Interesting how this author can convey such imagery and emotion through dialogue and descriptive words alone. Very interested to see how the next chapter plays out and I hope more of the same will be found within!

It’s nice how you tie sentences together. It really does work just fine, but I’ve always been told that when a quote is followed by the writer explaining how the words were said, you make it all one sentence. For example:

“It'd be lovely but it could never happen. Real life doesn't let things from fantasy stories exist, that's what makes them a fantasy.” A disgruntled mind thought longingly to itself behind middle-aged eyes that resisted waking for the day.

“It'd be lovely but it could never happen. Real life doesn't let things from fantasy stories exist, that's what makes them a fantasy,” a disgruntled mind thought longingly to itself behind middle-aged eyes that resisted waking for the day.

I mean, of course if this was actually changed it would definitely be a big sentence. It would then be best to edit it down into separate sentences in a different way... but that’s just for this first example here. Generally, this is the way I and my family do it. We could be wrong, of course.
Other than that, wow. No problems at all, just a couple of tiny nitpicks. Personally, if I somehow woke up as a pony I can’t see myself narrating a bunch of my thoughts, but whatever. Like I said, that’s just me. I’ve also grown used to reading thoughts in italics, so that first sentence tricked me into thinking Rayne was saying it aloud. I don’t know what the proper usage of italics is, but it’s either that or to stress words without writing with caps lock or something. I can’t think of a better way to start though!
Including a map is interesting. I can’t help but wonder what plans you have - and it looks like I don’t have to wait to find out, since you’ve already written 32 chapters!

I’ll keep reading. Thanks for writing.
-DM

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Hello DM and thank you for this stunning review of my first chapter. It was well thought out and I appreciate the input. So I've found that there are definitely different styles of writing, especially when it comes to the fanfiction form. You will notice that I am occasionally a bit more lax on grammar when it is a character speaking than when it is something being narrated. Also, I very rarely use italics unless it is for something super specific. It may have only happened once or twice in my 32 chapters so far.

Because ponies talking to themselves is a pretty big thing in Equestria I usually try to stay pretty clear about when someone is speaking or thinking. Also, as for my sentance length I usually try to make sure my pacing flows well. I am not a professional writer but I try my best. So if you come across a sentance that is unusually short or unusually long then it was (most likely) an intentional writing decision to control the flow/feel of the scene.

Finally, I sincerely thank you for the free proof reading. I am happy to correct any mistakes that are found. It would be my preference though if individual typos could just me messaged to me in a PM while reviews about my content are posted openly in comment like this. And thank you again for reading! ^_^

So about yo binge read this, interested so far. The only nitpick is the ridiculous amount of serious ailments affecting the mc.

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Thank you for your interest. I certainly hope that you enjoy my story.

The medical ailments are in part supposed to be a motivator for his detachment from the previous world compared to his new one. It is designed to show from his perspective, his thoughts, and feelings as he wakes up in a new land.

However the ridiculous amount of ailments are all real though. My irl health is terrible. In fact I even left a few out that I didn't mention in this story.

With pure jubilation overtaking him, he lost sense of his footing and went tumbling face first into the ground. But after taking a moment to awkwardly right himself he immediately rushed right back into his sprint for joy! "WHOO HOOOOO!” He shouted again taking off across the countryside.

bursted out laughing at this Instant fav

First impression: "Is this the legendary broken beyond repair man? Who has a million illnesses and yet maintains his life-force through sheer will-power?"

I just think it was a *tad* overboard with the background there. Yes, characters should have weaknesses, but wow did you layer that on thick. It doesn't seem to be a bad story yet, but first impression is a bit mixed. Not something you could probably fix as I see you're very far into the story by now, but if you ever do another, you may want to keep that in mind.

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Hello Phoenix999 and thank you for giving my story a chance. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment and share your first impressions with me.

Now I agree you do make a very good point. This was partially designed to show Rayne's separation from his old life for this new life with minimal hesitation at most. However on the other side of things, all those ailments aren't fictional about me the writer. You make think it's overboard but to be honest I held back a lot. I'm just a broken guy with too much time on his hands so I use writing as an escape from the everyday pain I live with.

Now yeah, I didn't have to take something real and go publishing it in a story for others to read. But for one, it let's me take a negative in my life and turn it into a positive. And two, I actually intend to come back to this and make it an important influence later on in the story. So it won't end up being meaningless to add... It will just be forever before that becomes clear.

Anyways, thank you again, I truly appreciate it. The story does pick up speed fast once you get passed the first chapter so I hope that you enjoy it!

Thank you for reading! ^_^

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Just started out on the fic, and yowch, sounds nasty. Hopefully treatments advance in the future to help you out.
Bleeding from the stomach on drinking water... That sounds awful (especially since you NEED water). Is the cause still a complete mystery?

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Hello Alyarin and thank you for reading my story. Please don't worry about the darker introduction here, the story does both pickup and brighten up rather quick. I'm really proud of all of the ways that I've been able to expand this story and I hope that you stick around to enjoy it with me.

To answer your question, my sunlight problem which is my biggest issue remains unsolved. However my water dilemma has be identified as a mix between a problem with my liver and a long standing infection of some kind in the lining of my stomach. Those two problems come together to create this unusual symptom for me. But neither have been treated as of yet.

If you would like to discuss it more you are always welcome to send me a private message.

Sorry if this is prying, but what is the rationale for redacting parts of this story?

“You have had such a hard life! You have so many medical issues! You are allergic to the sun, you can't drink water, both your ankles are broken, you have that heartburn issue you will probably need surgery for one day, how people have treated you because of how you look… and I think it's all just BULLSHIT! And things are only getting worse for you as you are getting older! You deserve so much better than this because you are such a good person and this world has failed you so hard. I love you but I want better for you then what you have here, than what you can possibly have in this life!”

I'm really sorry, and I'm incredibly late for this.

But is this man going to sell chocolates to Spongebob and Patrick?