Rarity Drinks a Love Potion

It's fruit punch, no, lemonade. [Note: Spoof on the Derpy Mail fan-made video]

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Comments ( 5 )

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AlduintheWorldEater

AlduintheWorldEater #1 · Jul 7th, 2012 · · ·

Fun little spoof.

How was the pacing.
Tell me if you enjoyed. or like, or dislike,

or whatever, I think I'll figure it out.

Muffinsforever

Muffinsforever #2 · Jul 8th, 2012 · · ·

Okay... I'm confused.

No idea what I read; I'm not sure why but I really actually had trouble trying to comprehend where you were going with this. I've made this mistake and I've read stories like this, and I just can never figure out why that happens, its like something is missing. Not to be mean or anything, but with the grammar, quirky sentences, disruptions, and odd unedited feel of the story, I can't say I liked it. Go over your last story I reviewed, it was properly paced and generally clean up till that elixir part....

That damn elixir... why is it there?

Sorry to be such a downer man.

Also: protip: don't mention things that do not pertain to the story or things of the fandom that will fly over people's heads; that Sweetie Belle comment makes no sense in this context, but I know where you got the idea.

Aegis Shield

Aegis Shield #3 · Jul 8th, 2012 · · ·

Derpy pulled out a finely wrapped little box and placed it by her feet.
a finely wrapped little box and placed it by her feet.
little box and placed it by her feet.
placed it by her feet.
her feet.

Wat.

She made them out to be Spike and Rarity, investigating reports of another poisoning.

The story kind of fell apart after this sentence. You referred to the story itself, had Spike smash her over the head with a phial of anti----soul-darkening elixir? That's oddly specific. Does that mean Derpy was poisoning ponies all over town? I thought Rarity was her only customer? Spike then launches into a long exposition lecture that makes the story fall FLAT on its face in what had otherwise been excellent pacing. So Rainbow Dash was cursed? Or had she taken some of the love potion too? Or... what? The logic completely fell apart after that point and I couldn't understand the story from then on. That section needs re-tooling.

jack_fraust