My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly

by deadpansnarker

Chapter 16: Yakking Away

Have you ever heard the expression ‘Size matters’ before?

Well, I’m here today to tell you, based on first-hoof evidence: it does.

Particularly if one minute you’re a wee hellion of a pegasus hovering inches off the ground…

Suddenly transposed into a GIGANTIC shaggy monster whose every step shook the floor she walked on as if an earthquake was looming.

Yep, the pronoun there is accurate. I was still a ‘she’, even after escaping the loathsome form of that demented feather duster.

I hate my life, I really do. And that applies even before all this bullshizz happened, when I was in my original body. I wasn’t about to win Mr Universe anytime soon, but at least it was mine.

Now, I didn’t even have that. Yep, the cosmos must truly hate me. Oh Mars, Jupiter, Uranus… what did I ever do to you?!

I let out another huge sigh (probably my millionth since touchdown into Tartarus) and allowed my thoughts to wander back to the present.

Let’s see what we’re dealing with here. Two sharp horns, check. Legs like tree trunks, double check. Huge hairy gut, triple check. Well, at least that’s one facet I share with my former self. Whoopee.

Sarcasm aside, it still felt pretty good to longer be an active member of ‘Child Psychopaths Limited’. Sucks to be Yona right now, though. Speak of the devil (literally, when referring to Cozy Glow)...

I glanced to my left, where the former bovine was slowly adapting to her new digs inside Chez Cozy. Well, ‘adapting’ might be too strong a word: after having a near-meltdown inside Twilight’s office, the alicorn had been forced to take drastic measures and suspend the panicking pegasus with magic until she’d stopped bouncing off the walls.

Get it together, Yona. At least you’re still on your own planet. Also, from a purely selfish perspective, at least I wasn’t the screw up this time. For the culprit behind this latest outbreak of stupidity, look no further than good ol’ reliable Smoulder to our right here. There she is everybody, give her a big hand! Or a hoof. Or claw. Whatever, you know what I mean.

As usual, my unparalleled ability to shirk any responsibility whatever surpassed itself. The fact that none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t teased Cozy and fell for her obvious scheming back on Mother Earth somehow escaped my attention.

Gotta preserve that fragile ego at all costs, dude.

In any case, I couldn’t feel too sorry for the panic-stricken yak and-guilt-ridden dragon. I had to keep my focus on returning home at all costs, for who knows what evils Cozy had perpetrated in my absence. If that execrable equine has changed the carefully chosen puke-green colour scheme in my bedroom, I’ll, I’ll...

“Ahem! ‘Nigel’, if that is your real name, can you hear me? I was just inquiring if everything you just told me is true.”

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Me, Yona and Smoulds are currently stationed in Starlight’s office facing the ire of one Twilight Sparkle, seeing as how the alicorn’s HQ is a little worse for wear right now.

A brief assessment: Papers everywhere, cracked walls, missing floorboards… phew. Some cowboy builder will have a field day ripping her off there.

“It just seems… so unbelievable. Normally I’d dismiss such a fanciful tale off-hoof, but based on the evidence you’ve presented, I have to at least consider…”

Speaking of Starlight, where is she? Probably getting Cozy Glow’s parents so they can have a ‘grand’ reunion. Yay! Won’t they be pleased when they discover a native Yakyakistanian has taken over their daughter? Also, won’t Prince Rutherford be simply ecstatic when he finds out a visitor from another world is now inhabiting one of his dear subjects? And she now talks in proper sentences? ...I predict another war is brewing. Maybe a two-parter?

“Nigel?! Nigel!!” Twilight’s impatience had deteriorated to the point she’d now strode from behind Starlight’s desk, and now stood muzzle-to-muzzle glaring at me. “I swear, if you were one of my students I would’ve failed you terms ago for blatant inattention! Now, you told me you came from a place where the dominant species walk on two legs instead of four, and have close ties to the primate kingdom. And that’s where Cozy Glow abducted you from? Is that right?”

“Y-Yeah. Kinda.” I scratched the back of my dense neck hair sheepishly. You’d think I’d be more excited to meet the Princess Of Friendship herself, but after everything that's happened I was more in a state of shock. Which might explain what I said next. “The closest thing I can compare it to is Equestria Girls, but with a few less garish skin tones. And we don’t spend our entire lives at school going on endless camping trips or having corny ‘Battle Of The Bands’, either. Which I’m quite thankful for, to be honest.”

“Wha… how did you…” Twilight’s eyes nearly popped out of her egghead skull upon hearing that, whilst Yona and Smoulder stopped their perpetual moping to stare at each other in confusion. Oops.

Did I say too much? Wouldn’t be the first time. Still, I’m so close to returning home at this point, what are a few careless words? If anything, that should convince Twilight even more that I am ‘on the level’ when I told her that the entire foundation of her cherished universe is naught but a popular fictional TV show. I mean, even Truman Burbank figured it out eventually! So a smart pony like her should have no trouble with this uncomfortable truth… I hope.

“No matter. Considering the oddness of everything else you’ve told me here today, I suppose knowing about my visits to Canterlot High isn’t the strangest part. Now, as to what I should do next…”

Twilight then put on her infamous ‘deep in thought’ face, as she returned to sit behind Starlight’s desk to brood at leisure. Meanwhile, I glanced back at my two new friends (hopefully, if Yona can forgive me for temporarily pulling an accidental bodysnatch on her) wondering what exactly would happen next.

“Do you think… she’s gonna help me?” I murmured, wanting some concrete reassurance to go along with my blind optimism.

“For your sake I hope so. I just wonder who’s gonna help me, when my parents find out…” Smoulder whispered back, looking just as agitated as when she literally ‘dropped’ us in it earlier.

“Y-Yona no like being bad pony! Small, puny, weak… she bring shame on yak’s good name! Y-Yona want to change back. Now!!” Yona must’ve missed the memo about keeping things quiet, as she ended her sincere plea with a watery yelp before rolling around on the floor bawling her eyes out.

Obviously Twilight couldn’t concentrate with all this tomfoolery going on, so she suspended her soliloquy long enough to address us (well, mostly Yona) in a firm yet friendly voice.

“Yona, please calm down. I told you before… I can’t reverse the effects of magical objects by myself. You have to use the original item for it to work: but it just so happens there’s a nationwide shortage of body-swapping potions right now. I’ve sent instructions to all four corners of Equestria to notify me the second one is located, but for now you’ll have to stay as you are. I really need a moment of silence here. If you can’t settle, maybe you should wait outside? Yes, I think that would be for the best for all three of you. Guards! Smoulder, please look after Yona, will you… and as for you Nigel...”

Uh oh. I don’t like that peeved glance she flashed at me just before I was led out… I thought anxiously, as I was frogmarched to the door alongside a sobbing Yona and a pensive Smoulder. Twilight didn’t look like a pony who was about to jump on board with my plan. And I thought I had such a charming personality, too. I would say it was ‘her loss’, but considering I can’t do anything without her assistance, the onus is on me to convince her I guess. Better hope it turns out okay… oh, hi every other member of the Mane Six.

Yep, the gang's all here. With classes being suspended, and the ‘threat’ being contained, a curious crowd had gathered in the corridor. Mostly made up of the resident students and teachers, they were being held back by a few guards and a thin cordon. Just.

I would’ve gone over to ask Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rarity for their autographs hoofprints, but they’d apparently been debriefed by Rainbow Dash as to my ‘shameful’ manipulation of her parents. Pissed doesn’t even begin to describe how angry they appeared, even cheerful Pinkie looked readier to mash me into cupcakes rather than throw me a delightful ‘Welcome To Equestria!’ party.

(By the way, if you’re planning to look up the meaning of that joke, don’t. You’ll save yourself thousands of pounds in therapy bills and many hours of sleepless nights. Believe me.)

The most awful part was the fact that they must’ve missed the bit where my soul had done a lil switcheroo with Yona’s, so it was her in Cozy’s pinkish shell that was the main target of their undeserved acrimony .

The poor former yak quickly caught onto their disdain, and was now crying so hard that the usually standoffish Smoulder had to step in as Twilight suggested to attempt to placate the innocent creature.

I would give Yona a hug myself, but I don't feel I’m fully in command of this gargantuan body yet. What would happen if I squeezed so hard, her head popped off her neck like a cork from a bottle of champagne? As much as the thought of that happening to Cozy’s grotesque features pleases me, I’ll have to restrain myself until the real Cozy is back where she belongs. Then, it’s a party.

It was just as I was thinking those pleasant thoughts that a cry sounded up from the surrounding throng, as four diminutive figures managed to break through the flimsy barrier, probably on account of their short stature.

That’s right, Yona and Smoulder’s other close acquaintances, the ones I hadn’t been formally introduced to yet, approached us… but wearing looks of concern rather than hostility. Sandbar was the first to speak, as he made his way over to ‘Yona’ (a.k.a me), probably to find out just what the heck is going on.

“What in Equestria is going on?!” See, I was nearly right. “One minute we’re in lessons like normal, next we’re told Cozy Glow has escaped, then the school was in lockdown, and now…”

“...We find you and Smoulder hanging out with her, as if you were bosom buddies!” Gallus was the next to step forward, as the grumpy griffon grimaced at a mollified Smoulder gently cradling a sniffling Yona-in-Cozy-Glow’s-skin within her scaly arms.

‘Um, guys. You know I hate it when we fight. I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this…” Gawd bless Silverstream, always trying to find the positive in the most difficult of circumstances.

“Well if there is, I’d like to hear it.” Ocellus seemed unusually forthright, but I guess for once her natural shyness was overcome by her burgeoning curiosity.

“W-Where do I start…” I mused, forgetting where and who I was momentarily under the intense pressure. “It all began when I was getting ready for a hot date back on Earth, when suddenly this face of unrivalled ugliness and hate came sneering at me from an interdimensional portal hanging over my outdated PC. I really need to get that thing upgraded, Windows XP my arse... what? Why are you all staring at me? What I’m saying makes perfect sense… at least, I think it does.”

Sandbar’s jaw was quivering, and he put a worried hoof on my(?) haunches. “Y-Yona, w-what’s the matter with you?”

Huh?

“You don’t sound like yourself at all. And I bet it’s got something to do with Cozy over there.” Sandbar’s expression turned in a millisecond from worry to anger, and he quickly spun around to face the aforementioned pegasus. “I’m sure she messed up Smoulder’s brain, too. Come on everycreature, let’s ‘have a word’ with her, shall we?”

As even the more placid members of the party agreed with him out of fear for their two friends, and the real Yona seemed seconds away from being lynched by an assortment of her favourite classmates, someone needed to do something.

Someone with tact in reserve.

Someone with diplomacy skills.

Someone who doesn’t boob nearly every time they open their trap.

....

You see anyone like that hanging around here, be sure to let me know, ‘kay?

Author's Note:

Reaching this point after such a long delay feels like climbing a mountain during winter without proper equipment, but I'm slowly getting there.

If there's one thing I've learned from this experience though, it's that I can't multitask to save my life: either all my attention has to be on finishing one story at a time, or I won't end up completing any at all.

So that's what I'm gonna try doing from now on: one project shall be my sole focus until completion, and they'll be no updates to anything else till I've finished with it. And yes, that includes one-shots.

Hopefully, this new outlook will help me in my goal of actually (gasp) concluding a few of the fics I started on this site years ago, as well as keep track of the stories I write without having to read back several chapters just to remember where I left it.

Let's see if it works, and thanks for your patience so far in sticking with this long-running saga.

Comments

[Shadowshame]

As long as it keeps updating there is hope yet

[deadpansnarker]

10797739
Which it will. Honest...

[PhoenixFlambe]

Contrary to popular belief, multitasking is in fact much harder.

[deadpansnarker]

10797787
Not being an expert on the subject, I bow to your superior knowledge. After all, I'm the guy who can only type with one hand...

[Twilight_Shimmer]

Silly question, but couldn't Discord help them? At least maybe switch em back and confirm our heros story?

[deadpansnarker]

10798076
Sounds a bit too easy to me. And you know what Discord's like... sometimes his 'help' is worse than if he hadn't tried at all...

[lordelliott]

So now is when the parents show up to protect their "daughter" right, just to add fuel to the zany drama fire?

[Twilight_Shimmer]

10798100
Fluttersy: "Could you please switch them back for us Discord?"

Discord: "Of course dear Fluttershy!"

XD That's all it would take!

[deadpansnarker]

10798317
Or it could go... "Hmm, think I'll help them in my own 'special' way..."

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

Discord: (In Twilight's body) "Oops, I appeared to have swapped everyone in Equestria by 'accident'. Never mind, as the Lord Of Chaos its what I do best!"

[Twilight_Shimmer]

10798339
I dunno, do you think he would intentionally twist a request from Fluttershy?

[deadpansnarker]

10798372
I meant he might do this even before Fluttershy asked him. You know, ‘take the initiative’ like he did when he pretended to be Grogar. And we all know how that ended...

[LEGION55]

10798417

pretended to be Gragor.

Grogar.

[deadpansnarker]

10798580
Grogar sounds about right. My apologies to evil rams everywhere.

[deadpansnarker]

10798257
As usual, wait and see.

[deadpansnarker]

10798257
Things are only gonna get more dramatic , that’s all I’ll reveal.

[tsaukpaetra]

Oh Twilight, shoving them into the public without prepping their reception is so you. Would it have killed you to just put a silence spell while you go out and explain things? Oh well, let the shenanigans compound!

[DragneelAstarois]

“Nigel?! Nige l!!” Twilight’s impatience had deteriorated to the point she’d now strode from behind Starlight’s desk, and now stood muzzle-to-muzzle glaring at me. “I swear, if you were one of my students I would’ve failed you terms ago for blatant inattention! Now, you told me you came from a place where the dominant species walk on two legs instead of four, and have close ties to the primate kingdom. And that’s where Cozy Glow abducted you from? Is that right?”

Oooh Twily... i can relate, even for me it's upsetting at this point xD