Meet the Ponyville (Warning: May Cause Loss of Sanity.)
"Life does not stop and start at your convenience you miserable piece o' shit." -Walter Sobchak
Sleep quickly became one of Glados' favorite past-times, right up there with testing. Every time she shut her eyes, which was now going into the third night, she experienced dulcet dreams of Ponyville set ablaze or the Princesses being gassed. She enjoyed it so much that she even went to bed at 6:00 P.M. and tried sleeping in until 11:00 A.M.
The key word being 'tried.'
Around 9:00 A.M. there was a knock on the door. Grumbling under her breath, she kicked off her dark blue blankets and took a moment to look out the window beside her bed. It gave a clear view of the outer planes surrounding Ponyville, though the right was obscured by the Everfree Forest. At the right angle she could see Fluttershy's cottage.
Very strenuously, Glados dragged her hooves across the wooden floor, passing by her embarrassingly empty bookshelf. Though it's lower shelves were filled with unread novels and tomes, the top ones were noticeably barren save for the portal gun on the very top.
Walking through the archway into the living room, Glados passed by her green three-cushioned couch, taking a moment to stare at the remaining embers in her fireplace still casting a faint glow. She predicted that it'd be used frequently, as indicated when she threw a picture of Twilight and her friends into the once hungry flames. The fireplace was accompanied by a coffee table on a black rug patterned with green techno lining. 'Tacky' is the word Glados would've used.
Beside the fireplace was a door that led up to the attic, which Glados decided to turn it into a sort of 'laboratory.' Princess Celestia was kind enough to give away Luna's hand-me-down telescope. Though Glados wouldn't be surprised if the thing belonged to the King of the Monsters. The structure of the telescope was so big it had to jut out the attic's back window and make the rest of the house look like it had a tumor. Even more baffling about the device's odd design: the eyepiece tapered down to the size of a normal telescope's. So why not make it normal sized? Besides, what could Glados learn about space through a telescope that she didn't already know?
The knocking was heard once more, but this time it didn't stop. Whoever was on the other side just kept knocking in an endless loop. Glados, her skull feeling like it was being drilled, quickened her pace. She glanced to the right at the whiteboard hanging from the wall. Notes written in Spanish took up half the space. Why in Spanish? So the ponies wouldn't recognize the notes being the materials and steps to build a nuclear reactor. Glados decided to save that project for a rainy day.
Growing annoyed by the insipid knocking, Glados swung her stable-like door open to reveal who she thought was going to be Pinkie, but was actually a grey wall-eyed pegasus wearing a postman hat. Though she had a mailbag slung from her shoulder, a newspaper was held in her mouth. For the longest time, Glados and the pegasus just stared at eachother, not saying a word.
The earth pony was intrigued by the other's out-of-focus eyes. The pegasus blinked several times, with her eyes aligning differently with each pass of her eyelids.
Glados shook her head to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Does every pegasi have something wrong with them?
The newspaper held in the blonde's mouth was then spat onto the ground and announced loud enough to wake the neighbors. "Mail call!"
Glados ignored the ringing in her ears and said, "I have a mailbox. You could've used that."
The grey pegasus blushed and said, "Yeah, uh, sorry about that." Glados leaned to the side and found her once proud mailbox now lying on its side with the door dented in. The pony smiled sheepishly. "Sorry! The stupid mail slot wouldn't take the letters."
Glados almost smacked herself in the face to double check she wasn't dreaming. Wow. I'm dealing with a level of stupidity that far surpasses Rainbow Dash. "There are a few things wrong with your little 'excuse.'" she began, "First of all, my mailbox doesn't have a slot. Second, you could've used its door. And third, how the Hell did you manage to rip it out of the ground?"
Unfortunately, the mail-mare was less concerned with her scolding than she was with a small yellow butterfly fluttering overhead. She happily waved a hoof at it, expressing a smile of pure joy.
You know, Glados thought whilst kicking the newspaper into her home, I'm not even going to bother with this one. If I were to give her an I.Q. test, she'd probably cause the thing to burn out. Hey, that's something I should actually test.
Several silent moments passed between the two ponies. Glados slowly rose a brow. Isn't she supposed to leave? Or something?
The winged pony suddenly shot a hoof out and said, "Hi! I'm Ditzy!" She continued holding it out, expecting Glados to shake it.
Ditzy? Oh for God's sake. Glados replied with, "Hi, I'm Bored."
"Hi Bored!"
Glados' eyelid twitched, followed by the abrupt slamming of the door. As she made her way into the kitchen, she heard Ditzy yell, "Hey, Bored?" Her voice was muffled, "Can I have a paper towel? I got a bloody nose!"
Glados ignored the question and pretended she didn't hear. The faster she leaves me alone, the better.
"Oh, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
I sure as Hell hope not.
Little did Glados know that at that very moment, a great friendship was born.
Canterlot Castle
Inside the castle's highly acropolis dining hall, servants, scribes, and of course, the Princess, all gathered around the grand table for breakfast. From each end, the elite chefs of Canterlot served the castle's residents only the finest of Equestrian cuisine. From simple dishes such as apple puff pancakes to eloquent tomato souffle, there was not a pony in Equestria as efficient as the royal cooks of Cantlerlot Castle.
Celestia loved seeing her subjects just get along with eachother, never arguing, always willing to help in a time of need. It truly brought her happiness to see such peace and tranquility every morning. Beside her, Philomena diligently nibbled from a bowl of birdseed at the bottom of her cage. Her owner noticed the tips of her wings beginning to grey, foreshadowing the usual 'rebirth' of a phoenix's life.
Back in Ponyville, Ditzy Doo continued her routes delivering mail right after meeting Glados.
Just as Celestia levitated a cup of tea to her lips, she felt an invisible force hit her, like a gust of wind, followed by an icy shiver crawling down her spine. She couldn't explain what it is, or what it was. But whatever spawned it, it was certainly nothing good.
Luna noticed her sister's slight quail and grew worried. "What is it, Tia?"
Celestia shook her head, slowly setting her cup back on it's dish. "I... I don't know. I just have this sudden feeling that... that an event of cataclysmic proportions will befall our land."
The Princess of the Night groaned, rolling her eyes. "Ugh, not again."
Glados sat at her kitchen table, drinking a cup of black coffee and reading the newspaper. The headline on it read quite possibly the funniest thing Glados has seen since she got here. It read:
Local small-time celebrity, Trixie Lulamoon, was found dead in her trailer around 10 P.M. last night. Experts say she died from an intentional consumption of poisons, chemicals, and other such solvents. The case has been closed with the conclusion that this was just an overly complicated act of suicide.
The picture below showed a grisly image of Trixie's corpse; her face blistered with irritated skin and pus-filled blemishes.
Glados smiled, lifted her mug, and took another sip of coffee. She savored the bitter flavor like it was her last.
Alright! Time to do what the Princess asked and go out there and make some friends! Glados couldn't keep a straight face. She collapsed in the middle of her living room, slamming her hoof against the floor in a fit of laughter.
No, Glados wasn't going to do that. At least not yet. She decided it'd be best if she stayed inside and read up on Equestria's history. She took the first book from the pile on the table, one called 'The Quest for Harmony.' The title alone told Glados that she was in for a real treat. She plunked herself on the couch, curling her front legs in, and flipped the cover open with her nose.
Hours later, nearing the very end of the book, Glados was finishing up the last passage. She read it aloud in quite possibly the most lifeless, dull, tone possible. "Honesty will fight against any lies. Kindness will aid those overwhelmed by anger. Laughter will wither whole sadness away. Generosity will help those in need. Loyalty will strike, dear God, bravery in the hearts?"
She stopped for a moment, looking up from her book. "Who the hell wrote this garbage?" She continued reading in the dulled tone, "Magic will then make everything complete. So remember, dear reader, every cycle brings forth six new representatives of the Elements of Harmony. And they shall protect us from those with black hearts until the cycle repeats." Glados slammed the tome shut and tossed it, intending for it to land in the fireplace but instead slammed against the sky-blue wall. Gee, I wonder who the poor saps are for this 'cycle. Glados chuckled lightly, humorously thinking about Twilight and her friends being the bearers of these 'Elements.'
She was snapped out of her daydream when she heard a knock on the door. She sauntered over, dreadfully expecting it to be Ditzy.
She opened the door, pleasantly surprised and annoyed to find it was actually Pinkie Pie, bearing the widest of grins and a yellow party hat worn on her head. Glados' half-shut eyes blinked slowly. "Hey, Glady! We're having a half-birthday party for Minuette's baby foal over at Sugarcube Corner! Wanna come?" She leaned on her front hooves, blinking her eyes in rapid succession.
"Aren't birthdays just another way of celebrating one's imminent death?" Glados replied, almost robotically.
Pinkie was surprisingly unfazed by the mare's dark comment, "No it's not!" she said happily, "It's about getting presents! And cake!" Pinkie began lolling and drooling at the very thought. Like a light, she instantly snapped out of her daydream moments later. "So, are ya comin'?"
"No."
"Okay! Oh, and Glady, one more thing." she said in an almost secretive tone.
Sighing, Glados said, "What?"
"Do ya mind if I call you 'Glados' or 'GLaDOS?'" She spoke as if it was a legitimate question.
Feeling a sharp pain split through her skull, the now livid earth pony rubbed her forehead. Groaning whilst doing so, she asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Well," Pinkie Pie began, taking in a deep breath.
Glados felt her heart drop to the pits of her stomach, suddenly realizing the fuse she just ignited. "No, Pinkie! Don-"
"In the little flashback thing you were called 'GLaDOS,' but it was spelled capital-G, capital-L, little-a, capital-D, capital-O, and capital-S. I found that kinda weird. I mean, why not capitalize the 'a?' It makes no sense! Heh, ANYway, 'Glados' is spelled-" As Pinkie yapped away without missing a beat, Glados slowly shut the door, keeping a deranged glare on the pink pony. "-Capital-G and the rest are little letters! So should I just call you 'Glados' or 'Glados-but-with-all-capitals-except-for-'a?'" Pinkie finally noticed the door was closed, and that she was pretty much talking to a wall.
"Okay! I'll just come back later!" She happily bounced down the winding path from Glados' house, into Ponyville.
Glados rubbed her aching head, feeling like it was going to burst. Come to think of it, she got a headache every time she spoke with Pinkie Pie. Being with that horse all the time can't be good for your health. She trotted into the kitchen and took an ice-pack from the freezer, placing it on her head.
Climbing back up her bed, Glados reached to her right and blindly took the next book from the top of the pile. The title was obscured by a sticky note, signed in black ink: Read this! It's awesome! -R.D.
I'll be the judge of that. Hey, Rainbow Dash knows how to write. I should remember to bake her a cake. Glados flicked the sticky note off the cover, not paying attention to where it landed. The cover was of a beige pegasus in safari gear who... who looked suspiciously like Rainbow Dash. She seemed to be hanging from a vine suspended over a lake full of crocodiles.
In a monotone voice, Glados read aloud, "Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone?" She looked up from her book, "'Sapphire Stone?' Isn't that a bit redundant? Besides, who'd go on a quest for a crummy rock?"
After asking herself the rhetorical question, she proceeded to read the first chapter, which lasted about ten seconds. "As Daring Do trekked through the tropical jungle, the wet heat sapped her-Okay, this is dumb." Glados slammed the book shut and tossed it across the room, joining the 'The Quest for Harmony' on the floor.
Amongst her reading of half-assed novels and losing brain cells to brain dead ponies, Glados came to realize from looking outside that it was nightfall. Well, to her it was nightfall in reality the sun was just starting to make it's slow descent. That was as good enough an excuse as any to write her daily report and go to bed.
The next day, Glados was getting ready to start acting like a 'normal pony' as Celestia would say. She wasn't going to actually converse with her 'friends,' or even try and make any. What she really wanted to do was check out Scratch's Vinyl Emporium. She knew a being with a real taste in music must have some sort of grasp on reality.
Oh how wrong she was.
Her journey through Ponyville was uneventful. A few ponies took notice of the town's new resident but pressed on with their daily routine. As Glados walked by the statue of Princess Celestia, she was greeted by none other than Rainbow Dash.
The pegasus, hovering a foot off the ground, was dressed from head to hoof in what looked like football gear. "Hey, Glados! You wanna join our game of hoofball?" she asked with a nervous Fluttershy and Caramel trailing in from behind, wearing the same getup. "It's pegasi vs. earth ponies! Brains vs. brawn!" She slammed her hooves together, shooting the unamused earth pony a smug grin.
Glados rolled her eyes. "Outdoor sports? Please. They're beneath me. I've got better things to do. Besides, who's the brains?"
Rainbow stared at Glados as if she had a screw loose. Or ten of them. "Pegasi, of course!"
"Pfft-" Glados looked down, hiding her grin and swallowing a chuckle.
Unfortunately, Rainbow noticed, "What's so funny?" she asked, craning her head down to be eye level with the grounded pony.
"Nothing that concerns you." she said with her regular flatness. "I have science stuff to do. Complicated science stuff. Your elementary primitive mind won't understand." She brushed past the airborne pegasi, then broke into a sprint.
While Rainbow awaited the arrival of the remaining players, she took one last look at the lonely earth pony. Though Rainbow was still wary of Glados, and hadn’t fully forgiven her for the heinous acts she committed, she still held a feeling of pity for the lonely mare.
'There has to be some reason she's so isolated.' Rainbow thought indefinitely. 'And I'm gonna find out what!'
Ugh, that thing actually expected me to take part in team sports! Waste of time. What good is being an athlete anyway?
Glados finally arrived at Scratch's Vinyl Emporium, with its iconic record slicing through the roof. The lack of thunderous techno music was noticed, though Glados was actually thankful for some peace and quiet after talking to Rainbow Dash.
Stopping at the hazy double doors, Glados took a deep breath and entered. Walking into the store, there was the abrupt scent of... actually, she couldn't even describe what it smelled like. The humidity in the store was heavy, making Glados wonder why anyone would want to shop here at all.
All around the store, the borders around the ceiling were lined with neon-like signs of musical notes, lightening bolts, and vinyl records. There were four aisles parallel to eachother, each lined up with records and tracks of varying artists. Glados walked down one, eyeing the labels of various records, silently judging them. Unfortunately, not a single one was techno.
Boring. Rock and Roll? Who listens to this junk? More like 'For morons, by morons.' I wouldn't even blow my nose into this. To Glados, each label seemed worse than the last, making her wonder what these ponies even thought the definition of music was.
Glados found the store's presumed owner behind the counter. A unicorn, white like herself, was levitating a box of old disks onto the upper shelves in the back. Her electrifying blue mane and tail was just as scraggly and unkempt as Glados'. Turning around, she jumped a little at the sudden sight of the supposed customer. She lifted a hoof, adjusting her purple tinted glasses and propped an elbow on the counter.
Well, she looks like your average high-school dropout. But looks don't mean anything. She could be just as well-read and sophisticated as-
"Yo, dude, what's up? I haven't seen ya aroun' here before. The name's Vinyl Scratch, by the way. So," She looked over her glasses, staring at the earth pony with a set of mischievous crimson eyes. "What're ya lookin' for?"
And that is my cue to leave. Glados swiftly turned and made her way back to the front door.
Vinyl, however, was not allowing the rare occasion of a customer to slip by. "Wait! I-I knew you was a classy mare. I can tell by lookin' at'cha. Ha-Hang on."
Glados stopped, curious as to what this unicorn's definition of a 'classy pony' was.
Vinyl opened the door behind her and stuck her head in. "Octavia! Get your fat flank out here!" She looked over her shoulder, shooting Glados a reassuring smile.
Vinyl went behind the register and leaned against it. From the back room, a light grey earth pony with long, combed hair walked out in a preserved manner. "Please, Vinyl." She spoke in a light Equestrian accent. "I appreciate you allowing me to stay here until the Gala, I really do. But I'm not doing your job." She held her nose up high, adjusting the bow-tie latched around her neck.
"Chill out, Octi. My friend here is more into 'classy' business ponies, tha's all." Vinyl put a hoof to her mouth and let out a forced cough that sounded like she was saying 'Snoresville.'
Octavia rolled her eyes, "Ugh, you are such a childish pig."
"Well... you're... dumb."
"You're both dumb." Glados said, growing irritated by the mares' constant bickering. "What are you two? Sisters?"
"Naw, cousins." Vinyl said, turning back to her well-mannered relative. "You're dummier!"
Octavia dismissed her childish cousin and turned her attention to Glados. "Just ignore her. How may I help you?"
"No, you're dummier!"
Octavia huffed, combing the locks of hair out of her eyes. It was very clear that she despised being here.
Glados had to pry her eyes away from the D.J. pony before finally saying, "Yeah, I'd like to browse the... electronic tracks."
A pleased smiled creased Vinyl's lips as she levitated a box full of D.J. records onto the counter. Octavia cringed at the sight, loathing the deafening genre her dimwitted cousin enjoys.
"Alright, man. Everything in here is twenty bits." Vinyl said, patting the side of the box.
Glados furrowed her brow and said, "Do I look like I have any money?"
“No bits, no deal.”
"What if we strike a-"
"No bits, no deal."
"What about-"
"No bits, no deal."
"Can I tal-"
"No bits, no deal."
Glados wanted to do nothing more the wring Vinyl's neck, to see her broken corpse fall to the ground. But of course, she was being watched by Celestia at all times, through the sun, as her 'Quest for Harmony' book stated. They might as well have put a shock collar on me.
"I'll come back la-"
"No bits, no deal."
"Just shut up, Vinyl." Octavia finally said, further emphasizing her point by smacking the unicorn upside the head and knocking her glasses off.
"Hey!" the alabaster pony snapped, levitating the glasses back to her face. "I'm tellin' dad!"
"There is no justifiable reason to pester Uncle Fancypants while he is on vacation! He doesn’t have time to bother with your foalish matters!”
While the two engaged in a verbal brawl, Glados took this as her cue to vacate the area. Swiftly creating as much distance between her and the store as possible. She achieved a consensus on this little adventure with just a few simple words: Never. Again.
Entry #4
Okay. That's it. I'm going crazy. Now, any rational human being would go crazy in a place like this. I mean, who wouldn't? But the scary part about this is I'm going crazy. Me! This isn't good. I have to find something to occupy myself with. These 'books' are just pointless drivel on 'magic' and 'harmony.' Okay. I digress. They might've been informative for an actual resident of this godforsaken place, but I'm not a resident. It just makes my blood boil. I swear to God, I'll do more than revert Wheatley to scrap when I get home!
But more on that later. No sense wallowing in hollow revenge if there's no one to take it out on. At least with Chell she could actually hear my insults. Now, like I stated in the above paragraph, I'm slowly losing my mind. And I'm not trying to be funny. I'm serious. I actually believe my mind is deteriorating. So how do I fix that? With testing, of course. There's so many things I want to learn about these equines. Like who's the dumbest one in Ponytown? Rainbow, Vinyl, or Ditzy? That'll be interesting! And what about the stars? Doesn't the lunar princess know stars are actually suns, and her sister's been deceiving her this whole time? Results of that would be interesting. I know I can just ask the Twilight horse for answers to these questions, but where's the fun in that? That's like going into a movie knowing everyone dies in the end. The whole point of testing is to solve the unknown for yourself. And that's what I plan on doing tomorrow.
Best of luck.
-GLaDOS
Early that next morning, when the sun was just peeking above the mountains, Glados was getting ready for her first 'Unofficial Official Day of Testing.' But first, she had to wait, to suffer from boredom while waiting for the sun to be high enough for her to sneak under the trees. She knew Princess Celestia always had her eye on the 'guest of honor.' She obviously wouldn't allow Glados to partake in testing of any kind.
Even if it was for science.
To pass the time, Glados was engaged in an intense game of 'self catch.' She lied on her bed with an orange portal beside her on the floor. Facing her, on the opposite end of the room, was a blue portal. She lazily tossed a rubber ball into the blue aperture and it came shooting out of the orange portal, into her outstretched hoof. She repeated this three-second loop for what felt like an eternity until there was a knock on her door.
"Enter." she said, never breaking her concentration.
The door opened, and Applejack entered.
Oh great. Glados' brief moment of annoyance broke the cycle, causing her to miss the orange portal and hitting the wall instead. It proceeded to ricochet off the bedpost.
"Howdy, partner." Applejack greeted, walking into Glados' room, taking a brief gander at the portals adorning the floor and wall.
"Howdy." she replied numbly.
"How're ya likin' Ponyville?"
"Below average." An awkward silence followed. Glados just stared at the ceiling while Applejack twisted her hoof into the floor, glancing around the room. She then ran it along the sky-blue walls, letting out an impressed whistle. "Gee, Princess Celestia sure gave ya a nice place to crash."
Glados' impatience grew, "There'd better be a good reason as to why you're here."
"Listen," Applejack began, making a futile attempt at cleaning up the mare's sour attitude. "Ah know ya hate bein' here. I get it. But we're tryin' our darndest to make it the least bit enjoyable!"
"Then I guess you're doing a bad job at it," she replied, staring at the now permanent portals in her bedroom. Yeah, I should've built a Material Emancipation Grill.
The orange mare stamped her hoof in irritation, "C'mon, partner! It's not our fault yer bein' so gosh darn difficult! Ya talk back to mah friends, ya gave Ditzy a bloody nose-"
"Oh yeah. That was pretty funny." Glados mused.
"And then there's that!" Applejack fumed, "Who the hay laughs at others' misery?"
"Someone with a good sense of humor." the mare replied, casually crossing her legs.
Applejack was now furious. Her patience and hospitality with Glados were now wearing thin, and that was genuinely concerning. She hasn't felt this way towards another being since Discord, and she didn't like that. Applejack always considered herself to be the most level-headed amongst her friends, and she refused to let Glados get the better of her.
Keeping her breathing steady and taking a moment to calm down, Applejack calmly said, "That's it. Yer helpin' me work in the orchard today."
"No."
"Ah'm afraid ya don't have a choice." she said bluntly.
Glados immediately sat up, her hind legs dangling over the floor. "Says who?"
"Says the Princess." Applejack said, suppressing the urge to grin at the mare's sudden fumble in her smug persona. "She sent a letter to Twilight sayin' she wants ya to help around town. She thinks it'd benefit you and teach ya some 'humility.'"
Glados nodded, not out of agreement, but for respect for the Princess. Well played, Celestia. I can clearly see how you tricked these morons into letting you hold power for thousands of years. But still... "I'm not helping you and your hick family with their little farm-hick chores."
"'Hick?'" A.J. echoed, unfamiliar with the term. "What the hay's a 'hick?'"
Glados slid off her bed, successfully landing on all fours. She brushed past Applejack, motioning her head to a small stack of papers on the shelves. "It says so on your files."
"Mah files?" As the white earth pony trotted into the living room, Applejack approached the stack of papers and flipped through them.
The top one was a crudely drawn orange and yellow-maned stick pony with several bullet points underneath.
-Appears to be of Southern descent.
-Possible inbreeding.
-Notable lack of parents. Ha ha.
-Further study is required.
Applejack rubbed her temple, unaware of what 'inbreeding' was. She flipped to the next page, which was yet another stick pony in blue with a multicolored mane.
-Massive ego and self-vanity may be the result of unappreciative parents.
-Could be linked to traumatic event in one's childhood.
-Rainbow colored mane may point to underlying homosexuality.
-Theory supported by tomboyish personality.
-Further study is required.
"Hey, wait a minute." Applejack yelled, quickly sifting through the rest of the papers revealing an identical format on all of her friends and other residents of Ponyville. "Are ya thinkin' about spyin' on mah friends!?" she yelled over her shoulder.
Glados returned decked out in a safari hat and a pair of binoculars strung around her neck. "What makes you think that?"
The cowpony sighed, "Look, ah originally didn't wanna drag ya too mah farm, but yer attitude needs a lot of adjustin'. Ah think it'll be good for ya. Besides, Princess Celestia is orderin' ya to help around town. C'mon, it'll be fun!"
The greasy-maned earth pony removed her gear, keeping her cold, plaid stare on Applejack. "I'm really feeling the 'love and harmony' in this place. Barge into my home, order me to do farm labor, and conform me into your little circle of blissfully, ignorantly, challenged sociopaths. Isn't life here grand?"
Applejack narrowed her eyes, growing tiresome of the former A.I.'s senseless antics and blatant hypocrisy. "Arigh'. Party's over. Ah tried bein' civil, but there ain't no reason'n with you, is there? Yer comin' with me, even if ah have to drag ya."
A faint, amused smile crossed Glados' blank facade. "Hmph, I'd like to see that happen."
With a mouth full of silky black hair, Applejack strenuously dragged Glados down the dirt path towards Sweet Apple Acres. Glados certainly wasn't making it easy, as she was placing her full weight on the ground just to make it harder for Applejack. Under her breath, the blonde muttered curses that'd make Granny Smith beat her within an inch of her life.
This is so going on your file. Glados thought under a grimace, then finally speaking up, "Okay! Okay! I'll walk! Just get your disease-ridden mouth off of my... my... tail." The cowpony released her hold, watching the mare slowly get up. While picking herself up from the dirt, Glados continuously muttered under her breath, "I hate this place. I hate this place. I hate this place."
"C'mon partner! Sweet Apple Acres is right down the street!"
Glados shook her head, loosening the gravel caught up in her mane. Patting the dirt off of her stomach, she asked, "So, slave-master Applejack, what neanderthal tasks shall we partake in?"
The cowpony held her tongue, ignoring her unflattering nickname, and began explaining the tasks at hand.
"So... you want me to kick this tree?" Glados asked hesitantly, studying the old oaken standing before her. "That seems rather... unproductive."
"Look, it's easy." Applejack walked towards another tree. "Ya just get a good hold on the soil, lift yer legs up, and kick the base as hard as you can." The workhorse demonstrated this by striking out with her hind legs; her back hooves slammed into the worn bark of the apple tree. A gratifying smack resounded throughout the trunk, sending the bounty of fruit falling from the branches, into the three buckets below. "It's easy as pie.”
"Interesting. So the recoiling force behind one's kick generates a sort of shock-wave throughout the tree, thus causing a friction with the-" Glados stopped when she turned to Applejack, who was displaying quite possibly the most dumbfounded look she has ever seen. At the risk of frying the supposedly dimwitted pony's mind, Glados said in 'simpleton' terms, "Um... so you kick tree, apples fall down. I guess I can do that."
"Uh-huh." Applejack replied, her expression unchanged.
Okay, you can do this. You can do this. Come on, Glados. If you can earn Aperture a Copley medal just for being alive you can certainly degrade yourself for a couple hours kicking a few apple trees. The white pony positioned herself behind the tree, making sure she had a firm stance in the ground.
"Okay sugarcube, on the count of three." Applejack said, watching Glados lower her chin to the ground. "One..." The rookie apple-bucker slowly lifted her legs. "Two..." Her hind legs coiled back, preparing to spring forth. "Three!"
SNAP!
"Oh God! Oh dear GOD! My legs!" In a matter of seconds, Glados was now lying on the grass, writhing in unimaginable pain. Her hind legs, now bent at complete opposite angles, twitched and throbbed. I don't understand... She thought, unsuccessfully trying to ignore the burning pain glowering throughout her legs. They were like glass... I don't get it.
Applejack's breathing accelerated, her eyes grew wider. She sprinted to the mare's side, her heartstrings torn at the sight of anything that was in pain. Her eyes began to well with tears as she softly spoke, "Yer... yer going to be fine, partner." She paused, choking on a sob, "Yer gonna be fine."
Swallowing a grunt of pain, Glados shouted an entire sentence as if it were a single word, "NO! Do-I-look-fine-I-broke-both-of-my-legs-JACKASS!" Another sharp pain shot through her left leg, "Oh GOD! HELP ME!" she screamed, her eyes welling up with burning tears brought forth by her torment. Tears. Glados, the GLaDOS, actually shed tears. Never in her life has she thought of committing such a humiliating act.
Applejack, refusing to believe, very gently slid her forehooves underneath Glados' throbbing form and slowly lifted, "It'll be fine..." she whispered, not to Glados, but herself. "It's jus' a muscle sprain."
"Muscle sprain!? I need a hospital you stupid mother f-AUGH!!!" The instant her broken leg touched the ground, an unbearable spike of pain shot through it, like a hot spike twisting through her flesh. Glados collapsed back on her side with the leg she landed on, generating another gout of physical torture, though it only resonated in the form of a single grunt. Glados' consciousness began to slip.
Applejack, barely holding back tears, sprinted towards home while screaming, "Big Mac! Big Mac! Get help! Quick!"
One last thought ran through Glados' mind before she lost consciousness, I... hate... this place.
"Lookie lookie! She's waking up!"
"Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh..."
"It'll be fine, Applejack. There was no way you could've-"
"Ah know! But ah'm the one that forced her into it!"
Glados slowly opened her eyes as if she was moving through molasses, trying to adjust to the sudden brightness of the hospital room. "Wh-What happened?" she asked, rubbing her head.
"Um, Glados?" A voice, unfamiliar to Glados but warm and kind altogether asked softly, trying to make sure the patient didn't slip back into unconsciousness. "Glados, can you hear me?"
The mare opened her encrusted lids, noticing her hind legs suspended from the ceiling by wires and pulleys. Oh yeah. Glados felt slightly uncomfortable with her only source of protection being a green hospital gown, and she knows what humans would do if they came across a woman in a situation like this. But nothing would compare to the uncomfortable and unsettling feeling of having six sets of wide eyes staring at you.
"She's not talking." Rainbow pointed out.
"Are you sure she didn't hit her head, Applejack?" the same out-of-site mare asked.
"Ah'm positive! At least... ah hope so." The cowpony removed her hat and placed it over her heart. She looked up at a deadpanned Glados with a pair of puffy green eyes. "Gladis? Sugar? Ah'm... ah'm mighty sorry fer makin' ya do that. But ah... ah jus' don't..." She tripped over her words, at a loss on what to say.
Glados wasn't moved by the mournful pony's words. She spoke, her voice cracked from under use, "I... hate... you."
Applejack turned her back on Glados, emanating a series of quiet sniffles. Rarity and Twilight shot the broken pony a dirty glare as they consoled their friend.
"Hey, what gives?" Rainbow proclaimed, "She said she's sorry! How was she supposed to know your bones were made out of paperweight glass?"
Glados gave a blank stare. "...What?" As Rainbow's snide remark fell short, a glaring blush grew within her embittered face.
"Allow me to explain." The unseen mare revealed herself, as it was Nurse Redheart entering from behind the curtains. She spoke gently, looking up from a clipboard held in hoof, "Glados, I... I'm not sure how to tell you this... but..." Redheart loathed breaking awful news to her patients, claiming it to be the hardest part of her job. "I'm afraid you’ve been diagnosed with Osteogenesis imperfecta."
The news hit Glados like... like a cool breeze on a hot Summer's day. "Brittle bone disease?" she clarified, making sure the nurse wasn't pulling a fast one on her.
"Like peanut brittle!" Pinkie realized, resulting in a grumble in her stomach. "Ooh, anypony got something to eat?" Everyone in the room stared at the party pony, unsure of what to make of her statement. Pinkie huffed, "Fine, I'll just go down to the cafeteria!" She turned and diligently trotted into the hall and make a left.
"So... is she... all... there?" Glados asked the nurse while pointing to her own temple. "Like, up here?"
The pure-white earth pony chuckled softly, "Yes, she is. Pinkamena is just a little... silly. It's nothing bad."
Pinkamena? Glados mused, Sounds like a serial killer. Snapping out of her little daydream, the hospitalized mare asked once more, "So you were saying I have brittle bone disease?"
Redheart swallowed a lump in her throat and nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid so."
If her legs weren't broken, Glados would've gone up and jumped on her bed like a child on Christmas Eve. Nothing could be better than this. But then she remembered one important detail, "How severe is it?"
"Well," The pink-maned nurse began, flipping to another page on her clipboard.
"Luckily, it isn't the most severe case I've seen. You should be able to live a relatively normal life, but I wouldn't go around bucking apple trees or lifting heavy equipment. Take it easy, don't run, and you'll be fine. I recommend you revisit at the end of every week for a checkup."
Perfect. Things are really starting to look up around here. Glados even started smiling. She couldn't wait until she got out of here, into the outside world. She'll be able to do all the testing she wanted and have a free pass of all the mundane tasks of Ponyville Princess Celestia attempted to shackle her with. As these thoughts ran through her head, Glados' smile grew bigger.
To all the ponies in the room, they thought she was smiling because her condition wasn't severe, and that she was grateful. Nurse Redheart even got a little misty eyed at the mare's inspiring enthusiasm.
Smiling through her tear-soaked face, Applejack said, "So, Gladis, ah promise ah'll make it up to ya for this. Ah just feel awful..."
"No, Applejack," The aforementioned mare shot her head up at the fact that Glados mentioned her by name, "I cannot thank you enough. I think I'll even bake you a cake, my treat." Applejack nodded, tipping her hat as well. I need to see how long an equine with bleach in their digestive tracts will survive anyway.
Glados had no idea what the future would hold for her, but she knew Equestria would not be ready for what would come next. With a grim smile, Glados thought to herself, I'm back in business.
Next Time: Wait... Glados did WHAT!? - Rarity and Fluttershy go to Glados of all ponies to help with a task that could mean the life or death of a young pony. Of course, she sees this as a brand new opportunity to test.
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Not sure whether to laugh or cry at the way you killed off Trixie.
Those poor ponies...
1375426 I laughed. Trixies' a bitch
And what else did you expect to happen?
1375505
eeenope
I say, that's the first time I've heard of a pony dying that way... Good show GLaDOS.
-Minty
How do you tap into the spirit of GLaDOS?
I love this so much. (And all the spelling, grammar, ETC. is correct too!) There are more ways to remove a portal than Emancipation Grills, though.
Water, pushing something too big against them, moving the surface, that's about it.
Scratch that, water doesn't remove portals. It only does in Minecraft.
Oh god Trixie's death had me in tears.... i haven't laughed so hard in weeks.
-wargod
YAY! It updated!
I'm confused. GLaDOS shouting to God? I'm no sacrilege, but I'm pretty sure GLaDOS should be yelling something along the lines of "OH SCIENCE!".
EX:
"Oh Science! Oh sweet Science! My legs!"
1375447
Rude though she may be, Trixie was probably the closest pony personality-wise to GLaDOS in Equestria, rivaled only by Diamond Tiara. To toss away such an intriguing interaction for the sake of a one-off gag is rather... inadvisable.
1375426
She died as she lived... A clueless, reckless dumbass.
Totally didn't see that last scene coming though. Brittle bone disease, how convenient!
"Hey, wait a minute." Applejack yelled, quickly sifting through the rest of the papers revealing an identical format on all of her friends and other residents of Ponyville. "Are ya thinkin' about spyin' on mah friends!?" she yelled over her shoulder.
Glados returned wearing a safari hat and a pair of binoculars strung around her neck. "What makes you think that?"
So... Beautiful....
L O muthafuckin L!
I would li-
"no bits no deal"
Can i just com-
"no bits no deal"
I Like this st-
"no bits no deal"
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"no bits no deal"UUUUUUUUUUUUUU
MOAR
Sorry I was so late
If Applejack found out what "Inbreeding" means... hell on Equestria
GLaDOS back in business? May the lord have mercy on our souls.
Sir, you have my Mexican approval
Ouch, a blessing in the form of severe pain and brittle bones. She should've used Long-Fall Boots. But if she does do that 'who is the dumbest test' I'm hoping Ditzy will suprise them all by getting a perfect score. Wouldn't that just be a blow to the ego
Local small-time celebrity, Trixie Lulamoon, was found dead in her trailer around 10 P.M. last night. Experts say she died from an intentional consumption of poisons, chemicals, and other such solvents. The case has been closed with the conclusion that this was just an overly complicated act of suicide.
Made me rofl
About damn time!
I was wondering when you'd get back to the fact that Trixie had gone off in search of the infamous toxins. I actually believed you'd forgotten about that. Silly me. Well, this was a success. Have a troll.
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png
and a Lol.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_1.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png
1375505 There is an old saying its practice makes perfect so trixie was practicing.
"I need to see how long an equine with bleach in their digestive tracts will survive anyway."
Good,Good...let the hate flow through you...
Silly filly! Birthdays mean having fun with friends, not getting lots of stuff!
this chapter is a work of art
and now glados has a medical reason to stay indoors avoiding heavy labour as she thinks up ways to kill everypony
You're lucky Seth isn't reading this...
Also, did Luna design GLaDOS' room or can ASHPD portals be fired anywhere in Equestria?
1375620
I don't think the phrase "oh God" would have any significance to GLaDOS, but she may have just used it because it's a common colloquialism from human society (or at least in many Western countries), and perhaps it was something she heard humans say a lot while she was testing them. That, or the author overlooked it.
Brittle bone makes sense to me. GLaDOS never has been particularly good at direct physical work, in fact she tends to end up in several pieces whenever it comes to that. I also did some pretty good non-literal ROFLing at Trixie.
Also, this is just speculation, but I have a vague guess at what GLaDOS's plans entail. I think she was designing a nuclear reactor so that she can power a massive computer, and the machinery required to construct such a thing, which would also need to be built. Then she could transfer herself onto it in order to become "the real GLaDOS" again. With this massive wealth of processing power (it's estimated to take over a ZettaFLOP ie. 10^21 FLOPS to simulate the Human Brain), and a huge surplus of electrical power (average nuclear reactor outputs about 800MW) she could then create a portal back to Earth and retake Aperture, and send hoards of robots to Equestria to exploit it's resources, and enslave the population for use as test subjects. Only problem is how she would obtain the resources for these ambitious projects as a pony in Equestria.
1376478
Think back to chapter four.
I sense impending doom in the form of a nuclear reactor
I can see where this is going, and it's definately not going to end with GLaDOS becoming good.
...Is it bad that this story is making me have sudden visions of this, and it's making me laugh profusely?
This. Is. Beautiful.
I love that you aren't having GLaDOS suddenly change her ways or anything like that. She's still the same character we all fanatically love and the ponies will probably soon learn that the hard way! Like Trixie!
I don't think that word means what you think it means.
Or that.
Inbreeding.
mother of bucking Celestia
HAHAHA XD Trixie died from poison bath. Seriously didn't see THAT coming.
Well, I'm screwed.
[img]Pinkamena Nightmare.xcf[/img]
Oh Gawd!
I was laughing the whole way along! Amazing as always keep it up. Cheers!
She is losing her mind; proof.
I think GLaDOS would swear to Cave Johnson, the only being she has seemed to lookup to. Yeah! Take the lemons...
Though if you wanted to argue you would have a valid point.
Also, how does GLaDOS know Celestia can view from the sun (sorry if it was mentioned in the past)?
1375580 You forgot one. The portal gun can close them. In the games you push a button on the controller and it makes the gun close the portals.
I know my portal.
O_O
serial killer indeed Glados...
your one to talk...