• Member Since 26th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen February 20th

Silver_Scroll


Comments ( 9 )

Posted 20 minutes ago, ooh. Nothing like some freshly-printed wincest to end the night on :moustache:

So you're saying I should crack open my partner like a rock. It all makes sense!

9597878
Past the contest deadline, though, since it was midnight Eastern, not Pacific. :twilightoops:

9598023
Sadly. I hadn't accounted for both the approval and the posting queues getting so overloaded... I guess I fucked myself over, there. Still, it's supposed to be a decent story in its own right, not a throwaway contest entry, so I hope it manages to at least be that.

9598026
They may cut you a break, so you never know. My entry was also last-minute (but posted yesterday), so I can relate to the whole striving for quality in a short time period thing.

Contest judge chiming in.

Technically speaking this fic is outside the deadline and may well end up being DQ'd. It's not my call, though. Either way I still read it and figured I'd add my thoughts here even if it isn't part of the contest.

As stories go, it's fairly simple. The limited word count has definitely forced you into making the pacing rather quick. In that sense, there's no real sense of build up; rather, we're viewing a small slice of time in an already established relationship. There is at least a threadbare plot of reconciliation between the two, but it comes and goes quickly. All in all, the story element isn't bad, but neither is it particularly compelling. But I suspect that was never suppose to be the focus.

So what about the writing itself?

It's not bad. The spelling and grammar were just fine. The sentence structure was also generally okay.

But.. as much as I feel like a broken record saying so, I'm compelled to: head hopping and omniscient PoV is hurting this fic. I'd strongly encourage you to try writing in third limited. I know it can be a little daunting and feel limiting to use third limited, but it's hard to overstate how much it has the potential to improve the tone and mood of a fic. When the prose reflects the consistent thoughts and feelings of only a single character at a time, it's a huge benefit for reader engagement.

If you aren't too sure what third limited and omniscient head hopping are, I'd recommend a quick google search. There's tons of material out there that will explain it better than I can.

The only other majorly noticeable thing was your usage of adverbs. Especially adverbial phrases of time and manner. Example:

Marble simply held her expression, and before long Limestone was forced to sigh in defeat.

Now I'm not an adverb nazi as some more elitist writers might be, but I do think overuse of adverbs weakens prose. Using the above example, what do the words 'simply' and the phrase 'before long(as in, soon)' add to the sentence, really? If you think about it, saying 'soon Limestone was forced to sight in defeat' is just a wordier way of saying 'Limestone was forced to sigh in defeat'.

Do we really need to know it happened 'soon'? The reader is going to assume that anything they read is happening 'at that moment', so phrases which explain these sorts of temporal relationships rarely add anything important. We know the events are taking place in the order we read them.

Simply, as an adverb of manner, is synonymous with words like 'just' or 'merely'. In almost 100% of cases you can remove these kinds of words without losing the meaning of your sentence. If no meaning is lost when you remove a word, then in most cases you ought to do so. It is, in a way, word junk. And in a real way, words like this make the prose sound uncertain or apprehensive. Unsure of itself.

That said, I think a stronger and better adverb could be used here if you really wanted to emphasize Marble's defiance.

Marble defiantly held her expression, forcing Limestone to sigh in defeat.

Or you could add more supporting narrative which highlights the moment more strongly.

Marble stood tall and defiant, forcing Limestone to wither under her gaze and admit defeat.

You could argue these kinds of changes are stylistic.. but in my experience, the best writers out there avoid these sorts of words and phrases and I think it improves the writing.

TL;DR, think carefully about how you use adverbs. Learn to cut out unneeded word junk. Less can be more.
And think about third limited. I promise it'll help!

Either way, good luck with your entry.

9599870
Thank you very much for your critique! I'll definitely try and keep these problems in mind during my future writings as best I can!

Whoo-hoo! Judge time!

Not bad kid. The read was decent. There's no intro the outro was also lacking. The climax was ruined by the weird rhetoric of the parents and I believe Marble should have gotten a bit more hashing out in character. For example. Big Mac isn't completely silent. He speaks in the most unfortunate and unexpected moments. I expected Marble to use more than just her signature line. As shy as she is, she is in complete comfort with her lover and sister. Which one would assume that she shares her own thoughts almost freely without that restraint. The structure of the story was confusing as well. You were trying to turn them into perfect paragraphs but a story, especially one involving interaction, requires a bit of separation. This is because that the way the paragraphs are formed also affect the way the story is felt. A break here and there along a paragraph shows a need to express or explain a situation or thought. You need to share this with your audience as you are the one leading them. Keep that in mind.

this is sexy, well-written, and a cool idea, as well as capturing the personalities of both sister well, and also u do a good job with the dialect of the parents, way better than most. u do good with capturing the romantic chemistry lime and marble have together, too. this is a very good story, easily better than most of the actual contest winners. great work!!!

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