What It was like

Sunset has a quick conversation with twilight about equestrian history which peaks her interest. However still unable to return to her former teacher she seeks out the only ones who know of Equestrians past and still living.

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NaiadSagaIotaOar

NaiadSagaIotaOar #1 · Jul 20th, 2017 · 1 · · A New Revelation ·

I think I like what you were trying to do. Dazzlings are great, it’s cool to see them still being threatening after they’re beaten, it’s good that you’re exploring their role in Equestria’s history, and it’s an intriguing thought that Equestria would have its own Gaia Everfree counterpart.

However, it was very difficult to read and hard to follow. As a result, it was quite hard to focus on the actual story without being very distracted by how you were presenting it. The punctuation and stuff didn’t seem too bad, but there were a number of misspelled or improperly capitalized words and numerous cases where multiple different people spoke in the same paragraph. That last one in particular is a very easily fixed but very disruptive problem. Every time the speaker changes, you should start a new paragraph.

Beyond that, there are also times where you say a lot of things that you really don’t need to say. In the very first paragraph, for example:

Twilight and Sunset was sitting on to the stairway in front of CHS studying for a test they both knew would be piece of cake but, wanted to past the time anyway. Twilight herself had some questions for Sunset that need to ask anyway. She started off by asking Sunset "Where do you think all the evil magic comes from around here?" Sunset had never thought about where the source of evil magic comes from in this world besides Equestria. Still twilights question did raise some interesting questions.

Do you really need to say that Twilight has some questions to ask? She’s already asking questions, which should imply that she has questions worth asking. You don’t need to say it again.
Similarly, why do you need to almost restate the question again right after it’s been asked? Would it be more concise if you just had Sunset say, “I don’t know, I never thought about it”?
Lastly, do you need to say that Twilight’s question opens up some intriguing consequences? If the fact that she’s asking it to begin with doesn’t make that obvious, the following narration certainly does.

I would encourage you to look through the story and just ask yourself which parts you really need. Details are good and they can help immerse the reader, but if they don’t add anything there’s no reason to have them. I think you definitely have a story that’s worth telling, but I also think you need to improve your execution of it. There are one or two more things I noticed, but I remember how daunting it was to try writing fanfiction for the first time and I don’t want to overwhelm you. Just clean up the presentation and trim the parts you don’t need and I think you’ll already have a much nicer story. Hope all this helps!

thestoryteller123

thestoryteller123 #2 · Jul 20th, 2017 · · · A New Revelation ·

8309565
I thank you for your Criticisms. I am glad you liked the story and, I would happily take this comment into consideration going forward with the story. I hope my writing style improves to be much clearer going on

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