The Flash
I sit here in this cell and yet all I can think is *how did it go so wrong*, I was starting to adjust to this world and it’s differences from mine. I had just gotten my own home, a paying job, frie- no they were never my “Friends” now that I look back on it. They turned on me the moment something went wrong, the moment one of those damn beings spouted bullshit.
I should have run when I had the chance, but no I thought I could tell my own side of the story, thought they would give me the benefit of the doubt. But now that I look back on it I should have figured they wouldn’t, they saw me as nothing but a intelligent animal. They never saw me as an equal and I let myself fall into the trap they set for me.
I do know this, they will NEVER have my trust again.
I just have to bide my time and hope the allies I have made come for me, I just hope these Beings are as lax in their Guard core as they are in their brains.
I just sat there for who knows how long, waiting. Staring at the door, the only way in and out of this two by two hell. I was starting to think I had been forgotten, left to rot in this cell like some long forgotten relic of the past. But then the noise started, a soft clip clop, clip clop of iron shoes against stone in two sets. The noise slowly getting closer as time progressed, it was agonizing, purposeful and the guards took pleasure in it.
It seemed like a century, but was in all likely only minutes, before the noise stopped in front of the door to my cell. I could hear the guard speaking softly on the other side, probably discussing how best to handle me, to get me to the sham trial they were likely going to hold for me.
The discussion went on for quite a few minutes, before they went quiet. Then the jingle of keys on a metal ring was heard, before a scraping sound came from the door. There was the sound of clicking as the tumblers started turning in the lock and then the door started opening. Once the door was fully open I saw my escort for this walk down the green mile.
The one standing in the door was a White equine with gold armor and a Roman styled brush helmet, he had a horn poking out from the middle of his forehead and stood at about five foot three inches. These equine’s stood on their rear hooves like I stood on my feet and legs, it was odd to me even now, but it sure made them more appealing and I didn’t have to look down at them too far to speak with one.
The guard stepped further into my cell before speaking “Prisoner 24601, your time for trial has come. Please turn your back so I may put the restraints on you” he held up a set of iron restraints for me too see.
I looked at the iron restraints, I have have to keep up the false front of cooperation as much as I don’t like it. I turned and put my hands behind my back, I hear him step forward and, to my surprise, gently put them on me and tighten them only enough to ensure they stay.
He steps back and speaks once again “I am to escort you to trial room thirty one, as you have shown no resistance to your guards you were granted minimum restraints” he turns his back to me and steps out the door of my cell and motions for me to follow him.
I am surprised by how well they are treating me, how much trust they are showing me in granting me minimum restraints for this trip to the Trial room. Something must have happened in the time since I was put in this small cell, though if that is a good or bad change I do not know yet. But I guess the only way to find out is to follow him.
I step out of the cell behind him, finding another of the guard standing to the left in the hallway. I was expecting more than this for an escort, but I guess I can’t complain. The guard that put the restraints on me turns to the left and I follow him, the pace is slow but after sitting down for so long any movement is welcome. He leads me down a long hallway, the other Guard following behind me, as we progress we make two left turns and a right turn before reaching a staircase up to what I guess is the Trial room area.
We reach the top of the stairs and proceed through a door into a long marble and gold lined hallway. We almost instantly make a sharp left turn down the hallway and walk for a good while before arriving at a set of double doors. Sitting on each side of the door are two more guards, only these two are in silver-grey armor and standing at attention with short pole axes in their hooves. I can only assume this is the Trail room I am to face my sham trial at, I straighten up my posture waiting for one of the Guards near the door to open one of the doors so I may enter.
It has been a good few minutes since I arrived at the doors, I can only assume they are still preparing the room and getting the audience settled down before I am called. It’s funny really, I don’t even know if I have a lawyer to defend me. I don’t even know if I even GET to defend myself or if this sham of a trial is just for show and my guilt has already been decided.
It only took a few more minutes before I was tapped on my back, upon turning around I see the guard that escorted me here motion me forward as I hear a clunking and the groan of the door to my fate open. I turn and start walking forward into a large room, I look to my left and see a two floor seating section kind of like the old magistrate court rooms in victorian England. In front of the lowest seating section is a low wall with a small half door and two podiums.
I look into the seating areas, only to find them packed with ponies of all ages. Sitting in the front row of the lower seating section on the side of the prosecution is the six mares that abandoned me when I needed them most, those six that I had thought were my friends. I turn my head to look behind them, low and behold a good portion of the town I used to call my home is sitting there.
I turn my head to the right and spy the sitting thrones for the Judges, with two lower seats for a witness to speak from on the right and a court recorder on the left. While I am taking all this in I am being guided towards the podium for the defendant, no Solicitor like I suspected so it would seem this is just for show. I am finally led to my seat, at which point the escorting Guard steps to the side and behind me as I sit down in the chair that is to small for me.
As I sit down, the Guard once again steps forward and turns to face me before bending down to link the cuffs to the chain on the floor. As he starts to get back up I feel him place a fore hoof onto my right shoulder to “steady” himself and as he does he leans in and whispers.
I can only just make it out but what is said makes me grin slightly “You have friends in high places, should this sham go poorly for you lean your head down and whisper ‘release’ and the cuffs will unlock” my grin gets just a bit bigger before he continues “wait thirty seconds and then close your eyes and cover your ears as things will then get very loud” with that he pulls his hoof away and stands up fully before moving away and to the right.
I am sitting in the chair for only a few minutes after that revelation before the Bailiff steps out of a side door and walks to the front of the Trial Room. The Bailiff turns to look at the stands and begins speaking in an Official and loud voice “Hear Ye Hear Ye, this is Docket 9: Equestria v The Human Jack Ironborn, Charges follow: Involuntary ponyslaughter, assault with a deadly weapon, Aggravated assault and Battery. The judge will now step into the Trial Room” the door that the Bailiff came out of slowly opened again and out stepped, not so surprisingly, the Princess of the Sun herself.
Almost as one the entire Room shuffles to bow for the princess, but I do not. If what the Guard says is true then I am going to snuff them at every chance I get. She walks to the right throne like judge seat before sitting down and waving to the Bailiff. At the wave the Bailiff turns back towards the audience “you may all be seated” with that said the shuffling noise happens again as they all sit back down on the pews.
I stay standing, knowing what is about to come from what I remember about that one Day Court trial I was able to see some time ago. I know that unlike that singular trial I have already been judged and sentenced and that this is all for show.
The Sun bitch turns her eyes to me as I stand there “The defendent has heard the charges leveled against him, how does he plead” is all she says and all I expected her to say.
As I stand there I whisper “release” and the chains fall away with a slight sound of metal. I hear the crowd behind me gasp as I reaise my head to meet the shocked face of the Sun bitch herself.
‘27 seconds’
I Grin “Not Guilty, Sun bitch” the crowd behind me gasps again as I start speaking again “I knew you never liked me, so I started making friends and allies both inside and out of Equestria” I grin wider as her eyes widen even more.
‘6 seconds’
I look to my right and the shocked looking faces of my ‘Ex’ friends before turning back to Sun bitch as the sound of glass breaking and the sound of something hitting the ground just in front of me.
‘1 second’
I laugh before closing my eyes and holding my ears with my hands “This is just the beginning Sun bitch!” the next thing I know there is a blinding flash of light and a loud sound before the screaming starts and then suddenly stops.
Well there you go, my first submission on Fimfiction. Not the best I know, but I hope you all liked it and I can't wait for the feedback I get. sadly no Cover art for this one, but in the future I might have one made for this and all other stories I post. I thank you all for taking the time to read it and I hope you all have a wonderful day! 
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9608042
Damn I really missed some of those? thought I got all the spelling errors
But thanks for the Compliment, though to be on the level? This is my first FIM story, but I have done stories before
9608079
Agree, I went over it like four times though
If it's not to much trouble can you point out the ones you saw so I can fix them?
9608149
Thanks, I will fix them.
And what happens next, will there be a sequel to this short story?
9608219
Most Likely, Though it will likely be awhile due to RL issues
Though it's nice to see people already asking if there will be more
9608280
Thank you for answering my question, and I am very interested in knowing what will happen next the wait will be tedious but in the end it will be worth it when you do it
This was great and if you don't continue it, I will riot.
Jk, but seriously good one-shot.
9608744
Thanks, with how well this is doing I might just make it into a One-shot Series >.>
I really wasn't expecting it to do this well, I mean I KNEW it wasn't gonna be Featured (I am not THAT Lucky) but it is doing FAAAAR better then even I could have hoped for!
On the one hand, it was nicely written, on the other you pretty much used Star Trek type cliffhanger at the end
And... darn it, Celestia as the bad guy? I demand an explanation, dear sir (and a sequel or second chapter
).
9609903
Yeah, I MIGHT have had This:
On loop during that last bit
I always loved Khan: Cold, Calculating and a Genius. Made to be the ultimate soldier and leader, but ultimately corrupted by mans Hubris.
As for Celestia? It's a little bit of this and a little bit of that, No Spoilers
9608149
Thanks for pointing those out they have been fixed now!
If anyone else sees any more issues let me know
24601... really?
Going for the drama then... but love the classics!
...
Like ST II Wrath of Khan!
9611746
About time some one noticed that, I do not add References without meaning behind them
9612410
You almost sound as old as me.
Doesn't matter. You get my "thumbs up" for references.
Well, this is a good story! It's not the kind I'd usually go for, but it was nice to read. I did feel like it was a bit confusing, though. (Yes, I do realize the mystery factor) Maybe consider adding a bit more description to who was talking to the prisoner (some parts were perfect in the description factor), why he has those friends, and what he has against Celestia.
Good work for a first story!
9833297
I was trying not to go to heavy on the descriptions and avoid the annoying “He, she, I, it said” like a lot of people fall into.
This is the first of four I plan on doing, this is about midway though the story so more will be made clear as we go.
9833303
Sounds great! I will be tracking this!
Who am I....
Good, if odd, story. Also not my usual, but the ending was fun and different! Great first story, definitely!
Hey man. I found this on No Author Left Unnoticed. I'll be adding my thoughts to this comment as I go. Just a heads up though, I'm by no means great, but I like to think that I can at least write passably, so take everything I say at your own value.
Your first paragraph feels like it starts very abruptly. Don't get me wrong, it's possible to start off fast, but the first sentence is a sentence that would feel more at home later on. Setting the scene a little before giving the audience information would be appreciated. Also the way you structure this character's thoughts could use a little work. The way you show a character's thoughts is largely up to you. Some opt for Italics, some go for bold, underlined, you get the idea. Asterisks are fine too. However it lacks proper capitalization, and cramming the dialogue into a paragraph is not good writing.
Wrong "its". They were not adjusting to this world and it is differences. They were adjusting to this world and its differences.
Why is friends capitalized in the quotation? Also there doesn't seem to be a pause between "frie-" and "no". It's a little clunky and will make the story feel rushed. Time is important both inside the story and out.
Also something I'm noticing is that it's very odd how you have this character a thought dialogue and yet we seem to be looking into their thoughts all the time without reading them directly. So why bother with them in the first place?
I'm at the fourth paragraph and this isn't a sequel to anything, right? Who are these allies that this person has made? Expecting the reader to just go along with the story won't work. You have to explain to them what's going on, because we can't read your mind. It would only take a line or two to explain who these mysterious allies are, and that's all we need. You can still withhold information about them until later, but at least give your audience something.
This is probably a "me" problem, but what is a "two by two hell" exactly? Given the context I know it's a euphemism for a prison but I'm not too sure what the point is here.
The iron shoes in two by two sets is a nice touch. It helps build up suspense to whatever's coming next, no nice job on that.
Okay why did you capitalize "white" in one of your paragraphs? It's an adjective, not a proper noun.
This all said I have to get to class now. Sorry I can't read through the whole thing, but just tell e if you want me to continue. I hope I didn't sound too harsh in any of this, but I bring up everything I did because everyone on this site wants you to do well, so keep on practicing, man, and have a good one.
9847704
First off, Thank you for the look over! All the spelling issues that you pointed out will be fixed in a few hours, baring any RL issues.
So a lot of the abruptness and seemingly fast paced Dialog is due to mostly three factors:
1) This took months to write and a good many (like nine) rewrites before I was satisfied with how it looked. This means in turn that a lot of the dialog was edited out, new parts put in and many, MANY edits were done. I started to realize that this was taking to long (well beyond what even lateness would really abide by) and decided to just finish it off, do a final edit and publish it.
2) This section of the story takes place YEARS into this AU, I think....Looks at notes yeah about five and a half years after he arrived. This was never meant to be more then a one off drama fic that kinda gained a life and lore all it's own and before I knew it I was already writing the next one of a mentally planed four part (this one is second to last in this era of the series) interconnected one shot series. Though if I am honest? I think the idea of a series bled it's way in sooner. Thus you have a lot of unexplained plot points that will be told later on.
3) I am not afraid to say I had low expectations for this, I was doubting myself and the story. Thus you can expect my surprise when it did so well out of the gate! I think that self Doubting really ruined the quality of work that ended up being published and I am also not afraid to admit that. I might just come back before the next story in the series is ready to publish and revamp it a bit.
Anyway I hope this answered a majority of your questions! NOW! if you will excuse me I need to go find an editor that isn't afraid of my word mush
9847954
Oh so it’s part of a series? If so then you should probably link it (forgot how, but I know it’s possible, haha). I probably wouldn’t have brought up anything I was expected to know if I knew. That said I understand that struggling with a story sucks, but don’t be afraid to take your time. I believe that I speak for everyone when I say that we can wait as long as the quality’s good. So don’t be afraid to even start from scratch if you feel like it’s not as good as it needs to be. Anyways I think I’ve said my piece, so I’ll let you go. Have a good one man.
9848218
Hey thanks, Yes this is part of a Series and if you were to put then in Chronological order this would be towards the end of the series as a whole. That being said, The rest have yet to be written and the (Chronological) first, and thus the technical "Prologue", of the series is being written as we speak and it's at about 400 words with a set minimum of 2,500 words for the full one-shot.
Nice story. Keep going