When one of Cobalt's closest friends, Blazing Storm, comes down with a mysterious sickness, Cobalt must track down an ancient and powerful relic to cure his disease. When they get more than they bargained for, they must help defeat one of Equestria's most ancient and powerful evils. However, one question remains: will it be too late?
Sidenote: Even though the tag says complete, I will continue to add updates to the chapters that already exist. These are things such as detail and description.
Chapters (4)
Well, well, well... where to start? Anyway brace yourself, this comment is gonna be long.
First, let me say you have my interest for the story
The characters are enjoyable (and apparently some with a deep backstories), each sporting certain traits and so far, they were an interesting gang to watch.
The plot itself proposes an epic adventure with race against time. I want to see where that goes. Also, I have to applaud your language and grammar. It flows good, nothing gets too repetitive as you word choice is plentiful
However, there are quite many mistakes of a beginner. In fact, I'd be surprised if they weren't here. No offense, just my experience speaking. I would like to say first that I'll be brutally honest over every detail, as any sugarcoating wouldn't help you much.
~Character description
I know you want anyone to have a clear image of all your characters. However, starting a story with their descriptions is one of the worst mistakes you can do - nobody will usually warn you before you actually do so. The fact is, you cram one whole paragraph with information about their looks and relations. I guarantee that even the most careful reader will forget half of it by the time they reach end of the next paragraph. Plus, the story should be interesting from the very beginning for the people not to turn around. Description of some OC - even though it's the main character - isn't what many would consider an interesting beginning.
So, what now? The best solution how to get the reader know the characters is through dialogue.
Their picnic is a great opportunity for that. Let me show you:
"...What do you think Platinum?" The blue unicorn turned to his friend and the local smith.
"I don't know Cobalt..." Platinum replied, stroking her gray mane with a hoof.
"I found a strange plant when I went on a hike the other day. It had yellow leaves that were jagged around the edges-" (Side note here: The "there is something I have to tell you but it's not easy to talk about" sounds really unrealistic. Would "I have been feeling weird since this morning. Maybe it has something to do with the strange plant I ran over at my hike. It was yellow with weird jagged edg-" suit you?)
He collapsed to the ground, unmoving. Brown locks of his mane snaking between the daisies looked almost peacefully.
"Brother!" Onyx rushed forward.
See, description between the lines? All clear?
~ (Non)Straightforward events
I get it that Cobalt is a bookworm with well-stocked library. He searching for the plant is completely okay with me. However, instead of a little panic or dumbfoundness, anypony just watches as he immediately comes up with a book that has the solution in it. That's a really huge Deus ex Machina. I'd suggest you let him ponder about the solution, with Onyx slightly panicking and Platinum reading a book that caught her eye. It could just be left open somewhere in the library, flew off one of the bookshelves as they were searching for the botanical book... whatever. However, it caught her eyes because there was a picture of a pony in some intricate armor and with uncommon weapon (Brave Steel, maybe?) From this, it's easy to get to the guardians and runes.
The same goes for the fight with Midnight - it was too easy. I'll leave fleshing out that one to you. Remember that even when you have some a little more boring stuff to work with before you get to the epic scene, you need to give it a proper care. That means, preparations for the road can take a whole chapter, plans to beat Midnight and freed can be Solus another 1-2 chapters. It'll be long I know, but the more of epic journey it will be
~Scene transition and description
The same fleshing out should be done with scene descriptions too. How does the library look? What's around the road? How is the weather? On the other hoof, you don't have to be so precise with distracting some random mercenary that will get killed shortly after - it distracts the reader unnecessarilly.
Another problem is the scene transition. The gang has met Lunar and left him behind. Suddenly, they met him again - at completely different place. You can use a line break here to indicate the change and need to make a description of the new surroundings.
All the descriptions are really needed - we can't see into your head. However, I'll branch off there slightly. Mind some 'continuity' too. You have there Midnight mentioned a dozen times, but it takes a lot of time for the characters to say "Who the hay is this Midnight you are talking about?!"
~AU
For example, why are there the mercenaries, the rogue highway ponies, the shades? Is Equestria in war? Why don't the rulers do anything? If the order of the Guardians has something to do with these - hunting the shades for example, it needs to be said. The book sequence is a brilliant opportunity for that. Again, it might stretch into another chapter, but you'll have a solid foundation. Again, remember that we can't read your mind.
This is alternate universe, that means even more describing for you as there are differences from the show
~Direct Speech
Don't worry, only two points remain. You know how to write a direct speech, except for one slight issue. When you have a direct speech followed by speaking action, there needs to be a comma, not a full stop.
"Just like this," I say.
~Paragraphs
Have you noticed how you have the story formatted into nearly a block of text with occasional spaces? Well, insert and empty line between the paragraphs. It'll be far more pleasant for eyes.
Phew, that was a lot... I went a little overboard apparently. Is everything clear?
Good luck with your writing!
-Ever
7852925
Thanks for your input! First off, thank you for your honest feedback. A few things I would like to mention. One: I have a reason for Lunar randomly showing up. They left him in a rush to find Solus for a cure for Blaze's sickness. Second: I do think I'll add some more description of the scenery and try to fix up some of the less descriptive parts. Third: I probably should have said this somewhere, but I meant for this to be an alternate universe similar to Earth, where perfect harmony has not been achieved. Fourth: Thank you for all of your suggestions, I'll definitely use some of them when I revise my stories.
Signing off,
Cobalt Bristle
7853874 You are welcome
I try to help new authors around the site.
If you want me to give it another lookover once you made some revisions, feel free to PM me or write a comment.
You're getting better
Still, some point from my previous comment stay (paragraphs, some details in description...), but otherwise it's looking up. You slowed down a little with how fast the story's moving and there is more to the characters. Also, plot twist!