Caster Party
Moondog was between dreams when Mom caught her. “Moondog?” Mom asked. “Could you come with me? I… need your help with something.”
flabber.gast();
“Seriously?” Moondog asked. She put a hoof on her chest. “My help.”
“Is that so surprising?”
“When literally the only other times you’ve needed my help are the trans-Equestrian incidents of the year that haven’t happened recently… yeah, kinda. Or do you just need me to be your gofer? I mean, I don’t mind that, but…”
“Worry not. Your goferhood shall remain nonexistent. This is a mite more complicated.” Mom twisted her magic and the collective unconscious bled away into an unassuming wooden hallway. No windows, no doors except for a single one set in the middle of one of the walls. “Wait here,” Mom said. “There is one last thing I need to take care of.” She vanished through the door without bothering to open it.
“Really?” yelled Moondog. She almost reached for the doorknob, but Mom would probably be holding it shut. Honestly, this whole thing was a bit weird. Something was Up here, and Moondog didn’t know what.
But before she could even think about any of it, the wood grain twisted into words: Come in. Rolling her eyes, Moondog ripped the door open, only to be confronted with the barrel of a cannon two feet across. Before she could do anything besides gape, the cannon went off, blowing Moondog to bits with a blast of confetti and party supplies and-
“SURPRISE!”
self.setAppearance(DEFAULT);
As Moondog literally pulled herself back together, she was confronted with a bakery. Confetti filled the air like rain, rippling streamers dangled from the ceiling, and strung from the rafters was a banner screaming HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY MOONDOG. Within the bakery was a small group of ponies: Mom, cheering enthusiastically with a party hat perched on the tip of her crown. Aunt Celly, unregalia’ed, blowing on a noisemaker like she’d never done it before and would never get the chance to again. Moonlit Meadow, trying to cheer while simultaneously gawking at the princesses. Discord, silent, bored, wearing a Happy birthday. Where’s the cake? shirt, waving an inch-long pennant back and forth. And, of course, the Queen of Confectionery herself, Pinkie Pie, just about ready to explode with glee; multicolored steam was already pouring from her ears.
“Happy unbirthday, Moondog!” Pinkie squealed, bounding up. “You know, whenever you’re around Ponyville, I can tell, because I get a tail corkscrew and a nose twitch, and that’s like super rare-” Her voice suddenly dropped to a crime-boss growl. “-because you know what the tail corkscrew means in conjunction with the nose twitch?”
--Error; PinkiePieException p“No…?” Moondog asked, feeling like she was walking on eggshells and also not the kind of person who could walk on eggshells without breaking them. She shuffled back and tensed her wings.
“It means you’ve never had a birthday party!” Pinkie bellowed. “And what sort of- existence is it if you’ve never had a birthday party? So even though this is nowhere near your birthday, we need to remedy that. And I mean need need. Good thing an unbirthday party is close enough.”
“I don’t really-”
“I asked Princess Luna for help-” Pinkie pulled Mom into a side hug. “-and she said she’d love to! And I thought Princess Celestia would want to come-” Aunt Celly was pulled into the hug. “-because she doesn’t get to attend many family birthday parties. And then Luna said you had a friend who’d want to be here-” Meadow was engulfed by the conglomerate. The fact that Pinkie didn’t have enough hooves to be holding everypony fazed no one. “-so she collected Meadow here and I really need to send her a birthday cake at some point! So the gang’s all here!” Her smile was wide enough to swallow a boat as she pulled everypony tight.
Discord coughed.
“And then Discord crashed the party but I can’t get rid of him, so sorry!” Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “But this is the first time I’ve been able to throw a first-ever unbirthday party for someone who can appreciate it, so I can’t just pass it up!” She released everybody and bounced in place a few inches in front of Moondog, the floor flexing like a trampoline. “So whaddya think?”
“Look, look, look-” Moondog shoved Pinkie away. “I really don’t need a party.”
“That’s what makes them parties and not obligations!” said Pinkie, shoving herself back. “Please? I promise you won’t need to go to the real-world party I’m hosting tomorrow!”
“You’re having a party for someone who doesn’t even exist in your dimension?”
“Uh, yeah, duh? That’s what I said.”
--Error; PinkiePieException pMoondog wasn’t sure when, exactly, she gave up trying to follow Pinkie Pie’s train of logic. Whenever it was, it was too late. Pinkie’s IQ was complex, in the mathematical sense; it had a real component and an imaginary component. And for such a goofy pony, she had a spectacular strength of will. If she really got going, you had no chance of stopping her. Parties really got her going before you could even blink. Moondog never had a chance.
Gulp. “Fine, fine,” said Moondog. “So, uh, where’s the, the cake?”
“Right here!” From nowhere in particular, Pinkie whipped out a triple-decker cake with two candles on top. “But before you blow them out, we’ve gotta sing to you! Everypony ready?”
It was only a Look from Mom that kept Moondog from becoming one with the floorboards.
Moondog missed dreams. Specifically, normal dreams, where it was just her and the dreamer, maybe somepony else if she brought them in. Here, not only were there a lot more people, they were all staring at her. She would’ve made herself invisible, except that Mom would just rip the invisibility off first thing. What was the point of reality warping if there was a stronger one only ten feet away?
But once the candles were out, the attention was off her, thank goodness. Pinkie had set up games around the room and everyone was either playing one of those or taking advantage of the infinite amount of consequence-free cake. Moondog savored the few attention-free moments, but the others were still there, and knowing Pinkie, it was only a matter of time before she did something else that focused all their attention back to Moondog.
As long as the party was going, there was a chance she was going to be the center of attention again. She could not have that. She needed to get this party ended and go back to her nice, lonesome, unburdened-by-attention interdream existence ASAP. First recourse: demand a shorter lunch break from her manager.
“Mom? Are you sure-”
“Have you felt the fabric of the dream at all? Time is quite dilated in here. Very little time shall pass in Equestria while we are here, and tonight is a quiet night, besides. Relax! Enjoy yourself!” And then Mom practically inhaled a slice of cake.
Booger. Might as well get some punch while she thought of her next move. Maybe she could learn something from a party planner.
The punch tasted good. Really good. Why did it taste good? Mom wasn’t this good with taste, and she was the best at taste in the room aside from Moondog herself. Meadow hadn’t done anything with consumables, Aunt Celly could barely make a coffee table in dreams, and Discord wouldn’t know good taste if it electrocuted him in the gustatory cortex. The only other option was that Pinkie Pie’s ability to acquire refreshments for (un)birthday parties transcended dimensions.
Okay, yeah, that was definitely it. Why had that even been a question?
As she drank more and more punch, Moondog thought. Pinkie liked parties and, more importantly, liked good parties. Hypothetically, Moondog could get this party stopped by wrecking the place, but that would just be mean. On the other hoof, if she could convince Pinkie that this party wasn’t the greatest, then maybe… She sidled up to Pinkie, her cup of punch floating at her side. She took another sip (wow was it fruity) and cleared her throat. “So. Um. Pinkie.”
Pinkie held up a hoof. “Hold on juuuuuust a moment…” Her tongue sticking out, she drew her hoof back and hurled the dart at the dartboard. She almost hit the bullseye, but the painted bull reared at the last moment; she didn’t even hit its head. It smirked and blew a raspberry at her.
“I’ll get you next time!” Pinkie yelled, shaking a hoof at the dartboard. She spun to face Moondog, smiling broadly. “So how’s the unbirthday epicene? Having fun?”
“Um, yeah, yeah,” Moondog said. To her surprise, that wasn’t entirely inaccurate, if only because the punch was so darn good. “But, um, you said you wanted this to be a party, and there’s not a lot of people here, so can this really be a party? Maybe you should do it some other ti-”
“Oh, Moondog,” Pinkie laughed, patting her on the head. “There is so much you still need to learn. Don’t you know the Quantum Party Existence Theorem?”
self.searchMemories("quantum party existence theorem");
--Error; PinkiePieException p
return: NULLMoondog pushed Pinkie’s hoof away with her mane. “Not really, no.”
“Don’t worry, it’s super simple. A party has a bunch of people, right?”
“Okay…” Moondog nodded slowly.
“And if one person leaves, it’s still a party, right?”
“Yeah…”
“So, by induction, we prove that any amount of people can be a party! Ergo, this is a party.”
Moondog blinked and rustled her wings. “Well, uh…”
--Error; PinkiePieException p“Sure, let’s go with that.”
Pinkie threw a leg over Moondog’s shoulders. “Sorry I couldn’t do any better. I would’ve brought in more people and gotten this party up to optimum population levels-” (Moondog’s stars briefly stopped twinkling.) “-but I didn’t want Luna to spend all night as a chauffeur. Then she wouldn’t be able to enjoy the party with you, and we can’t have that.”
“Well, I mean,” said Moondog, “if this isn’t the best party you could throw, maybe we should wait until-”
Discord appeared floating above them, a plate of cake balanced on each digit (and a few on some orders of magnitude). “Believe me, Accident,” he said, “giving this party a chance is your best choice.”
jerkface.setGravity(1);
All of the cake and plates managed to land rightside-up when Discord fell. As he collected them, he continued, “And I mean that. The parties Pinkie Pie throws for me are really quite enjoyable. I don’t know how she knows which dates my birthdays will fall on in any given year, but she manages.” Discord shrugged and took a bite from one of his slices of cake. Despite its best efforts, the slice failed to take it back. “So thank you for those, Ms. Pie.”
“I can’t just leave you in the lurch like that!” protested Pinkie. “And I shouldn’t be leaving you in the lurch either, Moondog, but do you know how hard it is to plan a party in thoughtspacetime? I’m really sorry I couldn’t do this before!”
It was impossible to be anything resembling upset while looking at a face like that, and Moondog found herself less and less willing to make up whatever excuse it took to end the party early and get people to stop looking at her. She shifted her attention to Discord. “Why’re you even here?”
“One: I get to annoy you, which immediately improves my day tenfold. Two, and more importantly: free cake. Pinkie’s cake is the most utterly delectable I’ve ever tasted.”
“And you can’t just poof up your own copy of it because…?”
Worry flitted across Discord’s face. “I honestly don’t know,” he said, his voice distant. “I’ve tried more times than I can count. (And do you know how high I can count?) But no matter what I do, it never comes out as good as when Pinkie Pie makes it.”
“That’s because you’re not making the cake with love, like I am!” chirped Pinkie. “No, really. I talked with Cadance about it, and she says love has its own energies like magic and friendship, so if you put enough love into, say, whipping the cream, it’ll-”
As Pinkie Pie babbled on, Discord crouched down. “I know you distrust me — believe me, I would too,” he whispered in her ear (opposite the one his mouth was next to), “but considering you and your mother have put me in the nigh-unthinkable predicament of not being the most powerful person in the room, I believe being honest with you is in my best interests. I am not kidding in the slightest when I say: go for the cake.”
Moondog attempted to glare at him, but his words held a sincerity that was usually missing and made her falter. And, well, he was right: she could overpower him if it came to that. But. No matter how good of an unbirthday present that would be, she needed to learn some restraint. She could start by focusing her attention on the cake rather than him.
Her mane snaked out and grabbed a plate. She absent-mindedly put a forkful in her mouth and-
Holy crow.
The pastry stimulated Moondog in ways that went beyond mere taste. The crumbliness of the bread, the slight dampness of the frosting, the perfect thickness of the layers… No one aspect was anything less than perfect, and yet they all synergized to make something even greater. Never, in the wildest dreams she’d created, could Moondog imagine experiencing something so… divinely sublime. It called forth carefree memories of dreams long past, relaxed her, mellowed her out; after all, nothing bad could even exist near something so utterly tasty as this. This was the gold standard of deliciousness, the supreme example of pastries, the Haytonic ideal of succulence, the ultimate apotheosis of all of dessert itself.
The cake was good, in other words.
“-which also makes it a halfway-decent substitute for pure love for changelings!” finished Pinkie. “So I know when I’m doing when it’s Thorax’s birthday!”
“Hey, um, Moondog?” Meadow poked Moondog in the side.
“Yeah?” asked Moondog. Pinkie had set up a game of Pin the Tail on the Pony, with the pony in question being Equestria-renowned sprinter Usain Colt, and Moondog was content to just watch. And eat cake. The absolutely delicious cake, like none other in existence.
“What do I DOOOOOOOOO?” Meadow whisper-screamed. “That’s Princess Celestia, that’s Princess Luna, and that’s Pinkie Pie, and like everypony in this room’s really super famous and cool except me!”
Discord leaned in between the two. “What about me?” he singsonged, fluttering his eyelashes.
Meadow shoved Discord aside with dream-magic-enhanced strength. “Like I said,” she muttered, “everypony.”
“Just talk to somepony,” said Moondog. “They’re all pretty chill.”
“Pinkie Pie literally shot you point-blank in the face with a cannon.”
“In their own way. Mom would love to hear about your dream magic skills, Aunt Celly likes talking to her little ponies-” Moondog ducked as Aunt Celly leaped over her in pursuit of Colt. “-and Pinkie Pie just loves everybody.”
Discord poofed into existence between the two and a spotlight focused itself on him. Posing, he said, “While I am-”
jerkface.move(0, 20, 0);
Once Discord had been teleported to the other side of the bakery, Moondog said, “Seriously, pick somepony, walk up to them, and start talking. You’ll do fine. Be an alicorn if it makes you feel better.”
“It’s not that,” mumbled Meadow. “It’s- That’s Princess Celestia.”
Aunt Celly took a turn too fast and plowed into a cake. The tail went flying into a corner of the room while Colt stopped running to point and laugh.
“Real dignified, ain’t she?” said Moondog, smirking a little. “She’s still a pony. You’re closer to her than you are to me.”
Meadow kneaded her hooves against the floor and looked away. “Yeah, but- I know you, and-”
Moondog glanced over. Mom was sitting at one of the tables, stealing a bit of frosting from one of the cakes. Might as well be her, especially since Meadow had already sort-of met her. “Want me to introduce you to Mom? Again?”
“To- Princess Luna? But- she’s-”
self.setLocation(mom.getLocation()); meadow.setLocation(mom.getLocation());
Space bent and the two of them were sitting at Mom’s table. “Hey, Mom,” Moondog said. “You remember Meadow, right?” She clapped a hoof on Meadow’s back, who immediately went as stiff as a board. Her eyes huge and her pupils tiny, Meadow squeaked, “Hi.”
“Hello,” Mom said, licking some frosting off her nose. “Again, I thank you for giving Moondog the assistance she needed during the Cozy Glow incident.”
“Thanks.”
Mom shot a glance at Aunt Celly, then leaned close and whispered, “And your mother’s chocolate chip bars were most extraordinary. I would love another batch, if she is willing to make them.”
Meadow managed to gag and hiccup at the same time, but she perked up slightly. “Um. I can. Give you our address. So you can write. To her. And ask. For the bars.” She half-smiled. “They are pretty good, aren’t they?”
“Indubitably.”
bars = new ChocolateChipBarBatch();
“There,” Moondog said, putting a plate of the bars on the table between them. Mom snatched two up immediately; Meadow was a bit slower, but dug in with gusto once she had a taste.
“So,” Mom said once she’d swallowed, “I have heard that Moondog has taught you dream magic.” (Meadow shot Moondog a terrified look.) “Has she been a good teacher?” (Moondog shot Meadow a terrified look.)
“Oh, yeah!” Meadow said, nodding. “I, I can’t do anything like you can, but I can do…” A pair of wings peeled themselves from her sides. She flapped them once and smiled nervously. “Y-you know, just small stuff like this.”
“Many ponies cannot manage even that much,” said Mom, examining the wings. Her horn glowed for the briefest of instants as she probed the magic that made them up. Meadow wouldn’t notice anything, but Moondog felt it clear as day. “They are not perfect, but it is a close thing. It would not be out of place for you to continue honing your talents in this field.”
“Bduh.” Meadow’s wings twitched, then she smiled so widely she almost began glowing. Mom glanced at Moondog and gave a little smile of approval.
All three looked to the corner when something crashed. Aunt Celly had Colt in a headlock and was attempting to wrestle the tail onto him. “You know what, you two have fun,” Moondog said, hopping off her chair. “I should probably talk to Aunt Celly before she strains a brainwave or something.”
As she left, she turned an ear back when Meadow began talking again. “So, I… uh… don’t wanna… sound rude or anything, but…” Meadow took a long, deep breath. “How come you can’t lucid dream without magic when even I can do that?”
Mom’s response was so quick Moondog was sure she’d been preparing it. “Have you ever heard of the centipede’s dilemma?”
“You need a luchadora mask?” Moondog asked Aunt Celly. “Seriously, that’s pretty intense for a party game.”
“The record will be mine!” Aunt Celly yelled. She rolled across the floor, entwined with Colt to the point that it was impossible to tell one from the other. A twist, a lunge, and Colt was re-tailed; he disintegrated into a cloud of purple sparks.
Pinkie Pie smacked the button of a timer. “One minute, fifty-two seconds!” she yelled. “It’s a new record!”
“Ha!” Aunt Celly pulled off her blindfold and grinned up at Discord. “I’d love to see you beat that time!”
Discord snatched the blindfold away and tied it on. “Well, get ready to marry it, because that record shall be beaten until it cries ‘uncle’.” He plucked the tail from thin air. “Start the timer, oh MP Pinkie!”
As Colt reappeared and took off again, Moondog and Aunt Celly took seats along the wall. Aunt Celly had already snagged a piece of cake and was digging in. Once about half the slice was gone, she put the plate on a table and slouched deeply into her chair, like she was a teen at a boring speech. “I could get used to this,” she sighed happily.
“You’re stuck in a single room with nothing to do but eat cake, drink punch, and play party games,” said Moondog.
“I know! Isn’t it great? And there are no cameras!” Aunt Celly’s laugh was far too dignified for the situation at hoof. Ponies were weird, alicorns most of all (Mom included). “There’s only you and Luna, who keep secrets, Meadow, who won’t say a thing because she still can’t believe it, Pinkie Pie, who’s always seen me as a pony first and princess fourth or fifth, and Discord, who’s never taken me seriously to begin with and so won’t change his opinion because of this. Thank you!” she yelled at Discord.
Discord’s swing with the tail missed by a few scant centimeters. “You’re welcome!” he yelled, although his tone of voice said otherwise. “Now, come here, you little-”
“Luna and I have our images to keep up,” said Aunt Celly, “and it’s exhausting. She has it a bit better than I do, since she’s not in the public eye nearly as much, but she still has it.” She swiped two pieces of cake and swallowed one whole. “Half the reason I’m looking forward to retiring is because I won’t need to keep it up anymore. Don’t be surprised if Luna tries to make herself useful,” she added. “She likes the practicality of guarding dreams far more than paperwork.”
“It’s really that bad?” Moondog asked. At least, if she ever had to give a speech to a crowd in the real world (shudder), she could make her regalia as glamorous and as comfortable as she wanted it to be at the same time. No such luck for Mom and Aunt Celly.
Aunt Celly gave a low whistle. “It’s awful! The crown and peytral are heavy, but tradition says I need to wear them whenever I’m in public.” She snatched up a cup of punch. “Why did I make that a tradition, anyway? Stupid. My chest itches all the time and would you believe me if I told you this mane waves because of shampoo?” Gulp. “I wear the crown so much it chafes like mad, so I need to use the right shampoo for scalp health, and it needs to work quickly, so it’s magical, and over the course of using it for a thousand years, so much of that magic has worn off on my head that now my mane itself is magical.”
“No, I wouldn’t believe it.”
“But there are ponies who would,” Aunt Celly said seriously, “because I’m never seen without my crown. My image says it has to be that way. And really, it does chafe once the cushioning spells on it wear off. Again.” Sip. “So I know you didn’t cause this, I know you didn’t want this, but thank you for giving me a chance to let my mane down. So to speak.”
auntCelly.getMane().setGravity(1);
Aunt Celly’s mane immediately stopped flowing and dropped to the ground like a popped balloon. Smirking, Moondog asked, “How’s that?”
“It’s quite punny.” Aunt Celly dragged her mane over and pulled it around her neck like a scarf. “And also quite heavy. I think about half of all magic in the world, spells or not, is used to reduce weight. Like levitation. Or pegasus flight. Or Discord.” She cupped her hooves around her mouth and yelled, “You wouldn’t need to use magic to walk if you didn’t skip leg day, Discord!”
Discord slipped and fell from the rafters, missing Colt by a mile. “Tell me, what’s the point in having phenomenal cosmic powers if you never use them?” he asked. “I said come here!”
“Oh, my, he’s nowhere close and it’s already been a minute fifty,” Aunt Celly whispered, almost to herself. “I think my record is going to stand, don’t you?” Wink.
In hindsight, Moondog couldn’t believe it took her that long to get it. “You’re timing those on purpose, aren’t you?” she said quietly, grinning.
Aunt Celly put on an innocent face. “It’s not my fault that I’m an advantage player where he’s just a cheater.” She took a totally innocent bite of cake.
“…Want some help?”
“Oh, harmony, no. This is my record, and I shall protect it.”
whatTheHeck();
“You’ll need to do a lot of work to protect it from me.”
“Moondog?” asked Meadow, still a pegasus for the moment. “Your mom is full of it.”
“Only on a few certain points.” Moondog tried to forget the embarrassment of her pinning (4 minutes, 39 seconds, sweet Aunt Celly that was terrible) by eating another piece of cake. How did Pinkie get the frosting that whippy while still being that chocolatey? “But on those… yeah, definitely. Magicless lucid dreaming?”
“Magicless lucid dreaming. The centipede’s dilemma had nothing to do with it. And it’s really not that hard!” Meadow’s wings sprang open. “But she kept trying to change the subject and then she said she needed to leave to check on dreams and then pbbt! She was just gone.”
“Just because she’s hanging out here doesn’t mean dreams stop existing. Besides, it’s not like she needed to learn how to lucid dream without magic before then.”
“Eh. I guess.” Meadow gave her wings a little flick and they dissolved into feathers. “Still…”
Moondog quickly changed the subject. “I forgot to ask: when it comes to everypony being really super famous and cool… What about me?”
“You’re really super cool but not really super famous.”
“The way I like it.”
“And that’s why you’re boring!” Discord poofed into the air between them, still devouring cake. “You could be-”
“Don’t care,” Moondog said. “Fame is overrated.”
“Overrating is overrated. And you’re just saying that because you have no fame.” Discord stuffed a forkful of cake into his mouth, then put the cake back on the plate. “You’ve never even tried to get any, never reached for the stars. You’re content to just wallow in your own complacency and-”
“She saved my life!” piped up Meadow. “Which is more than I can say about you.”
Discord twisted around in the air and fixed Meadow with an icy glare. Meadow flinched and took a step back, but didn’t look away, even though she blinked a lot. Gradually, Discord lowered his feet to the ground so he could properly loom over her, but still Meadow didn’t turn away. Moondog raised a hoof to get between them, but Meadow seemed to be holding her own. Ish. Just in case, though…
jerkface.setPowers(FALSE);
“I suppose you’re right,” Discord conceded suddenly. “I can’t say Accident hasn’t accomplished anything.” He glanced at Moondog. “Which doesn’t change your dull lack of ambition in the slightest. Anyway! I don’t believe we’ve met.” He curtsied with an invisible dress. “Discord, Lord of Chaos and All-Around Suavest Guy in the Room.”
“You’re also the only guy in the- Wait. You are Discord.” Meadow tilted her head and flicked her ears. “You’re the Discord who sided with Tirek a few years ago.”
Discord froze in place and his pupils immediately shrank to pinpricks. “Um… Perhapsssss…”
Meadow’s eyes narrowed; for a teenaged earth pony, she was remarkably predatory. “Which means you’re also the reason Dad had to go to therapy for a few moons.”
Discord’s smile grew increasingly stiff. He started snapping his fingers behind his back, to no avail. “I… suppose…?”
“Go eat a ----.” Meadow blinked and turned her glare on Moondog. “Seriously, I’ll be sixteen soon, can’t you let me swear?”
Moondog shook her head. “Absolutely not. Profanity is the inevitable linguistic crutch of the inarticulate --------.”
“That, and we can’t have naughty words in our E-rated fic, oh no.” Discord rolled his eyes.
“In our what?” asked Meadow.
“You say that like it’s a bad thing!” yelled Pinkie. She cartwheeled over to the group, conveniently landing right between Meadow and Discord. She stuck out a hoof at Meadow. “Hi! I’m-”
“Pinkie Pie!” Meadow swallowed and shook hooves with her. “You’re- the- Element of Laughter.”
“Uh-huh!” Pinkie’s head pumped up and down like a piston as she nodded. “Aaaaaaand…?” She got muzzle-to-muzzle with Meadow, her grin at least a foot wide.
Meadow took two steps back and gulped. “And… I don’t… know?”
Pinkie’s mane deflated oh-so-slightly. “Aww. I guess not everypony knows me as a super-duper party pony yet. Where did you say you were from?”
As Meadow and Pinkie discussed party pony spheres of influence, Moondog turned to Discord. “Listen,” she said quietly. “Don’t even think about doing anything to Meadow.”
Discord kept snapping his fingers and nothing kept happening. “This is cheating,” he murmured, staring at the powerless digits. “I’m supposed to be the only one who can cheat.”
“Are you listening to me?”
“Yes, yes.” Discord waved a hand in Moondog’s face. “Stay away from your friends and all those predictable Equestrian banalities or you’ll… Actually, what will you do?”
“Got anything you want to keep secret? It won’t be for long.”
Discord did a full-body twitch and dropped to all fours in front of Moondog, eyes wide with… fear? Of course, Moondog reasoned, he was unused to being the one whose mind was laid bare. “You wouldn’t,” he gasped. “You can’t- I need-” Then his mouth audibly creaked into a smile. “Then I’d best stay away from her, right?”
“For both our sakes,” said Moondog. “I’ve realized I have better things to do with my time, so I haven’t been in your head at all since before Mom and Aunt Celly announced their abdication plans. Please don’t make me go in again.”
Abruptly, Discord’s smile softened like a mattress getting fluffed. “We both do,” he laughed. “Besides, I have nothing against Meadow, even if her choice of friends leaves something to be desired. She… really does have a point, you know. Draining magic is so predictable and… easy. My next attempted conquering of Equestria shall have no magic draining at all!”
Moondog rolled her eyes. “I’m sure it will.”
“Hey, Pinkie?”
“What is it?”
“This punch and cake are really good, but, uh, I’m just wondering… you made them, right?”
“Uh-huh! It took a little while, since physics didn’t like to behave-”
“But you don’t know any dream magic, do you?”
“Not yet! At least I don’t think so.”
“And you still made these.”
“Yep!”
“…How?”
“With the cake, you start by mixing flour, eggs, and-”
“You made the cake normally. In the dream.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said.”
“Where did you… get everything?”
“From the cabinets, the cupboards, the-”
“This is a dream. That’s not necessarily what’s inside. I’m not even sure the kitchen exists.”
“It never did! Why would a party venue include the kitchen?”
“So how did you…?”
“You see that door?”
“The one that goes to the Crystal Empire?”
“Exactly! When I went through it, I went to the kitchen.”
“The kitchen that doesn’t exist.”
“Right. And the kitchen doesn’t exist in the Crystal Empire, so I went to the Crystal Empire to get to the kitchen instead.”
“Okay, like, that’s dream magic.”
“No it’s not. The Crystal Empire was just where the kitchen wasn’t.”
“Forcing a dream to behave a certain way is dream magic.”
“I don’t think so. I wasn’t using any magic. I was just refusing to accept any of my head’s usual nonsense.”
--Error; PinkiePieException p“Okay. Fine. Where did you get all the decorations?”
“The party store.”
“The party store that doesn’t exist in the dream?”
“Uh-huh!”
“And I suppose you got there by just walking out the front door.”
“How else would I get there?”
“…The front door also doesn’t exist in the dream.”
“I really don’t see what the problem is here. I get to the party store by walking out the front door, so that’s what I did. Just because they don’t exist doesn’t mean that’s not how it works.”
“And you… bought all these decorations. From a store that never existed. From a clerk who never existed. Using money that never existed.”
“It’s a good thing the decorations don’t exist either, then, right?”
--Error; PinkiePieException p“You know what, never mind.”
“I always never mind! Except when it comes to making ponies smile or baking, those’re pretty important.”
“Maybe we should’ve spiked the punch,” Aunt Celly said, staring into her cup. “I haven’t been drunk in a while.”
“Just talk to Pinkie Pie for two minutes,” said Moondog. Her head was still swimming (not literally).
“Too heady.” Aunt Celly glanced at Moondog and waggled her cup a little.
“I have no idea how alcohol works,” said Moondog. “Like ninety-nine percent of my physical experiences are based on ponies’ memories and barely anypony remembers what it’s like when they’re drunk.”
One of Aunt Celly’s ears twitched. “Hmm.” She looked up. “You can go into-”
“And since my brain works differently from yours and I’m not even physical, I don’t think real-world alcohol would have any effect on me.” Besides, Moondog figured that getting herself drunk probably wouldn’t be the greatest of ideas.
“Hmm.” Aunt Celly downed the rest of the punch in her cup. She licked her lips clean and said, “Have you considered making yourself bigger at all?”
“What?”
“For a princess and a shapeshifter, your stature isn’t very regal.” Drumming her hoof in thought, Aunt Celly slowly looked Moondog up and down. “I think you’re shorter than… oh, what was his name… Big Macintosh.”
DreamActor.getInstance("Big Macintosh");Moondog and the dream copy of Big Mac looked at each other. He turned to Aunt Celly and said, “Your Majesty, it would so appear that, in this instance, the assertion that I am larger than your niece, both in height and in girth, is indeed correct, if only by mere inches, and so can be met with an answer in the affirmative, particularly one with a great degree of slang.”
Aunt Celly looked at Moondog and raised an eyebrow.
“I can’t steal his thing,” Moondog said defensively. “‘Eeyup’ is his, not a dream copy’s.”
“Eeyup,” said Dream Copy Big Mac, and vanished.
“I know I could be bigger-” Moondog briefly grew to thrice Aunt Celly’s size. “-but I work with ponies a lot. As long as I’m this size, I’m not as ‘other’ to them.”
“There are more problems with that than hairs in my coat. Ponies are used to their princesses being a little ‘other’ and they can adjust.”
“Over time. Not in one night.” Moondog flexed her wings. “But I’m also Mom’s second, so I just keep myself smaller than her as a way of… I dunno, keeping the hierarchy straight or whatever. And then there’s the fact that, well, if I wasn’t starry, I’d be a pretty plain pony. Mom can pull off regality way better.”
At that moment, a rectangle opened up in space and Mom strode forth. Her petryal glittered with paradigm shifts, her crown shown with defining memories, and her hooves trailed stardust.
“I mean, how am I supposed to compete with that?” Moondog gestured. “So she gets to be bigger.”
“She is dignified, isn’t she,” commented Aunt Celly.
“Premier Party Pony Pinkie Pie!” Mom bellowed. “Now that my time has been freed, I wish to attack the gluteal regions of a pony with their own tail whilst blinded!” She plonked a party hat on top of her crown. “Set up the timer!”
“No advantage play,” Moondog said immediately.
“Wasn’t dreaming of it.”
“Fnah fnah.”
Mom dropped into the chair next to Moondog, grinning like she’d been given an endorphin injection. “Thirty. Four. Seconds,” she panted. “Less than a third of Tia’s record!”
“Why do you two take this so seriously?” Moondog asked, one of her ears back. “I mean, I know Colt wasn’t real, but wow, did you really need to break a table over his head?”
“When the weight of the celestial bodies is on your shoulders every waking moment, being able to take something this inane so seriously is immensely cathartic. Furthermore…” Mom smiled crookedly. “I also enjoy breaking things when there are no consequences. Tia, too, I imagine.”
Moondog shrugged and drank some punch. Being physical for something like this must’ve been a mixed blessing. On the one hoof, you could drink punch like this whenever you wanted, but on the other, doing that meant you either felt bad, got fat, or felt bad while getting fat. If she had free access to this punch all the time, she’d have trouble not drinking it. (Surprisingly, just like Discord had said, she couldn’t replicate it well enough. Stupid Pinkie Pie shenaniganry.) “Hey, Mom?”
“Yes?”
“So you know I’m a…” Moondog gestured vaguely. “…a bit… obsessive when it comes to dream-managing, so, uh… why’d you do this? You know I don’t need a party for… anything.”
“I suppose blaming Pinkie Pie shall not excuse me?”
“Pinkie would’ve found a way to do it anyway.”
Mom levitated a cup over to herself. “Indeed.” A twist of magic turned the punch to water; Mom took a sip and a deep breath. “Do you recall the purpose of the original Tantabus?”
say("Self-flagellation?");
abort();“Keep you from turning back into Nightmare Moon?” Moondog said.
Mom eyed Moondog. “You were about to say ‘self-flagellation’, were you not?”
“Ehm…”
“You would have been correct. Hindsight has shown me that it was an imbecilic idea, both in conception and execution. It merely did the same thing night after night, regardless of whether I needed it. But the Tantabus itself was an arcane creation of unparalleled brilliance and overdesign alike, so I preserved its structure. Then I constructed you, thinking it would merely mean less work for me, and… And, had I ever been at risk of turning into Nightmare Moon, you would have done far more to prevent it than the original Tantabus could ever have.”
Moondog turned to Mom, one ear lowered. “Really? But I’m- I mean, I’m… not really a… I’m not the best at listening.”
“That is both true and irrelevant. ’Twas loneliness that drove me to become Nightmare Moon. Night after night of solitude, with no gratitude from the very ponies I was protecting. I could not ignore it, and it ate away at me.” Mom chuckled. “Can you imagine? The princess responsible for vanquishing hundreds of psychological problems every night, unable to handle her own.”
“I guess the farrier’s children have no shoes.”
“Exactly. Now, this generation is grateful for the work I do and I have my own friends. I am at no risk of becoming Nightmare Moon once more. But if neither of those were true, I would still have you. You were made to be subservient, but ever since you acquired sapience, you were never a yes-mare. You never did what I said simply because I was the one who said it. I could have poured my heart out to you, and you would say what I needed to hear, rather than what I wanted to hear.”
“I think you might be exaggerating a little, Mom,” said Moondog. “I’m not as good at the whole…” She made a vague circular gesture with a wing. “…psychology bits as you. You’re a lot less blunt than me. I just tell the truth and-”
--Error; InterruptedThoughtException e“-and that’s what you like and what I’m doing right now, isn’t it?” Moondog facehooved.
A small grin pulled at Mom’s mouth. “Of course. You would be someone who could both understand my situation and talk to me without tripping over themselves in awe. If I were to stew in silence, you would reprimand me for doing so. Merely having one person to communicate with would have done so much for me.”
She looked into her cup for a long moment, watching the last few drops of water chase each other around the bottom. She raised her head to look Moondog in the eye. “I have said this before, but Moondog, for all that and more, I love you from the bottom of my heart. I… I lack the skill to tell you just how much. You’ve done so much for me, for Equestria. Yet my ability to thank you beyond words is… limited. Nothing in dreams is permanent and you brush praise off like lint. So when Pinkie Pie came to me, I seized upon having somepony far superior at hosting events than I hold a party. You would wish to avoid letting her down while I could give you a small measure of thanks beyond a few words.”
Moondog began, “Does Pinkie-” Then she stopped and flexed her wings. “You probably told Pinkie exactly what you wanted and why, right? And then she was excited to throw me a party and help you at the same time.”
“To call her ‘ecstatic’ would be to put it mildly. She agreed to keep you in here to the best of her ability with little prompting. I am pleased that you are not easily distracted, but it can certainly be aggravating for you to disregard a gift simply because it is unnecessary.” Mom smiled and rumpled Moondog’s mane. “You little lout.”
“Mooooooom…” But rather than pulling away, Moondog rubbed her head against Mom’s hoof. “I really am having fun now. But I like making dreams and that was pretty much all I knew, so I guess I just… didn’t know what to think at first.” She wrapped a wing lightly around Mom’s neck. “You can do parties in the future, but no surprise ones, okay?”
“Very well.” Mom nuzzled Moondog. “Are you an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert?”
“Probably the second. Give me one pony at a time, and I’m fine.”
“Perhaps we should assign Twilight to investigate the difference between the two. …She is an extroverted introvert, yes?”
“Oh, definitely.”
Moondog tapped Pinkie Pie on the shoulder. “Hey, Pinkie?”
“Yeah?” Pinkie whipped around like she’d been spring-loaded.
“Just- thanks for the party,” said Moondog. “I really liked it. I know you said it wasn’t the best, but-”
But Pinkie was still beaming. “Oh, that was before, silly! As long as you liked it, it was the best it could be. Sorry I couldn’t get you an unbirthday present.”
“That’s fine. It’s not like I can do much with anything, anyway.”
“Maybe…” Tapping her chin, Pinkie stared off into the distance. “Maybe… I should’ve gotten you a dream of a present… But presents don’t dream… or do they? Hmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmmmm. This requires further study! I hope Twilight agrees…”
Behind Moondog, Mom cleared her throat. “Pinkie Pie, I thank you for the use of your dreamspace for this party, but the time has come to bring it to an end.”
“Sure thing! I’m glad my head could be such a good host!” Pinkie inhaled deeply and screamed, “PACK IT UP, EVERYBODY! WE’RE DONE HERE!” The decorations and refreshments began vanishing one by one. “AND REMEMBER TO WISH MOONDOG A HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY!”
Why why why why why.
“Happy unbirthday, Moondog,” said Aunt Celly. “Thank you for helping Luna manage dreams.”
“Happy unbirthday, Moondog,” said Meadow. “Thanks for- everything you’ve done for me.”
“Unbirthday, Accident,” said Discord. “I acknowledge that you are indirectly responsible for me getting cake. Fareaverage.” He snapped his fingers and vanished.
Moondog cleared her throat. “Um. Aunt Celly, Meadow, thank you for coming. Mom, thank you for setting this up. And Pinkie Pie, thank you for helping set this up and for running it.”
“Anytime!” Pinkie pounced on Moondog and hugged her tightly. “And since this even works in dreams, it can be any time!”
“If you would take Meadow back to her dream,” said Mom, “I can do the same for my sister.”
Moondog nodded and extended a hoof towards Meadow. She took it; Pinkie’s dream dripped away and was replaced by Meadow’s, a forest clearing on the (literal, perpendicular-to-the-horizontal) side of a mountain. “Need anything from me before I go?” Moondog asked.
“Nah, I’ll do it myself,” Meadow said as she stared up at the ground. “This shouldn’t be too hard.”
“Alright. Be see-”
“Moondog?” Meadow suddenly asked.
“Hmm?”
“Do you ever stop and think about how… weird our friendship is?” She turned around and looked up at Moondog. “You’re a two-year-old… glob of mental magic that makes good dreams and I’m just an earth pony and we met because I was in a coma and… It’s… It’s weird, isn’t it?”
“Maybe a decade ago it would’ve been, but now, I think weird is the new normal.”
“Yeah. I like it. Thanks for… Um. You didn’t invite me, did you?”
“Oh, come on.” Moondog nudged Meadow with a wing. “I would’ve gotten you if you hadn’t been there.”
“Really?” Meadow’s ears twitched.
“Totally. I need somepony to be lower on the totem pole than me.” Moondog grinned a huge roadapple-eating grin.
Meadow snickered. “I’m good at that. Will I get to go to high-class parties with you?”
“You will get to go to every single high-class party I do, which will hopefully be zero.”
“I can live with that.”
“Anyway, I gotta get going. Be seeing you.”
“You, too.”
self.setLocation(mom.getLocation());
Moondog unfolded from space just as Mom exited Aunt Celly’s dream. “Hey,” she said, “quick question before we get back to work. Was an unbirthday party your idea or Pinkie’s?”
“Pinkie Pie’s, most certainly. I wished to wait until your actual birthday, but I fell after a week’s pestering.” Mom shrugged, flaring her wings. “I could have held out for longer, but I knew that I would succumb eventually. None can stand for long against the awful might and partying will of Pinkie Pie.”
Moondog snorted. “C’mon, Mom, I’m the one that’s supposed to be overdramatic.”
“None,” Mom thundered, stone-faced. “You know not the boundless wrath the Pink One has towards the Partyless Void.”
Her wings twitching, Moondog pulled her head back and nickered in surprise. “Mom,” she said nervously, “you’re making it sound like-”
Mom’s jaw dropped. “You mean… You are unaware?”
--Error; ThoughtBufferOverflowException e“Unaware of what?”
Mom stared at Moondog, aghast. Then her muzzle scrunched up, her mouth twisted into a grin, and she clapped a hoof to her face, giggling. “Your expression… hehe… is most magnificent,” she said.
It took Moondog a few seconds to get it. She grinned weakly. “Oh. Heh. You’re kidding.”
“Only slightly.” Mom winked.
Moondog’s face went blank again. “Wait, in which-”
“Or perhaps not. Happy unbirthday and-” A salute, and Mom said, “-adios, hija.” Sparks gathered around her and she dispersed in a second.
“Mom!” Moondog yelled into the void.
self.setLocation(mom.getLocation());
--Error; MomOverrideException e
--"You must do better than THAT."“MOOOOOOM!” But after a seething moment, Moondog chuckled. “Heh. You win this one.”
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I give even odds on whether that's how Pinkie Pie usually obtains party supplies. The "using money that never existed" bit in particular is absolutely something one of her ancestors would do.
For real though, if you need profanity to insult someone you're not trying hard enough. Go read some Shakespeare.
10497342
I once got so clever with insulting someone that it was reported as spam rather than flaming. I'm not actually sure whether that's something to be proud of or not.
This was very funny and I think that Moondog undderestimates how serious Pinkie takes her parties or how incrompehesible Party Pony Magic is for non Party Ponies.
10497353
Sounded like pretty standard paracasual dream navigation to me. Moondog's logic-driven rational magic is something of an oddity to be honest, just one more thing that makes her uniquely excellent.
Well this was a fun chapter and Happy Unbirthday Moondog!
Honestly, this complete sense. I mean, if I was going to the party store, I'd probably go out the side door instead, but otherwise, it's basically the same. It's sort of like when you're a little kid and you get cookies. How do you get cookies? "Mom makes cookies and then I get cookies."
Smug Luna Face Here: "Am i good, or what?"
Happy Unbirthday, Moondog! Gotta relax and chill every now and then.
Man, I loved this one. Seeing both princesses get to unwind (pin the tail on Usain Colt— best idea for Celly to let out her frustration), unlimited cake and punch... everything Pinkie. Honestly:
This is probably how everybody sees Pinkie and they just don't even realize it.
Awesome to see Meadow again. And of course, despite his indifference and love of tormenting the unbirthday tulpa, Discord still provided some laughs.
Awesome chapter. Can't wait for the next one!
I can't help but think that if the conversation with Pinkie continued, Moondog would come to the conclusion that Pinkie is a dream construct that gained true substance in the material world and promptly forgot she was a dream construct, but not dream techniques for manipulating the world...but did forget they only worked in dreams and so they never stopped working.
It would explain a lot...if not the "how".
10497494
Wouldn't be the first time Pinkie Pie was an imaginary pony brought into reality.
10497494
I trust you've read the Petriculture Cycle?
10497625
That I have.
Bold assumption there.
The question to ask there is 'Why can you do it now?" Because it could jut be a confluence of other events... or it could be something far stranger in the deeper mysteries of Pink.
I do love seeing Pinkie disturb Discord.
Oh, that's where Sunset got it.
Well, I suppose that technically speaking, the following conquest of Equestria wasn't really his, given how badly the plan went off the rails...
Dream silliness + Pinkie silliness = Practical mundanity. That makes a terrifying amount of sense, assuming I'm parsing all the negatives correctly.
Without question. She needs her recharge periods, but with them, she can bring the world into an era of unparalleled cooperation and peace.
Brilliant unbirthday party. And remember, never underestimate the Pink One.
I wonder who that could be?
Well, they are sisters, after all.
That does raise a question, though. When is Moondog’s birthday? Is it the day Luna first made her? Or is it when she first thought for herself and said “Hi, mom!” and about gave Lulu a heart attack? (Thankfully, dream hearts are more resilient than physical ones...)
.....He has a point.
Heh. Adorable chapter, as usual.:D
10497942
If you have phenomenal powers, why the hell would you not use them for mundane things? Telekinesis for example, sure it's an amazing superpower, but it's also amazing for when you want to get something that you can't reach with your arms, or you want to carry more things than you really can in your arms.
The Pink One looked once into the Partyless Void, long ago in her youth. And the Void gazed back into her, and was overcome with great fear, and fled the wrath of the Pink One.
All hail the Pink One
It's good to know even Moondog can't figure out Pinkie Pie.
This is an amazing story
Is this part of some disaster rating system and is she above or below "And then, Scootaloo"?
I like this phrasing.
btw
fazed
Great chapter as always. I feel like I'm not getting the punchline in the ending though. What was moondog supposedly unaware of?
Uh oh, Pinkie was making perfect sense. Why is she making perfect sense? There must be a glitch in our sub-processing nodes...
Hooray Pinkie!
10498567
Many things, including the Rule of Pink.
Thanks for a great lecture, Professor Pinkie. I was wondeing if maybe you could share your notes, I could not hear much over those two buffoons.
Silly, I don't have any notes! And don't worry, I could not hear myself over them either. See you at the test tomorrow!
Moondog need a patch to handle the future unexpected Pink Encounter. Maybe Sci-Twi can help with the code?
10498687
That path leads to madness.
10498687
Wow! An here I thought you would have LIKED Sci-Twi! NOBODY understands Pinkie Pie! Did you forget that Twilight went LITERALLY insane trying to understand Pinkie Pie? I mean Discord is probably the one who can get it the closest, since he is all about Chaos, but even HE cannot fully explain that which is Pinkie Pie.
10497942
I think Celly's point was more that, sure it's good to use your powers, but it's not good to ALWAYS use them for EVERYTHING. Like sure, Starlight COULD just go flying around everywhere, but she doesn't. Unicorns COULD just use Telekinesis for everything, but they don't.
Then again most creatures are limited by the problems of having a physical body and an image to maintain.
10499550
Well, I recognize Sci-Twi as one of the accomplished scientist around who also proficient in programming. (not many scientists are good programmers) And another reason was that I kinda hope the insanity would have drive Midnight (who is over-obsessed in learning the unknown) to self-destruct in the process.
God I LOVE this fracking story.
They know XD
God I love party horse
10498321
Or when you need to scratch that spot on your back that you just can't reach.
There are people who will throw a kegger because it’s Tuesday. An unbirthday party in the real world for a theoretical entity isn’t that much of a stretch.
Oh, this was wonderful. You write reality-distorting entities VERY well!
10498687
They already handle it pretty well, I think. Detecting a problem, throwing an exception and catching it grecefully. That is way better than crashing indeterministically with a potential risk of damaging critical data. And I don't think Moondog has any backups, so much of their data is pretty darn critical!
Awesome update and great story. Looking forward to reading more.
And we all know that future twilight main was basically just a colour swap of Celestia
10502381
Well imagine stretching the spine by pulling each vertebrae individually ^^
Pinkie Pie logic: It allows Pinkie Pie to obtain materials out of nowhere to do whatever she wants. Never underestimate the power of the great pink pony.
10497350
Explain
10522383
Their reading comprehension left something to be desired, so I went on a diatribe about literacy rates. Apparently, neither whoever reported me nor the mod who saw the report could figure out the connection between those two things.
I'mma just steal this brilliant line, thank you...
So that was a lie
Okay, that's pretty funny.
Is it scary that this makes sense?
There's something delightful in Meadow initially being intimidated by the godlike beings around her, only to intimidate two of them into disappearing. Great chapter!