Part Time Princess

by Caddy Finz

Twilight: Parts Specialist

For many ponies, helping a friend is simply something you do in life and after the fact, it makes both the helper and the helped feel good. For Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, it was just another day at the office but tonight, she was literally in an office. A friend and now technically her boss needed somepony to help him work a graveyard shift at his auto supply store as none of his other employees were willing to do so. Normally, he would be open from seven in the morning until nine o'clock at night but since he had received dozens of complaints regarding closing too early, he reluctantly agreed to simply try out the twenty-four hour idea.

As Twilight Sparkle sat in a chair on the opposite side of a desk, the door behind her opened quickly and clicked shut just as quickly without being slammed. A red pegasus stallion with a light brown mane and tail, green eyes and thick-framed glasses took a seat on the side of the desk opposite of Twilight and picked up a clipboard with a hoof and a pen in his mouth. After making a few adjustments to some of the paperwork clipped to the board, he tossed it back down onto the desk and sighed as he rubbed his temples out of frustration. He knew he would have to acknowledge the lavender mare sitting across from him eventually and in truth, he felt that he really owed it to her so he cleared his throat and looked at Twilight with his tired, dark ringed eyes.

"Thanks so much for helping me tonight, Twilight." The stressed out stallion said softly, his voice sounding as if he were about to fall asleep.

"It's no problem, Mr. Finz." Twilight replied to her new boss with a smile.

"Oh, there's no need to be formal. I'm only a few years older than you, Just call me Caddy like you usually do."

"Ah, right. Well, thanks for bringing me aboard! I've always wanted to try my hoof at the auto industry. Even though this job is parts retail, I can put my engineering expertise to work and I bet we can get a lot accomplished!"

"Excellent! Alright, Twilight, here's your uniform and this is your password to the cash tills."

Caddy then hoofed a red polo shirt accompanied by a black and white checkered bowtie much like his neck tie over to Twilight. A small piece of paper with a five digit number stuck out of the pocket of the shirt as to allow the new employee to implement use of the store's POS system. Unbeknownst to the Princess of Friendship, she had just gotten herself into the most brutal, unforgiving, and soul crushing industry known to ponykind; retail.

"Okay so that's pretty much how the registers and the parts lookup system works." Caddy said as he gave Twilight a brief tour of his store and how things work. "Pretty self explanatory. Let's see, I showed you how we answer the phones here and where all the parts and product is stored sooo...I think that should cover it. Any questions?"

"Absorbed it all like a sponge, Caddy!" Twilight beamed with a smile.

"Excellent, because it's time for me to call that Radio station I love so much. I'll be in my office in case you need me. Basically, you'll just be front and facing, helping any customers we get and stuff like that. Um, there's coffee in the break area out back and a twelve gauge under the counter sooo...yeah, I guess that's about it. Thanks again!"

"You bet!"

As she thought for a moment about what was just said to her, the fact that her boss was packing heat underneath the counter where Twilight would be spending most of her time did make her slightly nervous. Come to think of it, the store was located in one of the less than friendly neighborhoods so late night robberies weren't uncommon in this part of town. Being as though she had singlehoofedly defeated Tirek among other baddies however, any would-be trouble makers wouldn't prove to really be much trouble to begin with. Surely, the shotgun wouldn't be needed.

The first task of the shift entailed front and facing the products on the shelves that Caddy's other employees left untouched. As Twilight used her magic to rearrange the oil filter display and prepared to straighten up the bottles of engine coolant, she took a good look around the store. The floors were dusty, the Pennzoil(R) display had a puddle of leakage under the bottles of 10W30 and even the air filters were crammed onto their shelves out of numerical order. Twilight was glad to see that there were many ways she could help her friend with his store but furrowed her brow at the idea of a nice boss like Caddy having such lazy employees and she felt he deserved better.

Meanwhile, in Caddy's office...

"Oh, yeah we're fine, it's just..." The depressed red pegasus said as he spoke on the phone to a local radio show host. "She finally told me what I needed to hear...as much as hurt to hear that she doesn't feel mutually, we're doing fine. She and I had a nice talk and got a lot of things off our chests..."

Back on the sales floor...

Twilight had accomplished her first task of the night having found and removed a leaking bottle of Pennzoil(R) that had apparently been nicked with a box cutter and the employee working at the time simply ignored it and stuck it on the shelf. With that out of the way and properly disposed of, she could now mop up the puddle since the source was no longer there. Just as she was finishing up and ringing out the mop in the bucket however, a new task in the form of a ding from the front entrance meant that anything else would have to wait.

"Hi! Welcome to The Caddy's Finz Auto Supplies!" Twilight beamed as she greeted a customer who trotted in. "Can I help you find anyth-"

"Piss off!" The customer, a young stallion retorted with a glare. "I know what I'm looking for!"

The stallion trotted past Twilight whose mouth hung wide open at the sudden and uncalled for rudeness of somepony whom she offered help. At a loss for words, Twilight trotted back over to the counter where she would be ready once the customer was finished shopping and ready to pay. Perhaps this stallion was just having a bad day? Be that as it may, there was still no reason to blow up on somepony simply doing their job.

"Hey! I can't find the windshield wipers!" The stallion yelled out. "Why aren't you helping me find them!?"

"With all due respect, sir..." Twilight began nervously as she trotted over to assist. "You did just so graciously inform me that you didn't require nor desire my help. The wipers are...right in front of you."

"Well, hurry up and put 'em on my car, smartass!"

"How about try talking to her like an equine being?" A cold, raspy voice said from the other end of the isle. The red stallion whom Twilight was helping with his business stood with his wings flared and a smoldering cigar sticking from his teeth. The look in his eyes accompanied with the dark circles of fatigue meant that the rude customer had given attitude to the wrong employee. "You can either apologize to her and then we can help you...or you can get the hell outta my store!"

Without a word, the frightened customer turned tail and bolted out of the store, again leaving Twilight speechless and her boss snorting out of anger. Finally, they both calmed down and took a moment to talk about what just happened.

"In all my years doing this..." Caddy began. "I have never talked to one of my customers like that."

"Wow, what made you do that this time?" Twilight asked, flabbergasted.

"I'm tired, Twilight. I'm just so, so Celestia damned tired. Nice job with the Pennzoil(R), by the way. I'm going out back for some coffee."

With that, the owner and manager of the store turned around and slowly trotted his exhausted self to the break room for a pick me up leaving Twilight to shrug off the incident as just a first day fluke. Little did she know however, that one rude stallion would set the tone for the remainder of tonight's shift.

The lavender alicorn then took to rearranging the boxed air filters by part number and dusting off the shelves while she was at it. Not only were the numbers off, the brands were a jumbled up mess as well. After taking a few minutes to organize them and place them accordingly, Twilight was quite happy with her work but again left miffed at other employees before her. Even when exhausted, the boss still noticed a job well done and took the time to compliment one's work. It just when she was sliding the last box into place that the phone rang and needed to be attended to.

"Thanks for calling The Caddy's Finz!" Twilight greeted as she answered the phone. "This is Twilight, Speaking. How can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah ummm..." A stallion on the other end began. "So, the belt on my chevy blazer broke. Did that damage anything else?"

"I uh...I'm sorry, sir, I wouldn't be able to tell you over the phone."

"Whadda you mean you can't tell me!? You're supposed to be a professional!"

"Nopony can tell over the phone, sir, trust me, it's all vis-"

"Screw you!"

Click!

"Are you kidding me!?"

Now rather irritated by how ponies were treating her and her friend, Twilight took slow, deep breaths as she trotted back over to headlight bulbs where she would front and face the boxes to make the planogram look presentable. Not long after she began however, a stallion trotted in and headed to the same isle where Twilight was working. Surely this one would be halfway decent to deal with.

"You're gonna pay for that, right?" Twilight asked as she observed the stallion head towards the door with a sixty bit set of headlight bulbs.

"Nope." The stallion said firmly, as if he felt simply entitled to the product he was stealing.

"The hell you're not!" Caddy Finz retorted as he snatched the product back and shoved the stallion out the door.

"I'll never shop here again!"

"As if I'd want you to!"

The irate boss of the store then softened his expression as he turned back to Twilight, his flared wings calming down as well.

"Don't let anypony make you feel like you gotta put up with that crap." Caddy said. "I'm definitely not in the mood tonight."

"Does this happen often?" Twilight asked.

"Shoplifting? Yeah, only about twenty or so times a day. When you see that and...wait...did you...rearrange those air filters?"

Before Twilight could answer, her exhausted manager broke down into a sobbing mess and stumbled over to his employee with his arms as open as his delicate emotions.

"Oh my gahahahahawd, you fixed the..." Caddy sobbed as he hugged an immensely worried Twilight. "Th-thank you so muhuhuhch!"

"Caddy?" Twilight asked, not hesitating to return her friend's hug. "Do your other employees do...anything?"

"N-no, they just *sniff* they just sit around and when I ask them to do anything, they just whine and bitch about it. All I get is 'what do you expect for twenty bits an hour?'"

"You pay them that well and they treat you like that!?"

"I like to think I'm a good boss...I dunno. I uh, I'll be in my office. I need to think for a while."

With that, Caddy retreated back to his office where he would listen to his favorite radio station as he filled out paperwork, leaving Twilight at the sales floor to clean up from where the other dead weight left off. There was still much to do but Twilight made a mental note to address her employer's seemingly extreme fatigue and convince him to take some time off. The twenty-four/seven idea would end up being his death and she knew it.

"Sweep sweep sweepedy sweepers..." Twilight hummed to herself as she pushed a broom through each isle of the store. A customer trotted in so the floors would have to wait.

"Welcome!" Twilight greeted with a smile as she trotted to the counter. "What can I do for you?"

"You sold me the wrong damn oil filter!"

"Did I now?"

Twilight's patience was wearing rather thin at this point but nevertheless, she had a job to do and a friend to help.

"Yeah! You better fix this!" The mare demanded.

"Okay, first off, I myself did not sell you that as I've only been here for an hour, however..." Twilight said before being cut off.

"Are you disagreeing with me!?"

"No...not at all, ma'am. What's the year, make, and model of your car?"

"Two thousand and two chevy cavalier."

"And the engine?"

"Two point two liter inline four ecotec."

"That filter they sold you earlier is correct."

"No it's not!"

"How so?"

"It's the wrong color!"

Twilight was now nearing a point where she would throw any and all politeness to the wind and she worried that she may be a lot meaner than her boss in that regard. To have this argument with this customer in the first place was a chore but to find out that she disputed the fit and function of the product over something as irrelevant as color was making the counter mare's blood boil.

"The color of an oil filter doesn't matter, ma'am." Twilight said firmly.

"Whatever! I want my money back anyway!" The mare retorted.

"Got a receipt?

"No!"

"Uh huh..."

Twilight then opened the box to find a cartridge style oil filter black and completely drenched in used, smelly motor oil and raised a brow at the now even angrier customer. Clearly, she was trying to return something she already used in order to get a refund.

"What, you don't trust me!?" The mare gasped, offended that Twilight would dare inspect the item and not just take her word for it.

"This is used." Twilight said firmly.

"Is not!"

"Okay, then answer me this..."

"You're the one Who answers to me you little punk!"

"Then why is the box you just brought me a Purolator(R) while this used filter says 'Fram(R)' on it!?"

"It's a Fram(R) filter I bought here!"

"We don't carry Fram(R) filters!!"

For the customer looking to pull one over on the savvy cashier, the jig was up but before cutting her losses, she decided to get back at the employee for not allowing it. Without warning, the mare used her unicorn aura to lift the nasty, oil covered filter out of the box and jam the end onto the tip of Twilight's horn before galloping out the door, mumbling about the poor service she had just experienced. As Twilight quickly removed the filter from her horn and wiped the oil from her brow, another stallion trotted in. Surely he would break the chain and be remotely pleasant.

"What can I do for you, sir?" Twilight asked, trying her absolute best to be friendly.

"Yeah, it turns out my car didn't need these brake pads." The stallion said with a semi friendly tone as he set a box of brake pads and a receipt on the counter.

The attitude of this customer was decent. He gently set the item on the counter rather than slamming it and upon inspection, the parts were clean and unused and the customer didn't seem to mind her checking. He even brought a receipt! So far so good. There was just one problem.

"We don't carry this brand, sir." Twilight said firmly but politely. "The receipt even says 'EAPA' on it."

"Well yeah, I bought these from the EAPA store down the street." The stallion said. "They're closed at this hour so I'd like to get a refund here."

"Sir..."

"Yes?"

"I can't give you a refund for an item that you bought from a different store."

"Why not?"

"Because we never sold it to you in the beginning. You bought it from a completely different company."

"So?"

"So...we're not affiliated with EAPA."

"You're not?"

"No...we're not."

"But you're an auto parts store."

"That we are."

"And they're an auto parts store too."

"Correct."

"Sooo...you're not affiliated with them?"

"Precisely."

"And you're not going to give me a refund for these?"

"We are not."

"Do you have a manager I could speak to?"

"I do."

With a giant grin slapped onto her sweating face, Twilight turned around and trotted to the manager's office to retrieve Caddy whom of which would tell the stallion the same exact thing she did. With a furrowed brow, cigar in his teeth and a cup of coffee in hoof, the boss followed his employee back to the unreasonable customer whom of which he would set the record straight with.

"What seems to be the problem?" Caddy asked the customer.

"Your employee here is the problem." The stallion retorted.

"Ah ah ah ah, don't make things personal. Leave her out of this and tell me what we can do for you."

"I wanted to return these brake pads."

"You can't return something to a place it never came from."

"So, you're the manager here?"

"I am."

"Well then, get me the owner."

"You're talking to him."

"Then the CEO."

"You know what? You're getting on my nerves. Take your brake pads and get the hell out of my store."

With a gasp at the audacity of a store worker talking to him like that, the stallion took back his box of brake pads and trotted out the door with his muzzle held high as if he had just accomplished something. Both Caddy and Twilight were nearing the point of simply throwing in the towel and throwing down with the next pony unfortunate enough to trot in. After giving each other a nod, Caddy stomped back to his office as he puffed on his cigar and slammed the door, leaving a sizable crack in the shaded window.

It seemed like being the Princess of friendship was rendered null and void the second she put on her shirt and nametag and everypony who entered or called was out to make it known. Though he had operated the store for years, it was tonight that Caddy seemed especially gutsy when it came to standing his ground. There was a great deal of pressure on every side and something had to give. Just when it seemed that all was lost however, Twilight's eyes lit up the store at a familiar face trotting through the front door.

"Princess Luna!" Twilight beamed before noticing the elder Princess' furrowed brow. "Are you having a rough night too?"

"Please do not inquire." The night Princess sighed as she trotted over towards the air freshener and auto interior cleaning section."

"Don't need to. I take it one of your Uber rides had an accident?"

"Right you are. The little snake gave me only four stars too..."

"Yikes! I know how much you prided yourself in your five star reviews."

"Though I shant complain while I enjoy the luxury of my own part time gig. It is you whom I have pity for, thy poor girl you."

"Huh?"

"Retail."

"Oh...Right."

Twilight began to feel better by leaps and bounds as she made small talk with her fellow Princess as the latter shopped around the store for her own automotive needs. Luna filled her cart with everything she would need to remove vomit and clean her upholstery while she browsed through a sales flier, leaving Twilight to continue sweeping the floors as they made chit chat. Luna then remembered that her Lincoln would soon be due for an oil change so she removed six quarts of Mobil1(R) synthetic 5w20 and a premium grade Purolator(R) oil filter from the shelf. Only the best for Luna's precious ride.

With her goods purchased and a receipt printed out and hoofed over, Luna gave Twilight a warm hug and a wave goodbye as she trotted out the door, leaving Twilight at the mercy of the most unforgiving industry. Though feeling a great deal better than before, the royal counter mare feared that it would be short lived. Surely the occupants of a massive old Cadillac pulling into a handicap spot and knocking the sign over would be as pleasant to deal with as how well they drive. Twilight continued to front and face the items on the shelves as she waited for the old couple in the giant car with the smashed up back end to enter.

Much to Twilight's confusion, the couple of old ponies who had as much business driving as they had being out awake at this hour simply sat in their spot as if waiting for something. Finally, after five or so minutes, the old stallion in the driver's seat shook his head in disapproval and shifted his gargantuan land yacht into reverse, knocked over a fire hydrant, and slowly putt putted away at a slug's pace. For a rare moment, Twilight would find herself relieved until the phone rang.

"Thanks for calling The Caddy's Finz." Twilight greeted. "This is Princess Twilight. How can I hel-"

"Are you working alone, young lady?" A stallion on the other end cut her off.

"No, I have my boss here wit-"

"Put a stallion on the phone."

Twilight Sparkle had let a great many of sins slide but she refused to allow this stallion to get away with this one. Normally, she would leave the putting ponies into their places for the boss but this one needed to be dealt with by her and her only.

"Did I just hear you right?" Twilight retorted.

"Listen, what you're doing over there is a stallion's job." The insufferable bastard said. "So, why don't you be a good little mare and go get the stallion in charge so he can look up my parts. Kay?"

"Bitch, I was working with the engineers that designed your car!! When I go car shopping I take shit apart all the way down to the combustion chambers!! You know that number sixty-nine monte-carlo at the Appaloosa Races!? I was on the pit crew!! I built that bitch!! You want me to put a guy on the phone!?"

"..."

"Too bad!"

Click!

"Now that felt good!"

No sooner than Twilight smacked the phone down, did the other line start ringing.

"The Caddy's Finz." Twilight answered, a massive fake grin plastered on her face as she neared the bring of a meltdown.

"Hello?" The shaky voice of a much older stallion said. "Hello? Is anypony there?"

"Yes, I'm here! What can I do for you sir!?"

"What!? Speak up a bit!"

"Oh for the love of...What can I do for you, sir!?"

"My wife and I sat and waited in your parking lot for five minutes...and nopony came out to check our tire pressure and top off our fluids and wipe our windshield!"

"We don't offer those services here, sir!"

"What kind of service station are you ponies running over there!?

"Sir! We're not a service station! We don't do those things here!"

"What a terrible employee!" Said a voice in front of Twilight on the other side of the counter. "You should be fired for shouting at your customers like that!"

Twilight's pupils shrank to the size of pin pricks as she turned her gaze forward to see a sea of angry looking ponies who have all just decided to flood the store at the same time. Weather it be from having to wait more than three seconds of simply just because others seemed upset, everypony in the entire store had something to complain about and Twilight's status as a Princess did absolutely nothing to help her. Not that she ever liked to pull the "do you know who I am" card, regardless, it was just no use.

Twilight's ears folded back as the crowd became angrier and borderline destructive, some ponies stooping as low as knocking things off the shelves for no other reason than to give the employees a hard time. As the shouts grew louder and louder still, salvation in the form of a clicking and clacking sound of a familiar set of hooves approaching from behind was granted. Never before did Twilight ever think she'd be so happy to smell those nasty cigars her boss seemed to always have in his mouth.

"What's going on here!?" Caddy shouted to the crowd of rowdy customers. "Can you ponies just calm down for a second!? Anypony!? Huh!?"

It was no use. His pupils followed suit with Twilight's as the shouting and name calling from the crowd drilled its way into their heads and drowned out their own breathing and even their heartbeats. For the two ponies at the counter, it was their impending mental breakdowns that would need to be quelled before somepony got hurt.

"Twilight?" Caddy said. "Excuse me for a moment."

Very slowly and casually, Caddy Finz trotted back to his office where he picked up a phone with another pony waiting for him on the other line. After attending to his friend on the other end, Caddy would declare his store closed.

"Cadence?" Caddy asked as he opened a drawer on his desk and pulled out a box of shotgun shells. "Consider my schedule cleared. Now if you'll excuse me...I've gotta go take out the trash."

Click!

As to not leave his employee and friend at the mercy of the merciless crowd for a moment longer than necessary, Caddy trotted back to the front counter and stood by her side. Both Twilight and Caddy glanced at one another and almost as if communicating telepathically, they gave each other a firm nod as the latter reached under the counter to introduce another friend of his.

"Alright, everypony out!!" Caddy shouted as he pulled a dual barreled shotgun from under the counter before firing a shot in the air. "Hey! I see you hiding over there! Out! Out!"

The ponies in the store needed no further instruction and they all galloped out the front door as quickly as their legs could possibly carry them. After waving the shotgun around and letting out another shot to scare off any stragglers trying to hide behind the radiators, the fed up pegasus opened the breach of his gun and pulled the two spent shells out before putting two fresh ones in their place. Now that they both knew everypony was out of the building, they could put their next plan into motion.

"Twilight! Catch!" Caddy hollered as he tossed to his employee a can filled with a flammable auto fuel additive. Knowing exactly what to do, Twilight uncapped the canister and began running up and down the isles, leaving puddle after puddle of the fluid in her wake. While the crazed Princess continued dousing the floors with any flammable liquid she could find, the boss blasted loads of buckshot through every bottle of motor oil he could lay his eyes on. The only task left for the night was to close up shop indefinitely.

"You ready, Twi!?" Caddy asked as he took one last puff of his cigar.

"I've been ready, boss!" Twilight replied.

"Insurance money! Come to papa!!"

As he and Twilight stood out by the front entrance, the crazed pegasus lobbed his lit stogie into the store and they both watched as it came in contact with the fluids on the floors where it then burst into flames. Within seconds, the flames spread and ignited even more of the bottles and cans that had not yet been spilled and before they could begin to think about what they had just done, the whole store was engulfed. Just like that, the two ponies who had to endure the torment that is retail were free.

"Hey, Twi." Caddy Finz said as he and his royal friend slowly trotted away from the raging inferno.

"Yeah, Caddy?" Twilight replied.

"What's the story gonna be when ponies hear about a crazy pegasus waving a shotgun around?"

"Why, that crazy pegasus was doing nothing more than defending a Princess from an angry mob as far as I'm concerned."

"Uh huh. And the fire?"

"Retail. Enough said."

And then they went to Caddy's place and made sweet, passionate love.

Author's Note:

I stooped to the level of putting my own OC in there. Now I have to live with myself. Don't hate me...please... On another note, I hope this is well received as I'm sure a great many of you can relate to the joys of working retail. Anyway...*Takes a bow*

Edit: the image you see above of Caddy and Twilight basking in their post boss/employee coital bliss was made by my friend Mix-up.

Comments

[ponybornhuman]

Retail = Soul destroying work.
Enough said.

[Speedy Silverstreak]

And now Flurry Heart......

[Ri2]

Let it burn. Let it burn.

Wait, Twilight was on a pit crew?

[Caddy Finz]

8797363
Sorry for now, friend. I may come back and add her later once the out of control inspiration truck paints the road with me. I hope you enjoyed it though.

[ValNitak Choas]

freak funny, each one of them,

[FiMFanatic]

This was great! It almost feels like an animated story to me. The characterizations were classic and the narrative itself was simple, condensed and a classic solid point! Great job on this one tale friend.

[Caddy Finz]

8798723
Thank you very much! How did you like the "Chronicle" like style of the events of the chapters taking place at the same time? The idea just hit me when I was working on the first chapter. Thanks for the compliment!

[FiMFanatic]

8798737
Of course! Honestly... I didn't actually read up to that point. But, now that this story has caught my attention. I want to explore what it has to offer. I had a feeling that it was a bit connected since I noticed one of your titles was from Luna's perspective and lo and behold Luna appears in this story and gives off the aftermath to the ordeal to a both equally distraught and strained little princesses. Again though, I really enjoyed this one. And to be more honest. When I saw the fanart to the accompaniment of this story I just went "dawww!" and wanted to see what lead to a pretty sad looking Twilight in a comedic setting/situation. ... And my answer came in this epic story! I'm about to start reading and re-read this one again. I hope you make more of these! Again, great job to you good sir!

[Waiting for Godot]

If i had one word that word would be magnificent!

[Vaguely Demented]

Wait how did all four princesses get the same night off? Kinda want to see an epilogue where the castle staff has to deal with that.