Inspired by my story, "Loving the Nightmare" -- Twilight Sparkle travels to the alternate timelines she saw while chasing Starlight Glimmer. Seeking knowlege, she instead finds lust, passion, possession and desire.
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There is no possible way that magically linking drug-fuelled perceptions with another version of you and producing intense experiences can backfire mightily. No sir. I bet Sombra wishes he'd thought of that.
8620941
I know...what could possibly go wrong?
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8620977
NEVER invoke Marephy’s Law... bad things happen when you do
Okay, I guess we can forget about anything good happening sexually between Process Twilight and Sombra.
Twilight Learned climbed into the featured box for a bit there, in case you missed it.
This Twilight needs help badly and questionable grounds for her to even go this far. Tia needs to have a long talk with her. And I guess tia was stupid enough to not send Luna for support. Really dump considering she wouldn't be testing Twilight.
8621031
you have to realize, this unicorn Twilight was deeply traumatized... it skewed her thought process a bit, and considering how smart, she is acting relatively “normal”
My take:
Congratz on blowing away your only secret/surprise that could've saved you from a situation they would underestimate putting you in, forgot about your past experience that quickly have we?. A world in which all hell has broke loose and ponies are intent on killing you within' a swift second mind you. Not exactly the best time to escelate things.
Eh? What?
Nice one
This is something that is becoming a massive problem in writting of movies, books etc. lately and its edtablishing some sort of limit on the universe and has tried to be addressed in this universe in particular with the changelings. Where anyone can be an enemy hiding behind you is very scary, but when anyone can be almost anything, it does come to wonder how you deal with it. Alot of the time I've read extremely awkward scenes where characters might not be their genuin selves and the first thing that happens is they are scanned for not being a changeling. I think it's an idea best reserved for slow surprises where people are shocked to find someone is an imposter instead of constant scanning story-wise at least...
8621264
Still she clearly needs help and maybe she should be on medical leave. Princes Twilight has done nothing to warrant this treatment.
8621492
PTSD is a hell of a kicker, she is clearly acting out of paranoia and past experience so you really can’t blame her here...
8621468
read the FULL SENTENCE
“I’ll visit on you horrors your Sombra-led mind can’t begin to fathom.” (In otherwords, if proven to be Sombra’s troops Inquisitor Twilight will do nothing short of torturing them)
8621828
Hence why she should be on medical leave. she is not mentally healthy enough to be doign her job right now.
I'm usually not into this kind of stuff (bondage, etc) but the story is so damn intriguing I just can't stop reading 😅.
Carry on, dear fellow, carry on! 👍
8621828
Yea I did read it, just the "visit on you" part sounds out of place. Surely not "I'll lead you to horrors your Sombra-led mind can't begin to fathom" ?
8621984
With hell holes like these, such things barely exist and in the state that everyone is in, time is a luxury. Reminds me of Enemy at The Gates. "Wine, is a luxury we can afford, vodka is a luxury we have. Time, we do not"...
8622295
Nah, that is a perfectly valid use of the word. Check out definitions 6, 7, 9 and 12 here.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/visit?s=t
8622311
Yea but what I'm saying is that it needs to be comprehensible. It may be "gramatically correct" but just don't be that guy who writes a paragraph that makes you look smart, but becomes so diluted that the message is incomprehensible...
8622345
It was comprehensible, you just didn't have the key to comprehending it. And now you do.
8622356
All I'm sayin' is don't be this twat at 5:00, not everyone has an automatic dictionary in their head...
https://youtu.be/LZCRxxb_rwY
8622397
Now you're shifting the argument into something it wasn't.
If you think the text in the video is an example of something "incomprehensible" then you are using that word wrong. It's using purple language, sure, and it's using it _a lot_, but that isn't the same as the text conveying the wrong meaning or just being gibberish, which is what "incomprehensible" is. And yes, "visit" used like this _is_ a bit purple, but I approve of it nevertheless.
You've seen Pulp Fiction, right? Samuel Jackson plays a character who likes to quote the bible to intimidate. This is essentially the same thing that Sombraverse Twilight here does, and the word choice instantly alludes to the bible as the the bible likes to _visit_ the plague and other disasters on heathens. Sv_Twilight is essentially threatening to open up a can of whoop-ass of biblical proportions - and she conveys this with just that single word. How's that for a lot of comprehension from a simple choice of more poetic phrasing?
8622411
Welp, guess we'll agree to disagree. I'll admit, I guess that was a bit of over exagaration with the text comparison, but I still stand clear that for your average joe, the text/words that you want to use have to be understandable (something that I was pointing out).
Ofcourse the text shouldn't be simplistic to the point of hollow and bland, I like to digest words and find meaning. But some words and how they are structured is what gets to me. Like I said, not everyone has an automatic dictionary in their head and not everyone can instantly recognise.
As for refrences to the Bible, in Pulp Fiction its mostly/somewhat recognisable even if he didn't say "do you read the Bible" before the bad-ass quote. As for that short sentence/single word? Not a whole lot to digest and I begin to wonder how you connect it to the bible and not not anything else...
I don't know about you but I haven't read alot of books that contain this sort of language, so I'm not acustomed to it yet...
8621984
Think World War II, Inquisitor Twilight and the others are in this for the duration of hostilities. There are no tours of duty, no stop-loss. Somepony gets maimed or goes a little nuts? Patch 'em up and get them back in the fight, because even a broken weapon against Sombra is still a weapon that can be used.
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8621468
So, I reviewed the line with the member of my editing team who is a professional editor. Yes, I am the luckiest SOB ever. Anyway, after going over the section with them they said that while the words were used properly it isn't something they would let past them in a commercial publication as it could cause confusion with someone who hasn't been exposed to that sort of usage in the past.
I can only plead my oddly weird mental history when it comes to vocabulary. Grew up in an evangelical Christian cult, which caused me to learn the bible inside, outside and sideways. Combine that with a love of science-fiction, 10 years spent playing as a medieval herald and a garbage can mind that is now over 50 years old. How stuffed is my brain with odd verbage? Put i like this, my name here is a medieval word.
Folks, I do love seeing lots of comments in my stories because it means my readers are engaged but I'm asking you to let this issue lie. For the peace of the season if nothing else.
Dona Nobis Pacem
8622886
You mean you didn't just take the letter 'y' off the end of Penalty? Still, thanks for giving us some insight as to why you choose that specific wording...
Olly Olly Oxen Free
8622886
I do apologize for perhaps getting too invested. I happen to like your way of writing and thought the phrase in question most fitting. And to put some perspective on that, I knew that phrase despite growing up in an atheist household and choosing the alternative world view classes instead of mainly christian-focused religion classes from grade 3 onwards.
8623017
I think that the wording is fine, maybe if it is used more often/frequently to reflect the character then I think it's great, similar to Luna's old English speech or Zecora's rhyming/riddle-like tounge.
Its just that here it was used once and never again, leaving me confused...
8622999
Heh, it's a late 16th century abbreviation for 'Penultimate,' which of course means second to last. I am the second to last of my father's sons, of which there are four.
8622861
I would even think in WW2 the7y be some leash on a broken weapon. Again I feel alt Twilight has too much authortiy for a mentally damage agent.
8623109
I've noticed a couple small things, misplaced apostrophes and the like, while reading through this. Would you like me to point them out?
8638372
Sure. Shoot me a PM and I'll dive into them. I try very hard to avoid typos and keep things technically correct at the least, but it's amazing how much sneaks past. My writing process usually goes like this:
- write first draft
- read over story, altering word choices and finding major things like tense changes.
- Second draft gets reviewed by each of my three editors individually.
- Final edit is having Fimfic read the story back to me and making corrections.
- hit "Publish"
And despite all that, stuff gets through. It makes one really appreciate what professional authors and editors go through.
8638924
Oh, I know what you mean. I read through each chapter of Chasing Winter at least ten times, and I had a great pre-reader, and errors still slipped through into the published version.
So I read the whole thing now, and to be honest, I do not really like it.
Loving the Nightmare was fun. Twilight getting captured and dominated by Nightmare Moon, was played for sexy there.
Expanding on that and having Twilight work her way through all the timelines, is a fun concept, but the story plays it all for so much dark rape drama, that it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
This Twilight did not like what was happening to her. She enjoyed the sex, but only in spite herself and with the fact, that it was wrong and that she wanted it to stop, always in the foreground. And that kinda ruins the fun of it for me.
The way this is going, I can honestly not see how this could possibly end with Twilight as a happy submissive to Nightmare Moon, instead of a mentally broken mare whose mind collapsed after too much rape and torture.