• Member Since 2nd Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 9th, 2019

Zen


Long time brony

T

An accident on Earth creates a rift between Earth and an undiscovered world. This same accident also opened a similar rift between Equestria and this new land, and both humans and ponies came to live in peace. However, things are not quite as they seem, and disruptions across Haven create concerns over their new home.

Chapters (9)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 25 )

Alright Zen, I'm going to be completely honest and blunt.

Even with this being a chapter for introduction and background, it all felt a touch forced. Even taking quite a bit at face value, it is very hard be stay believable that several cities were built within a year. this is because cities described would require materials, planning, and stuff like food sustainability.

This seemed a bit "tell" heavy, rather than "show". It lacked a balance between dialogue and description. This could be cured by showing that Zen likes to be with people or reminisce with a friend to tell the backstory with a better flair to it.

Hope thi helps in some way. (please don't hate me :fluttercry:)

Zen

1076661 ...meant to edit that part about the cities being built so quickly. >.< /needstoproofreadbetter

1076685

(psst, I can help if you want)

Zen

1076691 I've got it, just need to proofread when I'm not tired. xD If I need help with that though I'll let you know.

Zen

Well that took WAY too long...

Try to make the long descriptions a little more interesting, other than that, it's perfect, keep up the good work.

Zen

1558364

Funny, I was trying to avoid being overly wordy. :rainbowlaugh:

Zen

Welp, wanted to get this up last week but then family shit and NEW PONY GAME! Curse you Gameloft! *shakesfist* I also wanted to add the events of the next chapter to this one, but thought that maybe it could be its own separate chapter, so hopefully that one won't take too long to get put up.

If you want to add me: eonkrate32

Zen

Slightly shorter chapter, but yay for progress!

Damn, I have the same name for my stories universe.

Zen

1623935

Haha, that's pretty funny. I've come across another fic that uses my usual internet handle Zenith as the title and name of the main character before.

MOAR I DEMAND MOAR MEIN FRUEND

Zen

Well this is by far the longest chapter I've written for Another World to date. Hope you guys enjoy! :pinkiehappy:

1719050 Are you stalking me? You are on all my favorite stories :rainbowhuh:
Keed. Good to see you have good taste in literature :pinkiehappy:

I think I'm in love with your writing style. I can easily imagine the characters' voices when reading their parts and the amount of detail you portray upon arriving at a new scene gives me a firm idea of what you imagine Harmony Point to look like. However, even more so than detail, I appreciate the realistic conversations they have with each other. Small conversation quirks and everything! My favorite one in this chapter being when Zen goes "Huh?", then continues on to respond. I think it's safe to say that I'm addicted to your story.

Zen

1741544

I'm glad that you like it so much! :pinkiehappy:

I had not known you came that close to obliteration.

Reluctantly more on subject, even after a 5-6 month gap, you still have that realistic conversation style I very much enjoy. Still, it felt short with how much he gets sidetracked, so I'll anticipate the next chapter where I assume things get juicy!

Zen

3526470

Well this chapter was supposed to be uploaded with the next one and as such was only supposed to be a transition/lore building. However since progress on the next chapter has all but halted I just decided to throw this up here anyways.

Thanks for the support though! :twilightsmile:

(Also yes, I had quite a few close calls while traipsing across the plains)

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!