A Post Nuclear Interactive Story (Wars of Change - Shadows of the old world)

by Soviet_Pony_Need_OCs

Chapter One thirteen Negotiating the Kremlin

Chapter One

Page 12

Negotiating the Kremlin

After the group fought off the pursing KGB forces, they quickly scrambled to get ready to bargain with the KGB for supplies to treat the wounds of Red Glare, Tommislav and Hammer Will himself.

‘’You think they really will bargain with us?’’ Fire Tan said worried, ‘’I mean this time they will see us coming and won’t let us off that easily like last time.’’

*sigh* ‘’your right, but what can we do? At least we need them to allow us to pass into the military garrison so we can get help, before this it was just hiding from the Hind and the rebels and we never really had a reason to be here beside to return your little friend there and but now? We need to treat our wounded.’’ Hammer Will said as he roughly picked up the still unconscious stallion and walked towards the bus with his pistol pointed at the stallion’s head and rifle on his back. ‘’You coming with me?’’ He said to Fire Tan.

‘’y-Yes! I’ll cover you.’’ Fire Tan said as she slowly followed behind Hammer Will uncertain of what could happen.

As Hammer Will walked into the bus, the alarm sounded again and soon many armed ponies appeared inside the Kremlin, all ready to fire.

‘’That at least 20 of them!’’ Fire Tan thought, as she gotten even more uncertain, but looking back at Red Glare who won’t survive for long unless she gets medical attention, she decided this had to be done, as Hammer Will walked into the court yard, She set herself up inside the bus by a window, remembering the distance from Hammer Will, she adjust her sights and checks her ammo.

As Hammer Will comes to a stop and show the garrison inside the palace that he is here to have a trade. An intercom broadcast comes online though a hidden speaker.

‘’You Again? Do you have a death wish?’’ The Intercom spoke in a threatening tone.

‘’I’m here to make a deal comrades, this stallion here,’’ Hammer Will says as he points the pistol at his head. ‘’for a medical treatment for my comrades.’’

The Voice in the intercom laughs, ‘’Why should I trade for something if I Can just take it? Plus one soldier isn’t worth the hassle, we can take him back once your dead!’’

‘’Honor of course! Aren’t we are a part of this union?’’ Hammer Will said as he pulled out his party badge.

‘’YOU are a part of THAT union, the OLD union, I’m going to make this country a new! We are no comrades.’’ The Intercom cuts out and then there was silence.

Suddenly an odd noise appeared as both ponies are confused they realized that a Tank had steered out though the back of the Kremlin. A T-80 and it doesn't seem friendly.

‘’Run Him Down!’’ The intercom suddenly came back on.

The Tank roared as it charged at Hammer Will, suddenly it was a game of cat and mouse, the soldiers watched with amusement, some even cheering them on, Hammer Will does his best to dodge the tank but he soon gets exhausted and dodging becomes harder. Fire Tan knew she can’t shoot as this would turn the soldiers aggressive and they would simply shoot Hammer Will down.

Just as Hammer Will seemed to have given up, cornered into an edge and Fire Tan was about to open fire to draw attention, she sees Hammer Will make hoof signal to hold fire, she stops and holds her breath, the tank charges one last time and this time, Hammer Will jumped up on to the hood of the tank and caught the driver off guard and pulled open the latch before he can open it, He slid right in. A burst of gunshots, then there was silence, the soldiers are shocked to see what has happened, just then the turret sprung around and pointed at the Kremlin.

Panic erupted as the soldiers scrambled for cover and some even fired at the tank. Fire Tan picked a few of them off, just then the intercom when back on but this time panicking.

‘’RPG! Get a RPG! Get rid of him, NOW!’’ The intercom screamed hopelessly as the soldiers won’t go close to even showing themselves to the tank and the sniper Fire Tan who are waiting outside.

Hammer Will’s voice came on through the broadcast ‘’NOW can you rethink the trade?’’ He said as he moved the gun a bit to show that he is in control.

‘’yes yes, we’ll send a doctor out right now, just don't do anything that you might regret.’’ The voice on the intercom said but this time without the threatening voice.

A Medic ran out of the Kremlin and ran towards the bus where he treated the group and Red Glares condition improved, as half an hour passed the Medic ran back out followed by Ms. Tommniov who signaled that the Doctor did a good job on the wounded.

‘’As the medic retreated back in, the intercom came back on.

‘’Now can you get out of the tank? Mr…’’ The intercom said.

‘’Hammer Will commissar of the Moscow Industry district. And I’ll leave when my group gets through this place safely.’’ Hammer Will said.

‘’Fine,Keep your weapons down, let them pass.’’ the intercom called out and the soldiers lowered their weapons and the group along Fire Tan slowly passed.

‘’Now that I have done my part of the deal, please give the tank back to us.’’ the voice on the intercom seemed to be getting frustrated.

Knowing not to push his luck, Hammer Will grabbed his weapons and leaped out the tank, not before launching a smoke screen first.

Just as he expected it, as soon as he jumped out the soldiers fired, but the smoke kept him safe.

Making it beyond the compound, they see the Garrison base straight ahead, finally feeling relief and that safety is now far ahead, the group mustered their strength and marched forwards towards the garrison base.

Comments

[Soviet_Pony_Need_OCs]

Guys I understand that my writing skills aren't exactly good and its normal to receive dislikes, but please do provide a reason so I can change it or make it better, if you guys wont do it for me, do it for the people that will read the story after you.

[Irrespective]

Hello Comrade!

I've had the chance to look over a couple of chapters in your story, and from one writer to another, I'd like to share some thoughts. I'm no professional reviewer so what I've got are just my thoughts, given in the spirit of hopeful improvement.

First off, I think the title might need some clarification. I get the feeling you're trying to describe your story in the title, but it makes it confusing. Simple titles tend to catch my eye a bit more than some long complicated one. If you cut it down to Wars of Change, that might help in gaining interest. Use the long description to explain the setting of the story.

Second is the subject of the story. War stories face an uphill battle to start, since ponies are generally peaceful things. It can be done, but you're going to have to tell a pretty compelling story that gets people hooked pretty quick.

That leads to point three, and I think this is where you're losing people: a soviet invasion of the United States needs to take more than 427 words. It's like if I tried to catch your interest in World War 2 by saying Germany invaded Poland, then France, and then Russia, and then the Americans decided to show up. There's not enough of a hook, and you almost could just take the prologue and put it in as your long description. Give us something to be interested in, to make us want to come back. Really, it should be closer to 4,427 words. Expand on the initial invasion, and then the use of the SIMMs.

Also, most of your other chapters seem way too short. For a subject like this, you really need to add details to the events.

Fourth, I always think it's risky to let comments drive a story story. To me it comes across as a bit lazy, because the vibe is you want everyone else to write the story foe you. Implementing ideas from commentors in future chapters is fine, but you should be the one to control the overarching plot and theme. For example, in the story I've got gpu g right now my OC is forced to marry Celestia. If I let the comments drive the story they'd be all over the place in a sea of ever increasing chaos that makes no sense. I've loved and used some of the ideas people have suggested, but I still control the story's direction. I have defined my OC's personality and kept it to what I want, even with various suggestions on what he should do or say. Work out a plot for this, too. Where are you going, what's the end game? You are in charge. Be flexible, but know where you're going.

Last point I'll make is that, to me, this story isn't sure where it is. The main question I wondered was what happened to Equestria? Is this our world, but with anthro ponies, or is this in Ponyland? We have real world places mixed in with Equestrian places. How? Why? Did our two worlds merge? You don't want to overload the reader with questions. If it was me, I'd put it all in ponyland but make Equestria the U.S. and then maybe Yakyakistan as Russia. Since this has Anthro ponies, it's better to have it lean more pony than human (for me at least).

So there you go! Really, I think if you'd expand the world out, give us more details, thst would help out a lot. A good pre-reader or editor might be beneficial too, just take a look around in one of the 'I need an editor' groups and you'll find some help there.

Hope it helps!

[Soviet_Pony_Need_OCs]

!!!MAJOR UPDATE MAJOR UPDATE MAJOR UPDATE!!!

After talking to my friends (whoever that was on that day) about the problem of my story I had realized that the base for the story is horrible and that I have gotten off on the wrong foot, I would LOVE to repay the people who had supported me and liked my story you guys can feel free to come to my steam or account here to ask for a commission (that is if you don't mind my drawing, only been doing this for 3 weeks :P) Its the least I can do, I'm going to send my story back into a major reboot where I will add in more details and fix up mistakes and I will re-post it, I WILL BE BACK COMRADES! URA!

[Soviet_Pony_Need_OCs]

Wars of the Old World (A post nuclear interactive story) Is the official reboot comrades, I will refine all my previous writing and make sure I have improvements, (I hope)

[Russian Bank Teller]

You have sullied your hands with filthy parchments of heresy, writer. How do you plead?