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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Good characterization all around!
I feel like kicking myself for not picking up on the "Work Pants" "Fancy Pants" connection.
Our protagonist's view of the 'future' makes the Equestria we know sound like the Federation of Planets. An interestingly rosy view of a place and time that we know is not without its faults. I wonder how that might play out in the long run.
The end of this sentence feels awkward; maybe 'shaking a can would have ever done'?
Alright. Let's see how they see it.
8743209
Oops, thought I had hit a. Fixed.
Big conflicts have three sides. Two sides with soldiers, and the third lot that are making all the profit.
Just what is going down, in Canterlot.
I like this chapter a lot, but I have one issue. You've got good characterization here, and show the consequences of espousing divergent beleifs in pony society well, but it seems a little filler-ey in comparison to the other chapters. In previous chapters, there's almost always been some sort of reveal that changes our perspective and the protagonist's plan on an issue. The general uplift plan being thrown ou t for starting with sanitation, then that being thrown out because there's a war, then the weaponry plan being thrown out because it's a civil war, but that trend kinda just ends, here. I guess you could say that we learn that not everyone on this side of the border is as pro-Celestia, and that having that kind of stance can get you in trouble, but that isn't anything surprising or game-changing. Anyone could infer that there's probably people that aren't satisfied with their government everywhere, and that, in a monarchy that kind of thinking is punished. It would be more interesting if, for example there is some third party that got labeled as part of or is assosiated unfairly with the rebellion, like a group of ponies that want to keep the Princess/council dynamic but also want more autonomy in how their cities/provinces are run (like proto American Republicans). You could have had Work Pants be a supporter of this group, or even a member/founder of it, and then explain that when the rebellion started public opinion and herd mentality lumped them together with the rebels, so he and others were forced to reject their previous political stances. That would really shake up the situation, and add another possible way of tackling the problem. All in all, just a minor flow issue.
8743879
I nudged them towards Work Pants fairly quickly, I had hoped, but it still consumed most of the chapter getting to the part where he talks. Sorry.
8744112
No need to apologize, this chapter, in isolation is great! It's really the mark of an expereinced writer that they can make literally just the process of walking to where the more interesting things happen be just as enjoyable and characterizing as more plot-important scenes, which you have down pat, here. I'm quite long-winded when it comes to my feedback, no matter if it's something as minor as 'the pattern of pacing out information has been adjusted slightly.' I, personally, get frustrated by criticism of my own work that's vague and short, so I didn't just want to leave a comment saying 'the pacing of this chapter is bad,' especially given that leaving it there makes it look like I'm saying the chapter itself is poorly paced, which is not my intended message. In general, I also don't oftwn comment on stories unless I really do like them, and if I like something I want it to be as good as possible. I simply hope that at some point whatever tangential minor nitpick I amatuerly analyse will be even a little bit helpful to a writer better than I.
8744177
I appreciate that. I do feel that the pacing does need to come down a bit, especially when actions start to be done and steps taken. Right now it's all 'oh god I have no idea what I'm doing!', and Ian is learning and growing.
I'm getting sick of how pushy Easy is being, that and she is being completely ignorant and strong-headed, yet Ian is doing nothing to reign her in. if Pants was a different kind of pony then they would have lost their own co9ntact then and there, Ian NEEDS to be careful with how he goes about this, yet he is just letting Easy do whatever. seriously, get that girl in line
8744221 Thor says,
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I’m starting to see whom Trixie inherits her arrogance from.
HOW DID I NOT MAKE THE CONNECTION.
8744693
I was beginning to worry how nobody remarked about how....Utterly...Obnoxious Easy Breeze is. Rude, insulting, pushy, no sense of piety. Grade-A Pain in the Ass and Ian just...Takes it.