“So…” Raven shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Moon Shine? That’s what you decided to run with?”
“Yes. Is that a problem?” asked Luna, her disguise perfectly in place. Now that Raven knew Moon Shine’s true identity, she would never be able to look at her the same. A few days prior, Raven was terrified to wake Luna for lunch. Now, she was buying a round of drinks for the Mare of Darkness.
In that moment, Raven realized that her life was absolutely absurd.
“It’s just… A little on the nose, don’t you think?”
Luna drained her glass, sliding it to the middle of the table when she was finished. Raven couldn’t quite tear her eyes away from “Moon Shine”. Raven still couldn’t believe that she had just cussed out the Princess of the Night, nor that it had turned out as well as it had.
“What do you mean? On the nose in what way?” asked Luna.
“You’re going around to bars and calling yourself ‘moonshine’. I mean, I didn’t think anything of it because I thought that was your real name,” said Raven. “But if you chose it… Just seems a bit heavy-hooved.”
“Are we really talking about this? Your friend put me on the spot, okay?” Luna rolled her eyes, helping herself to another drink. “I never intended to talk to anypony. I panicked.”
“The Princess of the Night panicked?”
“Say it a bit louder next time, there might be some ponies at the bar who didn’t hear!” hissed Luna. She drained another beer, amazing Raven with her ability to hold her liquor. Luna must’ve been five or six drinks in, and she didn’t seem affected. “Hm… Is your friend going to be okay?”
“Probably.” Raven waved her hoof in Garrus’ face, his stare blank and glazed. “I think you broke him with your little revelation.”
“You seem to be taking things pretty well, yourself,” noted Luna.
“Well, I realized something. I realized that you shouldn’t be here. That’s why you were so upset about us almost blowing your cover,” said Raven with a mischievous grin. “You can’t snitch on me or else you’ll incriminate yourself. I’ve got immunity.”
“That is a fair assumption to make, Inkwell.” Luna grinned herself, matching and exceeding Raven’s self-satisfaction. “What you failed to consider is that I can simply manipulate my sister’s dreams until she thinks she wants to fire you and blacklist you from ever working in Canterlot again.”
It fell silent, at which point Raven adopted a blank, glazed stare similar to Garrus.
“I’m screwing with you, Inkwell. I have no desire to do that,” sighed Luna. “However, I will be keeping an eye on you and your friend for the time being. Just to ensure that you keep my little secret.”
“Hey, I have a question,” said Garrus, snapping out of his trance.
“Ah, so the griffon lives. What is it?”
“Why exactly are you here?” Luna tilted her head in confusion at that. “Well, you’re a… you’re a princess, for Pete’s sake. Do you really need to go to a shitty bar like this?” Garrus’ eyes went wide, and he slapped his claws over his beak. “Er… Pardon my language, your majesty.”
“Seriously, cool it with the royalty thing. You know what, new rule. Royal decree,” said Luna, raising her hoof as if addressing her subjects (which, in a way, she was). “When we’re within the walls of the bar, you treat me like a normal pony. I give you my word that nothing you say will matter to me in any facet. Frankly, I probably will forget the subject of our conversation by morning, so just be normal.”
“He does bring up a good question,” said Raven. “Why are you here?”
“Because Big Sister doesn’t allow anything stronger than shitty noble wine at home, and I need something a bit stronger to get the edge off. Speaking of…” Luna waved across the bar at the barmaid. “Hey! How about something stronger?” The barmaid stopped at the bar for a moment before approaching their table with a tray holding a bottle of tequila and three shot glasses, which she set on the table.
“You three getting along now?” asked the barmaid.
“Booze’ll do that to you,” said Luna. “And I admire somepony who sticks up for their friends.”
“That’s good. Just try not to cause a fuss in my bar again, okay?” The barmaid smirked, then returned to tend to the bar. Luna poured out shots, immediately taking one down.
“So, what have you two been up to?” asked Luna. “You work in the castle, right? Solar Guard Griffon? And Inkwell, you’re a secretary or something, right?”
Raven felt her eye involuntarily twitch due to the vast, gross oversimplification of what she did for a living.
“I am the personal assistant and Royal Adviser to the Princess of Equestria,” said Raven through gritted teeth. “I am responsible for keeping the princess on schedule, aiding her with any and all tasks, and making sure the cogs in the machine are running smoothly.”
“So you’re basically Tia’s foalsitter.”
“I… Actually, that’s pretty accurate. With respect, it can get really frustrating. She’s so…”
“Stupid? Oblivious? Naive?” Luna yawned, as if she had heard this time and time again. “Yes, she’s always been rather air-headed. Her life has gone so well for so long that she never needed to develop a reasonable sense of skepticism.”
“Wow,” said Garrus. “You too?”
“Of course you’d understand! She’s your sister!” Raven clapped her hooves. “I can’t believe I never thought to talk to you about this before!”
“Yeah, yeah, lay it out,” said Luna, taking a second shot. “What did she do this time?”
“She invited this sleazy reporter to her room for an interview,” explained Raven. “And she intentionally leaked some scandalous images so she has an excuse to pose for some ‘beauty magazines’. The sort your dad keeps in the shoebox under the bed.”
“Son of a bitch!” hissed Luna. “Are you serious?! She’s trying this thing again?!”
“Uh…”
“Damn it, I have to go!” Luna tossed out a few bits onto the table. “I’ll see you two tomorrow, I’ve got to put an end to this before it’s too late.” She jumped up from the table and ran for the door, pausing a few meters from the table. “Griffon, Inkwell, this stays between us, okay?”
And, before either Raven or Garrus could say anything to stop her, she was gone. Raven looked to Garrus, then grabbed her shot and knocked it back.
“Really?” Garrus shook his head in disapproval. “Haven’t you had enough?”
“I’m gonna be honest with you, Gary,” said Raven. “I don’t think all of the booze in Equestria will be enough to make that make any sense. So, you gonna join me or sit there and be boring?”
Garrus sighed, swiped up a shot, and downed it.
“If I’m hungover at work tomorrow, I’m blaming it on you,” said Garrus. “Pass the bottle.”
“Now you’re talking, chief.”
“I quite like the pink one… What do you think, Raven?”
Raven looked up from her “notes”, which consisted entirely of superficial beauty literature and magazines that she was absolutely ashamed to have purchased, rosy-cheeked and unable to look her princess in the eye. The throne room had been cleared out, thankfully, so Raven had only share the room with Celestia herself. The Princess of the Sun was holding a pink bikini with her magic, seeing how the color compared in the light. Next to her throne was a clothes rack with roughly two dozen bathing suits of varying degrees of decency. Apparently oblivious to the unorthodox nature of the day’s agenda, Celestia conducted the process of selecting her outfits for the photoshoot with the same elegance, sophistication, and nobility as she would a diplomatic meeting with the ruler of a neighboring kingdom.
Simply put, the whole situation was rather bizarre.
“Erm… I’m not sure,” said Raven. “Maybe… that gold one?”
Celestia set the bikini onto the rack, then grabbed the gold one that Raven had pointed out. It was a simple one-piece bathing suit, a glittering golden color. Celestia looked it over, inspecting it and imagining how she might look in it.
“I worry that this one might… How do I put this…” Celestia thoughtfully stroked her chin. “I worry it will… accentuate some facets of my form that I am not entirely comfortable with.”
Holy hell, is that modesty I hear?
Raven shook her head, knowing it was too soon to hope. Celestia had effectively sent her assistant to fetch softcore pornography for her. As far as Raven was concerned, Celestia was unfamiliar with the term “modesty”.
“Whatever do you mean, your majesty?” asked Raven.
“I hesitate to admit it, but I think I might be putting on a few pounds.” Celestia poked at her stomach, which was developing a bit of a pudge (though Raven, nor any of the castle staff, would dare say that to her face). “I worry that this might make me look a bit fat.”
Nope, not modesty. Just vanity.
Raven shoved the sarcastic remark out of her head for the time being. Her only hope to preserve some semblance of decency and purity in Equestria’s matriarch would be to convince Celestia to wear the comparatively conservative one-piece. The best chance at that would be to put Celestia’s fears to rest, whether through honest observations or bold-faced lies.
“I don’t see it, your highness,” said Raven. “You seem as thin as ever.”
“Lying is unbecoming, Raven,” said Celestia with a smirk. “Come, you must have noticed. I’ve put on at least ten pounds. I’m growing positively chunky these days.”
“Nonsense, Princess. Though, if you are concerned, perhaps you should try it on? Put your fears to rest?”
“Hm… I suppose that makes sense,” said Celestia, rising from her throne. “Alright, Raven. Turn around.”
Raven sighed, but turned her back to the princess. While Celestia dressed, Raven was free to move her thoughts from defense to offense. Preston’s story was still fresh in her mind, and she wanted to get her revenge as soon as possible. She wasn’t exactly sure what she would do if she could get her hooves on that sleazy, self-serving reporter, but she was determined to make his life a living hell.
“Alright, Raven,” said Celestia finally. “Turn around.” Raven did as she was told, and immediately wished that she hadn’t.
Raven had been Celestia’s official assistant for twenty-three years, starting the job when she was just nineteen. Before even that, she was her mother’s apprentice for five years before that, marking her total time spent working the castle, near and around Celestia, as twenty-eight years. In those nearly three decades of essentially living in Canterlot Castle, Raven had seen a whole lot of Princess Celestia, some things she had been sworn never to repeat to another living soul.
That said, Raven had never seen Celestia’s swaying flank in what was effectively a sparkly golden thong.
“Erm… P-princess?” Raven tried to look pretty much anywhere that was directly at Lady Sun’s swinging moon, but the sheer absurdity of the whole affair was making that pretty hard. “I didn’t realize that this suit was so… Provocative…”
The bathing suit looked very different now that Celestia was wearing it. It seemed that it was originally made for a normal pony; a unicorn or pegasus, if Raven had to guess. It didn’t take into account Celestia’s above-average size, and thus fit much differently than originally intended. What should have been a conservative, covering piece ended up hugging the princess’ curves, sitting snugly and appearing more like a thong than anything.
“So? How do I look?” Celestia looked back over her shoulder, giving a wink and a minxy smile. “Would this sell magazines?”
“Are you asking me to c-comment on your flank?” asked Raven, her face positively glowing red.
“Oh, come now, Raven, we’re both adults. And you’re an attractive mare yourself, your opinion matters a great deal to me,” said Celestia. She bounced her rear slightly in Raven’s direction. “Give me your honest first thoughts. Picture this; You’re a spry, young stallion, and you see a mare like me approaching. Naturally, as I walk past, you catch a glimpse from behind. And this is what you see.” Celestia smiled her sultry, seductive smile. “What do you say?”
Raven’s mind was going blank, the words and ideas required to get herself out of this situation just evaporating on the spot. Her tongue tied itself into a knot, and she felt that Celestia knew that. The princess’ smirk morphed from sensual to smug as time went on, which only embarrassed Raven more.
“Raven? I’m waiting. How would you describe me?” Celestia giggled, both for effect and out of amusement. “Would you describe me as stunning? Eye-catching?” She bounced her eyebrows suggestively. “Sexy?”
“Um…”
Suddenly, the throne room doors blew open. Princess Luna stomped into the room, a cold glare and a sharp scowl displayed on her face. Celestia saw her sister and smiled, despite a single bead of sweat rolling down her forehead.
“Celestia! Enough of your games!” said Luna, slamming the door behind her.
“Oh, thank the Goddess above,” mumbled Raven. A bit louder, she said, “I’ll just be going, work is piling up and—”
“Stay. We may yet require your assistance.” Luna crossed the room with power and purpose, stopping just beside Raven, who was swearing under her breath. She thought she had gotten away. “We would like to inquire as to why Our schedule was pushed ahead so far? Our agenda for later tonight has been pushed forward to now. We managed to finish everything in time, thankfully, but somepony obviously tampered with my schedule. What have you to say of that, sister dearest?”
“Clerical error,” said Celestia brightly, her eyes shut to avoid looking directly at Luna.
“And why was a whole company of Our Lunar Guard awake at this time and tasked with keeping Us as far away from the throne room as possible?”
“Perhaps they simply wanted you to get the beauty sleep you rightfully deserve.” Celestia was sweating a bit more profusely now, still avoiding eye contact with her sister.
“Perhaps, but this leaves one final question. Why are you offering yourself to your assistant?”
“Ah.” Celestia seemed to only then remember the position she was in and proceeded to turn her backside away from her sister and assistant. “Well, the jig is up, so to speak. The truth, then.” Celestia draped her leg around Raven in a warm embrace. “Raven and I have found ourselves in a steamy, passionate office romance.”
“What?!” exclaimed Raven.
“Tia!” Luna puffed angrily, her annoyance with the situation clearly growing.
“Oh, fine. The actual truth. I met with a reporter who took some slightly risque photos, completely in jest and supposedly in complete confidence, when he decided he would use them to run a smear campaign of sorts,” said Celestia, waving her hoof through the air as if Luna was making a big deal out of nothing. “My options limited, I did the only thing I could do. I arranged an equally risque photoshoot, using the already rolling momentum to my advantage. We run these shoots, which boosts national morale. Who doesn’t love sexy mares in skimpy swimsuits?”
“A society that is naked ninety percent of the time, I imagine,” said Luna, rolling her eyes. “Celestia, this was a foolish endeavor. Too many things could go wrong. The public might react all wrong, or somepony more nefarious than your reporter friend may get their hooves on it, or—”
“True, however, Raven already sent the letter over to the photographers and publicists,” said Celestia with a grin. “They’ll be here on Friday. Ooh, since you’re here…” Celestia lifted a swimsuit off of the rack that was similar to her’s, except it was shining silver to contrast with her gold. “I think this would look wonderful on you! Here, try it on.”
“I would sooner attempt to usurp the throne again than put that thing on,” snarled Luna, as if the bikini itself had disrespected her and her family name. “Why in the name of the Goddess would you even suggest such absurdity?”
“Think back to… Oh, it must have been twelve-hundred or so years ago. The week of our Archmage Exams,” said Celestia, a devious grin spreading across her face. “And you went off with your friends on a bit of a bender.”
Immediately, Luna’s face fell. She knew where this is going.
“Tia…” growled Luna.
“Plastered out of your mind, you neglected to study for the test, and I, being the loving, caring sister that I am, allowed you to copy my answers.” Celestia chuckled slightly as her sister shrunk down, attempting to vanish into thin air without a teleportation spell. “And I do recall you telling me that you owed me big time and you would pay me back any place, any time.”
“Celestia, that was a literal millennia ago!”
“And, unless the definition of the term ‘any place, any time’ has changed since I last checked, your offer should still be valid.” Celestia wrapped her wing around Luna, hugging her younger sibling in a way that Luna wasn’t quite fond of. Luna tended to flinch and recoil at any attempts at physical interaction or displays of affection. “Come on, Lulu, it will be so much fun! If you don’t want your pictures published, then fine, but at least come and shoot with me. You’re a beautiful mare, and you deserve to feel that way.”
“Do not call me Lulu,” hissed Luna. “Especially in the presence of the help.”
“For the record, I'll be taking all of this to the grave,” said Raven.
“Come on, Luna, it'll be fun. You used to be upset that nopony appreciated you. Well, why not give them something to look at?”
Luna frowned, her gaze directed at the offensive swimwear. As much as she hated to admit it, she did owe Celestia a favor. Granted, when she originally thought of that favor, swimwear hadn't been invented yet, but the word of a princess is law. As such, she was obligated to grant Celestia her request.
“You are lucky I owe you,” snarled Luna. “Fine! I'll do your stupid photoshoot!”
“You won't regret it, sister. I promise, seeing the way ponies look at you in one of those will make you feel incredible!” Celestia clapped her hooves giddily. “Come, we must get you an outfit! Raven, send a letter to the magazine people, we must…” Celestia trailed off, her eyes glinting deviously for a moment.
“Oh no. That's never a good look,” murmured Raven.
“Raven, I need you to run to Ponyville for me tomorrow,” said Celestia with a grin. “But, for now, take a letter.” Raven nervously produced a quill and a sheet of parchment. “Dear Princess Cadance…”
“Wait… I don't mean to overstep,” said Garrus. As usual, at Ne’er-Do-Wells, Raven had gone on a tirade about her day. Today especially was quite amusing, albeit raising a few questions. “If you're not comfortable answering, you don't have to.”
“Go for it,” sighed Raven, sipping her beer. Today was especially tiring for her, with all of the shameful, embarrassing activities she had to participate in. “Today seems to be ‘Make Raven Blush Day’, so why stop now?”
“Alright, then. That story just made me wonder, and it's really none of my business, but… Are you gay?”
Raven just about choked on her beer. She coughed and sputtered for a moment before recovering.
“What? No! What makes you think I'm gay?” asked Raven.
“The way you reacted to Celestia, it just made me think,” said Garrus. “I've never seen you with a guy, and, based on your own testimony, you were really flustered. I thought you might've had a thing for the princess.”
“It's not like that. Most little girls idolized her during puberty, myself included. She's most pony’s first crush.” Raven buried her face in her hooves. “I don't swing for mares, but everypony has their one exception.”
“I don't know if that's universal.”
“Really? You don’t have one friend who makes you go ‘yeah, I’d hit that’?” asked Raven.
“No, not that I can think of. Also, I don’t think that’s a thing,” said Garrus. “Not in Griffonstone, anyway.”
“Hm. I think we just have to find you the right guy. Somepony small and sensitive. Somepony to snuggle up with by a fire and read cheesy romance novels with.”
“Are… Are you shipping me right now?”
“What the hell is ‘shipping’?”
Garrus was about to answer when their party of two became of three. Luna sat down beside Raven, two whiskeys already hovering in her magical glow. She didn’t say much to either pony she sat with, too busy downing both of her drinks.
“Um… Hi?” said Garrus carefully. “Starting strong there, eh?”
“You would if you were me, Griffon. Big Sister pulled some major bullshit and put me in a less than savory position,” huffed Luna. “I can’t believe she’s still trying to do this!”
“She’s done it before?” asked Raven.
“She’s been having a midlife crisis for the past eleven-hundred or so years! She feels like an old hag, so her solution to that is to cougar it up. You commoners don’t know this, but Tia is a relentless flirt. Simply couldn’t keep it in her pants.”
“Was it really as bad as Raven said?” asked Garrus. “Also, my name is ‘Garrus’.”
“I’m not certain what she’s told you, but I doubt she exaggerated,” sighed Luna. “The average pony simply lacks the creative talent to make this shit up.” She dropped her head on the table, resting her chin against the wood. “I should’ve specified that the favor she called in couldn’t involve humiliating me in front of the entire country.”
“I’m sure it won’t be that bad, your high—” If looks could kill, Luna’s glare would have had Garrus pushing daisies. “Sorry. Moon Shine.”
“You don’t understand. Big Sister will never let me forget this,” complained Luna. “Every summer, she’ll bring it up. And there’s no saying where this path will lead. What starts out as a taste for some softcore photoshoot might grow into something more intense.”
“At which point, I will firmly put my hoof down,” said Raven. “If Princess Celestia appears in a XXX mag, it won’t be while I’m on the job.”
“Yeah, and how well did putting your hoof down work during that ‘steamy, passionate office romance’, huh?” Luna turned one of her glasses upside down, stacking the second on top out of boredom.
“Am I allowed to say ‘screw you’?” asked Raven.
“Take me to dinner and buy me a drink first,” snorted Luna. Raven tipped Luna’s cups, causing the princess in disguise to frown.
“Screw you,” said Raven, sticking out her tongue. Luna looked around to make sure the coast was clear, then partially broke her disguise, using one of her large wings to give Raven an obscene gesture before returning the spell.
“Piss off, Inkwell.”
“Speaking of screwing you,” said Garrus, immediately catching two dirty looks. “Shit, that came out wrong… I was just gonna ask about this exception thing. Raven says everypony has somepony they’d go gay for, and I was curious how universal that was.”
“Along with death and taxes, it’s one of the only constant truths,” said Luna. “You look like you’d swing for a tiny little fem-stallion who likes trashy romance stories.”
“See?” said Raven. “Told you. Who’s your mare, Luna?”
“I have a few. Most of them are dead by now. Of those living, though… Probably Pinkie Pie.” Luna took the flagons on the table and added them to her cup-stack, oblivious to the stares she was getting until she was done. “What? I think she’s cute. A bit too all over the place for anything serious, but for a fling… I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.”
It got quiet for a bit, as Raven and Garrus tried to decide what to do with the information they were given.
“I’m going to Ponyville tomorrow,” said Raven. “And I’m so going to tell her.”
Luna dropped her cups, her expression exploding into fury.
“I will murder you, Inkwell, don’t even think about it!”
This chapter was absolutely hilarious, love how Luna completely understands what Raven is going through with Celestia.
Possibly a sex tag. Depends on how graphic it gets...
Then again... yea, sex tag.
yes
also MORE
if you want to
This explains so much. So very, very much.
Also, I think Raven has a new best friend. Garrus is noce and all, but Luna can actually empathize with her over the living mass of frustration that is Celestia.
Also, I can definitely see a Moon Pie fling. Though between party powers and dream magic, I'm not sure if anyone sane can imagine where it might go.
HOnestly, I'm starting to think that Celestia's smarter than everyone's giving her credit for and is playing them all like a six string for laughs.
8319771
The angle I'm going for with Celestia isn't so much as stupid or crazy, but a silly old bat. Sure, Raven and Luna call her dumb, but that's not fair to Celestia. She's old, and that's a bit of her personality that I personally don't explore as much as I should. People start unraveling mentally when they get to be over 60. What would thousands of years do to a person's psyche?
She does have her moments of brilliance, though. She's sorta like Pinkie Pie in that respect.
Twilight needs to know about this. She will find out about this. Her reaction will be priceless.
Also, I've read enough fanfictions to know that when things get this messy, it's only a matter of time before Discord shows up to make things even messier. This level of chaos is too big a temptation for him to resist.
8319827
Not gonna lie, I never even considered doing anything with Discord. Now that you mention it, the possibilities are enticing...
As for the Twilight thing, keep an eye out for next chapter. Raven isn't going to Ponyville for fun. She's got a job to do.
Well, I mean... I can't say I'd say no to that...
Theoretically speaking, anyway.
I agree with Jphyper, Discord is bound to feel the chaos coming off from all this and come in to add his own personal touch of chaos. As for Twilight.... I think first we need to build a room that is Twilight magic-proof as her reaction is not only going to be priceless but can turn a little messy if she doesn't kepe her magic in control.
I'd add a sex tag, then put a warning in the tile-page description just saying that's it's there for in text jokes.
Is the fem-stallion called Shephard?
8319964
Insert joke about calibrating ballistas.
If Celestia's guards ever catch wind of this, there will definitely be a lot of... standing at attention.
I'm still on Celestia's team, so to speak. I think everyone is blowing this out of proportion, and at this point I can almost believe she's actually fucking with Raven. That being said, the gossip rag douchebag still needs to be taken down. Assuming he's entirely what he appears to be, he's just out to smear Celestia for his own gain. I don't think I can have that. Back to Celly though, it sounds like she's considering a full Alicorn Princess photoshoot, which is awesome. Great chapter.
I suggest only add a sex tag if here is actually sex in it. If it is just implied then out a disclaimer in he description.
8320073
Don't you worry, gossip rag douchebag will get what he deserves sooner or later.
As you can see, Celestia has no qualms with teasing Raven, so you can assume that at least some of the dumb shit Celestia does is her trying to get her kicks at poor Raven's expense.
Do I even want to know what a Pony Bikini looks like? I mean...what would the purpose of the top part even be?
No I don't expect an actual answer.
But yeah, Celestia you do you. Midlife crisis it up. Everyone has the right to engage in some shenanigans from time to time, no matter their age.
But dragging your assistant and sister into your shenanigans is a little inconsiderate.
8319758
yeah, my mind just wont swing that AT ALL. Protective screen from to much internets.
8320137
I find that putting scanty clothing on something that is normally naked is far more sexualized than that thing just being naked. It's a similar phenomenon to pony socks. Show Twilight laying down and reading a book, and it's fine. As soon as you slap some striped socks on her, it immediately becomes 100x lewder.
The purpose of pony bikinis is the same as the purpose for pony dresses: They like the way it looks. The top part is, admittedly, rather pointless, but I would argue the same with certain bikini bottoms in our world. They cover almost nothing, and tend to draw attention to how little they cover.
As for how they look...
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_10_2014/post-26550-0-74400900-1412290310.png
I'm starting to think Celestia is losing her mind, and may need to be put down. I hope Raven Inkwell runs Equestria and gets recognized for it soon. Otherwise Raven may or may not decide that anarchy and assasination is the way to go.
8320078
At a Teen rating, the sex tag is for stories that get rather risqué but fall short of describing sexual acts or genitalia (beyond innuendo).
I think a sex tag is appropriate here.
I don't think it needs a sex tag, just yet anyway. There have been good stories I almost didn't read because they put in a sex tag when the most any pony did in the story was kiss. And there isn't even any kissing in here. But since the subject is more mature I would say make it rated Teen.
*reads chapter title*
Oh boy.
Inky should tell Pinkie. just so Lonnie must thank her one week later for ending her dry spell
A thousand years long dry spell
OMG. THIS IS GLORIOUS!
My cheeks are sore for smiling like an idiot through the whole chapter.
8321218
And soon Pinkie will spend the rest of the story making obscene attempts to attract Luna...
8321403
Frankly, that's funny enough to be a side story on its own. I might have to investigate further...
8321407
Warning: do not read unless your an adult who likes provocative and sensual content.
As the dance party got underway, Pinkie noticed Luna seeming to stay by the wall trying to avoid the many ponies on the dance floor. "Why aren't you dancing too princess?" the pink mare inqured cheerfully, "We would rather dance with the wall..." the lunar alicorn responded. Pinkie immediately grinned before rearing on her hind legs and placed her front hooves on the wall. She began gyrating her hips side to side as her tail swayed, showing off her goods for the entire world to see. she smiled and gave Luna a suprisingly seductive look with her eyes as she spoke with a purr in her voice. "Oh, I always enjoy a good wall dance... Would you like to join me princess?" Needless to say the Lunar princess needed a strong drink...
Only if you knew Raven...
Where does the bikini fit on a pony? It goes to the crotch and the breast area? Is there breast area the same as where our breasts are or is it between the legs? So many questions!
8321584
camo.derpicdn.net/95242c119f49484651dd4c339a13ba4fb2b2770b?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmlpforums.com%2Fuploads%2Fmonthly_10_2014%2Fpost-26550-0-74400900-1412290310.png
I'll bet that swimwear is different for ponies. I'm surprised Raven is still sound and sane.
8321592
Thanks!
Oh god, I see it already. A all Alicorn photospread.
So far, not really. Will it need one? That all depends on you.
Loved the back and forth between Raven and Moon Shine.
Dear lord, I'm just loving how you characterize Luna and Celestia in this story. Even if they do seem to go just a tad over the line to OOC, I really don't care. Their interactions with Raven just work so well.
For the future, if Luna needs something really strong, she should try some absinthe. That shit'll get you screwed up damn quick.
This story defines genius, but I am wondering why it's not considered a comedy since it tends to hold a bit of a light-hearted tone to Celestia (and sometimes Luna) dynamics.
8322381
There’s no comedy tag because it wasn't supposed to be funny. It just sort of happened. I'll probably add it in the future.
I now eagerly await the day when Raven finally says, "You know what? Figure it out for yourself. I quit," and actually does it, allowing us to find out what would happen without her.
8322530
I know it's not straightforward comedy, though I'm not beating you on it. I just can't help but laugh at some moments before remembering the focus was Raven's despair at the situation hehe. Good writing though, I enjoy it Thank you!
8325903
ya you could.... but it would be anypony guess witch is the better cook
8322530
This story is a fantastic example of the characters writing the plot and it's amazing.
...I so badly want to see them react to a character fitting their descriptions somehow meet with Garrus, even better if they replace Garrus' previous obsession with moon shine.
8330340
That's pretty damn funny, actually. Maybe it's a new trainee for the guard that Gary has to train...
Consider this idea filed away for later use
8330507
She's an obstructionist bureaucrat who doesn't know the names of ponies that actually get things done.
8330830
Wrong. She doesn't know the name of one pony who gets stuff done. Just because she doesn't know Pinkie doesn't make her stupid or bad at her job. What about all the stuff that the Mane Six don't do? The finances, economics, legislation, public relations. Does Pinkie or any of the others do that? Not even Twilight has been shown to be into politics. That would fall directly into Raven's court. And how do you figure that Raven is an "obstructionist"? Obstructionism is the practice of deliberately delaying or preventing a process or change. In what way has Raven done that?
I'm not trying to start an argument. All I'm saying is that there's more than one way to make an impact in the world. Just because she's not using magic to stop evil doesn't mean she's not saving the world. That's kinda what this story is about, really. A grumpy mare who's work isn't often appreciated. This is about a hero without a cape.
8330944
Raven is making it harder for Celestia to do her job.
Because Celestia hasn't been careful the previous 980+ years of her sole, prosperous reign.
Their purpose as defined by Celestia has been thwarted, by Celestia's own words.
Because Raven's too dumb to understand them.
It's pretty obvious that the story is the delusional ramblings of a madmare. Or a bureaucrat. Same difference.
8331032
I probably shouldn't do this, but let's break down all of your bullet points, shall we?
Editing the speeches of a political power, especially one as universal and unrestricted as Celestia, is far from making it harder to do their job. You think any president, prime minister, king or queen writes their own speeches? They don't, because they have a group of people whose job it is to make sure that the masses are receiving the proper message in the right context. Look what happened when Celestia acted freely: some dickhead from the press started a smear campaign on her to move papers. As her personal assistant and Royal Adviser, it's Raven's job to make sure that stuff like that doesn't happen, and Celestia's job to understand what Raven is getting at.
You make a faulty assumption that Celestia's "previous 980+ years of sole, prosperous rule" were sole or prosperous. Equestria is a kingdom, a government. Governments have their ups and their downs. Remember that time that the unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies hated each other so much that they almost froze to death? What about the time Discord took control of the country and turned the very laws of reality on their head? Or when Sombra made a whole neighboring kingdom (which, based on the way they treat the Crystal Empire, might be more accurately described as an Equestrian city-state) vanish off of the map? As for her doing it by herself... Do you really think that, all of a sudden, Celestia just decided that she'd get herself an assistant? Or would it make much more sense for her to have always had an assistant. There was always a "Raven Inkwell" aiding the princess. I commented as such to somebody ages ago, that Raven comes from a long line of Royal Advisers (though, in fairness to you, I can't realistically expect you to read all of the comments on this story). Celestia is like any world leader: someone with a team to help them make sense of what they're doing.
Next up is the purpose of the speeches. You say that the purposes of them "as defined by Celestia has been thwarted, by Celestia's own words", which is true. But the speeches have a purpose outside of what Celestia may want. Celestia may see the purpose of these speeches to confuse her subjects, or get a laugh out of them, or slip in some nugget of wisdom that's irrelevant to ninety-nine percent of the ponies she's speaking to and could be brought up at a better place and time. But the speeches, as they were originally intended, were meant to do two things: keep up with appearances and get people to donate. It's a speech at a fundraiser. Vanity and capital are the only things that matter.
Now you're just resorting to name-calling. Just because Celestia's speeches come off as crazy and nonsensical to Raven doesn't make her dumb. How many times has Celestia said something to Twilight, arguably the smartest mare in Equestria, just for Twilight's response to be "Huh?". Whether or not Raven personally understands Celestia's message is irrelevant. What matters is what the public think of it. But, by following your strain of logic of Raven being dumb, that means the rest of Equestria would have to be brain-dead. If Raven can't wrap her head around it, and she's been around Celestia for basically her entire life, what hope do the mindless masses have? If Equestria as a whole started viewing Celestia as going senile, that could be very bad for everypony involved. Raven is single-hoofedly combating that, which is why Equestria would be nothing without her.
And finally, yes. She is a bureaucrat. I dunno why you keep throwing that around as a derogatory term, Bureaucracy is pretty fucking important to our society. You remind me of people who hate all politicians or lawyers or cops. Like, why? You know that we need those sons of bitches, right? So, if you wanna call this story the "delusional ramblings of a madmare/bureaucrat", I suppose you're not wrong. Everyone has their delusions, I literally include at least one scene of Raven ranting and rambling at a bar in every chapter, and madness is relative.
If you're going to read this story, do me a solid. Try not to let your preexisting opinions and stances on politics change what this story is. I thought that this story would be easy to relate to. I feel like everyone must know what it's like to be unappreciated and uncared for. That's all this is. Nothing more, nothing less.
But, if I pissed you off to the point where you don't wanna read this anymore, then so be it. Hope you find something worth your time elsewhere.