• Published 8th Nov 2018
  • 10,758 Views, 552 Comments

My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly - deadpansnarker



A Cozy Glow-hating brony is fooled by the nefarious filly herself into switching bodies, now he's the one locked in Tartarus while she's causing havoc in his world. Uh-oh. Also, nopony believes him... because he's Cozy Glow. Makes perfect sense.

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Chapter 8: Where's Luna When You Need Her?

This was finally it. The big night! The culmination of all my pitiful hopes and dreams. The moment we’ve all been waiting for!

Well, me at least. Who cares about the rest of you? Shove off, if you’re jealous or something.

At long last, all those mind-numbingly tedious hours on the phone pretending to be interested in Billy Irish, or expensive dinners out at three star restaurants when she just had to order a dessert (unlike me, it never showed on her oh-so perfect figure… bad metabolism sucks don’t it) looked like paying off.

It’s about freakin’ time, is all I can say.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those shallow guys who just wants to ravish her every perfect curve like a melting popsicle then subtly hint we should ‘see other people’ the second it’s all over.

I’m in this stretch for the long run, dudes. This girl has a bangin’ brain to match her supermodel bod, and I fully intend to worship both.

She can take me out of my comfort zone. Help me explore the mysteries of life. Support me financially if this whole ‘job hunt’ thing doesn’t quite pan out…

Whatever. As you can probably tell by now, I’m not exactly the brightest, maturest or most attractive chap around. (Understatement of the year I know, hardy har-har)

But for whatever cosmic reason, she chose me. I didn’t have to bribe, beg or even jump in front of a moving car, she accepted on the first occasion I asked her out and it’s been pretty much nirvana ever since.

(As long as it doesn’t end in her having me ‘bumped off’ then framed as a suicide, that is. Yes, I’m a crazy conspiracy theorist alongside my other ‘attractive’ qualities.)

She hears me when I tell her about my various battles with weight and depression. She understands when I inform her of the toxic influence my dysfunctional family has had on my life. She even accepts my stanning of a children’s cartoon which features colourful talking horses as the main characters! Isn’t she just the greatest, guys?

Plus, as an added bonus, it’s saved me a fortune in therapy bills!

Okay, so however much I try to improve myself, I’ll probably always be kind of a jerk. But not to this goddess. I’m gonna treat her right, you’ll see. If anyone can redeem the sorry sack o’sh*t I’ve let myself become, it’s my girl…

And right now, she’s about to give it all to me. Literally.

I lay on top of the bed in my plain white boxers, like a beached whale waiting for the bait.

She has her back turned, but slowly strips off her cashmere sweater and peels off those tight chinos I love so much. Alert: she’s not wearing any form of brassiere. Oh my.

“That’s it baby, you know how I like it. Turned on, with the lights off.” (Said by yours truly like a total stud.)

“Close your eyes then, my mighty, bearded Viking conqueror.” (It’s her pet name for me. Shut up.)

“Whatever the lady wants, the lady gets. After a hard day’s pillaging and wenching, I can think of nothing I’d like more. (Pretty cringe, but it’s our ‘thing’ ya know?)

“Oh I see! So you value riches more than I, is that it? And those other girls you forced yourself on, how did they compare to me? (Yes it’s twisted, but this is a private fantasy remember? You’re lucky to be eavesdropping, so pipe down!)

“No precious gem sparkles as much as thy’s beauty, nor gold could ever buy yonder’s virtue. As for the totty, compared to you they were like, totally mingin’.” (Shakespeare, thou hath a new rival. And his name is Nigel Perkins.)

“Oh, darling! Never ever have I heard such poetic prose spoken from one so devilishly handsome! I shall now cement our blessed union by giving my womanhood to you with pleasure, but keep those peepers shut ‘til I’m ready…” (Easier said than done, missy. This would be a pretty inconvenient time for a heart attack, right?)

Now that the verbal foreplay is finally out of the way, we can at last enjoy the Main Event.

No popcorn vendors or elephants on unicycles here though folks, just sweet, sweet lovemaking and maybe a family-size pack of Tangy Cheese Doritos afterwards to seal the deal.

Last of the great romantics, that’s me.

I feel her lithe form slowly lower itself onto my much sturdier frame, and I can tell by the lack of coarse fabric on my skin she ain’t got a stitch on. Holy Guacamole.

“That’s it. You can look now. I’m all here, and I’m all yours. Come and get me, you irresistible studmuffin!”

I don’t need to be told twice. I’m already ‘standing to attention’ in one department, all I need to do now is open my eyes, titillate myself with the bountiful wonders on offer then put in the best damn performance of anything in my so far dead-end existence….

“Why howdy-doo to you again, friend!”

WWWWW-hhaatt?!

I stare in horror at the most revolting sight I’ve ever borne witness to. And for someone coerced to go on a school trip to see how sausages are made at the meat factory (twice) this is undoubtedly some accomplishment.

The sexy, flawless figure of my darling sweetheart au naturale is completely ruined by the chuckling pinkish horsehead from the neck upwards. The curly blue hair and obnoxious freckles complete the horrifying image, and as I slowly back away making the sign of the cross the creature begins straddling me whilst communicating in those saccharine tones I’ve learned to despise so much.

“Oh dear, did I interrupt Little Nigey’s playtime with the nice lady? Don’t worry your pretty pegasus posterior about it, fatty. I’ll be sure to take good care of her and the rest of your family, while you’re away in Equestria having fun as lil ol’ moi! In fact, let’s make it a permanent arrangement! I always hated being treated like a kid… at least in this deficient form, as overweight and stupid as it is, everyone listens to you! Besides, by the time I’m finished with you, you’d barely even recognise yourself! You’re welcome!!”

I want to shout back at the top of my lungs, I really do.

I want to scream that as miserable as my life was, she had no right to just steal it like that, especially as it looked to be on an uphill swing before her wormhole-creating shenanigans.

I want to yell that if she touches one hair on my loved ones’ heads, I’d turn her into the ugliest plushie ever. And start spoon-feeding her with fluff while still alive.

I want to inform her that if she’s thinking of using my credit card, there’s precisely zero funds on there (as usual) so whatever grande scheme she has to enslave humanity, it’d better be for free! Arf arf.

But I do none of those things. I simply gaze at the horrifying spectre in terror, as a single loose teardrop runs lazily down my cheek. Meanwhile, the grotesque hybrid has more to enunciate.

“Aawww, baby gonna cry? Not so nice when everypony treats you like a filly is it, even when you’re so much smarter than them? Well get used to it, friend. I intend to stick around here for a good while yet, like let’s say… a lifetime’s worth. What have you got to complain about, anyway? I’ve given you a great gift for nothing: your youth back! You just have four legs, wings and are much shorter as a trade-off. Oh, and you’re a girl now. Hope that doesn’t inconvenience you a lot! Now, I have to bid you farewell, for I have many devious plans and schemes that won’t wait a millisecond longer. So anyway… aren’t you gonna kiss me goodbye? For old time’s sake? Come on big boy, pucker up! You know you want to…!”

I couldn’t think of anything I’d ‘want’ less. Then, as those terrifying pale lips descended on me from high, and my paralysed form desperately tried to dodge out of the way, I instinctively called out the single word I thought I’d never hear myself say in a kazillion years.

Mummy!!”

………………………….

“Mummy’s here, darling! Don’t fret, we’ll look after you and make sure nothing bad happens to your sweet self from now on.”

“Windy, don’t confuse the filly while she’s resting! You’re not her mother, and while I agree we should help her out, I’m sure she has parents of her own who can fill that role.”

“B-But Bow, just look at her! Dirty plumage, skinny belly, head covered in lumps and bumps from even before her accident earlier… what kind of mum and dad would let their child get in this state?”

“I don’t know, dear… but that’s what I intend to find out. As soon as we arrive at the School Of Friendship in about an hour, we’ll discuss this matter with Twilight and see what can be done. As well as get her a decent meal and those wounds bandaged, of course.”

“Now, that’s the stallion I married! And if she really is all on her own, or her parents are unable to fulfil their obligation of care, d’ya think…”

Whoa, steady on there Windy! That’s another discussion for another time. Right now we should just make sure she’s safe and well, everything else is secondary. But I must admit, the thought did cross my mind briefly...”

H-Huh? Consciousness returned to me in various phases, and the first thing I noticed upon fully awakening was being carried by something soft and feathery.

Still bleary-eyed like recovering from the worst hangover ever (that would be the third movie) I copped a snoop at the identity of my rescuers whilst still pretending to be asleep…

That’s when everything came flooding back.

Great. No sooner have I worked out the last of Tartarus’s gruel from my overactive digestive system and learned how to use my new ‘equipment’, now I get abducted and am forced to hitch a ride with arguably the most irritating members of the Main 6’s family. And yes, I do include Zephyr B. in that equation. The only silver lining here is they don’t seem to recognise me. They better not start acting all ‘supportive’ and start screeching my ears off with praise, or I’ll give them such a tongue-lashing that even Rainbow’s locker room lecture will look like a mild retort by comparison. As for adopting me, they can forget it. I already have two pairs of infuriating parents, another set would possibly tip me over the edge. Here’s the plan: I’ll wait ‘til I’m safely near Twilight’s school, then give ‘em the slip and go to her office alone. Then, after I’ve explained everything to her, I’m sure that as unlikely as my tale sounds she’ll come around to my way of thinking. Next, she can open a portal to Earth, from which she can drag Cozy’s scrawny neck back here, then I can return to explain to my girlfriend why I’ve been acting so weird lately… what could possibly go wron...

Halt!!”

Suddenly, I felt my carrier come to an abrupt stop as an exhausted voice shouted in the distance. Still faking my being knocked out, I had no idea who it was… but the voice seemed oddly familiar.

“We’re looking for an escaped fugitive, and are asking anypony who passes: have you seen her?” The tired yet determined voice was still quite far away, but getting closer with every moment.

Ulp. That’s where I know it from. It was the Captain Of The Guard at Tartarus, the one who didn’t exactly take a shine to me upon first arrival (and looking like this, can you blame him?)

I thought at the time he was no more than an inept doo-doo head, the kind who only got to where he was through special ‘connections’ or lack of better candidates.

Turns out, I was completely wrong. To track me all the way down here, and to gallop so fast at his advanced age to find me… that takes some real endurance and guts.

Shame my appreciation of him isn’t going to cut any slack with the judge once I’m back behind bars (probably for good this time).

I’m well and truly busted.

Author's Note:

I'm going back-and-forth a bit with this scenario, but essentially I'm just trying to frame the guy's old life with what he's going through now. He's still a bit of a klutz, but don't worry: he does get better! Slowly...

Anyway, thanks for all the support. And unlike with Bow and Windy, it can never become too much. Until next time then... :coolphoto: