• Member Since 15th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 13th, 2012

AmbitiousPony


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There were originally 10 elements of harmony but 4 were lost to history. Follow Violet as she gets her element and saves all of equestria from chaos and change.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 9 )

A pretty good start!

There's a few oddities, though.

First, there's the meteor. Uh . . . that was kinda weird. So Violet's parent's just got blown up by a meteor? I'll give you credit for coming up for an original way for a character to become an orphan, but is that ever going to be addressed again? Was the meteor part of some evil plot, or is it common in the context of your story for meteors to randomly fall out of the sky and blow people up? I know it's supposed to be tragic, but I just found it hysterically funny for some reason. :rainbowlaugh: It's so bizarre!

The only other thing I had an minor issue with was how fast and easily Violet was able to make friends, but theme of this story doesn't doesn't seem to be tragedy so that's fine.

The general quality of writing was good, certainly well above average for this site, so keep it up!

One more thing!

I'd suggest getting a different picture for your story. See how it's only got 14 views? People are going to look at the picture and think "oh, this is just going to be another mary-sue self insert." The pony-generator thing images are a bit infamous on this site.

I quite like this - and I would be happy to make you a cover art!

940977 I would love a cover art! thank you!:pinkiegasp:

940936 Thanks for the compliment and yes, the meteor was kinda of spur-of-the-moment thing :pinkiehappy: The meteor will be a BIG part of the story which has to deal with a villian that has most people go CRAZY over! (hint hint) :raritywink: I was going to have Violet take more time to mourn but i want to hurry through the story because i will be incorporating the mlp episodes in the story, leading up to the Discord episode where things will slightly change. :pinkiecrazy:

Well... Here's what I have to say.

I prefer starting with the bad so the good sounds better. The plot is moving too quickly. I think there should be much more development of Violet's personality BEFORE she meet's Grape and Cocoa. I want to know WHY she isn't talking... Sure yeah trauma and such, I get it. However, wouldn't it draw the readers into the story more if you got into her head and into her sadness, humiliation, embarrassment and abandonment? It just didn't carry to me. You many know your character very well (I know my own OCs very well), but the reader doesn't. And why 10 elements of harmony? If the story is so focused on the 10 elements, maybe you should have done a prologue to just open a little insight into the 10 elements and list them? Why is Violet the element of courage? She seems awfully timid for an element of courage (unless you're going to say courage is bravery in the face of fear).

The good.
Format wise, it's better than some of the other stories I've seen. Quite a few grammar weirdness (somehow a period ended up at the beginning of another sentence), but nothing that just blows me over and makes me rage. You just need to proofread once or twice. Frankly, I like the meteor. It's a good foreshadowing/critical event that might bring something important to story. The characters have potential, but need supercharging. You also need to do some revamp and supercharge of characters. Make the audience get to know them, or even better fall in love with them, sympathize with Violet one way or another or if not sympathize with her, admire her resilience etc.


KK i'm done with that.

945462 Thanks for the input:pinkiehappy: I totally understand about the whole in-depth thing with Violet and the characters around them but i kinda wanted to hurry through the beginning cause i want to get to the meeting of the Mane six with Violet but i also have to explain why she already knows twilight and how she got to ponyville. So that explains the quickness of the storyline. About the 4 new Elements of Harmony, later in the story, i will reveal what they are and who they are :trixieshiftright: Thanks for the comment and i will be fixing some of the errors (those bother me too)

Hey guys! Sorry, i haven't updated in a while but i kinda got depressed and i lost my muse:fluttercry: But i think i have recovered:unsuresweetie: idk... anyway i should have this updated and alot of new stories coming:pinkiehappy:

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