What It was like

by thestoryteller123

A New Revelation

Once they made it to the beach they found it was completely empty aside from a few old folk. "They don't seem to be here Sunset," said Twilight. Sunset kept looking around thinking that Aria would never show herself to the public eye. "Well we're not trying to find all three of them Twilight just one of them." Sunset rushed towards the coast looking for a cave or someplace private.

Twilight came behind her asking "What are we looking for sunset?" "We are looking for a cave or impasse that's cut off from the rest of the beach," said sunset as she continued to look for the secret. Twilight and Sunset kept looking for about half an hour until Twilight noticed a small channel of water coming from the far side of the beach. "Sunset look is that what you were talking about?" yelled twilight. Sunset and Twilight made their way towards the channel.

Sunset and Twilight quickly climbed the channel without much difficulty. Once they got up to the top they found a cave that was like a dome. Suddenly a piece of it fell down and, both girls fell into the cave. They both shot up to the surface but, something caught Sunset's eye that started troubling her. She delved back into the water and, could barely see a orange silhouette.

It was as Sunset feared. That silhouette was Adagio. Sunset yelled to Twilight saying "Twilight hurry and, find a foot hold before she get to you." Before Sunset could move she felt Adagio hands drag her down to the depths. Sunset struggled against Adagio and, she was really fighting a losing battle.

She was losing consciousness quickly and, Adagio really has a lot more reason to kill Sunset rather than keep her alive. Twilight saw that Sunset wasn't coming up for air but, before she could dive in Adagio came to the surface. "If it isn't my old friends Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle. Why its just so nice to watch you both beg for your lives before I drown the both of you," Adagio stated. Twilight was scared beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Adagio crept up closer with Sunset in hand. She seemed to tower over Twilight. Adagio let go Sunset and, got closer to Twilight with a look of dark and devious intent. Adagio then said "Seems like you really aren't anything without your friends huh Twilight. Tell me did you really believe you could take me on with this weakling?"

Twilight remembered that she was not the Twilight Adagio assumed she was. She said "Wait I'm not who you think I am. I don't even know who you are." Adagio face became more angered as she said "You really think I'm an idiot do you Twilight? Well just know I'm still strong enough to kill the both of you in a matter of seconds and, no one would know about it."

Twilight was feeling herself lose her nerve. This was worse than the bullies in Crystal Prep since, nine times out ten they were bluffs. This mysterious girl took down Sunset in seconds and, would easily destroy her. Twilight put her hands together and, said "Please don't kill us. We didn't come to bring harm we just wanted some information."

Adagio was a bit curious as to what Twilight would need from her but, didn't care enough to take it seriously. "Well Twilight go ahead and, ask your dumb little question before I ring your neck," Adagio mocked. Twilight didn't know what to ask since she didn't want to trigger an angered response from her. "Well Twilight aren't you going to say something or, will I have to force it out of you," said Adagio. Twilight then realized that she was taking way too long to answer her question.

Twilight knew if it seemed like she was stalling this girl will undoubtedly hurt her. Suddenly Twilight heard two unfamiliar voices from up above. Twilight didn't hesitate to scream for whomever was up there to help. Two people instantly fell in the cave diving head first. When Twilight looked back at Adagio who had a joyful smile on her face.

She then said "Go ahead and, scream Twilight. No one will be able to hear you scream down her besides us." Twilight had forgotten that their was more than just one of them. Two other girls came up to the surface. One with purple pig tails and, the other with a blue ponytail. They all had seemed to put on different attire from when they fell in.

All three of them wore swimsuits with dark colors. One was black with bright orange. The other was purple with blue streaks. The last one was dark blue with blue stripes. Adagio then said "Look girls. We got some has been heroes who think they come and, go as they please."

Aria looked to see Adagio's prize. She then said "Well this is quite the catch Adagio. I would be a shame if they became damaged goods." "Especially if they die before we have some real fun right Adagio?" Said Sonata. "Why of course Sonata we have a lot feeling we want to get through to our visitors," Adagio replied.

Twilight looked at Sunset hoping she would awaken quickly but, only got a slight twitch. Aria noticed this and, said "What you think she is going to save you from us. You should be thinking for yourself right now." Aria began to kick Sunset repeatedly. Twilights heart went out to sunset but, the very fact that neither Sonata or Adagio took their eyes off of her is what scared her most.

True fear was starting to set in within twilight as she didn't know what to do at this point. Twilight gathered what courage she could into a single fist. Before she could throw it though Sonata said "Look at that Adagio it looks like she is about throw a punch." Adagio reply destroyed what courage Twilight had left as she said "They always think their little punches can change their situation. Its almost sad to watch huh?"

Adagio cocked her fist and, readied it towards Twilight's face. Adagio then took the first of many punches at Twilight breaking her glasses. Adagio then said "OH MY GOODNESS that felt amazing. Sonata try this. Its amazing."

Sonata didn't want any part of it as she just wanted to watch. Adagio then turned to Aria and asked "Well Aria do you want any part of this?" Aria then said "Sure I'm tired of kicking this dead horse anyway. Lets switch." Adagio gave Aria a high five as they switched victims.

Before Adagio could kick Sunset to death Sunset pleaded with Adagio. She said "Adagio wait a minute. Please I need your help." Adagio called off Aria and, said "Girls come here. It seems Sunset wants our help."

"Well go ahead and, tell us what you need help with then," Adagio demanded. Sunset looked up at the three sirens and said "You three are the only ones who." Sunset paused due to the pain and, said "You three know of an age before Celestia." Adagio as well as the other Dazzling's didn't know that name too well since they have never heard of her aside from the principal. Aria then asked "You mean the principal of Canterlot High?"

Sunset clarified that "No she is also the oldest of the royal princesses." Aria then turned to Adagio saying "The name doesn't ring any bells to us at all." "She and her sister created the 'Age of Harmony' after you where sent to whatever this place is," Sunset struggled. Sonata then said "We're in Tartarus dummy." Sunset looked up as she was shocked to hear that she could not fathom the idea of living in Tartarus.

"What are you talking about?" Sunset asked. "You really don't know that this place is pure torture. Everyone who were sent here always go through the same trials. We lose our powers and, we practically have no presence here," Adagio stated. Sonata looked to her as she seemed worried.

Aria then said "We use to be queens in Equestria who were served with the upmost care. We were a force to be recond with before that stupid unicorn sent us here. This place is nothing but torture." Adagio added in saying "Our only way out was at the battle of bands but, you took away our only chance of returning to our home. We could have went back to conquering the seas of Equestria again."

"Our power was great enough to overwhelm the great Gaia Everfree. She was one of the last obstacles in our way before we claimed all of Equestria. It was even a great time to do so as well," Adagio stated. Sunset was surprised to hear that Gaia Everfree and the Dazzling's were enemies a long time ago. She wanted to pry but, she knew that adagio would pick up what she was trying to do quickly.

She needed finesse the sirens into spilling more about this world. Sunset gathered herself quickly and, said "Gaia Everfree is spirit that embodies pure nature. How could the three of you take down a force of nature?" Adagio smiled and, said "We already had a plan for Everfree. However we didn't expect her to be at war with a single unicorn mare."

Sonata intervened saying "It was me who spied on her to see what she was good for. Honestly I didn't think she would be so powerful. Anything she didn't like she quote on quote made it better. She turned trees into marble columns and, animals into different statues of herself. Her power was great that I think even that old unicorn couldn't handle."

Adagio carried the conversation further saying "I didn't believe her at first but, seeing her destroy an entire chunk of the Everfree's forests with green bubbles made me realize how much we needed to prepare. Despite how powerful this unicorn was we weren't gonna let her get in our way." "I remember the plan too. You sent me to weaken that old spirit so, I could gain the unicorn's trust. Then we kill her with a sneak attack," Aria added.

Sunset was surprised to find out that their was actually a unicorn who could challenge the great Star Swirl. Then again when you live in a time with tyrants this powerful someone has to rise to the occasion. Still if that pony was sent here that long ago how would she live this long. Not to mention this is still not the whole story. How could he even deal with such madness?

Adagio began to get frustrated as she said "Then after 3 weeks of planning their was no Everfree or a powerful unicorn. All that was found was an old bearded man with a stone book." "Not to mention his change in aura. It was the same as the unicorns. Then he said something about spells like the which he had never seen before," Sonata added.

Sunset thought for a good moment thinkin about a stone book. When she was still Celestia's prized student she ventured into the old royal palace against Celestia's wishes. Upon entering she saw a similar book but, never ventured to get it since, it seemed to be a object best left to time. Still could such a powerful ponies magic still be sitting there? Sunset also remembered that a shadow loomed within the castle itself.

Thinking over what the siren had told her she could only be thankful that such powerful beings don't exist now. Still she could see how bad this place must be based on their story. Their power have been stripped away from them and, I have the only exit they desire. Maybe that can help soon. Matter a fact they would need either me or Twilight to escape into Equestria.

Sunset then said "If you let us live and, go free we will give you a portal to Equestria." Twilight quickly turned towards Sunset with a 'Have you lost your mind' expression. Sunset then said "Its the only way we can both escape plus if they enter Equestria princess Twilight will stop them." Sunset turned towards the sirens to find their glowing red eyes staring her down. Adagio grabbed sunset and told her "If your lying I will sing you to your death little girl."

Suddenly Adagio threw Sunset across the cave on to more rocks. The pain was great and, Sunset was confident she broke something. She then asked "How do you have so much power? We defeated you completely." Adagio floated towards Sunset much to distaste as she could see she was loosing her nerve.

Adagio then said "Oh Sunset we have lived for thousands of years and, we have stooped to all kinds of personal lows. If their is one thing I am happy for is that their are multiple ways to store power. Its small now but, soon it will be like an ocean or power coursing through me. Now lets be on way girls."

To be continued...

Author's Note:

I know their might be some continuity problems in my story some of you might find but, if so I must stress I don't look at the comics or other media besides these movies and the show itself.

As for the cliffhanger i really wanted to put this out in order to see how you all would react and know your criticisms plus know if anyone enjoyed it if so I will continue the story in a sequel and if not i will try something else

Comments

[NaiadSagaIotaOar]

I think I like what you were trying to do. Dazzlings are great, it’s cool to see them still being threatening after they’re beaten, it’s good that you’re exploring their role in Equestria’s history, and it’s an intriguing thought that Equestria would have its own Gaia Everfree counterpart.

However, it was very difficult to read and hard to follow. As a result, it was quite hard to focus on the actual story without being very distracted by how you were presenting it. The punctuation and stuff didn’t seem too bad, but there were a number of misspelled or improperly capitalized words and numerous cases where multiple different people spoke in the same paragraph. That last one in particular is a very easily fixed but very disruptive problem. Every time the speaker changes, you should start a new paragraph.

Beyond that, there are also times where you say a lot of things that you really don’t need to say. In the very first paragraph, for example:

Twilight and Sunset was sitting on to the stairway in front of CHS studying for a test they both knew would be piece of cake but, wanted to past the time anyway. Twilight herself had some questions for Sunset that need to ask anyway. She started off by asking Sunset "Where do you think all the evil magic comes from around here?" Sunset had never thought about where the source of evil magic comes from in this world besides Equestria. Still twilights question did raise some interesting questions.

• Do you really need to say that Twilight has some questions to ask? She’s already asking questions, which should imply that she has questions worth asking. You don’t need to say it again.
• Similarly, why do you need to almost restate the question again right after it’s been asked? Would it be more concise if you just had Sunset say, “I don’t know, I never thought about it”?
• Lastly, do you need to say that Twilight’s question opens up some intriguing consequences? If the fact that she’s asking it to begin with doesn’t make that obvious, the following narration certainly does.

I would encourage you to look through the story and just ask yourself which parts you really need. Details are good and they can help immerse the reader, but if they don’t add anything there’s no reason to have them. I think you definitely have a story that’s worth telling, but I also think you need to improve your execution of it. There are one or two more things I noticed, but I remember how daunting it was to try writing fanfiction for the first time and I don’t want to overwhelm you. Just clean up the presentation and trim the parts you don’t need and I think you’ll already have a much nicer story. Hope all this helps!

[thestoryteller123]

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I thank you for your Criticisms. I am glad you liked the story and, I would happily take this comment into consideration going forward with the story. I hope my writing style improves to be much clearer going on