• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 11,557 Views, 43 Comments

Broken Horn, Fixed Heart - Israel Yabuki

A clopfic between you and Tempest Shadow (Fizzlepop Berrytwist)

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Comments ( 24 )

She gives you her left hand and you put the ring on her left ring finger.

Hooves have fingers confirmed!

Couldn't get into it. Sorry, yo.

Oh... Didn't catch that... Sorry:applejackunsure:

It was a good read but still feels rushed at some points.

Somehow I feel also that this story deserves a little sequel about their son/daughter.

This is good. It does feel a bit rushed but I still enjoyed it. Well done.

Yep! Great story like the others, though I was hoping for a one with Starlight.

I'll get to her soon.

Ok a few things for constructive criticism;

In future stories do not focus on exposition and info dumps. A story becomes far more powerful when you show not tell. You did this well by saying that Celestia had a husband and then had dialogue explaining who he was, you need to include more stuff like that. Instead of including the twins accident in a single sentence, drag out a little start the paragraph with them getting in the car, showing us the banter to SHOW us that the reader loves the twin. So much of this story I had to skip because unfortunately there was to much exposition.

As someone who writes I’ve been hounded on Show not tell and reading stories that showed me conflict instead of telling me about it, gave me more of a sense of relation to the character. This is a second person story so it’s improant the reader connects with the protagonists but I just couldn’t put myself in their shoes because the emotion wasn’t there to entice me into walking in there shoes.

The subject matter is sweet and romantic but as others said it does feel rushed. I used to rush my plots which is why my stories have so little likes. I’ve been learning from this and you can to. This story isn’t bad in fact it’s pretty solid and good at face value. However, the thing about Celestia having a human husband should be omitted as you want your protagonist to feel lost and helpless at first you want him to feel the same thing he felt when his brother died so you can have him find happiness in the pony of your choice (in this case Tempest).

Again I’m not telling you to do this but these are just helpful tips. You could have said she had a husband but always referred to it in past tense that way it doesn’t ruin anything and makes the reader curious.

Though if I had to give this a rating I’d honestly give you a thumbs up and a solid 8/10.

Thanks for the honest opinion. I'll be sure to keep that in mind when the next story is gonna be made.

No problem dude, you’ve got serious talent and don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t.

Don't you worry, nothing's gonna make me stop writing stories for the readers out there

That’s the spirit! :trollestia:

Where did you get the cover art for this story?

I found it on Google Images

This story was awesome, :pinkiehappy::twilightsheepish::yay::raritywink::rainbowkiss::ajsmug:
I love this story.
The story was approved by the USA.🇺🇲

Turns out the atribute of the only bakugan that I can find is Ventus

Since their married and are having a baby dose that make Grubber an uncle?

Thanks! 😁👍

a beautiful love story, good work guys and brony on

and I can't help but listen to the song you put their after reading this chapter, it works well with it

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