When the two prodigal brothers finally climb aboard the Entrepreneur, they expect a peaceful journey far beyond the record distance. Thiz makes the distance easy; his older, tea-loving brother, however, gets them out of trouble when they get there. Too bad they couldn't save anyone else while they were at it- but where have they landed, who lives in this town, and why does the younger of the two have wings?
Written in collaboration with Thiz. No, this is not a self-insert.
Cancelled on account of terrible planning. If any.
Chapters (6)
I must say that the two of you have an interesting idea here. Thiz has me thinking of some sort of humanoid with Pinkie's personality, Discord's power, and Twilight's scholarship (and also with hilariously bad luck, Bumbling Conjurer-Style). Awesome, and slightly terrifying.
Few critiques: While I know it's for the sake of plot, I can't really see any sort of ship having crap airlock systems when there's also the possibility of flying into rogue supernovae. Not to mention that it should have been obvious through the portal, even if they went through it at .3c (unless the portal is 2D away from the nova, but then they would not have hit it).
I have no idea what the enemy ships were doing near the nova, unless there was no nova but instead gunfire that they mistook for the nova at first.
Lastly, I am guessing that the two MCs are somehow magic prodigies, but then why are they just on a random ship doing stuff? The descriptions make it sound more like they did ALL of this by accident or instinct rather than anything else, so that normally would imply that they get drafted as top researchers (Einstein-level here) or locked up for safety reasons (theirs, OR everyone else's), so why are they instead on a deathtrap of an exploration and/or colony vessel?
Especially landing in Equestria. Somehow, they manage to do that like everything else so far, and yet I assume the premise is that this is a rare or possibly completely unique event. What made these two special, and what happened for this to occur? You'd need some sort of confluence or major event to do that, but it can't truly be unique because it has to be actually possible to happen.
Possible options: Nova and the weaponry used by their enemy and/or their unique magic talent (because I am still assuming there's some reason these two have managed to do the impossible more than once already) combined with some sort of incident with Twilight's research ("Uh... Where's the test site?"*) or one of the big battles on the Equestrian side?
In short, NEEDS MORE BACKSTORY! (And sorry, Thiz, but two paragraphs would really not do!)
*There's a scene in the Looking Glass Wars books by John Ringo, where they test a small box given them as a gift by their alien allies (They later find out that it's a hyperdrive, of a type heretofore unknown). It has fascinating effects if electricity is applied. For whatever reason, they apply three-phase during one of their tests, and the solar system -- or maybe the universe -- disappears. (Fortunately, some moron genius made a portal machine that allows them to test the thing in empty ones, so they had plenty of spares -- and was also the reason that there's a war on, but that would be spoilers)
Now I want to know what kind of horsies they ended up as. I think pegasus is coolest, but that has no magic capability. With how important magic is to them, they'd almost have to be unicorns instead...
...
The younger has wings...
Uh oh. I'm hoping that means that their magic is not the same as unicorn magic, since it didn't need a horn before (It honestly sounds more like Discord's to me). That would at least mean that it's "only" a magic-wielding pegasus (which is already enough of an anomaly to cause trouble -- but awesome to boot). Alicorn is too flashy -- so if that's the case, the fecal matter is about to contact the rotary air recirculator.
That, or someone is royally buggered.
Sorry. What I should have also said to go with my critiques:
That all said, I liked this story, and I don't want to give the wrong impression of that. I just feel that there are a few things that don't quite make sense or that need explanation. However, even with that, it's well written, and I can see a lot of promise in the idea. (Well, for one, with such OP and polymath-style characters, you are going to get the attention of most of the mane six right from the start, PLUS Discord [edit: and possibly Lyra])
I haven't added this to my favorites lists yet because I want to see more of how this goes first (and that it will actually be continued), but if it does, I see no reason I shouldn't add it.
...Do I want to know what that remark was about the seat being comfortable?
So, is Whiz a grounder or a pointy-head?
8871476
Glad you liked it!
Computeneek wrote most of it, by the way, so blame him for the lack of backstory XD
Shielgicians are humanoids, and not (much) different from humans.
Also, their magic is not equestrian magic, and is also not discord's magic. Somewhere in-between, where they can have ships run on it too.
8873177
It reminds me a bit of Starship Mage, if you want to get inspiration from that system. (Medium rune-based, but there's some regular magic too -- runes just amplify)
I am glad that it's a different type that isn't dependent on subspecies. Kinda had to be, really (otherwise someone would have drawn the short straw).
I know that it's not quite the same as Discord's, but in power and versatility (plus the fact that they can rip space itself a new one with little or no preparation (H) or effort) it looks similar. Just that the mechanics are different, then.
I bet the older brother's pretty upset that he can't fly. Any plans of tech-assist for that?
(Also, depending on interpretation, Twilight got her wings from discovering a new magic. I wonder what happens when the world discovers non-ponies who have yet-unknown magic. Is that how they got baleful-polymorphed? Or is there an accidental ascension somewhere in their future? (I am trying to figure out if the sheer hilarity of that outweighs the total OP advantages that would give them...))
Glad to see that the second chapter starts to answer how they ended up in Equestria. So, a hyperjump to a non-existant H-space does not cause decoherence, but instead a shunt to a (presumably random) multiversal plane. (I assume it's random, or Equestria probably has a crapload of ex-humanoids pronking around by this point.)
Yes, "pronking" IS actually a word. Look it up.
8871476
I don’t see much harm in the question; it’s a humanoid-designed seat that he was strapped to as if he were still human. Thus, the seat that’s designed much like modern aircraft seats (though with a more comprehensive harness) applied pressure in the wrong spots... Which spots, I don’t know. His tail might have had a part to play in that, too.
8873177
Oh come on, lack of backstory creates suspense! Besides, if I were to provide it all at once, I’d start by writing the book that this is technically a crossover with. Yes, a crossover with that which does not exist... It works, okay?
8873230
Sounds about right... Ascension might be an interesting future event (not sure yet), and I believe they did mention they can self-levitate with their own power, though it doesn’t last very long. Whiz’ll probably be most bothered when he finds out his brother can now walk on clouds... and he can’t.
Oh- and their power is not rune-based; it behaves more like a cross between traditional magic (think unicorn) and electricity. They’ve got specific materials that can conduct it, specific devices that can perform specific tasks with it... No computers, though. All switches controlled manually by the pilot... through that control bar and his own ability. Nevermind that the ship’s power is supplied to him for the purpose, allowing him to fly for as long as the ship has power- which could be days, weeks... He’ll still need to eat, though.
8873393
That's actually how Mage did it. Runic circuitry allows a Jump Mage to power a large teleport spell to move the ship. As it so happens, the rune matrix for this happens to amplify ANY spell, but there's a special diverter that cuts in for any other spell and breaks the resonance loop, dumping it into the ship's radiator system. (Guess what the main character ends up doing...)
Anyway, the point is that the mage provides the power, but runes can be built into a circuit for additional effects.
An interesting alternative might be found in the book Aeronaut's Windlass by Jim Butcher. That one has flying ships that actually work off of a combination of electricity and power crystals harnessing the aether. (Read: Zero-point energy analogue and holistic energy field in one) There are also etherialists, eccentric people who can interface with the aether mentally and cut out the machinery that would normally be required to perform an action. They can do anything that the aetherships or other equipment can, but go crazy over time since their inborn talent causes the aether to be drawn to them and mess with their minds. (The book mostly depicts this as partially benign. Most of them live to old age anyway, with the minor caveat that they pick up minor compulsive disorders; one is unable to use doorknobs and must have a wagon of random items nearby. It only really causes problems with those that don't act kooky -- those ones are scary, since it manifests as sociopathy.)
I can only see that ending badly...
(or, more likely, with an introduction to the natives rather earlier than planned.)
Twilight (Time Turner might be interested too) is going to probably explode from all the squeeing over that alien tech (and the magic, to boot).
Rainbow will probably end up trying to race a scramjet, and win.
Rarity is probably going to faint from their fashion blunders (never mind that it's supposed to work, not look nice, and that they crashed), before redecorating. (that might be fun)
Zecora might be rather interested too, since I suspect that she would want to know about their chemistry knowledge and the engine/reactor systems from that side.
Lyra (and possibly Bon Bon)... Well, we all know the answer to that one. :D
Next chapter: Language barriers, and Sis gets grounded (literally?). At least I am guessing.
I wonder what's on fire? (and what Whiz's reaction will be once he finds out that Thiz went walkabout...)
What is the fuel made of, and can they get more? So far, it sounds like it's some sort of direct matter-to-energy converter (wonder what the efficiency of conversion is -- does it leave waste?), so it should last a very long time (rendering this possibly moot for quite some time), but I don't know how much power mana contains. Creating portals, for instance, seems like it would be rather expensive...
8876803
Yes, it is a matter-energy converter; since mana is never destroyed when used, only released into the local atmosphere (like pressurized hydrogen, one might say)... The mana used to transmute anything into suitable fuel- the closer it is to the end result, the less it takes, making stone among the cheapest (Not sure what it's really made of either)- can be re-collected and re-used. Mana itself is basically an infinitely reusable resource; given enough time, they could saturate Equestria with the stuff and never have to return to their ship again.
Thus, even if the reactor leaves behind a waste product in the process, that waste product can be run right back through the refinery and converted back into fuel... Not as much, but still. So whether or not it actually has a waste product, it is effectively perfectly efficient. Because of this, for simplicity's sake, we're leaving the reactor as perfectly efficient the first time through... on infused fuel. Uninfused fuel- or other matter/energy- it simply can't process.
I have Thiz wondering that too
... That is, co-author Thiz. Turns out I can cliffhanger without even publishing. Though, I suppose, character Thiz is probably also wondering...
8877765
Ha. Poor bugger. And I refer to both of them.
I wonder what powers Equestrian magic then, if not mana.
Any plans on explaining how even the fuel got drained? Are they going to be able to perform maintenance on their equipment, or does it require tools or materials they can't get?
...Scratch the last. The ponies have transmutation, and the Shelg-somethings can warp space (thus transmutation and so on is likely taught in kindergarten). They can make their own.
8877787
. Transmutation is one of the things shielgician mana is excellent for- and I do believe I just mentioned they transmute to produce fuel. Yes, they can basically transmute damaged tools into repaired ones... Though it's easier to reshape them. Parts is one thing they almost never have to worry about.
Equestrian magic uses 'mana', Shielgician ("Shield-magician") magic uses 'mana'... Equestrian 'mana' is not Shielgician 'mana', nor the other way around; they just use the same word. Yes, possible source of
As for how the mana all escaped, it's something to do with the void between the worlds; it got sucked out, even though the ship's hull is constructed of such materials as to make that impossible. Theoretically, at least.
It lets me make them non-OP off-the-bat
Yes... Though char-Thiz can simply walk over and find out (as she's doing, might I add), while auth-Thiz has to wait for me to write it!
8877805
I was wondering about the etymology.
As for Thiz... Leeet hiiiiim suffer! Muahahahaha!
But not for too long; I want to read stories.
As a side note: Did any of my ramblings on the others help any?
8877844
They did, actually- just this one's gotten most of my attention. I've gone out of the crazy-write-it phase I was in before; whatever I was trying to flush out of my system, I did it. Now, I just need to break the all-work-no-play mentality that's developed around my home... Got a plan for that- but it won't kick in until the end of next month. Amusement parks can be so boring when they're closed, can't they?
8877852
Yeah, they can be. Waterpark? I prefer those.
Too bad they inevitably give you a cold after you leave...
8877954
They have one... I won't be going in there. No need- bumpercars and roller coasters, in the perfect customer density (DelGrosso's is a 'small' park), aught to be more than good enough.
8877844
Technically the word Shielgician came from the planet they're from: Shielgic.
Shielgic was known for having a shield around the entire planet, and for it's magical inhabitants.
Thus, Shield-Magic
This gets extended into Shielgician, because I like the word "Magician"
8879004
And that's also why your aversion to the word 'spell' is so strange.
8879404
How is that strange?
"Spell" gives me the completely wrong idea of how their magic works.
...Wonder what brought on a sudden attack of minotaurs. Also, if they got to what is presumably Ponyville (which is rather centered in the country... almost as if to make it most prominent to a story or something...), I think it's safe to say the rest of the country is buggered.
I wonder if the residents are somewhat less happy about the amount of dakka used? 😇
(They got an arrow shot at them. I think that's a yes.)
Next up: explosive diplomacy!
I bet Dash is mildly miffed, too. Did the shuttle make a Rainboom, or is that only for magic-assisted flight?
8879820
Nevermind that it's magic-powered flight, on a different kind of flight... XD Nah, Rainboom- and any other booms I might make (See Iron Mountain) are only for ponies. The arrow was probably minotaur; it's already been mentioned that ALL the ponies did, once they saw the ship, was scream.
8880277
Yeah, that gets confusing fast. :D
Well, then that gives you an opening for confusing Dash when she gets outsped by something NOT leaving a coruscating trail.
And Thiz wondering how the heck a pony is traveling around mach 1.5 despite not having (their) magic (as I'm sure he'll find out soon).
Using pronouns for characters that get rule 63'd is a pain. You already know this, but I have to complain. :D
Hahaha, exactly!
Confusing unicorn is confusing.
Why are they laughing at Thiz, and how did she heal herself? Did she tap his power to do so (and did this work in the way she expected -- did she actually use his power (and if so, which, since they probably have pony magic too now) to run a healing spell, or was it coincidental with an automatic healing factor or automatic mana matrix he already had set up)?
8881314
Confusing unicorn is very confusing.
Even I'm not sure exactly what magic was used or how.
8881452
Haha. I see he's being cryptic again, then. Do you share his tendency to read sci-fi stories, by chance? I can send the same list, if you don't have it.
8881462
I love sci-fi, but I don't really read that much
- and I'm not so sure he knows either.
8881314
Hey, that's Thiz' line!
Interesting... So their magic does work on others. And on the resident crackpot, too. Uh oh. :D
And now you have explained the attack and how that weird healing thing worked. Thanks.
Interesting that she's helping them hide their out-of-town nature, shall we say. I'm guessing probably because it's easier to study them that way, rather than snooping like earlier. Then again, you could also be going with the "ponies are nice and have no self-preservation either" angle ("Do you eat ponies?" "Uh, no." "Great!".)
8882482
Or maybe because, while she does want to learn all about them, she does not want their secret to ruin their lives...
8882509
Eh, that can't be it.
:D