When a badboy exchange student named Hectic Stars comes up from Appleoosa, he and the Rainbooms become quick friends.He's smart,funny,athletic,and surprisingly magic.
But Sunset has noticed something off about their new exchange student. He seems a bit...withdrawn. Whenever one of them asks to hang out one on one he always insists that the rest of them come along to.
Then they learn something about him that shocks everyone. Now, Sunset has a mission: Hectic Stars is falling further and further into the darkness and she's the only one who can save him. She vows to be his source of light,his sun, that leads him out of the void and stops him from changing...like she once did.
Chapters (1)
Its a nice way to start the story, and I'm looking forward to see where this is going :)
But I think you could use less brackets (leaves more room for imagination;) )
8459337
Ok thanks for the feedback! I'll keep that in mind glad you enjoyed the story!
One thing I advise about introducing new characters is don't describe them, describe how others see them. This here is getting dangerously close to stepping towards Gary Stu territory. He's dark, mysterious, has powers. Stories are built on conflict. Not necessarily fighting has to be involved, but something has to be resolved. This is the hidden reason why a Gary Stu is reviled. People don't like them not because they demand a character flaw, but because a perfect character is far less likely to be an interesting read. It's not a fear of perfection, it's a fear of boredom.
This paragraph is a problem because you're describing things all the way into the third act of the story, I feel. It's the same prob;em with movie trailers that reveal to much. If you know everything, why bother watching the movie? This is stuff that needs to be dialed back.
mustache
You mean to meet at two? And when describing time in conversation, you can just outright say it: two thirty, eight forty-three, etc.
This is something that takes practice to do, but variety is the spice of life. Having a sentence contain only one thought and subject each time isn't inherently bad, but when all of them do, that is when the sentence structure gets repetitive. Try something like this.
Another thing to try not to do. This paragraph is only one sentence and isn't unique enough to warrant its own paragraph it can be combined with another as needed and it's better to have a paragraph be a little longer than having a string of paragraphs that are short and by themselves for no reason.
Also, try to avoid using parentheticals. They are interrupters, so they should only be used in things like first-person when they are directly addressing the reader. They are very noticeable, and I am of the opinion they have no place in fiction.
Also also, this paragraph is a run-on sentence and needs to be broken up a little.
I get what you were doing, but where people having strange names is commonplace, this joke falls flat.
This is an instance where you want to separate the dialogue and the thoughts that follow it, as this:
Reads much cleaner and shows a clear delineation between the two.
You're new to writing, but you've fallen into a trope trap. You don't expand on the four temperaments. Rarity is prissy, Twilight is nerdy, Rainbow is bossy. It's a perfectly fine place to start character development, but it cannot and should not stay that was. Rarity should not act prissy in every situation, because not every situation calls for it. The same applies for Rainbow, and everyone. Their temperament is how they align themselves, but it should not define their every waking moment.
Aaaaaand you've broken the fourth wall for no real reason.
And again.
This entire thing.
There's a line between foreshadowing and surprise. You want to titillate, but reveal too much and you've overplayed your hand. Give people too much and hey won't be surprised by anything that comes next. Disregarding it leans heavily on the fourth wall, but you are outright telling readers things they have no way of knowing. There is a sort of cardinal rule of writing written in gold dust by the pope's cat: Show, don't tell.
Another thing I see is this story seriously needs an editor, but to work with the number of edits that need to be made, I suggest a gDoc and allow someone commenting permissions. There are commas that don't need to be in place, missing spaces, ellipses that need to be fixed, an excess of parentheticals, ectcetera. I am more of a beta reader than an editor, and a comment on a fimfic story is a difficult means to outline what needs to be done when there is a lot of work to do.