“So…” Raven shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Moon Shine? That’s what you decided to run with?”
“Yes. Is that a problem?” asked Luna, her disguise perfectly in place. Now that Raven knew Moon Shine’s true identity, she would never be able to look at her the same. A few days prior, Raven was terrified to wake Luna for lunch. Now, she was buying a round of drinks for the Mare of Darkness.
In that moment, Raven realized that her life was absolutely absurd.
“It’s just… A little on the nose, don’t you think?”
Luna drained her glass, sliding it to the middle of the table when she was finished. Raven couldn’t quite tear her eyes away from “Moon Shine”. Raven still couldn’t believe that she had just cussed out the Princess of the Night, nor that it had turned out as well as it had.
“What do you mean? On the nose in what way?” asked Luna.
“You’re going around to bars and calling yourself ‘moonshine’. I mean, I didn’t think anything of it because I thought that was your real name,” said Raven. “But if you chose it… Just seems a bit heavy-hooved.”
“Are we really talking about this? Your friend put me on the spot, okay?” Luna rolled her eyes, helping herself to another drink. “I never intended to talk to anypony. I panicked.”
“The Princess of the Night panicked?”
“Say it a bit louder next time, there might be some ponies at the bar who didn’t hear!” hissed Luna. She drained another beer, amazing Raven with her ability to hold her liquor. Luna must’ve been five or six drinks in, and she didn’t seem affected. “Hm… Is your friend going to be okay?”
“Probably.” Raven waved her hoof in Garrus’ face, his stare blank and glazed. “I think you broke him with your little revelation.”
“You seem to be taking things pretty well, yourself,” noted Luna.
“Well, I realized something. I realized that you shouldn’t be here. That’s why you were so upset about us almost blowing your cover,” said Raven with a mischievous grin. “You can’t snitch on me or else you’ll incriminate yourself. I’ve got immunity.”
“That is a fair assumption to make, Inkwell.” Luna grinned herself, matching and exceeding Raven’s self-satisfaction. “What you failed to consider is that I can simply manipulate my sister’s dreams until she thinks she wants to fire you and blacklist you from ever working in Canterlot again.”
It fell silent, at which point Raven adopted a blank, glazed stare similar to Garrus.
“I’m screwing with you, Inkwell. I have no desire to do that,” sighed Luna. “However, I will be keeping an eye on you and your friend for the time being. Just to ensure that you keep my little secret.”
“Hey, I have a question,” said Garrus, snapping out of his trance.
“Ah, so the griffon lives. What is it?”
“Why exactly are you here?” Luna tilted her head in confusion at that. “Well, you’re a… you’re a princess, for Pete’s sake. Do you really need to go to a shitty bar like this?” Garrus’ eyes went wide, and he slapped his claws over his beak. “Er… Pardon my language, your majesty.”
“Seriously, cool it with the royalty thing. You know what, new rule. Royal decree,” said Luna, raising her hoof as if addressing her subjects (which, in a way, she was). “When we’re within the walls of the bar, you treat me like a normal pony. I give you my word that nothing you say will matter to me in any facet. Frankly, I probably will forget the subject of our conversation by morning, so just be normal.”
“He does bring up a good question,” said Raven. “Why are you here?”
“Because Big Sister doesn’t allow anything stronger than shitty noble wine at home, and I need something a bit stronger to get the edge off. Speaking of…” Luna waved across the bar at the barmaid. “Hey! How about something stronger?” The barmaid stopped at the bar for a moment before approaching their table with a tray holding a bottle of tequila and three shot glasses, which she set on the table.
“You three getting along now?” asked the barmaid.
“Booze’ll do that to you,” said Luna. “And I admire somepony who sticks up for their friends.”
“That’s good. Just try not to cause a fuss in my bar again, okay?” The barmaid smirked, then returned to tend to the bar. Luna poured out shots, immediately taking one down.
“So, what have you two been up to?” asked Luna. “You work in the castle, right? Solar Guard Griffon? And Inkwell, you’re a secretary or something, right?”
Raven felt her eye involuntarily twitch due to the vast, gross oversimplification of what she did for a living.
“I am the personal assistant and Royal Adviser to the Princess of Equestria,” said Raven through gritted teeth. “I am responsible for keeping the princess on schedule, aiding her with any and all tasks, and making sure the cogs in the machine are running smoothly.”
“So you’re basically Tia’s foalsitter.”
“I… Actually, that’s pretty accurate. With respect, it can get really frustrating. She’s so…”
“Stupid? Oblivious? Naive?” Luna yawned, as if she had heard this time and time again. “Yes, she’s always been rather air-headed. Her life has gone so well for so long that she never needed to develop a reasonable sense of skepticism.”
“Wow,” said Garrus. “You too?”
“Of course you’d understand! She’s your sister!” Raven clapped her hooves. “I can’t believe I never thought to talk to you about this before!”
“Yeah, yeah, lay it out,” said Luna, taking a second shot. “What did she do this time?”
“She invited this sleazy reporter to her room for an interview,” explained Raven. “And she intentionally leaked some scandalous images so she has an excuse to pose for some ‘beauty magazines’. The sort your dad keeps in the shoebox under the bed.”
“Son of a bitch!” hissed Luna. “Are you serious?! She’s trying this thing again?!”
“Uh…”
“Damn it, I have to go!” Luna tossed out a few bits onto the table. “I’ll see you two tomorrow, I’ve got to put an end to this before it’s too late.” She jumped up from the table and ran for the door, pausing a few meters from the table. “Griffon, Inkwell, this stays between us, okay?”
And, before either Raven or Garrus could say anything to stop her, she was gone. Raven looked to Garrus, then grabbed her shot and knocked it back.
“Really?” Garrus shook his head in disapproval. “Haven’t you had enough?”
“I’m gonna be honest with you, Gary,” said Raven. “I don’t think all of the booze in Equestria will be enough to make that make any sense. So, you gonna join me or sit there and be boring?”
Garrus sighed, swiped up a shot, and downed it.
“If I’m hungover at work tomorrow, I’m blaming it on you,” said Garrus. “Pass the bottle.”
“Now you’re talking, chief.”
“I quite like the pink one… What do you think, Raven?”
Raven looked up from her “notes”, which consisted entirely of superficial beauty literature and magazines that she was absolutely ashamed to have purchased, rosy-cheeked and unable to look her princess in the eye. The throne room had been cleared out, thankfully, so Raven had only share the room with Celestia herself. The Princess of the Sun was holding a pink bikini with her magic, seeing how the color compared in the light. Next to her throne was a clothes rack with roughly two dozen bathing suits of varying degrees of decency. Apparently oblivious to the unorthodox nature of the day’s agenda, Celestia conducted the process of selecting her outfits for the photoshoot with the same elegance, sophistication, and nobility as she would a diplomatic meeting with the ruler of a neighboring kingdom.
Simply put, the whole situation was rather bizarre.
“Erm… I’m not sure,” said Raven. “Maybe… that gold one?”
Celestia set the bikini onto the rack, then grabbed the gold one that Raven had pointed out. It was a simple one-piece bathing suit, a glittering golden color. Celestia looked it over, inspecting it and imagining how she might look in it.
“I worry that this one might… How do I put this…” Celestia thoughtfully stroked her chin. “I worry it will… accentuate some facets of my form that I am not entirely comfortable with.”
Holy hell, is that modesty I hear?
Raven shook her head, knowing it was too soon to hope. Celestia had effectively sent her assistant to fetch softcore pornography for her. As far as Raven was concerned, Celestia was unfamiliar with the term “modesty”.
“Whatever do you mean, your majesty?” asked Raven.
“I hesitate to admit it, but I think I might be putting on a few pounds.” Celestia poked at her stomach, which was developing a bit of a pudge (though Raven, nor any of the castle staff, would dare say that to her face). “I worry that this might make me look a bit fat.”
Nope, not modesty. Just vanity.
Raven shoved the sarcastic remark out of her head for the time being. Her only hope to preserve some semblance of decency and purity in Equestria’s matriarch would be to convince Celestia to wear the comparatively conservative one-piece. The best chance at that would be to put Celestia’s fears to rest, whether through honest observations or bold-faced lies.
“I don’t see it, your highness,” said Raven. “You seem as thin as ever.”
“Lying is unbecoming, Raven,” said Celestia with a smirk. “Come, you must have noticed. I’ve put on at least ten pounds. I’m growing positively chunky these days.”
“Nonsense, Princess. Though, if you are concerned, perhaps you should try it on? Put your fears to rest?”
“Hm… I suppose that makes sense,” said Celestia, rising from her throne. “Alright, Raven. Turn around.”
Raven sighed, but turned her back to the princess. While Celestia dressed, Raven was free to move her thoughts from defense to offense. Preston’s story was still fresh in her mind, and she wanted to get her revenge as soon as possible. She wasn’t exactly sure what she would do if she could get her hooves on that sleazy, self-serving reporter, but she was determined to make his life a living hell.
“Alright, Raven,” said Celestia finally. “Turn around.” Raven did as she was told, and immediately wished that she hadn’t.
Raven had been Celestia’s official assistant for twenty-three years, starting the job when she was just nineteen. Before even that, she was her mother’s apprentice for five years before that, marking her total time spent working the castle, near and around Celestia, as twenty-eight years. In those nearly three decades of essentially living in Canterlot Castle, Raven had seen a whole lot of Princess Celestia, some things she had been sworn never to repeat to another living soul.
That said, Raven had never seen Celestia’s swaying flank in what was effectively a sparkly golden thong.
“Erm… P-princess?” Raven tried to look pretty much anywhere that was directly at Lady Sun’s swinging moon, but the sheer absurdity of the whole affair was making that pretty hard. “I didn’t realize that this suit was so… Provocative…”
The bathing suit looked very different now that Celestia was wearing it. It seemed that it was originally made for a normal pony; a unicorn or pegasus, if Raven had to guess. It didn’t take into account Celestia’s above-average size, and thus fit much differently than originally intended. What should have been a conservative, covering piece ended up hugging the princess’ curves, sitting snugly and appearing more like a thong than anything.
“So? How do I look?” Celestia looked back over her shoulder, giving a wink and a minxy smile. “Would this sell magazines?”
“Are you asking me to c-comment on your flank?” asked Raven, her face positively glowing red.
“Oh, come now, Raven, we’re both adults. And you’re an attractive mare yourself, your opinion matters a great deal to me,” said Celestia. She bounced her rear slightly in Raven’s direction. “Give me your honest first thoughts. Picture this; You’re a spry, young stallion, and you see a mare like me approaching. Naturally, as I walk past, you catch a glimpse from behind. And this is what you see.” Celestia smiled her sultry, seductive smile. “What do you say?”
Raven’s mind was going blank, the words and ideas required to get herself out of this situation just evaporating on the spot. Her tongue tied itself into a knot, and she felt that Celestia knew that. The princess’ smirk morphed from sensual to smug as time went on, which only embarrassed Raven more.
“Raven? I’m waiting. How would you describe me?” Celestia giggled, both for effect and out of amusement. “Would you describe me as stunning? Eye-catching?” She bounced her eyebrows suggestively. “Sexy?”
“Um…”
Suddenly, the throne room doors blew open. Princess Luna stomped into the room, a cold glare and a sharp scowl displayed on her face. Celestia saw her sister and smiled, despite a single bead of sweat rolling down her forehead.
“Celestia! Enough of your games!” said Luna, slamming the door behind her.
“Oh, thank the Goddess above,” mumbled Raven. A bit louder, she said, “I’ll just be going, work is piling up and—”
“Stay. We may yet require your assistance.” Luna crossed the room with power and purpose, stopping just beside Raven, who was swearing under her breath. She thought she had gotten away. “We would like to inquire as to why Our schedule was pushed ahead so far? Our agenda for later tonight has been pushed forward to now. We managed to finish everything in time, thankfully, but somepony obviously tampered with my schedule. What have you to say of that, sister dearest?”
“Clerical error,” said Celestia brightly, her eyes shut to avoid looking directly at Luna.
“And why was a whole company of Our Lunar Guard awake at this time and tasked with keeping Us as far away from the throne room as possible?”
“Perhaps they simply wanted you to get the beauty sleep you rightfully deserve.” Celestia was sweating a bit more profusely now, still avoiding eye contact with her sister.
“Perhaps, but this leaves one final question. Why are you offering yourself to your assistant?”
“Ah.” Celestia seemed to only then remember the position she was in and proceeded to turn her backside away from her sister and assistant. “Well, the jig is up, so to speak. The truth, then.” Celestia draped her leg around Raven in a warm embrace. “Raven and I have found ourselves in a steamy, passionate office romance.”
“What?!” exclaimed Raven.
“Tia!” Luna puffed angrily, her annoyance with the situation clearly growing.
“Oh, fine. The actual truth. I met with a reporter who took some slightly risque photos, completely in jest and supposedly in complete confidence, when he decided he would use them to run a smear campaign of sorts,” said Celestia, waving her hoof through the air as if Luna was making a big deal out of nothing. “My options limited, I did the only thing I could do. I arranged an equally risque photoshoot, using the already rolling momentum to my advantage. We run these shoots, which boosts national morale. Who doesn’t love sexy mares in skimpy swimsuits?”
“A society that is naked ninety percent of the time, I imagine,” said Luna, rolling her eyes. “Celestia, this was a foolish endeavor. Too many things could go wrong. The public might react all wrong, or somepony more nefarious than your reporter friend may get their hooves on it, or—”
“True, however, Raven already sent the letter over to the photographers and publicists,” said Celestia with a grin. “They’ll be here on Friday. Ooh, since you’re here…” Celestia lifted a swimsuit off of the rack that was similar to her’s, except it was shining silver to contrast with her gold. “I think this would look wonderful on you! Here, try it on.”
“I would sooner attempt to usurp the throne again than put that thing on,” snarled Luna, as if the bikini itself had disrespected her and her family name. “Why in the name of the Goddess would you even suggest such absurdity?”
“Think back to… Oh, it must have been twelve-hundred or so years ago. The week of our Archmage Exams,” said Celestia, a devious grin spreading across her face. “And you went off with your friends on a bit of a bender.”
Immediately, Luna’s face fell. She knew where this is going.
“Tia…” growled Luna.
“Plastered out of your mind, you neglected to study for the test, and I, being the loving, caring sister that I am, allowed you to copy my answers.” Celestia chuckled slightly as her sister shrunk down, attempting to vanish into thin air without a teleportation spell. “And I do recall you telling me that you owed me big time and you would pay me back any place, any time.”
“Celestia, that was a literal millennia ago!”
“And, unless the definition of the term ‘any place, any time’ has changed since I last checked, your offer should still be valid.” Celestia wrapped her wing around Luna, hugging her younger sibling in a way that Luna wasn’t quite fond of. Luna tended to flinch and recoil at any attempts at physical interaction or displays of affection. “Come on, Lulu, it will be so much fun! If you don’t want your pictures published, then fine, but at least come and shoot with me. You’re a beautiful mare, and you deserve to feel that way.”
“Do not call me Lulu,” hissed Luna. “Especially in the presence of the help.”
“For the record, I'll be taking all of this to the grave,” said Raven.
“Come on, Luna, it'll be fun. You used to be upset that nopony appreciated you. Well, why not give them something to look at?”
Luna frowned, her gaze directed at the offensive swimwear. As much as she hated to admit it, she did owe Celestia a favor. Granted, when she originally thought of that favor, swimwear hadn't been invented yet, but the word of a princess is law. As such, she was obligated to grant Celestia her request.
“You are lucky I owe you,” snarled Luna. “Fine! I'll do your stupid photoshoot!”
“You won't regret it, sister. I promise, seeing the way ponies look at you in one of those will make you feel incredible!” Celestia clapped her hooves giddily. “Come, we must get you an outfit! Raven, send a letter to the magazine people, we must…” Celestia trailed off, her eyes glinting deviously for a moment.
“Oh no. That's never a good look,” murmured Raven.
“Raven, I need you to run to Ponyville for me tomorrow,” said Celestia with a grin. “But, for now, take a letter.” Raven nervously produced a quill and a sheet of parchment. “Dear Princess Cadance…”
“Wait… I don't mean to overstep,” said Garrus. As usual, at Ne’er-Do-Wells, Raven had gone on a tirade about her day. Today especially was quite amusing, albeit raising a few questions. “If you're not comfortable answering, you don't have to.”
“Go for it,” sighed Raven, sipping her beer. Today was especially tiring for her, with all of the shameful, embarrassing activities she had to participate in. “Today seems to be ‘Make Raven Blush Day’, so why stop now?”
“Alright, then. That story just made me wonder, and it's really none of my business, but… Are you gay?”
Raven just about choked on her beer. She coughed and sputtered for a moment before recovering.
“What? No! What makes you think I'm gay?” asked Raven.
“The way you reacted to Celestia, it just made me think,” said Garrus. “I've never seen you with a guy, and, based on your own testimony, you were really flustered. I thought you might've had a thing for the princess.”
“It's not like that. Most little girls idolized her during puberty, myself included. She's most pony’s first crush.” Raven buried her face in her hooves. “I don't swing for mares, but everypony has their one exception.”
“I don't know if that's universal.”
“Really? You don’t have one friend who makes you go ‘yeah, I’d hit that’?” asked Raven.
“No, not that I can think of. Also, I don’t think that’s a thing,” said Garrus. “Not in Griffonstone, anyway.”
“Hm. I think we just have to find you the right guy. Somepony small and sensitive. Somepony to snuggle up with by a fire and read cheesy romance novels with.”
“Are… Are you shipping me right now?”
“What the hell is ‘shipping’?”
Garrus was about to answer when their party of two became of three. Luna sat down beside Raven, two whiskeys already hovering in her magical glow. She didn’t say much to either pony she sat with, too busy downing both of her drinks.
“Um… Hi?” said Garrus carefully. “Starting strong there, eh?”
“You would if you were me, Griffon. Big Sister pulled some major bullshit and put me in a less than savory position,” huffed Luna. “I can’t believe she’s still trying to do this!”
“She’s done it before?” asked Raven.
“She’s been having a midlife crisis for the past eleven-hundred or so years! She feels like an old hag, so her solution to that is to cougar it up. You commoners don’t know this, but Tia is a relentless flirt. Simply couldn’t keep it in her pants.”
“Was it really as bad as Raven said?” asked Garrus. “Also, my name is ‘Garrus’.”
“I’m not certain what she’s told you, but I doubt she exaggerated,” sighed Luna. “The average pony simply lacks the creative talent to make this shit up.” She dropped her head on the table, resting her chin against the wood. “I should’ve specified that the favor she called in couldn’t involve humiliating me in front of the entire country.”
“I’m sure it won’t be that bad, your high—” If looks could kill, Luna’s glare would have had Garrus pushing daisies. “Sorry. Moon Shine.”
“You don’t understand. Big Sister will never let me forget this,” complained Luna. “Every summer, she’ll bring it up. And there’s no saying where this path will lead. What starts out as a taste for some softcore photoshoot might grow into something more intense.”
“At which point, I will firmly put my hoof down,” said Raven. “If Princess Celestia appears in a XXX mag, it won’t be while I’m on the job.”
“Yeah, and how well did putting your hoof down work during that ‘steamy, passionate office romance’, huh?” Luna turned one of her glasses upside down, stacking the second on top out of boredom.
“Am I allowed to say ‘screw you’?” asked Raven.
“Take me to dinner and buy me a drink first,” snorted Luna. Raven tipped Luna’s cups, causing the princess in disguise to frown.
“Screw you,” said Raven, sticking out her tongue. Luna looked around to make sure the coast was clear, then partially broke her disguise, using one of her large wings to give Raven an obscene gesture before returning the spell.
“Piss off, Inkwell.”
“Speaking of screwing you,” said Garrus, immediately catching two dirty looks. “Shit, that came out wrong… I was just gonna ask about this exception thing. Raven says everypony has somepony they’d go gay for, and I was curious how universal that was.”
“Along with death and taxes, it’s one of the only constant truths,” said Luna. “You look like you’d swing for a tiny little fem-stallion who likes trashy romance stories.”
“See?” said Raven. “Told you. Who’s your mare, Luna?”
“I have a few. Most of them are dead by now. Of those living, though… Probably Pinkie Pie.” Luna took the flagons on the table and added them to her cup-stack, oblivious to the stares she was getting until she was done. “What? I think she’s cute. A bit too all over the place for anything serious, but for a fling… I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.”
It got quiet for a bit, as Raven and Garrus tried to decide what to do with the information they were given.
“I’m going to Ponyville tomorrow,” said Raven. “And I’m so going to tell her.”
Luna dropped her cups, her expression exploding into fury.
“I will murder you, Inkwell, don’t even think about it!”