Chapter 6: Out And About
Bon voyage! Arrivederci! So long ponies, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!
...This was about all I'd mastered from numerous wasted years of foreign language , which I mostly ignored by destroying poorly-made structures by catapulting misshaped birds onto them. A cunning linguist, I was not.
I also apologise for my bafflingly inappropriate humour, at a time when I'm running flying for my very life. Well, not quite, but considering what being stuck in a cage for possibly all of eternity next to Mr 'Personality' Tirek feels like, I think it's an accurate enough comparison.
In any case, what with this apparently being Tartarus's first ever attempted breakout, the inept military goons stationed here are noticeably unprepared for my little outdoor excursion. In other words, Alcatraz this ain't.
I heard lots of stumbling and bumbling around me as I soared unstoppably towards the exit, a few muffled profanities ('gosh', 'darn', and 'heck'... wash your mouths out, ponies!) and the occasional snore from a slumbering triple-headed canine. Hey, at least Cerberus seems to have mastered the art of sleep! Sucks to be you, Tirek!
Basically, it was plain sailing all the way, aside from one minor facet I'd overlooked: My new wings.
Ya see, when I'd confidently predicted earlier that I was already a professional aeronaut, I'd forgotten a tiny wee thing. I'll save you the suspense... it was called 'landing'.
Oops... I silently mouthed to myself, as it slowly dawned on me whilst recklessly speeding through the subterranean depths that the new additions to my anatomy weren't simply like learning to drive a new car.
Not that my unemployment cheques can even afford that luxury. Let's just say, when the bus timetable gets updated every morning, I'm there with bells on.
Unfortunate, at this specific moment in time I couldn't even get my brakes on. Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated incident, a small suspicious pinkish individual with sausage rolls for hair was sighted impacting the rock face next to the exit at heightened velocity.
One chipped tooth and aggravated head injury later, she began to see the wisdom of having flight tuition after all.
Too little, too late. Yowchie.
..........................................................
"Hey, are you alright?" It was as I opened my eyes after my latest debilitating collision (how come other cartoon characters can get away with nary a scratch during their suicidal escapades? Looney Tunes, you lied to me!) that a most beauteous vision did greet my bloodshot eyes.
You might think I was referring to the regal form of Queen Novo, inexplicably here in the flesh and leaning sympathetically over my prostrate form. On four legs for a change and with a concerned expression upon her royal features, she seemed just as majestically enchanting as she did in the movie I kidnapped my only niece to see opening day about a year ago.
(What gave the game away was my endless cheering throughout and her look of utter boredom. She's more into a show which involves a ladybug trying to shag a cat, or something. I dunno, kids today.)
Anyway, if you think the widening grin slowly enveloping my face has anything to do with the newly arrived dignitary, you're somewhat mistaken. Sure, I could tick Novo off my potential list of 'things I've seen and done' in Equestria later, but the actual cause for my growing jubilation was more related to the large chasm of daylight seeping out behind her.
"Whoopee!" I shouted, unable to believe my outrageously good fortune. Departing through the magically protected double-doors was to have been my only real test before leaving this stinkin' place. And now, thanks to the convenient visit of a secondary supporting character, I wouldn't even have to try and 'wing' it at all!
(A little harmless pegasi humour there, folks. Now that I'm a member of the species temporarily, I might as well acclimatise myself to aspects of their culture. This includes bad gags, FYI. Deal with it.)
I did feel a bit guilty at taking advantage of Novo's kindness in such a cynical way, but the Tartarus guards' idiocy couldn't last forever, and soon they'd be out for my blood. Which would be fine, except it was currently also my blood, and until I'm back in my proper pre-equine body I'd like to keep it, thank-you-very-much.
So it was, against a backdrop of the underwater Queen's selfless benevolence and her accompanying entourage wandering in behind her, that I took my chance before the doors fully shut... probably giving her a sore muzzle in the process as I knocking her down en route.
"I'm fine! Ciao!!" were my only spoken words as I quickly gathered my wits, before shooting like a rat up a drainpipe just as the last of Novo's subjects stepped through the rapidly closing portal.
On account of my minuscule size, I still barely squeaked through, possibly losing a few feathers in the process. Never mind... there was plenty more plumage where they came from, and considering how bashed-up the rest of Cozy felt since my unexpected entry into this world, I'd say I got off pretty lightly.
I detected the grating sound of a strangely familiar child's scream behind me as the doors slammed with a satisfying thunk, but I didn't stay too long to ponder that.
After all, I was finally free! I could do whatever I wanted! The entirety of Equestria was there, laid out before me like a delicious banquet, ripe for the taking! This was truly every bronies dream come true!
But as my exhausted carcass scanned the vividly coloured landscape around me in earnest, there was only one clear thought in my head.
For once, it didn't involve me pummelling a not-so-sweet filly into various stages of pulp. That will come later, dear reader. Don't worry, I'll attach a 'graphic' tag for all of you faint-of-hearts out there.
No, this was an even more disturbing feeling. A truly horrifying sensation which chilled me to my very soul, but there was no getting around it. I couldn't deny, ignore or put it off any longer.
I was going to have to empty my bladder.
"Uh, can anypony tell me where the nearest bathroom is, please? And... what the hell do I do then?!"
............................
"W-Who was that young pegasus that bruised my nose, when I was only showing worry for her well-being?" Queen Novo shook her head in bewilderment, as one of her personal servants tied a bandage securely around the injured royal schnoz.
"Don't you listen to anything I tell you, mother?" Now that Skystar had stopped screeching like a banshee, she narrowed her eyes in annoyance at the older sea pony's naive question. "That was Cozy Glow escaping! You know, the one who nearly sucked the magical energy dry from every creature? How could you not know this?! Don't you read the papers?"
"That was Cozy Glow?!" Novo ushered the attendant away now that her job was done, to stare at the princess in astonishment. "B-But she looked so innocent! In my defence dear, you do talk far more than anypony else I know. If I fully registered half of what you chatter about, my brain might just explode from all the pressure."
"What do you mea... you know what, it doesn't matter right now." Skystar bit her tongue, deciding that right now there were more pressing matters to concentrate on. "At least now you see how Cozy was able to fool everypony, with that cute, 'gee shucks' face all of they all fell in love with. Right now, we should alert the guards, and..."
"W-We're here, we're here. Just give us a minute." A tired Iron Clad at last poked his head around the corner, accompanied by nearly the whole soldier population stationed there. "We're awfully sorry for all this trouble today, Queen Novo. Your first royal tour of the dryland, and you arrive in the middle of a major incident. You didn't have to add Tartarus to your schedule of places to see, though. There's not much here, unless you like dastardly criminals, mystical monsters and stone-cold gruel for almost every meal..."
"When I said I wanted to see all of Equestria above the waves, I meant it." Queen Novo gave Iron Clad the same withering look as Twilight experienced when the alicorn had tried to steal her precious pearl, which shut him up almost immediately. "Now, I suppose you 'crack troops' will be wanting to know the location of a Miss Cozy Glow, who we happened to acquaint ourselves with upon entering using the magical jewel provided to us earlier."
"Y-Yes! Yes we do!!" Iron Clad suddenly started glancing around excitedly, as if the filly fugitive felon could actually be located nearby. "If you could help us recapture her, it would surely improve relations between sea ponies and land ponies even more than they are now!"
"Well, I recognised her straightaway of course as she flew on by, and we did our very best to detain her." Novo stated mournfully, fluttering her eyelids for maximum effect. "But she was far too shrewd and quick for us, and she got out through the doors just before we could stop her. She even seriously wounded me in my muzzle whilst violently resisting arrest, an atrocity which I'm sure is arguable grounds to add on a few more years to her already hefty sentence, when you inevitably track her down. At least, I presume that will be the case?"
"D-Definitely! Whatever you say, Queen Novo! Now if you'll excuse us, we have to roundup the runaway as soon as possible!" Iron Clad and his company of stallions nervously bowed as they reopened the exit using their own magical key, each one helplessly wondering if they'd be on potato-peeling duty for the remainder of their service when Celestia caught wind of their buffoonery.
At least, if they got to keep their testicles in a glass jar later, it shouldn't be too bad... right?
As the guards sped off after their tricky quarry and the room was clear of everypony besides the new arrivals, Skystar turned to the Queen in abject shock. "Mother! It's not like you at all to flat-out lie like that! Besides you fibbing about how Cozy got away, you barely even have a scratch on your nose! Why didn't you tell him the truth?"
"My darling, as you are nurtured into the role of my successor, one thing you will learn is that if you wish to preserve peace, sometimes a little white lie now and then is a necessary evil." Novo said defiantly, with the ghost of a knowing smirk. "Also, did you really think I'd let that monster Cozy Glow get away with almost bleeding everypony dry of magic? A bit more time in prison will do that rapscallion the world of good, if she's so set in her ways she's making escape attempts already. Now Skystar, show we proceed?"
"Mother, what are you doing? Under these circumstances, don't you think it'd be a better idea if we came back later, and..."
"Nonsense, child! I didn't leave the comfort of the ocean bed and travel all this way for my plans to be halted by a dangerous criminal on the loose! I want to stroke the Manticore, stare at the Basilisk, and perhaps have a few words with this 'Tirek' fellow I've heard so much about. And if he's asleep when we get there, we can just wake him up. I'm sure he won't mind!"
Welp, here's the long-awaited(?) next chapter to this ongoing saga. Hopefully, February will prove to be less of a hectic month than January, so the next one will arrive in short order. Let's see, anyway. Bye for now! 
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Novo is a self-entitled bitch.
But then again she is royalty so, meh.
Keep up the good work.
9443993
She's just excited to see the 'wonders' of Tartarus, that's all. Who cares about the medium-to-high risk of getting your hoof bitten off or turned to stone? It's all worth it, for a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
He'd best find a place to hide, cut and dye his mane and tail, and cover up his cutiemark ala starlight. otherwise he'll be easy to find.
9444030
I'm sure he/she will have to resort to something like that, to avoid the hoards that'll surely be on their tail.
9444222
Yeah, but falling back on that all the time just removes any investment in the character, because if it's just going to be one self-sabotage after another then why bother?
I certainly like the premise and the quality of the writing is pretty good from what I've seen. It's just there are so many ways he could help himself when it comes to getting his story out that he'll practically need an idiot ball to make sure the story doesn't end super quickly. Still, good luck with your story!
9444233
As he carries on in the story, he might just make less 'mistakes' and become a bit more reliable, but this remains to be seen. In terms of investment in his character, well yes that is part of the plot, but it's also a wacky comedy too. I'm not going to be able to please everyone, but in terms of what I've written so far and what I'll write in the future, I hope people will stick around to see what I've got planned...
HA BATSHIT INSANE
Heh, I wonder if Novo is going to be a reoccurring character, just because -- like that guy with the cabbage cart.
Yay!!! Very entertaining! :)
Yeehaw.
9444402
The old adage 'wait and see' has never been more accurate...
9444428
That's what us authors like to hear.
I'm assuming the rest of the story will go like this: "Protagonist has a chance to actually do something reasonable, but chooses nit to or otherwise screws up, making things worse. Repeatedly." Honestly if nothung us going to happen or make an effect then why write it out? It could much more easily be conveyed with "And then they languished in prison, forever failing to get their life back, the end."
Novo was suceeded by Skystar later that day.
9444607
They are literally out of Tartarus what the heck story are YOU reading?
9443997
I like Queen Novo more than a few other princesses and even if it sounds like that I don't mean all four of them^^
Not sure how much I enjoy it or not, but him further ruining the situations for himself and being that "funny/stupid" type of main char, goes into a differnt direction than I thought it would.
Wait... Skystar never went to Twilight’s school. Is was the Queen’s niece silver stream. I think you mixed them up.
So...hes not making a good case that he isn't cozy glow
Hmm... hyppogrifs are front-bird ponybutts, right?
So, Nuvo should have a beak, no?
Please add a "human" tag to your story.
9502925
Bull shit, it has been proven time and again that that is not true, yes children are sociopaths everyone is to a point, but hitting them is not the way trust me hitting kids does the opposite. I had two parents one taught me compassion and all that without ever hitting me and the other one taught me that sometimes you have to beat up your parent becouse there stupid sacks of shit that obviously can't be taught anymore. I mean he is an absolute idiot and him crying at his mother's funeral was the reason I abandoned him. I mean he only told me terrible things about that old witch, mostly how she beat him with a switch and he had the audacity to cry when she died, I assumed he was just a sociopath that could kill us all one day and not care, that I could respect at some level but when he cried at that woman's death I knew the truth. He was just a broken sad individual who wasn't worth the time it took to hate him so I cut him out of my life and only think of him when I joyously plan the speech I will say at his funeral. My point before I went on a bit of a personal tangent is that NO hitting kids are not an answer, in fact, it does the exact opposite mostly due to the mirror neurons in their brain.
9503482
Well there is a difference is some little kids need the lesson beat into them. Mostly entitled kids that try and steal wheelchairs from handicapped people
9505289
Beating them is still not an option, it only makes them worse later in life. Besides social scientists say that no matter what the punishment is it teaches the same lesson. It doesn't matter if the punishment is literally stripping off the skin of prisoners or taking away a few privileges, the mind processes it the same way and any crueler punishments are ineffective.
9506213
I just know what I was raised by the belt. So I just know that works and its no guarantee that sitting in a corner for 30minutes will help either
9445246
The edit button will soon make that right. Huzzah!
9453609
Alrighty then.
9447089
I'll take your word for it...
9444869
What a twist!
Updates?
This guy and me R in the same boat: we both hate Cozy Glow. BTW, if you're interested, U should check out my story I wrote w/the little psycho in it. It's called "Cozy Glow Meets the Boogeymare." I actually got the idea 4 the story from a horror game called "Boogeyman," so I incorporated elements from the game into the story.
more would be a wonderful idea
9645140
Definitely soon.
9645156
let me know if oyu need any help
More please
So, when's 'Cozy' going to run into her possible relative, Spur?
I like this story. There are not many stories where bronies become female villains. Definitely can’t wait for more.
I like Cozy Glow. *reads, thumbs up, favs, and tracks anyway* Keep this story going.
Any updates soon?
Bahaha, I can relate! My neices and nephews are all into talking abomination puppies and a random 12-year-old kid that somehow are trusted to save a town full of idiotic adults.
I did a review on it.
It was not favorable.
9892630
Update?
So, will "Cozy" try living a normal life? Or will (s)he go to Twilight to try to fix the mess?
Forget plot armor, this is plot armor with bonus sword!
10714378
I like people who leave reviews at the end of every chapter. You get a good sense of what spots they enjoy the most, what criticisms they have for specific parts etc. For you, I get the feeling that this 'plot armour' is a big issue (yes, we spell it differently here in good ol' Blighty). I can't say I fully understand the trope, but I do know the show itself makes plenty of use of it. So at least my fic is influenced using the right media, but hopefully not to the extent that it makes the whole story unbelievable. Well, as far-fetched as a fic can be about an MLP fan getting stuck in the body of a nine year old filly on the programme they worship, anyway.
Looking forward to seeing what you think of the rest.
10714382
Yes. At least you're still in the "technically believable" zone. Other times people have everyone be Pinkie levels of prepared for no reason and it just gets boring. Not everyone has stashes of contraception in case of foal emergencies! 😂