Chapter 1

Author's Note:

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

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ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publishing company. It's also now available at Amazon, Inkitt.com and BarnesandNoble

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https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963

Above is a link to amazon for my book

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966

Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book

https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898 https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898

Above is a link to Xilbris for my book

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373

Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/

Above is a link to my Linkedin account

https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/

Above is a link to my Tumblr account

https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90

Above is a link to my facebook account

https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2

Above is a link to my Patreon account

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If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

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Music is a parody of Kimmy Schmidt's 'Unbreakable'.

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If you want the uncensored version, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?

Love me, flame me, review me

To Kidnap a Pony

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

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Twilight Sparkle snuggled with her Smarty pants doll happily on her bed, today had been great! She'd gotten her cutie mark AND become Celestia's personal student, THIS WAS THE BEST DAY EVER!

Cue the interdimensional, giant claw reaching from the void to snatch her...

"I TAKE THAT BACK! WORST DAY EVER! WORST DAY EVER" She screamed...

...Meanwhile...

"Big Mac! Granny! Help me!" Screamed a frightened filly named Applejack as she was 'snatched' from her farm...

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"MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I DIDN'T MAKE THOSE CLOTHES FOR THE SCHOOL PLAY IN TIME!" Screamed a filly named Rarity...

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Fluttershy said nothing...she'd already fainted dead away at the sight of the claw...

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"HA! EAT IT SLOWPOKES! NOTHING IS FASTER THEN ME!" Shouts Rainbow Dash as she out flies dozens of claws popping out of cracks in the sky trying to grab her. Rainbow laughs as she turns around to let out a large razzberry at them-

GAH!

Only to run right into another claw...

"Aw, man!" Shouts Rainbow annoyed as she's snatched away.

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Pinkie sighed, "Alright, if it means moving the plot along..." She said reluctantly to a confused claw right before she jumped into the rip willingly...

The claw scratched itself confused...shrugged...and retracted itself...it's work apparently done...

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The six fillies shivered in fright inside the cage, 'Where were they? Why were they here? When could they go home? And WHAT was this odd creature standing before them?'

Said creature laughed, "FINALLY! I have ponies to be my friends! Were gonna be like sisters! And we'll be together forever!"

"Mable what are you doing down here?"

An 8 year old Mable Pines turned to her twin brother Dipper as he descended the basement stairs, "Mable did you take that magic book I bought from the new weird store that naturally vanished after I took my eyes off it? I told you not to mess with it until-

His eyes took in the scene before him...and he groaned as he face-palmed, "Mable...why are their colorful, mythological creatures locked in a cage in our basement?" He asked in a weary yet resigned voice.

Mable chuckled nervously, "Uh...were having a slumber party?" She lied lamely.

"NO WE'RE NOT! HELP US! SHE KIDNAPPED US!" Screamed Twilight, and the other ponies shouted as well.

Dipper just glared at a sweating Mable, "Riiiiight...I'm going to tell mom and dad on you now." He says as he turns around to walk back up the stairs-

BANG!

And receives a frying pan to the head for his troubles...

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Dipper sighed through the gag as his tied up body is thrown into the cage along with the fillies, "Why in the hay did you do that!? He's your kin!" Shouts Applejack horrified

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I'm not the bad guy here! I've summoned cute pony friends. And you WILL be my friends! It WILL be forever! We WILL drink tea together! We will gossip about Boys! We WILL braid each others hair! AND IT'S GOING TO BE EVERY BIT AS AWESOME AS I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED IT WOULD!"

Screamed the clearly unhinged Mable...

She runs upstairs...desperately trying to think of a way to explain away Dipper's disappearance until he accepts her friendship...

Dipper sighed as Twilight took off his gag, "I'm sorry about all this...she's gone off the deep end before...but never like this." There was a long awkward pause...

"Sooooooo...considering that were probably going to be here awhile...mind if I ask you a bazilion questions about your species?" Asks Twilight inquisitively.

Dipper smirks, "Only if you'll allow me to do likewise...

...Meanwhile...

Mable paled when her parents asked where Dipper was... "Uh...he died?" She lied lamely...thankfully they still bought it...but she still needed to do something to get those ponies to accept her friendship! She ddin't think this be so hard! In All the children books and songs she'd memorized by heart...once the pony came into the young maidens life...they were supposed to become besties right away! ...Maybe she did the ritual wrong?

She looked through the spell book again...and then saw a spell called: 'Memory Remix'. Mable frowned at this...but her love- (cough) obsession (cough) - of all things pony won out over her ethics...

"Okay...I'll tweak their memory's for a couple of weeks...just enough for them to be happy...that's not so horrible." She rationalized to herself...

...4 years later...

The Pines house... was surrounded by police, neighbors, and news choppers.

"Today this quiet piece of suburban Piedmont Oregon was shaken as 6 mythological, TALKING pony-like people were rescued from an underground apocalypse cult allegedly run by self-proclaimed Messiah 'Reverend' Mable Pines. Best know to locals in this area as the 'Crazy she-witch with the ugly sweater'. Oh, I'm also told that her brother was also rescued from her clutches...but who cares? I am now joined by a neighbor who watched all the drama unfold. A Mr. Walter Bankston." She puts her mic under his mouth. "Mr. Bankston?"

🎵

...(Unbreakable - Kimmy Schmidt parody music starts to play)...

🎵

....Non-music version below, sorry but the site won't let me do the actual song....

The man looked to the mic. "Wha- Right, what happened was, I was outside cuttin up bike tires with my grandson. When out of nowhere Forty hundred police vehicles came bookin!"

They went, busted up in that weird and creepy white girl's house. She had a cult up in there! White girls hold the record for creepy crimes, y'know?"

He gestures around wildly."We've been living here ten years. Nobody seen no pony. Nobody heard no pony. Nobody smell no pony."

He ahkes his head. "She had them underground, They come out their hole Looked around, Like a bunch of Punxsutawney Phils."

"And I said Nathan is this for reals? "

"But They alive, dammit! It's a miracle! It's crazy But them ponies are strong as hell!"

"As for what's gonna happen to them now- he chuckles -That's gonna be, uh... you know, a... fascinating transition."

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Everyone looks around at the strange music and choreography that came out of nowhere. "Ooookay, that just happened." Said the reporter, she quickly composed herself as she turned back to the camera while listening to her earpiece. "Right...I've just been told we have more details...first of all I'm being told by my lawyer to apologize toward the scathing remark made toward the male pines sibling earlier, it was uncalled for...more importantly it seems that said young male is actually the hero of this."

Scene breaks to Dipper helping rescue workers put blankets over ponies as their helped out and given hot coco while reporter continues with a voiceover: Having apparently learned over his sisters scheme at a young age, Dipper was held underground as well. His sister then lied of his death. Her attempts to brainwash him somehow failed, and he bidded his time to earn her trust. When the time was right, he reversed the brainwashing on the ponies and together they attempted to overpower Mable. Despite being outnumberd, the clearly disturbed and violent pre-teen girl was able to hold her own. Fortunately, the ensuing conflict was loud enough to alert neighbors who in turn alerted local law enforcement. The ensuing standoff, lasted for several hours, and several SWAT members sent to intensive care before Mable was finally brought down by her brother with a frying pan."

Scene cut to Mable being brutally beaten up by cops and their billy clubs, "Although a trial is still pending, it looks like an unanimous guilty verdict is to be reached...her parents have had their custody of both children revoked due to their negligence and inability to handle the situation before it escalated. They have already fled the country in shame and could not be reached for a comment."

Once more the scene shifts toward the ponies being slowly helped onto an ambulance.

"As for the ponies themselves; who they are and where they come from is still under investigation... Back to you Tim."...

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TO BE CONTINUED?

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