Sisterly Bond

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Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #1 · Apr 24th, 2019 · · ·

Care to tell me more about DarkRyu's contest?

thishasallhappenedbefore

thishasallhappenedbefore #2 · Apr 24th, 2019 · · ·

9584393
More information can be found if you check the "Incest is Wincest" group! <3

xRei

xRei #3 · Apr 29th, 2019 · 3 · ·

Hey, I'm one of the contest judges. Wanted to leave my notes here if you care to read them. These aren't my final thoughts on your story's place in the contest, but more from an editorial point of view.

Story:

Minimal build up and gets into the smut fairly quickly.
The suddenness of the smut was a little startling.
I think there was a glimmer of an idea in exploring the relationship of Tia and Luna with regards to sub/dom roles and the like. I think you could consider exploring this idea in greater depth. It could be good.

Grammar/Mechanics:

Spelling and grammar were good.
Word choices were fine, and the flow of the prose wasn't weighed down or slow.

Some issues with 'head hopping' made it harder to connect with the scene. I usually encourage writers to try third person limited. While it may feel more restrictive, I think it helps teach better writing skills more easily.

Some show/tell issues. Eg, Paragraph 2 sentence 3.
Could benefit from adding dialogue tags earlier in dialogue: "Please My Little Pony," Celestia said, "This is your business and we're simply patrons." This is especially useful when the voice of the speaker has changed in some way. For instance, shouting or using the canterlot voice. It's best the reader knows ASAP that the character's voice has changed *before* they read the dialogue, so they can imagine the voice in the correct tone/volume in their head as they read.
Also helps variety to not always have dialogue attribution(she said, he said, Celestia said) after every, or nearly every, line of dialogue. Dialogue can also stand on its own without surrounding narration or action.
I'd look into studying 'said bookisms' and consider thinking about how often to use them in your writing. (she whined, he bluffed, she demanded)

Incest Theme:

A little underutilized I feel. But there was some back and forth banter and sisterly teasing which I liked. More of that would be good, especially considering that Luna should know exactly how to push her sister's buttons.

thishasallhappenedbefore