The Battle of the Bell
It was an unfortunate fact of dream life that you could only tell what was going down in Equestria secondhoof, filtered through the perceptions of thousands of different ponies, each with their own biases and skewed memories and incomplete views of the event in question, warped even more by the fancies of the unconscious, assuming that was what they dreamed about in the first place. Moondog was used to it, but trying to fit all the pieces together was still maddening. Even if the dreams were, at the moment, more consistent than dreams usually were.
“Paranoia, paranoia,” Moondog muttered as she exited the latest third-shift dream. “What is it with interspecies paranoia these days?” The spike in accusations of each tribe having some dastardly plan against the others in the last week would’ve been impressive if it hadn’t been so disturbing. When she’d asked, Mom wasn’t sure what was going on, either. It didn’t even seem to have much of a source at all; everypony just seemed to hear it from a friend of a friend or a passerby on the street. It was like a bunch of ponies just decided to start spreading rumors apropos of nothing. But nopony was that stupid, right?
…Considering some of the things Moondog had seen ponies do, maybe not.
“Could you at least be paranoid in a different way?” Moondog yelled over her shoulder. Because she always dealt with it the same way: light, sugary fluff involving positive feelings of the other two tribes. Easy? Sure. Satisfying? Eh, sometimes. Repetitive? Yes. During times of peace, she might have to wrangle a different kind of dream for every different pony she ran into. It kept her on her hooves, kept her stimulated. Maybe she’d have to ask Mom to do some actual serious digging into it.
Right on cue, Mom more-or-less exploded onto the scene, forcing the dreamscape apart in her haste. “Moondog!” she gasped. “Are you okay?”
“I- I’m fine, Mom.” What was with her? She was antsy and panicked and burned out all at once. Her dream projection, normally so flawless, felt a bit flimsy, like she wasn’t caring about quality when throwing it together and just needed to get to the dream realm ASAP. Whatever she’d been through, it must’ve been big. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Oh, thank the stars. I was worried-” Mom shook her head. “Never mind. I have come to warn you, Moondog, that tonight will be like nothing we have faced since Cozy Glow’s draining of magic.”
Moondog wasn’t sure how she could get a gut feeling when she didn’t have a gut, but she managed. Considering how unpleasant it was, though, she wished she didn’t. “Why?”
“Today has been… Today will be forever remembered in the annals of Equestrian history as one of our darkest hours. It was-”
“Mom, what happened?”
“How do I put this…” Mom bit her lip and took a deep breath. “Discord attempted to use Chrysalis, Tirek, and Cozy Glow as a force for Twilight to defeat to buffer her morale before her coronation, but they overpowered him and stole his magic with the artifact he gave them, giving themselves an immense power boost in the process that allowed them to march on Canterlot and destroy much of the castle, while the disunity they fostered throughout the country heralded the return of the windigos, and it was only through the combined might and friendship of Equestria that they were defeated.”
Silence.
--Error; WaitWhatException eMoondog blinked. “…I, I’m sorry, WHAT?!”
“-and I swear, one of these days — one of these days! — there’s going to be some big huge thing that threatens Equestria, and it’s not going to be solved in an hour and it’s not going to involve magic getting drained and I’m going to be so awesome. I don’t need to be the person who saves Equestria, mind you. Not even in the main group. Like, I’d be fine with giving them a big nudge before the final battle or something. Or a little nudge. Or not even helping them directly, but doing something nifty on the sidelines ’cause they’re too busy with the rest of the world. Just- I’m going to have something to do besides sit around and hear about it later. Just once! Is that so wrong, to want to contribute something? I don’t think so. But somehow, major Equestrian events just keep passing me by and I can’t do anything before they’re already solved. It’s… It’s frustrating, you know? I like doing things, I like helping people, but no prime people-helping time lands in front of me. I guess I help with the mental cleanup — Mom and I are kind of the only ones who can do that — but it’s just not the same. I want to help while the problem is still happening. Which sounds really egotistical, I suppose, but oh well. …Great, I don’t have hero syndrome, do I? I don’t plan on causing anything, though. I mean, I’d rather have these sorts of things not happen at all instead of me helping with them…”
“…Your Highness, this is a Whinndy’s. I know there’s nopony behind you, but are you going to order or not?”
“Sorry. Um… three salmburgers with cheese, everything on one, no ketchup or mustard on the second, just cheese on the third. One medium fries, one small drink. For here.”
“That’ll be… five bits and ninety-one pieces, and- Oh, perfect.”
“And you know what? Here’s five for you for listening to me rant. Sorry about that.”
“Huh. Thanks. …This money’s all real, right?”
“Of course it is. Why-”
“Sorry, no offense, but… Where did you, of all people, get money?”
“Why do you need an allowance?”
“Royal coffers.”
“Ah. …So, um, why’re you-”
“I’ve had some… not bad days, but annoying ones, and I want to try this ‘comfort food’ thing ponies keep dreaming about.”
“Oh. …And you came to a Whinndy’s for it?”
“Picked at random from a list.”
“Huh.”
“…”
“…”
“…You should probably give the cooks my order, you know.”
“Oh! Right. Sorry.”
One of the (many) benefits of aphysicality? Moondog was only as fat as she wanted to be. Even her magic could sense how greasy and unhealthy the salmburger was, but she didn’t need to worry about it. Not unless fat had some metaphysical property that’d transfer itself to her when her magic consumed it. And if it did, she didn’t care at the moment.
E:\Equestria\Canterlot\Whinndy's> Get-Content Cheese.brgr | Add-Content Moondog.tntbs
Moondog bit off another chunk of plain cheeseburger and performed a physical act that technically qualified as chewing. The thing tasted… acceptable. Fine for a quick bite to eat, but as an actual meal, it was kinda eh. The cheese was the best part about it, and for that, she might as well just eat cheese straight. The no-ketchup-or-mustard one hadn’t been much better. Hopefully the full one would be halfway decent.
Ponies being the oddly-resilient weirdos they were, not only were fast food places open again eight hours after an explosion had rocked Canterlot Castle, but they had customers. Not a lot, granted, but enough for the cash register to justify reopening. Most of them looked like they wanted comfort food just as much as she did. She was sitting in a corner of the building, meaning most ponies didn’t notice her.
One of the few ponies that did walked stiffly over, staring at her with big eyes. She gawked at Moondog, at the burger wrappers, at Moondog again. After a deep breath, she made a confused noise like water bubbling out of a hose.
“What?” asked Moondog. “You act like you’ve never seen a dream construct eat fast food before.” She stuffed the last of the burger into her mouth and stared at the pony as she chewed.
The pony managed to make a face somewhere between confusion, exasperation, anger, and disorientation. She opened her mouth, closed it again, opened it again, flicked her tail and ears, closed her mouth, and finally spat out, “So how’re the burgers?”
“Eh.” Moondog shrugged. “They’re alright.” She was still chewing, but her voice was clear.
The pony blinked. One ear twitched. Moondog could see her mind racing: what did “alright” mean coming from a dream construct? From royalty? From a dream construct who was also royalty?
Moondog technically swallowed. “Look,” she said, “if you’ve had it before and you liked it and you want it now, go ahead and have it. I work with dreams, why do you trust my opinions on food?” Seriously, why did ponies put so much stock in what other ponies thought of things, anyway?
“…” declared the pony. She frowned, looked at the cash register, and looked back at Moondog. “Um. Highness.” She bowed stiffly and got into line, still staring at Moondog.
Moondog took a few bites of the full burger. When it, too, proved to be not much more than “acceptable”, Moondog just swallowed it whole. No sense in dragging it out. Not very good comfort food, so what other options were there that were open? She needed something unusual.
This place better be good. If a restaurant called the Tasty Treat had neither taste nor treats, Moondog was sure she could sue. (She wouldn’t, never in a million years. But given her current frustrations, the thought was cathartic.) She took a seat at one of the smaller empty tables and flicked open the menu, ignoring the stares from everypony else. Wow, that was starting to get annoying.
Roughly two seconds after she’d perused the menu long enough to decide on her food, a bulky unicorn nametagged Coriander Cumin walked up to the table, refusing to bat an eyelash. “Hello and welcome to the Tasty Treat,” he said in a voice that only had a little whiff of workplace automaticity. “What can I get you today?”
“Spicy flat noodles with extra chili,” said Moondog. “Actually, make that extra extra.” She needed a bit of a kick after the burgers. “And nothing to drink, thanks.”
Coriander gave her a look at the last request, then shrugged. “Thank you for your order. Your food will be out shortly.” He departed for the kitchen. Moondog stretched her wings and settled in to wait. She considered getting off the chair and sitting on nothing, since nothing was so much comfier, but decided against it; no need in attracting any more stares than she already had.
E:\Equestria\Canterlot\Tasty Treat> Wait-Process -Name "order"
A few minutes later, another unicorn (nametagged Saffron Masala), this one holding a bowl of soup that certainly looked spicy-flat-noodley, walked out of the kitchen whistling, noticed Moondog, and walked right back into the kitchen while whistling an octave higher. A moment later, she started talking, and you didn’t need to listen hard to hear what was going on in there. “Father!” Saffron hissed. “Do you know who that is?”
“I do,” replied Coriander. “And she waited in line like everypony else and ordered our food like everypony else, so I will treat her like everypony else.”
“You cannot simply serve a princess-to-be our most basic-”
“It is what she ordered! The only change she wanted was extra extra spice, and I fulfilled that with two extra spoonfuls! I would love it if all our customers could be satisfied as easily as her!”
“Urfh! You have no respect for royalty.”
“When you get to my age, neither will you.”
Silence. Then Saffron returned with the soup, a stiff gait, and a huge please-don’t-smite-me smile. As she approached, Moondog raised a hoof. “Uh, hey,” Moondog said. “Your father’s got it right, I don’t-”
“Your food, Your Highness.” Saffron set the bowl on the table and backed away in a bow.
Moondog rolled her eyes. She really needed to do something about that protocol. Later, though. Now, she had food. She tucked in.
“Ms. Masala, right? Thank you for-”
“You’re on fire!”
“…The food was super spicy.”
“YOU ARE LITERALLY ON FIRE!”
“I… liked it, if that’s what you’re trying to ask. Like, a lot. And- Hey, put that down.”
“FATHER! I NEED ANOTHER EXTINGUISHER OVER HERE!”
“I’ll… just… leave, shall I? Here’s my payment. Wow this stuff is cold.”
The earth shook and space itself was rent asunder as Moondog stepped across miles in an instant. Amidst gale-force winds, she reared, threw her head back, spread her wings wide, and boomed, “Joe! Your duchess has need of donuts!”
“I thought you were the Duchess of Dreams, not Duchess of Logreins.”
The wind audibly screeched to a halt and a spark flew out of Moondog’s ear. Silence reigned in the donut shop for several long moments. “…What?”
“Logreins.” Joe’s voice was completely, utterly level and as flat as salt plains. “You know, the province Canterlot is in? I’m awake right now, so I’m not dreaming, so you’re not really my duchess at the moment, are you? I mean, technically speaking.”
“Oh.” A few stars in Moondog’s mane winked out. “I guess not.”
“Being in need of donuts is still a mighty big need, though. How may I fulfill that need?”
“So.” Moondog took a deep breath she didn’t need. “I have kept watch over dreams for my entire life, knitting entire worlds from whole cloth and battling quite literally unthinkable monsters every single night just to help ponies sleep better. But today, I was reminded that, in the grand scheme of things, all my work might be for naught if the real world intrudes. I took a serious blow to my morale and, given the psychological nature of my profession, I need comfort food.”
She fixed him with a steely gaze. “Joe. I need something fattening. Something that makes you feel guilty for enjoying it so much, only for you to bury that guilt beneath a mountain range of justification. Something where the frosting is so good it’s a precious commodity. Something fit not just for a princess, not just for a queen, but for the ruler of a universe.”
“With or without sprinkles?”
“With, of course. Oh, is that a draconequus’s food cake donut? Wow, that was awkward to say.”
“It is, and it was.”
“I’ll take one of those.” Moondog plonked her bits on the counter. “You’re taking this well.”
Joe rolled his eyes as he retrieved the donut. “We’re less than fifteen blocks from the castle. If I had a bit for every time an alicorn did something grandiose in here, I’d have seventeen bits. Which isn’t a lot, but seriously, seventeen times?”
Moondog almost asked how many times that alicorn had been Mom, but a toroidal pastry topped with glazed milk and sugar was calling. She took a bite of the donut, and-
Whoa. This was good. Probably the most delicious non-Pinkie pastry she’d ever had in her life. The frosting was just creamy enough without being overwhelmingly sweet, the bread was nice and crumbly, the sprinkles added some good texture, and the whole thing was still warm from the oven. Perfect. Moondog swallowed and rumbled, “Your occasional duchess is appeased.”
“We’ve also got some Sweet Apple Cider if you’re interested,” added Joe. “Fresh yesterday.”
“Ooo, neat. Sure, I’ll have-”
A bell rang as the door to the donut store bumped open. Moondog looked over her shoulder; three guards, one of each tribe, were in the middle of entering when the unicorn in front noticed her and ground the cavalcade to a halt. “I-” he said. “Um. We weren’t. Slacking.” He gave up trying to sound convincing about halfway through.
You didn’t need to be mentally-attuned to see how battered and tired they were. Moondog could actually feel it. Honestly, given how down they were, she wouldn’t’ve faulted them even if she weren’t also slacking. She smiled at them. “Of course you weren’t. Just like I’m not!”
No one said anything, although the pegasus shoved the unicorn forward to get out of the doorway.
“I am engaging in economic morale boosting,” Moondog declared. “Care to join me?”
“That…” The unicorn’s gaze flicked to the counter and back again. “That would be most agreeable.”
E:\Equestria\Canterlot\Donut Joe's> Get-Content Money.wllt | Add-Content Counter.dsk
“Joe?” Moondog dropped the rest of her bits on the counter. “Whatever they want, put it on my tab and keep the change.”
“My job suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks,” moaned Staff Sergeant Iron Phalanx, his face plastered to the tabletop and his wings limp. “Either there’s barely anything for me to do or I’m facing down things way outside my weight class. And when those things are defeated, does the Guard actually make any changes to prepare for the next one? Noooooooope. It’s all just, ‘Oh, that was a one-time thing but Twilight and her Magical Friendship Laser Cannon Pals got it, why worry?’ And the next year there’s another thing! And if we’d had springalds like I’d said, ffTOONK, we could’ve gotten Tirek right in the head way before he reached Canterlot.”
“I’ll tell Twilight,” said Moondog. “Once she can throw her weight around, I’m sure she’d love to not have to be the one saving Equestria all the time.” Nom. Good donut.
“Would you? That’d be great. I can never figure out the proper channels.”
“I’m sure getting all that sorted out is number two on the agenda.”
“Finally.” Grunting and stretching his wings, Phalanx sat back up and rubbed his muzzle. “You two’re quiet,” he said.
The enlisted earth mare and the commissioned unicorn stallion on the other side of the table looked at each other, at Phalanx, at Moondog. “Well,” the stallion said. “Hem. You must understand-”
The earth mare spoke up. “I don’t want to talk crap about being part of the Royal Guard while. You know.” She jerked a hoof at Moondog and stage-whispered, “In the presence of royalty.” She turned bright red (impressive, through her slate-gray coat) and a nearby donut conveniently, albeit briefly, rendered her incapable of speaking further.
“Yes.” The stallion coughed. “That.”
“Talk crap all you want,” Moondog said. “I’m not a big fan of today, myself.”
“Seriously,” added Phalanx, “she’s pretty laid-back.”
The mare and stallion looked at each other again, then the mare sighed. “That was my first day on active duty, you know,” she said. “There I am, Public Record, all ready to protect Canterlot. Then: boop! Superpowered evil centaur dude, superpowered evil changeling queen, superpowered evil alicorn filly, and armed with an anti-magical artifact, to boot.” She blew a raspberry. “Down and out before I knew what was happening. I would’ve had a better time sick in bed with strangles. And, seriously, where do these alicorns keep coming from?”
“And is that the limit of your troubles?” asked the stallion. “Pfft. At least you aren’t required to make decisions.”
“What is it this time, Minor Arc?” sighed Phalanx.
“Actually meaningful, to begin with,” said Arc. He took a long draught of cider. “I’m in the midst of a patrol of the castle wall with my superior, Lieutenant Colonel Anvil, when she espies Tirek with those pegasus eyes of hers, and she just goes straight to pieces. I presume she never really recovered from his first assault, she was flying when he…” He shook his head. “So she wings off to her superior in a panic while I’m in pursuit, trying to get her level. She reaches Corn Cob first, blurts out that we need to hide. And that isn’t the worst proposition, we could ambush him. So once my breath returns, that’s what I say.”
Another, longer draught. “But, no, Cob holds the position of colonel, so she can simply ignore both of us. She’s also in the peerage as a marchioness, which provides a thesis on how somepony with so much cranial ossification can be a colonel to begin with.” Arc snorted. “That glory hound orders us to charge headlong straight into that titan, and it doesn’t require a genius to tell you what happens next.” He continued drinking his cider in the vain hope that it would become the alcoholic kind.
“Bummer,” said Moondog. She tipped her chair back on two legs. “And I can only see the aftermath, so my complaint is not being able to do anything.”
“I’ll try to get drunk to that,” muttered Phalanx. He reached out for the jug of cider the same time Arc grabbed it in his magic. They tugged for half a second, then let go simultaneously. It wobbled on landing and some of the cider sloshed onto the floor.
“Don’t worry, I got it.” Moondog grabbed a wad of napkins with her mane and ducked under the table, where she started swabbing away at-
“Ponies!”
Still beneath the table, she turned to look; a barrel-bodied unicorn guard with a chest full of medals and a spectacular but not-quite-epic walrus mustache stomped in, each stomp of his trunklike legs sending tremors through the ground. He pounded up to the table and yelled, “There you three are! What do you think you’re doing?”
“Regaining morale,” said Record, her voice only shaking a little.
“Rejuvenating our spirits,” said Arc, more casually.
“Getting fat,” said Phalanx, absolutely no chalance present anywhere remotely near his voice.
“Very nice,” growled the unicorn. “The public is quaking down to their bones and you run off to binge on donuts?”
“Hey!” objected Joe.
“I’m sorry, Joe, the donuts being yours makes it a bit more understandable. But you’re still abandoning your posts! What would the princesses say?”
The setup was so inviting Moondog had to indulge.
E:\Equestria\Canterlot\Donut Joe's> Set-Appearance Moondog.tntbs Celestia.pny
Wearing Aunt Celly’s form (and a very disheveled version, at that), Moondog pulled herself back above the table. “Look, dude, uh…” She squinted at the unicorn.
E:\Equestria\Canterlot\Donut Joe's> Get-Actors -Name | Where-Status {$_.mustacheLevel -gt 7}
Name
----
Specific Heat.pny“Specific Heat.” She threw a wing over his withers, nearly driving him to the ground. “It’s been a long day for all of us. So why can’t we all just relax, take a load off, and enjoy some donuts, hmm?” She levitated a plate of donuts beneath his nose, waggling it. “After all, if you didn’t know that deep down, why aren’t you surprised to see me, Princess Celestia, here at a donut shop?”
With a great effort, Heat managed to shrug off Moondog’s wing. “I’m too tired to be surprised.” Pause. “And I saw you beneath the table, Moondog.”
“Dagnabbit.” Aunt Celly evaporated and Moondog was Moondog again. “You’re not supposed to twig onto shapeshifting that easily.”
“And a year ago, I wouldn’t’ve thought of it, but we’ve got some changelings in boot camp and that makes you notice things.”
“That was a pretty bad Celestia, anway,” piped up Record. “Even as a drunk, tired, or done version of her.”
“But seriously,” said Moondog. “Can’t you take a break for, like, ten minutes?” She nudged him in the side with a wing.
Heat rubbed his forehead and the tips of his mustache waved as he exhaled. “Look. Your Highness. Moondog. I see what you’re trying to do and I appreciate the thought, really. I’m just as burned-out as anyone else. But the Guard has a job. We need to keep the peace in Canterlot, and right now, that means putting on a brave face for the populace. I take that job seriously enough that, even though I’m in command of over fifty thousand ponies in this province, I’m still looking for individual ponies who are slacking off. Like these three.” He glared at the lower-ranked ponies, but having royalty on their side meant they were more perturbed by odd bundles of sprinkles on their donuts. “It’ll take a lot to convince me to stop.”
“Donuts and cider’re on me.”
“…Hey, Joe! Got any apple fritters?”
“I sure do! Baked fresh this morning, with apples straight from Sweet Apple Acres!”
“Two, please!” Heat turned to the other guards. “Ponies, we have a new mission: raise morale among the populace by continuing to support local businesses. But only for the next…” He glanced at a clock. “Three minutes. Five.”
“Sir, yes sir!” the three’s voices rang out.
Moondog rolled her eyes. “You know you don’t need to make excuses for your soldiers like that, right?”
Heat retrieved his donuts and took a seat. “Spoken like somepony who’s never had to fill out paperwork and explain to the bureaucrats why you’re late.”
“And hallelujah for that.” Moondog grunted, rolling and unrolling her wings. “You all have fun, now, but I really gotta get back to work unless every single pony in Equestria is awake. Which I guess is a possibility, but I can’t assume.” She nodded at each pony in turn. “Donut Titan Joe. Staff Sergeant Phalanx. Private Public. Major Minor. General Specific.”
They all raised their cups at her and chorused, “Duchess.”
And so, Moondog returned to nice, comfortable, malleable dreams. Getting new experiences from the real world was nice, but it wasn’t where she belonged. Still, comfort food seemed to work; even if her specific situation hadn’t changed, she felt better about it.
Good enough to ignore the Look Mom was giving her. Moondog wasn’t surprised — she had just marched out of the dream realm in the immediate aftermath of an event that would cause plenty of nightmares on its own — but… Seriously. Come on. Even constructs needed de-stressing from time to time. At least Mom seemed to understand just enough to not use the override.
The second Moondog manifested before her, Mom asked wearily, “Are you quite done?”
“Yes.”
--Error; RaceConditionException e“No. Look, Mom, I promise this one’ll only take ten minutes. Max. Seriously.”
“I’m counting,” glowered Mom. A stopwatch appeared in the air next to her. Tick tick tick tick…
“Perfect,” said Moondog. And she was gone.
He was probably just sleeping to avoid thinking — he didn’t need to sleep, anyway — but there was nothing quite like a guilt-tinged nightmare to slap some sense into you. Discord’s dream was less “tinged” and more “slathered”; memories of chew-outs drifted through the snowbound ruins of Canterlot Castle, the air howling as windigos galloped above. A powerless, dunce-capped Discord was struggling through a snowdrift, not sparing a second to look at the familiar bodies he was passing by. Just out of reach, Tirek, Chrysalis, and Cozy Glow had cornered Twilight against one of the few remaining walls. As he sank into the powder, Discord futilely reached out.
“Thanks for the morale boost, Discord,” yelled Twilight. “I really appreciate it.” And she was vaporized by the energy beams of each member of the terrible trio. All Discord could do was flinch and keen softly.
“Well!” Tirek slapped his hands together. “That is that, I believe. Superb work, Baddie Buddies!”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Cozy Glow. “What about him?” She pointed at Discord, slowly sinking down into the snow.
“What about him?” sneered Chrysalis. “We’ve already bested him, and that was when he had all the might of chaos at his beck and call. Do you really think he could be any sort of trouble?”
“No, I mean what should we give him? As a thank-you?”
“Oh!” Chrysalis’s laugh was shrill and faked. “Of course! After all…” She buzzed over to Discord and traced a hoof along his cheekbones; he weakly tried flinching away. “We couldn’t have done it without you,” she purred.
“Seriously,” Moondog deadpanned. “What were you thinking?” She was slightly sympathetic, admittedly, but it didn’t come easily. Discord had gathered together a set of villains to menace Equestria and managed to be surprised when those villains menaced Equestria. There was making an honest mistake, and then there was just plain stupid.
Discord managed to fully shove Chrysalis away as he locked his gaze on Moondog. “Oh, hello.” His voice was a weak imitation of his former confidence. “Yet another member of the Shame Squad, I suppose, come to tell me yet again how stupid my plan was? In case you haven’t noticed…” He grit his teeth together tightly. “I am perfectly capable of doing that myself. I won’t even stop, no matter how much I beg.”
“No,” said Moondog. “I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said or will be said except: may you be thoroughly bescumbered by all.”
“Fair enough,” said Discord. He tugged at his cap; still no luck. “Now, scram, if you would. It’s time to start moping, for I’ve got some coping to do.” He waved a claw at Moondog, but his heart wasn’t in it (metaphorically or literally).
“Well, gee golly!” gasped Cozy, clapping her hooves to her cheeks. “You can’t even shoo her off properly! You really are the worst draconequus ever.”
“It’s amusing, really.” Tirek grabbed Discord’s antler and twisted him around to face him. “You make a horribly ineffective villain… except when you’re trying to be a hero. Ironic, isn’t it?”
“You might suppose,” Discord said forlornly. “I ought to be thankful you’re using ‘ironic’ correctly.” He grinned weakly. “My subconscious, of all belowawarenesses, is using ‘ironic’ correctly. Hah.” His laugh was so forced it sounded like a steam engine dying of laryngitis.
Moondog tried to ignore Discord, to just let him stew in the guilt of his own actions, but couldn’t. On the one hoof, Discord. On the other, she was neglecting her purpose for one specific person who, unlike some people, was remorseful over his actions, letting him wallow in misery because she didn’t like him all that much.
On the other other, Discord.
No contest, really. She gave the air a quick one-legged buck, whereupon a windigo tripped on a gale and fell from the sky. It boinked Tirek on the head, then Chrysalis, then Cozy Glow; as one, they went limp and collapsed. When Discord slipped out of Tirek’s grasp, he fell lightly onto a beanbag chair of actual beans. He worked himself out of the blobby cushion and looked quizzically at Moondog. “Why…?”
wind.setTemperature(TEMP.Warm);
She shrugged as she pulled open an interdream portal. “Just because I don’t have a heart doesn’t mean I’m heartless.”
Discord blinked, then smiled. It was almost genuine. “That nearly sounds like something I would say. Thank you.” Once again, he tried and failed to pull off his dunce cap.
“May you still be thoroughly bescumbered, though.”
“Still fair enough.”
“Alright, Mom. Now I’m done.”
Mom halted the stopwatch and examined it. “Four minutes, fifty-five seconds,” she said. “Hmm.” She frowned and the watch vanished into mist. “It would seem I was overly reactive in presuming-”
“Oh, nooooo.” Moondog shook her head. “I mean, right when you need me the most, I bug out to binge on food I don’t even need? No, I totally deserved that, and- You know what? I haven’t really been a teen. Consider that my rebellious phase.”
“I always assumed,” Mom said, grinning slightly, “that your rebellious phase was you growing self-awareness and not doing exactly what you were told.”
“Nah, that was more like the terrible twos. Only the ‘twos’ was weeks instead of years, but, yeah.” Shrug. “Sorry I ran out like that. Now that I’m done being selfish, what do you need me to do?”
“At the moment? Very little. As if anypony who knows what happened could sleep. But, in a few hours, when weariness overtakes them…” Mom inhaled deeply through her nostrils. “Well.”
“Yeah.”
“The bulk of our work shall be centered around Canterlot, but we must absolutely not forget the rest of Equestria. I shall handle the heartlands in the coming days, but I haven’t the faintest clue of when this news will reach the borderlands. If you would periodically check in on them over the next few weeks, particularly tonight-”
“Got it.” Moondog saluted.
“Thank you.”
“…How do you deal with it?”
“With what?”
Moondog didn’t know why she’d said that. The question had been rolling around her head for a while, true, but she’d never intended to say it, and definitely not like that, all… despairing. But it was out, and no amount of regretful cringing on her part would take it back. “Feeling so…” So what? Helpless? Unnecessary? Angry? “…carried. Like you’re caught in a river and all you can do is try to stay afloat. This just… came out of nowhere and I had to pick up the pieces before I knew anything was even broken. And then there’s Cozy Glow’s magic drain, where I couldn’t help with because that would mean dying, and… How do you deal with it?”
Mom went quiet. Very quiet. She stared out into the dreamscape, her eyes distant, her wings loose at her sides. It was rare for her to be this contemplative. If they’d been in an actual dream rather than the collective unconscious, all activity around her would be stilled, and not even through any effort on her part.
--Error; ThoughtBufferOverflowException e“Um.” Moondog shifted her weight and coughed. “Too heavy?”
“No,” said Mom. “Merely heavier than usual.” She closed her eyes and took a long breath. “The truth of the matter is… if there truly is nothing you can do, you tread water until someone can pull you out. Ultimately, that is what a friend is: someone who can help you when you cannot help yourself.”
She sat down; Moondog sat next to her and they threw a wing over each other. “I am among the most powerful beings on the planet,” Mom continued, “and yet, these past few years have been… trying. Time and again, Tia and I are removed from the picture with varying degrees of effortlessness. Always, might I add, by foes who have some form of magic-nullifying abilities. One would think they were given those abilities specifically to tangle with us.”
“Seems like that, doesn’t it?” Moondog asked. She tried grinning, but it didn’t quite feel right.
“Indeed. And yet, time and again, when we are removed, someone has stepped in to fill the void. Usually Twilight and her friends, but I would be remiss to not mention Starlight and her eclectic assemblage of allies, or a certain sextet of students. I have…” Mom sighed. “I cannot deny that my helplessness is… aggravating, but some things are simply out of my hooves. The nature of the dream realm is similar; the information you have access to will always lag behind that of the physical world. Picking up the pieces is all you can do.”
“Oh.” Moondog’s free wing twitched and she laid her head against Mom’s shoulder. “So… no chance of me saving the day?”
“I am afraid not.” Mom shook her head. “Not unless you plan on leaving dreams at least once a day to check.”
notify(self.getThoughts(), new Idea());
“Or get somepony to come into dreams and tell me when stuff’s going down,” Moondog mused. “Train her in basic dream magic, slap her in a uniform, and call her a courier. She tells me what’s going on outside, and if I need to give anyone any messages, I give them to her to send out.” Yeah, that would probably work.
“Whatever you feel is best,” said Mom. “But you must trust that Twilight can handle the physical realm, just as she is trusting you to handle dreams. I know full well how unsatisfying it is to sleep through paradigm shifts, but…” She ruffled Moondog’s mane. “We must play with the hooves we are dealt.”
Which Elements had Mom held during her time, again? Because she was throwing truth bombs all around. Moondog liked working with dreams, she really did, but she always sort of ignored that, when it came to real-world influence, she’d rolled snake eyes. And she was fine with that; real-world influence meant real-world attention meant real-world crowds meant a burning desire to hide. But just this once, Moondog wanted it, and she couldn’t have it. It was easy to pretend that she didn’t care about heroics when no heroics needed to be done. It didn’t make a wake-up call (fnah fnah) like this any easier to swallow.
Still, at some point, she needed to swallow it. Mom was right; dreams would always lag behind the real world, and Twilight had a knack for getting these incidents solved quickly. It was like waiting to hear of a sale from ponies who had already gone to the store. Like Mom had said, she wasn’t going to be ready unless she was already in the real world when it happened. Leaving aside all the issues of the real world and avoiding her responsibilities, having an ethereal, trans-dimensional golem perpetually chilling at the castle waiting for the world to end wouldn’t exactly be great for ponies’ morale. She’d always be in Twilight’s wake.
Granted, that wasn’t the worst place to be. Far from it. Moondog didn’t want the attention that came from being out front, anyway. She’d just never be able to crest a wave before Twilight broke it. It was frustrating, to imagine all the places she could help and never would be able to just because she was late, but life was full of frustrations. Time to start tackling them and accepting them. She’d run into them a lot more once Mom stepped down.
Mom must’ve noticed Moondog’s silence, because she said, “Oh, come now, a pony’s worth is not determined by the number of times they save the world. Do not mope simply because you have never done one specific thing. You have done much good for Equestria and will continue to do so, regardless of the circumstances. Given time, your skill may come to surpass even mine.”
“I know,” said Moondog. “I just wanna save the world. Just once.”
“And I want to ban the bureaucracy, but neither will that happen.”
“I’ll see if Twilight can abolish it.”
“And reduce the amount of sorting and checklists in the world? Good luck.”
“Yeah.” Moondog tightened her wing slightly, giving Mom a squeeze. “Thanks for the talk.”
“Of course.” Mom squeezed back. “If you ever wish to speak like this again, you know where to find me.”
Moondog flowed out of Mom’s grasp. “I’ll get to work on dreams, then. Be seeing you.” She saluted and was gone.
That night, dreams roiled. The story of what had happened in Canterlot spread across Equestria like wildfire, often twisting and mutating beyond recognition. More than once, Moondog ran into a dream where all the princesses were dead. Again, she was acutely aware of just how little she’d helped against the terrible trio. But as she quelled each nightmare, stilled each upset mind, the dreams of Equestria calmed. What started as a storm-swept sea was, idea by idea, reduced to a slightly disturbed ocean. It wouldn’t eliminate ponies’ stress or remove their anxiety, but by thunder, they were not going to have to face the world on anything less than a good night’s sleep.
Maybe she never would save the world. But she could make the almost-apocalypse bearable. And for now, that was enough.
In the last few minutes before the dawn, Moondog blipped up next to Mom. “Hey. Just so you know, I’m feeling a lot better compared to yesterday afternoon. No depression or anything. Just…” She stretched her wings. “Nothing like a little work to get your mind off things.”
“Good.” Mom nodded.
“Still a bit disappointed, but oh well. Did some thinking and it might not ever be that much of a problem for me. I mean, hey…” Moondog smirked. “My track record for getting captured is way better than yours!”
Mom quirked a grin. “Perhaps. For the moment. But…” She leaned in and put her mouth next to Moondog’s ear. “You are to be one of Equestria’s next princesses,” she waited. “Just wait until you are on the receiving end.”
wellBooger();
What, you thought Moondog might actually play anything like a role in the finale? April Fool’s!
…I swear it was funny in my head.
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I'm impressed Moon Dog could stand being in reality long enough to get food from 3 different restaurants.
Son of a Diamond Dog, I didn't even notice that until you pointed it out. Why can't more things posted on this day of the year be this clever?
Wait, wait, wait... Moondog has to interact with the real world with Powershell!? ... No wonder it hurts.
Awwwww! Let her save the world! Just oce. Good chapter! I loved it!
Dangit. Now I want donuts. Phoo.
:D
She will get her chance
Funnily enough I have donuts in my cupboard. I just might have one now...
Don't worry, Moondog, hopefully you'll have your chance one of these days. Somehow. Heck, you tutored some of the Student Six. Can't imagine that didn't help them somehow. Even indirect help is still help, y'know?
Somepony's channeling a certain lemur, I see.
Be at ease Moondog you are a hero just one the isent readely visable:
Adulthood in a nutshell.
I'm gonna be honest, I would probably be this employee in this situation
Wow, most of the current royals would like you
That's not a terrible idea
Heh. Love that end there. XD
Moondog hanging out in the real world with the proles tickles my fancy. She should do it more often. Does the royal guard have a dedicated morale officer?
I'd never before realized how much I want a series of stories in which Saffron Masala reacts to a dispassionate Coriander Cumin.
Maybe it's because I don't know much about the military, but you could have been even more revealing about the soldiers' ranks and I still wouldn't have seen those puns coming. Then it would have really been a groaner.
But I also can't figure out the play on words in "Logreins," so maybe I'm just having a clueless day.
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Logres was the name of King Arthur's kingdom in medieval literature. (Camelot was Arthur's castle and only the castle, strictly speaking.)
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Leslie Nielsen and Monty Python are giggling somewhere.
I mean twilight is the one that will be targeted by the cross hair because she is visible and Moondog stays in the dream realm most of the time so there is not much chance of her getting caught
I have been trying to archive that for over a decade with no luck.
Yeah being a backstage helper isn't glamorous, but those who know are usually much more pointedly grateful...
An excellently written Coriander Cumin. The Stallion Who Gives No Bucks!
Hey, whatever datum works.
Corporal Ethereal. Specialist Generalist. Sheep.
Well, I learned a new word today.
And yeah, Moondog isn't exactly equipped for real-world first response. Still, now that she recognizes the problem, she can plan a way to fix it. Much like the underpreparedness of the Guard. "The protagonists will fix it" is not a good national defense policy.
Looking forward to more, especially the accession.
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I dunno, Technically Starlight was capable of ‘catching’ Moondog because she accidentally forced her to reality. So anyone with enough magical ability and planning and knowledge of Moondog could definitely do something.
I love the shrugging Moondog in the authors notes at the end.
Me expecting an April fools joke.
The chapter: Nope
This made us think of Sydney.
grrlpowercomic.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/2011-03-07-GP0029.jpg
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What's more funny is that Starlight did yet another evil villain act on accident. Which makes it number what? 4 since reformed? 6? Just saying that for a reformed villain, she's got a lot of villainous habits that make for funny accidents (like entrapping a princess).
This chapter reminds me that I haven't had a donut since like...forever. I should get one once it's safe to go out and eat again.
As the theatre would say, there are no small parts just small actors
She may not save The World, but every night she saves individual ponies worlds. ^^
If moondog is going to save the world it's going to be by mellowing out Twilight and keeping her from destroying it in some kind of waking dream stress fit or something.
This was an excellent chapter. Of course Moondog couldn't help directly in the final battle, that makes sense...but at least she can play a part in helping fix things.
It was also good to see her helping Discord. It showed that Discord is aware he messed up, he is sorry, wasn't expecting her to help him, especially after what happened...and she helped anyway. A good scene in a good chapter.
Also, the little bit of humor, where she said the guards' names before leaving Donut Joe's? That made me chuckle a little. As did other small moments peppered throughout.
A mystic with stunted growth escaped from a prison.
The call went out to the guards that there was a "Small medium at large."
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By any chance, have you read Forensic Punology?