Now while I don't mind some comedy and randomness... the following bit:
Needless to say, Thrawn was a little disappointed at Captain Niriz and awarded him with the "Moron of the Week" pin once shore leave was over.
The pin showed an angry cartoon version of Thrawn punching a faceless Imperial Officer on the face while yelling "Idiot".
That was a bit too random. Not only does it seem extremely out of place, even for a less... anal retentive Imperial division... that bit right there seems completely out of character for Grand Admiral Thrawn. I don't see a Comedy or Random tag on this story, but if you intend to continue with that, you really should add them so I know to take my leave.
It's not a question of enjoying comedy. It's a question of the frequency and the placement. The "Moron of the week" pin, complete with a chibi/cartoon Thrawn is just so very out of place with his character that it just derails the story. You're going along, reading, and all of a sudden your train of thought while reading derails in a fireball as you stop and pause, and ask yourself "Did I really just read that?". It doesn't mesh with Thrawn's character at all from my perspective. Sure, I'm willing to grant he might have a sense of humor, but I cannot see him doing something so.. juvenile.
Captain Niriz here is obviously OOC but nobody complains.
You don't know what Thrawn and Niriz does every single time.
I've seen plenty of fics where Thrawn does something OOC but nobody complains.
Whenever the MLP characters do something OOC, almost nobody complains.
Now I have to ask, why Thrawn specifically?
I can have many Star Wars characters do something OOC, but people will get triggered about Thrawn doing something OOC?
Is it because people see him as a super badass always serious military commander?
Or is it because people can't imagine some Human traits rubbing off to him after he spent many years around Humans as a military commander and as a student in an Imperial Academy?
I , for one, do not remember Niriz. So I can't really say anything on his behavior.
Why does one character acting so OOC bug me so much more than others? Well a lot of it has to do with execution. Fluttershy's little "You're going to LOVE ME!" episode during the Grand Galloping Gala was certainly out of character for her, but the build up to it through the episode made it not seem so out of place and was effectively the punchline to a joke that'd been building up for a while. Same can be said for other ponies acting out of character during the show. There's typically a buildup to it that helps put that OOC behavior into context, I guess you could say. RD's near nervous breakdown during the Young Fliers. Twilight's neurotic/psychotic episode during Lesson Zero. To borrow examples from another universe. If you ever saw Stargate SG-1, there was the episode "Window of Opportunity" where everyone was stuck in a time loop, but only two of them remembered it. As they try to figure out a way to break the loop, one of the other characters comments "Well if we're stuck in a timeloop and none of us will remember any of this, you could get away with anything...". Having been repeating the same day for months already, the two who were remembering from loop to loop took the opportunity to go wild, doing some very uncharacteristic things. BUT the setup for all of it let it all make sense and made it all that funnier.
This "Moron of the Week" pin came out of nowhere and seemed very out of place.
As for why does Admiral Thrawn behaving in such a manner bug me? I suppose it's because of how I picture his character. He is effectively the gold standard for when it comes to calm, collected, intelligent, cunning, etc military leaders. I'd say he defined that role for a generation or two pretty damn well. When you have someone as such a great example of a certain archetype of character, it's very hard to see them in any other portrayal. Seeing them some other way comes across as downright wrong. Can you picture the Joker from Batman as anything other than a completely deranged, random, sociopathic clown? I sure can't. If he was behaving as something else, he wouldn't be the Joker, now would he?
And why comment on Thrawn so much compared to others? I didn't on some of the others comment because I figured they were going to be minor characters or not mentioned much for this story. Thrawn however by all indications is going to be a major player in it so I felt something really had to be said.
I will say though that the idea of Celestia being okay with an enslavement or genocidal campaign is downright ludicrous. That the rest of the mane six would blow of Twilight in favor of their own business success on planets that were subject to hostile takeover is just as downright stupid. THAT stuff flies completely in the face of the Elements of Harmony and all that they are supposed to stand for and pretty much every interpretation of Celestia outside of possibly Daybreaker from canon. But again if she or the other mane six are not going to be mentioned much more, not much point in saying anything else.
So Thrawn with a sense of humor I could see. Thrawn with THAT kind of sense of humor I cannot... it just does not fit how I see his character.
You still need an editor. There are all sorts of grammatical mistakes plaguing the story.
Aside from the random pin thing (it gets a bit 'wat' from me), the story is going along quite well. Your attention to detail is good, but there's an unnecessary amount of info dumping. Instead of heaping everything at the reader in one chapter, spread it out if you feel it's necessary for the story. Incorporate it into conversation, actions, and even the plot itself. Don't spend consecutive paragraphs droning on about something that happened in another story far, far away that has nothing to do with the current story. It jars the reader out of the immersion. I hope you don't mind constructive criticism. I want you to succeed.
I am enjoying the story and I want to see where you go with this.
By the Emperor, 144 ships in Thrawn's fleet?! Of which 96 are named?! How many of those names did you get from actual Star Wars sources, and how many did you have to make up?
The majority of the ships excluding the Chiss warships, were sent by the Emperor himself. As for the Clone Wars ships themselves, both Thrawn and Palpatine knew the Unknown Regions is massive and Thrawn would need a large fleet to defend it.
Wait, Thrawn is on a first name basis with the Emperor, or at least has been told the Emperor's name? Badass.
2 days later
I thought Hyperspace jumps were fast? What is this about it taking 2 days?
And finally, time travel in relations to a should-be-quiet/sleepy town in Oregon? ALL HAIL WADDLES! ALL HAIL THE CUTEST CHARACTER! ALL HAIL NEIL DePIG TYSON! I regret nothing.
to anybody that came in his officer- should be office unless you're impling he assign an officer to has sex with people.
but come one - one should be on
I'm afraid the Celestial Alliance will be on the top of the priority list - not should be between will and be
I think you're doing a very good story so I wouldn't let the anti-ooc bother you. People like them will never be happy unless you do exactly like the source.
8416006 that is fast, when you factor in there traveling a distance that we we literally measure in measurements of how far light can travel in a year, i'd say two days is pretty amazing really, it should have actually taken around a week or two.
8415897 he does have a point here. you're going xenolestia but Twilight seems near canon so such a change over a short time makes no sense. now centuries later I could see a shift. I like the concept of Twilight and Thrawn but some refindment of this is possible.
The funny thing is I have very little knowledge of Star Wars. Other than things that I leaned through friends and the internet. Same goes with the side stories and animated series. Only Star Wars film I've seen is Episode 7.
Still, I like this. Nazi Germany esque Equestria vs The Universe. I'm so curious as to why the Mane Six betrayed Twilight, though. None of them seem greedy enough for the little thing about it being for their businesses being a good explanation.
They both got up and left the room. Their room was on the same floor as Thrawn's own bedroom and his office anyway so it was a short walk. The hallway was mostly empty aside from the occasional officer or patrol.
When they finally made it to his officer, the Stormtroopers recognized them easily and as per Thrawn's orders, opened the door for them.
So they don't have a guard or anything? Even if Thrawn trusts them enough to leave them alone on his ship he should at least assign someone to show them around and otherwise guide them, that's just common courtesy to guests who have never even seen an ISD before much less been in one.
Sooo...I have little to no clue about EU Star Wars lore (I’m more of a 40k guy) but will that ‘disqualify’ me from reading (and understanding) this fic?
The pin showed an angry cartoon version of Thrawn punching a faceless Imperial Officer on the face while yelling "Idiot".
I dunno'. Personally, I kind of like this line. I don't object to a few OOC moments, even for Thrawn. It's what makes Fanfiction fun. Don't get me wrong, completely changing his personality would grind me' gears quite a bit but this scene? It made me chuckle.
Nobody was safe from the "Moron of the Week" pin, even Admiral Krennel when he tried to damage one of Thrawn's paintings before his arm was cut off by Rukh.
Talk about Adding Insult To Injury! I can just see Thrawn walking out of the shadows as Krennel kneels bleeding and cursing in pain on the floor, Rukh standing over him with blade raised, and just nonchalantly pins the badge to him. Reminds me of this.
Where are you brother?
Send him your prayers...
Thrawn sat back as he watched Lescah drink from his bowl of water.
Why do I find that so adorable?
He tip toed past Spike and hugged the wall. Niriz made a quick peek around the corner to see Thrawn drinking a cup of wine, listening to classical music, and petting Lescah who was on his lap.
Genius at work.
Still kind of confused at how Equestria was brought to this level but I'll keep open-minded. Enjoying the Star Wars stuff immensely.
The most favored tactic by the Alliance Commanders are to send in Changelings to assassinate the leaders.
Meh, the Empire functions on murdering its own brass, lol. This isn't a danger at all and Palpatine or Vader...lol!
They'll sabotage enemy ships, installments, factories, shipyards, you name it.
Well, unfortunately for them, the Empire is incredibly paranoid. Besides, it's sheer size is so ridiculously immense that even if it lost all of its industrial capability and leadership, it would still effortlessly curbstomp.
So relatively around the same size as the CIS and Hutt Space combined.
That is unlikely. The Galactic Republic was tiny compared to the Galactic Empire, but even then Hutt space and CIS space combined would have taken up too much room. With the size of the Empire, I don't think there is physically enough room in the galaxy not under Imperial control that is the size of Hutt and CIS space combined. Or even just CIS space, and Hutt space under the Empire was more like a puppet than a sovereign territory.
For anyone who thinks two days is a long time to go from the edge of the Unknown Regions to Imperial Center, keep in mind it takes about two weeks of hyperspace travel to cross from one end of the galaxy to the other. Two days to go roughly half that distance is...actually probably unrealistically fast for Star Wars, but what ever.
On an unrelated note, does anyone else find Thrawn's assassination by the Noghri totally nonsensical? Everything they've done indicated they viewed deals on an individual level, not national. They wouldn't have seen it as the Empire betraying them, they'd have seen it as Vader betraying them (and indeed described it as Vader betraying them when they confronted Luke about it, IIRC). Plus, with how Thrawn did things, they would have seen not only that he was ignorant of the issue but also, even if they didn't consider ignorance an excuse, they would have seen that he was the sort of person who would make good on their deal with Vader instead of tricking them and would have approached him with the issue to get their planet fixed. Basically, I think Thrawn was killed because the writers had realized they backed themselves into a corner: there was no way in Hell that Thrawn was going to fail to re-conquer the galaxy and be such a good ruler than the galaxy would love him for it. So, he had to die and they just grabbed the first thing that popped into their heads.
Now while I don't mind some comedy and randomness... the following bit:
That was a bit too random. Not only does it seem extremely out of place, even for a less... anal retentive Imperial division... that bit right there seems completely out of character for Grand Admiral Thrawn. I don't see a Comedy or Random tag on this story, but if you intend to continue with that, you really should add them so I know to take my leave.
And then there was this:
*rolls up newspaper*
NO!!! Bad Author!! BAD!!!
I agree with 8415818. While the moron pin was worth a chuckle, it's just not something I can see Thrawn actually doing.
8415818
It's usually just small snippets.
Also, Thrawn can't always be serious 24/7, so I gave him a little humorous side.
The most you're gonna get of Thrawn's emotions are just small smirks.
Everyone has a humorous side, even I think Admiral Krennel has his own humorous side, though inputing that in the story is undecided.
If you can't handle a little comedy, then leave. I won't judge you, it's your choice.
8415825
OOC, but to be honest with you, it's probably gonna be the most you're gonna get from Thrawn.
Thrawn actually laughing is pushing it further.
Thanks for the update!
Personally, I figure that the isb gets less love than the local irs agent and deserves even less.
8415827
It's not a question of enjoying comedy. It's a question of the frequency and the placement. The "Moron of the week" pin, complete with a chibi/cartoon Thrawn is just so very out of place with his character that it just derails the story. You're going along, reading, and all of a sudden your train of thought while reading derails in a fireball as you stop and pause, and ask yourself "Did I really just read that?". It doesn't mesh with Thrawn's character at all from my perspective. Sure, I'm willing to grant he might have a sense of humor, but I cannot see him doing something so.. juvenile.
8415851
Everyone does something juvenile.
Captain Niriz here is obviously OOC but nobody complains.
You don't know what Thrawn and Niriz does every single time.
I've seen plenty of fics where Thrawn does something OOC but nobody complains.
Whenever the MLP characters do something OOC, almost nobody complains.
Now I have to ask, why Thrawn specifically?
I can have many Star Wars characters do something OOC, but people will get triggered about Thrawn doing something OOC?
Is it because people see him as a super badass always serious military commander?
Or is it because people can't imagine some Human traits rubbing off to him after he spent many years around Humans as a military commander and as a student in an Imperial Academy?
8415858
I , for one, do not remember Niriz. So I can't really say anything on his behavior.
Why does one character acting so OOC bug me so much more than others? Well a lot of it has to do with execution. Fluttershy's little "You're going to LOVE ME!" episode during the Grand Galloping Gala was certainly out of character for her, but the build up to it through the episode made it not seem so out of place and was effectively the punchline to a joke that'd been building up for a while. Same can be said for other ponies acting out of character during the show. There's typically a buildup to it that helps put that OOC behavior into context, I guess you could say. RD's near nervous breakdown during the Young Fliers. Twilight's neurotic/psychotic episode during Lesson Zero. To borrow examples from another universe. If you ever saw Stargate SG-1, there was the episode "Window of Opportunity" where everyone was stuck in a time loop, but only two of them remembered it. As they try to figure out a way to break the loop, one of the other characters comments "Well if we're stuck in a timeloop and none of us will remember any of this, you could get away with anything...". Having been repeating the same day for months already, the two who were remembering from loop to loop took the opportunity to go wild, doing some very uncharacteristic things. BUT the setup for all of it let it all make sense and made it all that funnier.
This "Moron of the Week" pin came out of nowhere and seemed very out of place.
As for why does Admiral Thrawn behaving in such a manner bug me? I suppose it's because of how I picture his character. He is effectively the gold standard for when it comes to calm, collected, intelligent, cunning, etc military leaders. I'd say he defined that role for a generation or two pretty damn well. When you have someone as such a great example of a certain archetype of character, it's very hard to see them in any other portrayal. Seeing them some other way comes across as downright wrong. Can you picture the Joker from Batman as anything other than a completely deranged, random, sociopathic clown? I sure can't. If he was behaving as something else, he wouldn't be the Joker, now would he?
And why comment on Thrawn so much compared to others? I didn't on some of the others comment because I figured they were going to be minor characters or not mentioned much for this story. Thrawn however by all indications is going to be a major player in it so I felt something really had to be said.
I will say though that the idea of Celestia being okay with an enslavement or genocidal campaign is downright ludicrous. That the rest of the mane six would blow of Twilight in favor of their own business success on planets that were subject to hostile takeover is just as downright stupid. THAT stuff flies completely in the face of the Elements of Harmony and all that they are supposed to stand for and pretty much every interpretation of Celestia outside of possibly Daybreaker from canon. But again if she or the other mane six are not going to be mentioned much more, not much point in saying anything else.
So Thrawn with a sense of humor I could see. Thrawn with THAT kind of sense of humor I cannot... it just does not fit how I see his character.
8415897
You know what I just realized.
You're complaining about something minor.
I can make Thrawn worse.
A lot worse
You still need an editor. There are all sorts of grammatical mistakes plaguing the story.
Aside from the random pin thing (it gets a bit 'wat' from me), the story is going along quite well. Your attention to detail is good, but there's an unnecessary amount of info dumping. Instead of heaping everything at the reader in one chapter, spread it out if you feel it's necessary for the story. Incorporate it into conversation, actions, and even the plot itself. Don't spend consecutive paragraphs droning on about something that happened in another story far, far away that has nothing to do with the current story. It jars the reader out of the immersion. I hope you don't mind constructive criticism. I want you to succeed.
I am enjoying the story and I want to see where you go with this.
By the Emperor, 144 ships in Thrawn's fleet?! Of which 96 are named?! How many of those names did you get from actual Star Wars sources, and how many did you have to make up?
Wait, Thrawn is on a first name basis with the Emperor, or at least has been told the Emperor's name? Badass.
I thought Hyperspace jumps were fast? What is this about it taking 2 days?
And finally, time travel in relations to a should-be-quiet/sleepy town in Oregon? ALL HAIL WADDLES! ALL HAIL THE CUTEST CHARACTER! ALL HAIL NEIL DePIG TYSON! I regret nothing.
8416006
Hyperspace is not instant.
They're traveling from the edge of the Unknown Regions to Imperial Center in the Inner Core.
That's pretty fucking far.
Oh, and I'm still not done with GF yet.
to anybody that came in his officer- should be office unless you're impling he assign an officer to has sex with people.
but come one - one should be on
I'm afraid the Celestial Alliance will be on the top of the priority list - not should be between will and be
I think you're doing a very good story so I wouldn't let the anti-ooc bother you. People like them will never be happy unless you do exactly like the source.
8415929
And if you do, you'll likely lose readers. So have fun with that.
8416222
I'm showing you that you're complaining about something completely minor compared to what I could've done.
Also, I'm writing fics on Fimfiction out of simple pleasure. I don't give a damn if I get a thousand dislikes or a thousand likes.
I don't generate money out of this anyway. If I do, than that's a completely different story.
8416006
Also, the majority of these names I made up.
I've already given hints on what the twins are doing right now. They are after all, grown up.
These GF references will tie in with another one of my fic (which I haven't done yet) and a Gravity Falls crossover fic I was thinking of doing.
and still i find myself wondering, well thrawn be the mentor in question?
or well palpetine himself see a potential dark Jedi in front of him?
but seriously keep going your insight into this universe is very good.
8416006
that is fast, when you factor in there traveling a distance that we we literally measure in measurements of how far light can travel in a year, i'd say two days is pretty amazing really, it should have actually taken around a week or two.
8415897
he does have a point here. you're going xenolestia but Twilight seems near canon so such a change over a short time makes no sense. now centuries later I could see a shift. I like the concept of Twilight and Thrawn but some refindment of this is possible.
8416604
I'm going with the idea of the Council slowly becoming corrupted with the exception of Twilight.
8416196
It's not the anti-ooc that bother me, but the fact that one very minor part of the story is enough for the guy to say he'll take his leave.
One little part is enough to trigger him that much.
That's like giving a story a dislike because the main character's name is Dylan and you don't like the name Dylan.
8416634
Well hope that is exp!aimed more in the future.
8416680
It will. There always hidden motives.
Also, I didn't like the idea of Twilight knowing everything. Being unpopular, of course they're always going to do something behind her back.
8416719
Like I said this has my interest. May not are with every choice you make but not unreadable yet.
8416366
And it doesn't change the fact what you DID do, I still don't like. So it's lose/lose I suppose.
8416782
If you don't like, then that's fine.
I'm only writing this out of simple pleasure.
The funny thing is I have very little knowledge of Star Wars. Other than things that I leaned through friends and the internet. Same goes with the side stories and animated series. Only Star Wars film I've seen is Episode 7.
Still, I like this. Nazi Germany esque Equestria vs The Universe. I'm so curious as to why the Mane Six betrayed Twilight, though. None of them seem greedy enough for the little thing about it being for their businesses being a good explanation.
8416870
I love it!
I really enjoyed reading this.
I need more this is so good! Can't wait for the battle of equestria.
So they don't have a guard or anything? Even if Thrawn trusts them enough to leave them alone on his ship he should at least assign someone to show them around and otherwise guide them, that's just common courtesy to guests who have never even seen an ISD before much less been in one.
8421535
Well their room isn't that far from Thrawn's own bedroom and office. It's literally in the same hallway.
Also, after 2 days, it's not that hard to remember a room a few doors down and remember, they're being watched 24/7.
Sooo...I have little to no clue about EU Star Wars lore (I’m more of a 40k guy) but will that ‘disqualify’ me from reading (and understanding) this fic?
8493030
I mean, you don't have to know the EU, but you can at least look up the characters, planets, ships names, etc.
It's recommended to get an idea of what's going on and what might happen.
More boring and less action and/or retribution on the Alliance.
I dunno'. Personally, I kind of like this line.
I don't object to a few OOC moments, even for Thrawn. It's what makes Fanfiction fun.
Don't get me wrong, completely changing his personality would grind me' gears quite a bit but this scene? It made me chuckle.
Talk about Adding Insult To Injury!
I can just see Thrawn walking out of the shadows as Krennel kneels bleeding and cursing in pain on the floor, Rukh standing over him with blade raised, and just nonchalantly pins the badge to him.
Reminds me of this.
Send him your prayers...
Why do I find that so adorable?
Genius at work.
Still kind of confused at how Equestria was brought to this level but I'll keep open-minded.
Enjoying the Star Wars stuff immensely.
I wonder if Commander Pharo will be included?
Meh, the Empire functions on murdering its own brass, lol. This isn't a danger at all and Palpatine or Vader...lol!
Well, unfortunately for them, the Empire is incredibly paranoid. Besides, it's sheer size is so ridiculously immense that even if it lost all of its industrial capability and leadership, it would still effortlessly curbstomp.
That is unlikely. The Galactic Republic was tiny compared to the Galactic Empire, but even then Hutt space and CIS space combined would have taken up too much room. With the size of the Empire, I don't think there is physically enough room in the galaxy not under Imperial control that is the size of Hutt and CIS space combined. Or even just CIS space, and Hutt space under the Empire was more like a puppet than a sovereign territory.
For anyone who thinks two days is a long time to go from the edge of the Unknown Regions to Imperial Center, keep in mind it takes about two weeks of hyperspace travel to cross from one end of the galaxy to the other. Two days to go roughly half that distance is...actually probably unrealistically fast for Star Wars, but what ever.
On an unrelated note, does anyone else find Thrawn's assassination by the Noghri totally nonsensical? Everything they've done indicated they viewed deals on an individual level, not national. They wouldn't have seen it as the Empire betraying them, they'd have seen it as Vader betraying them (and indeed described it as Vader betraying them when they confronted Luke about it, IIRC). Plus, with how Thrawn did things, they would have seen not only that he was ignorant of the issue but also, even if they didn't consider ignorance an excuse, they would have seen that he was the sort of person who would make good on their deal with Vader instead of tricking them and would have approached him with the issue to get their planet fixed. Basically, I think Thrawn was killed because the writers had realized they backed themselves into a corner: there was no way in Hell that Thrawn was going to fail to re-conquer the galaxy and be such a good ruler than the galaxy would love him for it. So, he had to die and they just grabbed the first thing that popped into their heads.
9812635
Honestly, I could never get the time it takes to travel in hyperspace down. Really confuses me.
9812692
Doesn’t help that Disney has thrown hyperspace travel time out the window.
Yay! Ruhk! The only animated character who intimidates me.