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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I think you meant cumming.
I'm sorry, I've read the first 8 chapters, and I don't want to carry on.
First off, is the main character. He is portrayed with master manipulative(?) abilities from the get go, and that isn't a bad thing; This has been pulled off really well before, with stuff like Catch me If you can (The Biological Crime film containing Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks, a good watch, if you get the time.), however, Frank in the movie still had flaw's; Spoiler alert for the movie; He was a master at manipulating others emotions, however his downfall his is own emotions.
This? It just feels like circumstance.
Very easily, Maud could've been angry (like most women) in this scenario, but it's revealed to be a cuck. He has somehow decided from the get go that he doesn't care about the fact he already has a women when flirting (Be it Maud or his wife revealed in the first chapter.) This fact paints Rayne as a sort of Psychopath that wants to reach to the top. However, this is contradicted by the inner looks into his thoughts we get. On top of the main character Rayne having issues, I (Personally) don't like how your portraying the other ponies in this. Applejack, the element of Honesty, is deceived by him without a second glance. It seems also she doesn't bat an eye when Rayne flirts with Rarity soon after herself.
If I were to write this story myself, I'd have put more doubt in the other ponies, flesh out Maud's inner conflict to herself about Rayne's flirtatious nature, give his thoughts a more sinister undertone to them, and remove semblance of outside emotion with Rayne. Flesh out the intro a lot more, make it seem like his wife is more oblivious (Or also insanely psychopathic), like have him say something charming and nice, then transition to his thoughts with him being cold and calculating what to say next.
Can we also mention about how he doesn't fuck up the transition from human to pony anatomy? He could have easily broken a leg in the spa, or been more untrained(?) in the arts of lovemaking.
These are just the thoughts of one, though. You do you, and don't let me put you down.
Also could you please tell us when the clop starts and ends? Its quite annoying to have to skip important dialogue because of the fact I dont wanna read porn
10194017
Sorry, I don't use specific labels for when a clop scene starts and ends. Also sometimes there can be important dialogue that happens in or during a clop scene. I understand that detailed sex scenes are not to everybody's taste. But even though this story has ended up being over 60% actual story plot, The Heart of Pleasure was always intended to be a clop story.
Found a small spelling mistake in this paragraph. I believe you meant to say "It was Maud who went on saying, fun fact though the word qent actually stands for understanding, imagination, cooperation, artistic talent, tact and patience. Though I have found more often than not it is an actual name for a person
11113504
That's interesting, I didn't know that. Anyways, the typo is fixed and thank you for pointing it out. However I'm aware that isn't the only mistake. I'm 118 chapters into this story and I've only just found myself an editor recently. So yeah, I'm sure there may be many other mishaps because I am only an amateur writer, not a professional one. But any other corrections you want to see fixed you can message me privately and I'll make the adjustments.