When Cobalt was told that Blaze’s condition had worsened, he galloped over to Ponyville Urgent Care. “Platinum! What’s happened?!” Cobalt shouted as he ran into the room.
“Well, I’m not really sure. All I know is that his heart stopped beating and his breathing stopped. I don’t think he’ll make it if we take him on our trip.” She replied.
Cobalt sighed. “Well, there goes curing him once we find The Rune of Divinity. On the bright side, I’ve found a way to find the guardian of The Rune of Solitude. Her name is Solus Storm. If we can get the rune, we can travel anywhere in Equestria. There’s only one problem, though.”
“Problem? Doesn’t that fancy book of yours tell you her location?” Platinum inquired.
“No, it only tells me the location of the old headquarters. When the guardians split up, Solus disappeared and hasn’t been seen since. Nonetheless, I may have a solution. The only reason the Guardians split up is because the holder of the Rune of Wisdom died. If we can find that rune, we may be able to find Solus’ location.”
“Well what are we waiting for? My brother is dying in a hospital bed and all you two can do is talk about old legends!” Onyx was furious, no doubt panicking.
The three ponies then rushed out of the hospital, and to a legendary journey.
“So Cobalt, any idea where our first stop is?” Onyx questioned
“Actually, yes. Our first stop is the old Guardian sanctuary in a secluded spot in Canterlot.” Cobalt then stopped talking and started galloping.
Most of the trip was in silence, except for a brief skirmish with some mercenaries. In total, there were three. One, notably the leader, had a red mane and tail, as well as a black coat. His eyes were an ice blue color, which seemed to stare into your soul. His cutie mark, as was the other’s, was hidden by his armor he wore. He carried a sword upon his back that had undoubtedly been used before. The second of the three had a gray mane and tail with a jet black coat. He wore considerably less armor, making his cutie mark visible. It was a star tipped arrow loaded into a bow.
“Hey, you! You’d better go back where you came from, Midnight doesn’t like visitors.” The leader of the three mercenaries was definitely not going to let Cobalt through without a fight. “You asked for it!” Cobalt nodded towards Onyx, who launched an arrow at one of the thugs.
“Why, you little…” The pony was hit in the shoulder, causing blood to start streaming out.
“Platinum, now!” When Cobalt gave the order, Platinum pulled out one of her mad creations. It was a sword, except the handle was in the middle and blades were on both sides.
Cobalt pulled out the most boring weapon of the group: a pickaxe. “We’re passing, whether you like it or not!” Then all three ponies rushed them at once. Cobalt sent the handle of his pickaxe into the stomach of the leader, then a blow to the head to leave him unconscious. Meanwhile, Platinum was engaged in a flurry of steel as the only uninjured mercenary put up quite the fight. Onyx converged upon the opponent he had struck with an arrow. Giving a devilish grin, he drew a dagger.
“It’s been awhile since I put my torture methods to the test, would you like to be my warmup?” The pony then fled as fast as his injured body would carry him.
Platinum had finally defeated her opponent who, surprisingly, sheathed his sword and shook Platinum’s hoof. “I may be a mercenary, but I wasn’t always that way. Name’s Lunar Arrow. If ya ever need any help, I’m your pony.” With a smile, Lunar then stepped aside and let the group pass.
“They said something about Midnight. Where have I heard that before? Wait, it can’t be!” Cobalt had evidently discovered something. Thanks to Onyx finding the book on shades, the whole group knew exactly what he was talking about.
“Wasn’t she defeated? I mean, how could she return?” Onyx started to go on a rant when he was shushed by Cobalt.
“How about we get to the subject of the mercenaries,” Cobalt was obviously trying to divert the subject.
“Well, now that we’re on the topic I just have one thing to say about that whole encounter. It was strange” Onyx muttered to Platinum. “Never seen an honorable mercenary in my days of adventuring. Then again, they were usually hired to avenge some poor soul that I had a contract on.” Cobalt didn’t understand this comment, but he hadn’t heard much about Onyx’s past from anypony, not even Blaze.
“Contract?” Cobalt looked over at Onyx.
“Oh, uh, well, you see, it’s, well, it’s um… complicated. I have this cutie mark for a reason. I was a, uh, an interesting pony.” Onyx then started to look uncomfortable. “Hey, would you look at that! Canterlot!”
Cobalt decided to drop the issue for now. Even though he was curious about what Onyx had meant, he decided to continue with the main focus of this mission.
They approached Canterlot, knowing that their main goal was in view. Near Canterlot, there is a mountain that was once home to the Guardians. It is now abandoned, forgotten, except for a small inscription that Cobalt noticed. It read:
When good and evil clash,
When one admits his past,
When the shade has withdrawn,
Then will the war rage on.
“Hey guys! Look at this,” Cobalt hollered over to Platinum and Onyx, who were currently inspecting different parts of the mountain.
“It looks like some kind of...prophecy,” Onyx commented, unnecessarily.
Cobalt then brushed his hoof across the words, which then started to glow with an evil glow. Then, a few hundred yards behind them, was a broken looking Lunar Arrow.
“Hey, uh, should we talk to him or…” Onyx muttered.
“Well, I believe it would be handy to have somepony to help us find this place. I just hope Blaze’s sickness hasn’t gotten any worse.” Cobalt replied, rather melancholy.
“Well, here goes. Hey Lunar! How’s it going?” Cobalt shouted.
Upon hearing Cobalt’s voice, Lunar galloped over to then. “I’m glad you guys are here. I broke away from the other mercenaries, something’s happened to them! They’re acting, well, weird. They walk around mindlessly, listening to nothing I say. Not only that, they go and meet with Midnight when I’m not around. Please, you’ve got to help me!” After Lunar’s sudden outburst, Nopony dared to speak. After some time, Cobalt came up with a reply.
“I know what’s it’s like to lose a friend unexpectedly, but that doesn’t mean that you need to panic. The only reason we’re here is to find Solus Storm, the keeper of The Rune of Solitude.” Upon hearing the name Solus, Lunar just stared at Cobalt.
“Did you say Solus? Midnight has a pony wheeling around her chariot named Solus. She had a cyan pelt with a purple, red, and gray mane and tail. Her tail was short and was mostly even, except for the top section had more taken out of it than the rest. She had lightning bolts beaming down at mountains for a cutie mark. Wouldn’t be bad luck if that Solus Storm and this Solus Storm was the same pony! Midnight hates people who try and disrupt her and uh…” Lunar was stopped short as he got surprised looks.
“That’s the exact description of Solus Storm, guardian of The Rune of Solitude. We have to get her away from Midnight,” Cobalt looked around, but he was the only one that seemed ready to face her,
“Look, I may be a good fighter, but that doesn’t mean I can take on someone like that! We don’t even know what she looks like!” Onyx started to get worried.
“I don’t agree with him often, but he’s right Cobalt. We have no idea if we can even fight someone with no way to know what we’re walking into.” Platinum reasoned.
Cobalt just sighed and gave no reply. “Does he do this a lot?” Lunar whispered to Platinum. “Usually he’s a bit less, well, decisive with things. I think he just needs to come up with a plan.” Platinum whispered back.
“If we don’t know what she looks like, or how to defeat her, how can we get Solus?!” Cobalt then collapsed to the ground in exhaustion. “Done?” Onyx asked.
“Yeah.” Was Cobalt’s reply.
“From that outburst, I gather that you don’t know who Midnight is.” Lunar observed.
“We do, we just don’t know how to defeat her,” Platinum answered.
“Well, in order for me to tell you how to defeat her, I’ll have to tell you what you may or may not know. Midnight is a shade. In other words, a sorcerer corrupt with the spirit of a demon. You can only kill her with a hit to the heart. I fear that she has done something to my friends. They just stand in one place when I’m trying to talk to them, and they do whatever Midnight tells them to. I’m afraid they’ve been, well I think they’ve been possessed.” Lunar then looked at Cobalt with solemn eyes.
“Well, I could get a shot off on her heart if you guys distract her. It would take some concentration, but I could do it.” Onyx replied.
“Well, that would explain how you managed to hit Brave.” Lunar replied.
“Brave?” Cobalt asked, suddenly intrigued. “Brave? As in Brave Steel?”
Lunar looked at Cobalt, surprised. “Well, yeah. That is his name.”
Cobalt then turned to his friends. “I read a book that has records taken directly from what was left of the Guardian sanctuary in Fillydelphia. It doesn’t give the names of the guardians, but it gives you clues. It tells that the guardian of The Rune of Valor had a brave heart that was guarded by steel. I had an idea that his name had something to do with brave, steel, or heart. If my assumption is correct, and I believe it is, Brave Steel is the guardian of The Rune of Valor.”
Hearing what Cobalt was telling his friends, Lunar was frozen in shock. “The Rune of Valor? My father would tell me about it. He told me that I was destined to find the rune, but I never believed him. I will help you. For Brave’s sake, for Solus’s sake, and for our sake. I have just one question: Anypony got a plan?”
When Lunar asked that question, nopony could give him an answer. Until Onyx got a crazy one. “I think I know how we can do this. If you three can distract Midnight, I could aim for her heart. If I succeed, would all the ponies that have been placed under her spell be free?”
“Well, yeah. If you can kill a shade, you remove all that it brought into Equestria.” Cobalt replied.
“Then let’s do this!” Onyx shouted.
“We only have one problem. We have no idea where Midnight is.” Platinum pointed out.
“Well, I do.” Lunar replied.
“Like I said, let’s do this!” Onyx then galloped close behind Lunar. He was later followed by Cobalt and Platinum.
“Do you think this plan of Onyx’s will work?” Platinum asked Cobalt.
“Well, it sounds possible, and none of us have anything better. All we need to do is hold out until Onyx takes the shot. You know as well as I that he could hit an apple from 500 yards.” Cobalt replied.
“Well, yeah. He just seems, I don’t know, different. He’s not a mysterious figure anymore. The old Onyx would have rather put a dagger in Lunar’s throat then let him help.” Platinum said, rather intrigued.
“I know what you mean. I’m not sure if it’s Onyx’s drive to help Blaze, or if this is a permanent change. Either way, I like this Onyx better.” Cobalt commented. Platinum just nodded in agreement.
“Hey! Chatters! We’re here!” Lunar shouted back at them.
Platinum and Cobalt trotted over to Lunar and Onyx. “There she is. Midnight.”
The pony Lunar pointed out was one of the tallest ponies Cobalt had ever seen. She had a dark blue pelt with a solid black mane and tail. Her cutie mark was covered by dark blue battle armor. Her heart was unprotected, thankfully.
“All right, let’s get this over with. You guys know what to do.” With that, Onyx galloped to a vantage point, bow draw.
“Let’s do this.” Cobalt looked over at Platinum, who gave a nod of approval. He then looked to Lunar, who also nodded. Cobalt gave the signal, and they charged into the clearing. Little did they know what they were getting into.
“Hey you! What do you think you’re doing?” Cobalt shouted at Midnight.
“Why, I’m creating evil. Do you mind?” Midnight’s voice echoed when it was spoken. It was deeper than most ponies Cobalt had heard, and it had a trace of evil in it. “Now it’s your turn.” Midnight’s hooves pointed at Cobalt, lifting him up.
“Hey, you leave him alone!” Platinum pulled out her double bladed sword and started slashing at Midnight.
Meanwhile, Onyx was in a little trouble himself. Right when he was about to take the shot, a hoof knocked the bow out of his hand, causing the arrow to discharge into the leg of the disruptor.
Onyx looked up at his attacker. It was Brave Steel. “It didn’t have to be this way. You could’ve left well enough alone.” His voice had changed. It was no longer a deep stallion’s voice, but the voice of Midnight. After speaking, Brave tried to slash Onyx in the throat. Onyx dodged the maneuver and counterattacked. Onyx drew his dagger and slashed his hooves, causing blood to start streaming out. As he was stunned, Onyx knocked him with the pommel of his dagger, leaving him unconscious. Onyx then retrieved his bow, and sent an arrow straight through Midnight’s heart. Midnight only smiled when Onyx hit her, and she disappeared into nothingness.
In the clearing, things were returning to normal. Solus was not quite conscious, but the group knew she would be soon. They looked up to see Onyx carrying Brave down the hill into the clearing.
“What happened to him? He doesn’t look so good.” Platinum observed.
“We had a little skirmish. It seems Midnight knew we were coming. Which would also explain why Lunar is in the same condition as the others. He was under her corruption as well.” Onyx replied.
“We only have one issue: Midnight isn’t dead,” Cobalt pointed out to Onyx.
“Not dead? You mean, I missed?” Onyx hung his head in disappointment.
Solus stood up and shook her head. “Whoa, that was one weird dream.” Her voice sounded tired, broken. Her eyes had constant expression of sadness on them. They had found her. Solus Storm.
“Solus! Are you okay?” Cobalt ran to her side and helped her up.
Her eyes widened. “How do you know my name? I had hoped that nopony would remember my name after I left.”
Now that the harness that held the chariot to her back was gone, they could see the rest of her cutie mark. There, at the bottom, was a picture of The Rune of Solitude.
“I have some questions Solus, so what do you say we get started?” Cobalt asked.
Solus was about to reply when she saw Brave Steel. “Why is he here?”
“Don’t you guys get along? You are members of the Guardians…” Cobalt was cut off by Solus.
“Get along? GET ALONG?! That coward idly stood by while our leader was torn to pieces by a shade!” Solus then started to calm down. “But I suppose that the past is better to remain in the past.”
Brave stood up, and immediately saw Solus. “Solus Storm! Long time, no see.” Solus actually smiled when she saw her old friend. His voice was deep and had a guttural ring to it. “I just have one question. Where are we?”
The mercenaries and Solus finally looked around at their surroundings. Lunar looked at Platinum, and his expression instantly tensed. “I think our colleagues have some answers for us.” Lunar then trotted over to Cobalt. “At least, I hope you have answers.”
“We can only provide so much, but I can answer one question I know all of you have. Was that ‘dream’ you saw real? The answer to said question is yes. You were possessed by a shade: Midnight.” Upon the mention of the shade, both Solus and Brave were immediately alert.
“Midnight? As in, the shade who slaughtered Solar?” Brave started to get antsy. “One thing though: I thought I was the last Guardian.”
“As did I,” Solus confirmed.
“Listen, the combined power of the ten runes is one of the most powerful powers known to ponykind. It is said that they could defeat the strongest of all shades: Dark Storm.’
Onyx flinched at the mention of the shade. “Onyx? You alright?” Platinum, who had been quiet through the whole thing, asked.
“Well, uh, I…I can’t tell you.” Onyx was getting ready to gallop away when he was tackled by Brave.
“He might not be able to explain, but I can.”
Well, well, well... where to start? Anyway brace yourself, this comment is gonna be long.
First, let me say you have my interest for the story The characters are enjoyable (and apparently some with a deep backstories), each sporting certain traits and so far, they were an interesting gang to watch.
The plot itself proposes an epic adventure with race against time. I want to see where that goes. Also, I have to applaud your language and grammar. It flows good, nothing gets too repetitive as you word choice is plentiful
However, there are quite many mistakes of a beginner. In fact, I'd be surprised if they weren't here. No offense, just my experience speaking. I would like to say first that I'll be brutally honest over every detail, as any sugarcoating wouldn't help you much.
~Character description
I know you want anyone to have a clear image of all your characters. However, starting a story with their descriptions is one of the worst mistakes you can do - nobody will usually warn you before you actually do so. The fact is, you cram one whole paragraph with information about their looks and relations. I guarantee that even the most careful reader will forget half of it by the time they reach end of the next paragraph. Plus, the story should be interesting from the very beginning for the people not to turn around. Description of some OC - even though it's the main character - isn't what many would consider an interesting beginning.
So, what now? The best solution how to get the reader know the characters is through dialogue.
Their picnic is a great opportunity for that. Let me show you:
"...What do you think Platinum?" The blue unicorn turned to his friend and the local smith.
"I don't know Cobalt..." Platinum replied, stroking her gray mane with a hoof.
"I found a strange plant when I went on a hike the other day. It had yellow leaves that were jagged around the edges-" (Side note here: The "there is something I have to tell you but it's not easy to talk about" sounds really unrealistic. Would "I have been feeling weird since this morning. Maybe it has something to do with the strange plant I ran over at my hike. It was yellow with weird jagged edg-" suit you?)
He collapsed to the ground, unmoving. Brown locks of his mane snaking between the daisies looked almost peacefully.
"Brother!" Onyx rushed forward.
See, description between the lines? All clear?
~ (Non)Straightforward events
I get it that Cobalt is a bookworm with well-stocked library. He searching for the plant is completely okay with me. However, instead of a little panic or dumbfoundness, anypony just watches as he immediately comes up with a book that has the solution in it. That's a really huge Deus ex Machina. I'd suggest you let him ponder about the solution, with Onyx slightly panicking and Platinum reading a book that caught her eye. It could just be left open somewhere in the library, flew off one of the bookshelves as they were searching for the botanical book... whatever. However, it caught her eyes because there was a picture of a pony in some intricate armor and with uncommon weapon (Brave Steel, maybe?) From this, it's easy to get to the guardians and runes.
The same goes for the fight with Midnight - it was too easy. I'll leave fleshing out that one to you. Remember that even when you have some a little more boring stuff to work with before you get to the epic scene, you need to give it a proper care. That means, preparations for the road can take a whole chapter, plans to beat Midnight and freed can be Solus another 1-2 chapters. It'll be long I know, but the more of epic journey it will be
~Scene transition and description
The same fleshing out should be done with scene descriptions too. How does the library look? What's around the road? How is the weather? On the other hoof, you don't have to be so precise with distracting some random mercenary that will get killed shortly after - it distracts the reader unnecessarilly.
Another problem is the scene transition. The gang has met Lunar and left him behind. Suddenly, they met him again - at completely different place. You can use a line break here to indicate the change and need to make a description of the new surroundings.
All the descriptions are really needed - we can't see into your head. However, I'll branch off there slightly. Mind some 'continuity' too. You have there Midnight mentioned a dozen times, but it takes a lot of time for the characters to say "Who the hay is this Midnight you are talking about?!"
~AU
This is alternate universe, that means even more describing for you as there are differences from the show For example, why are there the mercenaries, the rogue highway ponies, the shades? Is Equestria in war? Why don't the rulers do anything? If the order of the Guardians has something to do with these - hunting the shades for example, it needs to be said. The book sequence is a brilliant opportunity for that. Again, it might stretch into another chapter, but you'll have a solid foundation. Again, remember that we can't read your mind.
~Direct Speech
Don't worry, only two points remain. You know how to write a direct speech, except for one slight issue. When you have a direct speech followed by speaking action, there needs to be a comma, not a full stop.
"Just like this," I say.
~Paragraphs
Have you noticed how you have the story formatted into nearly a block of text with occasional spaces? Well, insert and empty line between the paragraphs. It'll be far more pleasant for eyes.
Phew, that was a lot... I went a little overboard apparently. Is everything clear?
Good luck with your writing!
-Ever
7852925
Thanks for your input! First off, thank you for your honest feedback. A few things I would like to mention. One: I have a reason for Lunar randomly showing up. They left him in a rush to find Solus for a cure for Blaze's sickness. Second: I do think I'll add some more description of the scenery and try to fix up some of the less descriptive parts. Third: I probably should have said this somewhere, but I meant for this to be an alternate universe similar to Earth, where perfect harmony has not been achieved. Fourth: Thank you for all of your suggestions, I'll definitely use some of them when I revise my stories.
Signing off,
Cobalt Bristle
7853874 You are welcome I try to help new authors around the site.
If you want me to give it another lookover once you made some revisions, feel free to PM me or write a comment.