Sunset: Through a Mirror Darkly

Twinkleshine64 stories ·151 members

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BoredAuthor817

BoredAuthor817 #1 · Sep 5th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Hmm... well this is certainly an interesting turn from what you had before. Kinda digging the MI vibe and a technomagic Equestria.

Though, that theme? Really? The 1966 version is far superior. Everything else us just knockoff.

All you have to do is step up on one, and it teleports the waste right out of you.

LOL! Don't know why, but that made me instantly think of this. (Sorry about the text on the bottom. It's the only clip I could find.)

Okay, all joking aside, this seems like a pretty good start and I'm interested to see where it goes.

My only criticism would be just how the other characters are introduced. Don't feel like you need to need to explain what these characters are and their relationship to each other upfront. Explaining Sunset's relationships with Snowbank and Celestia are okay because it felt natural and made sense within the context of their conversation. But telling us about about her relation to the others seemed a bit off.

Maybe there is another way of writting it here that it doesn't disrupt the flow so much. Personally, I subscribe to the opinion that you let things about the characters unfold as the story plays out.

Anyway, this is on my watchlist now. We'll see where it goes :)

Ariel Schnee

Ariel Schnee #2 · Sep 6th, 2019 · · 1 ·

9818698

I edited it, Check it out and see. See if it's any better.

BoredAuthor817

BoredAuthor817 #3 · Sep 6th, 2019 · 1 · ·

9819717
Much better! Like I said, it was just the way it was initially written that just threw off the flow. Which seemed kinda weird to me because everything else is fine.

You seem off to a good start. We'll see what happens next.

Ariel Schnee