• Member Since 19th Dec, 2015
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Penalt


“There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's asleep and the rivers dream, people made of smoke and cities made of song.

Sequels1

Comments ( 588 )

What's with the italics?

7974689 I was using those to indicate thought dialogue. There were a couple of formatting issues I hope I have solved.

Hmm well as long as Twilight bankrupts flimflam I will be happy.

You have my attention. Tracking.

Ok what this story is really bout anyway?

7974693 what happened to the original? The original was so much better seeing as it only involved Twilight loving Nightmare Moon

7975148

As a fun bit of clop, the original was terrific. But to expand it required I craft a story around the clop and the more I thought about it, the less it made sense for Twilight to jump straight to Nightmare Moon's world. It did made sense for the initial jump be to a safer world and it also made some sense for Twilight to experience some sexual submission prior to her encounter with Nightmare Moon.

"Show, don't tell." is a mantra often repeated to me by other writers. I'm showing you the events that shape the Twilight who winds up at the side of Nightmare Moon.

7975345 but this kinda ruins it for me. I liked it before cause it was ONLY Twilight and Nightmare. Pus the whole brainwashing at the end won't make sense in the future. Cause after 5 weeks of that would literally make her a mindless sex slave to Flim and Flam. Even if she was saved, she would not be the same. Only wanting pleasure. Her mind would be way too far gone to even concentrate on casting the simplest of spells ever again, let alone the one that transports her to the other worlds.

7975345 I mean when Starlight tried to brainwash the Mane6 using the method of repeating a phrase, it almost worked. They were very close to being completely controlled, and that was only a little over a day. After 5 weeks, Twilight won't ever be able think for herself ever again.

7975349

but this kinda ruins it for me. I liked it before cause it was ONLY Twilight and Nightmare

Well, I'm sorry to have disappointed you. I do hope you come back for the Nightmare Moon chapters though.

7975369 well no, I'm still gonna read it. I shouldn't have said it ruined it for me. I guess disappointed would be more accurate. But yes I will still continue to read it

Looking great so far, though I do have a few questions.
1. How long will Twilight be in F&F captivity?
2. How long is the story going to be in general?
3. How often are you planning on updating this, cause I want more.

7975690 In order...

1. Not terribly long. As Knight pointed out, the longer Twilight is a debt slave, the greater her risk of being permanently conditioned.
2. Dead minimum, 3 more chapters. I have several folks clamoring for Twilight to visit the other timelines, with similar sexy results. I'm undecided on that but at the least will be a full journey into the MoonLight ship.
3. I'm likely going to write this straight through until it's finished. Figure an update a week, depending on how often my slave driving editors send drafts back for rewrites. :)

7975722 Alright, thanks for the full response

7975349 have to agree and this was not the safest universe. the Sombra one is.

Frankly even in the episode this timeline made no sense. Celestia would not allow the Brothers that much power they would have been guilty of crimes if they ended up like this chapter. Their first appearence everything they did was legal. They aren't bad guys. THis is a negative.

7975815 I'm actually seriously considering a couple of chapters in Sombra's world. But at the moment it's only a maybe.

I'm going to go a different route and say that I enjoy Flim's and Flam's domination of Princess Twilight! :pinkiehappy: Nightmare Moon has so many of those stories as it is. It's a nice change of pace! Personally, I wouldn't even need the transition into Eternal Nightquestria, though I know it's coming eventually.

“If you don’t get this right you could be scattered across dimensions!”

GAAAAASSSSSTEEERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

7976228

Yeah I hope she doesn't escape them too quickly.

This was great! I really liked the build up to the clop scene. Although, will other clop scenes be more detailed than this one? It seemed kinda short. But I can totally understand if that's just how the scene is being hooked up to a machine and all. Also, Is the suit basically latex?

Looking forward to new chapters!

7975722 So, she'll only be a captive of F&F until next chapter?

7983892
7983596

I'm listening to my muse and letting the story unfold as it will. I know how I want this part of Twilight's adventure to end and I have one or two things I want to hit before we get there. As to the suit's composition. It's a latex composite interwoven with fine wiring. The plug in Twilight really is a medical probe providing 24/7 biometrics and the collar is actually the control mechanism for the whole suit.

As for the clop scenes. Yes, they are a failing of mine that I'm working on. I intend to team up with my wife for writing future clop scenes, as she is quite good at writing non-pony erotica.

“Well, some of them weren’t,” said Twilight. “Like the one run by Flim and Flam ...

MLP Loops Flashbacks.

It stopped a little short of triggering her gag reflex

I feel like I'm obligated to mention that horses and ponies don't have a gag reflex.

7989557 I did not know that. I'll do a quick story edit and make sure my future writing reflects that. Thank you for the info.

:twilightsmile: "with any luck,"

I sense foreboding.

What i want to know is will Twilight get pay back on these two versions of the brothers before or after she escapes?
Or at elast ina later chapter?

8006588 I think you can safely assume that Flim and Flam will come to a "bad end."

She must have been really covered with that gunk if neither stallion recognized her. She is only taller and with wings. Since the met a version of her that should have been a dead give away.

8006713 Remember, the Twilight of this world was never surprised by a Sonic Rainboom into hatching Spike's egg. Thus, she never passed the exam to enter Celestia's school, never became Celestia's student, and most definitely, never ascended to become an alicorn.

Flim and Flam know the name (why they do will come out) but they do not know the face.

I'd vote against 143 playing a part beyond this world. It would just be adding a Trixie to the rest of the story for no real gain; she's not an especially interesting character thus far, and honestly kind of distracts from the plot as well as the "plot".

8006732 I know she is likely still a unicorn buit i figure if they know her and one of the brothers would have a very negative reaction it seems they have been. so you kind of implied they have seen her before thus confusign why they wouldn't recognized an aliocrn version.

I recommend just giving a promise maybe that every world will be saved but not yet as it would make it too difficult to take care of her unless she was deposited right back on the home world, although that may be material for a different kind of story

Comment posted by shadowderpy deleted Mar 31st, 2017

8006732

Makes sense. Sans friendship Twilight could still end up an extremely powerful mage, but she'd almost certainly be reclusive. Based on the brothers dislike for her she's a thorn in their side, probably either an important member of some resistance, or simply a thorn in their side by herself.

I really do love your writing style and this is a wonderful story, but I'm not a fan of Flim and Flam in generally so I think I'll probably skip the Cog chapters but rest assured that I'll read all of the other chapters you have planned! :scootangel:

8014276 No worries. There will be one or two more F&F chapters. I just have to resolve the plot lines. There will be an "Interlude" chapter for Twilight to recover and deal with the aftermath. After that I may send Twilight to the Sombraverse. I have an idea for a way she can bring that conflict to a close.

Then, to the main event. The end of which will have a two endings. A serious one and a silly one. I might, might, include a third, bad ending. But that's a maybe.

Just saying, you shouldn't have to copy & paste from Google Docs, you should be able to directly link it.. I think, could be wrong though!!

:moustache::facehoof:

8014356 are you going to skip the chrysalisverse or do that too?

8030574 Undecided. It would be nice to do so for completeness sake. Things were looking pretty grim though, the last Twilight saw of that world.

8030803 true but I'm curious as to what she might do to captured ponies. Does she convert them into changelings or just use them for love? Or something else entirely? If you don't write the arc I would like to hear what you thought they did, if you don't mind?:twilightblush:

8030803

But if you skip it there's no chance for her to be surprised to find the rebels escaped somehow! Or so they claim, before Chrysalis's now loyal slaves process her like all others who come seeking the resistance.

Sighs Celestia ...i hope she taken dwn hard and made to pay big time!

Flu is terrible. I wish I had as good an excuse! :derpytongue2:

Edit: Wait no actually I don't.

8055530 removed form power for sure. but what of Cadence. She should have found away to stop this?

8055834

The fate of Cadance and Shining Armor will be revealed. At this point, I will simply say that it isn't possible for Cadance to intervene.

8056311 I thought you said Twilight wouldn't be captive much longer.

With Flim and Flam using brainwashing while she sleeps, she'll get programmed much faster now. It would only take around 3-4 days of hearing the voice while asleep before she's completely brainwashed

8056364
I know, I know :twilightsheepish:

I'm desperately trying to resolve the plot here as fast as I can while still retaining a coherent story. My plan...plan is for the next Cog chapter to be the last one, it might be a long one though. Sometimes I really do need to rein in the world building, I currently have something along the lines of 6,000 words of background for this story already. Large chunks of which will likely never see the light of day.

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