Fallen Angel

EASTON

EASTON #1 · Mar 29th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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Or will Rainbow fall beyond anyponies grasp?

Anypony's

Ditzy Doo - Mailmare

Ditzy Doo - Mailmare #2 · Mar 29th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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I like what I see so far.

DerpiusHoovicus2

DerpiusHoovicus2 #3 · Mar 30th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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I noticed quite a few things, some of them were smaller but they were still there. For one the story repeated the beginning some time through.

Guilt had driven her to see her friend everyday, despite the doctor's doubts she would wake up within this year.

There is a slight logic error here, there is no surefire way for a doctor to decide when some(one)pony is going of come out of a coma and usually they only last about a month. Considering her injuries it could be more, although my point stands.

Even if she could, it would be vastly limited.

Missing a word here

As Fluttershy walked away she sat, shaking her head as she stared at her papers. Many ponies came in here, but none as often as Rainbow Dash. Her daredevil and quite reckless flying stunts landed her in the ER several times a month, at times. But, if and when she ever woke, she'd never be able to do anything of the like ever again. The white pony blinked back tears. Now was not the time for sentiments. She forced a smile on her face as an elder, dark yellow pony and a light blue teenager walked up together.

This should be a new paragraph, with the first 'she' replaced with 'Redheart'. Also a couple missing letters.

She snuck up behind the alicorn, and gingerly put her hoofsves around her. She reached forwards and nuzzled Twilight's cheek, then plant~~ing~~ed a soft kiss there.

Couple of spelling errors here.

The Princess turned, and to her surprise, saw Starlight on the floor, clutching her throbbing muzzle in a hoof.

Should be "a hoof" or "her hooves".

"It's fine, hun." She tenderly wiped the strand of drool from Twilight's face.

This is one of those weird rules that's hard to explain... ("It's fine, hun," she tenderly...") is how it's written. Since the quote ends before the end of the paragraph and doesn't end in [(!)(?) (or an ellipsis)] it ends in a comma. I'm sure I missed this a couple times, but try to work on that. If this didn't make sense, check the writer's guide on FimFiction, it goes into better detail on this subject

I suggest a gore tag, due to the blood and apparent exposed limbs

That's an awful lot of criticism,(hopefully constructive) but know that I'm jus' tryin' ta help! I am enjoying this so far, I'll keep an eye on this. You have a really good start here, keep up the good work and this will turn out awesome. ~ This took forever to write due to the excessive use of color and quotes, maybe next time I won't be such a goof.

link4

link4 #4 · Mar 30th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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I wanted to wish you luck on fimfic.

Dusk Melody

Dusk Melody #5 · Mar 30th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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Fluttershy stepped out from the cottage she shared with her animal friends, looking around her peaceful front yard. She perked up when she saw what she was looking for; Angel sitting down, glaring at her. She giggled softly and trotted over to her beloved pet. "Oh, Angel Bunny, I've been looking all over for you! We have a playdate with Dashie and Tank today, remember?" She said, blushing a bit at the thought of her friend, and secret crush. Fluttershy started packing up, humming a happy tune as she did so.
"Finally, we're ready." Fluttershy said as she balanced Angel and the picnic basket between her wings. She had packed daisy sandwiches, homemade hayfries, and, her personal favorite, nut and wild berry pie. It was a family recipe, and she been taught it at a young age.
She pranced out the door, excited to see her cyan friend. When she arrived at the eating spot, Rainbow was heading her direction, speeding up as she saw her. But as Fluttershy opened her mouth to protest her speeds, a large BOOM with a flash of light exploded behind her crush.
Rainbow was thrown down, her wings twisted and at awkward angles, hoof broken so badly bone poked through. Fluttershy screamed. "R-Rainbow!" She rushed over to her friend, blood staining her hooves. The grass around them had quickly gotten soaked with the blood gushing from gashes that littered her crush's body. "Rainbow?" The shy pony whimpered. The pegasus laid still, her friend staring in horror, tears coursing down her cheeks. "P-please! Somepony, hel-"
Fluttershy jerked awake, bits of the incident that led to her friend being in a coma still flashing before her eyes. She sighed, pushing her messy pink mane out of her face, glanced out her window. Celestia's sun had risen well over the tree line. "Oh... M-my poor animals... it's almost noon, and I still need to feed them..." Slowly, painfully she stood.
It had been around a month since Rainbow had crashed. Luckily Twilight had heard her calling for help, and had rushed over. Thanks to her, Rainbow was alive. She had been helpful, but Fluttershy had frozen after calling out. "You stupid, worthless pony..." She murmured to herself, eyes brimming with tears as she continued feeding her animals. In around half an hour, she had finished.
She sighed heavily, glancing towards the general direction of the Ponyville hospital. The pony set off towards it, steps heavy. Guilt had driven her to see her friend everyday, despite the doctor's doubts she would wake up within this year. It was determined the Rainbow had attempted a Sonic Boom, but that she had gotten a unexpected push from wind, sending her into the ground at full speed. It had dislocated her wings, along with breaking them in several places. Her hoof was snapped, and due to momentum she had been basically dragged along the uncommonly sharp rocks.

This whole part of the story is repeated twice.

Other than that, I'd say slow it right down. Add a few thousand words before RD wakes up exploring what the other friends think to the accident. Explore feelings and reactions, that sort of thing.

I wouldn't say it's rushed, but you could definitely have a little more meat on this bone.

JayTH25

JayTH25 #6 · Mar 30th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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Other than a few mistakes, I think it's a very good story. You should take the advice of the other commenters here and see what you can do.
Take the time of re-reading your story to make sure there are no mistakes, or even ask a friend to re-read it for you, if you're open and willing to do that.
I even had to re-read this comment lol

Fluttershine1765

Fluttershine1765 #7 · Apr 6th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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This story is verry good so far, keep up the good work!

Opium4TmassS

Opium4TmassS #8 · Apr 25th, 2017 · · · Waking Up ·

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Good story, I'm enjoying it so far.. Most of the criticism has been already stated so I'm not going to repeat. Except for one suggestion. Instead of writing page break, use the center paragraph tool and place * or -- etc. It looks better. (Note to self: Never comment from the PS4 again.)