Pony_Flix
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Not bad for a first story. I would recommend making the sex scene a little longer but other than that good job.
9412362
Thanks man!
Eh... Queen Chrysalis doesn’t seem like herself in this situation. It feels like the story would’ve made more sense if it was a royal guard and Princess Celestia with the only thing not making sense in that scenario being the long tongue and the short intro about living in the caves of the changeling lands.
If Chrysalis wanted sex, or and heir, and her guard denied her, she would remind him of his place below her or tell him that it’s his duty to serve her. That’s who Chrysalis is, she gets what she wants, and if she doesn’t, she takes it.
On the other hand, if it were Celestia, it would make more sense that she wouldn’t want to force this on her guard because she is kind and caring. She would want to talk about an heir in private so her little ponies wouldn’t think she’s leaving them or maybe because it just wouldn’t be proper to discuss it in public whereas Chrysalis likely wouldn’t care at all.
Aside from that, it’s a good first story.
I didn’t see many errors that popped out at me aside from saying mam instead of ma’am and the “what happened just sex?” I’m sure there’s more but those were the ones I noticed without going through the story word for word.
It was really fast paced having the guard go from solid resistance from Chrysalis’ insinuated multiple “attempts” to caving in with little effort.
As Loufalou already said, the actual clop was pretty short.
You also don’t need to have him talk like this and her talk like this to differentiate who’s speaking. 99% of the people reading will know who’s talking if it isn’t just a mess of speaking. Leave the bold for when someone is YELLING and the italics to when someone is emphasizing something.
9413312
That is actually really good advice, thanks man. I'll keep everything in mind when writing my next one