SlipperyLemur
Joined 9th Apr, 2019 ·
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- Arillia · 7.4k words · 17 2 · 721 views
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Contest judge chiming in. There's a good chance this might get DQ'd since the submission came late. Not my call, but I went ahead and read the story anyway. Figured I'd add my thoughts.
I liked the build up you had. You included some nice visuals which helped paint the scenescape reasonably well. The dialogue was solid. Characterization was passable. I could infer this was Tia and Luna, though I think there was certainly room for more in that regard. As much as Luna's anachronistic manner of speech grates on me at times, it is somewhat intrinsic to her character. A few more nods to that could have helped.
So did I have any major problems? I guess one... This may be highly subjective on my part, but I really feel like a critical part of incest fics is the taboo element of it, which was, at best, glossed over here. both characters just kind of.. accept their feelings as part of a status quo. I liked that you touched on their sense of long-desired consummation, but at the same time it teased the taboo without ever really delving into it much. Part of that I suspect is the word count and the pacing.. Maybe you were in a hurry to publish. Not sure. I think even just another 1-2k words would have given you the breathing room to have some additional dialogue between the sisters and flesh out that aspect of the story a bit more.
In terms of the writing itself.. I only have 2 major notes worth mentioning. First and most notable, the paragraph structure was all over the place. The number of independent, single sentence paragraphs made parts of the story read in jerky starts and stops. A lot of these sentences were similar enough to warrant being in a paragraph together.
The second was several instances of sentence fragments.
I do think sentence fragments can be used stylistically, but it's one of those things where it needs to be done well or it'll just throw the reader off.
Two examples:
Now I probably would have given you the second fragment, except that it's on its own line. Being in its own paragraph makes it feel more detached from the preceding sentence which gives contextual meaning to it. We know the white and gold, depressed bunny is Celestia only because the prior sentence establishes that. Those sentences really need to be together. Were it me, I'd even go so far as to add a semi colon to tie the concepts together better.
This is obvious my own style speaking, but I'd argue you could benefit from thinking a little harder about where you place your sentence fragments and how you use them.
In any case, a fun story which did some interesting things with Luna's powers.
GL to you.
9599892
The feedback is much appreciated! Especially the two examples. The single sentence paragraphs were an attempt to emphasize them, but apparently didn't flow as I wanted. I didn't get as much editing in as I would like, and yes I was very much in a rush.
Piecing things together well is way harder than figuring out what I wanted to say, but maybe that gets easier with practice. I think with an editor and some test readers I would have gotten quite a bit further.
Also if it does get the boot from being late I won't mind too much. It was an experiment, and worked about as well as expected.
Late entry huh? I'd love to critique this piece, but you'll need to excuse me. I have a lot of reading to catch up on.