Last Stop: This Town

Sleepy Head was the most quiet stallion in Ponyville. Nopony really knew who he was or, for that matter, really cared. He was simply the awfully quiet earth pony who worked in the post office. Sleepy had been OK with his concealed status for the past five years, but when a calling card from his past arrives at his doorstep, Sleepy must decide to either take responsibility or shirk everything.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 11 )

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TiredPony

TiredPony #1 · Jul 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Oh snap, my first fic on FIM is now up. Set phasers to hug EVERYONE.

deathtap

deathtap #2 · Jul 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Character development was weak. I'll stick around to see how it goes, but you really got to put in a little bit more information in there. It's hard to relate to the main character or his plight as we (the readers) don't know either.

TiredPony

TiredPony #3 · Jul 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Thanks for the comment. I've been writing screenplays for the past four years, so it's been rough getting back into the story format. More will be explained. I think I left it off at an odd point. So, kudos for constructive criticism.

Church

Church #4 · Jul 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE AN EELS FAN! TELL ME!?

I'll read the story now. Sorry for the outburst.

*edit*- The writing is pretty good. Occasional errors, but easily fixable if you read back through. As deathtap said, the character development was... actually, I want to say vague. Everything seemed very vague. I don't know much about the main character after reading it, other than his relationship with his siblings and parents was dodgy when he was younger and now he lives in Ponyville.

I'll keep up with the story as well, as I have no idea what it will be about.

TiredPony

TiredPony #5 · Jul 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Dear Church,

I am.

- Tired Pony

P.S. You Rock My World

TiredPony

TiredPony #6 · Aug 1st, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

1005247

Vague was what I was going for. I want this story to unwrap bit by bit. I can imagine how annoying that may be when these chapters are only updated every day or so. Kind of like cliffhangers for drama, without the inherent danger. I promise my best to try and make this all make sense in the end. I really do.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy chapter 2.

Church

Church #7 · Aug 1st, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Righto.

The set up you've created in the story is interesting. I don't think I've really seen something like it before. Kinda cool.

That being said, would you ever consider getting a proof reader? I see simple grammatical errors from time to time, once again easily fixable. It is never enough to really bother anybody at all (well... maybe it is), but still.

And we get to learn a bit more about Sleepy Head. Silly siblings, don't they know that bulky, big rimmed glasses are what's in with athletes today? He's ushered in a new era!

Also, I don't know how ponies play baseball unless they're unicorns. And 20 mid-court shots in a single game of basketball is a ridiculous statistic, even for three point shots or jumpers alone. Magic, I guess? Pegasi could cheat easily in the game of basketball, too, even though Three Pointer isn't one.

TiredPony

TiredPony #8 · Aug 1st, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

1011664

See, those sports questions had bothered me as well. But then I remembered we're writing stories about ponies who talk and break the fourth wall on occasion. So, let's just say Three Pointer is just blessed by the spirit of Wilt Chambercolt and for the sake of argument, earth ponies use some kind of grip glove on their hooves to hold bats. I have no problem believing that they can use mitts.

I probably base too many assumptions on fan art, now that I think about it.

As far as grammar goes, I really think I'm going to try and pump this all out before I go back and look at stuff. I know that's like, the laziest thing ever, but I'd rather have all of it in front of me before I go back. Just incase I mess some kind of continuity up.

TiredPony