbs...
In the middle of the night.
Yeah.
"Go back to bed, Blitz. I'll be there in a minute."
"O......kay..."
I was honestly too tired to push it, but I'd have to call that the moment I went from thinking something was up to KNOWING something was up. By the time I got outta bed the following morning, Smolder was already gone. I'd hardly slept, and all I could think about was the night before.
And just when I was trying to stomach my so-called breakfast, it hit me.
The answers were five feet away.
I know I promised not to look in the freezer, but I did.
So......I probably forgot to mention this, but Smolder's a strict vegetarian. So why was there weird looking MEAT in her freezer?
Then I took a closer look.
"Yeah, it's a heart AND a liver! That's what she's been putting in my shakes!"
"Hold on, I researched..."
I met with Micro and I told him everything. I just couldn't believe that this was Smolder's secret ingredient. But then I found out it was WAAAAAAAY worse than that.
"Dude, that 'buffalo tribe' of hers? They're cannibals." Micro states. "And dragons, too. Your lady friend's been feeding you Celestia-knows-what."
At that moment, I thought "I'm screwed."
[DAY 23]
The next morning when Smolder went off to do her deliveries, I decided to follow her around town. At one place, she came out with somepony who looked like a doctor and got a huge pouch of bits from her. I couldn't figure it out. Was Smolder selling pony organs?
Then she stopped at a storage facility. Now, I was even more stunned. And she STILL had that cooler. I eventually decided to follow her inside, but to be honest, I didn't wanna know what was in there. I followed her around the building until she stopped at a storage unit.
I waited for her to take off.......then I busted the lock.
And there it was, an empty room with a huge freezer in it. I was freaking out, I was like "What the hell is in there?!" More organs? Chopped up body parts? But it wasn't any of those things...
It was a freezer full of test tubes. There must've been a HUNDRED of them in there with different guys' names on it. But this one was fresh and had MY name on it.
"Hey! What are you doing here-"
And there she was.
"What are YOU doing here?!" I hissed.
That's when I got the real story.
Smolder wasn't selling any shakes or formulas. She was running a black market sperm bank. She preyed on highly intelligent males, slept with them, and then stole their......essence. All the stuff about the 'tribe'? Yeah, that was just a B.S. sales pitch so that the guy she slept with would buy into her healthy lifestyle and turn out a quality product. Yoga, ice baths, they were all just good for increasing sperm count. She'd take samples in that cooler and sell them to professional mares. Mares who were willing to pay top bit for a high quality kid, like the doctor. She was a client.
And that raw meat in the freezer? It was just animal organs, good for fertility.
The funny thing is, if I had just looked down I would have seen my last sperm sample she had taken right in front of the frozen tofu.
Appetizing...
And to think, I thought she liked me.
Midnight went to the nearest health clinic and got every STD exam they had.
He's clean.
The following week, Smolder found out she was four months pregnant.
I'm an interior designer. And I like to use plants when I'm putting the finishing touches on a space. I was so sick of the same old stuff you find at those massive hardware stores. So when I found a small nursery close to my office, I thought I'd try my luck there. That's how I met Timber Spruce, the owner.
"You look like you could use some help." he said warmly.
"I'm looking for a variety of flowering plants that have really bright colors." I nodded.
"My first thought is a nice orchid, lots of colors, really beautiful. But, they do need alot of attention, so how are you at taking care of plants?"
"Mm.......fine."
"Are you sure about that? 'Cause I'm sensing alot of dead ferns in your past, I don't know."
"Very funny. Okay, I'm not that great. But they're for a client, actually. He's a little absentminded, so..."
"Succulents it is." Timber shrugged. "They're nearly impossible to kill, even for a non-green hoof like yourself."
"Hey..."
"I'm kidding, come on.
He was cute. I could tell plants were a passion for him.
"These are our selection of bromeliads, and the colors as you can see, they're really bright."
"Yeah, they're beautiful." I stated.
In five minutes, he picked out exactly what I was looking for. I thought that was gonna be the end of that, but then he did something......unexpected.
"Hey, maybe we could get together sometime soon." Timber said. "Just so I can see how the plants are getting along and to......make sure that you like them."
He did his version of flirting.
"You wanna check up on the plants?"
"Yeah, well......and also maybe see you again, too."
He was a little on the geeky side, but I kinda liked it. He just seemed like this really nice, sort of innocent guy.
"Tell you what," I said, writing on a note. "If you're still concerned about the well being of your succulents, my address is on the back."
"G-Great, uh......guess I'll see ya, then."
"I hope so."
Sure, Timber wasn't necessarily my usual type, but I thought he'd be fun and different. He was definitely, DEFINITELY different...
[DAY 17]
By that point, Timber Spruce and I had already gone out on a couple of dates. Yes, he was a little eccentric, but he was sweet and genuine.
"You know, I've always wanted to build this really special greenhouse, like, this VIP one." he said.
"For Very Important Plants?"
"Yeah. See, ponies forget that plants are living organisms, and just like us, if you put them in the right environment, they thrive."
"Cheers to that."
I liked everything about him. However, there was just one problem:
Up until that point, he hadn't made a move...
So I decided to.
"Come with me." I purred.
Our first time was a little awkward.
Okay, VERY awkward.
[DAY 18]
"No. You. Didn't."
"We did."
"With the plant guy?"
"He's a horticulturist."
I knew I was gonna get crap from Lilac Links, about Timber. But, she's my bestie. I tell her everything.
"It was really......sweet." I nodded.
"Sweet?" Lilac scoffed. "Oh, no."
"N-No, not bad, but if I had to guess, I would say it was his first time."
"Wait, what? How old is this guy?"
".......24."
"Ha! A hot 24-year-old virgin?"
"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, IF he was."
The truth is I didn't care if I was his first or not. I really liked Timber.
"You should ask him." Lilac said.
"Can't just ASK him." I snickered.
"Sure you can."
But I did hope it'd get a little better.
[DAY 24]
"Where are you taking me?"
"You'll see." Timber hummed.
"You better not be a serial killer."
"If I was, I would say that you're already screwed, huh? Alright, stand right......here. Ready?"
"Uh huh."
"Ta-da."
It was definitely the most romantic thing a guy had ever done for me. I've never seen a more beautiful greenhouse glowing with light, flowers and a candlelit dinner.
"You like it?"
"I love it."
And I could tell he put alot of thought into it. Later, we decided it was time for round two. Right there in the middle of the nursery. He was......a lot more comfortable this time.
"Definitely better." I giggled. "Where did YOU come from?"
"I don't know, I'm just a lot less nervous nervous than the other night." Timber sighs. "What with it being the first time and all."
"Was it your......your first time?"
"No, I meant OUR first time."
"..."
"...wait a second. You thought that was my first time? Like, like, my VERY first time?"
I didn't know what to say...
"No...?"
So I lied.
"It was pretty bad, though, huh?" he chuckled.
"You seemed nervous."
"I was. It's just been awhile."
I felt bad for judging him our first time. He obviously just put away too much pressure on himself, and just when I thought our relationship was gonna move on to the next level, suddenly things got odd.
KNOCK KNOCK!!!
"There's a guy out there."
"Oh, it's just a customer." Timber shrugged.
"NOW?"
"Yeah, he was supposed to come a lot earlier."
It was 11:00 at night. I was like "Can't this wait?"
"Please tell me you have it?" the stranger uttered.
"Shh." Timber whispered. "You gotta be quiet, alright?"
This 'customer' looked kinda desperate and jumpy. We went from this amazing date to me watching some kinda late night plant sale. A bag of bits? A brown paper bag? The whole thing was beyond shady.
"What was that?" I asked.
"That was an exotic plant order, and he's one of my best customers, so..."
"Yeah, but 11:00 at night? Don't you think that's weird?"
"Well, when ya gotta have it, ya gotta have it."
It was definitely strange, but then I thought "Okay, I can live with one strange night."
Unfortunately, it didn't end there.
[DAY 27]
A few days later, I met Timber back at the nursery. I had asked him to put some plants aside for another client of mine. I hadn't thought about it before, but I realized that every time I had been at the nursery, there were hardly any customers.
I wondered how he paid the bills.
"Had plenty of time to put your order together." he stated. "Lemme go find some tape."
A while after he took off-
"Oh, Tim, I found some-"
And that's when I found a map of a nearby forest not so discreetly covered on his desk. It had a small area circled with coordinates, and at the top, it said "Mary J."
It had been awhile since I had heard that term, but everypony knows what "Mary J." stands for...
He had no business. He was handling paper bags off to strange customers in the middle of the night. In my mind, it was pretty clear what Timber was doing.
[DAY 28]
The next day, I told Lilac about what I knew.
"How did this go from being a virgin to selling weed?" she asked.
"The map with the circle and coordinates, it's the location of where he's growing." I stated. "The paper even said 'Mary J.' at the top."
"Who the buck says 'Mary Jane' anymore?"
"Well, you haven't met Timber."
"Whatcha gonna do?"
"Before I do anything, I gotta know for sure."
I remembered the coordinates, so I punched them on my Global Pony System (GPS), and Lilac and I started tracking our way to the spot on Timber's map.
"Are we there yet?" Lilac whines.
"Almost." I said. "We're getting close. I have a bad feeling about this."
"It's just weed."
"I hope I'm wrong."
"Yeah, but if you're right, it could be a really good hookup."
"Ohhhhhh..."
"Do you hear that?" I uttered.
"What the hell is that?" Lilac grunts. "What did you get me into-"
"Shh."
There were all these clothes scattered everywhere, and, at first, I didn't wanna pick them up, but I wasn't sure if somepony was in trouble or hurt.
"Oh yeah, you're a naughty girl!"
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Turns out, Timber wasn't growing weed.
He was a plant humper.
"Oh, HELL naw!" Lilac gags. "Horticulturist my flank! That ain't right at ALL!"
"S-Scribble, what are you doing here?" Timber gulped.
"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THAT TREE?!?!"
"I-I can explain."
Oh, he explained it alright. He was a dendrophile...
"L-Look, I know that it looks a little weird." he stuttered.
"Yeah, ya THINK?"
That's somepony who gets sexually aroused by nature.
"I'm done." Lilac huffed, walking away.
He had always been that way, but right before we met, he decided he should try being with a mare for once.
Lucky me.
And when he had a hard time performing, he set up that date in the nursery to help him get in the mood. That strange customer in the middle of the night? He wasn't there to score weed, he was a fellow dendrophiliac who was there to buy a rare Saddle Arabian red maple fern...
To DO.
The map wasn't to marijuana plants, it was the location of the love of his life:
A tree he had named Mary Jane.
"Sicko." I hissed before catching up to Lilac.
"Sicko?" Timber scoffed. "Babe, we talked about this. Trees are living organisms, come on."
To this day, I still don't understand how it even WORKED.
Timber remained celibate for 7 months, but relapsed after staying in a cabin.
Scribble continued her career as an interior designer...
Didn't expect to see me here, huh? You already know who I am, so let's just get into it.
I'd always wondered how so many guys could stay good friends with their exes. So when Lyra invited me over for dinner, I was skeptical, but optimistic.
"Well hello there, stranger." she giggled.
"Good to see ya." I said.
We'd lived together for two years before I had to break it off. It was tough at first. Despite everything that happened between us, we were getting along really well.
And then I found out why.
"Therapy? You?" I scoffed.
"Oh, don't act so surprised." Lyra sighed.
"That shows some real personal growth. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks. Your opinion means alot. After all, you've been a huge part of my life and if we can't be together..."
I remember thinking, "Uh-oh, here it comes."
"At least we can still be friends."
But then I thought she's really changed. She really wants what's best for me.
"Hey, I'll drink to that." I chuckled, gulping down my drink.
And then, everything. Went. BLACK.
"Wakey wakey, sleepy head."
My head was throbbing and everything was fuzzy...
"What the hell?" I uttered.
"Did you really think I was gonna let it just end like this?" Lyra asked. "Did you think I was gonna let you just walk away?"
But I was sure of one thing.
"But none of that matters, Nonny. Because I'm gonna show you..."
I was gonna die.
"How MUCH I love you." she finished, handing me a card.
It was a Derek Meter rookie card.
Okay, let me explain.
I was out grabbing a drink with my buddy, Kody. Eventually, Lyra showed up and hinted that she flushed my old rookie card just for going out.
No wonder why I said she was "Fatal Attraction-y".
"In therapy, I realized if I was gonna save our relationship, I'd have to fight for it." she stated.
"Your therapist told you the best way to do that......was to drug me and handcuff me to a radiator in the basement?" I huffed.
"Not in those exact words. But he said fixing our relationship would take time, and I'm gonna make sure you have it."
She thought that drugging me and locking me up in the basement would save our relationship...
And people wondered why I broke up with her.
"You know what Stockhold Syndrome is, Nonny?"
"Y-You know, I don't think it works if the other person knows about it."
"Well, what the hell do you know about it anyway? I'M the one with experience in therapy!"
"HELP! SOMEONE HELP! THERE'S A HUMAN CHAINED IN HERE!!!"
"Hehe, you know nopony's gonna hear you."
She was right. The basement was to be my workshop, and the noise always bothered Lyra, so......I soundproofed it.
"Lyra, I'm begging you. Begging you to stop this, okay?" I groaned. "I promise I won't tell anyone. B-Besides, someone's gonna come looking for me."
"Why?" Lyra snickered. "I have your cell phone and I know you well enough to know that you never change your email password."
She was nuts, but she was brilliant.
"When you remember how good we had it, you won't want to be anywhere else."
And when Lyra put her mind to something, she covered every single detail, just like Hannibal Lecter.
"This is CRAZY!"
"Oh, honey? You know if anything happens to me, you'll die of thirst before anyone finds you."
DAY 896]
"Try the linguine and clam sauce. I remember how much you liked it at the pasta house, hehe."
Over the next few days, Lyra cooked all my favorite meals to make sure I remembered how much we enjoyed eating together. The pasta house was one of our favorites.
FLASHBACK: "Mmm, this is the best linguine and clam sauce I've ever had."
"Then I guess the bowl that I made you last week was CRAP."
"N-No, Lyra, I-"
"Thanks alot, jerk!"
Lyra and I NEVER remembered things the same way...
"We're so cute together. OMC, look how happy you are!"
At least three times a day, Lyra would make me sit through a slideshow of our relationship like this would somehow reprogram my memories of the three years we spent together.
"Ooh, remember when we went on that wine tasting trip?" she gasped playfully. "Ah, and the cruise to Miamane? So much fun! Remember that couple there? We had such a good time with them."
"Yeah, until you punched the mare in the face 'cuz you thought she was flirting with me." I grunted.
"......I don't remember that."
She was in denial, but the cruise line wasn't. They kicked us off the ship in some seedy port in Ja-mane-ca.
"Lyra, you just gotta stop, please. You need HELP."
"I know this all seems odd, darling, but trust me." the mare nodded. "This is all gonna be worth it."
[DAY 903]
Over the next WEEK, Lyra tried one thing after another to convince me that we were meant to be together...
"Happy Hearth's Warming!" she chimed.
Including Hearth's Warming in July.
"Ugh, I felt like I just got hit by a truck." I moaned. "Did you drug me again?"
"Yes. But only because I wanted this to be a surprise. I know I ruined some holidays, but never Hearth's Warming."
And that was the moment I realized that Lyra was much more than just confused.
She was probably legally insane.
"You slept with my boss at a Hearth's Warming party." I hissed.
"Why do you always have to look on the dark side of things, Anon?! I...........let's just open presents. This one says 'To Lyra, from Nonny'."
Honestly, it was like Hearth's Warming.
In Hell.
"Oooh, it's a sweater! I love it, thank you, babycakes."
"You're welcome, I guess."
"There's one under the tree with your name on it."
"Oh." I uttered. "So, uh, you finally did it?"
"Eeyup, this is the first in my new line."
Lyra always had this "brilliant" idea that adults wanted to feel like foals again, so she came up with the "adultsie", a onesie for grownups. It had to be the worst idea she ever had...
Except for drugging me and chaining me to a radiator.
"Try it on." she said.
"Oh, sorry, but......chains, remember?"
"Oh, I can help with that, and......besides, I think there's a Hearth's Warming tradition you always liked..."
"Oh, no, no, no, absolutely not. I'm not gonna have sex with you."
"Oh, no?"
ZZZZZZZIP!
I had sex with her...
But in my defense, what they say about crazy mares in bed is ABSOLUTELY true.
[DAY 904]
Kody hadn't seen or heard from me in little over a week, which really wasn't that unusual, but when I didn't show up for our weekly buckball game, he started to get worried. Lyra would always leave these fake letters on my doorstep for him to find.
"Sorry, bro. Going out of town for a few days."
:)
But Lyra forgot one major issue in her plan:
Guys do NOT send each other smiley faces. My bro knew something was up.
[DAY 905]
I had started to lose track of time. I was feeling hopeless and scared. Lyra's behavior was getting crazier by the day, and it felt like she could snap at any moment.
But then......I caught a break.
I "Macgyver-ed" a grappling hook out of a spoon and some Hearth's Warming lights to reach a toolbox on the other side of the room. It was my only hope of getting out.
I was terrified that Lyra would hear me, but it turns out she had her hooves full...
With my best pal, Kody.
Yeah, he violated the bro code. He came to see if I was at her place and ended up sleeping with her and to this day, he claims to not be proud of it.
I finally got the toolbox, loosened the radiator, freed the handcuffs and crawled out the window. If there's one thing I learned from my time in the basement, is that if you end up with anypony like Lyra, be prepared to be drugged up, chained up and totally bucked up.
The cops found Kody...
Unconscious.
Naked.
And locked up in Lyra's bedroom.
Lyra was charged with aggravated assault and kidnapping.
I moved to Chi-colt-o for a job when I was 25 years old, and I'll tell you, whoever named that place "The Windy City" was not joking. I was working alot and I got pretty lonely, so when a coworker offered to set me up on a date, I said yes. Especially when she said he was some kind of royalty.
"Hazel?" a stallion called out. "Pleasure to meet you.
"Oh, you must be Fancy Pants." I chimed.
I mean, he was a little shorter than I expected, but doesn't every mare secretly dream of being rescued by a prince?
"Should we set up?" he said.
"Sure."
Okay, he wasn't exactly a prince.
More like a great great nephew of an earl or duke, or something like that, and from some huge family nopony's ever heard of that lost their money about 200 years ago.
But still, I figured it could be fun. Right?
"To a great first date." Fancy nodded.
"I second that. Cheers."
"Cheers."
Things went better than expected. Fancy seemed smart and funny and charming. And I loved his sophistication. I expected a prince to be more self-absorbed, but he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say.
And of course, he said what every girl wants to hear after she's had a good time.
"I would love to see you again." he sighed.
"Well, how could I say no to a guy who-"
SMOOCH!
I was not expecting that at all...
[DAY 2]
"Is this calligraphy?"
"I guess, I don't know, Mist."
The next morning, I was hanging out with my best friend Misty when a letter was hoof-delivered to my door.
"Well, at least he can spell, I mean, who can spell anymore in longhoof?" Misty uttered. "And you said he sent flowers, too?"
"To here." I stated. "And my office."
"Do I need to remind you about a friend of mine who spent all last year telling me that if she could get a nice guy again, she'd be willing to overlook the little things? Do you remember that mare?"
I figured she was right. He had his little quirks, but didn't everypony?
"You're right." I nodded. "I should just enjoy dating a nice guy for once."
[DAY 5]
A few days later, I invited Fancy Pants over. You know, just a quiet, casual night at home. It was one of those perfect, relaxed nights, until...
He pulled out the little box...
"Oh, uh..."
"Surprised?" Fancy chuckled.
"It's just......we're not-"
"Hazel, I'm not crazy. I saw this in a shop window and thought of you."
"Oh, my goodness."
There was a locket inside, just like the one I told him about on our first date.
"T-That's so...thoughtful, Fancy..."
But I could tell it was way more expensive than the one I lost.
"I-It's just too much." I said.
"Oh, it's nothing." he stated, fitting the necklace on me.
I guess I thought it'd be some huge insult if I turned it down.
"Don't we look good together, my fine princess?"
"...hmm."
[DAY 32]
Over the next few weeks, I tried to slow things down...
"Mmm, that was an amazing dinner." I hummed.
"I'm going to show off all of my skills for you tonight." Fancy laughed.
But when Fancy invited me over for dinner, and promised not to do anything too drastic, I accepted.
"Wait, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I have something for you. Actually, it's for the both of us."
Uh oh.
I really hoped it wasn't another gift.
"Buck, lights."
Then the lights went out and some random stallion comes out shining a spotlight on me.
"This is Buck." Fancy said. "We've known each other since colthood. He has graciously agreed to lend his musical talents for us this evening."
This guy Buck must have been hiding in the kitchen the entire time I was there, about...two hours!
I gotta tell you, if you've never been serenaded before, it's the most AWKWARD thing you can ever imagine. Fancy was singing about birds and trees and moon rays.
Are moon rays even a real thing?
And this weird guy Buck just kept glaring at me like I was stealing away his soul mate. Then, there was the whistling part. It was really awful. And just when I thought it was all over-
"Here."
He pulled out an envelope. With TICKETS.
"You, I, and the sunrise over Spane."
And right then was when I realized, "Oh, my Celestia, little fillies aren't the only ones with fairy tale fantasies."
"W-Well, this is incredibly sweet." I uttered. "But, I think we should wait."
At that moment, Fancy just SNAPPED, tearing and shredding the tickets and envelope to pieces.
"You will never meet a stallion who treats you better." he whined, stomping out the door.
"Fancy, wait!" I hollered, following after. "Fancy, just calm down, please!"
"You'll regret this day for the rest of your life!"
And just like that, he was gone.
That escalated quickly...
But was I supposed to drop everything, fall in love with this guy and run off with him to South A-mare-ica? I-I can't name one pony crazy enough to do that.
[DAY 33]
"I still haven't seen or heard from him. I just want to know that he's okay."
"You're not responsible for this."
Misty came over the next day to make sure I was alright.
"You didn't do anything, he did." she stated.
"Oh, darn."
There was Buck, standing on my front lawn.
"Who's that?" Misty asked.
"Fancy's friend, or servant, or whatever."
"Hey, go away! Yeah, you. Go back to the crazy castle!"
"It's all your fault. You did this." the stallion huffed at me.
"I'm gonna go see what happened." I said.
I figured Fancy sent him with a ten-page apology letter.
"Look, Buck, Fancy really-"
"Congratulations. He's dead." Buck said.
"What are you talking about?"
"You killed him."
Buck handed me some printout, an article that said that Fancy Pants had jumped off a cliff. He was dead...
Because of me.
[DAY 36]
The funeral was a couple days later.
I really didn't wanna be there, but Fancy had always been sweet and generous with me. He was a little unpredictable, but he was a good guy, so it felt like the right thing to do.
"We can try to remember the life of the stallion," Buck announced. "Instead of his terrible, unnecessary death. Feel free to share."
I barely knew this guy, and all of his friends were treating me like the widow...
The widow that KILLED him.
"Hazel, come on up." Buck said.
"U-Uh, I can't-"
"You owe him."
What was I supposed to do? It's not like I had a choice. But what do you say to a bunch of ponies who THINK you killed their friend?
So, I stood forward.
"I-I'm so sorry this happened." I uttered. "I never got the chance to tell Fancy Pants that I..."
I totally panicked.
"Loved him."
I thought speaking in front of that crowd was about the worst thing I could've imagined.
But I was wrong.
After the funeral was over and everypony left, Buck approached me with an URN.
"You take him." he said. "He wanted that."
"I-I can't take this." I stuttered. "What about his family? I-"
And he just left.
I'm standing there, holding Fancy's ashes in my hooves and wishing I was the one that was dead. And then...
"You love me. I just knew you just needed a little push to admit it."
That LUNATIC was still alive!
"Now, I know it was a little extreme-"
"You faked your own death just to make me say 'I love you'?!"
"When you say it like that, it sounds crazy. But we love each other."
"You. Are a HORRIBLE pony. How could you put me through all of this?!"
"Because you love me!"
This guy was insane. All I could think was, "I need to get as FAR away from him as possible."
Until he said-
"Give me a kiss! I'm alive!"
Then, I wanted to KILL him.
I tried to toss his so-called "ashes" on him, but remember.......the "Windy City". Most fairy tales end happily ever after.
My father started our family business 4 years ago. We'd modify and customize carts and wagons, mostly for rich, retired couples.
A few years back, I had to deliver a large, R.V.-like one from our office up in Macintosh Hills to a V.I.P. customer in Canterlot, and the schedule was a little crazy. It was 30 hours of driving in only four days. My dad would always try to push me into doing crazy stuff 'cuz he felt like I was "too stiff" or whatever.
And, sure, it would've been nice to take a leisurely road trip cross-country, but I kept telling myself, "You're not on vacation, you've got a job to do."
And I might have actually accomplished that job if I had just. Kept. Going.
"What the..." I uttered to myself.
It was the strangest sight, a unicorn hitchhiker in a wedding dress, crying and carrying a duffle bag.
Now, picking up a hitchhiker is pretty irresponsible, and dangerous, and definitely against the company rules.
But, I mean, I couldn't just leave her there, right?
So, I stopped the wagon and helped her aboard.
"T-Thank you so much," she cried loudly, tossing her bag in the back. "Nopony else would stop."
"Uh, yeah," I said. "No problem..."
She was definitely not somepony you'd expect to find on the side of the road.
"I'm Cadance." she sniffled.
"Um......Tyler." I nodded. "So, what's wrong?"
She cries.
"Anything bad happen?"
She cries some more.
"Where are you going?"
"I DON'T KNOW-HO-HO!!!" she whines.
I didn't know what to say, so I decided to just continue driving. Eventually, she stopped her wailing and finally explained her situation.
"So, there I was," she stated. "Literally at the altar, in front of 200 of his family and friends..."
"Okay..."
"And this waiter who worked in the catering hall comes up and hands me a letter. A letter."
"Oof."
"He couldn't even tell me in person."
"What a jerk."
"I was so humiliated. I just grabbed whatever I needed and this bag I packed for the wedding night and I just took off."
"That's insane."
"Hey, w-would you mind if I went to the back and got changed? I just wanna get out of this dress and pretend like this never happened."
"Oh, yeah, sure. Just try not to touch anything because this isn't exactly mine, I'm delivering it.
As Cadance ruffles through her bag...
"Oh, no," she sobbed, burying her face into her hooves. "I can't believe this."
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I grabbed the wrong bag! These are the wedding gifts, I want nothing to do with these!"
I really felt just terrible for her, but this voice in the back of my head was telling me, "This is a really bad idea."
"So," I uttered. "Am I dropping you off somewhere or...?"
I needed to get this girl where she needed to go so I could get back to my delivery and make this deadline.
"Are you going by Las Pegasus?" she asked. "My best friend lives in Las Pegasus."
"No, sorry, I'm staying up north......she couldn't make it to the wedding?"
"It's a long story."
I let Cadance tag along for a while, and after a pretty long stretch, I decided to pull over.
Next thing I know...
[DAY 2]
It was morning. I found myself in the back with the sleeping unicorn cuddled up beside me and I felt like I'd made a huge mistake. We didn't hook up or anything, but I started to panic.
I was like, "What are you doing? This has 'danger' written all over it!"
But, I calmed myself down and came up with a plan that should satisfy the both of us.
"Why don't I just drop you off in Ponyville?" I asked.
"Ponyville?" she pondered.
"Yeah, I mean, it's only a quick train ride to Las Pegasus. You could meet your friend there too."
"That would be great, thank you so much."
That afternoon, Cadance and I found a mall and did a little shopping. She didn't have any clothes or money, so I treated her.
"Um, Tyler," Cadance hummed. "Can you zip me?"
"Um......of course." I said.
I awkwardly walked over and quickly assisted her.
"Thank you."
"No problem..."
We definitely had a moment, but it just didn't feel right to try anything. I mean, she had just been left at the altar the day before.
"So, do you want to go get some food, or-"
"I have a better idea."
But when she offered to cook me dinner, I couldn't say no to that.
"Mm, that meal was amazing," I sighed as Cadance cleaned off the table. "Thank you."
"No, thank you," she said gratefully. "For everything."
"You're very welcome."
"You know, my ex always hated my cooking."
"Well, we already know he's a jerk, so who cares?"
"Cheers to that. Being dumped may have been the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Of course it was, there's someone much better out there for you."
"I know. I think I already met him."
"So-" I paused, watching the pony ease in close. "Wait, you-"
Mwah!
I had no idea Cadance actually felt that way about me.
"Come with me." she purred.
Was I rebound, or something more? I didn't know.
And I didn't care.
[DAY 3]
The next day, I felt like I had a new lease on life, and my priorities seemed to change a little.
The trip was coming to an end, and I wanted to take advantage of every moment with Cadance, so we took a little detour to this quaint little restaurant.
"Hey, I have to use the ladies room," Cadance stated, giving me a pec on the cheek. "So I'll be back in a minute."
"Alrighty." I nodded.
So, I was sitting there in my seat when I noticed these three big, tough stallions. They looked out of place, so it kind of caught me off guard.
That is before I saw something else that caught my attention.
"Oh, God, nonononononono!"
I quickly paid for our lunch as I saw the wagon driving off. I rushed outside and got in front of it, catching Cadance in the driver's seat.
"What the hell?!" I huffed. "Are you trying to ditch me?!"
"N-No, no," she stuttered nervously. "I didn't want to, I'm sorry. Did you see those three guys back in there, the violent looking ones?"
"What about them?"
"The biggest one is my fiancé. I-I'll explain everything, we gotta get outta here!"
She was pretty frantic, and I definitely didn't want to deal with those guys, so I hopped in.
"How did he find you?"
Once we found a place to pull over, that's when I found out there was alot more to Cadance's story than she'd originally let on.
"I wasn't exactly honest with you," she sighed. "My fiancé......didn't exactly leave me at the altar. I left him."
"Why?" I asked.
"He's a drug dealer. His whole family and friends are too. And when I saw them all together at the wedding, I got a glimpse of my future and I got scared."
"Okay......okay, we're going to be okay. Oi..."
It was definitely scary to think about what would happen if this guy found us, but it didn't change the way that I felt about Cadance.
At that point, I honestly thought I was falling in love with her, and I was pretty sure she felt the same way about me.
[DAY 4]
We were about to continue our trip to Ponyville to drop Cadance off, when I was just......overcome with emotion.
"I can't go forward."
"W-What?" Cadance said, confused.
"I don't want this to end."
"...what if it doesn't have to?"
And that is when our adventure went from crazy to certifiable.
"What do you mean, Cadance?"
"Forget Ponyville. Let's both go to Las Pegasus and......get married."
"What?" I scoffed. "That's just-"
"Crazy? Who cares? For once in your life, stop overthinking things and......what does your heart say?"
It was crazy, but it has been the most amazing week of my life, and nothing else seemed to matter anymore, my job, the wagon, the company rules. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want this to end, so...
"Screw it, let's do it!" I cheered.
"Squee!"
Looking back, the 30 seconds that we spent engaged was the happiest of my life.
"Oh, no, he found us!" Cadance gasped.
"W-What, how do you know?"
"That wagon out there is his, it's him!"
"What do we do then?"
"You need to go talk to him."
"Me? Talk to the drug dealer?!"
"Yes, we're in a public place, he probably won't do anything here."
"But what happens when we're not in a public place?"
"Please. We can't live our lives this way, it'll never end."
What was I gonna say to this guy?
"I'm sorry I stole your fiancé. Let's hug it out."
"Fine." I groaned.
"I love you." Cadance said wholeheartedly. "Be careful."
I puffed out my chest and I tried to appear calm, but honestly, I was scared out of my mind.
"Hey," I grunted, tapping the large wagon. "It's over. Cadance doesn't want you anymore, you hear me?"
The door cracked open enough for me to yank it open.
"Sonny, you break that door, you're paying for it." the old stallion inside said sternly.
It was an elderly pony couple.
Before I could react, I spot the wagon driving off down the road.
As I watched the love of my life drive away, in my father's $7,500 wagon...
"I'm in trouble."
I realized I'd made a pretty bad error in judgement. I found out later from the police that Cadance wasn't a runaway bride.
She was a runaway criminal that the authorities called "The Wedding Bandit".
That day that she flagged me down, well, the cops were after her. Cadance would put on that dress, then she would go to wedding halls, and while one couple was saying their I Do's, she'd grab all the gifts filled with bits, checks and expensive gifts that she could find and stuff them into that giant duffle bag.
Oh, and her "best friend" in Las Pegasus, just a bunch of identity thieves.
I was her free ride.
That day in the diner was a perfect opportunity for her to ditch me. The whole pursuing fiancé stuff? Totally bogus. She used those stallions as the perfect excuse.
And I bought every second of it.
Least I did something crazy like dad wished.
The police caught up to Cadance before she hit Las Pegasus.
She allegedly slept with her parole officer and is back on the run.
"YOU COWARD, YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST RUN OUT ON ME?! COME BACK HERE, NOW!!!"
I've recently moved in with my marefriend, Silver Spoon. After six weeks, I realized that she had control and......we'll call it anger issues.
Let's just say I needed a little space.
"YOU FORGOT YOU'RE JUNK, YOU LOSER!"
[DAY 1]
After my split from Silver, I was just happy to be single again. I threw myself into my work as a writer and started spending alot of time at the library.
"May I check you out?"
And that was where I met Twist.
"Oh, my books," I uttered awkwardly. "Yes, thank you."
"They're due back in three weeks," she said with a playful smile. "Don't make me come looking for you."
"Heh, don't worry, you'll see me again soon."
[DAY 17]
"Fancy seeing you here."
"Yeah, what a coincidence."
I went back to that library every day over the next few weeks just to see Twist.
[DAY 20]
"Sure doing alot of reading there, aren't ya, Surn?"
"Eeyup," I nodded. "I love......books."
There was something about her that I really liked.
But I'm pretty shy.
[DAY 25]
"Okay, due back in three weeks."
"Thanks again, Twist."
So it took me a while to get up the nerve to finally ask her out.
"Hey, Twist, I..." I gulped, approaching the mare. "So, I was wondering if you're free sometime to......have a drink, or s-something."
"Oh, that's so sweet, thank you," she sighed. "But, um, I've kinda been seeing somepony for the past few weeks and you know, we're sort of dating, so..."
"Oh, yeah, totally get it. No problem."
Story of my life, you know?
Too little too late.
"You still want the book?" Twist asked as I prepared to leave.
"Oh, yeah," I sighed. "Thanks..."
[DAY 35]
A little over a week later, I swallowed my pride and went back to the library, and all of a sudden-
"Hi."
There was Twist, standing right in front of me. I didn't want it to be awkward, so I made small talk.
"Hey, how are you?" I asked. "How's things?"
"Good, thanks."
"..."
"..."
But it was still pretty awkward.
"Uh, I'm not seeing that guy anymore " she stated. "So, I just though, you know..."
"Oh, really?" I uttered. "Well, are you free Saturday night?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Cool."
We made plans right then and there, and just like that, I got a date with Twist.
"Okay, I'll see ya." she chimed.
"See ya."
[DAY 39]
"And there's this giant security guard chasing me down, my friends take off in the wagon, so I had to jump a fence with my shirt filled with cupcakes and potato chips!"
"Hee hee, that's insane!"
On our first date, we didn't waste any time trying to get to know each other. Twist and I, I mean, we hit it off right away.
"Okay, what about you?" I asked her. "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
"I killed a guy."
"Ha ha, very-"
"..."
"...wait, huh?"
At first, I thought she was joking, but then she just had this look in her eye.
"Are you......a-are you kidding?"
"......yes." she said, a sly smile forming on her face. "I totes had you there for a second, ha!"
"Heh, you did."
"Hee hee hee!"
I'm not afraid to admit it, I fell for it. I actually believed that she killed somepony.
"You should've seen your face there!"
"Okay, really?"
"We don't know each other well enough for me to tell you, silly. Not yet."
That was good enough for me, I mean, there's nothing wrong with a little mystery. We all have skeletons in our closet, right?
[DAY 50]
"Are you sure we should be back-"
"Shhh..."
Pretty soon, Twist and I were spending all of our time together. She was everything I was looking for in a relationship. And I found out that she was no innocent librarian.
She definitely had a wild side.
[DAY 180]
I was crazy about Twist, and I just knew she was the one for me. So there was only one thing left for me to do.
We had dinner at a fancy restaurant where I asked her the age-old question.
Gasp!
"Twist, will you marry me?" I asked her, on bended hoof.
"Y-Yes," she squealed, pulling me into a tight hug. "Yes, I will!"
Yeah, I knew things were moving pretty fast, but it all seemed pretty simple. She was happy, I was happy.
What could possibly go wrong?
[DAY 181]
"Holy sh-"
"She's the one, Rumble. I can just feel it!"
I was really excited about getting engaged, but my best friend Featherweight didn't share my enthusiasm.
"Do you remember feeling Silver Spoon smash you in the face?" he asked. "You've known Twist......six months? That's not that long, dude."
"Aw, come on, Feath-"
"Look, I've always wanted to plan a bachelor party, but this is a bad idea. Mark my words, buddy. I know what I'm talking about."
Ah, I've forgotten to mention that Featherweight is a divorce lawyer, so he doesn't have the best attitude about marriage.
"Relax," I reassured him. "It's gonna be great. It is, it's gonna be great."
That was exactly what I said three months before my last marefriend broke my nose...
[DAY 245]
"Wouldn't it be perfect, Surn? It's got enough room for a little library!"
I wasn't long before Twist and I found our perfect starter house, but the down payment alone was gonna wipe out my savings.
"This is going to be our place," Twist stated, pulling out a slip of paper.
Then, Twist did something pretty shocking.
"I wanna pay my fair share."
The check was for half the down payment.
"Oh, Twist, this is a fortune." I winced.
"Don't worry, I didn't rob a bank, goof."
But I still couldn't imagine how a librarian could come up with that kind of money.
"My uncle passed away a few years ago," she stated. "He never had kids, so he left it to his favorite niece."
I remember thinking, "Twist is perfect, and Featherweight doesn't know what the hell he's talking about."
I was a lucky guy, and life was good...
For a while.
[DAY 289]
KNOCK KNOCK!
We'd only been in the new house for a couple of weeks when we started getting random, strange knocks in the middle of the night.
Either whoever was knocking would take off before I could see them, or say something weird beforehand, like "Let me talk to the lady." or whatever creep stuff like that.
Twist seemed just as confused as I was.
Unfortunately, that was just the beginning.
KNOCK KNOCK!
KNOCK KNOCK!
[DAY 293]
Right after the late-night visits started, stallions began driving by in the middle of the night, yelling all kinds of stuff that I probably can't say here. Usually drunk and waving money around and I didn't really know what to make of it...
"Hey, is the madam of the house home?" one stallion cackled, waving of bag of bits
Or how to explain it.
[DAY 295]
Eventually, I met up with Featherweight to tell him about what's been happening, and...
"Wake up, Surn! I know this is tough, but you need to grow a pair and find out what's really going on!"
He didn't take the info well.
"Look, Feather, I-"
"All I'm saying is check her laptop, just once," Featherweight said. "And if you don't find anything, I'll shut up."
[DAY 297]
I hate to say it, but the last time I didn't listen to FW about a mare, I ended up losing my wagon and my cat to someone I dated for six weeks.
So, I jumped onto Twist's laptop.
I felt guilty 'cuz I didn't find anything suspicious.
At first.
Then, I found an old email from her college roommate with the subject line, "Gotta pay the bills." and there was a photo of her with other stallions attached.
My first thought that entered my mind was, "Was my wife an escort?"
I tried not to freak out, but I definitely needed some answers. And I didn't want Twist to know I was snooping, so the next night, after a couple glasses of cider, I started asking her about her college days.
"Come on, Twist," I chuckled. "You can drop the little miss innocent routine, I know you better than that. What's the craziest thing you've done in college?"
"Well..." Twist chimed. "I worked at a gentlecolt's club."
"You did what?"
"It was only for a weekend. My crazy roommate talked me into it."
We all did stupid things in college, and it totally explained that picture.
"Heh, can't believe I just told you that." Twist giggles playfully. "So embarrassiiiiiiing."
"Aww, don't be embarrassed." I laughed.
I was actually sort of relieved.
[DAY 305]
The next weekend, Twist was away at her parents', and I heard a knock at the door.
I'd seen this stallion come by about five times in the past two nights.
"Um, is there a lady-"
"There's no lady, just me." I cut him off.
I couldn't take it anymore. I needes some answers.
"You're gonna tell me exactly how you got this address." I said sternly. "Start talking."
He pulled out a flyer and showed it to me.
I couldn't believe what I saw.
It was a picture of Twist under a text.
THIS BAD GIRL KNOWS WHAT YOU NEED.
It read.
I can't even begin to tell you how betrayed I felt. Everything was falling apart, and......my head was spinning.
As much as I hated to admit it, Featherweight was right, but I didn't know what to do.
[DAY 307]
That morning, Featherweight had already called his buddies at the D.A.'s office and told them everything. It was killing me, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
"W-Wait, what are you talking about?" Twist whined as the officers cuff her. "You don't understand, I'm the victim here, stop!"
"Ma'am, you have the right to remain silent."
I felt terrible, watching the mare that I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with get taken away in hoof cuffs.
But, part of me wondered if I actually had done the right thing...
Even after a week in jail, Twist claimed she was innocent.
[DAY 325]
I hired a private investigator to send me everything he could find on the website and flyers, including Twist's client list. What he found almost made things worse, if you can believe that.
It wasn't Twist's website.
"Does THAT name ring a bell to you, Featherweight?"
It was registered to Silver...
I hadn't seen or heard a thing from her since she broke my nose, but apparently she'd been stalking me for months.
She was furious when I started dating Twist. But when she saw that engagement ring, apparently she lost it. So she created that fake website and painted Twist as a hooker. Little by little, destroyed our lives.
It was brilliant, in a twisted, sociopath kinda way. And I'm not sure what upsets me more. That Silver would do something that evil...
Or that I totally fell for it.
Silver Spoon was convicted of conspiracy to solicit prostitution.
She was sentenced to three years probation.
Six months after her arrest, Twist allowed Surn to move back into their house.
Thunderlane and I met on a blind date, and then two years later, we're engaged. He was smart, ambitious, and we were planning our wedding while cooking outside.
"I know that look," he chuckled to himself. "How much is us tying the knot gonna cost?"
"I was just imagining music." I stated. "Listen, I think we need a string quartet. Just to set a romantic mood. What do ya think?"
"A string duet, maybe?"
"That is not real."
"Alright, a quartet."
"You are the best, babe!"
Sure, planning a wedding was stressful, and everything cost more than we thought it would, but Thundy, he was being really great about it.
Even if he did kind of push back every once in a while.
"Come on, let's go inside." I said, staring out over the clouds horizon. "Sounds like it's gonna storm soon."
"Nah, you go ahead," Thundy brushed off. "I'll be in too."
"It's about to pour any second. We can throw carrots on the stove."
"Eh, you can't get the charred flavor from the stove, ya know? It's just a little water. You go ahead, I'll be alright."
"I am marrying a crazy stallion."
"Heh, I love you too."
I just knew we were meant to be together, and I didn't think anything could stand in our way.
BOOM!
In the kitchen, Thunderlane waved from outside for my attention.
"Thundy?" I said. "What's up?"
"The bedroom window's open." he stated, pointing up his spatula. "Can you close-"
ZZZZZZZAP!!!
"Thundy!"
Yep, Thuderlane got hit by lightning.
How ironic.
And if you thought it couldn't get any worse, you'd be wrong.
[DAY 753]
The medics told me he stopped responding for almost a minute and that technically, he should've been dead.
"You need anything?" the nurse asked.
"No, thanks." I sighed.
Thunderlane survived, but he was in a coma. And nopony knew if he was gonna come out of it.
"You know, you can go home for a while," the nurse nodded. "I promise to call you if anything changes."
"Okay."
I'd been by his side for three days straight. I really wanted to be the first pony he saw when he came to, but eventually I HAD to go home.
[DAY 754]
The next morning, I got the call.
I got to the hospital as fast as I could.
"Thundy!" I squealed, trotting into his room.
"Hey," he said softly. "They said I died. I was looking for you."
"I'm so sorry. Look, I just went home for an hour. I'm so glad you're okay."
I couldn't believe I had my fiancé back.
A few days later, I stopped by after work and Thunderlane was on his laptop.
I was glad to see he was getting better. But then I realized he was acting a little strange. It was like he was in a weird trance or something.
"Is everything okay?" I asked.
"I was just thinking," he stated. "About the white light."
"About the what?"
The doctors had prepared me for some possible memory loss and said that it might be a while for him to seem like himself again. But they did not prepare me for what I was about to hear.
"When I was in that other place," Thundy continued. "There were these voices that said everything's gonna be okay. They helped me come back. They're still with me......here."
"Still with you here?" I said in confusion.
"I-It's all confusing, I think I just need to get some rest."
"Um, well then, you get some rest, alright? I'm gonna get some coffee."
He told me that he almost crossed over to the afterlife but was saved by angels that were still with him...
All I could think was: I need coffee.
"I know, but not yet." Thundy whispered to himself.
"What was that?" I asked.
"N-Nothing, I was just thinking out loud."
"...okay?"
I told myself this just had to be a temporary side effect.
But what if it wasn't?
[DAY 757]
"Babe, you awake?"
The next day, I was bringing Thunderlane some food.
"You've gotta get outta here before she comes." I heard him utter.
And he was at it again.
"If she comes and sees me talking to you-"
"Who are you talking to?" I asked, stepping into his room.
Thundy just......pointed at the wall.
"There's nopony there." I said.
"Yeah, it seems that way. Ever since I came back, they know I can hear them."
"Y-You mean..."
"The departed. They come to me. Am I going crazy?"
I wouldn't say "going crazy"
I'd say he went completely nuts.
[DAY 761]
"He can talk to the other side, it's kinda awesome, Vi."
There was only one pony I could go to with this. My friend Flitter, who read all those paranormal novels and everything.
"Awesome?" I groaned. "Come on, seriously."
"This kind of stuff happens all the time. I mean, look, the trauma has kind of opened up Thunderlane's mind to another dimension. I wonder if he could talk to my grandpa and see if I was really cut out of the will."
"Flitter, seriously, okay. No, none of this is real."
"Vi, it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself."
Damn right, I was trying to convince myself. The stallion I was going to marry in, like, three months was hanging out with dead ponies!
Who the hell wants to believe that's a real thing?
[DAY 762]
The next day, I went back to see if Thunderlane was still chillin' out with Beetle Cider or Capper the Friendly Ghost.
"Baby, I know this is really weird for you." he sighed.
Pffft, that's one way to put it...
"It's weird for me too, believe me," he continued. "But I didn't choose this. They chose me. And it's not like I can just walk away from them."
"Okay, look," I said. "I'm gonna go talk to your doctor, okay?"
"Wait, Vi..."
"What?"
"I-It's in the kitchen. In the space next to the refrigerator."
".........what?"
"That's all she said before she left."
I asked him, "That's what WHO said before WHO left?"
And he just said-
"I don't know."
At that point, I was convinced that he lost his marbles, and I didn't know whether he'd snap out of it. When I got home, I was just trying to block everything outta my mind: the accident, Thundy talking to the dead.
But I started thinking about the last thing he said to me at the hospital. There was NO way there was going to be anything there, but I figured what the hay, can't hurt, right?
I checked next to the refrigerator to find...
A gold bracelet.
It was the first present Thunderlane ever got me. It had been missing for a few days and I was worried that I lost it. But there it was, right where Thundy said it would be.
I started wondering:
How the hell could he have known that?
Unless...
[DAY 763]
"Okay, just stop it!"
First thing the next morning, I went to check on Thundy.
"I'm not listening to you anymore, you don't know anything!"
"Babe, what's the matter?" I asked, worried.
"I-It's nothing, you should go home, Vi."
"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what this is all about."
"Your family. They don't like me. Cousin Philly, Grandma Nimbus..."
Grandma Nimbus passed away ten years before I even met Thundy, and I never mentioned her.
And Philly was my dad's cousin, who passed when I was a baby.
"Y-You're talking to them too?" I stuttered.
"They're mad at me because we're getting married and they can all go screw themselves!"
That was definitely the moment where all this became way, WAY too messed up.
[DAY 764]
"So now he's fighting with the spirit world?" Flitter winced. "That can't be good."
"Well, what do they know, Flit?"
"So now you believe?"
"M-Maybe it's like a miracle."
"Eh, I wouldn't necessarily call it a miracle if your fiancé is fighting with your dead relatives. You know, that's alot of bad energy to bring into planning a wedding."
Flitter was right.
How could I go through with the wedding if Thunderlane was in a feud with my dead relatives?
There's no wedding vow to cover that kind of crazy.
When I got home that night, there was shattered glass everywhere. Someone, or something smashed our framed photos. But not all of them were broken...
Just the pictures with Thundy in them.
It was, hooves down, the freakiest thing I'd ever seen in my life. I knew I had to get back to the hospital. When I got there, I could hear Thunderlane talking from the hallway, and I figured he was just chatting with the dead again.
But the second I opened the curtains...
"Vi!"
I decided HE was the dead one.
"Y-You remember Nurse Redheart, right?" he stammered with said nurse laying on top of him.
And just like that, it all made sense. Thunderlane wasn't a medium. He was a cheater having cold hooves. I got him to admit the whole thing.
Before the accident, he was already having second thoughts. Then when he woke up, the nurse was the first pony he saw. Right then and there, he fell for her and decided he wasn't ready to marry me.
The day that I found him on his laptop? He was researching my family history on an ancestry site, that's how he knew the name of all my relatives.
And him speaking to the dead? Nurse Redheart would buzz him every time I checked in so he would know when to start talking. Thunderlane told her where to find a spare key at our house. She was the one who planted the bracelet. And the one who smashed the photos.
All that because he didn't have the balls to tell me he was having second thoughts about getting married.
Lightning is 20% cooler than thunder anyways.
Thunderlane and Nurse Redheart took a trip to Hay-waii...
My dragonfriend Spike and I dated for six months before moving in together. I knew he wasn't the neatest guy in the world, but when I went out of town for business for a few days, I was hoping he wouldn't let the place go to hell.
But when I walked through that door...
"Ugh, are you serious?"
I realized he was a hopeless slob at heart.
"Hey, you," Spike chimed, stepping into the filthy living room. "You're home early."
"I told you I would be home Saturday afternoon."
"Well it's 1:30. It's not really afternoon."
"Spikey, that makes zero sense."
"Anyways, I was just about to start cleaning."
"Uh huh..."
"You're mad."
"No, I'm not mad, but it would be nice to come home to a clean house."
"L-Listen, I'm on it. I swear."
We'd only been living under the same roof for a month. But as much as I loved him, I couldn't go on living like this.
[DAY 211]
"How did you not see this coming?"
"We always hung out at my house, June. When we finally did go over to his place, he blamed the mess on his roommate."
I unloaded everything on my friend, Junebug. She liked Spike, but she knew this was an ongoing issue for us.
"You can't force someone to change, right?" I sighed.
"Uh, the hell you can't." June scoffed. "What's the point of getting into a relationship with someone if you can't mold them into something better?"
"I don't-"
"Look, check this out."
"Fine, I'll try anything at this point."
June showed me a clip from a documentary on her laptop that was truly nasty.
"Ugh, no!"
But I immediately figured it just might be crazy enough to actually work.
[DAY 212]
"Alrighty, tonight I'm choosing. We're watching a documentary."
"Aww, you know how much I hate documentaries." Spike groaned. "Come on, let's watch a comedy. I hate to think when I watch a movie."
"Okay, I'll tell you what. If you do this for me now, I will do something for you later."
"Well start it up, Goldie. What is this about? I already like it."
"Great..."
The film was called "Nasty Roommates: The Microscopic Inhabitants of Your Home."
One thing I knew about Spike, he was really afraid of bugs.
Like, really afraid.
So I was pretty sure he would react big time to the fact that millions of microscopic critters can invade a dirty home.
"Sweet Celestia, what IS that?" he gagged, staring at the tiny bugs on the screen.
"They occupy our skin, our clothes, our beds," the narrator stated. "Everywhere we go, they go along for the ride."
It was working, Spike was getting sucked in. I'd never seen him so terrified.
"In fact, dead skin makes up 90% of the dust on the floors, and a plethora of creatures reside within as well."
CRUNCH!
"Oh, man!" Spike squealed.
"Is it too much for you?" I asked.
"No, no, i-it's very informative. Very, very informative."
By the time it was over, Spike looked like a kid coming out of his first horror film. I felt bad that he was still squirming that night in bed, but I figured it was for his own good.
"You okay, Spike?"
"Y-Yeah, I......I need a shower."
I had no idea what I'd started by showing him that movie.
[DAY 213]
The next morning, I realized Spike never came back to bed.
And to my surprise, the place was spotless.
The dishes were done, the appliances looked brand-new, and it wasn't even 8AM.
"Whoa..."
"Good morning, you."
And there he was, looking nice and and tidy...
And wearing my too-small-for-him clothes.
"Why are you wearing my clothes?"
"My clothes are all in the wash and drying, so I just put this on." he stated. "But don't worry, I'm gonna do your laundry next and I'll wash this next."
"Hee, you don't have to do my laundry."
"No, no, listen. I got the message watching the documentary, I understand. It's time for me to start cleaning and doing my part around here. Sorry, I've been a mess."
"Thank you, Spikey."
"You're welcome."
And that was the first day of the new Spike. Things around the house were never gonna be the same again.
Never.
[DAY 220]
First came the excessive cleaning.
Then came the changes around the house...
"Okay, Goldie, open your eyes."
Like our new air mattress.
"What did you do with my bed?" I huffed.
"Oh, I got rid of it." Spike nodded. "Don't you know that after eight years, a mattress doubles in weight because of dead skin, sweat and dust mites? It's like sleeping in a graveyard, eww."
[DAY 226]
It even affected our sex life.
"Spike, what happened to your arm?"
And not in a good way.
"I shaved."
"Shaved? But dragons don't grow hair. You just cut the skin."
"I know, just being thorough. I mean, you'd be amazed how many germs and microbes live in your hair and body. It's gross."
"You shaved......everything?"
"Everything. Why would I shave one part of the forest if they're just gonna migrate to the next."
It was the strangest sex I've ever had.
It was like doing it with a dolphin.
[DAY 242]
"Hi, babe."
I tried to be supportive of Spike's new lifestyle, but after a month of it, there was only so much I could take.
"What are you doing home so early?"
"Oh, I had to quit my job today." he said.
"What do you mean? Quit?"
"I had to, the place was filthy. It was appalling, I couldn't even use the bathroom."
He made it sound like he worked on a pig farm.
He worked in an accounting office.
"Do you even realize how insane you sound?" I snorted. "This obsession with cleanliness has GOT to stop."
"I don't understand," Spike shrugged. "When we first moved in together, all you did was complain about a slob I was, and now I start cleaning and you're still mad at me? It's just not fair."
He was right. This was my fault.
"Can you do me a favor, Gold? You have some soiled skivvies in the bedroom, can you bring them in here?"
"No."
And I had no idea how to put the genie back in his bottle.
[DAY 245]
"I'm telling ya, June, I've created a monster."
"Ha, it can't be that bad."
"I'd have to wrap myself in plastic wrap if I wanted to make love."
"At least you can still have a sense of humor about it."
"That wasn't a joke, he actually told me that."
"Oh......oh, my. Maybe it's ultimatum time. Either he goes back to being a slob, or you're out."
"I don't know."
Ultimatums aren't really my style, but I had to do something. And quick.
[DAY 247]
I did some research online and stumbled across a little gem called immersion therapy. The way I figured it, the only way to get Spike to kick the clean...
"No, don't pour the syrup all over the- awwww, I just cleaned there!"
Was to get him down and dirty.
I'm talking filthy.
"Don't do it."
"Hmm?"
"No, keep that tongue away from the counter."
"Mmm-mmm."
"Don't do- ewwwwwww, ughhh!"
And that was just the beginning.
For the next week, there would be no mopping, no dishes, no disinfectant and dirty laundry everywhere.
[DAY 254]
And then came the final test.
I gathered up all the dirty laundry, put it in the middle of the living room and forced him to handle it.
Not so extreme for a sane pony.
"Come on, you got it." I nodded.
But for Spike, it would be like touching roadkill.
"This one- ugh," he panted nervously, reaching for a shirt. "I dunno if I can-"
"It's touching you're skin, you're doing good."
"I......yeah, I am. I-I'm feeling great."
"There ya go."
"Look at me, I'm better!"
Spike seemed completely normal again. And I actually went to work that day thinking that things were finally gonna go back to normal.
That was not the case.
"OMC..."
I came home to find firefighters surrounding my house.
"Spike, are you okay?!"
"Oh, yeah..." he uttered.
"What the hell happened?!"
"Well......you're not gonna like this, but, uh..."
Turns out, Spike definitely wasn't as okay as I thought he was.
He lasted a little while after I left, but then he snapped. He gathered up all the dirty laundry with a plan to kill all the creepy things he was sure infested everything.
The bathroom went up in flames.
He could've burnt the entire place to the ground.
"Got a little soot there, Goldie, lemme-"
"I will bucking kill you."
"My bad."
Spike met somepony much more suitable for him. Another clean freak.
I hear they're very happy.
Golden started dating one of the firefighters she met that night.
Spike landed in the psych ward after falling into the kids pool at a waterpark.
