Night Guardian is a guard who has been given the job to guard the most wanted criminal/creature in Equestria.
The creature, unknown to all ponies named Jason Sanders, a regular human from Wollongong in Australia, tells Night the story of how he ended up in his cell, how he became the most wanted criminal of all, and even how he ended up in Equestria...
This was the first fan fiction I have ever come up with and have been brainstorming this story and it has been stuck in my mind for YEARS. Hope you enjoy it!
Chapters (9)
I have flown over the ocean,
I have seen ships from distant lands,
I have visited a world not my own.
I am a traveler, forever bound to the sky, cursed(some say)to wander forever.
Never putting down roots,
I am one with the wind,
Drifting along like dandelion fluff.
Here I am, belly on the grass,
And the shadow of an elder tree on my back.
Tomorrow I will carry my song Elsewhere,
To distant shores,
To distant ears.
(Silver Glow; {Silver Glow's Journal} Circa~2016-2017)
Please be a bit slower with introducing things, it is quite jarring the way it is now.
I'd advise that you describe things such as the castle and its dungeons and paint a picture for us instead of trying to bullrush through it.
The dialogue was quite rough and lacked the ability to keep the reader focused on it.
Again, paint us a picture of the scenes, of the story itself in words.
Why did he become a Royal Guard?
How did he become a Guard?
Who is his family and why are they important at all to the plot?
Where is all of this taking place besides some drab boring dungeon in the middle of a cardboard cut-out of Canterlot?
7879634 I was a little offended by your comment but thank you for the advice
7879764
Offensive or not that person is correct, and very honest at least.
7879634
You mayhaps could have offered insight on what made it bad too?
7879634 Do you mean the story itself is bad?
Only read the description, but I think I already like it from when I read Wollongong, Australia. Gotta love the Gong
7880029 indeed.
The sentences are all very simple, and matter-of-fact, like you'd read in a children's book with large pictures opposite the words. The language doesn't flow, or immerse the reader in the story.
You spelled everything correctly, and the grammar is decent. That puts you ahead of most new writers, in my opinion.
Keep writing. You'll get better.
Hey, you ever hear that old story about a British serial killer? Well If you haven't then the gist of it is that the British caught him and attempted to hang him but the rope snaped so they decided to just ship him to Australia so that he wasn't their problem.
7880730 I have never actually heard of that story, that is so cool!
7879862 Since some people don't know how to write constructive criticism...
The quickest way to get a reader hooked into a story is to create engaging characters, or characters that develop as the story progresses. This doesn't always mean "Twilight Sparkle learned her lesson and is now a better pony." In a short story it can be as small as giving out bits and pieces of info about the character as the story progresses. You want to avoid flat out telling the reader a story, that can get boring.
Try to let the characters actions describe who they really are. (This is called showing instead of telling) Estee's "Mechanical Aptitude" is a good example.
Your characters are the base of your story. Make them somewhat flawed, and in a way that makes accomplishing their goals challenging. There are plenty of guides out there on how to make engaging characters, google is your friend.
7881818 "In a short story it can be as small as giving out bits and pieces of info about the character as the story progresses." That is actually what I am aiming at doing. Some of the character names in this story are meant to show what they are doing, however, some of these characters aren't going to be like the ones that show their entire personality and what they do. Sure some of them such as Night, show what their actions are meant to be, but we are and the tip of the iceberg in this story.
Thank you for the constructive criticism, some of the commenters are just plain rude.
7881818
Oi, I gave out my two cents ya blighter!
7880594 you basically summed up what i was gonna say :p
Keep up the good work mister writer
7892402 well, why wouldn't I be offended if you said that my story is bad?
7893004 thank you!
7893362 Because it's the truth (most people's first stories do turn out as crap), and rather than getting offended about it, maybe you can take my and everyone else's suggestions to heart, and improve yourself from it.
7893818 I can confirm that yes, first stories generally are huge hunks of crap. You either give up, or keep it up and improve. I gave up. Don't be like me.
This might be just me, but the chapters seem really short over all, and hardly any content to bite into, the concept seems interesting.
Personally I would rather have to wait a little longer for longer chapters, with more content, than a lot of short ones, that hardly gives anything.
But then again thats just me, and I'm looking forward to were this leads though.
OK, I am not a professional writer (unless you count C#, SQL and JS as 'purple prose'
) and english is not my native language - but, I will try some constructive criticism here anyway:
1. First of all - if you haven't already - I urge you to read Ezn's story writing guide mentioned in the FAQ - his page is currently down, but here is a link to the archived version:
http://web.archive.org/web/20160304174049/http://eznguide.neocities.org/
I know it's rather lengthy, but it's worth it! It contains many explanation on how to write and what to avoid.
2. As others already said - try more 'showing' than 'telling', again Ezn's guide (and stories) is your friend.
3. Here is a quote from the guide: 'New speaker, new paragraph' - so avoid putting the dialog of two characters in single paragraph, for example the start of 'Chapter 3':
"You came pretty late huh?" The creature said. "Yeah I know right? It wa- oh I know what you are doing." Night said. "I have no clue what you are talking about." The creature said. "Now tell me the story." Night said. "Ok ok. Here I go."
Something like that is hard to read, and you can easily lost track of who is saying what - I read a few good stories constructed like that and it was simply pain in the long run, fortunately - this is easily fixable:
"You came pretty late huh?" the creature said.
Night responded, "Yeah I know right? It wa- oh I know what you are doing."
"I have no clue what you are talking about," The creature said.
"Now tell me the story," Night said.
"Ok ok. Here I go."
4. Try some action tags and more vivid dialog description instead of the boring he / she said. Again, this is explained in the guide but for example - the above dialog could look like this:
"You came pretty late huh?" the creature said with a hint of irritation in his voice.
Night was gasping for air after all the running. "Yeah I know right? It wa- oh I know what you are doing."
"I have no clue what you are talking about," the creature responded calmly, and sat down on his filthy prison bed.
Night took his notepad and sat down on one of the chairs using another as a makeshift table. "Now tell me the story," he said in orderly voice and then took the pencil in his mouth.
"Ok ok. Here I go."
Of course - the above is just a quick and dirty example - and may contain errors, also - some people prefer dialog to be brief, and may not like long action tags, but you can't please everyone.
5. Try to write monologue of single character into one paragraph, for example in 'Chapter 4':
"Well I must announce to you that if that criminal ever releases information to you, directly inform me at the time your shift ends." She then replied back.
"Has he said anything to you?" Celestia asked Night.
Why not write the above like this instead:
"Well I must announce to you that if that criminal ever releases information to you, directly inform me at the time your shift ends," she then replied back. "Has he said anything to you?"
By that - you reduce redundant information, makes it easier to read and easier to follow 'New speaker, new paragraph' rule.
6. Avoid redundancy sentences and words:
Example 1:
"Silence. That was all there was. Nothing else, just silence."
Usually something more brief is enough:
"When I woke up, at first there was only silence"
(please note - this is my own interpretation, and since I myself am not a professional writer - the above may not be the best example - but...)
Example 2:
I went back down the tree and took a five minute hike backwards and stopped at a random place and raked some leaves with my hands and started cutting a tree with my machete and grabbed the logs from the tree to form a campfire. I was next to a small freshwater pond where I could gather freshwater and stay hydrated.
Try to restructure the above to use less 'and' words - to many 'ands' makes it hard to read - try to use more commas and dashes instead.
Example 3:
He walked through the massive golden doors he had walked through so many times before. But something really amazing happened. Princess Celestia was walking through the halls directly at him.
Again, the word 'through' is used three times here.
I hope this helps
7905809 wow. Thank you so much! That is actually a really good idea. TYSM
7907112
No problem - one update though, it would appear that newest version of the guide is posted on Fimfiction itself now:
https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
So it's probably better to read that version instead the one I linked to.
One thing to keep in mind though: writing something is easy, but writing something that is well structured, interesting and non-cliche is HARD - so don't be discouraged if people claim that your story 'sucks', but try to improve your writing instead
Considering how much trouble these ponies had with one human i doubt that the ponies would have much success with a nation of humans.
One of the most important rules of gun safety: Always be sure of your target and what is beyond it!
This was not an accident. This was reckless murder committed by an idiot who should never have been allowed anywhere near a gun.
Does he deserve to be executed? Maybe not, since it wasn't intentional murder. But he does deserve a long prison sentence for reckless murder due to his stupid behavior with a firearm. The bottom line is this never would have happened if he'd been following anything that resembles proper gun safety rules.
One what?
8121889 it was meant to be mare.
will eagerly await the next chapter this is turning out to be quite interesting
I tend to do that, too. Except I have it when it is about important stuff (especially school related)thinkgeek.com/images/products/additional/large/187b_i_have_issues.jpg .
Damn I forgot he's from Wollongong. #welovethegong
8632576
Yeah mate
9382978
....... ok.
9383003
Sure, man, sure
For over a year, I did not even know this chapter was there...
Now for some (potential) errors:
Missing commas behind (and, for the last one, in front of) ‘‘Jason’’.
Also behind ‘‘honey’’.
Okay, upon closer inspection, commas tend to be forgotten here when they should be in front of or behind a name.
When it comes to the placements of names in sentences like those shown above, that is.
panic
pony's
YOUR
them?
threw
them?
breaststrokes?
‘‘feminine-like’’
figure's
bridge's
Lowercase t should be uppercase.
name's
Since it is a name, should the first letters of the two words not be capitalized?
Remove the underlined ‘And’.
them
disappeared
castle's
believe
Uppercase R should be lowercase.
Missing comma behind ‘However’.
I do not think that comma belongs there.
What?
Should the first comma be a period?
Commas should be periods?
‘‘unless it's/it is an emergency’’
‘‘prepared to begin speaking’’
This is the first part of a piece of dialogue, but the opening quotes are missing.
‘‘filled with determination to survive’’?
Note: When a comment ends with a question mark, it is because I am not entirely certain.
9383177
Thank you, I will remember to perfect my writing afterward.
9383278
Thank you dude, I really do appreciate it!
8121631
Just to let you remember that Jason did in-fact have amnesia and couldn't recollect all of his memories. He couldn't remember all of the gun laws.
There was some typos, and you used to many of the same words in a paragraph.
Well, never mind. This chapter is way better written then the first one. Xd
Well I do wanna see how this ends. Xd
friend's
shortly
It seems like the ‘whatever’ part is a new sentence.
Is that meant to be ‘a sigh in/of relief’?
10191314
I'll edit these now, thank you for the corrections
I can always count on you :)
Dang Its been so long half the stuff in here I forgot. Xp
10192137
hahahahaha yeah, I am really sorry about the wait
10192271
It happens man, life I mean. Xd
So his troubles started when he blindly fired into a brush, one of the dumbest things you can do. For all you know the rustling could be another human, or some other sapient being.
11312001
Yep, it's almost as if he had been isolated for weeks and had seen no signs of any human life, but had been hunting animals the whole time with complete success.
Will this get updated?