Part Time Princess

by Caddy Finz

Celestia: Bartender

It's no surprise that the typical Princess has a jam packed schedule all day, every day, save for when they are sleeping. Over the recent years with the addition of Twilight Sparkle and Cadence to bear some of the weight of Equestria and the Crystal Empire respectively, Celestia and her sister Luna have had more time to themselves. After all, it was not until a mere seven years ago that Celestia was overseeing Equestria all on her own and was spared half the burden once her sister returned to rule by her side.

Excluding Cadence's daughter and Twilight Sparkle's niece Flurry Heart, Equestria and their neighbor to the North had a total of four active Princesses for the workload to be distributed to. Therefore, they would each receive a day or two or perhaps an evening in which they could either do absolutely nothing or find something to occupy their time. None of them ever had an appreciation for simply sitting around so the latter of the two choices seemed an easy pick.

Much to Celestia's pleasant surprise, her search for a part time job was short lived as the very first establishment she applied for promptly called her for an interview and gave her the job. Be it that the nervous manager was afraid to say no to his Princess or because he was genuinely impressed by her self taught drink mixing skills, he hoofed over a name badge, a black bowtie and a white pressed shirt with the bar's logo on the front. Perhaps he felt that having the Princess of the sun herself behind the bar would draw in more business. Whatever the reason, she had gotten a simple part time gig and could show everypony that contrary to popular belief, she was a down to Earth girl and knew how to have fun.

It was nine o'clock on a Friday night and ponies began to shuffle in on Celestia's first night on the job. The bar was a clean, respectable establishment aptly named Ritz-ease within an upscale neighborhood but nopony expected to see a white coated alicorn behind the counter as she greeted her customers with a bright smile. The general manager stood near the corner of the large room sweating bullets as he watched with great anticipation as the ponies entering the building appeared torn on what to do. They were there to unwind and relax after a hard day's work and partake in a few drinks but somepony who they dare not behave unprofessionally in the presence of was the one serving the cocktails. They pondered simply turning around and trotting out to go elsewhere but on the contrary, doing so would risk insulting her royal highness and that was the last thing they wanted. What happened next could make or break tonight's business and be the difference between the manager's bonus and a pink slip with his name on it.

"Hey, what's up, everypony?" Celestia called out in the most casual manner she knew how. "Come on in, take a seat, stay for a while!"

It seemed to be working. The casual, laid back demeanor that Princess Celestia was not known for along with the sweet smile appeared to be winning the small crowd over. Slowly but surely, a few ponies stepped forward and ordered their first rounds for the night which Celestia promptly and expertly mixed and divvied out to her customers. Being that she has lived for thousands of years, she was able to take the time to learn a lot of things. Not only was she particularly talented with drink mixing, she had even learned how to Speak Ukrainian and build internal combustion engines, the latter with the help of a physicist she once dated back in the eighties. Indeed, she was a jack of many trades and tonight, she felt confident that bartending would be a fun and rewarding experience.

Many of the drinks ponies ordered were simple bottles of beer or cider but as an hour or two ticked by, they started ordering more mixed drinks of which Celestia looked forward to. It was the perfect opportunity to show her subjects that they need not be nervous in her presence and that she could be everypony's friend. Drinks as simple as screwdrivers were slid across the bar to those as complex as White Russians, whatever they may be, she knew how to make them. Martinis, Manehattans, gin and tonic, mojitos, Bloody Marys, Tom Collins, rum and colas, it simply did not matter what was ordered she could make it fast and perfectly. Though it was late at night, the summer heat that crept in each time the door opened started putting ponies in the mood for tropical drinks as well. Be it an ice cold tequila sunrise, a sweet mai tai, or a passion inducing sex on the beach, ponies could wake up the next morning and say something that very few could.

"Princess Celestia got me drunk! Whoo!" A mare cheered as she stumbled out the door after paying her tab.

After realizing she was too intoxicated to fly home, the buzzed pegasus pulled her cell phone out of her purse and opened an app that would be her ticket home without an injury or an FWI arrest. Within seconds, the phone dinged to indicate that an inexpensive ride was en route to the bar and would be picking her up shortly and just minutes later, her transportation arrived. As she held her phone and compared the late model black Lincoln Town Car to the photograph on the driver's Uber Profile, the vehicle slowed down to a stop in front of the drunken mare. Before she could reach for the door handle, a magnificent blue aura took it and opened the door for her indicating as to why the driver had received so many five star reviews.

"Come hither my inebriated comrade!" The driver, a mare beamed as her passenger stumbled into the back seat. "Help thyself to an ale of ginger and I shall operate this yacht of the land in a manner as to avoid further discomfort!"

"Oh hey, I know you!" The mare slurred as the door closed and the car accelerated. "Your that moon pony! I always thought you were hot!"

"Such sweet flattery has earned thee a five star rat-er...hey thanks, I get that a lot."

Back in the Ritz-ease, things were still going smoothly and it seemed that everypony was having a good time. Those who had taken a more slow approach to their drinking were only slightly buzzed if at all. Ponies were becoming much more comfortable with their Princess being their bartender and even began to develop a new respect for her for she was certainly nothing like the typical untight Canterlot snob. Though she was down to Earth, even she had a limited tolerance for nonsense as a stallion who became too comfortable with her would learn the hard way. A hush fell over the crowd of bar patrons as a drunken unicorn gave Celestia a slap on the rump and no sooner than his hoof come in contact with her flank, Celestia put him in his place.

The patrons cheered as Celestia grabbed the stallion by the mane with one hoof and by the tail with the other and tossed him out the front door where he then landed on the other side of the street. As if nothing happened at all, Celestia maintained her composure and trotted back to the bar with her muzzle held high and resumed her the duties of her part time employment as usual.

"Humph. I bet nopony will try that again!" Celestia huffed as she uncapped a bottle and hoofed it over to a patron.

It was a combination of fun and business as usual behind the bar after removing a patron who had gotten too hoofsy but it did boost Celestia's confidence in that ponies find her attractive. In fact, she thought to herself that she actually got somewhat of a thrill by being slapped on the butt but she couldn't let anypony know that. Though tonight she was serving drinks, she was still their Princess and as such she had every right to expect ponies to keep their hooves off but really any mare does. The least she could ask for was to be treated with the respect anypony deserves.

Still everypony appeared to be having fun and were all occupied with a drink of their own and the company of friends of which to converse with, giving Celestia a moment wipe the counter. After freeing the bar from any and all spills created by the buzzed or otherwise clumsy patrons, she began cleaning some of the glassware when she noticed a stallion on the opposite end. This particular unicorn stallion was accompanied by seven empty beer bottles of which of he slowly peeled the label from and judging by the sad look on his face, he must have had a rough day. Being a bartender and having eons of life experience, surely she could find out what was getting him down and maybe even help cheer him up.

"What's got you down, bud?" Celestia asked as she approached the disheveled and unshaven stallion.

"Hm? Oh, jeez, it doesn't even matter anymore." The sulking stallion whimpered as he looked up at the Princess.

"Aw, c'mon. I'm sure it'd make you feel better to just get it off your chest."

"I just...you'll laugh. I've got nopony to blame but myself."

"You'll get no judgement from me. I promise."

The stallion at first appeared to have his mind set on keeping his mouth shut but as he thought for a moment, he seriously considered opening up about his woes. After all, it wasn't often where he or anypony for that matter would get an opportunity to vent to their Princess. Not only that, who better to get advice from than somepony who has lived for thousands of years and seen everything? Surely he had nothing to lose.

"I've been a horrible coltfriend..." The stallion slurred as he began to weep. "She was the be*burp*st thing that ever happened to me..."

The depressed stallion then took another hearty gulp of beer before he proceeded to speak again.

"...And I took her for granted."

"Aww, I'm so sorry to hear that." Celestia said with genuine sincerity. "We all make mistakes though. Some worse than others. I'm no stranger to those, trust me. What happened with my sister a thousand years ago...I often wondered if there was something different I could have done."

"Yeah?"

"Of course! Like everypony else, I'm not flawless and I don't think I ever will be. So, what happened?"

"I treated her so *hic* bad! We were seeing each other for a year and it all started out great. We never argued before and then we started to grow apart a bit...that's when we started fighting about stuff all the time. Can I get *burp* another beer, please?"

Against her better judgment, Celestia popped the cap off another beer bottle and hoofed it over. In the back of her mind, she had a nagging feeling that she should have withheld any more drinks and informed her drunken patron that he had enough. However she had seen him with a cell phone earlier so she figured that he could call for a ride home or dispatch an Uber if need be.

"When was the last time you talked to her?" Celestia asked.

"Uhh...about a month ago now? Maybe a little less. Ahh dammit, I wanna talk to her so bad! I miss her! I...I...I need her! Waahaahahohoh, I'm a wreck without heeerrr!"

"Then you know what you need to do?"

"Wha? Whazzat?"

"You need to go to her and tell her what you just told me! Tell her you know that you screwed up and that you know how badly you need her!"

"You...you think I should do that?"

"Absolutely! You need to tell her that you're a changed pony! That you'll do better!"

"You think that'll work?"

"I can't promise you that it will...but it's worth a shot! You never know unless you try! What could it hurt?"

The stallion tapped his chin as he gave the idea as deep a thought as his drunken state limiting his thinking capacity would allow. Surely it was worth at least to try it. Some time had gone by and he knew his girl didn't typically hold grudges. He ultimately decided that he would do just that and polished off the rest of his beer before reaching into his saddle bag for the bits to pay his tab.

"Hey, you know what?" The intoxicated stallion slurred as he placed his payment along with a nice tip on the counter. "You're right! I'm gonna go tell her how I feel and win her back! Thanks s'much, Princess!"

"That's the spirit! Celestia beamed as her patron stumbled out the door. "Oh! You do plan on waiting until the booze wears off, right? Right? I'm sure he will."

Much like the first mare and others in between, the stallion pulled out his cell phone and after a few taps on the screen, a nearby ride was en route. Oddly enough, the same Lincoln Town Car that picked up several more patrons earlier pulled to the curb and a blue aura of unicorn magic opened the door as the dulled stallion seemed to have trouble placing his hoof on the handle.

"Well, this area is rather busy tonight!" The mare in the driver's seat beamed. "You especially appear to need a soothing ginger ale! Feel free to implement the use of one of my several regurgitation receptacles for I just shampooed the seats!

"Aww, damn, nice car!" The stallion slurred. "Hey, mind if I take one of these ginger ales for my marefriend? I'm going to her place to right some wrongs."

"And there be plenty more from wherest that originates! Now let us be off!"

Celestia, while still behind the bar hadn't heard what her drunken patron had blurted out regarding his destination and for his sake, it would have been better if she had as his judgement was clouded. That would be assuming he even had any left in the first place. Nevertheless, she had forgotten all about him at this point and shrugged the whole thing off, putting any worry to rest. As such, it was time to mix more drinks for the more responsible patrons who had avoided drinking themselves stupid by taking a break. Little did they know however, by ordering a margarita, she single hoofedly though unintentionally may have ruined the night for everypony, though had Celestia not gotten cocky, she could have avoided it.

"One margarita coming up!" Celestia beamed as the ingredients floated around the bar in her aura.

When the night was young, Celestia took great care with any objects her aura would control but as time went on, her confidence went up and as such, her caution was thrown to the wind. Combine that with a lime that was to be sliced floating about on a crash course to the tip of her magically powerful horn, and one would have the makings of some very serious trouble.

"What the..." Celestia said as a very sour juice dripped onto her muzzle.

The Princess looked up to see the small, green citrus fruit impaled on her horn and the acidic juices dripping down on her face. As if she were frozen in the glare of a set of headlights, she couldn't get herself to move as she and she could only watch as a drop of the stinging juice fell to the very center of her right eye.

"Eeeyahahahahowww!" Celestia screamed as the burning sensation in her eye became all too real. "Ow ow ow ow ow! S-somepony get me some water! Quick!"

Instead of anypony coming to her aid, everypony slowly backed away while their Princess flail about as the sparks flying from the tip of her horn were a rather alarming sight. This would become a vicious cycle as the lack of anypony coming to help flush her eyes or at the very least guide her to the restroom where she could do so only added to her frustration. The more frustrated Celestia became, the more intense the sparks flying from her horn grew until smoke even started billowing from it. Ponies in the bar began ducking under tables as it was common knowledge that if something interferes with the eyes of a magically capable pony, their control over their powers goes out the window. If the situation seemed volatile now, the next blow upon the Princess would quickly top it.

"Okay, seriously, somepony needs to help me out here!" Celestia snapped as she blindly waved her hooves in front of her in search of a glass of water she remembered setting down somewhere. "Oh shit, where did I put that damn, friggin'...here!"

It was uncommon for Princess Celestia to curse in public but her modesty was the last thing she cared about and once she flushed her eyes out, she planned on chewing somepony out for allowing her to endure the torment. Now that she had her hooves around what she thought was the container of water, she could finally ease her own pain and regain her composure. Celestia opened her bloodshot, irritated eyes as much as she could as she picked up the container and threw the contents into her face expecting a nice cool shower but instead getting a flurry of margarita salt.

"Ooowaaaaaahhh!!" Celestia screamed as her eyes began to burn even worse.

More and more ponies ducked under tables and several of the wiser ones bolted out the door after tossing a hoof full of bits behind them so they could at least say they didn't sip and skip. As the smoke wafting from Celestia's horn became darker and thicker, one patron in particular even went so far as to expedite the arrival of her Uber. While Celestia had her episode, the mare outside nervously galloped in place, her eyes darting around and a cold sweat pouring down her brow as she anxiously waited for her ride. Meanwhile, more of the drunken patrons stumbled out of the bar as Celestia blindly galloped about and ran into walls, adding to her pain and frustration. After seconds that seemed like years, a black Lincoln Town Car pulled over at the curb to collect the mare with the cell phone who then proceeded to hop in through the open window before the driver completely stopped.

"Drive!! Drive!!" The passenger frantically screamed, prompting a squeal from the car's rear wheels.

Meanwhile, Celestia's conniption back in the bar is beginning to cause damage, the lime on her horn now catching on fire being the least of her worries. As her horn glowed a bright, cherry red, she and the hiding patrons in the bar would soon experience the true terror of their Princess' magic going awol. Once her horn became so hot that the air over her head started to wave, everypony knew it was all over.

KABOOM!!

A sudden blast caused by Celestia's loss of control over her magic was enough to shatter every single square inch of window and every glass bottle in the entire building. Even the most durable of objects including the heavy pool table and bulky jukebox were not spared damage and were tossed against the outer walls as if they were mere toys. Patrons within the smoke filled bar who were still conscious were now dazed and covered in soot which complimented their scrapes and bruises. Slowly but surely, the smoke began to disperse and the tall figure behind where the counter used to be began to tremble after blowing out the small flame on the tip of her horn. Now that Celestia could see that she had just destroyed the entire bar, she knew that her job there was most certainly no more and she would turn in her charred uniform shortly after she cleared everypony out.

"Um...l-last c-call?"

Comments

[Mix-up]

And all that on the first day of work...

[Caddy Finz]

8633410
And her last!

[RoyalBardofCanterlot]

This would be like going to a bar and seeing your mom (or maybe Jesus) at the counter.
Hilarious story.

[ValNitak Choas]

8764603
not really the bar I go to my mom is behind the counter, then again she work there for most of my life

[Waiting for Godot]

...and it was all going so well!

[ShadowLDrago]

It was nine o'clock on a Friday night and ponies began to shuffle in

Is that a Piano Man reference?

[Caddy Finz]

10238683
Yes :3

Edit: oh I almost forgot. I also have several various pop culture references that I'm just waiting for folks to point out and get a good laugh from in many of my other stories. One in particular that I always get a good chuckle from is at the end of a chapter in "Lovely Misadventures" regarding how disgusting I think a certain brand of soda is. Can you spot it?