A+ negotiations, Princess.

by Nikolai the Gryphon

Bonus chapter: Why the hell not?

Every PG-13 film is allowed one F-bomb. I think that the Sh-bomb also counts, and thus, after my one use, every instance of a swear word will be replaced by my attempt at spelling it with symbols and special characters.

Monty sat in the Griffonese Emperor's court. A ball and chain around his ankle, and two Praetorian Guards next to him, he watched the Emperor as he read from a list.

"...And to total, we have eight counts of threatening a foreign diplomat, around twenty counts of using diplomatic immunity to get out of petty crimes in other countries, and over one-hundred counts of heresy against other religions and rulers, which have almost gotten you publicly executed every-single-time. What made you think that any of what you did was a good idea?" The Emperor took off his reading glasses.

Monty stood up. "Well, You see, I think that everybody has the right to do whatever, wherever, whenever they want. I follow the mantra "Why the hell not", and to boot, I personally think that-"

"Lemme get this straight." The Emperor leaned forward in his chair and cupped his hands around his beak. "You mean to tell me that you've committed ALL these crimes overseas, and the whole reason you did so, was for SHITS AND GIGGLES?"

"Well, YOU sure are one to speak, hmm Emperor?" Riley inexplicably showed up behind him.

"Oh sweet Jesus, no. Anybody but you." The Emperor winced.

"When you were a spry, young prince, not yet tarnished by old age and power, or, to quote Paul McCARTneigh, "When you were young, and your heart was an open book,", you did some pretty brash and rude things too, eh?"

"Ah, to be young again." The Praetorian guards did a double take. Monty had somehow slipped the ball and chain and pulled up a chair in front of the emperor. "Let's take a nice looksee at these files, eh?"

The Emperor motioned for the guards to exit the room. "I'll suffer by myself, thanks."

"Now, what do WE have here?" Riley pulled out a stack of documents that were SUPPOSED to be classified, but, eh, #@(# it, he had them anyways. He whistled. "Now this, THIS is the $#!+ that could get a man thrown into a dungeon for life!"

_{"It could also get you thrown into a dungeon for reading it..."} Mumbled the Emperor.

"Lessee here... Hey hey hey! Whuzzis?" Monty pulled out a paper that was titled List of Foreign Rulers that Prince Griffa Talonburg the Second has attempted to court "Well I'll be damned! And we always thought that yer highness was such an uptight, conservative ruler, but you're just like yer father!"

"Well, won'tcha lookit this? "Incident Fifty Seven: Griffa attempted to court Equestrian Princess of Friendship with a stack of books, a bottle of champagne, and the promise that 'You can re-organize MY library anytime, baby." He was promptly turned down and almost arrested for sexual harassment of a foreign ruler!'" Well, One might think that after the Fifty Seventh time, he would've stopped, but this is over ONE HUNDRED incidents! One could make a rather nice book out of this. "Talonburg's little black book" we'd call it."

"That was over thirty years ago, and I already publicly apologized. Well, Thirty years ago, I did, BUT my point still stands-"

"Oh, Griffa, if only that was all. But WE have SO MUCH MORE!" Riley pulled out a filing cabinet, reached into a drawer, and pulled out a rather thick binder that said Times Talenburn almost got the world destroyed by pissing off a magical power.
"Well, let's look in here!" Riley opened it, looked around, then shut it. "Sorry, my file. I'm looking for "Times TALONburg almost got the world destroyed by pissing off a magical power." He replaced the "Riley Talenburn" folder and took out a Slightly less thick binder. "Lessee here... Most of the "Little Black Book" incidents are in here... Ah, here's a new one!"

A file that says "Incident two-hundred and something something AB, we lost #@(#ing track around the one-hundred fifties" is a very bad sign, and reading it continued this trend. "For the eightieth freaking time", Monty read, "Griffa has "accidentally" told the Changeling Collective that it's "just a bunch of bugs", and then proceeded to quote that Paul VerHooven movie about the space marines. And for the fifth time in the row, like a little #&(#ing baby brother, The Changelings proceeded to cry "My big brother Equestria will get you for that!" And then they ran, crying, like the little infants that they are, to Equestria, and then Griffa had to negotiate for peace, and once again get even MORE things negotiated out from under him, and this ALL wouldn't have happened if Griffa had JUST KEPT HIS TRAP SHUT." Well, Yer highness, I quite though that-"

"Alright, enough from both of you. I'll see that your sentences are dropped, just as long as you just SHUT UP and leave me alone." The Emperor called in the Praetorian guards to take them away.

"That wouldn't happen to include leaking these documents, would it?" Riley asked.

"Sure. Leak all you want, just never come within hearing range of me again."

"Alrighty, then. Would writing a book and then self publishing it count as leaking?"

"... What exactly are you saying here?"

"Well, let's just say that I did exactly just that."

Author's Note:

Incidentally, Riley's OTHER book, "Talonburg's Little Black Book", Continues to sail at the top of Equestria's bestselling charts. Meanwhile, it isn't banned, persay, in Gryphgen, but last we checked, Griffa had every copy he could obtain burned, so, sure, banned, why not.