TCB broken

by voiddragon

Prelude

Broken

disclaimer this is a fan fic of a fan fic by blaze all rights go to hasbro.
recommended music for intro http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI3qAWkCgNQ
______________________________________________________________________________
Humanity.
One word, so many meanings. What does it mean to be Human? We as a species are greedy. Weak. Hateful. Violent. But we can be more.
Honorable and humble, we have the initiative to become good or evil. We can be heroes, defenders of the weak, guardians from the darkness, both within and without.
Or will we be the bringers of that darkness? Of pain and misery? Too often a little pain is all it takes for us to relinquish our humanity.

5 years ago we humans were contacted by the first nonhuman sapient species we had ever encountered. They were small, diminutive equine creatures with the ability to manipulate the reality of their universe. As far as we could tell, it was, quite simply, magic.
The communication between our races ushered in a new age of technological advancements, but it did little to stop the violence and strife around the world. After a year, their leaders offered us an opportunity: they could help us take away our hatred, our greed, our violence, but at the cost of our very beings. To save us, we would have to become them.
Too often, we take the easy way out. For most of us, the idea of a quick fix to our problems was the solution we had been looking for our entire lives. We took the easy way out. As one species, we exchanged our technology, our ideas, and eventually ourselves. Ponies were able to move into our world, and we were able to move into theirs. The United States began a program to teach Equestrian history in American schools and Earth history on Equestria. Their leader, Princess Celestia, approved of the idea.
And this brings us here. Here, sitting in Equestrian history class board the hell out of my mind by my teacher mister Black Rose.

“Alright class, how did Nightmare Moon get defeated?” The black-coated unicorn levelled a disapproving stare in my direction. His purple eyes narrowed.
“Uhh, I guess that Twilight pony used some rainbow laser thing to defeat her,” I responded. He sighed.
“Well, that is one way to put it. They used the Elements of Harmony to cleanse the taint of Nightmare Moon from Princess Luna. Long story short, the elements saved her, and now she has returned to her position as one of our two beloved leaders.” Fortunately, before he could continue the bell rang. My next class was Earth history. It was also the last class of the day, and I was looking forwards to continuing our lesson on Sun Tzu. I had always been interested in tactics and military thinking. I’d read The Art of War countless times. As I walked through the hall, my friend Shock Mane appeared by my side. The grey-coated Pegasus was born a human, but applied to the Bureau for conversion. Shock’s wild blond, blue and black-striped mane overshadowed his peaceful, friendly nature.
“So... what’d you think of the lesson?”
“Dude, I think that Black Rose is out to get me. He always looks all pissed off when he looks at me,” I said.
“Well you know if you actually made any effort in class like you do in every other class he might stop bugging you,” Shock replied.
“Yeah, and maybe Hell freeze over, and I’ll get myself ponified. That’s Not gonna happen.”
As the two of us walked into the clean, brightly lit classroom, I noticed a Conversion Bureau pamphlet on Mr. Red’s desk. Oh crap, not him too, I thought. Pretty soon I’ll be the only human on the island.
After a relatively enjoyable discussion of Sun Tzu, I was looking forwards to seeing a movie after school with my friends Matt, Patrick Thompson, and Michael. Thompson was the largest of us. He was a football player and over six feet tall, but for some reason I guess he liked hanging out with us nerds. Go figure. Matt was tall and blond, and also a good bit stronger than I was. He didn’t like the idea of conversion either. Patrick was the shortest of us, except for me. Michael was tall and skinny. I’d known him since we were in elementary school, and his greasy black hair was instantly recognizable.
As we entered the mall, my ears were filled with the steady murmur of hundreds of voices echoing throughout the wide-open atrium. We passed crowds of shoppers and tourists, both pony and human, many of them probably on their holiday shopping trips. But for some reason, I couldn't help feeling like something was wrong. You know what it’s like when you feel like you’re being watched? It was nothing like that. I felt like I was being... appraised. Like I was a piece of meat in a butchers shop being inspected by a customer. The feeling only intensified when I noticed someone in the crowd. His appearance was so plain and unmemorable, it felt like my eyes just slid over him as I walked by. But something seemed off. The man seemed to radiate a cold, empty aura. After we passed him, I turned around just in time to notice a flash of red behind his glasses.

“Hey, did, uh, did any of you see that guy?” I said slowly.

“Huh? What guy?” responded Michael.

“The weird looking one, with the glasses and the plain beige shirt? You didn’t notice how creepy he looked?” I could tell they didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

“I didn’t see anyone. You’re so paranoid sometimes, Achilles.” Matt rolled his eyes with a grin.

I did my best to ignore the strange feeling as we ambled on towards the movie theater at the far end of the mall. I was still amazed at how quickly things were changing here. We passed the standard stores. You know, video games, clothes, sports equipment, all that stuff. But among these stores were places selling things like flight gear for pegasi, or pony clothing, or horseshoes. Just a few years ago you wouldn’t see anything like that here, let alone so many actual ponies in one place. I absently wondered if there were stores for humans in their world. My thoughts were interrupted as we finally arrived at the theater. We bought tickets and refreshments, and headed inside.
A few hours later, the five of us made our way outside into the cool night air. A few stars twinkled above us through the city lights and smog. We sat in under the moon and stars in the parking lot as each of us waited for out various rides home.
Eventually, Patrick’s ride came and I was the only one left. I made my way down the stair of the parking garage and headed towards the alley where I had parked about a block away. I pulled my thin jacket around me against the cool night air as I neared the alleyway. Stepping into the shadows I heard a faint rustle from somewhere above me, and the back of my neck suddenly felt heavy and numb. I could only take a few steps before I fell to my knees. Before my eyelids fully closed, I saw the same strange man seem to drop down from nowhere, holding a odd-looking device in his hands. Before the darkness swallowed me, he smiled and opened his mouth to speak in a raspy, hissing voice.
“There you are, boy. My masster sends hiss regards.”

I awoke what felt like moments later to the painfully bright fluorescent lights of a hospital. I was still in shock as I slowly and painfully turned my head to either side. I noticed that I was strapped to the bed by my wrists and ankles, and that I had several thin tubes going into my neck and wrists. Looking down, I noticed that I had been stripped to my undergarments and that I had tattoos, or some kind of markings, all over my body. In my shock I barely even noticed that they were glowing. Before I fully realized my situation, I saw that the tubes going into my body began to fill with some kind of liquid. With a jolt, I realized I was being injected with ponification serum. Just as I began to scream, I once again passed out.

* * *

Comments

I do hope that this story will be pro-human.
Totally agree with the words of more simple and fast choise...but who knows that simple choise is the best.

[Ice]

It's good not amazing but a good read

[Wolfy Hige]

And the fives stars go to... VIODDRAGON. Congragulations

[Ablesoap]

It's good it incorporates the HLF really early I would like to read more 5 stars right now don't dissapoint me

Work ya piece of shot comment system.

Anyways, good story. Look forward to more.

[Meta Knight]

interesting

[Pencil Sketch]

Gotta say, it's quite difficult to read, given several grammatical errors that do take away from the experience.

I'm under the understanding that English is not your first language, am I right? If so, perhaps write in the language that you are most fluent in? Sure, that may limit your number of readers, but people won't call you out on mistakes as often. If someone really wants to read your story though, being in another language, they can simply send it through Babelfish or something, or go through the enjoyment of learning another language.

And one last note on a comment you made here... Don't let people write out your ideas. They often give the wrong message that you are wanting to exhibit, less to mention that they could have a poor grasp of literary skills.

Hey don't get upset, i'm a russian and english is also alien to me) But still i'm looking for main plot and not gramma nazi rules.

[SaintDane]

Hey guys, I'm the co-writer for this piece. Basically how this works is Void asked me to edit and rewrite his story for him to be readable. He says I'm better at English/grammar stuff, so he writes a rough draft then I go over and edit and rewrite it to be easier to read. I'm a VERY amateur writer obviously so I really appreciate the criticism and feedback. I've only really written one other piece, which was a very short S.T.A.L.K.E.R. fanfiction. If its syntax, grammar, etc. issues that'd be my department, as for the general plot development itself that's Void's thing. So please continue giving input on this story. We both really appreciate it. Thanks!

[voiddragon]

finally

[Trill]

50003

Go away and take your pro-conversion filth with you

[SaintDane]

53894
I'm... pretty confused here. I didn't see anything regarding his thoughts on conversion (Besides its just a story...)
Seemed like pretty fair criticism to me. Unflinchingly honest, but quite fair.

[Midnightshadow]

52327
Check up on the training grounds thread on ponychan for sithicus helpicus, escher's hints and cereal velocity's writing guides. You need them, if this chapter has been edited.

The story, apart from the grammatical and punctuational mistakes, could also do with slowing down a tad. let your characters breathe, explain his reluctance to ponify whilst still being more than okay with ponies and pony-lifestyles all around better, and you'll have a more gripping narrative.

[voiddragon]

TY

[TenshuraX]

what is the order these pony conversion beauro's come in, i've seen them everywhere when i use browse, but i don't know what order they come in. also this story was rather short is it a preview for something or the start of a story? <--- honestly, just the weirdest face i could find in the emoticons

[SupremeSoviet]

Please update soon, this is one of the few pro human conversion Bureau fanfics!

[voiddragon]

really????
I will talk to my friend it is undergoing revision to make it even more pro-human

[voiddragon]

it's a start never got to finish second chaptor editor/friend to busy plus got dishearted I might just restart it though
if any of you want to help me edit then pm me I have to let you know though that my grammar is horrid ok. 827927

[Brimstonne]

If you ever make it mature in the future, and have gore, I can help you, A-F*YAY*ING lot.

[voiddragon]

It was gonna be very gory and yes mature it has a home based forty thousand race me and a few friend made the point was to have an elder god like thing take an interest into protecting man
if you want to be my editor then i will send you a link in the Google docs just pm me your Google docs account so I can send you the link my friend (this might have come out a bit aqured writing has never been my strong point)828211

[Brimstonne]

50003 He's dyslexic

[Pencil Sketch]

828825 Well, I think I read somewhere that English wasn't his first language, or it could have been the honest mistake of accidentally having another tab open. Things happen.

[voiddragon]

848879
English is my first language you could just ask.

[Pencil Sketch]

848899 Then it was the latter of the two posted above. Honest mistake. I tend to have as many as a dozen tabs open at once on a browser.

[voiddragon]

848906
eh no prob I just am not good with the language funny thing was I got Japanese better but I am not fluent in it.